Grateful

This is always my most conflicted time of the year. The searing pain has faded, but the general feeling of sadness is still there. Four years ago today, it was my last day of a seemingly normal pregnancy. I was visiting friends and wearing maternity pants (maybe even the same ones I am wearing today). I had no inkling that everything would end the next morning.

I feel guilty spending so much time dwelling on the baby that isn't here. I'm distracted by planning a birthday party and huge birthday surprise for W (a playset in the backyard!). But I also have had extra time to think. Every night this week, I've been sitting in the dirt clearing a garden around the area where the new playset will sit. It took a long time. I had time to think. Our lives would be completely different if we had that baby. The biggest difference would be that we wouldn't have W and I can't comprehend that. We'd still have a little boy, just older. Maybe we'd have a second kid by now. I try not to dwell on all of this. I don't want to wish away the life I have right now, the amazing kid that W is becoming and the tiny baby that always assures me that he or she is just fine whenever I need it. 

I wish I could send this post back in time to myself four years ago. I remember people trying to tell me about how they knew about some girl who had a miscarriage and then had a baby soon afterwards and she was happy now. Hooray for her, she's not me. What about the pain I was experiencing? What if I didn't have that success story? 

And now I am that girl. I am that story. I am so grateful. 

27 Weeks and heartburn!

The heartburn really isn't that bad yet. But it happens a lot! 

My mother's day was absolutely wonderful. We had lots of family time and M took W to the bathroom as often as he could. I didn't have to wipe anyone's butt yesterday! 

The baby seems to have moved up in my belly this week. All of the movement was low and seemed to be happening in my underbelly. The baby would kick me right in my c-section scar and it was actually getting to be a little painful. Now it is up and I can feel the kicks from the top of my belly and now they are fun movements and don't make me wince. We felt a butt (or a head) over the weekend sticking out a bit. It was fun to "play" with the baby for the first time. 

I came out on facebook after my appointment last week. I put up a picture showing W in his Big brother t-shirt. It was a small collage idea that I got from pintrest. I mainly did it because I want to use it in my scrapbook. It felt weird to post the news as I enter the 3rd trimester instead of the 2nd. At least my distant friends will all feel that my pregnancy is very quick. 

I was hesitant to put the announcement up. I knew that I wanted to do it, but I'd been putting it off for a while. I didn't want to hurt my SIL or any of my friends who are still dealing with infertility and loss. But I also didn't want to just start posting pictures of a newborn all of the sudden. 

So then I started wondering what people would think. I haven't been shy about speaking out about miscarriage on facebook. I post every October 15th about it. I will post articles that I find if they are interesting. I posted one of those inspirational photos yesterday about moms in mourning. I didn't say anything in the pregnancy announcement about my losses leading up to this pregnancy. I wanted to focus on the positive. Did anyone see it and think, "It's so easy for her. I wish it were like that for me." Or maybe, "I hope this one came easier for her." Or even, "There's a story of hope there." I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings. 

It’s not about me this time

This is the first time the table has turned. It’s always been about how I feel when the people around me are pregnant and how I feel because I’m not. We spent yesterday evening with my SIL and BIL while they dealt with the aftermath from Friday’s blood draw. Her numbers didn’t go up by much at all and the bleeding has gotten worse. An ultrasound didn’t find a sack. Now she’s going to have a few more blood draws and those follow up appointments that seem to be a punishment for everything.

It hurts.

I’m not going to make this about my pain, but I am sad about all this means for our family. I’d started daydreaming about two little cousins in matching outfits and pictures with me and SIL and huge bellies. I even was a little jealous in a happy way. It was going to be great.

I’m doing the best I can to be the person that I always needed. I have some great models. I have a friend who has always said and done the right thing and another friend whose pregnancy never made me feel upset. I’m also going to remember everything that I felt towards pregnant people in my life. Really, it’s not going to be hard for me. Since I’ve lived through this so many times myself, I’ve always tried to be mindful of who is around me and how they might be feeling (because you don’t always know). You’ll never hear me complain (except for here and I try to limit it even then) or say one word negative about this baby. I am grateful every day for what I have.

I hope and hope that this will be the only hardship they will face on their way to a baby. I remember very clearly how scary it is to have this happen and all the questions and fears I had when this happened to me. You are told how common it is, but it doesn’t make any difference. Within the next few weeks, several people will announce their pregnancies and you will pretend to be happy.  You’ll remember at the worst times and have to do everything to not cry.

And then, to make it all worse, your sister in law is pregnant and you have to see her at every family function.

