32 Weeks and Swollen

My feet are wide and puffy. I'm down to one pair of work shoes (and they really aren't nice shoes). They have always been a little big. Now they are snug. Outside of work, I wear either the same shoes or flip flops. I didn't have this last time, but it also wasn't this hot. It wasn't summer! I really like my feet and it makes me sad to see them so puffy.

I am sitting at my desk right now with my legs spread so I can reach my keyboard. It's not pretty. My shirt also has a hole in the armpit. I don't think any one can see it.

I have some issues I want to talk about. I'm going part time at work after this baby and my MIL will be watching him/her three days a week. I am grateful that I get to do this, but I'm also afraid. It means we have to be very careful about our spending. We can do it! My main fear is one that people bring up a lot, but in a different context.

I had no problem taking W to daycare. I know lots of people say they could never leave their child with a stranger or that they want their baby to know who Mommy is. W has thrived in daycare. He knows I'm his mommy and he's always known that. At daycare he is one of many kids. He is loved, but he is not THE MOST IMPORTANT person to the ladies at daycare. We've had no issues with bonding and love in our house.

Now, with baby #2, W will continue to go to daycare 5 days a week. We decided to keep him full time because he is used to it and he is now in the preschool program. I look at daycare as school now. I want him there for the school part every day (and the nap because he has a real problem napping at home - he needs a nap). As for the baby, M and I will be splitting the day on Monday. I'll be working Tuesday - Thursday for short days and then I'll be home on Friday. MIL will be watching the baby Tuesday - Thursday. I've decided I'm ok with that.

I am absolutely ok with the quality of care from my MIL. She will be attentive and follow any instructions I have. She will probably do a better job that I would. My ridiculous fear is that my baby won't know or won't want Mommy after having my MIL around. That is why I didn't want her to do 5 days a week. Baby will be SO loved and showered with attention and care. If I continues to work full time, MIL would be with the baby about 50 hours a week. I would be with the baby (assuming 8 hours of me sleeping a night) 62 hours a week - less if you factor in chores and being with W and the amount of time the baby spends sleeping. It's possible that the baby would have more 1-on-1 time with MIL than with me. Obviously, the baby would think that MIL was mommy. I can't deal with it. My jealousy about this was stressing me out big time. It is crazy. I talked to M about this and he couldn't believe this was bothering me so much. My logical mind knows it is stupid. But it's there. It is the reason that we are doing this 3 day a week schedule. I will have more time with my baby than MIL will have. My baby will know that I am mommy.

We'll do this schedule for about a year. Then we want to transition the baby into daycare. We noticed W really benefiting from daycare around that time.

I'm very excited about the time I'll have with the baby. I'm also excited about having that Friday to get a *little* done around the house so we'll have more family time on the weekends. M is excited about his Monday afternoons with the baby. It's going to be great.

18 Week appointment

W was sick yesterday, so M couldn't come to the appointment with me. He stayed at home all day with the little guy because I have a deadline at work this week that is coming up fast. MIL ended up coming with me. I wasn't worried because this baby is a mover, but I still can't take the idea of going to one of these appointments alone. 

I got there and had to pee so bad. I don't know why I do that to myself. I almost forgot to pee in the cup. I remembered at the last second and pretty much peed all over my hand (not the first time). The nurse said that people forget all the time. 

Our appointment was fast and perfect. The baby's heart rate was 156. The doctor told me a repeat c-section would be scheduled right around my due date, so I won't be getting to 41 weeks with this one. That's a relief! MIL was very involved. She stood next to me and pushed on my belly when the doctor did it. I think a lot of people would be annoyed about that, but I know she's very excited and it didn't bother me. She started crying when we heard the heartbeat. It's been a rough week for her with SIL's miscarriage and then M's grandfather passed away over the weekend. I was very happy I could provide a moment of happiness in the middle of all this. 

The funeral services for Ms grandfather will be Wednesday and Thursday. I'm worried about SIL will feel during everything. It will be the first time we see some family members since the baby announcement and I'm sure lots of them will be gushing about it. Hopefully I can redirect their attention and keep the baby talk to a minimum. I'm going to talk to her about it beforehand. I wish I could tell everyone to just not talk about it! 

My next regular appointment is April 8th. Our anatomy scan is March 19th in the afternoon. 

18 weeks

18 weeks is a fun time. I spent the "snow" day on Wednesday cleaning out my closet and doing the official switch to maternity clothes. I'm looking for more GAP tank tops because the girls seem ready to slap people in the face. I need more coverage than I'm getting from the typical maternity tank tops. I'm trying not to buy more clothes, but I've kept wearing maternity tank tops with my regular clothes.

