The last appointment.

I was awake for three hours Tuesday night and spent a lot of that time enjoying the baby moving and reading. I also spent a lot of time wishing I could go back to sleep. During the awake time, I had several contractions. Most of them were BH contractions, I'm sure. But a few actually hurt a little. Like period cramps, but not as bad (and my cramps are never anything bad). 

I figured I'd have a little more progress at my appointment yesterday. Mainly I was hoping the cervical check wouldn't hurt as bad. 

Well, it still hurt. My cervix is still behind the baby. But now I am 3.5 cm, 60% effaced and the baby is at a -2 station. M is totally freaked out and thinks we could have the baby at any minute. I am less sure. But maybe we will go into labor on our own... It seems a little more possible now. 

37 weeks and AWAKE

37 weeks down. Clearly, I'm ready for this to be over.  It's so bittersweet, though. I want to be done with pregnancy, but I'm trying to squeeze every last bit out of it. I hope this is my last pregnancy. I'll never have these little tiny elbows poking from the inside again. I'll never again get to sit with a giant laugh and hold my belly while it shakes like a bowl full of jelly. I'll never again have random strangers smile at me and hold doors open or let me go ahead of them. I'll never again have the excuse to let my thoughts come out of my mouth completely unfiltered. 

But I will be sleeping better. I swear I'm the only person who looks forward to the baby because I'll be sleeping better. I know it could get worse ... But I've been wide awake at 4:30 every morning and my body will not let me sleep before 10:30 at night. And there's all the long hours of laying awake between. 

The baby's going home outfit is washed. The bassinet is set up. We are installing the car seat bases today after dinner. We are SO close to being ready. I'm also almost completely ready at work. That means the baby will not be here anytime soon. 

I had the GBS test last week at the doctor. And I currently weigh 8 pounds less than my husband. I have to keep feeding him late night desserts. It was the first of the no pants appointments and I was sweaty. Of course. So they gave me the little blanket to cover up and I threw it on the floor. The doctor walked in and I was sitting there all spread out with nothing covering the bottom half of my body. And I didn't give a single F about it. The doctor checked me and I was 1cm and VERY high. That meant it was the most uncomfortable thing ever. I might ask them to skip the next time (no I won't).  And, as usual for me, I had to peel the table paper of when the appointment was over. 

10 days left of work. 

2 weeks and 3 days until we have a baby. 

35 Weeks and Officially Disgusting

I had my appointment on Wednesday and I got some disturbing news: I have a fungal infection on my underbelly. Think about that for a second. I essentially have athlete's foot on my belly. From being disgusting. The doctor breezed over it. "Oh, do you have some itching" (a little) "You have a small spot of yeast on your belly down here. Get some {blah blah can't understand-izol} creme, the stuff for jock itch, and put it on the spot. That will help." Then she told me that next appointment (the 17th) will be the Group B strep test and my first cervical check. So last week was my last pants-on appointment and now I get to sweat through the paper on the table while I wait for the fun (who doesn't love the cervical checks!) bits. I have the creme and I now cover my bottom half in gold bond powder every morning to lessen the sweatyness. I'm not sure if it helps. 

Anyway. 

Baby is head down. Heart rate was 140-150s. 

Since I had an extra long weekend (W was sick on Wednesday, so I had 5 days off!), I got a ton of work done on the nursery. M got his tools out of the way and hung the curtains for me. We brought up lots of boxes from the basement. I did 4 loads of laundry* and folded everything. I still have 3 boxes left to sort out and at least two more loads of laundry. I will set up the crib with the bumper and then take it out when we actually start using the crib in a few months. I am crazy. 

W helped me sort out baby stuff. I pulled out a ton of breast pads that I hated (why did I keep them?) and he found the baby food containers. I got distracted by organizing the linen closet (everything! must! be! perfect!) and came back in to see every baby food container filled with a breast pad. He told me the diapers were ready for the baby. 

