I was reading today’s Kirtsy post at LFCA. The post is Bloom Where You’re Planted and it reminded me of my own journey. Lori talks about the plants in her garden that have just shown up, accidently, and how they have taken root around her house.
Right after my D&C in May, I was looking around my yard. I had a garden full of tulips and daffodils that I was so excited about. The daffodil stems poked out of the ground, grew tall and green… and never bloomed. Only half of the tulips (maroon and orange, of course) showed up, with maybe 3 flowers out of the two dozen bulbs. I had a garden full of stems. This brought on a bad night with the husband, with me crying those cries that don’t even make noise. How come I only could grow things half way?
Lori’s post reminded me of my little accidental baby. I tried so hard for the other ones. I wanted them to grow right where they were planted. But this one… this plant that just shows up and grows, like her stubborn flowers, is a survivor. Come on baby. Keep growing.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Skinny Pants
I did wear my skinny pants yesterday. The buttons didn't even come close together. It was great. I almost skipped back from the bathroom each time I went.
Then I went home for lunch. M was home with a sore throat, so we had soup together. It was nice. He pointed out that I had a huge grease stain on my butt. So I had to change out of my skinny pants to regular jeans that zip up just fine.
Boring.
Then I went home for lunch. M was home with a sore throat, so we had soup together. It was nice. He pointed out that I had a huge grease stain on my butt. So I had to change out of my skinny pants to regular jeans that zip up just fine.
Boring.
Monday, October 26, 2009
11 weeks
I guess not much has changed over the last week. I have one week until the NT scan. One week until I start to get nervous for real (like all the nervousness I have now is nothing).
I saw an old friend on Friday night and I did something a little out of character. I told her how scared I am about November. And you know what she did? She gave me a big hug and told me she would be there for me. So I might continue to break out of my usual self and ask for help. I’m going to need a lot of hugs.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night (and it wasn’t because I saw Paranormal Activity on Saturday night). It was because I couldn’t stop thinking about my appointment on November 12th. I’m so afraid that one will end bad. The appointment is at 3 pm, so if I do have to get a D&C, it won’t be on Friday. I would have to wait until Monday. That would be 3 whole days of that misery. I almost couldn’t survive the 22 hours I had to wait last time. I have some big plans for that weekend – a football game and a surprise birthday party. I know I’d be letting people down if I didn’t go to those. The friend with the birthday might not understand if I stayed home. But I’d be bringing a dark cloud with me if I did go. And I'd have to spend November 13th, my due date, carrying a dead baby.
WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS??
Let’s go back to the positive. I’m still feeling good. I still have sore boobies. The soreness is coming and going, the tenderness is always there, but not too bad. My face and hairline are covered in gross zits. I’m still having the pulling/pushing out surface cramps that I am taking as a good sign. I even have a little tiny belly sticking out. I told M I thought it might just be a food baby. He asked me what a food baby was and I said, “That’s what you’re having!” and he wasn’t too happy.
The pants I have on today fit fine. I had to hair-band my jeans over the weekend. I might wear my skinny pants tomorrow just to make myself happy.
I saw an old friend on Friday night and I did something a little out of character. I told her how scared I am about November. And you know what she did? She gave me a big hug and told me she would be there for me. So I might continue to break out of my usual self and ask for help. I’m going to need a lot of hugs.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night (and it wasn’t because I saw Paranormal Activity on Saturday night). It was because I couldn’t stop thinking about my appointment on November 12th. I’m so afraid that one will end bad. The appointment is at 3 pm, so if I do have to get a D&C, it won’t be on Friday. I would have to wait until Monday. That would be 3 whole days of that misery. I almost couldn’t survive the 22 hours I had to wait last time. I have some big plans for that weekend – a football game and a surprise birthday party. I know I’d be letting people down if I didn’t go to those. The friend with the birthday might not understand if I stayed home. But I’d be bringing a dark cloud with me if I did go. And I'd have to spend November 13th, my due date, carrying a dead baby.
WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS??
Let’s go back to the positive. I’m still feeling good. I still have sore boobies. The soreness is coming and going, the tenderness is always there, but not too bad. My face and hairline are covered in gross zits. I’m still having the pulling/pushing out surface cramps that I am taking as a good sign. I even have a little tiny belly sticking out. I told M I thought it might just be a food baby. He asked me what a food baby was and I said, “That’s what you’re having!” and he wasn’t too happy.
The pants I have on today fit fine. I had to hair-band my jeans over the weekend. I might wear my skinny pants tomorrow just to make myself happy.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Doppler Post
First off - M is NOT a carrier of any of the common forms of Cystic Fibrosis. We will know the results for the other 1500 forms of the mutation in about 2 weeks. We are down to a 12% chance that he will be a carrier.
