I’m linking up to Finding my New Normal because of her questions:
How do you manage the fear during a pregnancy after loss? Is it even possible to manage fear? Are there any tools or strategies you used? Did they work? What advice would you share with those of us going through it right now?
I’m in a weird place to answer this question. My current plan for the next pregnancy is complete denial. That probably isn’t the most healthy way to deal with things.
First, some background in case you are here from the links. I lost my first pregnancy at 5 weeks, 3 days. It was a natural miscarriage. I think it was a chemical pregnancy. I lost my second at 14 weeks, 3 days. I had a D&C. It was a healthy baby boy, we found out later than I have a blood clotting disorder. I had a healthy, perfect son (W) a year later. I just had a blighted ovum last week. I was 7 weeks, 2 days. I had another D&C.
I can answer about what I did when I was pregnant with W. I was afraid. The nights where I cried myself to sleep far outnumbered the nights where I felt like everything would be ok.
The beginning of the pregnancy was the hardest part. I often felt like there was no hope at all. I told my doctor that I was scared. That was a big step for me. I don’t want to be the PITA patient. I want to be the one that no one remembers because I don’t create a hassle and things are just fine. But I spoke up and said that I needed to be reassured. I needed to come in more often. And you know what? She agreed. I went in every two weeks until I started feeling the baby move (just flutters, but that was good enough for me). Seeing the baby gave me some relief. It might have only lasted a few days, but it was better than waiting a month between appointments.
I did not get a Doppler. I discussed it with my husband and he didn’t want us to get one. He thought it would cause more stress if we couldn’t find the heartbeat on our own. I think he was right about that. It wasn’t the right choice for us.
Writing about my fears made it more manageable. I wasn’t just sitting around with worst-case scenarios running through my mind all the time. I wrote out what I was feeling and had others tell me they felt the same way. This blog and other internet friends made the real difference.
I started to feel more positive after the anatomy scan. One of the side effects of being in the ALI community is that you are hyper-aware of what can go wrong. Seeing a healthy baby on the screen and feeling him move during the scan was the turning point for me. I decided to stop thinking what might happen and think only about having our baby home with us. I still had a hard time saying “when” instead of “if,” but it’s easier to believe when a baby is keeping you awake all night with kicks!
My best advice is to get a support system. Find a blogger who is in your situation. Find a rainbow baby group on babycenter (stay away from the regular birth clubs!). Express what you feel. The internet is an amazing outlet!
And have some hope. That is hard for me to say right now, but it’s what I would have told myself a week ago. Keep hoping.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Friday
W was sent home sick from daycare on Thursday, so we spent the day snuggling and trying to feel better. It was actually kind of nice. I was sad that he was sick, but a day of holding him tight was just what I needed.
My MIL came over on Friday morning to stay home with W and we left for the hospital. I was sent back to my room as soon as we arrived, which was sort of nice. I got into my paper dress and they took blood and asked questions and started my IV. M came back when that was all done. Then we waited. After a while, I played with the personal heating system that plugged into my paper dress. I was happy to be warm. The surgery was supposed to start at 11:40, but the doctor had a delivery. I think she showed up around 12:30. I was hungry. We talked to her for a while and then they gave me the sedative and I started the ride to the OR. I vaguely remember getting strapped to the table and looking around. Then I woke up in the recovery room. M said the surgery took about 20 minutes. I didn’t wake up for about an hour, so he had to wait and be nervous in the waiting room. I just laid in the recovery area for a while listening to the people around me. M came back, I had some crackers and changed and they sent me home.
I haven’t had any problems. Just like last time, I feel physically fine. I ate a ton of food when we got home and just kind of laid around. I had a little bit of cramping, but one advil took care of that. I started bleeding yesterday and I’m happy. It seems that my body is realizing that I’m not pregnant and I can stop having sore boobs.
