A new resource

The biggest help for me right after I lost my baby was reading the stories of others who understood how hard it was. Knowing that I wasn't alone and reading about the pain gave me more support than I could ever express here.

The blogs gave me friendship and hope. I don't update much anymore, but I leave my story out here so others might get the same support from me.

A new directory is up with baby loss blogs. I loved the Faces of Loss page, but that seems to have slowed down. The blogs were always a better way to get to know people and get the long story (and hopefully the happy ending).

The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory.

Due Date - Year 2

So right about now I should be celebrating a first birthday. I should have a funny little boy just starting to run around and I should be exhausted. But I don’t. Don’t feel bad for me, though. I miss that little boy so much and I still cry for him. But this year is so much better than last year. I kind of feel guilty talking about sadness now. I say that a lot here. I’m sad. I’m happy. I want both babies. It’s so conflicting, so I’ll just leave it there. I’ll be thinking about my little Baby November tomorrow, just like I always do.

I just went and read my post from last year. I kind of feel exactly the same. So sad, but so happy.

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Thank you for all the supportive comments about W’s surgery. He’s doing so much better. He’s healing. He might be teething. I went to a MOPS meeting last night and M texted me “W is officially teething.” I rushed home hoping to see something. Nope. Apparently W was just “acting like Satan.” M said his gums felt warm. I stuck my finger in his mouth this morning and couldn’t feel anything. I wish I could take a look, but W won’t open his mouth ever.

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It seems like miscarriages are everywhere right now. Maybe I’m just more sensitive to it. Celebrities are talking about them. A friend just lost her baby at 15 weeks. I’m devastated for her and her family. It takes me right back to that terrible summer and I want to scream thinking that people are just beginning that journey that seems to get worse every day.

There’s that word. Devastating. Every time you see a miscarriage in the news, it is proceeded by devastating. So-and-so suffered a devastating miscarriage prior to this pregnancy. I thought at first that this was kind of redundant. All miscarriages are devastating. To put that word there makes the miscarriage alone sound like it might be ok. It’s not. But then, maybe it is right to have it. To hammer in to the everyone else how bad it really is. Maybe the word miscarriage should be changed to devastatingmiscarriage. Yes, I think that sounds about right. Instead of saying, “I had a miscarriage last year,” I will say, “ I had a devastatingmiscarriage last year.”

We will prevail

Today is another remembering day for me (and lots of others). April 16, 2007 is high on the list of the saddest days in my life. I’m thinking of all those families missing their children or their parents. I remember feeling so shaken, that something like this could happen at a place that I hold so close to my heart. The Virginia Tech campus has always been a safe place for me, like home, where you just feel free to breathe. Could one person take that away from all of us? I don’t think he did. We’ve been to Blacksburg twice since the shootings. The first time was hard – we walked through the memorial and wondered how engineering students spent their days now that Norris Hall doesn’t have classes anymore. I have so many memories (not all good) of that building – classes and tests and stress and friends. I got asked out on a date in there. You know how when you read a book and you picture the setting, and that setting is usually a place you are familiar with? When I read a book that has a classroom scene, it is always a classroom in Norris Hall. You can’t even look at that building, in the center of campus, without remembering.


I guess you never really lose the fear that something will happen to your child. I was afraid last night when the baby wouldn’t wake up for M when he finally had a minute to relax. I was fairly sure all was well – I’d just felt hiccups 10 minutes before. I’ll always be nervous when this baby is out of my sight. I’ll have to trust that s/he will grow up with a strong sense of right and wrong, but what about other people? I can’t always be there…

So all you Hokies out there … Let’s Go! Hokies!

Who ever thought that a football cheer would stir up so many emotions?

Steak, furniture and classes

Hi! Did everyone have a good weekend? Things were insane in my house!

First Item!

I DO NOT HAVE DIABETES!!!! WOOOHHHOOOOO!!! Bring on the cookies. But make them cookies with a side of steak because I’m anemic. I have to take iron pills now. I blame that on M for not giving me cheeseburgers every night. My mom wants to know how anemic I am, so I need to call the office and get the actual numbers. I hope these iron pills don’t stop me up too bad. I got the slow release ones. Now I take 5 different pills a day (which, um, is nothing compared to what some of you do).

Next Item!

We spent all day Saturday emptying out the office and making it into a nursery. Poor M made at least 40 trips from our top floor to the basement carrying tons of stuff – mostly books! We got all of the stuff out of the room before noon (which is pretty darn good!). Then the in-laws came over to help with the furniture. We had some trouble getting desks to the basement, but it all worked out in the end.

M and his dad headed out to BRU to pick up the crib and dresser. They were gone forever. They called me once to complain that nothing fit in the Blazer. I told them to go to Home Depot and get some rope and make it work. They did. Then MIL and I watched them carry the fully assembled dresser up the stairs (we thought it would come in pieces… we probably would have picked different stuff if we knew it was fully assembled). The crib box was all busted up. I would have opened it at the store to make sure it was all ok. M did not do this (although he talked to the guy at the store and they assured him that they had opened the box and inspected everything). The crib headboard was split in half. Yippee! So we have a broken crib in our foyer until they deliver the new one. M called on Sunday and talked to a manager until they agreed to send someone to exchange the crib. He’s good at that kind of stuff. I was almost ready to cry when MIL pulled one of my Pollyanna tricks on me – she said “well, at least it’s not the dresser! I don’t think the guys could get that thing back down the stairs!” She was right. At least it was the much lighter crib that was carried up in pieces. At least the furniture will be here within a week or two. A broken crib 10 weeks before the baby is even due is not a big deal.