Now I will start talking about a Fetal Doppler.
I don’t know what to do. I’m nervous all the time. I know lots of you have Dopplers and you like them. They keep you calm and happy. AND you get to hear that little heartbeat all the time!
My plan would be to order it near the end of next week so I would get it close to Saturday (Oct 31). I have my NT scan on Monday morning (the 2nd). I would try to find the heartbeat on Sunday evening. If I didn’t find it, I would already be going to the doctor in the morning (after spending the night crying with fear). If I did find it, I would be relaxed for the appointment.
On second thought, maybe I would just wait until after the appointment.
My rule would be to only look in the morning, just in case I don’t hear anything. That way I can call the doctor if I need to.
But.
But what happens to me when I can’t find a heartbeat? I don’t know if I can deal with that. I don’t like the idea of it. I don’t know if I could deal with the waiting. What if I call the doctor and they tell me they can’t see me just because the Doppler doesn’t hear anything? I KNOW what it’s like to search for a heartbeat and not hear anything except my own heart racing with fear. And I was with a doctor who was trying to keep me calm.
I will need to talk this over with M. He will probably try to talk me out of it.
The 10 days between my NT scan (assuming the NT scan goes well) and my next OB appointment will be 100% scarier than the days leading up to the first appointment. I think they will be the scariest days of my life so far. I feel like having a Doppler could help me through it, but I don’t know if I could deal with the nervousness EVERY SINGLE time I pick up the machine to use it.
So, do I stress out majorly for a full 10 days with it all coming to a head on the 12th? Or do I stress out a little less every day for 10 days? Have you had an experience of not finding a heartbeat on a home Doppler? What happened when/if you called the doctor? Do you read a blog where this happened (with good or bad results)? I am 10 weeks, 3 days today. I will be 12 weeks exactly on Monday, November 2nd.
Now I will start talking about a Fetal Doppler.
I don’t know what to do. I’m nervous all the time. I know lots of you have Dopplers and you like them. They keep you calm and happy. AND you get to hear that little heartbeat all the time!
My plan would be to order it near the end of next week so I would get it close to Saturday (Oct 31). I have my NT scan on Monday morning (the 2nd). I would try to find the heartbeat on Sunday evening. If I didn’t find it, I would already be going to the doctor in the morning (after spending the night crying with fear). If I did find it, I would be relaxed for the appointment.
On second thought, maybe I would just wait until after the appointment.
My rule would be to only look in the morning, just in case I don’t hear anything. That way I can call the doctor if I need to.
But.
But what happens to me when I can’t find a heartbeat? I don’t know if I can deal with that. I don’t like the idea of it. I don’t know if I could deal with the waiting. What if I call the doctor and they tell me they can’t see me just because the Doppler doesn’t hear anything? I KNOW what it’s like to search for a heartbeat and not hear anything except my own heart racing with fear. And I was with a doctor who was trying to keep me calm.
I will need to talk this over with M. He will probably try to talk me out of it.
The 10 days between my NT scan (assuming the NT scan goes well) and my next OB appointment will be 100% scarier than the days leading up to the first appointment. I think they will be the scariest days of my life so far. I feel like having a Doppler could help me through it, but I don’t know if I could deal with the nervousness EVERY SINGLE time I pick up the machine to use it.
So, do I stress out majorly for a full 10 days with it all coming to a head on the 12th? Or do I stress out a little less every day for 10 days? Have you had an experience of not finding a heartbeat on a home Doppler? What happened when/if you called the doctor? Do you read a blog where this happened (with good or bad results)? I am 10 weeks, 3 days today. I will be 12 weeks exactly on Monday, November 2nd.
Monday, October 19, 2009
10 Weeks
Double digits! One quarter of the way through! Amost a Fetus!
I’m feeling pretty good now (meaning I don’t feel 100% perfect). My symptoms over the last week have been steady. I’ve got the morning queasiness that barely registers. It’s like I’ll be in the shower and all of the sudden think, “Ugh! I’m going to puke” and then it will go away immediately. I need to sleep everyday around 1 pm (which never happens). My boobs are getting bigger. I notice the way they hit my arms when I’m trying to do stuff. It’s a good thing it’s almost winter. There’s no way I could play miniature golf right now. They are sore/tender off and on. I need to pull out my journal from last time to see when they stopped hurting. I think it was right around now.
But the one symptom that I cling to the most is cramping. Does that sound weird? I didn’t have this last time. They are not crampy-cramps. I would call them surface cramps, like something is growing in there and pushing everything else out of the way. Even with all this, I’m not any bigger (in the belly area) and I haven’t gained any weight.