I promise to be there for you. I promise to do everything I can to help you through this. You will get through it.

Peace

Well, not completely. But I am doing better. I’m going to get really cheesy here. Bear with me.

Do you sometimes have songs that fit so well where you are in your life? I have a lot. One is “Gotta get through this” By Daniel Bedingfield. It came out when I was working on my thesis for my master’s degree and it was the one I blasted while I was preparing my defense. I hate research and I hate presentations. I already had a job lined up. I just had to get through it and life would be awesome.

Have you heard the song “I will wait” by Mumford and Sons? I was having a sad feeling afternoon during my drive home, just thinking about all this crap and how I was mad. Then this song came on. I can’t really understand all of it because I’m old, but I just kept hearing I will wait for you. And it all came together. I had to wait to get W. I would wait for him again. He was worth every second of pain and darkness.

These days of dust
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

That is what I need to focus on.

I will wait. I will wait for you.  

Feeling Sad

This kind of came on suddenly. But I think it's par for the course. Last time I felt fine for a while and then got pretty upset about it all over again. I should know to expect these ups and downs.

And I know why I'm sad. The parade of March babies has begun. I'm so happy for my friends. I was bursting with excitement last night and this morning when I got the news and learned the name of a baby I'm going to love so much.

But still. It hurts. I'll be there again someday. Just not soon enough. This month is going to be rough for me. Two more babies to go. I'll be so happy. Then I'll cry some more. I'll get through it.

Body Issues

I feel chatty today. Just a warning. I'm all over the place here.

Yesterday I went into a certain cheap clothing store to get some yoga pants. Not because I do yoga or anything, but because I like to wear sweatpants around the house. M thinks that sweatpants are gross and make me look like I’m letting myself go. We had a “rule” at our house that sweatpants could not be worn before 8 pm. That “rule” kind of faded with all of my exceptions (rain, dark, snow, pregnancy, post-pregnancy, periods, bad day, hungry, cold, etc). Now it is a joke because I come home from work and sometimes find him already in sweatpants. The yoga pants are a great compromise. My butt looks good and I’m comfy. We’re both happy!

While I was browsing, I saw that the jeans were only $19! Hooray! I spent a long time standing and deciding what shape and what size and what everything. It requires some real analysis of your own body right there in the front of the store. I thought critically about myself and my needs and then picked out two styles and headed back to try on. The fitting room lady told me that someone in the store could asses my jeans needs and tell me which type I need. I’m not cool with that. I picked my own, thanks.

This is where the post gets appropriate for a pregnancy blog.

I’m not really into diets or weight loss. I don’t usually obsess over my body shape. I’m pretty comfortable. But this weird no-woman’s land is getting me down. I don’t fit into any of my pants. I could do something about it, but I want to get pregnant soon (trying again this summer… we decided we didn’t want a winter baby). There’s no reason for me to bust my ass just to get fat all over again. I could buy new pants, but they would just be good for a few months before they (hopefully) wouldn’t fit right again. All of my work pants are too tight or too loose. I bought some jeans in January, but I was having a fat, grumpy day. You can imagine how well those fit when I’m trying to go out to a fancy bar in NYC with some friends! Ha!

SAGGY BUTT!!!

So I picked two pairs out of the four. One in each style. One that does not have saggy butt and one that does not produce muffin top. Nowhere in the world will I ever find $19 jeans that eliminate saggy butt and muffin top. The muffin top pants are not REALLY bad. And the saggy butt pants are also not REALLY bad. They will do for now. And they will each meet some needs.

I deserve it. I’m good enough for $19 jeans!

In other news: I’m doing very well. Having a real plan helps me move on. I’m also pretty good at Not Thinking About It. When my mind starts wandering down the …how far along would I be… road, I need to stop and take a breath. I can’t tell you right now how far along I would be. Now I really want to check, but I won’t let myself. That helps. Denial is awesome.

We’re going to try again in June or July. M wants June… I’m leaning towards July. We’ll see if I keep that resolve when June actually arrives. I have a pretty busy March followed by an insanely busy April and then a sort of busy May. Hopefully the time will fly. I’m thinking a lot about what happens next time and the thoughts aren’t all sunshine and unicorns. I mean, who seriously debates morning vs. afternoon appointments because of the availability of surgery the next day?

Now that I’ve brought everyone down… some cheery W stuff!

