For Leda... if you look closely you can see that I wrote "picture" on my hand so I wouldn't forget tonight.
Also, check out that boob overflow! H-O-T!!
Damn, girl! I think that bump looks better in pictures than it does in person!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
21 Weeks!
Is this a milestone where the baby can start drinking? That would be nice (and timely) for tomorrow!
Ah, alas… I will not drink tomorrow. My 2nd NYE without the booze.
Anyway, back to 21 weeks!
The Good: movement, movement, movement, maternity clothes.
The Bad: Dropping Sh!t. I was bad at dropping stuff before. Now I’m awful. We made breakfast for the inlaws on Saturday and I dropped a piece of cheese of the ground. My brother in law was right there, so I gave it to him to throw away. I looked up ten seconds later and caught his eye. He was eating it.
I broke the scale this morning! M told me I must be getting really fat now! I lost my balance when I stepped on it and cracked the window. M does not think this is funny.
The Ugly: That wasteland between my boobs is gross. I am a “blessed” girl in that area and, since September, I’ve become more blessed. I need to get new bras. I KNOW it. Right now, my chest is crammed into an old bra and I itch like mad. This happened before. I have zits in between my boobs, so I decided to put some medicine on it (benzyl peroxide only). The medicine is fine on my face, but apparently gives me a gross rash when used elsewhere. Gross. GROSS. All red and itchy. And to make it worse, I keep dropping saltines down there and they make the itching worse. I want to go to the fancy store to get fitted by the fancy people and find good maternity bras that will last. But I’m afraid to go there with my zits and rash. I’ll wait for the rash to clear up and then re-evaluate.
The Question: I’m headed to the bookstore to use some gift cards this weekend. We’re going to get a baby name book. I also want to get The Happiest Baby on the Block. Any other recommendations for a not-to-crunchy future mom? Maybe a book about birth that will make me feel good about my decision to go drug free until I feel the tiniest bit uncomfortable (just so I can say I tried?).
The Update: A coworker just asked me if I'm pregnant! I thought everyone knew, but he wasn't here the day I told everybody. I'm so excited!
Ah, alas… I will not drink tomorrow. My 2nd NYE without the booze.
Anyway, back to 21 weeks!
The Good: movement, movement, movement, maternity clothes.
The Bad: Dropping Sh!t. I was bad at dropping stuff before. Now I’m awful. We made breakfast for the inlaws on Saturday and I dropped a piece of cheese of the ground. My brother in law was right there, so I gave it to him to throw away. I looked up ten seconds later and caught his eye. He was eating it.
I broke the scale this morning! M told me I must be getting really fat now! I lost my balance when I stepped on it and cracked the window. M does not think this is funny.
The Ugly: That wasteland between my boobs is gross. I am a “blessed” girl in that area and, since September, I’ve become more blessed. I need to get new bras. I KNOW it. Right now, my chest is crammed into an old bra and I itch like mad. This happened before. I have zits in between my boobs, so I decided to put some medicine on it (benzyl peroxide only). The medicine is fine on my face, but apparently gives me a gross rash when used elsewhere. Gross. GROSS. All red and itchy. And to make it worse, I keep dropping saltines down there and they make the itching worse. I want to go to the fancy store to get fitted by the fancy people and find good maternity bras that will last. But I’m afraid to go there with my zits and rash. I’ll wait for the rash to clear up and then re-evaluate.
The Question: I’m headed to the bookstore to use some gift cards this weekend. We’re going to get a baby name book. I also want to get The Happiest Baby on the Block. Any other recommendations for a not-to-crunchy future mom? Maybe a book about birth that will make me feel good about my decision to go drug free until I feel the tiniest bit uncomfortable (just so I can say I tried?).
The Update: A coworker just asked me if I'm pregnant! I thought everyone knew, but he wasn't here the day I told everybody. I'm so excited!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
So Much to Say
I should have posted over the weekend. I can’t believe how much stuff I need to talk about! I’ll go in reverse order.
Appointment:
I had my doctor appointment Monday at 4 pm. Only one doctor was there, so we had to wait forever. That was fine. I read a magazine and M looked at a Chesapeake Bay picture book. I’m afraid we’re going to be driving around looking for spots he found in the book. The was the first appointment for this pregnancy where I wasn’t afraid. The baby was kicking me while we were waiting, and I was so happy to be able to relax. The nurse didn’t even pause or make a face when she took my blood pressure! I gained some weight, too (although the weight might have been the gigantic pit beef sandwich I had for lunch!). The baby’s heart rate was in the 140s the entire time. We got to hear it for a while because I asked the doctor some questions and she held the Doppler on my stomach while she answered them.
My questions and answers:
Q: Can you recommend a place for infant CPR?
A: Check out the American Heart Association website. I didn’t think this was very helpful. The only thing I could find was a kit so you can learn at home. I see the good points – We could do this whenever we wanted and then pass it on to family and friends. The bad points are that you don’t have an instructor watching you to tell you if your technique is wrong. That makes me nervous. I found some classes that the county offers for free. It is a long class, 8:30 – 1:30 on a Saturday. But you learn everything CPR related. That can’t hurt. I’ll talk to M to see if he has a preference.
Q: How long do you allow a pregnancy to last before induction?
A: If all is going well, they will induce at 41 weeks. If I get dilated and stall out around 3 cm for a week or so, they will induce after 39 weeks. This is only for normal sized babies and no health problems. I just wanted to know the policy.
Q: What do I need to do for cord blood donation?
