Maybe you could share it with me

Today I am urging all you beautiful infertile or sad mommas to go out and buy a Mega Millions ticket. We all beat some great odds before, so at least one of us should be able to win something, right?

My baby died somewhere between 12 weeks 3 days and 14 weeks 3 days. We’ll go with my chance of miscarriage for that pregnancy being 5%* (I’ll ignore the fact that it was my second miscarriage). Odds of winning any prize in the Mega Millions drawing: 1 in 40 (that’s 2.5%)!

Do you see what I’m saying here? We have all been on that small side of statistics before – we should take advantage of it. Go get ‘em!

*Please avoid reading this data. I'm only linking this so I can remember the source. Going further into the stuff on this chart is downright depressing.

14 weeks post-pregnancy

Today is a milestone of sorts. It has been 14 weeks and 3 days since the day I found out my baby didn’t have a heartbeat. I was 14 weeks and 3 days pregnant… and then I wasn’t anymore.

I used to say to myself that you had ½ the time you were dating a guy after a breakup to get over him. So, in my mind, I should be over this (twice). I should be moving on.

This past weekend I was able to be happy and do all sorts of things I wouldn’t be able to do if I was still pregnant. I wouldn’t have been able to go tubing behind a speedboat. I wouldn’t have been able to go to three great wineries with some great friends. Last Saturday, I laughed more than I have since May. I was smiling so much and I was happy. I didn’t forget about my baby, but I didn’t feel sad. I missed him, but I was so happy to be where I was right then. That’s progress.

I fell back into my funk on Monday, though. M has confirmed the trip to Hawaii. That pushes our baby making schedule out an extra month. I am rationalizing with myself that an extra 26 days isn’t going to change my life that much. And it won’t. This isn’t a big deal. But it means I have only one chance to get through November 13th with the hope of a new pregnancy. But, hey, I’ve been through worse, right?

How a picture of Africa made me feel better

Yesterday, I got even deeper into my funk of jealousy and sadness. I went to a picnic for M’s office. His boss (the brand-new dad) was there and looked so happy and excited. He even still had the hospital bracelet on because he was headed back to his wife and baby. I was nice to him, but I couldn’t manage much more than a brief hello and congratulations. After walking around for a few minutes, I sat down with some food with the people I know. Then I closed myself up and concentrated on my food. I didn’t look up at all because one girl, Mrs. S, was just a few feet away from me.

Let’s pause briefly while I fill you in: I haven’t talked about her at all on here yet. I can’t seem to say anything nice so I’ve avoided it. Mr.S is M’s coworker (seriously, do I talk about anybody besides his coworkers? Do I have my own life?). Mr.S graduated from college last year and left his girlfriend, Mrs.S, behind to come start work. He went down to visit her a lot and it seemed like they had one of those drama filled relationships. They broke up early this year and Mr.S seemed to be doing a lot better without her. Then they got engaged. Mrs.S found out she was pregnant from a brief reconciliation. She graduated and moved up here with him. They got married a month or two ago. She is due the first week of November. I can’t talk about this much more because I will just spiral into the whole “it’s not fair, I did everything in the right order, I wanted my baby, etc…” rant that we all know too well. I don’t think I need to say how I my jealousy is out of control when I think about Mrs.S. So just thinking of her makes me feel terrible. I have told M several times that I don’t want to be around her. I can’t handle that. Oh, and add this to the mix: After my D&C, Mr.S sent us the nicest most perfect sympathy card in the world. I am a terrible, hateful, spiteful person.

So back to yesterday. There she was, right in front of me in a cute maternity dress with her perfect round belly and Mr.S smiling like the proudest dad-to-be in the world. I swear bluebirds were sitting on their shoulders. And there was me, all oozing green with a raincloud over my head. I ate as much as I could and then ate some more. Eventually, M came down to sit by me and I was able to focus on other conversations. But that didn’t stop me from hearing bits from the conversation nearby between Mr.S, Mrs.S and the boss. Mrs.S (because she is both thoughtful and kind) had brought presents for the boss. Then they all left and I felt a little better. But not much. I couldn’t bring myself up enough to be a fun picnic person, so I took myself home to wallow.

I did some crying and laundry then sat down at the computer to wait until M came home. I went onto facebook and started looking at some pictures that my friend posted. She went to Africa and one picture is just of her looking over her shoulder and smiling with a sunset in the background. It’s beautiful – she looks like she’s smiling right at me. I just stared at this picture and cried. I can’t describe how much better I felt just thinking about her and my other friends and remembering that they love me no matter what. I might not have a baby, but I have them. I am so lucky.

Little Miss Jealous

M’s Boss’s wife had her baby this morning. He announced the pregnancy the day I went to the doctor to confirm my 1st miscarriage. So I might connect her pregnancy to losing that one.



