Today is a milestone of sorts. It has been 14 weeks and 3 days since the day I found out my baby didn’t have a heartbeat. I was 14 weeks and 3 days pregnant… and then I wasn’t anymore.
I used to say to myself that you had ½ the time you were dating a guy after a breakup to get over him. So, in my mind, I should be over this (twice). I should be moving on.
This past weekend I was able to be happy and do all sorts of things I wouldn’t be able to do if I was still pregnant. I wouldn’t have been able to go tubing behind a speedboat. I wouldn’t have been able to go to three great wineries with some great friends. Last Saturday, I laughed more than I have since May. I was smiling so much and I was happy. I didn’t forget about my baby, but I didn’t feel sad. I missed him, but I was so happy to be where I was right then. That’s progress.
I fell back into my funk on Monday, though. M has confirmed the trip to Hawaii. That pushes our baby making schedule out an extra month. I am rationalizing with myself that an extra 26 days isn’t going to change my life that much. And it won’t. This isn’t a big deal. But it means I have only one chance to get through November 13th with the hope of a new pregnancy. But, hey, I’ve been through worse, right?
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8 comments:
(((HUGS))) No one expects you to move on or get over this.
Only a month, but waiting is so hard.
Is there anyway you can sneak into a suitcase to Hawaii??
When you say a month it seems so short but I have learned in the world of IF it is like eternity! I'm sorry about that.
Our baby's due date is next month. the 12th. I knew this date that was fastly approaching could be hard. I was hoping to be PG and maybe that would help. And now I am and things aren't looking good for this one either. I'm sorry I can't think of any comforting words today for you, but we have to always hold on to...yes, one day we WILL be wonderful Mommy's. Just praying the Journey there is almost over.
I'm glad you've been enjoying yourself this summer. After being so sad for so long, it's nice to recognize fun and how much you've missed it.
I feel you on the Hawaii situation. I'll be in Vegas by myself for my next cycle days 13-19. Perfect, huh?
Oh sweetie, I'd say it takes a lifetime to get over the loss of a baby, until you meet again someday . . . but in time the day to day reminders are such sharp tacks, and things become more dull and fuzzy, until something (a date, an anniversary, a smell, etc.) bring it back front and center.
I think it's lovely that you were able to have a good weekend and laugh. I felt so guilty anytime I smiled or laughed after our losses . . . and angry at others for doing so. How could I, or they, be happy, after such a terrible thing had happened to us (and repeatedly).
Be kind to your self and your emotions, up one day, down the next. Moving forward, stuck still, and everything in-between and sideways, too. Try to treat yourself with the same empathy and patience as you would a close friend in the same situation.
XOXO.
Yes you have been through worse...
Hon, there is no time table for grieving... Dont feel like you have to rush through. One day at a time...
I'm glad you got your laughter back after so much sadness...it does take time - I remember the first time I truly felt happy and laughed out loud (after the 1st m/c) it felt so good to feel something other than grief and sadness. Going through this journey has had more valleys than peaks for us so far, but we will get to that peak soon.That's all that keeps me going. Try not to think too much about the loss of a month's 'chance' - rather - when DH is away, do something that you love, treat yourself to a new experience that will help rejuvenate your soul. ((hugs))
The things that remind us where we should have been, what we should have been doing... They can be so hard.
I'm glad you had a good time this weekend and hope that you enjoy your trip to Hawaii too.
I have been saying every week...I would have been 20 weeks pregnant now, I would have been 22, 23, 24 etc. :(
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