M was supposed to go to a bachelor party over the weekend, but he stayed home with us. I think that was pretty nice of him. He told me that he couldn’t imagine leaving us and I’m glad he didn’t. We talked about how we feel about this loss and how it is different from before. We cried together and talked some more.
Having W does make this easier. We have been so focused on him and trying to get him better that we sometimes forget about what happened to me.
My MIL came over on Friday morning to stay home with W and we left for the hospital. I was sent back to my room as soon as we arrived, which was sort of nice. I got into my paper dress and they took blood and asked questions and started my IV. M came back when that was all done. Then we waited. After a while, I played with the personal heating system that plugged into my paper dress. I was happy to be warm. The surgery was supposed to start at 11:40, but the doctor had a delivery. I think she showed up around 12:30. I was hungry. We talked to her for a while and then they gave me the sedative and I started the ride to the OR. I vaguely remember getting strapped to the table and looking around. Then I woke up in the recovery room. M said the surgery took about 20 minutes. I didn’t wake up for about an hour, so he had to wait and be nervous in the waiting room. I just laid in the recovery area for a while listening to the people around me. M came back, I had some crackers and changed and they sent me home.
I haven’t had any problems. Just like last time, I feel physically fine. I ate a ton of food when we got home and just kind of laid around. I had a little bit of cramping, but one advil took care of that. I started bleeding yesterday and I’m happy. It seems that my body is realizing that I’m not pregnant and I can stop having sore boobs.
M was supposed to go to a bachelor party over the weekend, but he stayed home with us. I think that was pretty nice of him. He told me that he couldn’t imagine leaving us and I’m glad he didn’t. We talked about how we feel about this loss and how it is different from before. We cried together and talked some more.
Having W does make this easier. We have been so focused on him and trying to get him better that we sometimes forget about what happened to me.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Wednesday
I took W to daycare late. Everything seems better with him around, so we cuddled in the morning and played together for a while. I dropped him off around 10 and everyone was asking why he was late. At least no one asked when we’re going to have another (they ask me at least once a week). I just said that we wanted to spend some time together (that was true).
M picked me up and we went to the fancy ultrasound place. I couldn’t see the screen, but M could. The tech was nice. She knew what was going on and was kind and told me what she was going to do. She did an abdominal scan first then let me pee and did an internal*. When she was measuring the sack, I saw M step closer and lean in a little bit. I could see his face. It’s not like I had any hope that we’d be told everything was ok, but I watched him just in case. When he stepped away and leaned against the door again, I knew for sure. The scan probably took 20 minutes. I started to get bored. They should have something on the ceiling in there.
We had to wait for a while to talk to their doctor. The tv in the waiting room was showing the Match Game. We got pretty involved. It felt so surreal. We’re just hanging out waiting for a doctor to verify that we don’t have a baby and we’re arguing about fill in the blank questions and giggling about the 70s outfits. The doctor finally called us back and we had a brief conversation in the hallway. He knew this was out 3rd and actually said “at least you know you are fertile” and we told him that we have a son, so we can even have a baby. I couldn’t be mad about the comment. He was trying so hard.
So then we had 1.5 hours to spend before the next appointment. We went to lunch – Lamb kabobs! – and then to the library. The appointment at my doctors office was more than I expected. I had to pee in a cup again, I had to get weight and blood pressure again. When I got into the exam room, the nurse asked if I was going to need to get undressed. I said no. I can’t talk to doctors with no pants on. She came in (I had never met this doctor before) and we talked about my options. I could wait it out, get some meds to start cramping or a d&c. M and I had talked at lunch about what we wanted to do. We both agreed that a d&c was what we wanted. I just wanted it over with. I don’t want to spend a few days sitting in my house bleeding. I’ve already done that once before. It’s too much emotionally. It’s not for me. After we made the decision, I had to take my pants off for another quick exam. No ultrasound (I definitely didn’t want to see it again), but she had to look at stuff for her notes and for the surgery.
