Welcome ICLW!

Hi! Nice to meet you!

Here’s a little background on me – I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant. I had two miscarriages in 2009. The first was in January at 5 weeks and the second was a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks in May. I was diagnosed with heterozygous MTHFR and I have to believe that one baby aspirin a day is keeping this kid growing.

My current struggles are keeping the hope alive that this baby will be ok (and I’m doing well with this right now), keeping my stress level low at work and dealing with some people around me that make me crazy.

I’m in a good place right now that sometimes makes me feel even sadder – I cry more about my baby boy than I did earlier in my pregnancy, but less than I did before it. I think about how I missed out on so much with him, but then realize that I wouldn’t have this baby without him. It’s a weird place to be.

This is my A-Z that I did a long time ago.

My normal rambling for today:

I discussed reaching viability with M last night. He asked me what it meant and then said that we shouldn’t think about that right now. He’s right. I told him the signs of pre-term labor and how I don’t think I have any of them and then he talked about a ping-pong tournament at work.

He’s talking about making a career change. He’s so unhappy at work and I wish I could do something to help. He had one interview, but then his contact changed jobs so that kind of fell through the cracks. We talked about him getting his MBA and what that would take. It will be a lot of work and time… but M is a born leader. He’s a classic oldest child! An MBA is the way to go for him. I know it will be hard to start this fall with our life at home changing so much. We’ll have to make some sacrifices… it will probably mean staying in our house longer than we had planned, it will mean having to eat dinners that I cook, it will mean he’ll be away a few nights a week and need study time. But it feels right. I’m proud of him.

Today I’m going to a meeting and I tried to put on clothes that would kind of hide this belly. It’s not possible. My belly sticks out past my boobs now (barely). This project will be due in the summertime and I’m not trying to advertise that fact that I (probably) won’t be the one finishing it. I just don’t want to deal with the questions. I’ve never worked with any of these people before, so I don’t know if any of them will ask. They probably won’t even notice. I keep forgetting that I work with only men.

The First Post

I suppose I could start off with the story of me and what defines me and why I’m writing, but really I just need to get some things out first. Maybe I’ll continue writing and maybe this need to spill my guts won’t last more than a week.

Things that I will never get to do again:
1. See a pregnancy test and be filled with joy and certainty that I’ll have a baby in 9-ish months.
2. Tell people about a pregnancy and have them automatically think all those happy things. I’m sure their first thought will be “I hope this one works out” or “what will she do if she loses this one, too?”
3. See the joyful expressions from my mom and my mother in law and all those other women I love when they here I get pregnant.
4. Sit calmly in the waiting room of the OB office.

Things I will not get to do this year:
1. Decorate a huge belly like a pumpkin.
2. Spend warm summer nights lounging on the deck and dreaming about our baby.
3. Look at new moms with babies and smile and think about how that will be me in a few months.
4. Spend Thanksgiving full of joy and passing around an infant to family members.
5. Wear maternity pants to Thanksgiving dinner because no other pants fit and I want to eat everything in sight.
6. Take a picture of a sleeping baby in a stocking for my Christmas cards.

Things I get to do that I’m trying to get excited about, even though I wish I couldn’t do them:
1. Spend warm summer nights on the deck with a glass of wine.
2. See the my college team play nearby on the day after my due date.
3. Black Friday shopping with my best friends for the 15th-ish year in a row.
4. Go see New Moon as soon as it comes out.
5. Go to Scotland on a tour of castles with my husband.