#6

I was going to keep this a secret. I didn’t want any congratulations.

But here we are. Pregnancy #6 is official. In the days leading up to this weekend, my boobs were hurting, but I’m now used to that as a symptom of AF, so I didn’t pay attention. On Sunday, though, I could feel the difference. I could tell the shapes I spent Sunday being anxious. My boobs were extremely painful and I could feel that they were denser, which is usually a game changer. I also felt dizzy and a little queasy. Then I got very nervous. I went to the grocery store and got a test.

This morning I tested. The positive line showed up before the control line.

We weren’t trying. We were supposed to start Trying Again (again again) next month. I have continued to take my folic acid and prenatal vitamins this entire time.

How do I feel today? I was shaking for most of the morning. I cried in the shower. You are not supposed to cry in the shower if you find yourself pregnant and you’ve been wishing to be pregnant for over a year. But that’s how I feel. I feel completely overwhelmed and afraid. I wanted this so much, but I wasn’t prepared for it to happen now.

In other news, I found on on Friday that M’s chromosome work up came back normal. That is great to hear. It means the problem is completely unexplained. Hooray for us.

I called the doctor and I have an appointment for December 20^th at noon. I’m waiting for a return call from the nurse so I can get my progesterone. Keep me in your thoughts, please. I need all the help I can get. 

Genetic counseling

We had our appointment with the genetic counselor and the Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor today. The first thing I did was fill out a life history of sorts. It was 5 pages of all of my health history. I got to list all of my pregnancies on a form. They had five slots. Lucky me, I didn’t have to ask for another paper! The nurse asked me my due date. Sorry, not pregnant!

The genetic counselor sat with us for about an hour. She wanted to know complete family history back to our grandparents. We talked about every person’s pregnancies and children. I came prepared with everything written out for her, so she could follow that easily. During this discussion, we learned the difference between second cousins and first cousins once removed. The “removed” means that they are on a different generation. Second cousins are in the same generation. My grandfather’s brother’s children are my mom’s first cousins. They are my first cousins, once removed. Their children and my second cousins. Neat.

In making the family history, I found out a lot about losses in my family. I didn’t know about a lot of them. It’s rough to know that they went through it, and very sad.

Our family histories both looked pretty good. We don’t have histories of repeat losses, we don’t have birth defects or any disabilities. That is all good news for us.

My chromosomes have already been checked, so we know it’s good on my side. We also think M’s are fine. We are still having his checked because he may have a translocation (that was fully explained to us and now makes sense to me)*. We don’t know if this is the problem and we hope that it is not. But it is something to check.

The Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor came in afterwards to discuss her opinions. She wants to check my homocysteine levels. That is an extension of the blood clotting disorders, kind of an indicator of how my body is reacting to the MTHFR. If they are abnormal, it would mean taking more blood thinners. Not a huge deal.

I am not having a hysterogram or anything right now. It’s an option, but we agreed that it’s not something to look into right now.

Now we wait until the results come back. It will take about 2 weeks.

*Translocations, as I heard it: When this happens, parts of two chromosomes are switched. The person with the translocation is fine, because they have all of their chromosomes, they just happen to be in the wrong place. This becomes a problem when your cells divide for reproduction. The sperm or the egg only gets ½ of the chromosomes, so if you get the part with the translocated chromosomes, you are missing some that you need and getting too many of others. So in most cases, a baby cannot grow from this. 

The follow up

I had my follow up-appointment on Friday morning. It was a good one. I got to leave my pants on. In fact, the entire appointment took place in the doctor’s office. I got to sit in a chair.

I arrived and they took my weight and blood pressure. My weight keeps creeping up, but whatever. I don’t care about that now. Then the nurse took me back to a regular exam room and asked me a few questions about the miscarriage. She asked me if she thought I passed everything. I told her I was pretty sure. I feel fine and the bleeding stopped. So she just had me sit on the table. Then I waited for a while. I could hear the appointment in the room next store. I heard the Doppler come on and I heard them search for the baby’s heartbeat. I had a few seconds of anger at the person who was having a great appointment. Then it turned to fear while I waited for them to find it and I prayed for that girl until I heard the right sound. Then I went back to being mad. The doctor came in to get me and took me back to her office. That made me feel better. It’s easier to ask questions when you are in a real chair.