W still astonishes me every day. He’s been slow to talk, but now it seems like he has a new word every day. Ernie! Hug! Apple! He’s in a toddler bed now and makes me lay down with him each night for some cuddles. I’m a softie. I love it. I spent a weekend away and was terrified that M would have trouble getting him to sleep. But he did just fine without me, proving that I am the problem when it comes to too many cuddles. But really, how could I not cuddle that kid? Every second I have with him seems like a miracle. I’m amazed every day that he exists, that he is mine. I tell myself every night that I’m so lucky that I get to rock him to sleep. The poor kid, I’ll still be rocking him to sleep when he’s 10.

How I'm feeling now

It’s been 2 weeks since we found out there is no baby. I am doing much better than I did last time. Physically, I’m back to normal. I bled for about a week. It was just like a regular period. I’m finished with the antibiotics (those were a pain – I had to take them 1 hour before eating or 2 hours after eating. I rarely go 3 hours without eating). My boobs have gone back to normal size. I’m taking the normal one-a-day vitamin. I need to start taking folic acid again (which I will always take as long as we don’t have any kind of “real” birth control going on). Maybe tomorrow.

Again, this is not as hard as last time. Having W is the difference. How can I be sad with that little boy running through the house shouting “GO! GO! GO!” I KNOW that I can have a baby. I really believe that I will have another one. Knowing that is a huge help. Last time I wasn’t so sure. I’m really just writing to remember. I’ve been re-reading my posts from the last time and it helps me so much to know that I got through that.

One thing is different. I am surrounded by pregnant people that are close to me. My neighbor. My cousin. My sister in law. My close friend. Another good friend. And that doesn’t count the baby born last week to friends on our street. Last time I had one pregnant friend and she knew everything and I never felt anything but happiness for her. I feel different to each one. I’m writing out all of those feelings here. It’s hard to explain why I feel so different towards every single pregnant person I know. I always think of the pregnant people who ask, “how do I act around my friend who just had a miscarriage?” There is no one size fits all. I’m all over the place and I’m one person!

I’m happy and nervous for my neighbor. She’s had a hard pregnancy and really doesn’t complain that much. They’ve been cautious about the pregnancy and I’ve heard them say “if” and “hopefully” a few times. They don’t have any history that would make them talk this way, but it kind of makes me feel like they appreciate this more. I haven’t spent a lot of time with them in the past two weeks. We were there for a few minutes on Sunday after the D&C and I had a hard time trying to cheer her up when she talked about some of the problems she is facing (early contractions and possible bedrest). In a weird way, I want to do everything I can for her. I want to help her and I want everything to be perfect.

Of course I’m over the moon excited about my cousin and my sister in law. I’m also devastated that I won’t be adding to the family in the same year. It’s going to be hard for me when these babies start arriving. My cousin (due in March) knows that we wanted to start trying, but doesn’t know what happened. I don’t really want to tell her. I’m going to see her in a few weeks to give her a few of our baby things (to borrow… who knows when I’ll need them back). My SIL asked me constantly and wanted us to be pregnant together. I ended up telling her the news the last time she asked. I didn’t want her to ask me all the time. She was kind of upset that I hadn’t told her about the pregnancy the day we found out and begged me to not make her wait until 12 weeks next time. I told her she will have to wait until we see a heartbeat no matter what.

The close friend due in march… she’s the one that has been rubbing me the wrong way. It’s not the first time that she’s said something out of place or made me feel bad. This time was a real doozy, though. “If it makes you feel any better the stupid iron supplement is making me constipated as anything. Did the doc say how long until you guys can start trying again?” I’ve limited my contact with her since receiving that email. I really don’t know what to say to that. We normally have lunch once a week – I bowed out last week and was very happy to find out she couldn’t make it this week. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to see her again. I’ve been planning a small sprinkle for her (this is her second baby), but I’ve lost my enthusiasm for it. I’m letting another friend take the lead on that.

I just found out about the other good friend. We had a guy friend over last weekend and he told us about it. I didn’t feel upset when I heard the news. I haven’t cried and thought “WHY NOT ME!” or anything. I’ll see her this weekend for the superbowl. I want to make sure she knows that I’m happy and that I want to hear about it. Now that I think about it, I should email her. I don’t think she knows that I know. I don’t want her to be afraid of telling me or feel like she can’t be happy around me. She does know about this loss, her husband was at the bachelor party that M was supposed to go to. He told all of his guy friends – I said there was no reason to keep it a secret, why make them wonder why he was missing something like that?