*Laundry: I know (because I am smart) that I don't need to use dreft. I know that the scent free/dye free detergent that I already use for myself is perfectly fine for the baby stuff. I also know that dreft smells like babies and I love it. So I bought one container and I promise not to buy anymore. But you know what was frustrating? Standing in Target looking at my options (I could only find a picture of one. You can guess what the other looked like): 

So, right there and then I had to decide the sex of my baby. I ended up picking the girl detergent. Only because they had one bottle of boy detergent and three bottles of girl. I didn't want someone who knew they had a boy on the way facing the crisis of buying GIRL detergent for their baby BOY. The horror!

26 Week appointment

Well, I liked the sugar drink again. I enjoyed the quiet 45 minutes after my appointment to sit and read my book. I loved my McDonald's breakfast afterwards. Hopefully, we'll get good news from this appointment. Last time I needed to start taking iron pills after the results came back. That's not so bad. I'm not too worried about the diabetes. 

The actual appointment was super-fast with a doctor I had never met. I didn't like that part too much. She was running late and barely talked to me. The heart rate was in the 140s and my measurement looked good. She did give me a pamphlet on Cord Blood donation. I looked into this when I was pregnant with W and I really wanted to do it, but it wasn't widely available in my state. Now it is offered as a normal procedure at my hospital, so we will definitely sign up (I have to wait until 28 weeks). 

So, on we go! I'm into the two-week appointments now and I have the next four scheduled. One of them is with the doctor who did my c-section. I'm going to do everything I can to have her do this one if needed. For those of you who have had repeat (scheduled) c-sections, when did you set the date? 

22 weeks and 23 weeks

Pregnancy brain made me leave my 22 week post in with the drafts, so here are two weeks at once: 

22 Weeks: 

I took off a day to recover from my cold. It was a great idea. I haven't been too busy at work and the extra sleep seemed to get me back to normal. I really struggled with taking the day off. I've been hoarding my vacation time for maternity leave. My goal is to have 3 weeks of vacation and I had some cushion built in so I could justify taking a few days before my due date, too. Then I ended up at home on Monday because W was sick. So my cushion is gone and that makes me sad. It's not a big deal, I just like knowing that I had those extra days. I probably will still take off before my due date!

I am doing great at 22 weeks. I had an appointment April 8th and the doctor had to chase the baby down to get the heartbeat - it was in the low 150s. Next appointment is the orange drink! 

I'm getting bigger. It is happening in small bursts. I have a day or two of feeling like my skin is too small and then the next day my MIL says I look bigger. My boobs are all veiny now. It is gross to see. I keep them covered! 

23 Weeks: 

I saw the baby move from the outside last night! It was awesome. M saw it, too. 

I can see now why a lot of people are one and done. I am so happy and excited about another baby, but the idea is also exhausting. Dealing with W in the mornings is hard and I know it's because I'm already tired and impatient before I see him. I'm trying my best not to take it out on him. He can be a handful, but he can also be the sweetest thing ever. I know he just doesn't understand why I can't pick him up all the time. The other reason is that W is (normally) so easy and fits so well into our daily life. It's not going to be like this with 2 kids!

Tonight I am getting out my pregnancy body pillow (my nest). I need back support at night. I think that will make me a happier person during the day!

It's not all tiredness and complaining, though. I normally feel great. And seriously, this baby is a mover. I love it. Any minute I have any doubts, I just need to sit still and I get a little poke. I feel like this pregnancy is moving way faster than W's. I guess it's because I am so focused on W that I don't have time to sit around and ponder this pregnancy. 

I have a prenatal massage scheduled for Friday and W will be spending the night with some family. That will be a great time to just sit around and ponder. I can't wait. 

Ultrasound pictures

Here are a few pictures from all of the scans we've had with this baby. Some of them are very unique. I 'd say the 9 week one is not really identifiable as a baby. But I love them all!

6 weeks, 5 days

9 weeks, 5 days

NT Scan: 11 weeks, 3 days

Anatomy Scan: 19 weeks, 3 days

18 Week appointment

W was sick yesterday, so M couldn't come to the appointment with me. He stayed at home all day with the little guy because I have a deadline at work this week that is coming up fast. MIL ended up coming with me. I wasn't worried because this baby is a mover, but I still can't take the idea of going to one of these appointments alone. 