A: Information is on this website. I think this website (you have to register) is run by a cord blood bank, so they make the donation sound like a terrible idea. We are more interested in donation, so I need to research a little more. I need to talk to my mom about this, too.
Q: Now that I’m feeling movement, when should I call if I notice a decrease in activity?
A: If I go more than a day without feeling anything, I can call and they’ll take a look at the baby. I am supposed to drink juice and then lay down to check for movement before calling (I’ve heard this everywhere). Around 24 weeks, I should start paying more attention and call if I don’t feel anything for a few hours. I’ve already noticed a pattern – I’ll have one day of crazy activity followed by a day or two of just random kicking.
Movement:
Like I said to the doctor, the kicks/punches are getting more and more regular and harder. M was able to feel one over the weekend. He’s so impatient! He’ll hold his hand there for about 10 seconds and then say he can’t feel anything. This one time, the baby had good timing and got him with a good, strong punch right in the palm of his hand.
Christmas:
Christmastime was great. We went to my parent’s house on Christmas eve and had brunch with friends and then dinner with my dad’s sister’s family. My brother and his family came over for breakfast on Christmas, my other brother and his wife came over for dinner. Then we went home so we could have M’s parents over for breakfast on Saturday. We spent Saturday afternoon at M’s aunt’s house with that entire side of the family. Then I passed out from exhaustion. Sunday and Monday were pure at-home days. We organized our closets and got rid of 7 trash bags of clothes. I moved everything I can’t wear out of reach and my closet looks empty. I have some generous friends and family! So many people gave me maternity clothes for my birthday and Christmas. I have plenty to wear for the next few months! Two people gave me maternity clothes to borrow. I had a fashion show for M. My friend’s clothes were fine, but M’s aunt’s clothes were hysterical. They were pretty old and I think that elastic may not have been invented for these clothes. She had 2 jumpsuits (I don’t know what else to call them). They were pants that kind of had a tank top attached to them? And had all the room you could ever need for a baby. I almost kept those just for the story. M would not let me take a picture.
That whole coworker situation:
{Removed so I don't have to worry about this biting me in the ass one day}
Sorry for the all over the place post! I’m caught up here now. I have 66 unread blogs in my reader!!
Bump picture to come tomorrow or the day after. I completely missed week 20!
Appointment:
I had my doctor appointment Monday at 4 pm. Only one doctor was there, so we had to wait forever. That was fine. I read a magazine and M looked at a Chesapeake Bay picture book. I’m afraid we’re going to be driving around looking for spots he found in the book. The was the first appointment for this pregnancy where I wasn’t afraid. The baby was kicking me while we were waiting, and I was so happy to be able to relax. The nurse didn’t even pause or make a face when she took my blood pressure! I gained some weight, too (although the weight might have been the gigantic pit beef sandwich I had for lunch!). The baby’s heart rate was in the 140s the entire time. We got to hear it for a while because I asked the doctor some questions and she held the Doppler on my stomach while she answered them.
My questions and answers:
Q: Can you recommend a place for infant CPR?
A: Check out the American Heart Association website. I didn’t think this was very helpful. The only thing I could find was a kit so you can learn at home. I see the good points – We could do this whenever we wanted and then pass it on to family and friends. The bad points are that you don’t have an instructor watching you to tell you if your technique is wrong. That makes me nervous. I found some classes that the county offers for free. It is a long class, 8:30 – 1:30 on a Saturday. But you learn everything CPR related. That can’t hurt. I’ll talk to M to see if he has a preference.
Q: How long do you allow a pregnancy to last before induction?
A: If all is going well, they will induce at 41 weeks. If I get dilated and stall out around 3 cm for a week or so, they will induce after 39 weeks. This is only for normal sized babies and no health problems. I just wanted to know the policy.
Q: What do I need to do for cord blood donation?
A: Information is on this website. I think this website (you have to register) is run by a cord blood bank, so they make the donation sound like a terrible idea. We are more interested in donation, so I need to research a little more. I need to talk to my mom about this, too.
Q: Now that I’m feeling movement, when should I call if I notice a decrease in activity?
A: If I go more than a day without feeling anything, I can call and they’ll take a look at the baby. I am supposed to drink juice and then lay down to check for movement before calling (I’ve heard this everywhere). Around 24 weeks, I should start paying more attention and call if I don’t feel anything for a few hours. I’ve already noticed a pattern – I’ll have one day of crazy activity followed by a day or two of just random kicking.
Movement:
Like I said to the doctor, the kicks/punches are getting more and more regular and harder. M was able to feel one over the weekend. He’s so impatient! He’ll hold his hand there for about 10 seconds and then say he can’t feel anything. This one time, the baby had good timing and got him with a good, strong punch right in the palm of his hand.
Christmas:
Christmastime was great. We went to my parent’s house on Christmas eve and had brunch with friends and then dinner with my dad’s sister’s family. My brother and his family came over for breakfast on Christmas, my other brother and his wife came over for dinner. Then we went home so we could have M’s parents over for breakfast on Saturday. We spent Saturday afternoon at M’s aunt’s house with that entire side of the family. Then I passed out from exhaustion. Sunday and Monday were pure at-home days. We organized our closets and got rid of 7 trash bags of clothes. I moved everything I can’t wear out of reach and my closet looks empty. I have some generous friends and family! So many people gave me maternity clothes for my birthday and Christmas. I have plenty to wear for the next few months! Two people gave me maternity clothes to borrow. I had a fashion show for M. My friend’s clothes were fine, but M’s aunt’s clothes were hysterical. They were pretty old and I think that elastic may not have been invented for these clothes. She had 2 jumpsuits (I don’t know what else to call them). They were pants that kind of had a tank top attached to them? And had all the room you could ever need for a baby. I almost kept those just for the story. M would not let me take a picture.