The last one, and one I feel pretty upset about, is the baby born last week. The parents are very nice people (too nice to be our friends) and they have a son that is 7 months older than W. That means they had a baby right about when our November baby should have been born. I remember them telling us they were pregnant with their older son and listening to the dad talk about how he couldn’t wait to hold the baby and smell that sweet newborn smell. This was a few weeks after that loss for us and it was a bit much for me to deal with (they didn’t know). We’ve become friends with them and our boys play together all the time and go to the same daycare. Having their new baby born a few days after this D&C has been rough. I’ve said the right things and sent them congratulations, but I can’t bring myself to go see the baby. Or listen to them ask when we’re going to have another. Again.

That’s what’s really bothering me this time around. I’ve been asked at least 5 times when we’re having another baby. Daycare, family that doesn’t know, neighbors, co-workers. It’s hard not to feel down on myself when these conversations come up. I want to shout at them all to shut up. Tell them that my body just can’t do it right. I kind of want to make them feel bad for asking. But I don’t. I tell them all “Someday” and change the subject.

I don’t really know the answer to that question anyway. M and I haven’t discussed it. We do need to talk about it because I need to have a plan in place. Maybe tomorrow.

My follow up appointment is tomorrow. I’ll get checked out. Maybe some more bloodwork. She’ll tell me to wait 2-3 cycles and then try again.

A valentine

Faces of Loss presented this monthly challenge:
February’s topic: Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. Write about something special a friend, family member, or other loved one did for you after your baby(ies) died that really touched your heart.

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This post is a long time coming. Sometimes my posts turn into love fests for my friends, but this one is going start out that way. It might get gushy.

I’ve posted about this friend before. She’s made comments. We’re friends in real life. Back in that summer of 2009, she let me know that she had found my blog. I knew that she was following other blogs in this community, so that wasn’t a surprise. It was hard to decide to start writing when I knew a real-life friend would probably discover what I wrote. I didn’t want to ever edit my feelings or be afraid to share something. So I sat for a while and decided that I knew she was compassionate enough not to judge me if I said something crazy. I knew she wouldn’t go around and tell everyone what a nutter I was for *still* being sad. And I was right.

This friend made me feel better on the day I sent the email to my friends telling them that my baby was dead. I remember typing that up and crying and hoping that no one would call me. I think I even put in there that I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.

I kept her reply. It was perfect.

“I am holding you in my mind. Holding you in a safe place where you are allowed to feel anything, say anything, and be the way you need to be right now.”

We all have the problem of real-life friends not quite understanding what’s happening in our brains. We have to listen to them say crappy stuff. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life and I didn’t have to deal with that much. But to have someone who could understand me in my daily life is truly unique. I’m blessed to have this friend around me.

Having W was a turning point in my life. I’ve said over and over how different emotions kind of knock me out every now and then. I wouldn’t change anything about my life because it got me here, and my losses got me to him. He is everything to me. How can I love him so much and be thankful for him while knowing that I only have him because my other two babies died? How can I honor their memories while also saying that I wouldn’t change anything because of him?

My friend gave me this bracelet when she met W. And it is perfect. I keep it in my pocket almost all of the time. I can’t wear it because of tiny grabby hands, but I reach in and squeeze it. It’s one of my most prized possessions.

Perfect. My baby’s name. His birthstone. Two tiny pomegranate memories at each end. Perfect.

Thank you for being my friend.

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My Faces of Loss Page

The day I found out my friend found my blog

The Common Thread

My friend's aunt's store

The not-so-exciting shower

I have a work shower coming up. Soon. Like Friday soon.

{drama removed}

For the record, I don’t have any of these fears about my real shower, where I will be surrounded by women that I really like and will be a great time.

Thank you notes

This is one of my favorite websites: Alphamom

The writers (I’m not even sure if there are more than one!) are awesome and seem like normal people. The pregnancy calendar is frickin fantastic and the advice column is one of the few where I don’t get angry at the columnist for being an idiot (good advice: Carolyn Hax, bad advice: Friend or Foe*).

Right, so back on topic. Today’s Advice Smackdown is from a woman who had a stillborn son. She was wondering about writing the thank you notes for all the wonderful things people had done for her. I was there (although not exactly in her shoes)and I remember the awfulness of those cards. Actually making the cards was wonderful and therapeutic (I’m crafty and I make my own cards. You wouldn’t ever guess that because I’m an engineer). Writing the actual thank you notes was terrible. I cried through every single one. I broke down in the middle and told M that I wasn’t supposed to be writing these cards. I was supposed to be taking care of a baby soon. I got them out before I even went back to work because I just needed to get that chore out of the way.

Amy’s advice today was perfect. I saw that a few people from our side of the web have chimed in on the comments. I’m going to keep this in the back of my mind – you know the things you remember *just in case* this happens to someone else. I never thought to offer to write someone else’s thank you notes. But now I will. I’ll bring over dinner and leave with a list of notes to write. And to never, ever expect one in return.

