Beautiful Wedding

M and I went to the lake in upstate NY this weekend for my cousin’s wedding. I’d really been looking forward to this because she just decided to get married a month ago. This is hard to describe: this is the first big event where I hadn’t pictured myself pregnant. I thought I wouldn’t be as sad to be there.

We threw a small shower for my cousin, L, on Friday afternoon. She worked so hard with my shower and her sister’s shower – she deserved to have one of her own! She was completely surprised and couldn’t believe we had pulled it off so quickly! My dad made her a cake – it was a chocolate cake with gummi worms and Swedish fish in the center. That would take a lot of explaining to understand, but we spent our childhood digging in the dirt up at the lake. L loved it.

A girl showed up as the shower was ending with her 2 month old baby. I said hi and congratulations and then pretty much stayed away. I was watching M and some other guys play bocce ball when the new mom started talking (loudly) about labor and everything wonderful about a baby. My dad, the most wonderful man on the planet, came right over to me and distracted me. We decided to go back to the cabin and spend some time on boats. Later L asked me if I had seen the baby and I told her why I needed to leave the party. She told me it was a good thing I left because it only got worse. I don’t blame the new mom, she’s a nice girl and she doesn’t know my story. I’d be excited, too. M told me it was rude to leave the party so quickly. I kind of got irritated with him, I had set up the shower and been on the clean-up crew. Everything was finished and put away. The party itself was over and people were just standing around We were not the first to leave. I could have stood there and held in tears or I could get away and be with my parents.

The next few hours were some of the best of the weekend. I wanted to go out in kayaks and go around the lake (a small lake!) and my dad was going to go with me. He’s never been out in a kayak before! I convinced my mom that she needed to, just to witness this! She got in her kayak and my dad just pushed her out into the water... her paddle was still in my hand. We were almost on the ground laughing so hard! She had to use her hands to paddle herself close enough to reach me. Then my dad got in the biggest kayak we have. I pushed him out and the top of the boat was about an inch above the water. I have never seen anything like that – my mom wouldn’t let him stay out like that. He had no idea how to paddle, either! It took him a while to get back to shore. Awesome! So, I went out with my mom and looked back to the dock where my dad was getting a tiny rowboat out! He actually got in a boat on the lake and went around with us! I loved that quality time with them and we finally got to show my dad the little coves where my mom and I both searched for frogs and turtles when we were little. She was playing there in the 1950s and I was there in the 1980s. I hope that someday I can bring my children to the lake to play in the same place.

The rest of the time was kind of hectic – my cousin had a pre-reception the night before the ceremony. She didn’t like us calling it the pre-ception. The ceremony was Sunday morning, right on the lake. L looked radiant and the setting was gorgeous. The sky was a perfect blue and reflected on the lake. I can’t even describe it. I hope L realized how wonderful it was. After the ceremony, she got into a rowboat with her new husband and they rowed away…

Back to me and my feelings: I was the only one who brought up my miscarriage (at 3 different times) and on all occasions, the person I was talking to changed the subject or just stopped talking. I know no one wants to hear about it, and it was not a weekend to talk about anything sad, but I’m not thinking of much else.