Then off to wait for more bloodwork (HCG, Progesterone and a typical blood type). While I was waiting for the blood, a lady came over to give me the appointment for the d&c. I was happy to have it so quickly. I hate waiting. I have to be at the hospital at 9:45 on Friday, surgery is at 11:40.
We went shopping after the appointment. Why not? I’ve been wearing threadbare jeans that I wasn’t going to replace because I was going to be in Maternity pants soon anyway. We went straight to kohl’s and I bought 2 new pairs of good jeans. Then we picked up W and went home.
After dinner, I sat down to call the moms. I think this part is worse than the appointments we had today. It was better than last time – at least I wasn’t breaking their hearts because they were dreaming about another grandbaby. They didn’t know anything, so this was completely out of the blue. M’s mom cried and asked lots of questions. My mom (a nurse) was more quiet and got off the phone in just a few minutes. My dad called a few minutes later (the call from him last time was the most emotional of them all). He was crying (now I’m crying) and told me that he knew we’d be ok. He said it just like this: “I know you guys will be ok … … … I hope.” And I just starting laughing. “Did you just say you HOPE we’ll be ok???? What a vote of confidence!!” And he started laughing and that was wonderful. I felt much better.
W has not wanted to leave my side since Tuesday afternoon. It’s like he knows. He just wants me to hold him or sit next to him. He won’t let go of me at daycare. He’s something special. I’m so thankful to have him.
I’ll update again after Friday. I like having a record of everything that happens.
*Side note – with this internal scan, she gave me the wand to stick in there. That was awkward. I’ve never had to do that before. Maybe it’s less awkward than the doctor sticking it up there? Maybe they are both equally awkward? Maybe I’m just awkward?
M picked me up and we went to the fancy ultrasound place. I couldn’t see the screen, but M could. The tech was nice. She knew what was going on and was kind and told me what she was going to do. She did an abdominal scan first then let me pee and did an internal*. When she was measuring the sack, I saw M step closer and lean in a little bit. I could see his face. It’s not like I had any hope that we’d be told everything was ok, but I watched him just in case. When he stepped away and leaned against the door again, I knew for sure. The scan probably took 20 minutes. I started to get bored. They should have something on the ceiling in there.
We had to wait for a while to talk to their doctor. The tv in the waiting room was showing the Match Game. We got pretty involved. It felt so surreal. We’re just hanging out waiting for a doctor to verify that we don’t have a baby and we’re arguing about fill in the blank questions and giggling about the 70s outfits. The doctor finally called us back and we had a brief conversation in the hallway. He knew this was out 3rd and actually said “at least you know you are fertile” and we told him that we have a son, so we can even have a baby. I couldn’t be mad about the comment. He was trying so hard.
So then we had 1.5 hours to spend before the next appointment. We went to lunch – Lamb kabobs! – and then to the library. The appointment at my doctors office was more than I expected. I had to pee in a cup again, I had to get weight and blood pressure again. When I got into the exam room, the nurse asked if I was going to need to get undressed. I said no. I can’t talk to doctors with no pants on. She came in (I had never met this doctor before) and we talked about my options. I could wait it out, get some meds to start cramping or a d&c. M and I had talked at lunch about what we wanted to do. We both agreed that a d&c was what we wanted. I just wanted it over with. I don’t want to spend a few days sitting in my house bleeding. I’ve already done that once before. It’s too much emotionally. It’s not for me. After we made the decision, I had to take my pants off for another quick exam. No ultrasound (I definitely didn’t want to see it again), but she had to look at stuff for her notes and for the surgery.
Then off to wait for more bloodwork (HCG, Progesterone and a typical blood type). While I was waiting for the blood, a lady came over to give me the appointment for the d&c. I was happy to have it so quickly. I hate waiting. I have to be at the hospital at 9:45 on Friday, surgery is at 11:40.
