7 weeks and it was Christmas!

I was 7 weeks on Christmas day and it was wonderful. I am still giddy from the joy on our mother’s faces as the fuzzy picture registered and they knew what they were looking at. I can’t stop smiling from showing my father in law where the baby was in the ultrasound and assuring him that it wasn’t a picture of a tornado. My dad had happy tears in his eyes.

I had to wear a belly band to Christmas Eve Mass. It made me very happy. All of my other pants fit fine. Those were just a little too snug. I think it might have something to do with the huge dinner we had with my parents the night before. More of a mashed potato baby.

As usual, my symptoms are out of control. The complete exhaustion is wearing on me. Throw in all of the Christmas celebrations and I could crawl into a corner and sleep for a week! I told my bosses on Friday. I didn’t want to tell so early, but when I started nodding off at my desk, I thought they should know why. They were happy for me. It’s better to tell early here anyway. I work on long term projects and this way they can schedule around me.

Right now I am looking forward to Saturday. I have a nap planned. 

Heartbeat!

I'm home from the first appointment. I was a huge mess once I got to the room. I was ok this morning and ok while I was in the waiting room. But when I got into the room, I couldn't really keep it together. Ugh. 

The doctor was poking around in there when she said, "Are you sure of your dates?" And my heart sunk. Those are not words you want to hear. Then she tipped the screen towards me and I could see the little flicker. We're measuring a day or two behind. I am not concerned about this because when I called to make the appointment, I blanked on my LMP. So I guessed (off by a few days). I call myself 6w2d, she was looking for 6w5d. We were measuring at least 6 mm and the heartbeat was there. I didn't get a number, but the flicker looked great to me. 

All is well. 

After a few minutes, the stress came pouring out of me and I started ugly crying. The doctor left so I could get dressed and calm down. M had tears in his eyes, too. I told her I wanted to come in more often (with W I went every 2 weeks). She compromised for 3 weeks and told me I needed to relax about this. She saw me at my most worked up. I am worried, but I'm not walking around pent up like that all the time. These appointments are huge turning points for me. M and I didn't even talk about LUNCH after the appointment because I so afraid of the results.  

I have my next two appointments scheduled (that was a little scary for me) and the NT scan is all set up. I'll be back to the doctor on January 10th. 

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. 

6 weeks and it's my birthday

I had a dream last night that I started spotting. I was pissed. Why did it have to happen on my birthday! But luckily, it was just a dream. Everything still seems to be going well. 

I'm exhausted. I'm not hungry ever. I'm sleepy. My chest is huge and aching. I'm tired. I've had a few mornings where I felt sick. 

My stomach has pooched out a little. Not that I was super skinny before, but I can tell a difference. 

I'm very happy to be having so many symptoms. But I'm also scared out of my mind. I don't want another blighted ovum. I don't want another D&C. I don't want to go through it anymore. I pray constantly that this is the last time I have to do this. If we have a bad appointment, I think I'd be going through all of the Christmas celebrations without it being resolved. I kind of think I'd pass on the D&C this time. I'm afraid of having too many and what it could mean for the future. But then again, do I really want to spend Christmas like that? Why do I have to think about this? Because this is my normal. I need to go into this appointment knowing what I will do if the news is bad. I want to have my decisions made before I get emotional. 

I have already decided that my little family will be going on a minimum 4 night stay to the Dominican Republic if we get bad news. Sometime in January. We will deserve it. 

My appointment is Thursday at noon. I would love to be able to tell our parents on Christmas. It feels too early, but I think they would need to know. I need them to know. 

5 weeks and all is well.

Today I am five weeks. That is a milestone for me, which is kind of sad.

My symptoms are still strong. My boobs hurt so bad that I need to hold them when I go down stairs. I feel a little queasy a lot of the time. And I’m super emotional and tired. These are all good signs, but I can’t really hold onto them as comfort. All of this could just be side effects from the progesterone. I feel like I could be completely not pregnant anymore and the progesterone is just making me hold onto it and giving me all these fake symptoms all the time. I hope that’s not the case.

I could also blame the tiredness on a certain little boy who doesn’t like to go to sleep.

I’ve just started lurking on the birth boards. I tried to stay away, but I seem to crave being around people who understand. The rainbow board for August is a private group and that makes me happy. It’s easier to let your true emotions show in the private groups.

My weirdest symptom is still going strong. Every weekday morning, I pee around 9 or 9:30. That pee is always very cloudy when I am pregnant. It was happening near the end of the last week of November and I briefly wondered about it and decided I was crazy. It happened all through my pregnancy with W. I talked to the doctor about it and they had no explanation, just that it could have something to do with dehydration. They did test it again for proteins, though. It is only on the weekdays and only in the morning. Does this happen to anyone else? 

#6

I was going to keep this a secret. I didn’t want any congratulations.

But here we are. Pregnancy #6 is official. In the days leading up to this weekend, my boobs were hurting, but I’m now used to that as a symptom of AF, so I didn’t pay attention. On Sunday, though, I could feel the difference. I could tell the shapes I spent Sunday being anxious. My boobs were extremely painful and I could feel that they were denser, which is usually a game changer. I also felt dizzy and a little queasy. Then I got very nervous. I went to the grocery store and got a test.

This morning I tested. The positive line showed up before the control line.

We weren’t trying. We were supposed to start Trying Again (again again) next month. I have continued to take my folic acid and prenatal vitamins this entire time.

How do I feel today? I was shaking for most of the morning. I cried in the shower. You are not supposed to cry in the shower if you find yourself pregnant and you’ve been wishing to be pregnant for over a year. But that’s how I feel. I feel completely overwhelmed and afraid. I wanted this so much, but I wasn’t prepared for it to happen now.

In other news, I found on on Friday that M’s chromosome work up came back normal. That is great to hear. It means the problem is completely unexplained. Hooray for us.

I called the doctor and I have an appointment for December 20^th at noon. I’m waiting for a return call from the nurse so I can get my progesterone. Keep me in your thoughts, please. I need all the help I can get. 

Genetic counseling

We had our appointment with the genetic counselor and the Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor today. The first thing I did was fill out a life history of sorts. It was 5 pages of all of my health history. I got to list all of my pregnancies on a form. They had five slots. Lucky me, I didn’t have to ask for another paper! The nurse asked me my due date. Sorry, not pregnant!

