This is the first time the table has turned. It’s always
been about how I feel when the people around me are pregnant and how I feel
because I’m not. We spent yesterday evening with my SIL and BIL while they
dealt with the aftermath from Friday’s blood draw. Her numbers didn’t go up by
much at all and the bleeding has gotten worse. An ultrasound didn’t find a
sack. Now she’s going to have a few more blood draws and those follow up appointments
that seem to be a punishment for everything.
It hurts.
I’m not going to make this about my pain, but I am sad
about all this means for our family. I’d started daydreaming about two little
cousins in matching outfits and pictures with me and SIL and huge bellies. I
even was a little jealous in a happy way. It was going to be great.
I’m doing the best I can to be the person that I always
needed. I have some great models. I have a friend who has always said and done the
right thing and another friend whose pregnancy never made me feel upset. I’m
also going to remember everything that I felt towards pregnant people in my
life. Really, it’s not going to be hard for me. Since I’ve lived through this
so many times myself, I’ve always tried to be mindful of who is around me and
how they might be feeling (because you don’t always know). You’ll never hear me
complain (except for here and I try to limit it even then) or say one word
negative about this baby. I am grateful every day for what I have.
I hope and hope that this will be the only hardship they
will face on their way to a baby. I remember very clearly how scary it is to
have this happen and all the questions and fears I had when this happened to
me. You are told how common it is, but it doesn’t make any difference. Within
the next few weeks, several people will announce their pregnancies and you will
pretend to be happy. You’ll remember at
the worst times and have to do everything to not cry.
And then, to make it all worse, your sister in law is
pregnant and you have to see her at every family function.
I promise to be there for you. I promise to do everything I
can to help you through this. You will get through it.
4 comments:
Oh Cheryl; I'm so sorry.
It sounds like you are doing everything "right", or at least as "heartfelt/sensitive" as you can. It's never easy; nothing about losing a baby is ever "fair". But even when I was going through loss, knowing that the pregnant lady had me and my wishes in her heart made it at least a little easier. And you definitely sound like you are showing that she is in your heart.
My prayers go up for her, and for you as well.
Prayers... I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry...for you all!
I bet having you around is a tremendous comfort to her. And I know you said many times this isn't about you, but really, universe? Doesn't this family get a pass this time?
It is amazing to me how hard it is as an adult to reconcile reality with what I had pictured. Don't minimize the feelings behind those cousin dreams. I can tell you that they are very powerful, especially when they aren't coming true.
I know your cousin dreams will happen and when they do, you will have a lot of love for that baby just like you already have for W because you know how wanted and special they are which is an amazing gift to give.
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