Just go get another one!

Last week, my friend K’s dog died and she was pretty upset about him. That makes sense, I would be sad too. We’re not close friends – she is M’s coworker’s wife. We see each other a few times a year and she’s giggly and fun.

When her dog died, they hadn’t actually picked him up yet. They were in some sort of waiting period from the rescue center and the dog died of distemper. When K put a status message up telling the news and saying she was embarrassed about crying for a dog that she didn’t even have yet. I responded and told her that it was ok to cry and several other people expressed their condolences. M and I talked about how bad we felt for them. Sure, a dog and a baby are not the same, but we know the feeling of loosing someone before you even have them, before you get to make memories. I told M to check on his coworker the next day and tell him we were thinking of them.

A day or two later, K had a new photo up showing their new dog and talked about how happy they were.

If only it was that easy for all of us.

The dreaded mailbox

Last night, I got a letter in the mail from the hospital where I had my D&C. I thought it would be a survey about my experience or something. I like surveys! Every single person I dealt with at the hospital was wonderful and they treated me like family. I paid attention to this because my mom is a nurse and she is in charge of customer service (if you can really call it that – maybe it is bedside manner?) at a few hospitals. I was impressed and I wanted to be able to tell someone so they would know. I did talk to a nurse about that already, so I was a little surprised to get a survey in the mail.

Right, but that’s not what I got. I got a congratulatory letter telling me I was now registered to deliver! They had my insurance info all set! I just needed to send them $250 and I would be ready!

I also got another bill for the D&C, but I’m used to those and it didn’t bother me (as much).

I considered just putting the letter in the shredder, but I know I’d just get another one in a few weeks. I’m not ready to incur late fees on a bill for a delivery that I won’t have. So I called the lady and (thankfully) only had to leave a message. I barely got through the end of the account number before my voice started straining. I got a good cry out of this one.

How much longer am I going to get mail about this?

Old Age

Overheard in line for the bathroom:
“Did you see that guy I was talking to?” “Yeah, HOT!”“I KNOW! He’s TWENTY THREE!”
“OMG!”
“Right!?”

I guess that most people in the world don’t know about the beach mecca to drinking on the East Coast, but if you do, you should know that 29 and married is too old to be there. I have known that since I was 22 (when I was too old to be there).

The best part of the weekend was a fancy dinner on Saturday night. We picked the place because they had “1/2 price bottles of wine!” on the blackboard outside. We had a good time pretending to be high class, then went back to drinking bud light out of cans. I’d like to point out that we were not drinking Natty Boh out of cans before breakfast, though. Those were the guys next door.

Much Love

I finally got the balls to add myself to the ALI blogroll. Wow. I’m in the LFCA newsletter and all of the sudden I find all these women like me! Some of you have journeys that blow my mind – and all of you are amazing.

I only started reading blogs earlier this year. I don’t even know where I started, but I just felt better knowing that people out there are feeling the same as me.

I’ve come out of my comfort zone and started commenting (and I’ll continue). It feels just as good to give the support as it does to receive it… shouldn’t I know that by now? Well, I’m filled with warm fuzzies and feel all gooey because of it. I even found myself spontaneously smiling yesterday. This is definitely something good.

Thank you to everyone who lets down their guard and helps girls like me get through the tough times. I’m sorry we’re all here… but I’m grateful, too.

Welcome AF!

Back to normal! I haven’t been this excited to see AF in years. This was my first normal cycle since the D&C – 26 days, arriving within hours of when she was expected. Hooray!

The first AF was 11 days after my D&C, the second was 19 days later. I was afraid I’d be screwed up for a while – I’m so thankful to be normal again so soon. Right after the D&C, I knew I might not get AF for the first time until now. So, now I can cross that worry off of my list. Only 93,214,725 worries left!

Lonely

M was out of town for my first miscarriage. He was in Las Vegas for a bachelor party and none of his friends knew we were pregnant. I knew deep down that something was wrong with the pregnancy. My symptoms had gone away and I had even taken a HPT earlier in the week – the line on that test was much lighter than my first line. I knew. But I also knew that I couldn’t do anything about it. I had that first cramp early on Saturday morning, but no bleeding. I don’t know how I got through that day – I cleaned and had a friend, her husband and daughter stay overnight on their way to a family event. My friend was 4 months pregnant and so excited for me. I didn’t know how to tell her that I didn’t think I’d be having a baby. Sunday night, I had the awful bleeding all at once and it was officially over. I still didn’t tell that morning. My friend left mid-morning, so I kept a smile on my face and then prepared myself for the emotions. They came quick. I’d never felt despair like that (I’ve since learned that it can be much worse). I debated calling my mother in law. But I didn’t want to feel her grief – I knew I’d have to put on a happy face to make her feel better and I couldn’t do it. I needed to be sad and cry. I can’t do that in front of someone who only wants me to be happy. I debated calling M to get him to come home early. I looked at flights and saw that unless he was at the airport now, he’d never make it there in time to catch an earlier flight. So I didn’t tell him. When he called, I just told him that I had a headache and I missed him.

