I went to see Eclipse yesterday. Finally. I’m so lame! I wore my New Moon t-shirt. I was happy to be caught up. Whew. I was excited about the previews. Why? Because I was expecting to see the Harry Potter preview. They didn’t show it. Crap heads.
What I did see was a preview for Charlie St. Cloud. It’s not a movie I want to see. I cried during the preview. Not because of the story, but how I could see myself in that role. The basic story (no spoilers – this is just the preview): Zac Efron promises his little brother that they will practice baseball together every night until Zac leaves for college. Then the little brother dies in a car accident. Zac can still see him and they play baseball every evening. Then Zac meets a girl and he starts falling in love and thinks about his brother less and less. Then the girl starts interfering with the baseball playing. The little brother gets angry.
Can you see the parallels to our lives? When I lost my baby, I promised to never forget him. I promised to love him always and think about him all the time. But then W came along. W, who is right in front of me all of the time. Who smiles at me and sleeps in my arms. When I was pregnant, I found myself thinking about the lost baby a little less. Once W was out and with me, I could go a full day without thinking about the lost baby. When I do think about him, I add in some guilt with the sadness. It’s not that I love him less, but… but… what can I say here? I love that baby, but he’s not here. I love W with every cell in my body.
I think the movie is supposed to be about moving on from your losses. I love my dead grandparents, but I don’t think of them every day. I don’t love M’s living grandparents instead of the dead ones. I don’t love W instead of my lost baby. I love them both. Am I moving on from my loss? I hope I’m not forgetting. I don’t want to ever forget, but I do think I’ve learned to live with the loss. I guess that is moving on. I am living in the now instead of the what-might-have-been.
I’m hoping that the baby boy I lost isn’t looking down on me with jealousy or anger. I hope he’s happy to see that we have such a happy family now and he’s encouraging us to fully enjoy our life as it is. I have to believe that.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
My first day back
This isn't really a commentary. More of a timeline.
3:40 am – Hear W sucking his fingers. Hope he falls back to sleep (and he does).
5:15 – Hear W sucking his fingers. Hope he wakes up soon (and he doesn’t).
5:40 – M wakes up and gets ready for work.
5:41 – Remember that today is back to work day. Try not to cry already.
6:10 – Get out of bed and have breakfast. Watch W roll around a little on monitor.
6:20 – Realize frozen milk bags did not thaw in fridge overnight. Panic.
6:21 – Put bags in cold water. They thaw in minutes. Unpanic.
6:30 – Get W’s lunch bag packed and kitchen cleaned up.
6:50 – W wakes up, change his diaper and wash his face. Cry a little on him.
6:59 – Feed W. Inspect his crevices to make sure he won’t be the dirty kid at daycare.
7:13 – W gives me the pouty lip, so I know he’s full. I cry a little because I won’t be nursing him until the evening.
7:15 – Pump and pack up that pumping bag. Pray I’m not forgetting anything.
7:30 – Shower and dressed.
7:45 – Get W dressed and ready. Try to get him to smile at me (unsuccessful) and cry.
7:50 – Pack up W and the car. W cries when I put him in the carseat, but giggles while I put on my shoes. I cry.
8:03 – Arrive at daycare. Keep calm.
8:05 – Take W out of carseat. Consider putting him back in and fleeing.
8:07 – Cry while trying to give ladies instructions. They already know all this stuff.
8:13 – Hug and kiss W. Cry.
8:14 – Give daycare more money than I will make this week.
8:20 – Get in car and cry. Call M. Cry.
8:30 – Arrive at work. Smile at coworkers. Don’t talk so I won’t cry.
8:31 – Set up pictures of W.
8:32 – Cry.
9:30 – Coworker asks what W is doing during the day. I cry.
10:00 – Call daycare. W is happy and finished his bottle.
10:10 – First pumping session. Success. No one walked in on me.
10:40 – Cry a little.
11:30 – Have to get a new tissue for a big cry.
12:49 pm – My chest hurts.
1:00 – Second pump and lunch. Pumping is making me sore.
2:20 – Count how many minutes left (190).
2:26 – Talk to M. Try not to cry. Fail.
2:31 – Stare at baby pictures.
2:52 – Call daycare. W liked the swing.
2:55 – Sit in desk chair and cry a little.
3:38 – Jealous of M who has already left work.
4:00 - Begin to wonder if W and M made it home ok.
4:03 - Last pumping session. I'm sore-er than before. Very happy I remembered to pack the Lansinoh!
4:28 - Call home and text M to see if they are home.
4:31 - M calls. They are home and happy. He gives me the rundown on W's pee and poop.
4:32 - Wish I was home.
5:21 - Daydream about going home.
5:27 - I think this day can be over. Pack up and leave. Hope I remember the milk in the fridge!