The genetic counselor sat with us for about an hour. She wanted to know complete family history back to our grandparents. We talked about every person’s pregnancies and children. I came prepared with everything written out for her, so she could follow that easily. During this discussion, we learned the difference between second cousins and first cousins once removed. The “removed” means that they are on a different generation. Second cousins are in the same generation. My grandfather’s brother’s children are my mom’s first cousins. They are my first cousins, once removed. Their children and my second cousins. Neat.

In making the family history, I found out a lot about losses in my family. I didn’t know about a lot of them. It’s rough to know that they went through it, and very sad.

Our family histories both looked pretty good. We don’t have histories of repeat losses, we don’t have birth defects or any disabilities. That is all good news for us.

My chromosomes have already been checked, so we know it’s good on my side. We also think M’s are fine. We are still having his checked because he may have a translocation (that was fully explained to us and now makes sense to me)*. We don’t know if this is the problem and we hope that it is not. But it is something to check.

The Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor came in afterwards to discuss her opinions. She wants to check my homocysteine levels. That is an extension of the blood clotting disorders, kind of an indicator of how my body is reacting to the MTHFR. If they are abnormal, it would mean taking more blood thinners. Not a huge deal.

I am not having a hysterogram or anything right now. It’s an option, but we agreed that it’s not something to look into right now.

Now we wait until the results come back. It will take about 2 weeks.

*Translocations, as I heard it: When this happens, parts of two chromosomes are switched. The person with the translocation is fine, because they have all of their chromosomes, they just happen to be in the wrong place. This becomes a problem when your cells divide for reproduction. The sperm or the egg only gets ½ of the chromosomes, so if you get the part with the translocated chromosomes, you are missing some that you need and getting too many of others. So in most cases, a baby cannot grow from this. 

Peace

Well, not completely. But I am doing better. I’m going to get really cheesy here. Bear with me.

Do you sometimes have songs that fit so well where you are in your life? I have a lot. One is “Gotta get through this” By Daniel Bedingfield. It came out when I was working on my thesis for my master’s degree and it was the one I blasted while I was preparing my defense. I hate research and I hate presentations. I already had a job lined up. I just had to get through it and life would be awesome.

Have you heard the song “I will wait” by Mumford and Sons? I was having a sad feeling afternoon during my drive home, just thinking about all this crap and how I was mad. Then this song came on. I can’t really understand all of it because I’m old, but I just kept hearing I will wait for you. And it all came together. I had to wait to get W. I would wait for him again. He was worth every second of pain and darkness.

These days of dust
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

That is what I need to focus on.

I will wait. I will wait for you.  

The follow up

I had my follow up-appointment on Friday morning. It was a good one. I got to leave my pants on. In fact, the entire appointment took place in the doctor’s office. I got to sit in a chair.

I arrived and they took my weight and blood pressure. My weight keeps creeping up, but whatever. I don’t care about that now. Then the nurse took me back to a regular exam room and asked me a few questions about the miscarriage. She asked me if she thought I passed everything. I told her I was pretty sure. I feel fine and the bleeding stopped. So she just had me sit on the table. Then I waited for a while. I could hear the appointment in the room next store. I heard the Doppler come on and I heard them search for the baby’s heartbeat. I had a few seconds of anger at the person who was having a great appointment. Then it turned to fear while I waited for them to find it and I prayed for that girl until I heard the right sound. Then I went back to being mad. The doctor came in to get me and took me back to her office. That made me feel better. It’s easier to ask questions when you are in a real chair.

I’d never met this doctor before. I wanted to meet with the doctor who did my c-section, but I would have had to wait until mid-November to see her. So I picked this one. She is new to the practice. She had already looked through my file. She told me that 4 miscarriages is too much. I agreed. I cried a little. She went through my records and we talked about all the tests I had done. We found out that I have already had my chromosomes checked. I didn’t know that was done, but I was happy to know that’s one less thing to worry about. I saw a picture of them. They looked normal, I guess. She gave me a referral to the Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctor and the genetic counselor. Then she went through and gave me a list of the questions I should ask both doctors. I don’t have the list with me, but I’ll outline all of them after the appointment. Then we talked about trying again. I am to call the office immediately and get a prescription for progesterone. Who knows if that’s the problem, but it’s a simple step to take. She also told me to wait until January. That made me sad, but she explained that the miscarriage risk is slightly higher in the months following a miscarriage. She wanted to rule out that for a reason. I understand and I guess we’ll wait.

I’m tired of waiting.

The big appointment is November 1^st at 9 am. M will be with me. We have to bring complete family histories of pregnancies and pregnancy problems. This means talking to our parents about this. It won’t be a problem from my mom. She already knows about this last one and will be more than willing to help. She’d come to the appointment if I wanted her there. I have to ask my father about it. I’ll do that all over email (later on today). I’m not sure how much he’ll know about his mom, but he might be able to ask his sisters about it. We also have to ask M’s mom for information about his family history. We know her mother had a lot of problems (and 6 living children). I’m sad that I have to drag all of those old feelings up. I’ll call her tonight to talk about it. I’m not sure how to frame this conversation. She knows about 3 of the 4. Do I just tell her about the last one? Do I just refer to “problems” or what? I’ll probably cry, which won’t make this any easier. 

Still Angry

Where is the stage of grieving where you throw away the positive pregnancy test? Is it acceptance? Because I’m not there. I don’t think I’ve reached acceptance for these past two and I won’t get there for a while. I’m still firmly in Anger. I threw the latest test away with a swift, firm Fuck and then buried it in the other trash. Then I felt bad. Is that really what I want to do with the only real evidence that a bundle of cells that I love existed?

I talked to the nurse yesterday and went in for another blood draw. My new OB appointment has been switched to a follow up with time for discussion about my options. I will investigate my insurance coverage early next week. I wanted an earlier time, but the schedule was full. My practice has 10 or 12 doctors and is always very busy. It’s frustrating, but they always take time once you are in the room with the doctor. So I’ll wait and hopefully come out of that meeting with some sort of action plan. I hope to get a referral to an RE and to continue trying while we get tests done. I’m don’t want to stop trying because I know we can be successful… even if it is only 20% of the time.

