Tuesday

The appointment was at 4, so I had the entire day to wait. I felt pretty nervous and tried to talk myself out of it. After all, I had my symptoms and everything seemed great. I did look up blighted ovum at one point, thinking that if I could just see the statistics, I would feel better. I was sweaty and had a stomachache by the time I was in the doctor’s office. M was with me, so we just kind of sat there and didn’t talk about anything.

The doctor came in and did the normal check up stuff and talked to me a little before starting the ultrasound. She started looking around and I could see the sack. She got closer and scanned through the sack once without seeing anything. I still had hope at this point. I grabbed M’s hand as she went through a second time, much slower. Still nothing. She measured the sack, but couldn’t get the machine to give the dating measurement. She said it looked small. After a little more looking, she turned it off and we talked about it. She asked if my dates could be off. I told her that I had a positive test on the 21st. That is way too early to not see anything by now. She agreed. She left so I could get dressed. When she came back, I had an appointment at a nearby ultrasound place for Wednesday and a follow up with a different doctor afterwards.

We were upset. M was stoic. He waited with me while I had some blood drawn. We sat next to another couple who were smiling and giggling to each other. I went home and M went to pick up W. Then we didn’t do anything for the rest of the evening. I emailed my bosses to tell them what happened and a girl in my office so she could pick up some work that I needed done on Wednesday.

I had lots of support. Two friends who knew and my internet group. It was like I had 20 people on standby waiting for my news.

This isn’t as bad as last time. It was early. We never got our hopes up. We have W. But I’m still angry and constantly yelling FUCK in my mind.