The cool thing about feeling little jabs and pokes is that I'm keeping positive. The bad thing about little jabs and pokes is that whenever I don't feel them, I freak out. So I'm alternating between awesome happiness and total mopiness.

I feel like my body is changing faster this time. I guess that makes sense, but I'm already struggling to get off the floor and I don't think I should be acting like this. I should still be spry and running all over the place. I'm sure this has a lot to do with the long dark winter and my total lack of physical activity.

Speaking of activity, I did get out my prenatal exercise DVDs. I moved them from the box of maternity clothes to a shelf near the TV. That's progress.

My next appointment is on Monday afternoon.

Things with my SIL are looking as good as they can at this point. This past week has been hell for her and her husband. As of now, her numbers have finally started dropping and we're hoping she can avoid all interventions and this whole thing can be done. It's hard to grieve when you don't even know what's happening with your body. I guess I've been lucky that I've never gone more than a day without knowing exactly what happened. So we're all getting through that.

It’s not about me this time

This is the first time the table has turned. It’s always been about how I feel when the people around me are pregnant and how I feel because I’m not. We spent yesterday evening with my SIL and BIL while they dealt with the aftermath from Friday’s blood draw. Her numbers didn’t go up by much at all and the bleeding has gotten worse. An ultrasound didn’t find a sack. Now she’s going to have a few more blood draws and those follow up appointments that seem to be a punishment for everything.

It hurts.

I’m not going to make this about my pain, but I am sad about all this means for our family. I’d started daydreaming about two little cousins in matching outfits and pictures with me and SIL and huge bellies. I even was a little jealous in a happy way. It was going to be great.

I’m doing the best I can to be the person that I always needed. I have some great models. I have a friend who has always said and done the right thing and another friend whose pregnancy never made me feel upset. I’m also going to remember everything that I felt towards pregnant people in my life. Really, it’s not going to be hard for me. Since I’ve lived through this so many times myself, I’ve always tried to be mindful of who is around me and how they might be feeling (because you don’t always know). You’ll never hear me complain (except for here and I try to limit it even then) or say one word negative about this baby. I am grateful every day for what I have.

I hope and hope that this will be the only hardship they will face on their way to a baby. I remember very clearly how scary it is to have this happen and all the questions and fears I had when this happened to me. You are told how common it is, but it doesn’t make any difference. Within the next few weeks, several people will announce their pregnancies and you will pretend to be happy.  You’ll remember at the worst times and have to do everything to not cry.

And then, to make it all worse, your sister in law is pregnant and you have to see her at every family function.

I promise to be there for you. I promise to do everything I can to help you through this. You will get through it.

17 weeks and heartache

First of all, I’m 17 weeks and still doing fantastic. The flutters have changed into flipping and tapping. Perfect little moves to make my heart happy. Today I am sitting at work in full maternity gear. I look a little silly in the maternity shirts, but I look like a fat fatty in regular clothes. I have 2-3 regular shirts that are flowy and look very nice, but I can’t wear them all week at work. I need to really sort out clothes this weekend. My closet in the new house is a mess anyway – I hate the layout and the space isn’t efficient at all. I’ll have to clean it out a bit to make room for the new clothes. I am thrilled to have this problem.

Last night, my Brother in law and Sister in Law came over. It was a spur of the moment visit. To make a long story short, SIL is very newly pregnant and bleeding. They are terrified. I spent a long time talking to her and explaining all that happened to me. It’s so scary. I wanted to hug her and cry, but I kind of went into factual mode – I can talk very plainly about the facts of my miscarriage. And when I was going through them, I never wanted anyone to talk to me about my feelings (I did that all here). So I kind of have a wall between me and emotional miscarriage talk. The good thing is that she is still getting dark, positive pregnancy tests. Any time I’ve have bleeding, the tests were either negative or faint when the bleeding started. Today she went for a second blood draw and won’t know the results until Monday. That is so long to wait. That’s all I can really think about right now. 

14 Weeks and a heartbeat!

We had a great appointment yesterday! We didn't have to wait long and the doctor found the heartbeat right away. It was in the 160s and steady. I am still giddy about it!

After that, she threw me a curve ball. She asked, "Have you thought about delivery?" I couldn't believe she was bringing it up so early. I almost couldn't answer. Since M and I have only talked about VBAC a little and do not agree on it, I had her explain everything. The office lines up right with what I want. If I go into labor on my own, I can try to push the baby out. They will not induce me. I will have a C-section date scheduled. I am so happy they are supportive. I would LOVE to have a VBAC. I don't want to spend days in the hospital again. I don't want to deal with the recovery while having W and a baby around.