We went shopping after the appointment. Why not? I’ve been wearing threadbare jeans that I wasn’t going to replace because I was going to be in Maternity pants soon anyway. We went straight to kohl’s and I bought 2 new pairs of good jeans. Then we picked up W and went home.
After dinner, I sat down to call the moms. I think this part is worse than the appointments we had today. It was better than last time – at least I wasn’t breaking their hearts because they were dreaming about another grandbaby. They didn’t know anything, so this was completely out of the blue. M’s mom cried and asked lots of questions. My mom (a nurse) was more quiet and got off the phone in just a few minutes. My dad called a few minutes later (the call from him last time was the most emotional of them all). He was crying (now I’m crying) and told me that he knew we’d be ok. He said it just like this: “I know you guys will be ok … … … I hope.” And I just starting laughing. “Did you just say you HOPE we’ll be ok???? What a vote of confidence!!” And he started laughing and that was wonderful. I felt much better.
W has not wanted to leave my side since Tuesday afternoon. It’s like he knows. He just wants me to hold him or sit next to him. He won’t let go of me at daycare. He’s something special. I’m so thankful to have him.
I’ll update again after Friday. I like having a record of everything that happens.
*Side note – with this internal scan, she gave me the wand to stick in there. That was awkward. I’ve never had to do that before. Maybe it’s less awkward than the doctor sticking it up there? Maybe they are both equally awkward? Maybe I’m just awkward?
Tuesday
The appointment was at 4, so I had the entire day to wait. I felt pretty nervous and tried to talk myself out of it. After all, I had my symptoms and everything seemed great. I did look up blighted ovum at one point, thinking that if I could just see the statistics, I would feel better. I was sweaty and had a stomachache by the time I was in the doctor’s office. M was with me, so we just kind of sat there and didn’t talk about anything.
The doctor came in and did the normal check up stuff and talked to me a little before starting the ultrasound. She started looking around and I could see the sack. She got closer and scanned through the sack once without seeing anything. I still had hope at this point. I grabbed M’s hand as she went through a second time, much slower. Still nothing. She measured the sack, but couldn’t get the machine to give the dating measurement. She said it looked small. After a little more looking, she turned it off and we talked about it. She asked if my dates could be off. I told her that I had a positive test on the 21st. That is way too early to not see anything by now. She agreed. She left so I could get dressed. When she came back, I had an appointment at a nearby ultrasound place for Wednesday and a follow up with a different doctor afterwards.
We were upset. M was stoic. He waited with me while I had some blood drawn. We sat next to another couple who were smiling and giggling to each other. I went home and M went to pick up W. Then we didn’t do anything for the rest of the evening. I emailed my bosses to tell them what happened and a girl in my office so she could pick up some work that I needed done on Wednesday.
I had lots of support. Two friends who knew and my internet group. It was like I had 20 people on standby waiting for my news.
This isn’t as bad as last time. It was early. We never got our hopes up. We have W. But I’m still angry and constantly yelling FUCK in my mind.
The doctor came in and did the normal check up stuff and talked to me a little before starting the ultrasound. She started looking around and I could see the sack. She got closer and scanned through the sack once without seeing anything. I still had hope at this point. I grabbed M’s hand as she went through a second time, much slower. Still nothing. She measured the sack, but couldn’t get the machine to give the dating measurement. She said it looked small. After a little more looking, she turned it off and we talked about it. She asked if my dates could be off. I told her that I had a positive test on the 21st. That is way too early to not see anything by now. She agreed. She left so I could get dressed. When she came back, I had an appointment at a nearby ultrasound place for Wednesday and a follow up with a different doctor afterwards.
We were upset. M was stoic. He waited with me while I had some blood drawn. We sat next to another couple who were smiling and giggling to each other. I went home and M went to pick up W. Then we didn’t do anything for the rest of the evening. I emailed my bosses to tell them what happened and a girl in my office so she could pick up some work that I needed done on Wednesday.