The nurse called me again today. My number is down to 2. Hooray for some good news.

And the award goes to...

Congratulations, #4, on being the grossest miscarriage yet! I was actually at the point last night where I considered calling the on call doctor and talking to them about the whole filling a pad in an hour thing. I wasn’t exactly there, it’s just a lot of blood. I was kind of worried about bleeding out overnight and not having anyone home to notice (M is on a work trip, of course). Sorry for grossing you out (and I’m sure this isn’t the first time). Don’t worry. That didn’t happen. I’m fine today. Not even light headed! Today I’m relying on the tampon-pad combination, which I don’t like to do during miscarriages*. The super is done after 2.5 hours. And I’m wearing dark pants. I don’t have a lot of dark pants. This is a laid back business casual office and khaki pants are the usual. But at least these pants are loose.

The doctor’s office didn’t call me back yesterday, so I called again this morning and left a message that included the phrase “a lot of bleeding” and “I’d like to see a doctor.” Hopefully those are the magic words.

I’m pretty upset that we are out of M&Ms in the office snack cabinet.

 * Unless one is a medical professional, one should NOT HAVE TO HAVE AN OPINION on the use of tampons during a miscarriage. What the hell. 

Bloodwork

I went in for the bloodwork yesterday and they had me in the schedule wrong. My appointment wasn't until today at 4:30. But I said the magic word "miscarriage" and they switched it right then. So I was able to get in and have my blood drawn. I didn't talk to a nurse or anyone. The lady taking my blood didn't say anything. It was kind of cold feeling. If this had been my first one, I would have been very confused. I went to schedule the next blood draw and I had to tell the scheduler what I needed and why and when. Hooray for being super informed about miscarriage! 

The bleeding had picked up earlier in the afternoon. By evening it was like a regular period. I don't have any cramping or anything. It's not even especially heavy. This is nothing like my first natural miscarriage. That one was at 5 weeks, 3 days. This one was at 4 weeks, 6 days. Only 4 days different, but I guess none of them are ever the same. 

I'm going to call the nurse this afternoon and find out if the number is back yet. Hopefully it will be low enough to cancel the next blood draw. Then I can just schedule a follow up appointment and get this one over with. 

I'm not sure about what I'll do for testing. I'm considering some chromosomal tests, but I'm a little worried about the cost and what will be covered. Not that we can't do it, but we just bought the house and we've had some expensive car problems this past month. I don't want to test just for giggles. I only want to do it if it makes sense. I'm fairly sure W's chromosomes are normal and I had the tests from my first D&C come back normal, too. I didn't have any testing done on the first one or the blighted ovum. I also won't have any tests done on this one. 

Emotionally, I'm doing ok. I've had some shakey moments today, but mostly I'm ok. We had a great distraction last night with a baseball game. It was weird when I was standing there and I would remember what was happening. You can feel very much by yourself when you are in a stadium with 50,000 cheering people and you feel sad. 

Update for today

I have a doctor appointment in 45 minutes. When I talked to them on the phone and told them that I had some spotting, but no pain, they didn't get worked up about it. All they want to do today is a blood draw. I found another pregnancy test in a closet, so I took it and it came up pretty faint. I had some more blood and some more tissue this afternoon. I'm sure that the blood test will come up very low. I'll go back again on Wednesday to make sure it is going down and then we'll go back to the dreaded trying again. Thank you for thinking of me. You know it means the world to me. Keep your fingers crossed that this will end quickly and easily!

Once again...

And it's over. I feel like it didn't even begin. 

I had some pink spotting yesterday, but I didn't get worried. It's was barely anything. I wouldn't have even seen it if I wasn't looking like a crazy person with each trip to the bathroom. Right before bed I had a streak of red. Luckily I was exhausted and didn't stay awake with worry at all. 

This morning I was laying in bed and thinking that I didn't want to get up. As soon I went into the bathroom I knew I would see red and it would be over for sure. But my bladder was screaming, so I went in and everything was fine. Not even a trace. I though I was home free and yesterday was just that spotting that some people have. 

Then I was about to get into the shower and I peed again (I pee a lot, especially on cold mornings). There was lots of red with tissue. 

It took me a while to cry. It was more of a huge rush of rage and frustration. Then I sat on the floor and cried for a while. I got myself together to tell M. I'm always having to tell him that it's over. We cried together for a little while and I went back to bed. I briefly considered going to work because that would be a good distraction. Then I realized that I would have to spend the day pretending I was fine. That's exhausting. 

I waited for W to wake up and pulled him into bed with me. Even now, when I feel so angry with myself and the entire world, I know I am lucky. I have this amazing little person who gave me a hug and was so so happy when I told him I was staying home with him today. I told my work and daycare that he is sick. My MIL is babysitting him tonight, so I'll have to lie to her, too. 

I already told my mom about the positive test. She was here visiting and she told me that she had a feeling when she saw me. Moms always can just tell. I told her we were not getting excited about it until after the first ultrasound. But I know she was still happy. Now I have to call her and tell her about this. Again. I'm always calling and telling people that they aren't getting a grandchild. 

I gave myself a 50% chance of getting a heartbeat this time and a 25% chance of actually getting a healthy baby. Next time those will be worse. One child from 5 pregnancies. Four babies not born. 

I'm going to call the doctor later and maybe I'll get an appointment for this afternoon or tomorrow just to verify that everything is coming out ok. The last time this happened, they did an ultrasound to make sure everything was gone and they took some blood. 

#5

Here it is. I tested on a real test this morning. I think this is pretty clear. 

I also tested on an internet cheapie this morning. I was just as blank as the others. As I was pulling it out of the packet, I noticed the expiration date. So that could be the reason that I'm not getting any kind of results. I'm going to throw the rest of them away. I'm surprised that the expiration date really means something. 

This means I won't have any pregnancy tests in my house. I think that could be a good thing. I won't be tempted to keep testing and testing. 

EDD is June 11th. I'm calling the doctor later on today to get an appointment. Let the crazy days of complete crazy fear begin!

One day late

Today is cycle day 27. I have only had one 28 day cycle in the past few years and it was the cycle immediately following my D&C. I usually go 25-26 days. So I am officially late.