I got there and had to pee so bad. I don't know why I do that to myself. I almost forgot to pee in the cup. I remembered at the last second and pretty much peed all over my hand (not the first time). The nurse said that people forget all the time. 

Our appointment was fast and perfect. The baby's heart rate was 156. The doctor told me a repeat c-section would be scheduled right around my due date, so I won't be getting to 41 weeks with this one. That's a relief! MIL was very involved. She stood next to me and pushed on my belly when the doctor did it. I think a lot of people would be annoyed about that, but I know she's very excited and it didn't bother me. She started crying when we heard the heartbeat. It's been a rough week for her with SIL's miscarriage and then M's grandfather passed away over the weekend. I was very happy I could provide a moment of happiness in the middle of all this. 

The funeral services for Ms grandfather will be Wednesday and Thursday. I'm worried about SIL will feel during everything. It will be the first time we see some family members since the baby announcement and I'm sure lots of them will be gushing about it. Hopefully I can redirect their attention and keep the baby talk to a minimum. I'm going to talk to her about it beforehand. I wish I could tell everyone to just not talk about it! 

My next regular appointment is April 8th. Our anatomy scan is March 19th in the afternoon. 

14 Weeks and a heartbeat!

We had a great appointment yesterday! We didn't have to wait long and the doctor found the heartbeat right away. It was in the 160s and steady. I am still giddy about it!

After that, she threw me a curve ball. She asked, "Have you thought about delivery?" I couldn't believe she was bringing it up so early. I almost couldn't answer. Since M and I have only talked about VBAC a little and do not agree on it, I had her explain everything. The office lines up right with what I want. If I go into labor on my own, I can try to push the baby out. They will not induce me. I will have a C-section date scheduled. I am so happy they are supportive. I would LOVE to have a VBAC. I don't want to spend days in the hospital again. I don't want to deal with the recovery while having W and a baby around.

Of course, if it comes down to it, I'll be ok with another c-section. I'm not worried about it. They say planned ones are easier and recovery is better. And I'll have so much fiber in me that the poop thing is NOT going to be an issue (right?).

I think M feels better about it now. I'll send him some articles I have so he can be informed. His main issue is going through all the labor and pushing and ending up with the surgery anyway. It could still happen. But it won't be as bad as last time. If I do go into labor, we'll be at home for a while.

Telling our friends over the weekend was fun. We had W in a big brother t-shirt and lots of them didn't notice. They read the shirt and didn't get it! It was funny. We're slowly telling everyone now. I'm telling my coworkers at an office lunch today. M is telling his coworkers. I had W wear his t-shirt to daycare today. We still have to tell our siblings. We just can't get to see them! M's brother has been sick and my brothers are out of state (we'll see them in two weeks). I feel bad that they are finding out last, but they don't have to know that other people know!

11 weeks and the NT scan

We had out NT scan this morning. It was different than the other ones I had. This one started with a meeting. We had already met with the genetic counselor in November so I thought this was some sort of follow up. It wasn't. It is standard practice at the hospital now. They actually explain exactly what they are looking for in the ultrasound. I learned a few new things. 

Then we headed in for the scan. I had a good feeling about this today, but that didn't stop my nerves. I hated the scanning of my ovaries and all those measurements where I could vaguely see a baby pass by on the screen. During one of the measurements I thought I saw the baby move, so I started to calm down a bit. After she started to focus on the baby, I just couldn't stop smiling. We saw a beautiful baby measuring 11 weeks, 5 days. It took a while for the baby to get in a good position so we got an extra long look and the baby kept moving. We saw hands and feet and that perfect heartbeat. The heart rate was 171 and I sometimes couldn't take my eyes off of that. 

We were able to clearly see a nasal bone and the fold measurement was within the normal range (I think it was 0.7 mm, but that's just based on what I saw on the screen). 