I had lots of support. Two friends who knew and my internet group. It was like I had 20 people on standby waiting for my news.
This isn’t as bad as last time. It was early. We never got our hopes up. We have W. But I’m still angry and constantly yelling FUCK in my mind.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Empty sack.
Not much else to say really. I have another ultrasound with a high-tech machine tomorrow at 11. Then a follow up at my doctor's office at 1:30.
So I'm pissed off.
And, unfortunately, stuck with my pollyanna attitude that keeps nagging me: At least it happened now and not a month from now! Isn't it better this way?
So I'm pissed off.
And, unfortunately, stuck with my pollyanna attitude that keeps nagging me: At least it happened now and not a month from now! Isn't it better this way?
Friday, January 13, 2012
Coming out
I came out last night to my MOPS group. Not that I’m pregnant, but about being a baby loss mom. It was freeing and, of course, amazing to hear their stories as well. We were a table of 9 women: 3 had experienced miscarriages, 2 had suffered infertility and 1 had a stillborn baby girl. That is 6 out of 9, much higher that I would have thought.
The topic of the night was depression (and counseling) and I wasn’t too eager to go. I was very upset after my miscarriages, but I never considered myself depressed. I was grieving and crying a lot, but never lost hope or felt like life wasn’t worth living. Depression isn’t really on my radar. But I listened to the speaker because I wanted to know what she had been through and I want to be able to be a good listener in case someone I know needs help.
After the speaker, we went back to our groups and discussed. It started off generic and then went deeper when one girl at our table started talking about her daughter, stillborn at 39 weeks. I knew a little background about her, she has 2 living children and one angel (as she is listed in the newsletter). I had been wanting to ask her about it, but we’re not close and I didn’t want to be too intrusive.* She talked about how she struggled with depression even before she lost her daughter and how counseling had helped her. Another girl talked about deaths in her family and the parish counseling she received. Another talked about feeling lost in college and going to a support group. So I brought up the internet. I said that I went through two miscarriages and found support and hope with girls online. It was the only place that I could find others who knew what I felt and didn’t wish I would just stop talking about it already. I saw others nodding and I went on and ended up explaining the ALI world online. That brought out stories from 2 other girls about their losses. As the conversations led to smaller groups talking, the girl next to me told me about her struggle to get pregnant. Then the girl on the other side told me about her infertility while holding her 5 month old daughter – from a donor embryo. It brought our little group to the next level. In a weird way, it made me happier to be there.
I was asked several times when we are planning to have another. It’s hard for me to lie outright, so I just said, “Sometime soon, I hope!” which is the exact honest truth.
As for my normal life: 6 weeks, 5 days pregnant. I’m starting to get tired and my boobs are huge. All great signs. I’m counting down the hours until Tuesday at 4 pm. In the meantime, I’m trying not to think of adorable ideas of how to tell our families and not committing to upcoming bachelorette parties.
*Tangent: I have the impression that parents want to talk about their babies that aren’t here. I mean, I’ll talk to you about my babies if you ask. I know bringing it up won’t remind her of her daughter – everything brings those memories back. So I had been thinking of ways to ask her. But I hadn’t been given the opportunity to talk to her one on one and I’m not brave enough to create that situation.
The topic of the night was depression (and counseling) and I wasn’t too eager to go. I was very upset after my miscarriages, but I never considered myself depressed. I was grieving and crying a lot, but never lost hope or felt like life wasn’t worth living. Depression isn’t really on my radar. But I listened to the speaker because I wanted to know what she had been through and I want to be able to be a good listener in case someone I know needs help.