Let’s start at the beginning. This is my 4^th cycle of trying (as I have been complaining about because I’m annoying). I used cheapie ovulation strips this time. I started on CD 7 and started to panic around CD 12. With a 26 day cycle, I always thought that I ovulated on the 12^th day. The line started to get darker on CD 13. It peaked the morning of CD 14. I had read lots of information about the sticks (thank you LuckyOnce!). I knew that ovulation was about 24 hours after the peak and that’s what we aimed for.

Here is a picture of those sticks. It was fun using them, especially when they started getting darker. M thought it was gross that I had them all lined up on the bathroom vanity. I liked it. It made me feel like I was in control (which I know is not true). The sticks are now close to 2 weeks old, so the darkness of the lines is a little different than it was when they were new. I also liked that you aren’t supposed to use FMU and I could do these when I was totally awake!

Every cycle of Trying Again has been the same. Sore boobs for the entire 2WW. I did not let this get me excited this time. I didn't test until the day AF was due. I didn't get my hopes up. I only browsed the June 2013 birth club once or twice. That's good for me. 

I POAS on Sunday morning. But it wasn’t FMU. I really had to go at 4:30 am I didn’t want to fumble around in the dark and spill pee on anything. Plus I wanted to be able to get back to sleep! I did use one when I woke up and it came up completely negative. I spent lots of time yesterday going to the bathroom and checking to see if I had any spotting. Nothing happened. Around 3 pm, I opened the drawer where I hid the test and if I tilted it just right and turned my head and squinted, I could maybe see a little something. But I’ve been around long enough to know that it could be an evap line and I was stupid for looking at it 8 hours later. But I know everyone does that. I let M know that AF hadn’t shown up while we were eating dinner (how appetizing!)

This morning I POAS again and we looked at it together after breakfast. We both kind of stared at it. I wouldn’t say it is 100% negative. It could be a little positive, but it is very very very light. M saw it, though. I know he is not crazy. I've already shown this to a few internet friends. The majority is saying that they can't see anything. I can't see anything on this picture, either. 

This isn’t my BFP announcement. This is my AF is late announcement. I’ll keep testing and I’ll let you know when I get a for sure BFP or a for sure end of this cycle. 

Cycle #3

My due date for the blighted ovum came and went over the weekend. I spent the day sort of thinking about it and then working around the house. We moved this weekend, so I was distracted and excited about that. But that didn’t stop me from feeling sad or wondering what I would be doing if we had that baby. I know I wouldn’t have this great new house, but I’d rather be in a small house and have that baby.

This was the first time I passed a due date without being pregnant. I started spotting on Sunday morning (CD 22 – I think it was due to all the moving and carrying stuff around). Thanks for the reminder, body! You’re awesome! AF came for sure on Tuesday morning. That marks our third cycle of Actively Trying (Again).

I know, I know. Three cycles. BFD. I’m in the ALI blogworld, three cycles of trying is nothing to this community. Only three cycles is barely even starting. But I’m still scared. I’ve been pregnant 4 times. Every time was on the 1^st month of trying (or - in the case of my only successful pregnancy – during a month when we weren’t trying yet). That’s awesome and lucky for us. Now I’ve been actively trying for 3 months and nothing has happened. I’ve read enough about secondary infertility to be afraid. I’m trying to be proactive about it. I’ve been tracking my cycles since the beginning of the year. I won’t bore you with the details, but they are short. I’m starting to wonder exactly when I ovulate. I don’t do temping because I don’t think I could do it right. 

So I bought 20 ovulation sticks from a cheapie website (the same one where I bought a billion pregnancy tests) and I’m going to start peeing on them as soon as I get them. And then I’m scheduling a massage for myself near the middle of this month. I’m going to be relaxed and calm. And if this doesn’t work, I’m not going to panic. I’m going to stick it out and just keep trying because this is normal. I will, however, be contacting my doctor after 6 months of trying. Keep your fingers crossed for us! 

Check in - TTC Cycle #2

A quick check in to wallow in my own ridiculousness. We are in cycle #2 of Trying Again. I’m already so sick of Trying Again. My body is playing tricks on me. I have sore boobs constantly and then they go away. Last cycle I was actually wincing in pain while I walked, but then AF showed up a few days early. I am easily fooled, so when the hurting went on for several days this month, I actually peed in a cup with M standing there to see the results. Then he was sad when nothing showed up. I’m a jerk.

I’m still in the game this cycle, but not holding my breath. I realize that we’re only on the second cycle of Trying Again and I have no reason to be so crabby (except for PMS, I suppose). I'm writing this with a secret hope that I can prove myself wrong by Friday. 

My commenting zeal has faded in the past few months. That doesn’t mean I’m not reading or not caring. Lots of us are back on this wagon again and I’m quietly rooting for you guys, just like I know you’re quietly rooting for me. I think it’s amazing that so many of my buddies here are too busy to write much. 

Happy little house

We spent this weekend packing up our house. We decided it was a good time to move. This winter we talked about moving, but then decided to stay in our current house because we were going to have a baby this fall.

Then we weren’t having a baby anymore. Now’s the time to move. I’m not pregnant and W is big enough to entertain himself. Perfect timing.

We have a lot of work to do to stage our house. I pulled books off bookshelves – I left only the books that people would see and have “good thoughts” about. I took away books about politicians so I wouldn’t offend someone on the other side of politics (although someone on the “other side” might not fit in our neighborhood that well). I took out silly books. I left bestsellers and mainstream series. I left all of my pregnancy and baby books. I took out all of the pregnancy loss and grief books. Then I worried about offending someone who might walk in my house. What if she is suffering from infertility and seeing W’s room makes her sad? What if seeing those books makes her sad? Ultimately I decided to keep the happy pregnancy and baby books. Wouldn’t you want to move to a house that has “happy living child” vibes?

Look at this lovely house, folks!! No baby loss here! Nothing to see but happy faces! 

I’m also planning to take my little tree with us when we move. I haven’t told anyone about this. I’m sure M will go along with it. I figured that a few days before we leave, I’ll go buy a similar tree and dig up the current one. No one will notice or care. But I’ll know. Our current house backs up to walking paths and I will be able to see the back yard when I’m out on walks. It would kill me if someone dug up my little tree and threw it away. So it’s moving with me. My little tree will always be safe. 