Of course, if it comes down to it, I'll be ok with another c-section. I'm not worried about it. They say planned ones are easier and recovery is better. And I'll have so much fiber in me that the poop thing is NOT going to be an issue (right?).

I think M feels better about it now. I'll send him some articles I have so he can be informed. His main issue is going through all the labor and pushing and ending up with the surgery anyway. It could still happen. But it won't be as bad as last time. If I do go into labor, we'll be at home for a while.

Telling our friends over the weekend was fun. We had W in a big brother t-shirt and lots of them didn't notice. They read the shirt and didn't get it! It was funny. We're slowly telling everyone now. I'm telling my coworkers at an office lunch today. M is telling his coworkers. I had W wear his t-shirt to daycare today. We still have to tell our siblings. We just can't get to see them! M's brother has been sick and my brothers are out of state (we'll see them in two weeks). I feel bad that they are finding out last, but they don't have to know that other people know!

100 Days!

Everyone loves a reason to celebrate! Last Friday a coworker asked me when W would turn 100 days old and I realized it would be on Saturday. Woo-hoo! We didn’t miss it!

We went to the beach this weekend, so we were with a lot of my family. My parents invited everyone over to happy hour to celebrate. Some people were meeting W for the first time. My sister in law and niece showed up unexpectedly, which was wonderful. I love spending time with them, especially time when we can just sit around and talk. They were the only ones excited about the 100 days thing anyway. I put W on his boppy and laid out a pen, a paintbrush, a coin, my professional seal and a calculator (these are not the exact things you are supposed to lay out… we improvised). Whichever one he chooses is supposed to be his future. He looked at everything and slapped his hand on the calculator. So we’ve got a numbers guy. Not surprising… he’s got two engineers for parents.

The beach was wonderful. We spent most of Saturday and Sunday out there. We dug a chair in the sand so W could look around and watch the kids playing in the water. He slept when we put him in his tent. He ate when I pulled out my boob. The beach is the only place that I’ve ever nursed in public. I don’t feel as self-conscious there. An advertising plane flew above us on Saturday that said “Babies are born to breastfeed!” and M got very excited and pointed at it. He said it was up there for me.

We stopped for crabs on the way home and I learned some valuable lessons. One - Don’t put the baby next to Dad if you’re eating something messy. He barely wiped the Old Bay from his fingers when he started to dig the pacifier out to ease W’s fussing. I’m sure W would love a little zing with his plastic… The second is that crabs taste a bajillion times better when someone else picks them. We ordered 6 crabs for an appetizer and crab cakes for our dinner. I’m a slow picker, so I ate 2 while M ate all three of his. Then we realized that we had a bonus crab (!!). M had a fourth while I fed W (from a bottle – I’m not ready to NIP at the crab deck!). We saved the bonus crab for dessert. I held W while M picked. He’d give me every other piece and it was heaven. Perfection. I love crabs!!

And everything with W is still going great. I’m getting more comfortable with the daycare thing and pumping is still ok. W is having a growth spurt now and I’m not adding much to my freezer stash and barely keeping up with him. He’s holding his head up and starting to play with his toys. Everything is so amazing with him.

What I did on my snowy weekend

I think I’m a little tired of snow. We broke the records for snowfall in Maryland and we’re about to get more. I’m not nearly as tired as poor M, who had to shovel us out. We are so lucky to have friends next door, so M doesn’t have to shovel alone. It’s more like hanging out with his friend instead of being a chore. I like watching them dig and laugh together.

I left work early on Friday afternoon when the snow started picking up. I’m not about to risk anything with this baby. It didn’t really start to stick until after I would have gotten home normally, but whatever. I got all of the weekend chores finished before it was even officially the weekend!! That was awesome.

Anyway, snow, snow everywhere and I was the only one who couldn’t drink!

This is a view of the windows looking onto our deck. The snow was drifted, so it looks a bit worse than it really is... but it's deep! The piles between driveways are over 7' tall!



Our power went out at 3 am on Saturday morning. This means M didn’t sleep at all after that as he went into man mode and needed to protect us. At first, he just laid in bed and complained about being cold and yelled at me for throwing the covers off. He was trying to keep warm by spooning me, which just made me sweat like a pregnant lady. He got out of bed around 7 and somehow he got our neighbor, A, to start a fire in our fireplace. We made a fire back in 2004 and never did it again. We have a small woodpile under the deck with a ton of old wood. It wasn’t ideal, but they did get a small fire started. It didn’t become a FIRE with HEAT until 2 pm. The 4 of us were laying on our couches and covered with blankets not speaking and frowning. Someone’s cell phone rang and we all thought for 2 seconds that the power was coming back on. That was funny. When it did come back on for real (The roar of our old beer fridge let us know), we started cheering.

