29 Weeks and Dirty Clothes

I noticed something this week. This is my second round with these maternity clothes. I lent all of them out to my cousin when she was pregnant last year. I also lent some shirts out to another friend. So some of my shirts are on their 4th pregnancy. I'm happy they've had so much use... but I also realize that pregnant people are sloppy. I'm not blaming my cousin or my friend. I'm blaming me. Almost all of my clothes have some sort of stain on them! I'm sure they are my fault. I feel bad for lending out stained clothes! Gross! I know it's me because most of the stains are grease stains. I should try to get them out, but I'm too lazy. 

Baby is still behaving. My mom was able to feel some kicks over the weekend. I had a very fast appointment last week with a heart rate in the 130s. I gained 8 pounds in 2 weeks, so I'm going to watch my snacks over the next two weeks to try to slow that down a bit. 

Here's something cool: We went to the beach on Sunday. The weather wasn't that great, so I wore capri pants over my suit. I wore a maternity bathing suit top. This was the very first time in my life that I had ZERO body issues at the beach. I saw super hot girls walking along and I didn't care. I took pictures of just me, full length! That never happens in a bathing suit! I sprawled out on a chair. I threw myself down in the sand to dig a hole. I just let it all out there and it was great. I don't know if we'll make it to the beach again this summer, so I wanted to hold onto that feeling. I wish we could all have that! I'm sad that I had to be 29 weeks pregnant to feel that way. I told M about it and he said that I should feel that way all the time. I'm glad the person that counts thinks that about me. I'll try to keep that feeling next year. 

28 weeks and new clothes

I saw my mom over the weekend and she brought me some maternity shorts. Now I'm ready for the summer... whenever that starts!

I've been feeling pretty good the past week. My back hasn't bothered me and I slept pretty well. That's all good news. So far, the third trimester has been kind to me. Nothing really new to report there.

I got our pool passes for the summer and now I just stare at the pool everyday when I drive by. I can't wait to just float for a little while. I hope the bathing suit I bought will fit all summer. I hope I can find a way to shave my legs all summer - or I hope no one gets close enough to tell!

Grateful

This is always my most conflicted time of the year. The searing pain has faded, but the general feeling of sadness is still there. Four years ago today, it was my last day of a seemingly normal pregnancy. I was visiting friends and wearing maternity pants (maybe even the same ones I am wearing today). I had no inkling that everything would end the next morning.

I feel guilty spending so much time dwelling on the baby that isn't here. I'm distracted by planning a birthday party and huge birthday surprise for W (a playset in the backyard!). But I also have had extra time to think. Every night this week, I've been sitting in the dirt clearing a garden around the area where the new playset will sit. It took a long time. I had time to think. Our lives would be completely different if we had that baby. The biggest difference would be that we wouldn't have W and I can't comprehend that. We'd still have a little boy, just older. Maybe we'd have a second kid by now. I try not to dwell on all of this. I don't want to wish away the life I have right now, the amazing kid that W is becoming and the tiny baby that always assures me that he or she is just fine whenever I need it. 

I wish I could send this post back in time to myself four years ago. I remember people trying to tell me about how they knew about some girl who had a miscarriage and then had a baby soon afterwards and she was happy now. Hooray for her, she's not me. What about the pain I was experiencing? What if I didn't have that success story? 

And now I am that girl. I am that story. I am so grateful. 

27 Weeks and heartburn!

The heartburn really isn't that bad yet. But it happens a lot! 

My mother's day was absolutely wonderful. We had lots of family time and M took W to the bathroom as often as he could. I didn't have to wipe anyone's butt yesterday! 

The baby seems to have moved up in my belly this week. All of the movement was low and seemed to be happening in my underbelly. The baby would kick me right in my c-section scar and it was actually getting to be a little painful. Now it is up and I can feel the kicks from the top of my belly and now they are fun movements and don't make me wince. We felt a butt (or a head) over the weekend sticking out a bit. It was fun to "play" with the baby for the first time. 