3:40 am – Hear W sucking his fingers. Hope he falls back to sleep (and he does).
5:15 – Hear W sucking his fingers. Hope he wakes up soon (and he doesn’t).
5:40 – M wakes up and gets ready for work.
5:41 – Remember that today is back to work day. Try not to cry already.
6:10 – Get out of bed and have breakfast. Watch W roll around a little on monitor.
6:20 – Realize frozen milk bags did not thaw in fridge overnight. Panic.
6:21 – Put bags in cold water. They thaw in minutes. Unpanic.
6:30 – Get W’s lunch bag packed and kitchen cleaned up.
6:50 – W wakes up, change his diaper and wash his face. Cry a little on him.
6:59 – Feed W. Inspect his crevices to make sure he won’t be the dirty kid at daycare.
7:13 – W gives me the pouty lip, so I know he’s full. I cry a little because I won’t be nursing him until the evening.
7:15 – Pump and pack up that pumping bag. Pray I’m not forgetting anything.
7:30 – Shower and dressed.
7:45 – Get W dressed and ready. Try to get him to smile at me (unsuccessful) and cry.
7:50 – Pack up W and the car. W cries when I put him in the carseat, but giggles while I put on my shoes. I cry.
8:03 – Arrive at daycare. Keep calm.
8:05 – Take W out of carseat. Consider putting him back in and fleeing.
8:07 – Cry while trying to give ladies instructions. They already know all this stuff.
8:13 – Hug and kiss W. Cry.
8:14 – Give daycare more money than I will make this week.
8:20 – Get in car and cry. Call M. Cry.
8:30 – Arrive at work. Smile at coworkers. Don’t talk so I won’t cry.
8:31 – Set up pictures of W.
8:32 – Cry.
9:30 – Coworker asks what W is doing during the day. I cry.
10:00 – Call daycare. W is happy and finished his bottle.
10:10 – First pumping session. Success. No one walked in on me.
10:40 – Cry a little.
11:30 – Have to get a new tissue for a big cry.
12:49 pm – My chest hurts.
1:00 – Second pump and lunch. Pumping is making me sore.
2:20 – Count how many minutes left (190).
2:26 – Talk to M. Try not to cry. Fail.
2:31 – Stare at baby pictures.
2:52 – Call daycare. W liked the swing.
2:55 – Sit in desk chair and cry a little.
3:38 – Jealous of M who has already left work.
4:00 - Begin to wonder if W and M made it home ok.
4:03 - Last pumping session. I'm sore-er than before. Very happy I remembered to pack the Lansinoh!
4:28 - Call home and text M to see if they are home.
4:31 - M calls. They are home and happy. He gives me the rundown on W's pee and poop.
4:32 - Wish I was home.
5:21 - Daydream about going home.
5:27 - I think this day can be over. Pack up and leave. Hope I remember the milk in the fridge!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Two Months
Two months in and I'm still loving this. W makes it easy. He's a great baby. He sleeps through the night (usually 10 pm until 7-ish). He eats great. He doesn't cry that much (unless there's a problem). We are the luckiest parents in the world. This post is kind of all over the place. Just random thoughts I've had over the few days I've been typing this.
He started sucking his fingers reliably this week, so the pacifiers are getting used less and less. Everyone has their own ideas about this, and we decided to go with fingers. W likes them best and we're not happy about having a kid with a paci in his face all the time, so fingers are best for us. We know we'll have trouble down the road getting him to stop sucking his fingers, but both ways present a challenge and the pediatrician told us to go with whatever works. The pacifier is around for when he gets so worked up that he just can't get the fingers to work. Yesterday M's family kept picking it up and shoving it in W's face. I felt like a broken record "It looks like he doesn't want that now." "Hmmm... I think he's ok without the pacifier." "I try not to give that to him if he doesn't want it." and on and on.
Breastfeeding is still going great. It doesn't hurt anymore (took about 4 weeks to get to that point) and my supply is still awesome. I have a great stash in the freezer for him. But it was hard to stick with it. Those first few weeks were tough (and I had it good!). I really admire anyone who had trouble and could still do it. And I also admire those of you who had the good sense to stop trying if it wasn't working. I get so mad at the LCs who say that BFing is SOOOO convenient! Is it convenient to have to wear breast pads everywhere? Is it convenient to not want to shower because you don't want water to touch your nipples? Is it convenient to have to go hide in a bedroom every few hours to feed the baby? Is it convenient to have to go home early from a date because you feel like you're going to pop? Is it convenient to have to pump and store all this milk? Is it convenient to not know how much your baby is eating? Is it convenient to pump 3 times a day at work? I could go on forever... But it is wonderful to be able to provide for him this way. And it's wonderful to watch him look up at me while he's eating. And I like having all that cuddle time built in. No matter who's around, I get to claim him and snuggle for as long as I want because he needs me.