Three Years

Tomorrow W will be two. We’ve already had the birthday party, so in my mind he is a two year old. He’s a sweet, funny little kid now. He will steal your nose and then put it back. He’ll cry for mommy and hit if he doesn’t get his way. He’ll hug me tight and push me away. He’ll eat more than me some nights and other nights he’ll be all done after eating one grape. He loves potatoes. He hates potatoes. He loves Ernie and shoes.

I still cry at night when I rock him to sleep. It’s been two years, but I still can’t believe that he’s mine. Words can’t describe how grateful I am to have him.

It’s been 3 years since we lost our little baby boy and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. Other times it seems like a lifetime ago. I remember when I first started reading blogs and seeing stories where the woman was a year or two out from her loss (or losses) and had a child. I remember thinking that I would never get that far and wondering what I’d be like when I got to that point. Would I have a baby? Would I have more than one?

Hopefully next year I’ll be happily on the road to a second baby or have one in my arms!

Internet Friends!

If I were a better writer, I’d have an awesome post here today. I’d tell a cute anecdote about my first memories of posting on BBC in May 2009 and then bring it full circle to meeting some amazing friends almost 3 years later. But I’m not, so I’ll just try not to cry while I write this!

Way back in the beginning, before I even started writing here, I was posting on a babycenter board. It was for anyone who had lost a baby due in November 2009. I think I found them a day or two after the D&C and I posted about it there. It was a sad place, but so welcoming. The group kept growing after I was there and each new girl arrived with a new heartbreaking story. The posts were mostly about our feelings and dealing with grief. I think the group had close to 90 members in the beginning. It took a while, but we started to know each other better and eventually we moved to facebook where we could share pictures easier and we’ve become pretty involved in each other’s daily lives. The group has almost 40 members now and about 20 or so participate regularly.

So three years of having these people in my life. We’ve been there through so much with each other. We’ve celebrated babies and we’ve cried through multiple losses. We’ve also argued with each other, of course. Just because we all lost babies doesn’t mean that we’re all best friends! In a group this large you are going to find a few people that you just click with better than others.

Last fall, the idea that a bunch of girls should meet each other came up again. We always talked about it and that time it really stuck. We talked and talked and voted and voted some more. Eventually we settled on Chicago in April. After that, the hardest part was jumping in and actually booking the whole thing. I had the miscarriage in January and I needed a pick up, so I booked my flight. Then the whole thing started rolling. We had 10 girls that could make the trip. TEN! Amazing.

One of the girls found out she was having a threatened miscarriage the day before we were scheduled to leave. She decided not to come, and I can’t blame her. I’m so sad that she missed the trip and the fun, but I understand completely and would have done the same thing. She wasn’t far from our minds all weekend (and things are looking up now).

As the trip got closer, I started talking about it more and more to the people around me. I tried to be vague. “I’m going on a girl’s weekend trip to Chicago!” and people would usually let that drop. But people that know my friends would want to know what group I was going with. Do you know how many strange looks you get when you say that you are going to meet your internet friends for a full weekend? So then I’d have to clarify and say that I was meeting girls that I met when I had a miscarriage in 2009 and I’ve been talking to them since then. I still don’t think most people understood.

You always hear people say that a tragedy brings people closer. I believe that. And after our personal tragedies, we all still had that cover of being “anonymous” to talk to each other about our lives and issues that you don’t want to discuss with the people in your daily life. Discussions about our families, our fears and our bathroom habits happen every day. I know more about these girls than I know about some friends that I see regularly.

And then, last Friday, I got onto a plane and hugged some of those girls. I wasn’t surprised at my emotions when I met them. I cried so much! Then I was shaking! Then I was crying some more! Here they were, the girls I had only seen in pictures. I could hear their voices and hug them. And they hugged back! The weekend with them was surreal. I felt like I was with a bunch of old friends. The conversation was easy. We could talk about anything without having to explain a bunch of backstory. Everyone already knew that I was inappropriate. I was lucky enough that the ones I’ve grown closest to were there and I’m now so much closer to the other girls that were there.

Amazing. And to think I wouldn’t have them if I hadn’t been through the miscarriage. They are my silver lining.

The actual cost of miscarriage

Let’s talk about one of the jerky-est parts of miscarriage:

The bills.

The constant reminder of what happened to you. The mailbox is no longer an awesome source of US Weekly. It is now a place filled with insurance statements and bills and re-bills.

Re-bills? Didn’t you forget? You were so shaken and angry that you filled out your debit card information wrong. So you get the bill again.

Then you find out that your employer forgot to renew the debit cards and that all expired on March 1^st… the same day you mailed back several of the large bills.

So you are standing there in the afternoon, over two months since your miscarriage and you are still getting bills in the mail and your US weekly is late.

I need to insert a disclaimer. I have awesome insurance and I realize that I am one of the lucky ones. My miscarriage didn’t cost me anything. I was able to make the decision to get a D&C without having to worry about the cost. My job provides me with a debit card to cover my deductible every year. I am not complaining about them forgetting to renew the card. That was a minor inconvenience overall, but it extended the crappyness.

Last time, I cried when I got the bills and I paid them and just got mad. I noticed that the bills were high. I kept track this time.

As of March 22, the total cost of my D&C (excluding copays) was $4,468.79. That is not cheap. My insurance covered about 80% of that. My total cost was $966.87.

Again, I didn’t have to pay anything. How would my decision change if I had to pay that much out of pocket? I know I would have had to stop and think about it. We are not in a position where we couldn’t pay that amount, so I would have still had the surgery. I’m fully aware that not everyone can take the surgery route because of the cost. My heart goes out to anyone who has to deal with stress about money in addition to everything else.

Feeling Sad

This kind of came on suddenly. But I think it's par for the course. Last time I felt fine for a while and then got pretty upset about it all over again. I should know to expect these ups and downs.

And I know why I'm sad. The parade of March babies has begun. I'm so happy for my friends. I was bursting with excitement last night and this morning when I got the news and learned the name of a baby I'm going to love so much.

But still. It hurts. I'll be there again someday. Just not soon enough. This month is going to be rough for me. Two more babies to go. I'll be so happy. Then I'll cry some more. I'll get through it.