I spent Sunday with the most fertile family on the planet. I realized that I’m still not ready to be around pregnant ladies. They are just so confident with their bellies, I can’t take it. I kind of stare at them. How did they manage to get that far? How are they not sitting and staring at themselves in wonder? So, I’m still all jealous. No changes there. It reminded me about my pomegranate string and beads that I have waiting. I plan on wearing the bracelet when (if? Ugh!) I start showing. Maybe just one person will notice, but that’s enough. Maybe people will ask about it and I can spread the word.
M is in Alaska for this week. I hate it when he’s gone.
I’m feeling pretty good now (meaning I don’t feel 100% perfect). My symptoms over the last week have been steady. I’ve got the morning queasiness that barely registers. It’s like I’ll be in the shower and all of the sudden think, “Ugh! I’m going to puke” and then it will go away immediately. I need to sleep everyday around 1 pm (which never happens). My boobs are getting bigger. I notice the way they hit my arms when I’m trying to do stuff. It’s a good thing it’s almost winter. There’s no way I could play miniature golf right now. They are sore/tender off and on. I need to pull out my journal from last time to see when they stopped hurting. I think it was right around now.
But the one symptom that I cling to the most is cramping. Does that sound weird? I didn’t have this last time. They are not crampy-cramps. I would call them surface cramps, like something is growing in there and pushing everything else out of the way. Even with all this, I’m not any bigger (in the belly area) and I haven’t gained any weight.
I spent Sunday with the most fertile family on the planet. I realized that I’m still not ready to be around pregnant ladies. They are just so confident with their bellies, I can’t take it. I kind of stare at them. How did they manage to get that far? How are they not sitting and staring at themselves in wonder? So, I’m still all jealous. No changes there. It reminded me about my pomegranate string and beads that I have waiting. I plan on wearing the bracelet when (if? Ugh!) I start showing. Maybe just one person will notice, but that’s enough. Maybe people will ask about it and I can spread the word.
M is in Alaska for this week. I hate it when he’s gone.
Friday, October 16, 2009
2nd Appointment Details
OB appointment: This was a great, quick visit. I got in there and the little “cover up” blanket wasn’t on the chair, so I started going through all the cabinets. M told me to just go find a nurse and ask, but I know they have all the supplies in the room. I shuddered a little when I opened the drawer full of speculums, but then the huge stash of gowns was right there. Then M reminded me to hide my underwear.
The baby came right into view. I love seeing that heartbeat and the tiny arms moving around. Perfect. We got two pictures! When she measured the baby, we got 10 weeks, 1 day. I gasped a little and the doctor laughed at me – “No, look how the baby is stretched out!” You can see the difference in position in the two pictures.
So we’re looking good so far. She asked me if I’d be ok with waiting 4 weeks until my next appointment. I agreed, but only because I have the NT scan in the middle. That scan is on November 2 and my next OB appointment is November 12.
Wait, November 12? I must be out of my mind. On November 9, I will be 13 weeks. I lost my November baby sometime near the beginning of the 13th week. I’m happy to have the appointment close to that time so I can just KNOW, but then November 13th was my due date. So I again find myself with the possibility of some great heartache piled on top of some more heartache. I hope that’s not the case….
Ok, on to the CF genetic stuff. We spent over an hour with the people in that office. This group (headed by Dr. D) is developing screening tests for babies through the mother’s blood. Within the past 2 years, they have been able to separate out the baby’s DNA from the mother’s blood and screen for genetic disorders. This means no more invasive testing to confirm Down’s Syndrome or Trisomny 18 and 21 or Cystic Fibrosis. I’ve already decided I’m not going to get a CVS or amnio if M is a carrier for CF. There’s nothing we can do ahead of time and the 1 in 200 miscarriage risk is too much for me (even if the risk has been reduced to 1 in 1600 for an amnio and 1 in 400 for the CVS). I’m not ruling out the tests for other problems, just not for CF.
So, back to the doctor. They started off with all the forms. My main concern had been about them requiring one of those tests, but they don’t. M had to swab his cheeks for the quick screening. Then they took blood from both of us (or tried). M went first. She got about 4 drops out of him and he turned gray and soaked in sweat. She had missed his vein. The poor nurse felt so bad. He needed about 20 minutes to recover. They ended up getting 8 more cheek swabs from him. He might have to go back next week if they can’t get his full DNA from that. Then she took 8 vials from me. I didn’t even flinch. I made sure to rub this is in at every opportunity.
CF has about 1600 different mutations. The screening offered to pregnant women looks for 20-30 of these mutations (the most common ones). I have DeltaF508, the most common of the most common. The cheek swab will only look for those same mutations. If he has one of those, ok. They are also testing him for the remaining 1570 mutations. In return for getting this done for free, I am giving blood samples throughout my pregnancy (hopefully).
