How are you?

Fine, thanks. I have my good times and my bad times, but overall I’m doing better each day. Thanks for asking.

See that! I’m getting better at lying! I’m usually terrible with this and everyone can tell when I’m not telling the truth. I can’t keep secrets from anyone. But I seem to be learning. The trick is to lie to yourself as well.

I don’t ever want to forget how I’m feeling now. What if this happens to one of my friends? I want to be able to remember exactly what I am going through so I can be there for her. I don’t want to just stop asking and stop letting her know that I’m thinking about her just because she says to me one day exactly what I’m saying to everyone now.

Here’s the truth: For the first week, I felt like I had a gaping, bleeding, exposed wound that hurt like nothing has ever hurt before. Then I went back to work and I had to spend 9 hours each day pretending like I was fine. It was like I had one of those tiny band-aids over a huge gash and everyone pretended not to notice. Every night, I came home exhausted and I would rush home to get the crying out before my husband came home.

The next few weeks were better because I told myself I was fine. No one talked to me about the baby and I never mentioned it. About a month after my D&C, my cousin-in-law talked to me briefly and it was like the scab had been pulled off and I’ve been having trouble ever since.

Now it has been just over 6 weeks and I feel like I’m barely alive. Things happen and I don’t even notice. For some reason, I keep thinking it is the middle of winter. I’m surprised every day when it’s 8 pm and the sun is still shining. I’m on some sort of auto pilot. I’m doing everything that is required of me, but I don’t even remember. M has noticed that I’ve been confused lately and I keep forgetting about little things.

I’ll be perfectly fine and in the middle of a conversation with anyone about anything and then someone will say “baby” or something about kids and I’ll completely lose it. It’s not like my friends and family are just sitting there whispering “baby” to upset me. They will use it in normal conversation and I will just be transported back to the doctor’s office. I don’t hear anything for the rest of the day. I’ll find my way to the bathroom and calm myself down and come back with a smile on my face.

Last weekend I was paying bills and I had to pay for our NT scan, which was not covered by insurance. I don’t care about that. I would pay twice that amount that all over again if I had the choice. But I messed up the check twice and we had two bills from the hospital and I couldn’t figure it out. Combine that with the inch of statements I have from the insurance company and I broke down. I had to hide in the bathroom for about 20 minutes to pull myself together.

I don’t want M to know how I’m not dealing well. He cares so much and he always wants to protect me. He can’t bring our baby back and he can’t stop me from thinking about it. I’m afraid that he won’t want to try again because of how much this is hurting me. I’m afraid the blood tests won’t find anything wrong with me and this will keep happening to me.

So, I’m not doing well at all. I feel like I’m living inside a dark fog and the rest of the world is going on without me. Still, 6 weeks later. Thanks for asking.