[note - just read Ms J's post about breastfeeding. I agree that you don't need breastfeeding to create a bond. M LOVES giving W a bottle because of the loving looks he gets while feeding the baby. I love rocking W to sleep because of the way he tries to stay awake just to look at me. That's the bonding. Showing your baby that he is safe with you and you will give him everything he needs.]
This is my last full week off. I visited the daycare to make sure everything is ready and I have everything W needs. I'mboth upset and a little excited. I'm ready to get back to my life and having a social outlet. I feel pretty detached from everyone (online and real life). I'll have all the me time I need at work, so when I get home I can focus on W. But man, I'm going to miss him! I'm going to want to go see him during the day, but won't it be harder to drag myself away from him TWICE in one day?
Before I had W, I used to worry if I'd be a good mom. I'm pretty self centered and I need a lot of quiet alone time. M is the only person I've ever been able to be around constantly. I worried that having a baby would make me cranky. But it hasn't. I want W around me all the time. Every morning feels like Christmas. I wake up to his little noises and I want to grab him out of the bassinet and hug him tight. When people visit, I get jealous of them for getting to hold W.
I'm not sure what's going to come out of this blog now. I'm not really into being a mommy blogger. I feel like anything I could say has already been said (much better) by so many other people. It might turn into a place for me to release my frustration about being away from W all day at work.
Fair warning: There will probably be a weepy sad lonely post from work coming in the next two weeks.
Here is a baby in a pool:
[adorable picture removed]
He started sucking his fingers reliably this week, so the pacifiers are getting used less and less. Everyone has their own ideas about this, and we decided to go with fingers. W likes them best and we're not happy about having a kid with a paci in his face all the time, so fingers are best for us. We know we'll have trouble down the road getting him to stop sucking his fingers, but both ways present a challenge and the pediatrician told us to go with whatever works. The pacifier is around for when he gets so worked up that he just can't get the fingers to work. Yesterday M's family kept picking it up and shoving it in W's face. I felt like a broken record "It looks like he doesn't want that now." "Hmmm... I think he's ok without the pacifier." "I try not to give that to him if he doesn't want it." and on and on.
Breastfeeding is still going great. It doesn't hurt anymore (took about 4 weeks to get to that point) and my supply is still awesome. I have a great stash in the freezer for him. But it was hard to stick with it. Those first few weeks were tough (and I had it good!). I really admire anyone who had trouble and could still do it. And I also admire those of you who had the good sense to stop trying if it wasn't working. I get so mad at the LCs who say that BFing is SOOOO convenient! Is it convenient to have to wear breast pads everywhere? Is it convenient to not want to shower because you don't want water to touch your nipples? Is it convenient to have to go hide in a bedroom every few hours to feed the baby? Is it convenient to have to go home early from a date because you feel like you're going to pop? Is it convenient to have to pump and store all this milk? Is it convenient to not know how much your baby is eating? Is it convenient to pump 3 times a day at work? I could go on forever... But it is wonderful to be able to provide for him this way. And it's wonderful to watch him look up at me while he's eating. And I like having all that cuddle time built in. No matter who's around, I get to claim him and snuggle for as long as I want because he needs me.
[note - just read Ms J's post about breastfeeding. I agree that you don't need breastfeeding to create a bond. M LOVES giving W a bottle because of the loving looks he gets while feeding the baby. I love rocking W to sleep because of the way he tries to stay awake just to look at me. That's the bonding. Showing your baby that he is safe with you and you will give him everything he needs.]
This is my last full week off. I visited the daycare to make sure everything is ready and I have everything W needs. I'mboth upset and a little excited. I'm ready to get back to my life and having a social outlet. I feel pretty detached from everyone (online and real life). I'll have all the me time I need at work, so when I get home I can focus on W. But man, I'm going to miss him! I'm going to want to go see him during the day, but won't it be harder to drag myself away from him TWICE in one day?
Before I had W, I used to worry if I'd be a good mom. I'm pretty self centered and I need a lot of quiet alone time. M is the only person I've ever been able to be around constantly. I worried that having a baby would make me cranky. But it hasn't. I want W around me all the time. Every morning feels like Christmas. I wake up to his little noises and I want to grab him out of the bassinet and hug him tight. When people visit, I get jealous of them for getting to hold W.
I'm not sure what's going to come out of this blog now. I'm not really into being a mommy blogger. I feel like anything I could say has already been said (much better) by so many other people. It might turn into a place for me to release my frustration about being away from W all day at work.
Fair warning: There will probably be a weepy sad lonely post from work coming in the next two weeks.
Here is a baby in a pool:
[adorable picture removed]
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