That whole coworker situation:
{Removed so I don't have to worry about this biting me in the ass one day}
Sorry for the all over the place post! I’m caught up here now. I have 66 unread blogs in my reader!!
Bump picture to come tomorrow or the day after. I completely missed week 20!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
20 Weeks!
Ohhhh-oh We’re halfway there!!!
OOOHHHH OHH! Livin’ on a prayer!!!
Take my hand and we’ll make it, I swear!
I hope that made your day. What’s better than a little Bon Jovi to light up the morning? My absolute favorite Bon Jovi song is “I Wish Everyday Could be Like Christmas” because it is true and beautiful. Bon Jovi, you speak to my soul….
Right, where was I? 20 whole weeks pregnant? With a baby that kicks me and lets me know s/he’s still there?
The good: The kicks, the flips, the acid reflux! I’m starting to feel like a real pregnant woman! I spent all weekend with a baby who wouldn’t slow down. My heart just bursts with all this activity. I could cry right now. I could cry at any second. I cry a lot because I’m so full of love and happiness this Christmas.
I loved this snowstorm over the weekend. I couldn’t shovel, so I got to follow around a 5 year old neighbor who wanted to walk around in other people’s footprints. I promise I tried to get her to not eat the icicle she picked off a car… but I kind of wanted to do it too.
M is being so cute with the snow and ice. Whenever we walk outside, he holds my hand and takes me to the car door so I won’t slip. I wish I could say this was just because of the pregnancy. It’s really because I fall down a lot anyway.
My zits seem to have cleared up. This could mean that they will come back full force just in time for Christmas. Hooray!
M and I were talking last night about how the baby can hear us. This, of course, led to us wondering if the baby can hear him fart. We will be wonderful, mature parents!
The bad: The baby barely moved at all on Monday, which had my head spinning. But the movement came back full force on Tuesday!!!
The ugly: The emotions. {Some stuff removed}
The good thing about being awake all night? Someone else was awake with me and getting a lot of exercise. I love it.
The other good thing about being so awake? I came in to work at 6:45 so I’m out of here at 3:45 pm for Christmas Vacation!!!! I probably won’t be updating over the holiday since I’ll be all over the place.
Merry, Merry Christmas!!!
OOOHHHH OHH! Livin’ on a prayer!!!
Take my hand and we’ll make it, I swear!
I hope that made your day. What’s better than a little Bon Jovi to light up the morning? My absolute favorite Bon Jovi song is “I Wish Everyday Could be Like Christmas” because it is true and beautiful. Bon Jovi, you speak to my soul….
Right, where was I? 20 whole weeks pregnant? With a baby that kicks me and lets me know s/he’s still there?
The good: The kicks, the flips, the acid reflux! I’m starting to feel like a real pregnant woman! I spent all weekend with a baby who wouldn’t slow down. My heart just bursts with all this activity. I could cry right now. I could cry at any second. I cry a lot because I’m so full of love and happiness this Christmas.
I loved this snowstorm over the weekend. I couldn’t shovel, so I got to follow around a 5 year old neighbor who wanted to walk around in other people’s footprints. I promise I tried to get her to not eat the icicle she picked off a car… but I kind of wanted to do it too.
M is being so cute with the snow and ice. Whenever we walk outside, he holds my hand and takes me to the car door so I won’t slip. I wish I could say this was just because of the pregnancy. It’s really because I fall down a lot anyway.
My zits seem to have cleared up. This could mean that they will come back full force just in time for Christmas. Hooray!
M and I were talking last night about how the baby can hear us. This, of course, led to us wondering if the baby can hear him fart. We will be wonderful, mature parents!
The bad: The baby barely moved at all on Monday, which had my head spinning. But the movement came back full force on Tuesday!!!
The ugly: The emotions. {Some stuff removed}
The good thing about being awake all night? Someone else was awake with me and getting a lot of exercise. I love it.
The other good thing about being so awake? I came in to work at 6:45 so I’m out of here at 3:45 pm for Christmas Vacation!!!! I probably won’t be updating over the holiday since I’ll be all over the place.
Merry, Merry Christmas!!!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Tuesday
After all my complaining about no one congratulating us on this pregnancy, I got some Christmas cards over the weekend with little notes of excitement in them. That’s something, so I’ll take it!
One of the cards was from M’s Great Aunt J. Aunt J is a nun from Boston who is somewhere around 80 years old. If you know any nuns in their 80s, then you know that they tend to be amazing people. She sent me a prayer card for St. Gerard, the patron saint of expectant mothers. She wrote in her note how she was praying for us and all sorts of stuff that had me sobbing like a fool. She even enclosed a tissue for my tears. A few hours later, I was showing M’s mom the prayer card when a little medal fell out of the tissue. Turns out she wasn’t trying to make me cry!! I keep this with me now whenever I’m awake. If I’m wearing a low-cut shirt (which is all the time), I keep it in my pocket.
One of the cards was from M’s Great Aunt J. Aunt J is a nun from Boston who is somewhere around 80 years old. If you know any nuns in their 80s, then you know that they tend to be amazing people. She sent me a prayer card for St. Gerard, the patron saint of expectant mothers. She wrote in her note how she was praying for us and all sorts of stuff that had me sobbing like a fool. She even enclosed a tissue for my tears. A few hours later, I was showing M’s mom the prayer card when a little medal fell out of the tissue. Turns out she wasn’t trying to make me cry!! I keep this with me now whenever I’m awake. If I’m wearing a low-cut shirt (which is all the time), I keep it in my pocket.