I came out on facebook after my appointment last week. I put up a picture showing W in his Big brother t-shirt. It was a small collage idea that I got from pintrest. I mainly did it because I want to use it in my scrapbook. It felt weird to post the news as I enter the 3rd trimester instead of the 2nd. At least my distant friends will all feel that my pregnancy is very quick. 

I was hesitant to put the announcement up. I knew that I wanted to do it, but I'd been putting it off for a while. I didn't want to hurt my SIL or any of my friends who are still dealing with infertility and loss. But I also didn't want to just start posting pictures of a newborn all of the sudden. 

So then I started wondering what people would think. I haven't been shy about speaking out about miscarriage on facebook. I post every October 15th about it. I will post articles that I find if they are interesting. I posted one of those inspirational photos yesterday about moms in mourning. I didn't say anything in the pregnancy announcement about my losses leading up to this pregnancy. I wanted to focus on the positive. Did anyone see it and think, "It's so easy for her. I wish it were like that for me." Or maybe, "I hope this one came easier for her." Or even, "There's a story of hope there." I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings. 

26 Week appointment

Well, I liked the sugar drink again. I enjoyed the quiet 45 minutes after my appointment to sit and read my book. I loved my McDonald's breakfast afterwards. Hopefully, we'll get good news from this appointment. Last time I needed to start taking iron pills after the results came back. That's not so bad. I'm not too worried about the diabetes. 

The actual appointment was super-fast with a doctor I had never met. I didn't like that part too much. She was running late and barely talked to me. The heart rate was in the 140s and my measurement looked good. She did give me a pamphlet on Cord Blood donation. I looked into this when I was pregnant with W and I really wanted to do it, but it wasn't widely available in my state. Now it is offered as a normal procedure at my hospital, so we will definitely sign up (I have to wait until 28 weeks). 

So, on we go! I'm into the two-week appointments now and I have the next four scheduled. One of them is with the doctor who did my c-section. I'm going to do everything I can to have her do this one if needed. For those of you who have had repeat (scheduled) c-sections, when did you set the date? 

26 weeks and my little tree

I’ve talked about my little tree before. My mom gave it to me after my 14 week miscarriage and I had to take care of it. I’m not a gardener and I absolutely cannot keep plants alive. I have no idea. The plant on my desk is only alive because a guy near me takes pity on it. My garden looks ok because I only plant things that have no maintenance requirements. I was upset when my mom gave me this tree because I knew one day the tree would die and I would feel like a failure.

We have come to that time. We moved in August and brought the tree with us. In the moving, I know I didn’t water the tree like I should have. I saw it turn brown over the winter. And now it is completely dry and the leaves (I think they are called leaves on this type of tree) are falling off. We did the huge spring clean up and mulching a few weeks ago. M’s parents were helping us. I told M that I thought they should take the tree and dig it up. There is no way I could do that myself. He told me to wait and see how it goes through the spring. So it’s still there, right where I can see it. Dead. I’m upset about that.

26 weeks is treating me well. I have an appointment on Wednesday with the Glucose test. I like the drink and the hour to read a book and the McDonald’s breakfast I get for myself on the way to work. So I’m looking at this as a little treat for myself. Is that weird?

I fell down on the street Saturday morning. I was walking along to meet up with MIL who was watching W and had taken him for a walk. I decided to walk up the street to meet them and walk back together. It was a beautiful day! I went around a corner and stepped right off the edge. I stumbled and fell on my knee. It was not a bad fall. I am not a fast walker and I am not tall. I got a scrape, but it didn’t even bleed. MIL could see me, but she was far enough away that she couldn’t even yell to see if I was ok. A car was pulling up to the stop sign as I fell. The man rolled down his window and asked if I was ok. Then he watched me get up and brush myself off and inspect my knee. He asked again. I assured him and thanked him. When MIL got to me, she told me that man was the head of OBGYN at the hospital where I will give birth! Possibly the best person to have nearby when you fall down! M was concerned when I told him about it, but the baby hasn’t changed its habits. I’m not at all worried about the fall.

I’ll update again on Wednesday. It’s my last 2^nd trimester appointment!