How I'm feeling now

It’s been 2 weeks since we found out there is no baby. I am doing much better than I did last time. Physically, I’m back to normal. I bled for about a week. It was just like a regular period. I’m finished with the antibiotics (those were a pain – I had to take them 1 hour before eating or 2 hours after eating. I rarely go 3 hours without eating). My boobs have gone back to normal size. I’m taking the normal one-a-day vitamin. I need to start taking folic acid again (which I will always take as long as we don’t have any kind of “real” birth control going on). Maybe tomorrow.

Again, this is not as hard as last time. Having W is the difference. How can I be sad with that little boy running through the house shouting “GO! GO! GO!” I KNOW that I can have a baby. I really believe that I will have another one. Knowing that is a huge help. Last time I wasn’t so sure. I’m really just writing to remember. I’ve been re-reading my posts from the last time and it helps me so much to know that I got through that.

One thing is different. I am surrounded by pregnant people that are close to me. My neighbor. My cousin. My sister in law. My close friend. Another good friend. And that doesn’t count the baby born last week to friends on our street. Last time I had one pregnant friend and she knew everything and I never felt anything but happiness for her. I feel different to each one. I’m writing out all of those feelings here. It’s hard to explain why I feel so different towards every single pregnant person I know. I always think of the pregnant people who ask, “how do I act around my friend who just had a miscarriage?” There is no one size fits all. I’m all over the place and I’m one person!

I’m happy and nervous for my neighbor. She’s had a hard pregnancy and really doesn’t complain that much. They’ve been cautious about the pregnancy and I’ve heard them say “if” and “hopefully” a few times. They don’t have any history that would make them talk this way, but it kind of makes me feel like they appreciate this more. I haven’t spent a lot of time with them in the past two weeks. We were there for a few minutes on Sunday after the D&C and I had a hard time trying to cheer her up when she talked about some of the problems she is facing (early contractions and possible bedrest). In a weird way, I want to do everything I can for her. I want to help her and I want everything to be perfect.

Of course I’m over the moon excited about my cousin and my sister in law. I’m also devastated that I won’t be adding to the family in the same year. It’s going to be hard for me when these babies start arriving. My cousin (due in March) knows that we wanted to start trying, but doesn’t know what happened. I don’t really want to tell her. I’m going to see her in a few weeks to give her a few of our baby things (to borrow… who knows when I’ll need them back). My SIL asked me constantly and wanted us to be pregnant together. I ended up telling her the news the last time she asked. I didn’t want her to ask me all the time. She was kind of upset that I hadn’t told her about the pregnancy the day we found out and begged me to not make her wait until 12 weeks next time. I told her she will have to wait until we see a heartbeat no matter what.

The close friend due in march… she’s the one that has been rubbing me the wrong way. It’s not the first time that she’s said something out of place or made me feel bad. This time was a real doozy, though. “If it makes you feel any better the stupid iron supplement is making me constipated as anything. Did the doc say how long until you guys can start trying again?” I’ve limited my contact with her since receiving that email. I really don’t know what to say to that. We normally have lunch once a week – I bowed out last week and was very happy to find out she couldn’t make it this week. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to see her again. I’ve been planning a small sprinkle for her (this is her second baby), but I’ve lost my enthusiasm for it. I’m letting another friend take the lead on that.

I just found out about the other good friend. We had a guy friend over last weekend and he told us about it. I didn’t feel upset when I heard the news. I haven’t cried and thought “WHY NOT ME!” or anything. I’ll see her this weekend for the superbowl. I want to make sure she knows that I’m happy and that I want to hear about it. Now that I think about it, I should email her. I don’t think she knows that I know. I don’t want her to be afraid of telling me or feel like she can’t be happy around me. She does know about this loss, her husband was at the bachelor party that M was supposed to go to. He told all of his guy friends – I said there was no reason to keep it a secret, why make them wonder why he was missing something like that?

The last one, and one I feel pretty upset about, is the baby born last week. The parents are very nice people (too nice to be our friends) and they have a son that is 7 months older than W. That means they had a baby right about when our November baby should have been born. I remember them telling us they were pregnant with their older son and listening to the dad talk about how he couldn’t wait to hold the baby and smell that sweet newborn smell. This was a few weeks after that loss for us and it was a bit much for me to deal with (they didn’t know). We’ve become friends with them and our boys play together all the time and go to the same daycare. Having their new baby born a few days after this D&C has been rough. I’ve said the right things and sent them congratulations, but I can’t bring myself to go see the baby. Or listen to them ask when we’re going to have another. Again.

That’s what’s really bothering me this time around. I’ve been asked at least 5 times when we’re having another baby. Daycare, family that doesn’t know, neighbors, co-workers. It’s hard not to feel down on myself when these conversations come up. I want to shout at them all to shut up. Tell them that my body just can’t do it right. I kind of want to make them feel bad for asking. But I don’t. I tell them all “Someday” and change the subject.

I don’t really know the answer to that question anyway. M and I haven’t discussed it. We do need to talk about it because I need to have a plan in place. Maybe tomorrow.

My follow up appointment is tomorrow. I’ll get checked out. Maybe some more bloodwork. She’ll tell me to wait 2-3 cycles and then try again.