**********
{Removed some complaining}
Another coworker brought in cornbread and came over to let me know as soon as she got here. She is concerned that I’m not big enough and wants me to eat all I can. I think I’m in love with her.
**********
Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I guess 30 isn’t so bad. Here are some pictures of my birthday snow!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Three-Zero
Thirty. Just look at that word for a minute. It even looks old. But for real? There’s no way I’m mature enough to be thirty.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I know they're happy for me, but...
I was thinking about the post I wrote about the different reactions I’m getting to this pregnancy. I’d like to make a comparison. Tons of people sent cards filled with joy and good wishes when we announced our pregnancy in mid-May. We had already gotten cards from our moms, who sent them over within a week of getting our news. We got a rush of cards after the big announcement. We even got cards after my D&C.
Let’s talk about those cards that arrived after the miscarriage. One card showed up the day we found out our baby didn’t have a heartbeat. Another two followed in the next day or two. That last wave of cards was rough, I admit it. I cried when the card M’s grandmother sent arrived the day of my D&C. I cried a lot. I did feel like I had taken so much away from her. I gathered the cards up and hid them under the bed. I haven’t looked at them since. But I remember them and I remember the joy that our friends and family had for us.
Afterwards, we got a whole new set of cards. I think we got more sympathy cards than congratulatory cards. Cards and flowers and food and notes and I cherished each one. Everything made me cry, but I still felt the love they sent. A little cry is worth knowing that someone loves you.
I wish – and not in a selfish way – that I could get some of the joy from those first cards now. We keep our cards on a table in the kitchen. I have exactly one bright baby card with a cute little onesie on it and I was so happy to get this one card. I keep it right in the front. It is from my mom’s coworker. It’s not from my mom or my mother in law. It’s not from a friend or relative who couldn’t wait to look at baby cards for us.
This isn’t me complaining about the number of cards I have. This is me feeling guilty because maybe I scared people away from feeling happy for us. This is me upset because other people are too afraid to acknowledge this pregnancy in a concrete way. This is me knowing I’m the reason I don’t have any congratulatory cards. I wish I could be positive and rub my belly and say WHEN about my baby. I wish I wasn’t scaring everyone away from me with my disclaimers after every sentence.
I know what they are thinking. They don’t want me to lose this baby and then get a card the next day. I know because I am living this. I have one scrapbook page from my pregnancy in the spring. I made a cute page with pictures of the positive test and wrote about how happy and excited we were. Then I lost the baby a few days later. I have no scrapbook pages for this one. I was afraid to put anything about the positive pregnancy test in our Scotland photo album. Hell, I'm afraid to send people congratulatory cards when I hear they are pregnant. I’m not a good example.
Let’s talk about those cards that arrived after the miscarriage. One card showed up the day we found out our baby didn’t have a heartbeat. Another two followed in the next day or two. That last wave of cards was rough, I admit it. I cried when the card M’s grandmother sent arrived the day of my D&C. I cried a lot. I did feel like I had taken so much away from her. I gathered the cards up and hid them under the bed. I haven’t looked at them since. But I remember them and I remember the joy that our friends and family had for us.
Afterwards, we got a whole new set of cards. I think we got more sympathy cards than congratulatory cards. Cards and flowers and food and notes and I cherished each one. Everything made me cry, but I still felt the love they sent. A little cry is worth knowing that someone loves you.
I wish – and not in a selfish way – that I could get some of the joy from those first cards now. We keep our cards on a table in the kitchen. I have exactly one bright baby card with a cute little onesie on it and I was so happy to get this one card. I keep it right in the front. It is from my mom’s coworker. It’s not from my mom or my mother in law. It’s not from a friend or relative who couldn’t wait to look at baby cards for us.
This isn’t me complaining about the number of cards I have. This is me feeling guilty because maybe I scared people away from feeling happy for us. This is me upset because other people are too afraid to acknowledge this pregnancy in a concrete way. This is me knowing I’m the reason I don’t have any congratulatory cards. I wish I could be positive and rub my belly and say WHEN about my baby. I wish I wasn’t scaring everyone away from me with my disclaimers after every sentence.
I know what they are thinking. They don’t want me to lose this baby and then get a card the next day. I know because I am living this. I have one scrapbook page from my pregnancy in the spring. I made a cute page with pictures of the positive test and wrote about how happy and excited we were. Then I lost the baby a few days later. I have no scrapbook pages for this one. I was afraid to put anything about the positive pregnancy test in our Scotland photo album. Hell, I'm afraid to send people congratulatory cards when I hear they are pregnant. I’m not a good example.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
19 Weeks
Nineteen is a big number, but it’s still not as exciting as next week will be. I’m, of course, filled with happiness about seeing a beautiful baby yesterday. I feel like I’ve reached a milestone. I can be happy about this now. I can start to do real planning. M and I even talked about names last night.
The conversation:
C: We need to start thinking about names
M: Really? [frowns]
C: Yes, really, this kid is going to need a name. We can’t just call it Baby forever.
M: [grins]
C: [grins back, knowing he wants to say something about Dirty Dancing, but also knowing he knows that I know and I’ll take him seriously and we’ll end up with a kid named Baby forever and the poor kid will be in the corner all the time.]
C: We’ll get a book of names and look through it.
M: That sounds good.
C: I want to have 2 names for each. You know, like that time we picked out a name for the goldfish before we got it and it just didn’t seem right.