Looking back, I don’t know how I survived it. I went to pick him up at the airport and just having him in the car next to me made me feel like I would get through this. M would protect me and life would go on. I could breathe again.

M is away again this week. This time it is for work. Last night I tried to sleep, but my mind kept drifting back and I had to keep turning the light back on and reading to distract myself. I have trouble sleeping sometimes when M is home, but rarely for this long. Just having him next to me is like a calming drug. I miss him.

I'll take any reason, thanks.

My doctor called me this morning with some test results. Mostly everything came back. I have a heterozygous MTHFR mutation. I’m not about to try to explain it, but this means I have a hard time absorbing enough folic acid and I am more likely to get some blood clots. This is not as severe as other clotting disorders, so that’s good news for me.

I am supposed to take a baby aspirin every day when (if?) I find out I’m pregnant again. I need to ask about supplemental folic acid (don’t forget!).

While she was talking to me, she started talking about my thyroid and saw that the results from that test are not back yet, so I should be getting another phone call in a few weeks.

I happy there’s SOMETHING. I admit that my heart sank a little when she said that everything looks good. I’m not wishing that I had some huge health problem, but I wanted something that would give me some sort of answer. I’m willing to accept this one – there must be some reason my baby was perfect one day and then all of the sudden he’s gone. A blood clot seems to be a reason I can hold on to for now.

I feel pretty good now. I feel like there is something I can do next time (hopeful for a next time!) and I kept thanking the doctor as she tried to get off the phone with me. I feel like sending her a thank you note!

Beautiful Wedding

M and I went to the lake in upstate NY this weekend for my cousin’s wedding. I’d really been looking forward to this because she just decided to get married a month ago. This is hard to describe: this is the first big event where I hadn’t pictured myself pregnant. I thought I wouldn’t be as sad to be there.

We threw a small shower for my cousin, L, on Friday afternoon. She worked so hard with my shower and her sister’s shower – she deserved to have one of her own! She was completely surprised and couldn’t believe we had pulled it off so quickly! My dad made her a cake – it was a chocolate cake with gummi worms and Swedish fish in the center. That would take a lot of explaining to understand, but we spent our childhood digging in the dirt up at the lake. L loved it.

A girl showed up as the shower was ending with her 2 month old baby. I said hi and congratulations and then pretty much stayed away. I was watching M and some other guys play bocce ball when the new mom started talking (loudly) about labor and everything wonderful about a baby. My dad, the most wonderful man on the planet, came right over to me and distracted me. We decided to go back to the cabin and spend some time on boats. Later L asked me if I had seen the baby and I told her why I needed to leave the party. She told me it was a good thing I left because it only got worse. I don’t blame the new mom, she’s a nice girl and she doesn’t know my story. I’d be excited, too. M told me it was rude to leave the party so quickly. I kind of got irritated with him, I had set up the shower and been on the clean-up crew. Everything was finished and put away. The party itself was over and people were just standing around We were not the first to leave. I could have stood there and held in tears or I could get away and be with my parents.

The next few hours were some of the best of the weekend. I wanted to go out in kayaks and go around the lake (a small lake!) and my dad was going to go with me. He’s never been out in a kayak before! I convinced my mom that she needed to, just to witness this! She got in her kayak and my dad just pushed her out into the water... her paddle was still in my hand. We were almost on the ground laughing so hard! She had to use her hands to paddle herself close enough to reach me. Then my dad got in the biggest kayak we have. I pushed him out and the top of the boat was about an inch above the water. I have never seen anything like that – my mom wouldn’t let him stay out like that. He had no idea how to paddle, either! It took him a while to get back to shore. Awesome! So, I went out with my mom and looked back to the dock where my dad was getting a tiny rowboat out! He actually got in a boat on the lake and went around with us! I loved that quality time with them and we finally got to show my dad the little coves where my mom and I both searched for frogs and turtles when we were little. She was playing there in the 1950s and I was there in the 1980s. I hope that someday I can bring my children to the lake to play in the same place.