Checks and Balances

I apologize in advance for the strong language. I know a lot of you are kinder than me, but sometimes I can only really get my feelings out with a loud f-bomb.

I’m writing this while a friend of mine sits in waiting rooms. She’s in the process of post-miscarriage appointments. The worst appointments. The ones where people don’t really know what to say to you. You make pleasantries to the girl who takes your blood pressure, even though it doesn’t matter what your blood pressure is. Everything sucks anyway. You pay your copay and want to yell at the credit card slip to fuck itself. This shit should be free.

This isn’t even about me, but I’m taking it personally. My online group suffered a rash of repeat losses in January. I was one of them. I was pissed off. Right around the same time, one of the girls found out she was pregnant. She’s had multiple losses, struggles to get pregnant and is one of the few in the group who doesn’t have that rainbow baby we all dream about. And, yet, she’s probably the most supportive one we have in the group. Why is it always the best ones?

I thought to myself that all would be right with the world if only this one girl could have her baby. That would make things seem fair, in some crazy way. I’m not saying that I was ok with losing my baby or that I made a deal with God or anything. I didn’t do that. But I thought that in some way, all of these lost babies could be a way to shift the statistics in her favor.

Then she saw a heartbeat for the first time. And maybe, just maybe, the statistics were going to work out.

But they didn’t and the world fucked us all over one more time.

Of course the world doesn’t work that way. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Take some time in your heart and send some love to my friend. She’s a true gem in this world and doesn’t deserve this. None of us do.

Body Issues

I feel chatty today. Just a warning. I'm all over the place here.

Yesterday I went into a certain cheap clothing store to get some yoga pants. Not because I do yoga or anything, but because I like to wear sweatpants around the house. M thinks that sweatpants are gross and make me look like I’m letting myself go. We had a “rule” at our house that sweatpants could not be worn before 8 pm. That “rule” kind of faded with all of my exceptions (rain, dark, snow, pregnancy, post-pregnancy, periods, bad day, hungry, cold, etc). Now it is a joke because I come home from work and sometimes find him already in sweatpants. The yoga pants are a great compromise. My butt looks good and I’m comfy. We’re both happy!

While I was browsing, I saw that the jeans were only $19! Hooray! I spent a long time standing and deciding what shape and what size and what everything. It requires some real analysis of your own body right there in the front of the store. I thought critically about myself and my needs and then picked out two styles and headed back to try on. The fitting room lady told me that someone in the store could asses my jeans needs and tell me which type I need. I’m not cool with that. I picked my own, thanks.

This is where the post gets appropriate for a pregnancy blog.

I’m not really into diets or weight loss. I don’t usually obsess over my body shape. I’m pretty comfortable. But this weird no-woman’s land is getting me down. I don’t fit into any of my pants. I could do something about it, but I want to get pregnant soon (trying again this summer… we decided we didn’t want a winter baby). There’s no reason for me to bust my ass just to get fat all over again. I could buy new pants, but they would just be good for a few months before they (hopefully) wouldn’t fit right again. All of my work pants are too tight or too loose. I bought some jeans in January, but I was having a fat, grumpy day. You can imagine how well those fit when I’m trying to go out to a fancy bar in NYC with some friends! Ha!

SAGGY BUTT!!!

So I picked two pairs out of the four. One in each style. One that does not have saggy butt and one that does not produce muffin top. Nowhere in the world will I ever find $19 jeans that eliminate saggy butt and muffin top. The muffin top pants are not REALLY bad. And the saggy butt pants are also not REALLY bad. They will do for now. And they will each meet some needs.

I deserve it. I’m good enough for $19 jeans!

In other news: I’m doing very well. Having a real plan helps me move on. I’m also pretty good at Not Thinking About It. When my mind starts wandering down the …how far along would I be… road, I need to stop and take a breath. I can’t tell you right now how far along I would be. Now I really want to check, but I won’t let myself. That helps. Denial is awesome.

We’re going to try again in June or July. M wants June… I’m leaning towards July. We’ll see if I keep that resolve when June actually arrives. I have a pretty busy March followed by an insanely busy April and then a sort of busy May. Hopefully the time will fly. I’m thinking a lot about what happens next time and the thoughts aren’t all sunshine and unicorns. I mean, who seriously debates morning vs. afternoon appointments because of the availability of surgery the next day?

Now that I’ve brought everyone down… some cheery W stuff!

W still astonishes me every day. He’s been slow to talk, but now it seems like he has a new word every day. Ernie! Hug! Apple! He’s in a toddler bed now and makes me lay down with him each night for some cuddles. I’m a softie. I love it. I spent a weekend away and was terrified that M would have trouble getting him to sleep. But he did just fine without me, proving that I am the problem when it comes to too many cuddles. But really, how could I not cuddle that kid? Every second I have with him seems like a miracle. I’m amazed every day that he exists, that he is mine. I tell myself every night that I’m so lucky that I get to rock him to sleep. The poor kid, I’ll still be rocking him to sleep when he’s 10.

Follow up

I’m back from the follow up appointment. It was pretty typical. No pants, which always makes me uneasy. The doctor gave me the usual speech, but she was very nice about it. That made me cry because I cry when people are nice to me. Everything looks normal. We are to wait one cycle and then we’re free to try again.

She gave me the option of getting my uterus checked for polyps or anything out of the ordinary. She didn’t think it was necessary, though, because I have W. And I agree.

I’ll talk to M tonight about the appointment and maybe we’ll discuss what happens next.

I did email my friend about her pregnancy and her reply was great. I think she was happy that I reached out to her. I’m lucky to have friends like that.

How I'm feeling now

It’s been 2 weeks since we found out there is no baby. I am doing much better than I did last time. Physically, I’m back to normal. I bled for about a week. It was just like a regular period. I’m finished with the antibiotics (those were a pain – I had to take them 1 hour before eating or 2 hours after eating. I rarely go 3 hours without eating). My boobs have gone back to normal size. I’m taking the normal one-a-day vitamin. I need to start taking folic acid again (which I will always take as long as we don’t have any kind of “real” birth control going on). Maybe tomorrow.

