Baby Boy

My doctor called me yesterday morning to tell me the results of the chromosome testing. I chose to do this because I want to know a reason why our baby died. But she didn’t have one, the baby was perfectly normal… a little boy. We wanted a boy so much and knowing this brought on a whole new wave of grief. He’ll always be on my mind, and it feels so great to be able to say HE and not call my baby an it. I’m happy that we know, and I’m happy we made a boy, but now I miss him more than ever. Seeing little boys is just going to break my heart for a long time. I know that some people name their babies, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do that. He doesn’t need a name for me to remember him, he’ll just always be my little baby boy.

I guess the chromosome testing came back with good news. Nothing was wrong with him, so maybe the problem is with me. I’m going in on Thursday to have blood drawn and they’ll do all kinds of mad-scientist tests to see what’s up. I hope that will give me some answers. I don’t really want to have some kind of weird blood clotting problem, but I’d like to know a reason and I’d like that reason to be something I can manage. I have to wait 4-6 weeks to get the results from that test.

Tonight I’m going shopping for some new clothes. I hadn’t bought anything new in anticipation of being pleasantly chubby for the summer and my clothes really need some spicing up! Luckily Kohl’s moved the maternity section over to the baby area, so I won’t even have to see it.