Because of this ultrasound, I'm going to revise my due date to August 10th, which is what the doctor has for me anyway. It reduces my confusion and gives me 3 extra days that I got to skip over! 

I feel so lucky and blessed today. It is starting to feel real. This could actually happen. M and I had some time in the ultrasound room while we waited for the official results. It was the first time we talked about some future for this baby. He is still adamant about having another C-section (I told him we needed to talk to the doctor about that). He said he wouldn't mind finding out if the baby is a boy or girl (we're not finding out). We talked about some changes we want to make to the nursery (we agree on that!). 

As for me, my terrible cold is winding down. I'm still coughing, but I haven't peed my pants in days. I was able to stay up late enough to watch the Ravens win on Sunday and then I stayed up past 9 pm yesterday to see the beautiful Mrs. Obama dance at one of the balls. 

I'm so happy today!

9 week ultrasound

The appointment today had a lot of waiting. We were early and the office wasn't even open yet. We had to sit in my car and play on our phones until we saw the door unlock. The nurse stuff was normal. I've lost 4 pounds since the last appointment (this cold means I'm not very interested in dessert). Then we waited in the office for about 20 minutes before the doctor came in. Usually we sit in silence because I can't talk about anything, but we spent the wait time discussing dinner for our anniversary. We're going to Baltimore on Friday night and taking W to the in-laws for a sleepover. I'm excited. 

By the time the doctor showed up, I was actually pretty calm. I was very afraid before because the weird cloudy pee was not there on Tuesday (it was back on Wednesday). She tried an external ultrasound, but there was only blur. I did not worry about this because I didn't think you could really see anything at this point. Then she went for the inside ultrasound and kept the screen turned away from me. I'm not really into that, but M could see. I watch his face and he started to smile and then he nodded for me. Hooray! We got a quick little picture and the baby is measuring perfectly (which means a little ahead because they consider me due 3 days before I do). I didn't get to see much on the screen, but my picture is a little peanut with a placenta, body and either horns, arms or legs. I can't tell. It is beautiful. 

Next appointment is the First Trimester Screening on the 22nd. 

I'm very happy. 

Heartbeat!

I'm home from the first appointment. I was a huge mess once I got to the room. I was ok this morning and ok while I was in the waiting room. But when I got into the room, I couldn't really keep it together. Ugh. 

The doctor was poking around in there when she said, "Are you sure of your dates?" And my heart sunk. Those are not words you want to hear. Then she tipped the screen towards me and I could see the little flicker. We're measuring a day or two behind. I am not concerned about this because when I called to make the appointment, I blanked on my LMP. So I guessed (off by a few days). I call myself 6w2d, she was looking for 6w5d. We were measuring at least 6 mm and the heartbeat was there. I didn't get a number, but the flicker looked great to me. 

All is well. 

After a few minutes, the stress came pouring out of me and I started ugly crying. The doctor left so I could get dressed and calm down. M had tears in his eyes, too. I told her I wanted to come in more often (with W I went every 2 weeks). She compromised for 3 weeks and told me I needed to relax about this. She saw me at my most worked up. I am worried, but I'm not walking around pent up like that all the time. These appointments are huge turning points for me. M and I didn't even talk about LUNCH after the appointment because I so afraid of the results.  

I have my next two appointments scheduled (that was a little scary for me) and the NT scan is all set up. I'll be back to the doctor on January 10th. 

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. 

Genetic counseling

We had our appointment with the genetic counselor and the Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor today. The first thing I did was fill out a life history of sorts. It was 5 pages of all of my health history. I got to list all of my pregnancies on a form. They had five slots. Lucky me, I didn’t have to ask for another paper! The nurse asked me my due date. Sorry, not pregnant!

The genetic counselor sat with us for about an hour. She wanted to know complete family history back to our grandparents. We talked about every person’s pregnancies and children. I came prepared with everything written out for her, so she could follow that easily. During this discussion, we learned the difference between second cousins and first cousins once removed. The “removed” means that they are on a different generation. Second cousins are in the same generation. My grandfather’s brother’s children are my mom’s first cousins. They are my first cousins, once removed. Their children and my second cousins. Neat.