I’d never met this doctor before. I wanted to meet with the doctor who did my c-section, but I would have had to wait until mid-November to see her. So I picked this one. She is new to the practice. She had already looked through my file. She told me that 4 miscarriages is too much. I agreed. I cried a little. She went through my records and we talked about all the tests I had done. We found out that I have already had my chromosomes checked. I didn’t know that was done, but I was happy to know that’s one less thing to worry about. I saw a picture of them. They looked normal, I guess. She gave me a referral to the Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctor and the genetic counselor. Then she went through and gave me a list of the questions I should ask both doctors. I don’t have the list with me, but I’ll outline all of them after the appointment. Then we talked about trying again. I am to call the office immediately and get a prescription for progesterone. Who knows if that’s the problem, but it’s a simple step to take. She also told me to wait until January. That made me sad, but she explained that the miscarriage risk is slightly higher in the months following a miscarriage. She wanted to rule out that for a reason. I understand and I guess we’ll wait.

I’m tired of waiting.

The big appointment is November 1^st at 9 am. M will be with me. We have to bring complete family histories of pregnancies and pregnancy problems. This means talking to our parents about this. It won’t be a problem from my mom. She already knows about this last one and will be more than willing to help. She’d come to the appointment if I wanted her there. I have to ask my father about it. I’ll do that all over email (later on today). I’m not sure how much he’ll know about his mom, but he might be able to ask his sisters about it. We also have to ask M’s mom for information about his family history. We know her mother had a lot of problems (and 6 living children). I’m sad that I have to drag all of those old feelings up. I’ll call her tonight to talk about it. I’m not sure how to frame this conversation. She knows about 3 of the 4. Do I just tell her about the last one? Do I just refer to “problems” or what? I’ll probably cry, which won’t make this any easier. 

Still Angry

Where is the stage of grieving where you throw away the positive pregnancy test? Is it acceptance? Because I’m not there. I don’t think I’ve reached acceptance for these past two and I won’t get there for a while. I’m still firmly in Anger. I threw the latest test away with a swift, firm Fuck and then buried it in the other trash. Then I felt bad. Is that really what I want to do with the only real evidence that a bundle of cells that I love existed?

I talked to the nurse yesterday and went in for another blood draw. My new OB appointment has been switched to a follow up with time for discussion about my options. I will investigate my insurance coverage early next week. I wanted an earlier time, but the schedule was full. My practice has 10 or 12 doctors and is always very busy. It’s frustrating, but they always take time once you are in the room with the doctor. So I’ll wait and hopefully come out of that meeting with some sort of action plan. I hope to get a referral to an RE and to continue trying while we get tests done. I’m don’t want to stop trying because I know we can be successful… even if it is only 20% of the time.

The nurse called me again today. My number is down to 2. Hooray for some good news.

Bloodwork

I went in for the bloodwork yesterday and they had me in the schedule wrong. My appointment wasn't until today at 4:30. But I said the magic word "miscarriage" and they switched it right then. So I was able to get in and have my blood drawn. I didn't talk to a nurse or anyone. The lady taking my blood didn't say anything. It was kind of cold feeling. If this had been my first one, I would have been very confused. I went to schedule the next blood draw and I had to tell the scheduler what I needed and why and when. Hooray for being super informed about miscarriage! 

The bleeding had picked up earlier in the afternoon. By evening it was like a regular period. I don't have any cramping or anything. It's not even especially heavy. This is nothing like my first natural miscarriage. That one was at 5 weeks, 3 days. This one was at 4 weeks, 6 days. Only 4 days different, but I guess none of them are ever the same. 

I'm going to call the nurse this afternoon and find out if the number is back yet. Hopefully it will be low enough to cancel the next blood draw. Then I can just schedule a follow up appointment and get this one over with. 

I'm not sure about what I'll do for testing. I'm considering some chromosomal tests, but I'm a little worried about the cost and what will be covered. Not that we can't do it, but we just bought the house and we've had some expensive car problems this past month. I don't want to test just for giggles. I only want to do it if it makes sense. I'm fairly sure W's chromosomes are normal and I had the tests from my first D&C come back normal, too. I didn't have any testing done on the first one or the blighted ovum. I also won't have any tests done on this one. 

Emotionally, I'm doing ok. I've had some shakey moments today, but mostly I'm ok. We had a great distraction last night with a baseball game. It was weird when I was standing there and I would remember what was happening. You can feel very much by yourself when you are in a stadium with 50,000 cheering people and you feel sad. 

#5

Here it is. I tested on a real test this morning. I think this is pretty clear. 

