Peace

Well, not completely. But I am doing better. I’m going to get really cheesy here. Bear with me.

Do you sometimes have songs that fit so well where you are in your life? I have a lot. One is “Gotta get through this” By Daniel Bedingfield. It came out when I was working on my thesis for my master’s degree and it was the one I blasted while I was preparing my defense. I hate research and I hate presentations. I already had a job lined up. I just had to get through it and life would be awesome.

Have you heard the song “I will wait” by Mumford and Sons? I was having a sad feeling afternoon during my drive home, just thinking about all this crap and how I was mad. Then this song came on. I can’t really understand all of it because I’m old, but I just kept hearing I will wait for you. And it all came together. I had to wait to get W. I would wait for him again. He was worth every second of pain and darkness.

These days of dust
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

That is what I need to focus on.

I will wait. I will wait for you.  

The follow up

I had my follow up-appointment on Friday morning. It was a good one. I got to leave my pants on. In fact, the entire appointment took place in the doctor’s office. I got to sit in a chair.

I arrived and they took my weight and blood pressure. My weight keeps creeping up, but whatever. I don’t care about that now. Then the nurse took me back to a regular exam room and asked me a few questions about the miscarriage. She asked me if she thought I passed everything. I told her I was pretty sure. I feel fine and the bleeding stopped. So she just had me sit on the table. Then I waited for a while. I could hear the appointment in the room next store. I heard the Doppler come on and I heard them search for the baby’s heartbeat. I had a few seconds of anger at the person who was having a great appointment. Then it turned to fear while I waited for them to find it and I prayed for that girl until I heard the right sound. Then I went back to being mad. The doctor came in to get me and took me back to her office. That made me feel better. It’s easier to ask questions when you are in a real chair.

I’d never met this doctor before. I wanted to meet with the doctor who did my c-section, but I would have had to wait until mid-November to see her. So I picked this one. She is new to the practice. She had already looked through my file. She told me that 4 miscarriages is too much. I agreed. I cried a little. She went through my records and we talked about all the tests I had done. We found out that I have already had my chromosomes checked. I didn’t know that was done, but I was happy to know that’s one less thing to worry about. I saw a picture of them. They looked normal, I guess. She gave me a referral to the Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctor and the genetic counselor. Then she went through and gave me a list of the questions I should ask both doctors. I don’t have the list with me, but I’ll outline all of them after the appointment. Then we talked about trying again. I am to call the office immediately and get a prescription for progesterone. Who knows if that’s the problem, but it’s a simple step to take. She also told me to wait until January. That made me sad, but she explained that the miscarriage risk is slightly higher in the months following a miscarriage. She wanted to rule out that for a reason. I understand and I guess we’ll wait.

I’m tired of waiting.

The big appointment is November 1^st at 9 am. M will be with me. We have to bring complete family histories of pregnancies and pregnancy problems. This means talking to our parents about this. It won’t be a problem from my mom. She already knows about this last one and will be more than willing to help. She’d come to the appointment if I wanted her there. I have to ask my father about it. I’ll do that all over email (later on today). I’m not sure how much he’ll know about his mom, but he might be able to ask his sisters about it. We also have to ask M’s mom for information about his family history. We know her mother had a lot of problems (and 6 living children). I’m sad that I have to drag all of those old feelings up. I’ll call her tonight to talk about it. I’m not sure how to frame this conversation. She knows about 3 of the 4. Do I just tell her about the last one? Do I just refer to “problems” or what? I’ll probably cry, which won’t make this any easier. 

Still Angry

Where is the stage of grieving where you throw away the positive pregnancy test? Is it acceptance? Because I’m not there. I don’t think I’ve reached acceptance for these past two and I won’t get there for a while. I’m still firmly in Anger. I threw the latest test away with a swift, firm Fuck and then buried it in the other trash. Then I felt bad. Is that really what I want to do with the only real evidence that a bundle of cells that I love existed?

I talked to the nurse yesterday and went in for another blood draw. My new OB appointment has been switched to a follow up with time for discussion about my options. I will investigate my insurance coverage early next week. I wanted an earlier time, but the schedule was full. My practice has 10 or 12 doctors and is always very busy. It’s frustrating, but they always take time once you are in the room with the doctor. So I’ll wait and hopefully come out of that meeting with some sort of action plan. I hope to get a referral to an RE and to continue trying while we get tests done. I’m don’t want to stop trying because I know we can be successful… even if it is only 20% of the time.