In making the family history, I found out a lot about losses in my family. I didn’t know about a lot of them. It’s rough to know that they went through it, and very sad.

Our family histories both looked pretty good. We don’t have histories of repeat losses, we don’t have birth defects or any disabilities. That is all good news for us.

My chromosomes have already been checked, so we know it’s good on my side. We also think M’s are fine. We are still having his checked because he may have a translocation (that was fully explained to us and now makes sense to me)*. We don’t know if this is the problem and we hope that it is not. But it is something to check.

The Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor came in afterwards to discuss her opinions. She wants to check my homocysteine levels. That is an extension of the blood clotting disorders, kind of an indicator of how my body is reacting to the MTHFR. If they are abnormal, it would mean taking more blood thinners. Not a huge deal.

I am not having a hysterogram or anything right now. It’s an option, but we agreed that it’s not something to look into right now.

Now we wait until the results come back. It will take about 2 weeks.

*Translocations, as I heard it: When this happens, parts of two chromosomes are switched. The person with the translocation is fine, because they have all of their chromosomes, they just happen to be in the wrong place. This becomes a problem when your cells divide for reproduction. The sperm or the egg only gets ½ of the chromosomes, so if you get the part with the translocated chromosomes, you are missing some that you need and getting too many of others. So in most cases, a baby cannot grow from this. 

The follow up

I had my follow up-appointment on Friday morning. It was a good one. I got to leave my pants on. In fact, the entire appointment took place in the doctor’s office. I got to sit in a chair.

I arrived and they took my weight and blood pressure. My weight keeps creeping up, but whatever. I don’t care about that now. Then the nurse took me back to a regular exam room and asked me a few questions about the miscarriage. She asked me if she thought I passed everything. I told her I was pretty sure. I feel fine and the bleeding stopped. So she just had me sit on the table. Then I waited for a while. I could hear the appointment in the room next store. I heard the Doppler come on and I heard them search for the baby’s heartbeat. I had a few seconds of anger at the person who was having a great appointment. Then it turned to fear while I waited for them to find it and I prayed for that girl until I heard the right sound. Then I went back to being mad. The doctor came in to get me and took me back to her office. That made me feel better. It’s easier to ask questions when you are in a real chair.

I’d never met this doctor before. I wanted to meet with the doctor who did my c-section, but I would have had to wait until mid-November to see her. So I picked this one. She is new to the practice. She had already looked through my file. She told me that 4 miscarriages is too much. I agreed. I cried a little. She went through my records and we talked about all the tests I had done. We found out that I have already had my chromosomes checked. I didn’t know that was done, but I was happy to know that’s one less thing to worry about. I saw a picture of them. They looked normal, I guess. She gave me a referral to the Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctor and the genetic counselor. Then she went through and gave me a list of the questions I should ask both doctors. I don’t have the list with me, but I’ll outline all of them after the appointment. Then we talked about trying again. I am to call the office immediately and get a prescription for progesterone. Who knows if that’s the problem, but it’s a simple step to take. She also told me to wait until January. That made me sad, but she explained that the miscarriage risk is slightly higher in the months following a miscarriage. She wanted to rule out that for a reason. I understand and I guess we’ll wait.

I’m tired of waiting.

The big appointment is November 1^st at 9 am. M will be with me. We have to bring complete family histories of pregnancies and pregnancy problems. This means talking to our parents about this. It won’t be a problem from my mom. She already knows about this last one and will be more than willing to help. She’d come to the appointment if I wanted her there. I have to ask my father about it. I’ll do that all over email (later on today). I’m not sure how much he’ll know about his mom, but he might be able to ask his sisters about it. We also have to ask M’s mom for information about his family history. We know her mother had a lot of problems (and 6 living children). I’m sad that I have to drag all of those old feelings up. I’ll call her tonight to talk about it. I’m not sure how to frame this conversation. She knows about 3 of the 4. Do I just tell her about the last one? Do I just refer to “problems” or what? I’ll probably cry, which won’t make this any easier. 