After the speaker, we went back to our groups and discussed. It started off generic and then went deeper when one girl at our table started talking about her daughter, stillborn at 39 weeks. I knew a little background about her, she has 2 living children and one angel (as she is listed in the newsletter). I had been wanting to ask her about it, but we’re not close and I didn’t want to be too intrusive.* She talked about how she struggled with depression even before she lost her daughter and how counseling had helped her. Another girl talked about deaths in her family and the parish counseling she received. Another talked about feeling lost in college and going to a support group. So I brought up the internet. I said that I went through two miscarriages and found support and hope with girls online. It was the only place that I could find others who knew what I felt and didn’t wish I would just stop talking about it already. I saw others nodding and I went on and ended up explaining the ALI world online. That brought out stories from 2 other girls about their losses. As the conversations led to smaller groups talking, the girl next to me told me about her struggle to get pregnant. Then the girl on the other side told me about her infertility while holding her 5 month old daughter – from a donor embryo. It brought our little group to the next level. In a weird way, it made me happier to be there.
I was asked several times when we are planning to have another. It’s hard for me to lie outright, so I just said, “Sometime soon, I hope!” which is the exact honest truth.
As for my normal life: 6 weeks, 5 days pregnant. I’m starting to get tired and my boobs are huge. All great signs. I’m counting down the hours until Tuesday at 4 pm. In the meantime, I’m trying not to think of adorable ideas of how to tell our families and not committing to upcoming bachelorette parties.
*Tangent: I have the impression that parents want to talk about their babies that aren’t here. I mean, I’ll talk to you about my babies if you ask. I know bringing it up won’t remind her of her daughter – everything brings those memories back. So I had been thinking of ways to ask her. But I hadn’t been given the opportunity to talk to her one on one and I’m not brave enough to create that situation.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
First milestone!
We passed the first milestone. This is officially more successful than my least successful pregnancy.
Today I am 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I don't feel pregnant, but I don't feel not pregnant. That's the thing about this time around - I'm not really focused on being pregnant. I actually forget all the time. I remember twice a day - breakfast (when I take my vitamins and baby aspirin) and dinner (when I don't drink wine).
We don't talk about this pregnancy at home. I know M is worried, but neither one of us wants to get the other worked up. He does mention to me every once in a while something small, like, "Did you take your medicine today?" and "Make your drink now so you can fake it."
We were out shopping over the weekend and I saw the most adorable big brother t-shirt that was on sale. I asked M if we should get it just in case and he said no. We could come back and get it when we need it. I wouldn't have bought it anyway, not now. We'll tell our parents after we see a heartbeat and that appointment isn't for another 2 weeks (Jan 17, 4 pm). I agreed that I'd rather not have to put the shirt in a drawer to find some other day. We have enough stuff like that in drawers around the house already.
W news: He stopped sucking his thumb over the holidays and that means his naps went to crap. I told M that in a few years we'll forget how rough this no-nap time was with him and we'll tell other people how we're fantastic parents and we got our toddler to stop thumb sucking at 19 months old.
Today I am 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I don't feel pregnant, but I don't feel not pregnant. That's the thing about this time around - I'm not really focused on being pregnant. I actually forget all the time. I remember twice a day - breakfast (when I take my vitamins and baby aspirin) and dinner (when I don't drink wine).
We don't talk about this pregnancy at home. I know M is worried, but neither one of us wants to get the other worked up. He does mention to me every once in a while something small, like, "Did you take your medicine today?" and "Make your drink now so you can fake it."
We were out shopping over the weekend and I saw the most adorable big brother t-shirt that was on sale. I asked M if we should get it just in case and he said no. We could come back and get it when we need it. I wouldn't have bought it anyway, not now. We'll tell our parents after we see a heartbeat and that appointment isn't for another 2 weeks (Jan 17, 4 pm). I agreed that I'd rather not have to put the shirt in a drawer to find some other day. We have enough stuff like that in drawers around the house already.
W news: He stopped sucking his thumb over the holidays and that means his naps went to crap. I told M that in a few years we'll forget how rough this no-nap time was with him and we'll tell other people how we're fantastic parents and we got our toddler to stop thumb sucking at 19 months old.
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