M: Yup. We’ll get a book.
So I guess you could say we’re talking about names.
The good: I now know what it feels like when the baby turns completely over. It makes me feel better because I knew those bumps couldn’t be kicks yet. But I knew they were something. They are somersaults. I am wearing all maternity clothes: pants, tank top, and shirt. I feel like I could go to bed wearing this stuff. I can’t wipe this smile off my face.
Last night, I was standing in front of the mirror examining my belly (I do this every day) and M came over and smiled and just gave it a little caress, like you would do to a newborn. I love watching him fall in love.
The bad, The ugly: Not much to complain about. Not that I feel like I could ever complain. I’m sleeping terribly, but who cares? I would give up sleeping completely if I had to.
I read some sad blogs today about recent losses. Here I am, all happy and bouncing on a cloud. But other people are still hurting. That could be me today. I just want to crawl into those blogs and hug the women who are just aching. I know what it feels like. I know the pain. I’m grateful to be where I am today, but it only takes me a second to go back to that place. My heart is breaking for everyone experiencing a loss right now. I remember when I first started reading blogs and I would see women who were on the road to having another child and feeling their happiness. I remember wishing I could get to that point. And here I am. I’m not out of the woods at all, but I’m on the path. My wish for everyone out there is that your time wandering around lost will end and you’ll find your hope and your way out. And I wish that it will be soon.
The conversation:
C: We need to start thinking about names
M: Really? [frowns]
C: Yes, really, this kid is going to need a name. We can’t just call it Baby forever.
M: [grins]
C: [grins back, knowing he wants to say something about Dirty Dancing, but also knowing he knows that I know and I’ll take him seriously and we’ll end up with a kid named Baby forever and the poor kid will be in the corner all the time.]
C: We’ll get a book of names and look through it.
M: That sounds good.
C: I want to have 2 names for each. You know, like that time we picked out a name for the goldfish before we got it and it just didn’t seem right.
M: Yup. We’ll get a book.
So I guess you could say we’re talking about names.
The good: I now know what it feels like when the baby turns completely over. It makes me feel better because I knew those bumps couldn’t be kicks yet. But I knew they were something. They are somersaults. I am wearing all maternity clothes: pants, tank top, and shirt. I feel like I could go to bed wearing this stuff. I can’t wipe this smile off my face.
Last night, I was standing in front of the mirror examining my belly (I do this every day) and M came over and smiled and just gave it a little caress, like you would do to a newborn. I love watching him fall in love.
The bad, The ugly: Not much to complain about. Not that I feel like I could ever complain. I’m sleeping terribly, but who cares? I would give up sleeping completely if I had to.
I read some sad blogs today about recent losses. Here I am, all happy and bouncing on a cloud. But other people are still hurting. That could be me today. I just want to crawl into those blogs and hug the women who are just aching. I know what it feels like. I know the pain. I’m grateful to be where I am today, but it only takes me a second to go back to that place. My heart is breaking for everyone experiencing a loss right now. I remember when I first started reading blogs and I would see women who were on the road to having another child and feeling their happiness. I remember wishing I could get to that point. And here I am. I’m not out of the woods at all, but I’m on the path. My wish for everyone out there is that your time wandering around lost will end and you’ll find your hope and your way out. And I wish that it will be soon.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Anatomy Scan!
The baby is wonderful!
I was so nervous. M woke up to me crying this morning and we were almost silent while we got ready for the appointment. We didn't talk about our afternoon plans. We didn't talk about what would happen today at all.
I love being the first appointment of the day. We got in quickly and I was covered in goo within a few minutes of getting there. The first thing we saw was the great (4-chambered!) heart with a heart rate of 148. Everything we needed to see was there. The baby was moving it's hands and feet all over the place. The tech couldn't get pictures of one hand because it was behind the baby's head. M has the "tough" picture with the baby looking right at the camera with the hand behind the head giving everyone the finger.
During the measurements, the baby flipped from face up to face down. When the doctor came in to do a final look, the baby had flipped so the profile was in the other direction. We've got an active one! We were told to look away when she checked the gender. I didn't see any of the girl parts or boy parts that people usually have in those pictures and they never said he or she. I'm very happy about that!
We do have a small spot on the baby's heart. This is one of the markers for Downs Syndrome, but with all my other tests, the risk is still 1/5000. I'm not even going to worry about that.
Here is my favorite picture. I'm in love. 
Monday, December 14, 2009
The Usual
I had a good weekend of Christmas parties and shopping. My Mother in Law took me to a maternity store and I didn’t get chased out of the building. I now have enough shirts to last me a week and my Mother in Law is going to wrap up two things for my birthday and Christmas. I think she had more funs hopping than I did! We laughed about the maternity underwear. When I giggled and asked if I would actually grow out of my undies, a lady in the dressing room shouted “YES!” Then we headed over to Babies R Us to walk around and see how the local store compares to others I’ve been to. It was fine, but I don’t think we’ll actually register at that store. My mom wants us to go to Delaware and register there with her helping us.
Ok, onto my fears for tomorrow. I could write ten pages about it, but I’ll just sum it up for you since I've said all of this a million times. I’m afraid… I’m not feeling much movement (and said movement could just be gas)… I’m not getting any bigger… I’m not gaining any weight… I’m sure tomorrow could be the worst day of my life followed by the worst birthday ever and I’m going to have to cancel Christmas. What else is new with me? Send prayers by overnight mail to Baltimore, MD at 8 am tomorrow morning. Thanks!