The nurse called me again today. My number is down to 2. Hooray for some good news.

And the award goes to...

Congratulations, #4, on being the grossest miscarriage yet! I was actually at the point last night where I considered calling the on call doctor and talking to them about the whole filling a pad in an hour thing. I wasn’t exactly there, it’s just a lot of blood. I was kind of worried about bleeding out overnight and not having anyone home to notice (M is on a work trip, of course). Sorry for grossing you out (and I’m sure this isn’t the first time). Don’t worry. That didn’t happen. I’m fine today. Not even light headed! Today I’m relying on the tampon-pad combination, which I don’t like to do during miscarriages*. The super is done after 2.5 hours. And I’m wearing dark pants. I don’t have a lot of dark pants. This is a laid back business casual office and khaki pants are the usual. But at least these pants are loose.

The doctor’s office didn’t call me back yesterday, so I called again this morning and left a message that included the phrase “a lot of bleeding” and “I’d like to see a doctor.” Hopefully those are the magic words.

I’m pretty upset that we are out of M&Ms in the office snack cabinet.

 * Unless one is a medical professional, one should NOT HAVE TO HAVE AN OPINION on the use of tampons during a miscarriage. What the hell. 

Bloodwork

I went in for the bloodwork yesterday and they had me in the schedule wrong. My appointment wasn't until today at 4:30. But I said the magic word "miscarriage" and they switched it right then. So I was able to get in and have my blood drawn. I didn't talk to a nurse or anyone. The lady taking my blood didn't say anything. It was kind of cold feeling. If this had been my first one, I would have been very confused. I went to schedule the next blood draw and I had to tell the scheduler what I needed and why and when. Hooray for being super informed about miscarriage! 

The bleeding had picked up earlier in the afternoon. By evening it was like a regular period. I don't have any cramping or anything. It's not even especially heavy. This is nothing like my first natural miscarriage. That one was at 5 weeks, 3 days. This one was at 4 weeks, 6 days. Only 4 days different, but I guess none of them are ever the same. 

I'm going to call the nurse this afternoon and find out if the number is back yet. Hopefully it will be low enough to cancel the next blood draw. Then I can just schedule a follow up appointment and get this one over with. 

I'm not sure about what I'll do for testing. I'm considering some chromosomal tests, but I'm a little worried about the cost and what will be covered. Not that we can't do it, but we just bought the house and we've had some expensive car problems this past month. I don't want to test just for giggles. I only want to do it if it makes sense. I'm fairly sure W's chromosomes are normal and I had the tests from my first D&C come back normal, too. I didn't have any testing done on the first one or the blighted ovum. I also won't have any tests done on this one. 

Emotionally, I'm doing ok. I've had some shakey moments today, but mostly I'm ok. We had a great distraction last night with a baseball game. It was weird when I was standing there and I would remember what was happening. You can feel very much by yourself when you are in a stadium with 50,000 cheering people and you feel sad. 

Update for today

I have a doctor appointment in 45 minutes. When I talked to them on the phone and told them that I had some spotting, but no pain, they didn't get worked up about it. All they want to do today is a blood draw. I found another pregnancy test in a closet, so I took it and it came up pretty faint. I had some more blood and some more tissue this afternoon. I'm sure that the blood test will come up very low. I'll go back again on Wednesday to make sure it is going down and then we'll go back to the dreaded trying again. Thank you for thinking of me. You know it means the world to me. Keep your fingers crossed that this will end quickly and easily!

Once again...

And it's over. I feel like it didn't even begin. 

I had some pink spotting yesterday, but I didn't get worried. It's was barely anything. I wouldn't have even seen it if I wasn't looking like a crazy person with each trip to the bathroom. Right before bed I had a streak of red. Luckily I was exhausted and didn't stay awake with worry at all. 

This morning I was laying in bed and thinking that I didn't want to get up. As soon I went into the bathroom I knew I would see red and it would be over for sure. But my bladder was screaming, so I went in and everything was fine. Not even a trace. I though I was home free and yesterday was just that spotting that some people have. 

Then I was about to get into the shower and I peed again (I pee a lot, especially on cold mornings). There was lots of red with tissue. 