*So I think Friend or Foe sucks. It's not bad today, but if you are bored, go back to the early days and see what you can find. I read it because I love train wrecks.

24 Week Appointment

I had my 24 week appointment this morning. Everything went great. I saw the doctor for about 5 minutes. She found the heartbeat immediately and then the baby moved, so she found it again. We were steady in the 140s. I will probably have the 1-hour glucose test at my next appointment in 4 weeks. I say probably because the doctor talked to me about it, but forgot to write it on the form. The lady scheduling appointment is going to make sure. My office doesn’t require fasting or anything before the test, so it will be fine if I have it and fine if I don’t.

A girl came in while we were waiting. She was there for a miscarriage follow-up. She had some questions about the paperwork and I knew what she was asking about. I wanted to run up to the counter and hug her and tell her that there are so many of us out here. But I knew that I couldn’t do it. I would have been so upset if someone had done that to me. I kept a look out for her when I was in the back doing the regular appointment stuff, but I didn’t see her. I remember sitting in the same waiting room and not looking at anyone because I didn’t want to see a smiling pregnant woman. So I sent her lots of little prayer and kept my face down. I hate hearing that this keeps happening.

Thanks for all the great comments on my last post. I checked on the tree this morning and hasn’t had any more damage. The picture is a “before” picture. I don’t want to take an after picture… so sad. M painted the office/nursery closet over the weekend, so I wasn’t allowed to get on the computer while the paint dried. Thank you!! Hopefully I’ll be able to catch up on ICLW today!

My Tree

Friday was a bad day.

We were getting ready to have our neighbors over for dinner when M came up the stairs and told me that the deer had eaten our little tree. I thought he meant a sad holly we planted a few years ago that just can't seem to keep up. He didn't. He meant the little tree in the backyard that my mom gave us in May. The little tree that I almost think of as my son.

I cried. I'm still crying.

I know he's not really in the tree, but I feel like I failed him. I went out during the snow storms to make sure the little tree was still upright, I watered it all summer. I love that tree.

And I failed him. I left it unprotected and now it looks like a sad stick in the ground.

I cried the kind of sobs that make husbands cry. He tried to calm me down because he didn't want me to do any harm to our new baby, but I couldn't stop. Then he did what men do best. He fixed the problem. He stood up and said, "Let's go." We went to home depot and bought a little wire fence and he installed it immediately, even though he should have been preparing dinner for our friends.

I'm still so sad about this, but I can't stop feeling grateful for M. I heard him go outside this morning to check on the tree. He already is the best father in the world. I am so lucky to have him.

So Much to Say

I should have posted over the weekend. I can’t believe how much stuff I need to talk about! I’ll go in reverse order.

Appointment:

I had my doctor appointment Monday at 4 pm. Only one doctor was there, so we had to wait forever. That was fine. I read a magazine and M looked at a Chesapeake Bay picture book. I’m afraid we’re going to be driving around looking for spots he found in the book. The was the first appointment for this pregnancy where I wasn’t afraid. The baby was kicking me while we were waiting, and I was so happy to be able to relax. The nurse didn’t even pause or make a face when she took my blood pressure! I gained some weight, too (although the weight might have been the gigantic pit beef sandwich I had for lunch!). The baby’s heart rate was in the 140s the entire time. We got to hear it for a while because I asked the doctor some questions and she held the Doppler on my stomach while she answered them.

My questions and answers:
Q: Can you recommend a place for infant CPR?
A: Check out the American Heart Association website. I didn’t think this was very helpful. The only thing I could find was a kit so you can learn at home. I see the good points – We could do this whenever we wanted and then pass it on to family and friends. The bad points are that you don’t have an instructor watching you to tell you if your technique is wrong. That makes me nervous. I found some classes that the county offers for free. It is a long class, 8:30 – 1:30 on a Saturday. But you learn everything CPR related. That can’t hurt. I’ll talk to M to see if he has a preference.

Q: How long do you allow a pregnancy to last before induction?
A: If all is going well, they will induce at 41 weeks. If I get dilated and stall out around 3 cm for a week or so, they will induce after 39 weeks. This is only for normal sized babies and no health problems. I just wanted to know the policy.

Q: What do I need to do for cord blood donation?
A: Information is on this website. I think this website (you have to register) is run by a cord blood bank, so they make the donation sound like a terrible idea. We are more interested in donation, so I need to research a little more. I need to talk to my mom about this, too.