I also tested on an internet cheapie this morning. I was just as blank as the others. As I was pulling it out of the packet, I noticed the expiration date. So that could be the reason that I'm not getting any kind of results. I'm going to throw the rest of them away. I'm surprised that the expiration date really means something. 

This means I won't have any pregnancy tests in my house. I think that could be a good thing. I won't be tempted to keep testing and testing. 

EDD is June 11th. I'm calling the doctor later on today to get an appointment. Let the crazy days of complete crazy fear begin!

One day late

Today is cycle day 27. I have only had one 28 day cycle in the past few years and it was the cycle immediately following my D&C. I usually go 25-26 days. So I am officially late.

Let’s start at the beginning. This is my 4^th cycle of trying (as I have been complaining about because I’m annoying). I used cheapie ovulation strips this time. I started on CD 7 and started to panic around CD 12. With a 26 day cycle, I always thought that I ovulated on the 12^th day. The line started to get darker on CD 13. It peaked the morning of CD 14. I had read lots of information about the sticks (thank you LuckyOnce!). I knew that ovulation was about 24 hours after the peak and that’s what we aimed for.

Here is a picture of those sticks. It was fun using them, especially when they started getting darker. M thought it was gross that I had them all lined up on the bathroom vanity. I liked it. It made me feel like I was in control (which I know is not true). The sticks are now close to 2 weeks old, so the darkness of the lines is a little different than it was when they were new. I also liked that you aren’t supposed to use FMU and I could do these when I was totally awake!

Every cycle of Trying Again has been the same. Sore boobs for the entire 2WW. I did not let this get me excited this time. I didn't test until the day AF was due. I didn't get my hopes up. I only browsed the June 2013 birth club once or twice. That's good for me. 

I POAS on Sunday morning. But it wasn’t FMU. I really had to go at 4:30 am I didn’t want to fumble around in the dark and spill pee on anything. Plus I wanted to be able to get back to sleep! I did use one when I woke up and it came up completely negative. I spent lots of time yesterday going to the bathroom and checking to see if I had any spotting. Nothing happened. Around 3 pm, I opened the drawer where I hid the test and if I tilted it just right and turned my head and squinted, I could maybe see a little something. But I’ve been around long enough to know that it could be an evap line and I was stupid for looking at it 8 hours later. But I know everyone does that. I let M know that AF hadn’t shown up while we were eating dinner (how appetizing!)

This morning I POAS again and we looked at it together after breakfast. We both kind of stared at it. I wouldn’t say it is 100% negative. It could be a little positive, but it is very very very light. M saw it, though. I know he is not crazy. I've already shown this to a few internet friends. The majority is saying that they can't see anything. I can't see anything on this picture, either. 

This isn’t my BFP announcement. This is my AF is late announcement. I’ll keep testing and I’ll let you know when I get a for sure BFP or a for sure end of this cycle. 

VFP?

You can't see it on the pictures. I can see something at home. Of course I'll keep testing!

I wasn't haveing symptoms yesterday and pretty much talked myself out of testing this morning. But I woke up and my boobs felt huge and achy, so I waited until DH was shaving (in the guest bathroom) and tested and hid it in a drawer until I could take the picture. I didn't tell him because he would really think I was crazy right now!

Non-update

I didn't want to leave anyone hanging - BFN on Sunday. I'm saying that I'll wait until Saturday to test again. I'll let you know when my willpower breaks!

BFN - and happy about it!

I’m back to POAS all the time.

Not because I want another baby right now! My hands are full. But because I’m in this no-woman’s land of no AF and the birth control with all these warning about taking it at the EXACT same time every day and the failure rate on the package is higher than the regular pill. It’s freaking me out. Combine that with feeling kind of queasy a few mornings this week and you’ve got a full on panic attack!

So I ordered a ton of internet cheapies so I could test every 2 weeks until we start trying again. Last night I took the first one. It was a perfect, clear, unquestionable negative and I had a nice sigh of relief. Anyway, the packaging made me laugh a little. Here I am buying tests in hopes that I’ll get a ton of negatives and I get pamphlets on OPKs and even a temporary tattoo with *~Baby Dust~* all over it. I asked M if he wanted to wear it. Nope.

I’m now blaming my crummy feelings on something going around. I have a kid in daycare. It’s about time that I get a bug.