Dr. D and his wife had 2 miscarriages before their daughter was born and then another before their son. He was kind to us and is going to have us wait until I pass 14 weeks to give any more blood. He doesn’t want any extra stress on this baby (or me).
I really believe in what he’s doing. Imagine all those women who get a high percentage chance back from the NT scan and then have to decide in more tests that could harm the baby. Soon they’ll have the option to know earlier, and more specifically, if anything is wrong. I do see the flip side – perhaps parents will see the results of this test and decide to end the pregnancy, even if it is a treatable condition.
But the good outweighs the bad. So many parents are faced with finding out about chromosomal problems when it is too late and their options are limited, restricted, or downright scary. I know it doesn’t make the decision any easier, but no one should have to fight for their rights when in the middle of so much grief. That’s why this is important to me.
The baby came right into view. I love seeing that heartbeat and the tiny arms moving around. Perfect. We got two pictures! When she measured the baby, we got 10 weeks, 1 day. I gasped a little and the doctor laughed at me – “No, look how the baby is stretched out!” You can see the difference in position in the two pictures.
So we’re looking good so far. She asked me if I’d be ok with waiting 4 weeks until my next appointment. I agreed, but only because I have the NT scan in the middle. That scan is on November 2 and my next OB appointment is November 12.
Wait, November 12? I must be out of my mind. On November 9, I will be 13 weeks. I lost my November baby sometime near the beginning of the 13th week. I’m happy to have the appointment close to that time so I can just KNOW, but then November 13th was my due date. So I again find myself with the possibility of some great heartache piled on top of some more heartache. I hope that’s not the case….
Ok, on to the CF genetic stuff. We spent over an hour with the people in that office. This group (headed by Dr. D) is developing screening tests for babies through the mother’s blood. Within the past 2 years, they have been able to separate out the baby’s DNA from the mother’s blood and screen for genetic disorders. This means no more invasive testing to confirm Down’s Syndrome or Trisomny 18 and 21 or Cystic Fibrosis. I’ve already decided I’m not going to get a CVS or amnio if M is a carrier for CF. There’s nothing we can do ahead of time and the 1 in 200 miscarriage risk is too much for me (even if the risk has been reduced to 1 in 1600 for an amnio and 1 in 400 for the CVS). I’m not ruling out the tests for other problems, just not for CF.
So, back to the doctor. They started off with all the forms. My main concern had been about them requiring one of those tests, but they don’t. M had to swab his cheeks for the quick screening. Then they took blood from both of us (or tried). M went first. She got about 4 drops out of him and he turned gray and soaked in sweat. She had missed his vein. The poor nurse felt so bad. He needed about 20 minutes to recover. They ended up getting 8 more cheek swabs from him. He might have to go back next week if they can’t get his full DNA from that. Then she took 8 vials from me. I didn’t even flinch. I made sure to rub this is in at every opportunity.
CF has about 1600 different mutations. The screening offered to pregnant women looks for 20-30 of these mutations (the most common ones). I have DeltaF508, the most common of the most common. The cheek swab will only look for those same mutations. If he has one of those, ok. They are also testing him for the remaining 1570 mutations. In return for getting this done for free, I am giving blood samples throughout my pregnancy (hopefully).
Dr. D and his wife had 2 miscarriages before their daughter was born and then another before their son. He was kind to us and is going to have us wait until I pass 14 weeks to give any more blood. He doesn’t want any extra stress on this baby (or me).
I really believe in what he’s doing. Imagine all those women who get a high percentage chance back from the NT scan and then have to decide in more tests that could harm the baby. Soon they’ll have the option to know earlier, and more specifically, if anything is wrong. I do see the flip side – perhaps parents will see the results of this test and decide to end the pregnancy, even if it is a treatable condition.
But the good outweighs the bad. So many parents are faced with finding out about chromosomal problems when it is too late and their options are limited, restricted, or downright scary. I know it doesn’t make the decision any easier, but no one should have to fight for their rights when in the middle of so much grief. That’s why this is important to me.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
October 15th
Appointment update will be tomorrow. Today is for remembering.
My mom is coming to visit tonight. We're going to go out, spend quality time together, go to a card making class. We'll focus on the positive, because that's what we do. That's how we get through tough times.
So I won't be home to light a candle. But I'll have a light in my heart, the light that never goes out.
I miss you, my baby boy. I love you. So much.
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My mom is coming to visit tonight. We're going to go out, spend quality time together, go to a card making class. We'll focus on the positive, because that's what we do. That's how we get through tough times.