Update, 10 am Monday: I am feeling more movement this morning, so I'm calmer than I have been before other appointments. You can still send those prayers and hopes for tomorrow, though!!!
Ok, onto my fears for tomorrow. I could write ten pages about it, but I’ll just sum it up for you since I've said all of this a million times. I’m afraid… I’m not feeling much movement (and said movement could just be gas)… I’m not getting any bigger… I’m not gaining any weight… I’m sure tomorrow could be the worst day of my life followed by the worst birthday ever and I’m going to have to cancel Christmas. What else is new with me? Send prayers by overnight mail to Baltimore, MD at 8 am tomorrow morning. Thanks!
Update, 10 am Monday: I am feeling more movement this morning, so I'm calmer than I have been before other appointments. You can still send those prayers and hopes for tomorrow, though!!!
Friday, December 11, 2009
Boring clothes and LFCA love
I don’t have much to say today. I’m in one of those days where I’ve decided something is wrong. I felt movement yesterday evening so I’m pretty sure I’m just being crazy. You know you’ve hit a new level of craziness when you can pinpoint irrational thoughts as they happen. I guess I’m getting used to this new reality.
I was going to wear a real maternity shirt today. My MIL got it for me for Mother’s day (which is sad) and I finally got to a point where it didn’t look stupid (which is good). But the shirt was for springtime and it’s 34 degrees today so I had to switch to a regular sweater (which is boring) that shows quite a little belly* (which is exciting). I’ll be wearing a maternity dress to my office Christmas party tonight with hopes that I’ll be a glowing pregnant woman. M told me he thinks I got bigger yesterday.
My ex boyfriend from college posted an ultrasound picture for his second child today of Facebook. I still got jealous. The picture is a 10-week ultrasound (my favorite week by the way – I love the little teddy bears). I still can’t begin to imagine how anyone can assume all is well at 10 weeks. But I congratulated him and sent some prayers that they won’t have to go through any pain. Then I briefly let myself think about my own outing on Facebook. I think I could do it after the anatomy scan. I’m still afraid, but pretty much everyone that I care about already knows. And, of course, all of Facebook knows what happened the first time.
Side note – the only family member who doesn’t know about this pregnancy is my Father. His reaction to my miscarriage kind of brought me down, so I didn’t want to tell him early on. We’re not that close, so it’s more like telling a distant uncle. I’ll tell him after the anatomy scan but before I post on Facebook. Is it bad to tell him over email?
Today everyone is submitting comments about what LFCA means to them. Since I wouldn’t know any of you without it, I’d say it means friendship to me. So thank you for being my friends!
* I accidently wrote butt instead of belly and that made me laugh.
I was going to wear a real maternity shirt today. My MIL got it for me for Mother’s day (which is sad) and I finally got to a point where it didn’t look stupid (which is good). But the shirt was for springtime and it’s 34 degrees today so I had to switch to a regular sweater (which is boring) that shows quite a little belly* (which is exciting). I’ll be wearing a maternity dress to my office Christmas party tonight with hopes that I’ll be a glowing pregnant woman. M told me he thinks I got bigger yesterday.
My ex boyfriend from college posted an ultrasound picture for his second child today of Facebook. I still got jealous. The picture is a 10-week ultrasound (my favorite week by the way – I love the little teddy bears). I still can’t begin to imagine how anyone can assume all is well at 10 weeks. But I congratulated him and sent some prayers that they won’t have to go through any pain. Then I briefly let myself think about my own outing on Facebook. I think I could do it after the anatomy scan. I’m still afraid, but pretty much everyone that I care about already knows. And, of course, all of Facebook knows what happened the first time.
Side note – the only family member who doesn’t know about this pregnancy is my Father. His reaction to my miscarriage kind of brought me down, so I didn’t want to tell him early on. We’re not that close, so it’s more like telling a distant uncle. I’ll tell him after the anatomy scan but before I post on Facebook. Is it bad to tell him over email?
Today everyone is submitting comments about what LFCA means to them. Since I wouldn’t know any of you without it, I’d say it means friendship to me. So thank you for being my friends!
* I accidently wrote butt instead of belly and that made me laugh.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Just a few pictures
We took some pictures tonight and I thought I'd share.
First, here is my Christmas Tree. It's a little blurry, but I love it anyway (because it's not blurry in real life).
Next, the Christmas Tree skirt. I started this in spring 2004. That was before I was engaged. I finished it monday night. So, for the first time in 5 long years, we have an official skirt around our tree.
And the big one - my 18 week belly. It's kind of there. I know you can see it!
18 Weeks
Wait, really? 18 weeks? I never thought I would be here. I never thought I would actually have an anatomy scan scheduled. I feel like I’m on borrowed time. I feel like I’m really pregnant.
The good: I had lots of flutters last night. I couldn’t sleep because I was so happy. On Monday night, I had a kick (maybe). I started telling the kick how much I loved it and then realized that I might be pledging a lifetime of love to some gas. I’m showing a little. Like you can see my belly pushing out my sweater a little today. I saw my coworker glance at it and I wanted to dance.
The bad: I pee a lot. I wake up every hour or two during the night. I’m cranky at the end of the work day. I don’t care about any of these problems.
The ugly: I have a rash between my boobs because they are smooshed together all the time now. It might be time for some bigger bras. And lots of Gold Bond powder.