Hooray! So, having a 4 month old is still pretty awesome. He’s such a great kid. I get all kinds of compliments from the daycare ladies about how good he is. He likes hanging out and playing with books. He does not like The Little Engine That Could and cries when I read it. This makes me sad because it’s my favorite kid book. He does really like The Belly Button Book and that one is fun to read. Every day with him is amazing. M loves him so much – I love to watch them together. We’ve figured out that M is the fun one and I’m the comforting one. W will fall right to sleep in my arms, but struggle to stay awake with M and watch him make faces. I love that he can grab toys now and will take stuffed animals when I hand them to him. We’re going to give him some cereal this weekend just to see how he’ll react.

I’m so happy to read about how so many of you are so close to babies – and one brand new baby today. I can’t believe how far we’ve come!

37 Week appointment and internal check

I’m progressing! Hooray!

1-2 centimeters dilated! 80% effaced! Baby has definitely dropped!

Ok, so here is my experience with the Group B strep and the internal check. I was so afraid that these things were going to be painful and terrible. I was sweating like crazy. I told M that this was going to be bad.

The Group B test was about 2 seconds. She stuck the swab up there and then just barely skimmed the outside of my butt. Nothing went up that one. I actually laughed a little and told her that was nothing like I was prepared for. Whew! Do not be afraid of the Group B test!

The internal check was a little more involved. She said the baby’s head was in the way so she had trouble reaching my cervix. It was less uncomfortable than a pap smear. So I don’t want one every day, but also it is no reason to panic.

Carrier for CF

Update on the cold – I’m rethinking the SinuCleanse. My nose is almost completely cleared up… that was fast. I decided it must be because I was pouring saltwater in my brain.

All right, let’s talk about Cystic Fibrosis!

At my first appointment, the doctor threw out that I should get the screening for CF. I thought that was fine – I was already having a ton of blood drawn. She called me yesterday with the results. I am tested positive as a carrier.

This alone isn’t a huge deal. 1 in 25 white women are carriers. I’m surprised, though – no one in my family has the disease. I guess we’ve all been lucky! Now, M does have a family history – his grandmother’s sister’s daughter (we’ll call her a great-cousin) has CF and she is always in and out of the hospital. She’s been on the list for a lung transplant forever (I think she is not on the list anymore because of her age). So, it’s remote, but we have a reason to be afraid he’ll be a carrier also. If you remember high school biology – His grandmother is very likely to be a carrier, so M’s mom is 50% likely to be a carrier. If she is a carrier, then M is 50% likely to be a carrier. If we are both carriers, we have a 1 in 4 chance of having a baby with CF. That’s a lot of ifs.

I talked to a doctor at a nearby lab yesterday afternoon. His company is working to develop CF tests that will not require an Amniocentesis or a CVS. He asked me to be part of his study and I agreed. It is just a series of blood draws during my pregnancy and a test on the baby when s/he is born. I’m going to be part of that – I’m good at getting my blood drawn and it should help out moms in the future. He seemed almost giddy when he was talking to me. I guess he doesn’t get a lot of calls so early in the pregnancy and from someone so close. His office is about 2 miles from my house, so going there for the study isn’t a problem for me.

M will have his cheek swabbed at my next doctor’s appointment (the 14th). Immediately after the appointment, we are meeting with the CF doctor and I will have my first blood draw. We’ll know about M’s status about a week later.

I’m a little freaked out about the meeting, but mainly because I don’t like planning pregnancy dependant events after an appointment. That would be a very uncomfortable phone call at a very bad time.

I talked to M for a while last night. He is upset. He feels guilty for possibly giving this life-shortening disease to someone so small. I understand his feelings, but I don’t have them at all for this (yet). I think it’s because I’ve already sorted through feeling guilty about what my body can do to a baby. I’ve already hated myself for something much worse than CF and I’ve dealt with it. This isn’t something we’ve intentionally done to our kid and IF we have a CF baby, we’ll do everything humanly possible to give them a great chance to live a long life.

So we’ll add this to my list of hopes: Dear little baby in there, I hope you’re still happy and growing and feeling all this love I’ve got for you. I hope to see you on a sunny day in May and you come out with great, strong lungs then go on to live a happy, healthy life surrounded with love and laughter.

Tests and Telling

I am going to get blood drawn this afternoon to check my thyroid. The doctor’s office called back to say that the lab never ran that test. The nurse told me I could just wait until my appointment (1 week and 5 days from now!) to get the test and that would be fine. I agreed and hung up. Then I remembered that I had just left a comment somewhere telling someone to stick up for herself – this is your baby we’re talking about! So I took my own advice and called them back yesterday morning. I expected to have to beg, but she said that was fine and I’ll be going in today at 1 pm. She did make it clear that I just wanted the blood draw – not an actual appointment.