In the meantime, the men shoveled, the women laid on the couch and my mother in law called over and over again to freak out.

Note to MILs everywhere: If you are freaked out about your DIL’s pregnancy, don’t call her when there is nothing anyone can do. It’s not like my main priority was shoveling the snow. I spent the day wrapped in blankets and keeping my core temperature normal. Sure, my nose and toes were chilly, but my house never fell below 53 degrees! I wouldn’t have had a problem if she hadn’t kept calling us. M actually yelled at her. So when the baby wasn’t moving much on Saturday night, I was extra freaked out.

Sunday was a finally a fun snowed in day. I made 4 (FOUR!) scrapbook pages for the baby book. I was afraid to start, but now I can’t stop! M made chili, I was warm and the neighbors came over for the superbowl (the baby LOVED Carrie Underwood singing. WTF?). I was sad when the front end loader came out around midnight to dig out our road.

So here I am, at work and everyone is talking about the 12-18” we’re supposed to get on Tuesday. Note to the weather: This is MARYLAND! Not the arctic!

On another note: I found out all the details of my short term disability pay from work. And it is CRAPPY. I get 6 weeks past my due date at 70% pay. That sounds good, right? Except that I have to be out of work 29 days before that kicks in. Meaning I will get paid for the 29th day through the 42nd day. That is 13 days (minus weekends). I will get 70% of two weeks of pay and we wanted me to stay home for 12 weeks. Haha! My job is to now sit down and go through the budget and find out how long I can stay home without making a huge dent in our savings. You’d think this would mean we would go into savings mode right now, but we’re trying to get new windows before the baby gets here. I need to make some spreadsheets.

Telling the world

We’ve started telling people. We told M’s friends at a football game on Saturday. I told my friend’s mom on Sunday. I told my coworkers this morning. We’re not making grand announcements. We’re just mentioning to people as we see them. Now I’m freaking out.

I KNOW this baby isn’t going to just up and die because I started telling people we’re pregnant. I know that is a crazy thought. I still have it. I’ve said this over and over, but last time we started telling and our baby was already dead.

I don’t want to tell M’s grandmother yet. She had some miscarriages and she took ours pretty hard. That little boy was going to be her first great-grandchild. Everyone had been waiting for him (I found out that they watched my every move towards the bar since we got married). I KNOW it’s not my fault, but I feel like I let her down. I don’t want that to happen again. I told my MIL about this and she hugged me and started to cry (so what else is new?). I’m not waiting because I’m upset. I’m waiting because she was so upset. I don’t want her to worry like I’ve been worrying. She knows what it’s like.

So I have a question. When does this pregnancy stuff start flying by? I keep hearing “Oh, enjoy it! It’ll be over so fast! Pregnancy is so great!” Every second is like an hour for me. October was 6 months long. November isn’t going any faster. The only time that goes by fast is the time I get for sleeping.

Tests and Telling

I am going to get blood drawn this afternoon to check my thyroid. The doctor’s office called back to say that the lab never ran that test. The nurse told me I could just wait until my appointment (1 week and 5 days from now!) to get the test and that would be fine. I agreed and hung up. Then I remembered that I had just left a comment somewhere telling someone to stick up for herself – this is your baby we’re talking about! So I took my own advice and called them back yesterday morning. I expected to have to beg, but she said that was fine and I’ll be going in today at 1 pm. She did make it clear that I just wanted the blood draw – not an actual appointment.

M might be in Hawaii longer than anticipated. His coworker had to come home early because his girlfriend is in the hospital with a blood clot in her brain. I can’t imagine his flight home – that so much time out of contact with her. We did get news that she is doing well now. I’m sure having him back has helped calm her down! So, M and the other guys will stay at least an extra day to get the work done. That’s disappointing for me, but I’d rather he stay one day than the other guy to have to go back.