The rest of the time was kind of hectic – my cousin had a pre-reception the night before the ceremony. She didn’t like us calling it the pre-ception. The ceremony was Sunday morning, right on the lake. L looked radiant and the setting was gorgeous. The sky was a perfect blue and reflected on the lake. I can’t even describe it. I hope L realized how wonderful it was. After the ceremony, she got into a rowboat with her new husband and they rowed away…

Back to me and my feelings: I was the only one who brought up my miscarriage (at 3 different times) and on all occasions, the person I was talking to changed the subject or just stopped talking. I know no one wants to hear about it, and it was not a weekend to talk about anything sad, but I’m not thinking of much else.

Two Emotions

A friend from college emailed me last week to tell me she is pregnant with twins. She did everything perfect. She is still early in her pregnancy (I’m not sure how far along) and she wanted to tell me before she told everyone else. I read the email and I was hit with two emotions exactly at the same time. I was filled with joy for her. She let me know that they’ve had trouble getting pregnant and that made me even happier for her. I was almost bursting with happiness. At the same second, I was filled with grief for myself. How come other people are pregnant?? I’m supposed to be pregnant! I want my baby, I want to be the one who is happy. My baby is dead. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to have a baby.

Both of these emotions manifest themselves in tears, so I was sobbing for a good while there. But then I got it together and then wrote her back and told her all about the happy feelings I had. Everything I said is true. I wish her only the very best and I find myself thinking about her, her husband and those little twin hearts beating! She has an ultrasound this morning and I can barely concentrate while I say little prayers and send her so many little good thoughts.

I think the main reason I’m so excited for her is because I know she really wants these babies. When a baby doesn’t come easily, it is so much more appreciated. I know moms who had easy pregnancies and who got pregnant quickly and I know they love and cherish their children. But I’m happier for the moms who had to struggle to get their babies. You know how people say you can’t have sunshine without the rain? You can’t know how good you have it until you’ve known what it’s like to not have a healthy pregnancy. I’m happy for all pregnant women, but I’m happier for the infertile moms and the babylost moms. They are the ones who celebrate their pregnancies and are really grateful for what they have.

How are you?

Fine, thanks. I have my good times and my bad times, but overall I’m doing better each day. Thanks for asking.

See that! I’m getting better at lying! I’m usually terrible with this and everyone can tell when I’m not telling the truth. I can’t keep secrets from anyone. But I seem to be learning. The trick is to lie to yourself as well.

I don’t ever want to forget how I’m feeling now. What if this happens to one of my friends? I want to be able to remember exactly what I am going through so I can be there for her. I don’t want to just stop asking and stop letting her know that I’m thinking about her just because she says to me one day exactly what I’m saying to everyone now.

Here’s the truth: For the first week, I felt like I had a gaping, bleeding, exposed wound that hurt like nothing has ever hurt before. Then I went back to work and I had to spend 9 hours each day pretending like I was fine. It was like I had one of those tiny band-aids over a huge gash and everyone pretended not to notice. Every night, I came home exhausted and I would rush home to get the crying out before my husband came home.

The next few weeks were better because I told myself I was fine. No one talked to me about the baby and I never mentioned it. About a month after my D&C, my cousin-in-law talked to me briefly and it was like the scab had been pulled off and I’ve been having trouble ever since.

Now it has been just over 6 weeks and I feel like I’m barely alive. Things happen and I don’t even notice. For some reason, I keep thinking it is the middle of winter. I’m surprised every day when it’s 8 pm and the sun is still shining. I’m on some sort of auto pilot. I’m doing everything that is required of me, but I don’t even remember. M has noticed that I’ve been confused lately and I keep forgetting about little things.

I’ll be perfectly fine and in the middle of a conversation with anyone about anything and then someone will say “baby” or something about kids and I’ll completely lose it. It’s not like my friends and family are just sitting there whispering “baby” to upset me. They will use it in normal conversation and I will just be transported back to the doctor’s office. I don’t hear anything for the rest of the day. I’ll find my way to the bathroom and calm myself down and come back with a smile on my face.

Last weekend I was paying bills and I had to pay for our NT scan, which was not covered by insurance. I don’t care about that. I would pay twice that amount that all over again if I had the choice. But I messed up the check twice and we had two bills from the hospital and I couldn’t figure it out. Combine that with the inch of statements I have from the insurance company and I broke down. I had to hide in the bathroom for about 20 minutes to pull myself together.

I don’t want M to know how I’m not dealing well. He cares so much and he always wants to protect me. He can’t bring our baby back and he can’t stop me from thinking about it. I’m afraid that he won’t want to try again because of how much this is hurting me. I’m afraid the blood tests won’t find anything wrong with me and this will keep happening to me.

So, I’m not doing well at all. I feel like I’m living inside a dark fog and the rest of the world is going on without me. Still, 6 weeks later. Thanks for asking.