So I won't be home to light a candle. But I'll have a light in my heart, the light that never goes out.
I miss you, my baby boy. I love you. So much.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Beautiful, take 2
We saw a great little baby today - arms and legs and a heartbeat!
I'm so much in love.
I'll post full details tomorrow about the doctor and the CF meeting.
Thanks for your prayers today!
I'm so much in love.
I'll post full details tomorrow about the doctor and the CF meeting.
Thanks for your prayers today!
Waiting, take 2
I have my second appointment today.
Reasons why I know everything will be ok:
1. The boobies are still hurting.
2. I have growing feelings in my uterus area. Not cramps, but little pressure-feeling pains near the surface.
3. My pants are slightly tighter.
4. I deserve it, dammit!
Reasons why I’m scared out of mind that everything is NOT ok:
1. The boobies aren’t throbbing with pain.
2. I have these pains that don’t really feel like cramps, but they could be.
3. I didn’t get up to pee last night.
4. I have that pretending feeling when I talk about symptoms.
5. This “baby thing” seems to not care about who deserves what.
I did all kinds of chores around the house last night so I won’t have to worry about it tonight. I will clean up my desk this afternoon and make sure I have notes that will get my projects through the next week. This is cumbersome, but it’s best to be prepared.
I like having my appointments in the afternoon. I specifically ask for one of the last appointments of the day. I must be insane. I will get nothing done today. 4:00 pm at the OB, 5:00 pm at the CF research office. It’s a busy night!
M’s boss asked him to switch work trip so M would be out of town on November 2. That is the day we’re going to the NT scan. I told M it’s time to pull the miscarriage card. He can’t be out of the country any time I have an appointment. That’s my rule.
Reasons why I know everything will be ok:
1. The boobies are still hurting.
2. I have growing feelings in my uterus area. Not cramps, but little pressure-feeling pains near the surface.
3. My pants are slightly tighter.
4. I deserve it, dammit!
Reasons why I’m scared out of mind that everything is NOT ok:
1. The boobies aren’t throbbing with pain.
2. I have these pains that don’t really feel like cramps, but they could be.
3. I didn’t get up to pee last night.
4. I have that pretending feeling when I talk about symptoms.
5. This “baby thing” seems to not care about who deserves what.
I did all kinds of chores around the house last night so I won’t have to worry about it tonight. I will clean up my desk this afternoon and make sure I have notes that will get my projects through the next week. This is cumbersome, but it’s best to be prepared.
I like having my appointments in the afternoon. I specifically ask for one of the last appointments of the day. I must be insane. I will get nothing done today. 4:00 pm at the OB, 5:00 pm at the CF research office. It’s a busy night!
M’s boss asked him to switch work trip so M would be out of town on November 2. That is the day we’re going to the NT scan. I told M it’s time to pull the miscarriage card. He can’t be out of the country any time I have an appointment. That’s my rule.
Monday, October 12, 2009
9 Weeks
I always thought the whole “smell” thing during pregnancy was a little crazy. I’ve never had that problem. My sense of smell isn’t any stronger than it was and I’m not yelling at people because they use scented shampoo. I’m a huge Office fan and I was amused when Pam puked all over the place in the last episode. But I still thought that was kind of a myth. And, yes, I cried like a fool during all the wedding stuff.
Anyway, I went to the grocery store on Sunday by myself. M usually goes with me and spends half the time standing in front of the meat section and frowning. He’s the cook in our marriage. I had a mission to get some chicken and see what else looked good (that’s a lot of pressure). I was having a grand old time until I pulled up in front of the meat. I got all dizzy and almost puked my guts up. Whew! Raw chicken is GROSS! I took a minute, then held my breath and grabbed one package. I bolted to the soda aisle where I could get myself together. Then I was giddy for the rest of the day.
We had a fun weekend – one of our college friends has an Oktoberfest party each year. He offered me wine several times and kept smiling and winking at me. “You don’t come back from Scotland without a baby!” I didn’t confirm, but I was hoping a few other friends were clueless enough to not realize what he was talking about. We told the couple we see every weekend, but they already knew. I’m such a wino. It’s obvious when I’m pregnant.
We also told M’s parents this weekend. His mom cried forever. Then she wouldn’t stop hugging me. My BIL even shed some tears (he’s Metro, so he’s allowed to cry). I did ask that we didn’t tell M’s grandparents yet. I’m not ready for that yet.
So here we are. Fully invested. Everyone knows. 55 hours until my next appointment.