Q: Now that I’m feeling movement, when should I call if I notice a decrease in activity?
A: If I go more than a day without feeling anything, I can call and they’ll take a look at the baby. I am supposed to drink juice and then lay down to check for movement before calling (I’ve heard this everywhere). Around 24 weeks, I should start paying more attention and call if I don’t feel anything for a few hours. I’ve already noticed a pattern – I’ll have one day of crazy activity followed by a day or two of just random kicking.

Movement:

Like I said to the doctor, the kicks/punches are getting more and more regular and harder. M was able to feel one over the weekend. He’s so impatient! He’ll hold his hand there for about 10 seconds and then say he can’t feel anything. This one time, the baby had good timing and got him with a good, strong punch right in the palm of his hand.

Christmas:

Christmastime was great. We went to my parent’s house on Christmas eve and had brunch with friends and then dinner with my dad’s sister’s family. My brother and his family came over for breakfast on Christmas, my other brother and his wife came over for dinner. Then we went home so we could have M’s parents over for breakfast on Saturday. We spent Saturday afternoon at M’s aunt’s house with that entire side of the family. Then I passed out from exhaustion. Sunday and Monday were pure at-home days. We organized our closets and got rid of 7 trash bags of clothes. I moved everything I can’t wear out of reach and my closet looks empty. I have some generous friends and family! So many people gave me maternity clothes for my birthday and Christmas. I have plenty to wear for the next few months! Two people gave me maternity clothes to borrow. I had a fashion show for M. My friend’s clothes were fine, but M’s aunt’s clothes were hysterical. They were pretty old and I think that elastic may not have been invented for these clothes. She had 2 jumpsuits (I don’t know what else to call them). They were pants that kind of had a tank top attached to them? And had all the room you could ever need for a baby. I almost kept those just for the story. M would not let me take a picture.

That whole coworker situation:

{Removed so I don't have to worry about this biting me in the ass one day}

Sorry for the all over the place post! I’m caught up here now. I have 66 unread blogs in my reader!!

Bump picture to come tomorrow or the day after. I completely missed week 20!

20 Weeks!

Ohhhh-oh We’re halfway there!!!
OOOHHHH OHH! Livin’ on a prayer!!!
Take my hand and we’ll make it, I swear!

I hope that made your day. What’s better than a little Bon Jovi to light up the morning? My absolute favorite Bon Jovi song is “I Wish Everyday Could be Like Christmas” because it is true and beautiful. Bon Jovi, you speak to my soul….

Right, where was I? 20 whole weeks pregnant? With a baby that kicks me and lets me know s/he’s still there?

The good: The kicks, the flips, the acid reflux! I’m starting to feel like a real pregnant woman! I spent all weekend with a baby who wouldn’t slow down. My heart just bursts with all this activity. I could cry right now. I could cry at any second. I cry a lot because I’m so full of love and happiness this Christmas.

I loved this snowstorm over the weekend. I couldn’t shovel, so I got to follow around a 5 year old neighbor who wanted to walk around in other people’s footprints. I promise I tried to get her to not eat the icicle she picked off a car… but I kind of wanted to do it too.

M is being so cute with the snow and ice. Whenever we walk outside, he holds my hand and takes me to the car door so I won’t slip. I wish I could say this was just because of the pregnancy. It’s really because I fall down a lot anyway.

My zits seem to have cleared up. This could mean that they will come back full force just in time for Christmas. Hooray!

M and I were talking last night about how the baby can hear us. This, of course, led to us wondering if the baby can hear him fart. We will be wonderful, mature parents!

The bad: The baby barely moved at all on Monday, which had my head spinning. But the movement came back full force on Tuesday!!!

The ugly: The emotions. {Some stuff removed}

The good thing about being awake all night? Someone else was awake with me and getting a lot of exercise. I love it.
The other good thing about being so awake? I came in to work at 6:45 so I’m out of here at 3:45 pm for Christmas Vacation!!!! I probably won’t be updating over the holiday since I’ll be all over the place.

Merry, Merry Christmas!!!

Tuesday

After all my complaining about no one congratulating us on this pregnancy, I got some Christmas cards over the weekend with little notes of excitement in them. That’s something, so I’ll take it!

One of the cards was from M’s Great Aunt J. Aunt J is a nun from Boston who is somewhere around 80 years old. If you know any nuns in their 80s, then you know that they tend to be amazing people. She sent me a prayer card for St. Gerard, the patron saint of expectant mothers. She wrote in her note how she was praying for us and all sorts of stuff that had me sobbing like a fool. She even enclosed a tissue for my tears. A few hours later, I was showing M’s mom the prayer card when a little medal fell out of the tissue. Turns out she wasn’t trying to make me cry!! I keep this with me now whenever I’m awake. If I’m wearing a low-cut shirt (which is all the time), I keep it in my pocket.

