My Bittersweet Day

And so we begin my annual introspection of how this year is different from last year and the year before that.

Two years ago today, I had just found out that we were not going to have a baby in November. I listened to my own heartbeat go out of control while we tried to find a tiny baby heartbeat. I saw a lifeless, perfectly formed baby on an ultrasound machine. My clearest memory is of his tiny ribcage.

One year ago today, I was strapped all over with monitors, but we found that perfect heartbeat and it stayed steady. I couldn’t stop smiling. Even when the pain was crazy and I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, it was still a great day.

Two years ago tomorrow, I was put to sleep and woke up alone and cried. It was the worst day of my life.

One year ago tomorrow, I was given some extra drugs to block out the pain as the c-section started. I woke up surrounded by people and cried. It was the best day of my life.

I’m sorry I sound so crazy, but it’s such a crazy time for me. I’m so excited about celebrating W’s birthday tomorrow (and this weekend!). But I still just need to sit and think about who isn’t here. And because that little boy isn’t here, I have W. I have weird, conflicting emotions about this. I’m getting better at dealing with it all.

After MTHFR

The deal with MTHFR (for me at least) was “Hooray! We have a REASON!” It was a neat little package with a pill to fix everything. It was a best-case scenario in a morbid kind of way.

To recap: My MTHFR is the easiest to deal with. It is a blood clotting disorder that isn’t really a big deal when you are not pregnant. It is a big deal in the placenta. I was able to control it with one baby aspirin and some extra folic acid each day.

Now I’m dealing with the other side of discovering this problem. Every single birth control ad you see has a disclaimer about not taking the pill if you have a blood clotting disorder. Part of me wants to say that I took birth control for 10 years and never had a problem… but most of me is pretty risk-adverse. And the doctors are the same way.

My options are now limited to an IUD or the mini-pill (the same one given to breastfeeding mothers). I was on the mini-pill off and on while breastfeeding. It didn’t work out well for me – I had a 28 day period (like light bleeding for 4 weeks) and then started getting a 7 day period every 14 days. I was taking it at the right time and being careful and all that. M and I decided that the point of BC is to be able to have sex whenever you want… the mini-pill was kind of missing the point on that one.

I had a long talk with my doctor about the IUD. I had a few options. She was mildly concerned about the crazy cycles, so I’d either have to have a ton of tests to make sure that the pill was the problem or wait several months to see if I would go back to normal without the pill. We decided that the IUD was not right for me because of our plans to start trying for a second baby in a year or whatever. The IUD isn’t really a short term BC method.

So that leaves me out here… in the scary place of just condoms. We’re very good about it. The idea of two kids in infant daycare will scare anyone into perfect condom use!

W is getting older and the idea of another baby is floating around. I’m not at the point where I’m craving another baby yet. I’m still just amazed that I have W. I can’t even imagine loving someone else the way I love him. M has also said that he’s not ready to split his attention between two kids. So we’re still talking about it and deciding. I’m grateful that we have that option.

That Day in May.

I’d been having a kind of emotional day on Mother’s day. Anyone who has struggled knows the pain that this day can bring. I found myself in tears at several points. And I felt guilty. I never had a difficult Mother’s day. I was so lucky to be one of the few who doesn’t have to go through the day while suffering a loss or waiting for a baby. I was remembering Mother’s day 2009 and how that was the day we announced to the world that Baby November was on his way. How I had no idea what was coming. How baby November was already in heaven.

I cried for that girl and her family.

I cried tears of joy for that same girl who spent Mother’s Day 2010 walking around a community lake trying to get labor started.

I cried grateful tears for the little boy who was giving me drooly open mouth kisses.

I cried painful tears for some dear friends who would give anything for drooly open mouth kisses.

I wish I knew that there would be a day in the future where this all comes to an end. It seemed for a while that things were looking up. Lots of the girls I followed had babies. Lots of my the girls in my online support group had babies. But then I start reading new stories. And the girls in my group that are still waiting are having so much trouble. It’s not over.

Lots of love to all the moms out there who are missing babies.