I’m filled with the evil green jealousy monster. I wonder if my skin is getting a nice shade lettuce or if that is just the reflection from a green book nearby. I am oozing with the stuff. I want that to be me. I want it so bad. I can’t even leave a little message of congratulations because I’m afraid everyone will see right through it. You envious little ogre.

What the hell is going to happen to me when these November babies are born?

I'm annoying myself, too.

Just a few minor vents today. I’m still cranky about my steroids. I’m starting to think my bad mood will be permanent. I’ve also chewed all over the inside of my mouth like an e-tard.

You know what pisses me off? Tom Brady. You are a jerk, Tom Brady. I’m sick of US weekly being filled with pictures of Gisele’s baby bump. You both frown so much and I bet this baby wasn’t even planned (US weekly hinted that you are disappointed). I dislike you in a strong way.

I have a few friends (and a few parents) who send me every email forward ever. I’m getting tired of it but I will never say anything to them. Today I got one about how terrorists are going to attack airports in the next month. I assume this means I will get blown up on my fancy trip. Thanks for putting a damper on that! Don’t worry everyone: snopes.com (I love you!) told me that this latest prediction is from July 2005. I’m calm again.

In other news – I have a list next to me with the possible 4 trips that M could be sent on over the next 2 months. All of them have him at home during that oh-so-important time in October. I feel like I’m using him.

And the decision is…

No. We’re not going to TTC early. I brought it up at dinner last night and M thought it would be a good idea. For about 1 second. Then he started shaking his head and said that we can’t try early. He is afraid we’ll lose another one, and he’s not comfortable taking that risk. “The next time you get pregnant, you’re not leaving the house.”

I can’t be mad at him. I really want to try now, but I really am afraid that I’ll miscarry again and then I’d have a terrible case of the what-ifs. I’d blame myself for rushing. I really would be scared the entire time that the stress of a strange location and the flights would hurt a baby. Waiting is the right choice.

I have some hope though: The actual contract for the Hawaii work trip is not approved yet, so maybe no one will have to go (or it could be rescheduled). M also hinted that his coworker (the dad-to-be) might still be interested in going on the trip. So who knows. Keep your fingers crossed!

I feel a little lame complaining about this. I know I’m very lucky to be able to have this vacation and the opportunity to choose when we’ll TTC again. I’m grateful for that.

The big decision

I’ve talked about my big vacation a lot on here. I need to think about it all the time so I can stay excited for something. The big plan is to enjoy our trip and then come home and get right to work on making a baby. Our trip is from September 2nd to September 12th.

M told me last night that he will probably have to go on a work trip from the 13th to the 19th of September. He doesn’t want to do go for normal reasons – we’ll get home from Scotland on the afternoon of the 12th and then he’ll leave for Hawaii* on the morning of the 13th. That is a lot of jet lag. He works with two other guys who could go on the trip, but one of them is already scheduled for a trip that week and the other will be a brand new dad (his wife is due this week) and shouldn’t be away for a whole week.

So, it looks like M will be gone over those critical few days. I’m disappointed. I’ve really been looking forward to getting back on the roller coaster. Missing our try in September means we’ll only have once chance to get pregnant before November. Waking up on November 13th wouldn’t seem so bleak with a baby on the way.

I’ve been thinking for the last week or two that maybe starting a little early would be ok. I could substitute this cycle for the try in September. If it doesn’t work, I could easily convince myself that it wouldn’t have worked in September, either.

Let’s make a list.

Trying in August – Pros
1. A May baby! Perfect weather!
2. Taking a pregnancy test in Europe. Is the positive line on the wrong side over there?
3. Congratulations! Ye ur expectin' a wee bairn in th' sprin'!
4. All the excitement will distract me from POAS addiction.
5. A picture of a positive test on a kilt!
6. If it’s not positive, I will still feel better about not trying in September.
7. Making M mad by telling him we can only choose between Nessie and Wallace for names.
8. Great excuse for not having to try all the beers and scotch and new foods.


Trying in August – Cons
1. I will have the real possibility of losing a pregnancy on the vacation that is supposed to make me feel better about losing two pregnancies.
2. 5 weeks and 3 days falls while M will be on his trip.
3. 14 weeks falls on November 9th, 4 days before my November due date.
4. M is a planner and doesn’t like when I change my mind (and I do that a lot).
5. If I don’t get pregnant, I might feel worse when the September due date arrives.
6. I won’t be able to hide all the POAS I like to do. We’ll be in tiny B&Bs. M might discover how crazy I am.
7. Will customs pull me aside because of all the tests I will take with me (and then all the ones I hope to bring back)?
8. We’ll be at a friend’s vacation house during the critical days in August. I’m kind of a prude and I’m a little afraid of doing that at someone else’s house!
9. Not getting to taste all the wines and beers and scotch.