Again, this is not as hard as last time. Having W is the difference. How can I be sad with that little boy running through the house shouting “GO! GO! GO!” I KNOW that I can have a baby. I really believe that I will have another one. Knowing that is a huge help. Last time I wasn’t so sure. I’m really just writing to remember. I’ve been re-reading my posts from the last time and it helps me so much to know that I got through that.

One thing is different. I am surrounded by pregnant people that are close to me. My neighbor. My cousin. My sister in law. My close friend. Another good friend. And that doesn’t count the baby born last week to friends on our street. Last time I had one pregnant friend and she knew everything and I never felt anything but happiness for her. I feel different to each one. I’m writing out all of those feelings here. It’s hard to explain why I feel so different towards every single pregnant person I know. I always think of the pregnant people who ask, “how do I act around my friend who just had a miscarriage?” There is no one size fits all. I’m all over the place and I’m one person!

I’m happy and nervous for my neighbor. She’s had a hard pregnancy and really doesn’t complain that much. They’ve been cautious about the pregnancy and I’ve heard them say “if” and “hopefully” a few times. They don’t have any history that would make them talk this way, but it kind of makes me feel like they appreciate this more. I haven’t spent a lot of time with them in the past two weeks. We were there for a few minutes on Sunday after the D&C and I had a hard time trying to cheer her up when she talked about some of the problems she is facing (early contractions and possible bedrest). In a weird way, I want to do everything I can for her. I want to help her and I want everything to be perfect.

Of course I’m over the moon excited about my cousin and my sister in law. I’m also devastated that I won’t be adding to the family in the same year. It’s going to be hard for me when these babies start arriving. My cousin (due in March) knows that we wanted to start trying, but doesn’t know what happened. I don’t really want to tell her. I’m going to see her in a few weeks to give her a few of our baby things (to borrow… who knows when I’ll need them back). My SIL asked me constantly and wanted us to be pregnant together. I ended up telling her the news the last time she asked. I didn’t want her to ask me all the time. She was kind of upset that I hadn’t told her about the pregnancy the day we found out and begged me to not make her wait until 12 weeks next time. I told her she will have to wait until we see a heartbeat no matter what.

The close friend due in march… she’s the one that has been rubbing me the wrong way. It’s not the first time that she’s said something out of place or made me feel bad. This time was a real doozy, though. “If it makes you feel any better the stupid iron supplement is making me constipated as anything. Did the doc say how long until you guys can start trying again?” I’ve limited my contact with her since receiving that email. I really don’t know what to say to that. We normally have lunch once a week – I bowed out last week and was very happy to find out she couldn’t make it this week. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to see her again. I’ve been planning a small sprinkle for her (this is her second baby), but I’ve lost my enthusiasm for it. I’m letting another friend take the lead on that.

I just found out about the other good friend. We had a guy friend over last weekend and he told us about it. I didn’t feel upset when I heard the news. I haven’t cried and thought “WHY NOT ME!” or anything. I’ll see her this weekend for the superbowl. I want to make sure she knows that I’m happy and that I want to hear about it. Now that I think about it, I should email her. I don’t think she knows that I know. I don’t want her to be afraid of telling me or feel like she can’t be happy around me. She does know about this loss, her husband was at the bachelor party that M was supposed to go to. He told all of his guy friends – I said there was no reason to keep it a secret, why make them wonder why he was missing something like that?

The last one, and one I feel pretty upset about, is the baby born last week. The parents are very nice people (too nice to be our friends) and they have a son that is 7 months older than W. That means they had a baby right about when our November baby should have been born. I remember them telling us they were pregnant with their older son and listening to the dad talk about how he couldn’t wait to hold the baby and smell that sweet newborn smell. This was a few weeks after that loss for us and it was a bit much for me to deal with (they didn’t know). We’ve become friends with them and our boys play together all the time and go to the same daycare. Having their new baby born a few days after this D&C has been rough. I’ve said the right things and sent them congratulations, but I can’t bring myself to go see the baby. Or listen to them ask when we’re going to have another. Again.

That’s what’s really bothering me this time around. I’ve been asked at least 5 times when we’re having another baby. Daycare, family that doesn’t know, neighbors, co-workers. It’s hard not to feel down on myself when these conversations come up. I want to shout at them all to shut up. Tell them that my body just can’t do it right. I kind of want to make them feel bad for asking. But I don’t. I tell them all “Someday” and change the subject.

I don’t really know the answer to that question anyway. M and I haven’t discussed it. We do need to talk about it because I need to have a plan in place. Maybe tomorrow.

My follow up appointment is tomorrow. I’ll get checked out. Maybe some more bloodwork. She’ll tell me to wait 2-3 cycles and then try again.

Managing the fear

I’m linking up to Finding my New Normal because of her questions:

How do you manage the fear during a pregnancy after loss? Is it even possible to manage fear? Are there any tools or strategies you used? Did they work? What advice would you share with those of us going through it right now?

I’m in a weird place to answer this question. My current plan for the next pregnancy is complete denial. That probably isn’t the most healthy way to deal with things.

First, some background in case you are here from the links. I lost my first pregnancy at 5 weeks, 3 days. It was a natural miscarriage. I think it was a chemical pregnancy. I lost my second at 14 weeks, 3 days. I had a D&C. It was a healthy baby boy, we found out later than I have a blood clotting disorder. I had a healthy, perfect son (W) a year later. I just had a blighted ovum last week. I was 7 weeks, 2 days. I had another D&C.

I can answer about what I did when I was pregnant with W. I was afraid. The nights where I cried myself to sleep far outnumbered the nights where I felt like everything would be ok.

The beginning of the pregnancy was the hardest part. I often felt like there was no hope at all. I told my doctor that I was scared. That was a big step for me. I don’t want to be the PITA patient. I want to be the one that no one remembers because I don’t create a hassle and things are just fine. But I spoke up and said that I needed to be reassured. I needed to come in more often. And you know what? She agreed. I went in every two weeks until I started feeling the baby move (just flutters, but that was good enough for me). Seeing the baby gave me some relief. It might have only lasted a few days, but it was better than waiting a month between appointments.

I did not get a Doppler. I discussed it with my husband and he didn’t want us to get one. He thought it would cause more stress if we couldn’t find the heartbeat on our own. I think he was right about that. It wasn’t the right choice for us.