Now, on to my next dilemma! I talked to my Mom last night and I struggled with the conversation. We talked about my trip, but I had to kind of skirt around M not coming home until Sunday night. I CAN NOT lie to my Mom. This includes lies of omission. Example: My brothers and I got together one weekend to get a family portrait done as an anniversary present for our parents. For the weeks leading up to the picture, I could only talk to her in short bursts. She wanted me to meet her for shopping on the day we were getting the picture done and I stumbled over trying to tell her that we might go to dinner with a friend. Like I’d dis my Mom for dinner with people I see every week! Right, so last night she brought up M being on the trip. Normally, when he is away over a weekend, I go right up to their house and enjoy just sitting around with them. I LOVE that. Also, on September 26, her friends are having their wine harvest (it’s a small vineyard and it takes about a half day to pick the grapes and crush them -very fun). My problem is that (1) I’m a huge wino. She’ll know the second I say I’m “too tired” to drink. Right. (2) I’ll tell her my secret the second I see her. I’ll be shifting my weight and get goose bumps and spill. (3) Even if I could fake it for one day, I’ll be up there over night. I can’t last that long.

I want to tell her. She had a miscarriage before me (at 13 weeks) after trying for over a year and then had to try for another year before she got pregnant again. She is wonderful. I hate keeping this from her. But telling my parents that our little boy didn’t have a heartbeat was the hardest thing I have ever done. That was harder than dealing with it myself. My dad cried. I can’t do that again. I’m crying right now just thinking about that. I know I’ll be risking it if I do see a heartbeat, but I need to see it myself (and have a little hope myself) before I risk hurting them again.

Other than that, all is normal.

Friends with Babies

One of my closest, most wonderful friends, R, had her second little girl yesterday. I’ve been friends with R since my first day of high school and she’s been everything you could ever want in a friend. Her first pregnancy ended before 6 weeks and she was devastated. I didn’t know what to do for her then and I probably wasn’t as supportive as I should have been. Looking back on that, I feel pretty bad.

She was the only person (besides M) who knew about our first pregnancy, and she was actually at my house when it happened. I didn’t tell her about it that morning, but I did later on and she kept checking on me and making sure I was doing ok. And the second time, she was still there and still rooting for me. All this time, she’s been pregnant.


I don’t have that normal jealousy/nauseous feeling when I think about her pregnancy. I’m not sure how I don’t, but the only feeling I have when thinking about her new baby and her pregnancy is happiness for her. She was wonderful about talking about the baby after I lost mine. I actually had to ask her for details, and then she gave me exactly the right amount. She’s amazing, and I’m lucky to have friends like her. I’m still not sure when I’ll go see her and the baby. I was worried that she would have a boy and I’d never visit, but with a girl I can see myself up there in a month or two. I’m not ready yet.

I have other, wonderful, supportive friends – and I wonder how a girl like me ended up with this great circle of girls. But, hey, I’m not complaining!

Back to me and my feelings… I told my MIL last night that our baby was a boy and I filled her in on all the blood tests I had. Then she started walking towards me. I actually yelled, “Don’t hug me, please!” but she still did. I tried so hard to keep myself from breaking down when I was telling her everything, but she kept at her goal of making me cry as much as possible. So I had to sit there sobbing for a while. The whole time, I could hear M and his brother talk about soccer and pretend we were normal.

The beach weekend

M and I went to the beach this weekend to spend time with my parents. They are in the process of building a house down there and they are having a great time picking out all the stuff that goes with it. I used to work for a builder, so I wanted to see how the houses are built and my parents are very concerned with the siding color. We spent 15 minutes in the car while my mom took pictures of the lot. My dad had to keep moving the car to get it out of the shot and tried to get my mom to stand on the car to get a picture of the view. The guys working on the house next door just stopped and stared at them the whole time. My parents haven't embarrased me in years, but they came close this weekend.

One evening, we went to my aunt's house to have some drinks. Most of my dad's family was there and we had a nice time talking to them and watching them get drunk. My aunt (she's about 70) came up to the bar and picked up a drink and smelled it, "That's water! That can't be my drink! Where's my drink???" We didn't talk as much as giggle at the old folks.

At the end of the night, M and I were leaving with my parents and my cousin's husband came out with us. He stopped us and said that he was so sorry about our baby and that he'd been thinking of us. I just started crying and couldn't stop. It was part sadness, but part gratefulness that someone had said something. Everyone just acts like nothing happened, but it's all I think about. I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about how different it should be. I should have been sitting on the beach all wrapped up with a cute belly instead of trying to hide some fat, I should have spent a few hours going through the baby departments at the country stores instead of avoiding them, I should have smiled at the babies playing in the sand instead of sitting so I couldn't see them. My parents and I carefully didn't talk about where we would put a crib in the new house.

I have a boring week ahead, but I'm looking forward to going to see the Orioles play on Thursday! I don't really watch the game, but the Old Bay Crab Shuffle between the 3rd and 4th innings is AWESOME!