How a picture of Africa made me feel better

Yesterday, I got even deeper into my funk of jealousy and sadness. I went to a picnic for M’s office. His boss (the brand-new dad) was there and looked so happy and excited. He even still had the hospital bracelet on because he was headed back to his wife and baby. I was nice to him, but I couldn’t manage much more than a brief hello and congratulations. After walking around for a few minutes, I sat down with some food with the people I know. Then I closed myself up and concentrated on my food. I didn’t look up at all because one girl, Mrs. S, was just a few feet away from me.

Let’s pause briefly while I fill you in: I haven’t talked about her at all on here yet. I can’t seem to say anything nice so I’ve avoided it. Mr.S is M’s coworker (seriously, do I talk about anybody besides his coworkers? Do I have my own life?). Mr.S graduated from college last year and left his girlfriend, Mrs.S, behind to come start work. He went down to visit her a lot and it seemed like they had one of those drama filled relationships. They broke up early this year and Mr.S seemed to be doing a lot better without her. Then they got engaged. Mrs.S found out she was pregnant from a brief reconciliation. She graduated and moved up here with him. They got married a month or two ago. She is due the first week of November. I can’t talk about this much more because I will just spiral into the whole “it’s not fair, I did everything in the right order, I wanted my baby, etc…” rant that we all know too well. I don’t think I need to say how I my jealousy is out of control when I think about Mrs.S. So just thinking of her makes me feel terrible. I have told M several times that I don’t want to be around her. I can’t handle that. Oh, and add this to the mix: After my D&C, Mr.S sent us the nicest most perfect sympathy card in the world. I am a terrible, hateful, spiteful person.

So back to yesterday. There she was, right in front of me in a cute maternity dress with her perfect round belly and Mr.S smiling like the proudest dad-to-be in the world. I swear bluebirds were sitting on their shoulders. And there was me, all oozing green with a raincloud over my head. I ate as much as I could and then ate some more. Eventually, M came down to sit by me and I was able to focus on other conversations. But that didn’t stop me from hearing bits from the conversation nearby between Mr.S, Mrs.S and the boss. Mrs.S (because she is both thoughtful and kind) had brought presents for the boss. Then they all left and I felt a little better. But not much. I couldn’t bring myself up enough to be a fun picnic person, so I took myself home to wallow.

I did some crying and laundry then sat down at the computer to wait until M came home. I went onto facebook and started looking at some pictures that my friend posted. She went to Africa and one picture is just of her looking over her shoulder and smiling with a sunset in the background. It’s beautiful – she looks like she’s smiling right at me. I just stared at this picture and cried. I can’t describe how much better I felt just thinking about her and my other friends and remembering that they love me no matter what. I might not have a baby, but I have them. I am so lucky.