Anyway, I went to the grocery store on Sunday by myself. M usually goes with me and spends half the time standing in front of the meat section and frowning. He’s the cook in our marriage. I had a mission to get some chicken and see what else looked good (that’s a lot of pressure). I was having a grand old time until I pulled up in front of the meat. I got all dizzy and almost puked my guts up. Whew! Raw chicken is GROSS! I took a minute, then held my breath and grabbed one package. I bolted to the soda aisle where I could get myself together. Then I was giddy for the rest of the day.
We had a fun weekend – one of our college friends has an Oktoberfest party each year. He offered me wine several times and kept smiling and winking at me. “You don’t come back from Scotland without a baby!” I didn’t confirm, but I was hoping a few other friends were clueless enough to not realize what he was talking about. We told the couple we see every weekend, but they already knew. I’m such a wino. It’s obvious when I’m pregnant.
We also told M’s parents this weekend. His mom cried forever. Then she wouldn’t stop hugging me. My BIL even shed some tears (he’s Metro, so he’s allowed to cry). I did ask that we didn’t tell M’s grandparents yet. I’m not ready for that yet.
So here we are. Fully invested. Everyone knows. 55 hours until my next appointment.
Friday, October 9, 2009
One Year Ago
I stopped birth control on October 10, 2008. It was a Friday and I was about to go to a girl’s weekend in Pennsylvania. I don’t need to describe how hopeful and starry-eyed I was then. I couldn’t think about anything else. I should have been thinking about my very low tolerance for alcohol. Then maybe I wouldn’t have had to stop on the side of the road several times on my drive home Sunday morning.
But back to the subject - I remember wishing that I would be pregnant within a year. I was afraid we’d have trouble. I knew my mom spent over a year trying to get pregnant (both times – she had a 13-week miscarriage before me). But the idea of miscarriage was barely on my radar. I never imagined I’d be this person right now.
Am I sad about the past year? Yes. Would I go back and warn myself or change anything? Probably not. Getting some warning about this would have made it worse. And what could I change? Maybe I would tell myself to start a little earlier so I could get this some of this bad stuff out of the way quicker.
What’s different about me now? I seem (to myself) to be a little softer, a little nicer. Not that I’m usually a very mean person, but I’m more likely to stop and think before I say something snarky. And that stop and think part has added some patience. Now I’ll stop and wonder if there’s a reason why someone does something – and now I’ll wonder if you have something sad going on behind the scenes.
My happiness is returning, slowly. I know that has a lot to do with the new Hope I have growing. I was in a very low spot right before my vacation and right before I found out about this pregnancy. Now I’ve been smiling spontaneously again and planning things with friends. It’s good to be back.
But back to the subject - I remember wishing that I would be pregnant within a year. I was afraid we’d have trouble. I knew my mom spent over a year trying to get pregnant (both times – she had a 13-week miscarriage before me). But the idea of miscarriage was barely on my radar. I never imagined I’d be this person right now.
Am I sad about the past year? Yes. Would I go back and warn myself or change anything? Probably not. Getting some warning about this would have made it worse. And what could I change? Maybe I would tell myself to start a little earlier so I could get this some of this bad stuff out of the way quicker.
What’s different about me now? I seem (to myself) to be a little softer, a little nicer. Not that I’m usually a very mean person, but I’m more likely to stop and think before I say something snarky. And that stop and think part has added some patience. Now I’ll stop and wonder if there’s a reason why someone does something – and now I’ll wonder if you have something sad going on behind the scenes.
My happiness is returning, slowly. I know that has a lot to do with the new Hope I have growing. I was in a very low spot right before my vacation and right before I found out about this pregnancy. Now I’ve been smiling spontaneously again and planning things with friends. It’s good to be back.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Carrier for CF
Update on the cold – I’m rethinking the SinuCleanse. My nose is almost completely cleared up… that was fast. I decided it must be because I was pouring saltwater in my brain.
All right, let’s talk about Cystic Fibrosis!
At my first appointment, the doctor threw out that I should get the screening for CF. I thought that was fine – I was already having a ton of blood drawn. She called me yesterday with the results. I am tested positive as a carrier.
This alone isn’t a huge deal. 1 in 25 white women are carriers. I’m surprised, though – no one in my family has the disease. I guess we’ve all been lucky! Now, M does have a family history – his grandmother’s sister’s daughter (we’ll call her a great-cousin) has CF and she is always in and out of the hospital. She’s been on the list for a lung transplant forever (I think she is not on the list anymore because of her age). So, it’s remote, but we have a reason to be afraid he’ll be a carrier also. If you remember high school biology – His grandmother is very likely to be a carrier, so M’s mom is 50% likely to be a carrier. If she is a carrier, then M is 50% likely to be a carrier. If we are both carriers, we have a 1 in 4 chance of having a baby with CF. That’s a lot of ifs.
