I was thinking about the post I wrote about the different reactions I’m getting to this pregnancy. I’d like to make a comparison. Tons of people sent cards filled with joy and good wishes when we announced our pregnancy in mid-May. We had already gotten cards from our moms, who sent them over within a week of getting our news. We got a rush of cards after the big announcement. We even got cards after my D&C.
Let’s talk about those cards that arrived after the miscarriage. One card showed up the day we found out our baby didn’t have a heartbeat. Another two followed in the next day or two. That last wave of cards was rough, I admit it. I cried when the card M’s grandmother sent arrived the day of my D&C. I cried a lot. I did feel like I had taken so much away from her. I gathered the cards up and hid them under the bed. I haven’t looked at them since. But I remember them and I remember the joy that our friends and family had for us.
Afterwards, we got a whole new set of cards. I think we got more sympathy cards than congratulatory cards. Cards and flowers and food and notes and I cherished each one. Everything made me cry, but I still felt the love they sent. A little cry is worth knowing that someone loves you.
I wish – and not in a selfish way – that I could get some of the joy from those first cards now. We keep our cards on a table in the kitchen. I have exactly one bright baby card with a cute little onesie on it and I was so happy to get this one card. I keep it right in the front. It is from my mom’s coworker. It’s not from my mom or my mother in law. It’s not from a friend or relative who couldn’t wait to look at baby cards for us.
This isn’t me complaining about the number of cards I have. This is me feeling guilty because maybe I scared people away from feeling happy for us. This is me upset because other people are too afraid to acknowledge this pregnancy in a concrete way. This is me knowing I’m the reason I don’t have any congratulatory cards. I wish I could be positive and rub my belly and say WHEN about my baby. I wish I wasn’t scaring everyone away from me with my disclaimers after every sentence.
I know what they are thinking. They don’t want me to lose this baby and then get a card the next day. I know because I am living this. I have one scrapbook page from my pregnancy in the spring. I made a cute page with pictures of the positive test and wrote about how happy and excited we were. Then I lost the baby a few days later. I have no scrapbook pages for this one. I was afraid to put anything about the positive pregnancy test in our Scotland photo album. Hell, I'm afraid to send people congratulatory cards when I hear they are pregnant. I’m not a good example.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
You're so not alone in this. Everytime my mom says "you and the baby" or refers to me as a mom, I get the most weirded out feeling. At my prenatal yoga class, I can talk about my pregnancy, but not "my baby" like the others do. I feel so disfunctional sometimes!
Please know that I'm happy for you. :) It gives me great hope to see that your pregnancy is moving right along nicely after your previous losses. I admire your strength so much. Hang in there, and God bless! I'm praying for you and this baby!
Aw, sweetie. I know how you feel. For that very reason we're not telling anyone about it should this latest IVF work -- because we don't want to see the dialled-down reactions. It stinks to be seen as a defacto ticking time bomb, especially when we're so much more so in our own minds. P&PTs that get further and further in this pregnancy until people finally feel comfortable celebrating with you.
Wow I never thought about this. This has never come up for me but I think I would always show my excitement/happiness for people close to me whether they've lost a previous pregnancy or not.
I guess it's such a grey area for so many people that they don't know how to react. I'm sorry :(
Thinking of you!
Ugh, miscarriage robs us of so much. I know they are all happy for you but they are probably feeling just like you - cautious. I wish we could all yell it from the rooftops and it would never enter our minds that something could go wrong.
You're getting there and I hope the congratulatory cards will come pouring in about 20 weeks from now. :)
I am sending you the world's biggest e-congrats, Cheryl. :) Please know that you have lots of good thoughts coming at you!
I talked about this with my therapist, and more specifically about the lack of cards/flowers, etc. after the second and third losses. I think so much of it has to do with the fact that people have no idea what to say. When an adult dies, almost everyone can relate. They've been there. But when a child (or in this case, a fetus) dies, most people can't relate to it.
I also think a lot of it does have to do with how we present the news. In my case, to the couple of people I've told so far, I've said, "I'm pregnant for now" or something similar. It's probably hard for people to get too excited about that presentation. :) They also probably don't want to make you feel like they're SO excited that you'll be letting them down if something happens.
It's so hard. I agree with Jill though, that once you deliver, people will be all over you with congratulations. You won't be able to fight them off with a stick!
Wow you got cards after your miscarriage? I got ignored after both of my miscarriages, completely. Noone wanted to talk about it, not that I did. Everyone played if off like it could be soooooooo much worse. Well, I didn't really think it could. I'm still pissed about it.
I remember that I got 1 card after the miscarriage. 0 cards when we announced the pregnancy. I cherished that 1 card because that is the only time that our loss was not ignored. You know we all love you and are just so happy that great things are coming your way!
Post a Comment