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{Removed some complaining}

Another coworker brought in cornbread and came over to let me know as soon as she got here. She is concerned that I’m not big enough and wants me to eat all I can. I think I’m in love with her.

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Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I guess 30 isn’t so bad. Here are some pictures of my birthday snow!

I know they're happy for me, but...

I was thinking about the post I wrote about the different reactions I’m getting to this pregnancy. I’d like to make a comparison. Tons of people sent cards filled with joy and good wishes when we announced our pregnancy in mid-May. We had already gotten cards from our moms, who sent them over within a week of getting our news. We got a rush of cards after the big announcement. We even got cards after my D&C.

Let’s talk about those cards that arrived after the miscarriage. One card showed up the day we found out our baby didn’t have a heartbeat. Another two followed in the next day or two. That last wave of cards was rough, I admit it. I cried when the card M’s grandmother sent arrived the day of my D&C. I cried a lot. I did feel like I had taken so much away from her. I gathered the cards up and hid them under the bed. I haven’t looked at them since. But I remember them and I remember the joy that our friends and family had for us.

Afterwards, we got a whole new set of cards. I think we got more sympathy cards than congratulatory cards. Cards and flowers and food and notes and I cherished each one. Everything made me cry, but I still felt the love they sent. A little cry is worth knowing that someone loves you.

I wish – and not in a selfish way – that I could get some of the joy from those first cards now. We keep our cards on a table in the kitchen. I have exactly one bright baby card with a cute little onesie on it and I was so happy to get this one card. I keep it right in the front. It is from my mom’s coworker. It’s not from my mom or my mother in law. It’s not from a friend or relative who couldn’t wait to look at baby cards for us.

This isn’t me complaining about the number of cards I have. This is me feeling guilty because maybe I scared people away from feeling happy for us. This is me upset because other people are too afraid to acknowledge this pregnancy in a concrete way. This is me knowing I’m the reason I don’t have any congratulatory cards. I wish I could be positive and rub my belly and say WHEN about my baby. I wish I wasn’t scaring everyone away from me with my disclaimers after every sentence.

I know what they are thinking. They don’t want me to lose this baby and then get a card the next day. I know because I am living this. I have one scrapbook page from my pregnancy in the spring. I made a cute page with pictures of the positive test and wrote about how happy and excited we were. Then I lost the baby a few days later. I have no scrapbook pages for this one. I was afraid to put anything about the positive pregnancy test in our Scotland photo album. Hell, I'm afraid to send people congratulatory cards when I hear they are pregnant. I’m not a good example.

If if if

Things are looking up. I cried yesterday because M came home and I was making chicken fajitas. He had told me on the phone we would make stir-fry for dinner. And I cried. And cried. And cried. Then I cried more because poor M was getting home from a terrible day at work at 7:30 pm to a crazy wife who was crying about the wrong chicken.

But then he laughed at me a little and said I was making him feel better because I was sobbing into his armpit.

The tide of emotions for Friday is starting to come in. Part of me thinks I should stay home from work. But won’t that just be worse? Sitting on my couch watching Ellen and crying? I could at least sit here and cry a little in the bathroom. As usual, I must add the side note that this is assuming everything will go well at the appointment on Thursday.

On that note, does anyone read Busted Babymaker? Back when she was waiting for her Toddle, she always said “if” and “maybe” and never “when.” I didn’t understand why she was so negative about her pregnancy. But here I am, doing the exact same thing. My loss is so different from hers, so much earlier and one baby. But I get it now. Even when I think about this pregnancy in my head, I have to say if. I can’t ever assume things will be ok. When I think about our son, I remember how I would talk about when Thanksgiving came and how we would have this little baby. Now I say that I hope I’ll still be pregnant at Thanksgiving so I can wear my belly band and have more room for mashed potatoes.

How can I function in the normal world? I cringe when people around me say when about my pregnancy. I have to correct them in my head. I can’t hear their positive voices. This weekend, my (wonderful, lovely, perfect, pretty) friend said something like, “This is something you can do to keep busy when you’re in labor.” And I said in my head, “Hopefully! Hopefully!” But, really, if she had said, “This is something you can do to keep busy if you ever get to the point where you’re in labor,” I would be crying and sad and hurt. So I need that positivity from the people around me. I won’t ever say when, but I need to hear it.