I talked to a doctor at a nearby lab yesterday afternoon. His company is working to develop CF tests that will not require an Amniocentesis or a CVS. He asked me to be part of his study and I agreed. It is just a series of blood draws during my pregnancy and a test on the baby when s/he is born. I’m going to be part of that – I’m good at getting my blood drawn and it should help out moms in the future. He seemed almost giddy when he was talking to me. I guess he doesn’t get a lot of calls so early in the pregnancy and from someone so close. His office is about 2 miles from my house, so going there for the study isn’t a problem for me.
M will have his cheek swabbed at my next doctor’s appointment (the 14th). Immediately after the appointment, we are meeting with the CF doctor and I will have my first blood draw. We’ll know about M’s status about a week later.
I’m a little freaked out about the meeting, but mainly because I don’t like planning pregnancy dependant events after an appointment. That would be a very uncomfortable phone call at a very bad time.
I talked to M for a while last night. He is upset. He feels guilty for possibly giving this life-shortening disease to someone so small. I understand his feelings, but I don’t have them at all for this (yet). I think it’s because I’ve already sorted through feeling guilty about what my body can do to a baby. I’ve already hated myself for something much worse than CF and I’ve dealt with it. This isn’t something we’ve intentionally done to our kid and IF we have a CF baby, we’ll do everything humanly possible to give them a great chance to live a long life.
So we’ll add this to my list of hopes: Dear little baby in there, I hope you’re still happy and growing and feeling all this love I’ve got for you. I hope to see you on a sunny day in May and you come out with great, strong lungs then go on to live a happy, healthy life surrounded with love and laughter.
All right, let’s talk about Cystic Fibrosis!
At my first appointment, the doctor threw out that I should get the screening for CF. I thought that was fine – I was already having a ton of blood drawn. She called me yesterday with the results. I am tested positive as a carrier.
This alone isn’t a huge deal. 1 in 25 white women are carriers. I’m surprised, though – no one in my family has the disease. I guess we’ve all been lucky! Now, M does have a family history – his grandmother’s sister’s daughter (we’ll call her a great-cousin) has CF and she is always in and out of the hospital. She’s been on the list for a lung transplant forever (I think she is not on the list anymore because of her age). So, it’s remote, but we have a reason to be afraid he’ll be a carrier also. If you remember high school biology – His grandmother is very likely to be a carrier, so M’s mom is 50% likely to be a carrier. If she is a carrier, then M is 50% likely to be a carrier. If we are both carriers, we have a 1 in 4 chance of having a baby with CF. That’s a lot of ifs.
I talked to a doctor at a nearby lab yesterday afternoon. His company is working to develop CF tests that will not require an Amniocentesis or a CVS. He asked me to be part of his study and I agreed. It is just a series of blood draws during my pregnancy and a test on the baby when s/he is born. I’m going to be part of that – I’m good at getting my blood drawn and it should help out moms in the future. He seemed almost giddy when he was talking to me. I guess he doesn’t get a lot of calls so early in the pregnancy and from someone so close. His office is about 2 miles from my house, so going there for the study isn’t a problem for me.
M will have his cheek swabbed at my next doctor’s appointment (the 14th). Immediately after the appointment, we are meeting with the CF doctor and I will have my first blood draw. We’ll know about M’s status about a week later.
I’m a little freaked out about the meeting, but mainly because I don’t like planning pregnancy dependant events after an appointment. That would be a very uncomfortable phone call at a very bad time.
I talked to M for a while last night. He is upset. He feels guilty for possibly giving this life-shortening disease to someone so small. I understand his feelings, but I don’t have them at all for this (yet). I think it’s because I’ve already sorted through feeling guilty about what my body can do to a baby. I’ve already hated myself for something much worse than CF and I’ve dealt with it. This isn’t something we’ve intentionally done to our kid and IF we have a CF baby, we’ll do everything humanly possible to give them a great chance to live a long life.
So we’ll add this to my list of hopes: Dear little baby in there, I hope you’re still happy and growing and feeling all this love I’ve got for you. I hope to see you on a sunny day in May and you come out with great, strong lungs then go on to live a happy, healthy life surrounded with love and laughter.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Still snotty!
I’m still sitting here all snotty, so I’ll understand if you don’t want to hang out with me. I don't want you to get sick.
I tried the SinuCleanse last night (thanks for the idea, good enough!). I can’t say that it helped out with my cold, but it had me laughing! I laughed when I saw the little teapot thing, I laughed when I watched the video, I laughed when I stuck the end up my nose. Then I started shaking with giggles and snorted the salt water up into my brain. I tried it twice and I might try it again tonight, just for the humor. If anything, I recommend you go watch the video and wonder why they only show still photos.
