Lonely

M was out of town for my first miscarriage. He was in Las Vegas for a bachelor party and none of his friends knew we were pregnant. I knew deep down that something was wrong with the pregnancy. My symptoms had gone away and I had even taken a HPT earlier in the week – the line on that test was much lighter than my first line. I knew. But I also knew that I couldn’t do anything about it. I had that first cramp early on Saturday morning, but no bleeding. I don’t know how I got through that day – I cleaned and had a friend, her husband and daughter stay overnight on their way to a family event. My friend was 4 months pregnant and so excited for me. I didn’t know how to tell her that I didn’t think I’d be having a baby. Sunday night, I had the awful bleeding all at once and it was officially over. I still didn’t tell that morning. My friend left mid-morning, so I kept a smile on my face and then prepared myself for the emotions. They came quick. I’d never felt despair like that (I’ve since learned that it can be much worse). I debated calling my mother in law. But I didn’t want to feel her grief – I knew I’d have to put on a happy face to make her feel better and I couldn’t do it. I needed to be sad and cry. I can’t do that in front of someone who only wants me to be happy. I debated calling M to get him to come home early. I looked at flights and saw that unless he was at the airport now, he’d never make it there in time to catch an earlier flight. So I didn’t tell him. When he called, I just told him that I had a headache and I missed him.

Looking back, I don’t know how I survived it. I went to pick him up at the airport and just having him in the car next to me made me feel like I would get through this. M would protect me and life would go on. I could breathe again.

M is away again this week. This time it is for work. Last night I tried to sleep, but my mind kept drifting back and I had to keep turning the light back on and reading to distract myself. I have trouble sleeping sometimes when M is home, but rarely for this long. Just having him next to me is like a calming drug. I miss him.