And the award goes to...

Congratulations, #4, on being the grossest miscarriage yet! I was actually at the point last night where I considered calling the on call doctor and talking to them about the whole filling a pad in an hour thing. I wasn’t exactly there, it’s just a lot of blood. I was kind of worried about bleeding out overnight and not having anyone home to notice (M is on a work trip, of course). Sorry for grossing you out (and I’m sure this isn’t the first time). Don’t worry. That didn’t happen. I’m fine today. Not even light headed! Today I’m relying on the tampon-pad combination, which I don’t like to do during miscarriages*. The super is done after 2.5 hours. And I’m wearing dark pants. I don’t have a lot of dark pants. This is a laid back business casual office and khaki pants are the usual. But at least these pants are loose.

The doctor’s office didn’t call me back yesterday, so I called again this morning and left a message that included the phrase “a lot of bleeding” and “I’d like to see a doctor.” Hopefully those are the magic words.

I’m pretty upset that we are out of M&Ms in the office snack cabinet.

 * Unless one is a medical professional, one should NOT HAVE TO HAVE AN OPINION on the use of tampons during a miscarriage. What the hell. 

Bloodwork

I went in for the bloodwork yesterday and they had me in the schedule wrong. My appointment wasn't until today at 4:30. But I said the magic word "miscarriage" and they switched it right then. So I was able to get in and have my blood drawn. I didn't talk to a nurse or anyone. The lady taking my blood didn't say anything. It was kind of cold feeling. If this had been my first one, I would have been very confused. I went to schedule the next blood draw and I had to tell the scheduler what I needed and why and when. Hooray for being super informed about miscarriage! 

The bleeding had picked up earlier in the afternoon. By evening it was like a regular period. I don't have any cramping or anything. It's not even especially heavy. This is nothing like my first natural miscarriage. That one was at 5 weeks, 3 days. This one was at 4 weeks, 6 days. Only 4 days different, but I guess none of them are ever the same. 

I'm going to call the nurse this afternoon and find out if the number is back yet. Hopefully it will be low enough to cancel the next blood draw. Then I can just schedule a follow up appointment and get this one over with. 

I'm not sure about what I'll do for testing. I'm considering some chromosomal tests, but I'm a little worried about the cost and what will be covered. Not that we can't do it, but we just bought the house and we've had some expensive car problems this past month. I don't want to test just for giggles. I only want to do it if it makes sense. I'm fairly sure W's chromosomes are normal and I had the tests from my first D&C come back normal, too. I didn't have any testing done on the first one or the blighted ovum. I also won't have any tests done on this one. 

Emotionally, I'm doing ok. I've had some shakey moments today, but mostly I'm ok. We had a great distraction last night with a baseball game. It was weird when I was standing there and I would remember what was happening. You can feel very much by yourself when you are in a stadium with 50,000 cheering people and you feel sad. 

Follow up

I’m back from the follow up appointment. It was pretty typical. No pants, which always makes me uneasy. The doctor gave me the usual speech, but she was very nice about it. That made me cry because I cry when people are nice to me. Everything looks normal. We are to wait one cycle and then we’re free to try again.

She gave me the option of getting my uterus checked for polyps or anything out of the ordinary. She didn’t think it was necessary, though, because I have W. And I agree.

I’ll talk to M tonight about the appointment and maybe we’ll discuss what happens next.

I did email my friend about her pregnancy and her reply was great. I think she was happy that I reached out to her. I’m lucky to have friends like that.

Wednesday

I took W to daycare late. Everything seems better with him around, so we cuddled in the morning and played together for a while. I dropped him off around 10 and everyone was asking why he was late. At least no one asked when we’re going to have another (they ask me at least once a week). I just said that we wanted to spend some time together (that was true).