M might be in Hawaii longer than anticipated. His coworker had to come home early because his girlfriend is in the hospital with a blood clot in her brain. I can’t imagine his flight home – that so much time out of contact with her. We did get news that she is doing well now. I’m sure having him back has helped calm her down! So, M and the other guys will stay at least an extra day to get the work done. That’s disappointing for me, but I’d rather he stay one day than the other guy to have to go back.

Now, on to my next dilemma! I talked to my Mom last night and I struggled with the conversation. We talked about my trip, but I had to kind of skirt around M not coming home until Sunday night. I CAN NOT lie to my Mom. This includes lies of omission. Example: My brothers and I got together one weekend to get a family portrait done as an anniversary present for our parents. For the weeks leading up to the picture, I could only talk to her in short bursts. She wanted me to meet her for shopping on the day we were getting the picture done and I stumbled over trying to tell her that we might go to dinner with a friend. Like I’d dis my Mom for dinner with people I see every week! Right, so last night she brought up M being on the trip. Normally, when he is away over a weekend, I go right up to their house and enjoy just sitting around with them. I LOVE that. Also, on September 26, her friends are having their wine harvest (it’s a small vineyard and it takes about a half day to pick the grapes and crush them -very fun). My problem is that (1) I’m a huge wino. She’ll know the second I say I’m “too tired” to drink. Right. (2) I’ll tell her my secret the second I see her. I’ll be shifting my weight and get goose bumps and spill. (3) Even if I could fake it for one day, I’ll be up there over night. I can’t last that long.

I want to tell her. She had a miscarriage before me (at 13 weeks) after trying for over a year and then had to try for another year before she got pregnant again. She is wonderful. I hate keeping this from her. But telling my parents that our little boy didn’t have a heartbeat was the hardest thing I have ever done. That was harder than dealing with it myself. My dad cried. I can’t do that again. I’m crying right now just thinking about that. I know I’ll be risking it if I do see a heartbeat, but I need to see it myself (and have a little hope myself) before I risk hurting them again.

Other than that, all is normal.

Maybe hairdressers do know everything...

I made my first appointment: September 29 at 4 pm. If the stars line up correctly, I could be 7 weeks at that point, so we could see a definite heartbeat. I still don't "feel"pregnant at all and I wonder if I'm making everything up. I took another test this morning and it was the darkest I've ever seen (one of the internet cheapies).

I’ve told two friends, but I need their support. And they understand why I’m so scared and they didn’t call me crazy when I told them I couldn’t talk about the future of this pregnancy. If we see a heartbeat, I don’t care who knows. I waited until the end of the first trimester last time and that didn’t save me from any heartache. I’m not going to make grand announcements, but I’m not going to pretend to drink either.

I got my hair cut yesterday. That’s a big event for me – I hate the feeling of that cape wrapped around my neck. I feel like I’m going to die for the entire 20 minutes. Anyway, the lady told me that my hair is thinning on top. This isn’t a surprise to me, I’m a ponytail every day girl and my grandmother used to tell me that I would be bald like my dad if I didn’t stop. Several stylists have told me to stop pulling my hair back. This woman told me that’s all crap and I should have my thyroid checked. She asked if I had any recent hormone changes (check) and I spilled the beans about this pregnancy. When I had my million blood tests, one of them was for my thyroid. The last time I talked to my doctor, she said those results hadn’t come back yet. So I called this morning and left a message asking about the results. Hopefully she’ll call me back soon.

I know you have a picture of me in your head now with a comb-over. It’s not that noticeable! Stop staring at me!

I'll take any reason, thanks.

My doctor called me this morning with some test results. Mostly everything came back. I have a heterozygous MTHFR mutation. I’m not about to try to explain it, but this means I have a hard time absorbing enough folic acid and I am more likely to get some blood clots. This is not as severe as other clotting disorders, so that’s good news for me.

I am supposed to take a baby aspirin every day when (if?) I find out I’m pregnant again. I need to ask about supplemental folic acid (don’t forget!).

While she was talking to me, she started talking about my thyroid and saw that the results from that test are not back yet, so I should be getting another phone call in a few weeks.

I happy there’s SOMETHING. I admit that my heart sank a little when she said that everything looks good. I’m not wishing that I had some huge health problem, but I wanted something that would give me some sort of answer. I’m willing to accept this one – there must be some reason my baby was perfect one day and then all of the sudden he’s gone. A blood clot seems to be a reason I can hold on to for now.