Writing about my fears made it more manageable. I wasn’t just sitting around with worst-case scenarios running through my mind all the time. I wrote out what I was feeling and had others tell me they felt the same way. This blog and other internet friends made the real difference.

I started to feel more positive after the anatomy scan. One of the side effects of being in the ALI community is that you are hyper-aware of what can go wrong. Seeing a healthy baby on the screen and feeling him move during the scan was the turning point for me. I decided to stop thinking what might happen and think only about having our baby home with us. I still had a hard time saying “when” instead of “if,” but it’s easier to believe when a baby is keeping you awake all night with kicks!

My best advice is to get a support system. Find a blogger who is in your situation. Find a rainbow baby group on babycenter (stay away from the regular birth clubs!). Express what you feel. The internet is an amazing outlet!

And have some hope. That is hard for me to say right now, but it’s what I would have told myself a week ago. Keep hoping.

Friday

W was sent home sick from daycare on Thursday, so we spent the day snuggling and trying to feel better. It was actually kind of nice. I was sad that he was sick, but a day of holding him tight was just what I needed.

My MIL came over on Friday morning to stay home with W and we left for the hospital. I was sent back to my room as soon as we arrived, which was sort of nice. I got into my paper dress and they took blood and asked questions and started my IV. M came back when that was all done. Then we waited. After a while, I played with the personal heating system that plugged into my paper dress. I was happy to be warm. The surgery was supposed to start at 11:40, but the doctor had a delivery. I think she showed up around 12:30. I was hungry. We talked to her for a while and then they gave me the sedative and I started the ride to the OR. I vaguely remember getting strapped to the table and looking around. Then I woke up in the recovery room. M said the surgery took about 20 minutes. I didn’t wake up for about an hour, so he had to wait and be nervous in the waiting room. I just laid in the recovery area for a while listening to the people around me. M came back, I had some crackers and changed and they sent me home.

I haven’t had any problems. Just like last time, I feel physically fine. I ate a ton of food when we got home and just kind of laid around. I had a little bit of cramping, but one advil took care of that. I started bleeding yesterday and I’m happy. It seems that my body is realizing that I’m not pregnant and I can stop having sore boobs.

M was supposed to go to a bachelor party over the weekend, but he stayed home with us. I think that was pretty nice of him. He told me that he couldn’t imagine leaving us and I’m glad he didn’t. We talked about how we feel about this loss and how it is different from before. We cried together and talked some more.

Having W does make this easier. We have been so focused on him and trying to get him better that we sometimes forget about what happened to me.

Wednesday

I took W to daycare late. Everything seems better with him around, so we cuddled in the morning and played together for a while. I dropped him off around 10 and everyone was asking why he was late. At least no one asked when we’re going to have another (they ask me at least once a week). I just said that we wanted to spend some time together (that was true).

M picked me up and we went to the fancy ultrasound place. I couldn’t see the screen, but M could. The tech was nice. She knew what was going on and was kind and told me what she was going to do. She did an abdominal scan first then let me pee and did an internal*. When she was measuring the sack, I saw M step closer and lean in a little bit. I could see his face. It’s not like I had any hope that we’d be told everything was ok, but I watched him just in case. When he stepped away and leaned against the door again, I knew for sure. The scan probably took 20 minutes. I started to get bored. They should have something on the ceiling in there.

We had to wait for a while to talk to their doctor. The tv in the waiting room was showing the Match Game. We got pretty involved. It felt so surreal. We’re just hanging out waiting for a doctor to verify that we don’t have a baby and we’re arguing about fill in the blank questions and giggling about the 70s outfits. The doctor finally called us back and we had a brief conversation in the hallway. He knew this was out 3rd and actually said “at least you know you are fertile” and we told him that we have a son, so we can even have a baby. I couldn’t be mad about the comment. He was trying so hard.

So then we had 1.5 hours to spend before the next appointment. We went to lunch – Lamb kabobs! – and then to the library. The appointment at my doctors office was more than I expected. I had to pee in a cup again, I had to get weight and blood pressure again. When I got into the exam room, the nurse asked if I was going to need to get undressed. I said no. I can’t talk to doctors with no pants on. She came in (I had never met this doctor before) and we talked about my options. I could wait it out, get some meds to start cramping or a d&c. M and I had talked at lunch about what we wanted to do. We both agreed that a d&c was what we wanted. I just wanted it over with. I don’t want to spend a few days sitting in my house bleeding. I’ve already done that once before. It’s too much emotionally. It’s not for me. After we made the decision, I had to take my pants off for another quick exam. No ultrasound (I definitely didn’t want to see it again), but she had to look at stuff for her notes and for the surgery.

Then off to wait for more bloodwork (HCG, Progesterone and a typical blood type). While I was waiting for the blood, a lady came over to give me the appointment for the d&c. I was happy to have it so quickly. I hate waiting. I have to be at the hospital at 9:45 on Friday, surgery is at 11:40.

We went shopping after the appointment. Why not? I’ve been wearing threadbare jeans that I wasn’t going to replace because I was going to be in Maternity pants soon anyway. We went straight to kohl’s and I bought 2 new pairs of good jeans. Then we picked up W and went home.

After dinner, I sat down to call the moms. I think this part is worse than the appointments we had today. It was better than last time – at least I wasn’t breaking their hearts because they were dreaming about another grandbaby. They didn’t know anything, so this was completely out of the blue. M’s mom cried and asked lots of questions. My mom (a nurse) was more quiet and got off the phone in just a few minutes. My dad called a few minutes later (the call from him last time was the most emotional of them all). He was crying (now I’m crying) and told me that he knew we’d be ok. He said it just like this: “I know you guys will be ok … … … I hope.” And I just starting laughing. “Did you just say you HOPE we’ll be ok???? What a vote of confidence!!” And he started laughing and that was wonderful. I felt much better.

W has not wanted to leave my side since Tuesday afternoon. It’s like he knows. He just wants me to hold him or sit next to him. He won’t let go of me at daycare. He’s something special. I’m so thankful to have him.

I’ll update again after Friday. I like having a record of everything that happens.

*Side note – with this internal scan, she gave me the wand to stick in there. That was awkward. I’ve never had to do that before. Maybe it’s less awkward than the doctor sticking it up there? Maybe they are both equally awkward? Maybe I’m just awkward?