Coming out

I came out last night to my MOPS group. Not that I’m pregnant, but about being a baby loss mom. It was freeing and, of course, amazing to hear their stories as well. We were a table of 9 women: 3 had experienced miscarriages, 2 had suffered infertility and 1 had a stillborn baby girl. That is 6 out of 9, much higher that I would have thought.

The topic of the night was depression (and counseling) and I wasn’t too eager to go. I was very upset after my miscarriages, but I never considered myself depressed. I was grieving and crying a lot, but never lost hope or felt like life wasn’t worth living. Depression isn’t really on my radar. But I listened to the speaker because I wanted to know what she had been through and I want to be able to be a good listener in case someone I know needs help.

After the speaker, we went back to our groups and discussed. It started off generic and then went deeper when one girl at our table started talking about her daughter, stillborn at 39 weeks. I knew a little background about her, she has 2 living children and one angel (as she is listed in the newsletter). I had been wanting to ask her about it, but we’re not close and I didn’t want to be too intrusive.* She talked about how she struggled with depression even before she lost her daughter and how counseling had helped her. Another girl talked about deaths in her family and the parish counseling she received. Another talked about feeling lost in college and going to a support group. So I brought up the internet. I said that I went through two miscarriages and found support and hope with girls online. It was the only place that I could find others who knew what I felt and didn’t wish I would just stop talking about it already. I saw others nodding and I went on and ended up explaining the ALI world online. That brought out stories from 2 other girls about their losses. As the conversations led to smaller groups talking, the girl next to me told me about her struggle to get pregnant. Then the girl on the other side told me about her infertility while holding her 5 month old daughter – from a donor embryo. It brought our little group to the next level. In a weird way, it made me happier to be there.

I was asked several times when we are planning to have another. It’s hard for me to lie outright, so I just said, “Sometime soon, I hope!” which is the exact honest truth.

As for my normal life: 6 weeks, 5 days pregnant. I’m starting to get tired and my boobs are huge. All great signs. I’m counting down the hours until Tuesday at 4 pm. In the meantime, I’m trying not to think of adorable ideas of how to tell our families and not committing to upcoming bachelorette parties.

*Tangent: I have the impression that parents want to talk about their babies that aren’t here. I mean, I’ll talk to you about my babies if you ask. I know bringing it up won’t remind her of her daughter – everything brings those memories back. So I had been thinking of ways to ask her. But I hadn’t been given the opportunity to talk to her one on one and I’m not brave enough to create that situation.