I feel pretty good now. I feel like there is something I can do next time (hopeful for a next time!) and I kept thanking the doctor as she tried to get off the phone with me. I feel like sending her a thank you note!

Friends with Babies

One of my closest, most wonderful friends, R, had her second little girl yesterday. I’ve been friends with R since my first day of high school and she’s been everything you could ever want in a friend. Her first pregnancy ended before 6 weeks and she was devastated. I didn’t know what to do for her then and I probably wasn’t as supportive as I should have been. Looking back on that, I feel pretty bad.

She was the only person (besides M) who knew about our first pregnancy, and she was actually at my house when it happened. I didn’t tell her about it that morning, but I did later on and she kept checking on me and making sure I was doing ok. And the second time, she was still there and still rooting for me. All this time, she’s been pregnant.


I don’t have that normal jealousy/nauseous feeling when I think about her pregnancy. I’m not sure how I don’t, but the only feeling I have when thinking about her new baby and her pregnancy is happiness for her. She was wonderful about talking about the baby after I lost mine. I actually had to ask her for details, and then she gave me exactly the right amount. She’s amazing, and I’m lucky to have friends like her. I’m still not sure when I’ll go see her and the baby. I was worried that she would have a boy and I’d never visit, but with a girl I can see myself up there in a month or two. I’m not ready yet.

I have other, wonderful, supportive friends – and I wonder how a girl like me ended up with this great circle of girls. But, hey, I’m not complaining!

Back to me and my feelings… I told my MIL last night that our baby was a boy and I filled her in on all the blood tests I had. Then she started walking towards me. I actually yelled, “Don’t hug me, please!” but she still did. I tried so hard to keep myself from breaking down when I was telling her everything, but she kept at her goal of making me cry as much as possible. So I had to sit there sobbing for a while. The whole time, I could hear M and his brother talk about soccer and pretend we were normal.

The blood letting

Around 1:30 yesterday, I realized that I was sitting in the blood drawing room at my OB office and I was reading a book about vampires. I had to laugh a little at that because I didn't want to pay attention to what was going on around me. The Tech had a huge list of tests in front of her and she had to look them all up because she had never seen some of them before. I learned all kinds of new stuff about blood tests. Each test has to go in a specific color tube. Some tubes need to be frozen. Some tubes need to be mixed and some need to be separated. I had all of these. She had to go back and get a second set of labels for my blood tubes.

I can't watch the needle go it and I can't watch my blood drain into the tube, so I occupied myself by trying to count the vials. No good! You try to think while your life force is getting sucked out of you (well, not that bad, but the vampire books are really getting to me). I counted somewhere between 13 and 19. Some were pretty small, so the amount of blood wasn't that bad.

I'm happy about the amount of tests I'm getting done. I feel like we might be able to come up with an answer. I tried to remember the ones she looked up, but, again, losing blood = no memory. One was Factor II something and one was for Lupus. I tried to look these up, but got confused by the medical terms. Really I just want to find something that says, "Here's your problem! You can fix it so easy! Take this pill, and have a great next pregnancy!"

Baby Boy

My doctor called me yesterday morning to tell me the results of the chromosome testing. I chose to do this because I want to know a reason why our baby died. But she didn’t have one, the baby was perfectly normal… a little boy. We wanted a boy so much and knowing this brought on a whole new wave of grief. He’ll always be on my mind, and it feels so great to be able to say HE and not call my baby an it. I’m happy that we know, and I’m happy we made a boy, but now I miss him more than ever. Seeing little boys is just going to break my heart for a long time. I know that some people name their babies, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do that. He doesn’t need a name for me to remember him, he’ll just always be my little baby boy.

I guess the chromosome testing came back with good news. Nothing was wrong with him, so maybe the problem is with me. I’m going in on Thursday to have blood drawn and they’ll do all kinds of mad-scientist tests to see what’s up. I hope that will give me some answers. I don’t really want to have some kind of weird blood clotting problem, but I’d like to know a reason and I’d like that reason to be something I can manage. I have to wait 4-6 weeks to get the results from that test.

Tonight I’m going shopping for some new clothes. I hadn’t bought anything new in anticipation of being pleasantly chubby for the summer and my clothes really need some spicing up! Luckily Kohl’s moved the maternity section over to the baby area, so I won’t even have to see it.