Two Emotions

A friend from college emailed me last week to tell me she is pregnant with twins. She did everything perfect. She is still early in her pregnancy (I’m not sure how far along) and she wanted to tell me before she told everyone else. I read the email and I was hit with two emotions exactly at the same time. I was filled with joy for her. She let me know that they’ve had trouble getting pregnant and that made me even happier for her. I was almost bursting with happiness. At the same second, I was filled with grief for myself. How come other people are pregnant?? I’m supposed to be pregnant! I want my baby, I want to be the one who is happy. My baby is dead. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to have a baby.

Both of these emotions manifest themselves in tears, so I was sobbing for a good while there. But then I got it together and then wrote her back and told her all about the happy feelings I had. Everything I said is true. I wish her only the very best and I find myself thinking about her, her husband and those little twin hearts beating! She has an ultrasound this morning and I can barely concentrate while I say little prayers and send her so many little good thoughts.

I think the main reason I’m so excited for her is because I know she really wants these babies. When a baby doesn’t come easily, it is so much more appreciated. I know moms who had easy pregnancies and who got pregnant quickly and I know they love and cherish their children. But I’m happier for the moms who had to struggle to get their babies. You know how people say you can’t have sunshine without the rain? You can’t know how good you have it until you’ve known what it’s like to not have a healthy pregnancy. I’m happy for all pregnant women, but I’m happier for the infertile moms and the babylost moms. They are the ones who celebrate their pregnancies and are really grateful for what they have.