Managing the fear

I’m linking up to Finding my New Normal because of her questions:

How do you manage the fear during a pregnancy after loss? Is it even possible to manage fear? Are there any tools or strategies you used? Did they work? What advice would you share with those of us going through it right now?

I’m in a weird place to answer this question. My current plan for the next pregnancy is complete denial. That probably isn’t the most healthy way to deal with things.

First, some background in case you are here from the links. I lost my first pregnancy at 5 weeks, 3 days. It was a natural miscarriage. I think it was a chemical pregnancy. I lost my second at 14 weeks, 3 days. I had a D&C. It was a healthy baby boy, we found out later than I have a blood clotting disorder. I had a healthy, perfect son (W) a year later. I just had a blighted ovum last week. I was 7 weeks, 2 days. I had another D&C.

I can answer about what I did when I was pregnant with W. I was afraid. The nights where I cried myself to sleep far outnumbered the nights where I felt like everything would be ok.

The beginning of the pregnancy was the hardest part. I often felt like there was no hope at all. I told my doctor that I was scared. That was a big step for me. I don’t want to be the PITA patient. I want to be the one that no one remembers because I don’t create a hassle and things are just fine. But I spoke up and said that I needed to be reassured. I needed to come in more often. And you know what? She agreed. I went in every two weeks until I started feeling the baby move (just flutters, but that was good enough for me). Seeing the baby gave me some relief. It might have only lasted a few days, but it was better than waiting a month between appointments.

I did not get a Doppler. I discussed it with my husband and he didn’t want us to get one. He thought it would cause more stress if we couldn’t find the heartbeat on our own. I think he was right about that. It wasn’t the right choice for us.

Writing about my fears made it more manageable. I wasn’t just sitting around with worst-case scenarios running through my mind all the time. I wrote out what I was feeling and had others tell me they felt the same way. This blog and other internet friends made the real difference.

I started to feel more positive after the anatomy scan. One of the side effects of being in the ALI community is that you are hyper-aware of what can go wrong. Seeing a healthy baby on the screen and feeling him move during the scan was the turning point for me. I decided to stop thinking what might happen and think only about having our baby home with us. I still had a hard time saying “when” instead of “if,” but it’s easier to believe when a baby is keeping you awake all night with kicks!

My best advice is to get a support system. Find a blogger who is in your situation. Find a rainbow baby group on babycenter (stay away from the regular birth clubs!). Express what you feel. The internet is an amazing outlet!

And have some hope. That is hard for me to say right now, but it’s what I would have told myself a week ago. Keep hoping.