Those seem about even. I guess I’ll bring it up tonight and see what M thinks. He was disappointed last night when I told him that his trip conflicted with the baby making plans. Maybe he’d be up for a little try.

I’ve spent the morning working researching prednisone (steroids for poison ivy) and the effects on TTC. I don’t want to risk deformities just because I can’t wait 26 more days. Turns out, some REs prescribe prednisone before ovulation to help with implantation. Is that a sign? I’m finished with the pills at the end of next week.

Side note – Preseason football sucks… but it’s better than no football! Hail to the Redskins!

*Awww…. Poor guy… his second trip to Hawaii for work in a year…

That Facebook vent

I feel like everyone has to complain about the wonder of Facebook at some time. I love it, of course. I’m not good at calling my friends, so this way I can keep up on the little things that are going on.

I have the usual complaint that we all have – too many ultrasound pictures. I had to delete a guy because his wife’s u/s and pregnancy pictures popped up for me to see EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’ve hidden people so I don’t see their updates about how great their babies are growing (then I panic and end up peeking at their profiles to make sure doctor appointments are going well).

My own personal facebook problem is that I announced my pregnancy the week of May 10th. My baby was probably already dead when I was getting all the congratulations and excitement. The next week, I had to go back and delete the ultrasound pictures. I just couldn’t bear to see the pictures all the time. I kept the comments congratulating us because I needed some proof that he had existed. After I announced that the baby had died, I got a huge outpouring of support from friends. I was amazed at how much that helped.

But that doesn’t mean everyone saw that we weren’t pregnant anymore. I still get messages from people asking me how the baby is doing. One time, a former coworker started a chat asking me how the pregnancy was going (I never responded). It’s like somebody is punching me in the face each time that happens.

{Complaining removed}

To end on a better note (and since I’m on the topic), here is my favorite category from one of my favorite blogs. You do have to click on the entry title to get the full gloriousness of each entry. So good!

She's pretty as a daisy...

I had a good post idea, but that will have to wait for tomorrow. Today I have one thing on my mind.

ITCHING.

I have no idea what Poison Ivy looks like. Not true… I have a slight idea. It looks like every other weed living plant in my garden. I’m lucky because I don’t usually get a bad rash from it, just a few spots on my fingers for a few days and then it goes away.

Usually. This time is an exception. My neck (yes, what idiot gets poison ivy on her neck?) is bright red, bumpy and itchy. Behind my right ear, under my chin and down my throat. Uck. Ick. Gag.

I also have a spot the size of a pencil eraser on my finger and a little behind my knee.

So, dummy, maybe you should just try wearing gloves? But I hate wearing gloves! I can’t grab right and my hands get all sweaty. I only wear gloves when absolutely necessary, like mulching day and when pregnant (which I’m not… thanks, Garden, for finding a way to remind me).

I’ll just sit here today with my anti-itch cream and stare at the rain and listen to coworkers make fun of me. Perhaps next time I will have M walk around and point the stuff out instead of him telling me later that he saw the poison ivy in my weed pile.

P.S. Do not type “poison ivy” into a Google images search. What idiot does that? I think I’m going to vomit.

Update - Friday Morning.
I went to a Minute Clinic (and God bless the person who came up with that idea) and I got a prescription. I usually would have tried to suck it up and deal, but the rash has crept down between my boobs. Now I'm on the 'roids! I should probably try out for a baseball team this weekend.

Fra-gee-lay!

I think you are supposed to prepare for winning A Major Award and get a speech all ready. I’m not good at that. I’ve tried to think of something profound, but really, this is me we’re talking about.





















So, thank you Stephanie for thinking I’m awesome. I completely agree. I also think you are pretty awesome.

Here are the rules: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I will pass this on to the person I started following most recently:

LuckyOnce at Where's my white picket fence? Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’ll be rooting for you when you decide to start trying again.

And really, I’m so bad at this. I want to give everyone an award and hug you in person.

On another note: Here’s a shout out to my awesome real life friend who has found me here. You said this to me when I found out about my miscarriage: “I am holding you in my mind. Holding you in a safe place where you are allowed to feel anything, say anything, and be the way you need to be right now.” I pull your email out and look at it whenever I feel bad. Thank you for being you.

Held a baby!

I held a baby this weekend! And I didn’t cry at all. I was so afraid to meet R’s little girl, and I’m glad I waited. Just two weeks ago I cried at the IDEA of holding a baby. I held her close and watched her sleep and played with her little toes.

I was at a “book club” meeting. My great friends from high school have a book club as an excuse to get together once every few months. We talk about the book for 10 minutes (or less) and then get distracted. This month’s book was Dead Until Dark, which was great. But I think we talked about Twilight for three times as long as we talked about the actual book.

M held the little girl twice and even soothed her when she started crying. He’s going to be a great dad someday.