M picked me up and we went to the fancy ultrasound place. I couldn’t see the screen, but M could. The tech was nice. She knew what was going on and was kind and told me what she was going to do. She did an abdominal scan first then let me pee and did an internal*. When she was measuring the sack, I saw M step closer and lean in a little bit. I could see his face. It’s not like I had any hope that we’d be told everything was ok, but I watched him just in case. When he stepped away and leaned against the door again, I knew for sure. The scan probably took 20 minutes. I started to get bored. They should have something on the ceiling in there.

We had to wait for a while to talk to their doctor. The tv in the waiting room was showing the Match Game. We got pretty involved. It felt so surreal. We’re just hanging out waiting for a doctor to verify that we don’t have a baby and we’re arguing about fill in the blank questions and giggling about the 70s outfits. The doctor finally called us back and we had a brief conversation in the hallway. He knew this was out 3rd and actually said “at least you know you are fertile” and we told him that we have a son, so we can even have a baby. I couldn’t be mad about the comment. He was trying so hard.

So then we had 1.5 hours to spend before the next appointment. We went to lunch – Lamb kabobs! – and then to the library. The appointment at my doctors office was more than I expected. I had to pee in a cup again, I had to get weight and blood pressure again. When I got into the exam room, the nurse asked if I was going to need to get undressed. I said no. I can’t talk to doctors with no pants on. She came in (I had never met this doctor before) and we talked about my options. I could wait it out, get some meds to start cramping or a d&c. M and I had talked at lunch about what we wanted to do. We both agreed that a d&c was what we wanted. I just wanted it over with. I don’t want to spend a few days sitting in my house bleeding. I’ve already done that once before. It’s too much emotionally. It’s not for me. After we made the decision, I had to take my pants off for another quick exam. No ultrasound (I definitely didn’t want to see it again), but she had to look at stuff for her notes and for the surgery.

Then off to wait for more bloodwork (HCG, Progesterone and a typical blood type). While I was waiting for the blood, a lady came over to give me the appointment for the d&c. I was happy to have it so quickly. I hate waiting. I have to be at the hospital at 9:45 on Friday, surgery is at 11:40.

We went shopping after the appointment. Why not? I’ve been wearing threadbare jeans that I wasn’t going to replace because I was going to be in Maternity pants soon anyway. We went straight to kohl’s and I bought 2 new pairs of good jeans. Then we picked up W and went home.

After dinner, I sat down to call the moms. I think this part is worse than the appointments we had today. It was better than last time – at least I wasn’t breaking their hearts because they were dreaming about another grandbaby. They didn’t know anything, so this was completely out of the blue. M’s mom cried and asked lots of questions. My mom (a nurse) was more quiet and got off the phone in just a few minutes. My dad called a few minutes later (the call from him last time was the most emotional of them all). He was crying (now I’m crying) and told me that he knew we’d be ok. He said it just like this: “I know you guys will be ok … … … I hope.” And I just starting laughing. “Did you just say you HOPE we’ll be ok???? What a vote of confidence!!” And he started laughing and that was wonderful. I felt much better.

W has not wanted to leave my side since Tuesday afternoon. It’s like he knows. He just wants me to hold him or sit next to him. He won’t let go of me at daycare. He’s something special. I’m so thankful to have him.

I’ll update again after Friday. I like having a record of everything that happens.

*Side note – with this internal scan, she gave me the wand to stick in there. That was awkward. I’ve never had to do that before. Maybe it’s less awkward than the doctor sticking it up there? Maybe they are both equally awkward? Maybe I’m just awkward?

Tuesday

The appointment was at 4, so I had the entire day to wait. I felt pretty nervous and tried to talk myself out of it. After all, I had my symptoms and everything seemed great. I did look up blighted ovum at one point, thinking that if I could just see the statistics, I would feel better. I was sweaty and had a stomachache by the time I was in the doctor’s office. M was with me, so we just kind of sat there and didn’t talk about anything.