54 more hours. It feels weird to count down to something that could be devastating.

14 weeks post-pregnancy

Today is a milestone of sorts. It has been 14 weeks and 3 days since the day I found out my baby didn’t have a heartbeat. I was 14 weeks and 3 days pregnant… and then I wasn’t anymore.

I used to say to myself that you had ½ the time you were dating a guy after a breakup to get over him. So, in my mind, I should be over this (twice). I should be moving on.

This past weekend I was able to be happy and do all sorts of things I wouldn’t be able to do if I was still pregnant. I wouldn’t have been able to go tubing behind a speedboat. I wouldn’t have been able to go to three great wineries with some great friends. Last Saturday, I laughed more than I have since May. I was smiling so much and I was happy. I didn’t forget about my baby, but I didn’t feel sad. I missed him, but I was so happy to be where I was right then. That’s progress.

I fell back into my funk on Monday, though. M has confirmed the trip to Hawaii. That pushes our baby making schedule out an extra month. I am rationalizing with myself that an extra 26 days isn’t going to change my life that much. And it won’t. This isn’t a big deal. But it means I have only one chance to get through November 13th with the hope of a new pregnancy. But, hey, I’ve been through worse, right?

How a picture of Africa made me feel better

Yesterday, I got even deeper into my funk of jealousy and sadness. I went to a picnic for M’s office. His boss (the brand-new dad) was there and looked so happy and excited. He even still had the hospital bracelet on because he was headed back to his wife and baby. I was nice to him, but I couldn’t manage much more than a brief hello and congratulations. After walking around for a few minutes, I sat down with some food with the people I know. Then I closed myself up and concentrated on my food. I didn’t look up at all because one girl, Mrs. S, was just a few feet away from me.

Let’s pause briefly while I fill you in: I haven’t talked about her at all on here yet. I can’t seem to say anything nice so I’ve avoided it. Mr.S is M’s coworker (seriously, do I talk about anybody besides his coworkers? Do I have my own life?). Mr.S graduated from college last year and left his girlfriend, Mrs.S, behind to come start work. He went down to visit her a lot and it seemed like they had one of those drama filled relationships. They broke up early this year and Mr.S seemed to be doing a lot better without her. Then they got engaged. Mrs.S found out she was pregnant from a brief reconciliation. She graduated and moved up here with him. They got married a month or two ago. She is due the first week of November. I can’t talk about this much more because I will just spiral into the whole “it’s not fair, I did everything in the right order, I wanted my baby, etc…” rant that we all know too well. I don’t think I need to say how I my jealousy is out of control when I think about Mrs.S. So just thinking of her makes me feel terrible. I have told M several times that I don’t want to be around her. I can’t handle that. Oh, and add this to the mix: After my D&C, Mr.S sent us the nicest most perfect sympathy card in the world. I am a terrible, hateful, spiteful person.

So back to yesterday. There she was, right in front of me in a cute maternity dress with her perfect round belly and Mr.S smiling like the proudest dad-to-be in the world. I swear bluebirds were sitting on their shoulders. And there was me, all oozing green with a raincloud over my head. I ate as much as I could and then ate some more. Eventually, M came down to sit by me and I was able to focus on other conversations. But that didn’t stop me from hearing bits from the conversation nearby between Mr.S, Mrs.S and the boss. Mrs.S (because she is both thoughtful and kind) had brought presents for the boss. Then they all left and I felt a little better. But not much. I couldn’t bring myself up enough to be a fun picnic person, so I took myself home to wallow.

I did some crying and laundry then sat down at the computer to wait until M came home. I went onto facebook and started looking at some pictures that my friend posted. She went to Africa and one picture is just of her looking over her shoulder and smiling with a sunset in the background. It’s beautiful – she looks like she’s smiling right at me. I just stared at this picture and cried. I can’t describe how much better I felt just thinking about her and my other friends and remembering that they love me no matter what. I might not have a baby, but I have them. I am so lucky.

Little Miss Jealous

M’s Boss’s wife had her baby this morning. He announced the pregnancy the day I went to the doctor to confirm my 1st miscarriage. So I might connect her pregnancy to losing that one.



I’m filled with the evil green jealousy monster. I wonder if my skin is getting a nice shade lettuce or if that is just the reflection from a green book nearby. I am oozing with the stuff. I want that to be me. I want it so bad. I can’t even leave a little message of congratulations because I’m afraid everyone will see right through it. You envious little ogre.

What the hell is going to happen to me when these November babies are born?