The scary stuff: I got my results back from the quad screen. Everything came back normal, so I’m going to stop worrying about spina bifida. I will now focus completely on CF and unexplained death. That’s cheerful! M is in the process of getting the rest of his gene checked for the CF deletion genes. It’s pretty hard to call your primary doctor out of the blue and request some off the wall blood test that needs to be sent to California. We’re having some trouble getting them to work with us. He’s calling again today and should get everything straightened out. I’m just happy that M agreed to do this. I know he doesn’t want to, but he understands my fears.
Normal life: My Mother in Law is taking me birthday shopping on Sunday for maternity clothes. Then we’re going to Babies R Us to poke around and giggle at all the baby stuff. This will be a little rough for me – I still feel like an impostor when I go in those places. Like the BRU police and going to spot me and chase me out of the store because I couldn’t possibly think I’ll be having a baby in May. I’ll get sent to the crazy house.
Today is my Grandma’s birthday. She would be 94. While I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore, I’m really missing her now. I’d love to have her around for this excitement. But I’ve decided that she’s got my two little ones up there with her already. She probably has her hands full!
The good: I had lots of flutters last night. I couldn’t sleep because I was so happy. On Monday night, I had a kick (maybe). I started telling the kick how much I loved it and then realized that I might be pledging a lifetime of love to some gas. I’m showing a little. Like you can see my belly pushing out my sweater a little today. I saw my coworker glance at it and I wanted to dance.
The bad: I pee a lot. I wake up every hour or two during the night. I’m cranky at the end of the work day. I don’t care about any of these problems.
The ugly: I have a rash between my boobs because they are smooshed together all the time now. It might be time for some bigger bras. And lots of Gold Bond powder.
The scary stuff: I got my results back from the quad screen. Everything came back normal, so I’m going to stop worrying about spina bifida. I will now focus completely on CF and unexplained death. That’s cheerful! M is in the process of getting the rest of his gene checked for the CF deletion genes. It’s pretty hard to call your primary doctor out of the blue and request some off the wall blood test that needs to be sent to California. We’re having some trouble getting them to work with us. He’s calling again today and should get everything straightened out. I’m just happy that M agreed to do this. I know he doesn’t want to, but he understands my fears.
Normal life: My Mother in Law is taking me birthday shopping on Sunday for maternity clothes. Then we’re going to Babies R Us to poke around and giggle at all the baby stuff. This will be a little rough for me – I still feel like an impostor when I go in those places. Like the BRU police and going to spot me and chase me out of the store because I couldn’t possibly think I’ll be having a baby in May. I’ll get sent to the crazy house.
Today is my Grandma’s birthday. She would be 94. While I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore, I’m really missing her now. I’d love to have her around for this excitement. But I’ve decided that she’s got my two little ones up there with her already. She probably has her hands full!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
A new favorite player
I love ESPN and their football shows. I love the tear-jerking profile stories. It's kind of a joke between M and I. I'll stop whatever I'm doing to watch the profile stories and then I'll cry. Every single time. He won't admit it, but M has teared up during a few of them, too.
So today I was getting some dinner ready for the crock pot when the profile story came on. It was about Demarcus Ware. As soon as they started talking about his wife's pregnancy, I knew what was coming.
I don't have the video for the ESPN profile, but I'll look for it and post it later on.
Here is the story from the NY Times in 2008.
Demarcus Ware and his wife Taniqua lost three pregnancies before adopting their little girl, Marley.
My heart aches for them, but I'm so happy they've found happiness.
I have a new favorite NFL player (even if he does play for the Cowboys). And thank you, ESPN, for bringing the subject out to more people.
So today I was getting some dinner ready for the crock pot when the profile story came on. It was about Demarcus Ware. As soon as they started talking about his wife's pregnancy, I knew what was coming.
I don't have the video for the ESPN profile, but I'll look for it and post it later on.
Here is the story from the NY Times in 2008.
Demarcus Ware and his wife Taniqua lost three pregnancies before adopting their little girl, Marley.
My heart aches for them, but I'm so happy they've found happiness.
I have a new favorite NFL player (even if he does play for the Cowboys). And thank you, ESPN, for bringing the subject out to more people.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
CF Frustrations
Disclaimer: I’m an engineer, not a doctor. Don’t take any of this as fact if you are looking for CF information. I’m just getting this out from conversations I’ve had.
So, I think we’re back to the Cystic Fibrosis testing again. A quick review: I am a carrier for CF, I found out at about 8 weeks pregnant. I have no family history. My mutation is serious. M has a family history for CF, his mother’s cousin, K, died on Friday at age 43 due to CF. We had M tested for the 1570-ish most common mutations of CF and he came back clear. We waited to get this news before telling M’s mom (she’s a classic worrier). When we told her the whole story, we learned that her cousin K had a sister who died at the age of 3 from CF and her (and M’s mom’s) grandfather had several siblings pass away before the age of 10 due to pneumonia (most likely undiagnosed CF – this was the early 1900s).
Ok, so I told the doctor about this and didn’t think much more about it. He called me today to schedule my last blood draw and said he had been thinking about this more (you never want to hear that a doctor has been thinking more about your case). Turns out, those last 30-ish mutations that they didn’t test for are not only the least common, but they are also the most severe. The most severe mutations are the ones that you never hear about because the child dies very young. He doesn’t test for these types – deletion mutations – because his lab doesn’t have a good way to do it yet. After he learned about the early deaths in M’s family, he realized that there’s a strong possibility that M’s family could carry a deletion mutation.
My mutation (deltaF508) gives a person about 10% lung function. A deletion mutation gives 0% lung function. Pair these two suckers together and things look pretty grim.
I’ll talk this over with M tonight or tomorrow night (depending on his job stress level) and we’ll decide if we’re going to do the further testing at another clinic.