The doctor came in and did the normal check up stuff and talked to me a little before starting the ultrasound. She started looking around and I could see the sack. She got closer and scanned through the sack once without seeing anything. I still had hope at this point. I grabbed M’s hand as she went through a second time, much slower. Still nothing. She measured the sack, but couldn’t get the machine to give the dating measurement. She said it looked small. After a little more looking, she turned it off and we talked about it. She asked if my dates could be off. I told her that I had a positive test on the 21st. That is way too early to not see anything by now. She agreed. She left so I could get dressed. When she came back, I had an appointment at a nearby ultrasound place for Wednesday and a follow up with a different doctor afterwards.

We were upset. M was stoic. He waited with me while I had some blood drawn. We sat next to another couple who were smiling and giggling to each other. I went home and M went to pick up W. Then we didn’t do anything for the rest of the evening. I emailed my bosses to tell them what happened and a girl in my office so she could pick up some work that I needed done on Wednesday.

I had lots of support. Two friends who knew and my internet group. It was like I had 20 people on standby waiting for my news.

This isn’t as bad as last time. It was early. We never got our hopes up. We have W. But I’m still angry and constantly yelling FUCK in my mind.

Empty sack.

Not much else to say really. I have another ultrasound with a high-tech machine tomorrow at 11. Then a follow up at my doctor's office at 1:30.

So I'm pissed off.

And, unfortunately, stuck with my pollyanna attitude that keeps nagging me: At least it happened now and not a month from now! Isn't it better this way?

40 Weeks

Hi! It's my due date! Where's that baby???

The good: I've made it to a fully cooked little (big?) baby! We're both healthy and happy. One of us is a little too happy... I am fully prepared to have a child in this house. I have cereal now.

The bad: Well, it's my due date and the baby is still in my belly. That's not why I was counting down to today!

The ugly: Me. I'm not in too bad shape, but I know poor M must think I'm gross. I'm just really a huge lump of sweat and farts that has to pee a lot. He's being nice and pushing my butt to help me get off the couch. But I'm gross and I know it.

The Appointment:
I did not gain any weight this week. This is the first thing I've had that I can find on my "what happens before labor list" that we get in childbirth class. The Drill Sergent told us that we would stop gaining weight or loose a little right before we have the baby. I am pretending that it doesn't matter that this was a morning appointment and I usually am in there right after lunch.

I measured myself with the tape before the doctor got in there because they never tell me where I am. It said 39 weeks. M said that means I have another week. I told him to never talk to me again. Then the doctor came in. She said I measured on time. I am 3-4 cm dilated and the baby is "way up there." So that's progress and I know I won't have to worry about going to the hospital and having them tell me I'm at a 1. That would suck.

I asked her about work and told her I stopped going on Friday. She said to just leave the disability forms at the front desk and they'll get them filled out for me. That's a great thing. Now I won't feel (semi)guilty about not working this week. And I can get another week out of my very crappy short term disability.

Then we started talking induction. I wanted to go as soon as possible. She said Tuesday. One of us is a doctor, so that person wins. I am currently waiting for a phone call from the nurse to get that scheduled.

Then for the fun! I got a Non Stress Test, which was awesome. I got to curl up in a huge comfy recliner and listen to the baby's heart beat for 20 minutes. M got to sit with me on a wooden chair. He had to pee, but he was afraid he'd miss something. So he just sat with me the whole time. I called my mom so she could hear the monitor and she liked it. The doctor took a look at the chart and pronounced us good. The heart beat was steady the whole time.

Next was an ultrasound to check the fluid. The baby looks SO different now. I couldn't tell what anything was, not even the head. We were on an old machine, so you can't really see much anyway, but she measured the fluid pockets and checked the position. Everything is perfect.

I guess I couldn't ask for anything more. We're both doing great, so there is no need to induce me now. That's a good thing (I keep telling myself). And with this much dilation... I could still go at any time (right?).

The emotional stuff: So, May 18th (Tuesday, induction day) is exactly one year since we found out our baby died. The worst day of my entire life. I could be leaving the hospital with a new baby one year after leaving with no baby. This is kind of hard for me to take. I told M I didn't really want the baby born on the 18th or 19th because those are bad days for me. But I also think that maybe it will be ok... I mean, it's like having a baby on Sept 11... it brings some good back into that day. Something positive.