I researched all kinds of other medicines and all of them listed scary side effects (Club foot? Hip dislocation? Hernias?). Then everything says, "Use only if the benefits outweigh the risks." Talk about a guilt trip! I'm so sorry you have a cleft palate, my dear child, but mommy had a runny nose!
I won't complain about this anymore. I kept telling M last night that I was uncomfortable, but the end result is well worth my suffering. I'd feel like this for the next 32 weeks if I had to.
I tried the SinuCleanse last night (thanks for the idea, good enough!). I can’t say that it helped out with my cold, but it had me laughing! I laughed when I saw the little teapot thing, I laughed when I watched the video, I laughed when I stuck the end up my nose. Then I started shaking with giggles and snorted the salt water up into my brain. I tried it twice and I might try it again tonight, just for the humor. If anything, I recommend you go watch the video and wonder why they only show still photos.
I researched all kinds of other medicines and all of them listed scary side effects (Club foot? Hip dislocation? Hernias?). Then everything says, "Use only if the benefits outweigh the risks." Talk about a guilt trip! I'm so sorry you have a cleft palate, my dear child, but mommy had a runny nose!
I won't complain about this anymore. I kept telling M last night that I was uncomfortable, but the end result is well worth my suffering. I'd feel like this for the next 32 weeks if I had to.
Monday, October 5, 2009
8 Weeks
I made it to 8 weeks and all I got was this lousy cold.
Let’s see what happened in the last few days, shall we?
I’ve been falling asleep on the couch around 8 pm. I can avoid it by going for a nice long walk after work, but I’m usually too tired to do that.
I researched dental x-rays and pregnancy. For the first time ever, Dr. Google didn’t tell me my baby and I would both be scarred for life. I found this gem (on Yahoo answers): “X-rays for dental cannot hurt your fetus unless you are some kind of marsupial freak that carries your young in your cheeks.” One lady exclaimed that the asker should rush to the doctor immediately before you burn in a fiery hell, but she was the minority. So I’m done worrying about that.
I told my parents this weekend. Of course they were happy and my mom cried. When I told them this one would work out because it was an accident, my dad breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Ain’t that the truth!” For reference: my oldest brother was born a few days after my dad graduated from high school.
My mom refused to listen to my rules of not talking about the future of this pregnancy. She said that she understands my concern (because she’s been through this, too), but she is going to be positive.
I ended up telling a bunch of other people as well. My mom is a nurse and had a party on Sunday with lots of other nurses. One of them is an educator for OB nurses and I wanted her advice on the H1N1 vaccine (I’ll be getting it). Since I told some of the nurses, I had to tell others. Then my brother showed up, and I told him, too. Now it seems like everyone knows and I’m ok with that. Every person said they would keep me in their prayers. That is exactly what I need.
I do have a knock-down snotty type of cold right now and I’m cranky because I can’t take my lovely Advil Cold and Sinus. I slept in this morning, but I still feel icky. But I’d rather be sick now than be able to take the medicines. Does anyone have any old-school remedies?
Let’s see what happened in the last few days, shall we?
I’ve been falling asleep on the couch around 8 pm. I can avoid it by going for a nice long walk after work, but I’m usually too tired to do that.
I researched dental x-rays and pregnancy. For the first time ever, Dr. Google didn’t tell me my baby and I would both be scarred for life. I found this gem (on Yahoo answers): “X-rays for dental cannot hurt your fetus unless you are some kind of marsupial freak that carries your young in your cheeks.” One lady exclaimed that the asker should rush to the doctor immediately before you burn in a fiery hell, but she was the minority. So I’m done worrying about that.
I told my parents this weekend. Of course they were happy and my mom cried. When I told them this one would work out because it was an accident, my dad breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Ain’t that the truth!” For reference: my oldest brother was born a few days after my dad graduated from high school.
My mom refused to listen to my rules of not talking about the future of this pregnancy. She said that she understands my concern (because she’s been through this, too), but she is going to be positive.
I ended up telling a bunch of other people as well. My mom is a nurse and had a party on Sunday with lots of other nurses. One of them is an educator for OB nurses and I wanted her advice on the H1N1 vaccine (I’ll be getting it). Since I told some of the nurses, I had to tell others. Then my brother showed up, and I told him, too. Now it seems like everyone knows and I’m ok with that. Every person said they would keep me in their prayers. That is exactly what I need.
I do have a knock-down snotty type of cold right now and I’m cranky because I can’t take my lovely Advil Cold and Sinus. I slept in this morning, but I still feel icky. But I’d rather be sick now than be able to take the medicines. Does anyone have any old-school remedies?
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