Odds: Assuming M’s great grandfather had CF, M has a 1 in 8 chance of being a carrier. Our child has a 1 in 4 chance of having CF if we are both carriers. Total: our baby has a 1 in 32 chance of having bad CF.
I know they can test for CF in an Amnio. I need to find out if that test will check for all mutations. But then again, even if this kid isn’t affected, we still want other kids and we’ll want to know for them, too. I think I want him to get the full test. He’s not going to be happy.
Crappity crap. I’m tired of worrying about this. I’m tired of making M worried about this. He had finally started to relax. He’s in the process of finding a new job and I really don’t want to add to his stress. I’m already freaked out about my baby dying before birth, now I’m going to be worried about a painful death in the first few years.
So, I think we’re back to the Cystic Fibrosis testing again. A quick review: I am a carrier for CF, I found out at about 8 weeks pregnant. I have no family history. My mutation is serious. M has a family history for CF, his mother’s cousin, K, died on Friday at age 43 due to CF. We had M tested for the 1570-ish most common mutations of CF and he came back clear. We waited to get this news before telling M’s mom (she’s a classic worrier). When we told her the whole story, we learned that her cousin K had a sister who died at the age of 3 from CF and her (and M’s mom’s) grandfather had several siblings pass away before the age of 10 due to pneumonia (most likely undiagnosed CF – this was the early 1900s).
Ok, so I told the doctor about this and didn’t think much more about it. He called me today to schedule my last blood draw and said he had been thinking about this more (you never want to hear that a doctor has been thinking more about your case). Turns out, those last 30-ish mutations that they didn’t test for are not only the least common, but they are also the most severe. The most severe mutations are the ones that you never hear about because the child dies very young. He doesn’t test for these types – deletion mutations – because his lab doesn’t have a good way to do it yet. After he learned about the early deaths in M’s family, he realized that there’s a strong possibility that M’s family could carry a deletion mutation.
My mutation (deltaF508) gives a person about 10% lung function. A deletion mutation gives 0% lung function. Pair these two suckers together and things look pretty grim.
I’ll talk this over with M tonight or tomorrow night (depending on his job stress level) and we’ll decide if we’re going to do the further testing at another clinic.
Odds: Assuming M’s great grandfather had CF, M has a 1 in 8 chance of being a carrier. Our child has a 1 in 4 chance of having CF if we are both carriers. Total: our baby has a 1 in 32 chance of having bad CF.
I know they can test for CF in an Amnio. I need to find out if that test will check for all mutations. But then again, even if this kid isn’t affected, we still want other kids and we’ll want to know for them, too. I think I want him to get the full test. He’s not going to be happy.
Crappity crap. I’m tired of worrying about this. I’m tired of making M worried about this. He had finally started to relax. He’s in the process of finding a new job and I really don’t want to add to his stress. I’m already freaked out about my baby dying before birth, now I’m going to be worried about a painful death in the first few years.
17 Weeks
I feel like I’m so far along… but still so far to go…
The great: I have flutters right now! Woo-hoo!!
The bad: I’ve been waking up on my back lately. I’m usually a side sleeper, so I think this is weird. But it’s SO comfortable. I always try to at least prop myself (on poor M) so I won’t be flat on my back. I think everything will be fine. Everything I hear tells me that my body will wake me up if I cut off any circulation. My favorite thing was from a doctor that said women would have evolved to have a hump in their backs if you really couldn’t sleep on your back during pregnancy (I think I heard that in a podcast).
The ugly: My preggo hormones weren’t too crazy for a while. But now I get agitated and cranky. That’s happening more and more. The only way to make me feel less agitated is to make M agitated (which is fun). Then I feel better and he’s all mad because I pinched him. Get used to it, buddy. Also, the zits are getting worse. I look awesome. At least I know more about concealer than I did when I was 15.
Normal life: We decorated the Christmas tree last night. I love it! I tried not to think about taking the tree down last year when I kept telling M about how great Christmas 2009 would be with a little baby. We didn’t even say the B word last night. But I did hope about Christmas 2010. I hoped very quietly that we’ll be putting up baby’s 1st Christmas ornaments next year. I hope, I hope, I hope!!!!
I put up the ticker because everyone else did and I felt left out. So frickin cute.
The great: I have flutters right now! Woo-hoo!!
The bad: I’ve been waking up on my back lately. I’m usually a side sleeper, so I think this is weird. But it’s SO comfortable. I always try to at least prop myself (on poor M) so I won’t be flat on my back. I think everything will be fine. Everything I hear tells me that my body will wake me up if I cut off any circulation. My favorite thing was from a doctor that said women would have evolved to have a hump in their backs if you really couldn’t sleep on your back during pregnancy (I think I heard that in a podcast).
The ugly: My preggo hormones weren’t too crazy for a while. But now I get agitated and cranky. That’s happening more and more. The only way to make me feel less agitated is to make M agitated (which is fun). Then I feel better and he’s all mad because I pinched him. Get used to it, buddy. Also, the zits are getting worse. I look awesome. At least I know more about concealer than I did when I was 15.
Normal life: We decorated the Christmas tree last night. I love it! I tried not to think about taking the tree down last year when I kept telling M about how great Christmas 2009 would be with a little baby. We didn’t even say the B word last night. But I did hope about Christmas 2010. I hoped very quietly that we’ll be putting up baby’s 1st Christmas ornaments next year. I hope, I hope, I hope!!!!
I put up the ticker because everyone else did and I felt left out. So frickin cute.
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