So now we have a baby room with a dresser and our office is all set up in the basement. It looks good down there. I wasn’t optimistic and I thought we’d be crowded down there. Now I kind of wish we’d always had the office in the basement.

Next Item!

We took the in-laws to dinner after all their hard work. I spent the dinner with a foot in my rib, so I kind of had to sit sideways to elongate myself. Everyone told me I looked like a fat trucker eating at a diner. I tried to sit better, but then I couldn’t reach the table. I am sitting the same way right now (but leaning to the right instead of the left). The kid will move when I push it down, but then reaches back up in there. Oh boy!

Next Item!

We went to an infant care class on Sunday. We learned how to bathe a baby and how to change diapers and swaddle. She showed us pictures of newborns and all the little things that might scare someone who has never seen a newborn up close. She spent A LOT of time telling us to trust our instincts, to advocate for ourselves and the baby and to not be afraid to ask for help. All the things that girls like me need to hear. I thought that was the best part of the class. The worst part was that our baby doll was ugly. And the clothes we had for him were pink and frilly. We felt bad that we didn’t bond with our ugly baby and then gave him a complex with girl clothes.

Next Item!

Alyssa wrote a few days ago about being on the other side of the fence.

That was a huge thing for me this weekend and last weekend. Normally, I do try to conceal this belly some. I’m usually wearing my huge purple MIL coat that just makes me look like a chubby lady who isn’t used to walking with her fat. I don't want anyone to look at me and feel the sadness that I used to feel.

Right, so we were in Babies R Us registering last weekend and I was sitting at the table getting everything set up. I had my coat on even though I was kind of warm. I didn’t want to bother anyone around me with my belly. Then I realized something. I was in the middle of preggo-land. Although people around me might have suffered from a loss or infertility, they were here because they were preparing for a baby and their dreams were coming true. I didn’t have to hide here!

I had the same feeling this weekend. We walked into the hospital and I kind of guarded my belly. Then I realized I was in a class for infant care. Everyone there was the same size as me. I could rub my belly all I wanted and I could shift uncomfortably when I had that foot in my rib.

It’s a great place to be.

Sock it to me!!!

I love this. I love socks! I love Kym!

My socks came from somewhere in the midwest from someone whose name I can't remember! I'm such a jerk! I got rid of the shipping information before I could write down my person! If you are the awesome blogger who sent me these fantastic socks, leave a comment so I can fully acknowledge you. Thank you!

Updated: Kym let me know that my socks came from Beautiful Mess at Life induces thoughts, mostly random. I'll be catching up on her all day today. Thanks!!!

Let's start by checking out my fantastic pedicure from my girl's weekend:





You know, it's kind of a shame to hide feet like that with socks. But I love socks.

Now, I got two pairs of socks. They are perfect. I do not wear plain socks, even when I am trying to be professional. These can go into my daily rotation.

So, which do I like better? The green fancy ones?

Or the yellow duckies?

Or how about both!

So, how has the blogging community supported me over the past year? Can I even put that into words? I had the darkest time of my life this past summer... if I didn't have this place, I'm not sure I would be in one of the brightest times right now. I was able to see that my feelings were normal, I wasn't alone and others had survived the sadness of losing a pregnancy and gone on to have babies. My friends here held me up and carried me through the scary first weeks with this pregnancy. Now I'm trying to send those positive vibes to others who are just starting to get out of the dark days.

Everything is still going wonderful over here. I've officially been kicked during my dreams. We are picking up the nursery furniture on Saturday. I've been invited to my baby shower! Wow.

Thank you notes

This is one of my favorite websites: Alphamom

The writers (I’m not even sure if there are more than one!) are awesome and seem like normal people. The pregnancy calendar is frickin fantastic and the advice column is one of the few where I don’t get angry at the columnist for being an idiot (good advice: Carolyn Hax, bad advice: Friend or Foe*).

Right, so back on topic. Today’s Advice Smackdown is from a woman who had a stillborn son. She was wondering about writing the thank you notes for all the wonderful things people had done for her. I was there (although not exactly in her shoes)and I remember the awfulness of those cards. Actually making the cards was wonderful and therapeutic (I’m crafty and I make my own cards. You wouldn’t ever guess that because I’m an engineer). Writing the actual thank you notes was terrible. I cried through every single one. I broke down in the middle and told M that I wasn’t supposed to be writing these cards. I was supposed to be taking care of a baby soon. I got them out before I even went back to work because I just needed to get that chore out of the way.

Amy’s advice today was perfect. I saw that a few people from our side of the web have chimed in on the comments. I’m going to keep this in the back of my mind – you know the things you remember *just in case* this happens to someone else. I never thought to offer to write someone else’s thank you notes. But now I will. I’ll bring over dinner and leave with a list of notes to write. And to never, ever expect one in return.

*So I think Friend or Foe sucks. It's not bad today, but if you are bored, go back to the early days and see what you can find. I read it because I love train wrecks.

A new favorite player

I love ESPN and their football shows. I love the tear-jerking profile stories. It's kind of a joke between M and I. I'll stop whatever I'm doing to watch the profile stories and then I'll cry. Every single time. He won't admit it, but M has teared up during a few of them, too.

So today I was getting some dinner ready for the crock pot when the profile story came on. It was about Demarcus Ware. As soon as they started talking about his wife's pregnancy, I knew what was coming.

I don't have the video for the ESPN profile, but I'll look for it and post it later on.

Here is the story from the NY Times in 2008.

Demarcus Ware and his wife Taniqua lost three pregnancies before adopting their little girl, Marley.

My heart aches for them, but I'm so happy they've found happiness.

I have a new favorite NFL player (even if he does play for the Cowboys). And thank you, ESPN, for bringing the subject out to more people.