It took me a while to cry. It was more of a huge rush of rage and frustration. Then I sat on the floor and cried for a while. I got myself together to tell M. I'm always having to tell him that it's over. We cried together for a little while and I went back to bed. I briefly considered going to work because that would be a good distraction. Then I realized that I would have to spend the day pretending I was fine. That's exhausting. 

I waited for W to wake up and pulled him into bed with me. Even now, when I feel so angry with myself and the entire world, I know I am lucky. I have this amazing little person who gave me a hug and was so so happy when I told him I was staying home with him today. I told my work and daycare that he is sick. My MIL is babysitting him tonight, so I'll have to lie to her, too. 

I already told my mom about the positive test. She was here visiting and she told me that she had a feeling when she saw me. Moms always can just tell. I told her we were not getting excited about it until after the first ultrasound. But I know she was still happy. Now I have to call her and tell her about this. Again. I'm always calling and telling people that they aren't getting a grandchild. 

I gave myself a 50% chance of getting a heartbeat this time and a 25% chance of actually getting a healthy baby. Next time those will be worse. One child from 5 pregnancies. Four babies not born. 

I'm going to call the doctor later and maybe I'll get an appointment for this afternoon or tomorrow just to verify that everything is coming out ok. The last time this happened, they did an ultrasound to make sure everything was gone and they took some blood. 

#5

Here it is. I tested on a real test this morning. I think this is pretty clear. 

I also tested on an internet cheapie this morning. I was just as blank as the others. As I was pulling it out of the packet, I noticed the expiration date. So that could be the reason that I'm not getting any kind of results. I'm going to throw the rest of them away. I'm surprised that the expiration date really means something. 

This means I won't have any pregnancy tests in my house. I think that could be a good thing. I won't be tempted to keep testing and testing. 

EDD is June 11th. I'm calling the doctor later on today to get an appointment. Let the crazy days of complete crazy fear begin!

One day late

Today is cycle day 27. I have only had one 28 day cycle in the past few years and it was the cycle immediately following my D&C. I usually go 25-26 days. So I am officially late.

Let’s start at the beginning. This is my 4^th cycle of trying (as I have been complaining about because I’m annoying). I used cheapie ovulation strips this time. I started on CD 7 and started to panic around CD 12. With a 26 day cycle, I always thought that I ovulated on the 12^th day. The line started to get darker on CD 13. It peaked the morning of CD 14. I had read lots of information about the sticks (thank you LuckyOnce!). I knew that ovulation was about 24 hours after the peak and that’s what we aimed for.

Here is a picture of those sticks. It was fun using them, especially when they started getting darker. M thought it was gross that I had them all lined up on the bathroom vanity. I liked it. It made me feel like I was in control (which I know is not true). The sticks are now close to 2 weeks old, so the darkness of the lines is a little different than it was when they were new. I also liked that you aren’t supposed to use FMU and I could do these when I was totally awake!

Every cycle of Trying Again has been the same. Sore boobs for the entire 2WW. I did not let this get me excited this time. I didn't test until the day AF was due. I didn't get my hopes up. I only browsed the June 2013 birth club once or twice. That's good for me. 

I POAS on Sunday morning. But it wasn’t FMU. I really had to go at 4:30 am I didn’t want to fumble around in the dark and spill pee on anything. Plus I wanted to be able to get back to sleep! I did use one when I woke up and it came up completely negative. I spent lots of time yesterday going to the bathroom and checking to see if I had any spotting. Nothing happened. Around 3 pm, I opened the drawer where I hid the test and if I tilted it just right and turned my head and squinted, I could maybe see a little something. But I’ve been around long enough to know that it could be an evap line and I was stupid for looking at it 8 hours later. But I know everyone does that. I let M know that AF hadn’t shown up while we were eating dinner (how appetizing!)

This morning I POAS again and we looked at it together after breakfast. We both kind of stared at it. I wouldn’t say it is 100% negative. It could be a little positive, but it is very very very light. M saw it, though. I know he is not crazy. I've already shown this to a few internet friends. The majority is saying that they can't see anything. I can't see anything on this picture, either. 

This isn’t my BFP announcement. This is my AF is late announcement. I’ll keep testing and I’ll let you know when I get a for sure BFP or a for sure end of this cycle.