The long story of me...

I wanted to get a little background so I could write freely about what is going on with me now. This ended up being ridiculously long, but it’s everything! Here is my story (so far):

My husband, M., and I met in college. We bought a house together in December 2003. He proposed in October 2004, we got married on a beautiful day in January 2006.

We started trying for a baby in November 2008. I got my first positive test on December 31, 2008 and drank sparkling juice at the New Years party. I had a bad feeling right from the start and when I miscarried on January 10, 2009, I was terribly upset, but not surprised. I thought that was the worst day of my life. M. had been out of town for the weekend and I had to tell him when he got home. The doctor advised us to wait one cycle and to try again.

We got pregnant right away and I knew I would see that positive line on March 4th. Every appointment for this baby was perfect - perfect heartbeat at 6 weeks, perfect size with arms and legs at 10 weeks, perfect NT scan at 12 weeks. Then I went in for my 14 week appointment. This time I wasn’t nervous – I even had a good blood pressure check because I was so calm. The doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat with the Doppler and I got a little worried. Then she did an external ultrasound and we couldn’t see a heartbeat. She rushed me to the hospital grade ultrasound and we could see a perfectly formed, still, silent, baby. I could see every detail, even a tiny ribcage - but no heartbeat. M. came with me to the 6 week appointment and the NT scan. I told him he didn’t need to come to this 14 week appointment because we were doing great and he was so busy at work. I had to call him to come meet me at the doctor’s office.

I was given two options. I could take some medication and wait it out or I could have a D&C. I opted for the D&C as soon as possible. My 5 week miscarriage was unbearable. I don’t think I could handle this one – also, the doctor wasn’t actually giving me the option. She said it was possible, but not something she recommended.
We went home from the doctor and broke down. It was such a strange feeling. I felt fine; it was a beautiful May day. But I wasn’t actually pregnant anymore. My stomach started to feel like I was carrying a lead weight around. Each of us called our moms – just remembering this brings back so much sadness. Both of them were devastated. My dad called me in the afternoon and just cried on the phone. That has to be one of the worst moments of my life. But it was also a time when I realized just how loved I am. That afternoon I took all of our baby stuff and put it away. Better to do it then, while I was kind of in shock, then to do it after the D&C. I didn’t want to come home and see the reminder of the baby everywhere. The hospital called me to tell me I’d have to be there at 7:30 the next morning for the surgery at 9:30. I had two Cytotec pills to take at 3:00 in the morning (the pills soften your cervix, making the surgery a little easier for the doctor and a little easier on you).

That night was awful. I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I threw up before bed. M. was so worried about me. I wasn’t allowed to eat after midnight, but I probably didn’t have any food or water after 6 and I had thrown up the little dinner we had.

The surgery was way easier than I thought. We arrived at the hospital where the check-in and blood draw went easy. They sent me back to the pre-op room by myself, which was hard. I had to get changed and sit and wait by myself for a while. I cried off and on, the nurses and the anesthesiologist came and went. They were all so nice to me. A chaplain came in and gave me some information and held my hand while I cried. Eventually, M. was able to come in and wait with me. The doctor came in and gave M a list of prescriptions and I started getting some medication through the IV. I remember being in the operating room, but not much past that. I woke up in the recovery room and I can’t even describe how good I felt. I was tired and I was still upset, but my body didn’t hurt anymore. I was fully hydrated from the IV and I had a great deep sleep. My legs were a little sore from the stirrups. M came back after a little while and I was able to eat a little and get dressed to go home. We were home before noon.

I had the D&C on a Tuesday morning, and I stayed home from work for the rest of the week. I cleaned the house, we went to Harper’s Ferry for a day, and we had some friends over for a cook out. Everything seemed so normal.

One thing that I am so thankful for is the support from our friends. We received flowers from my coworkers, M’s friends and M’s aunt. M’s coworkers pooled together to get him a carryout gift card. One of my coworkers sent us a gift card for a steak dinner. My friends sent us a huge box of cookies. M’s mom gave us a book about grieving and a prayer angel. My parents gave us a tree to plant. We also received so many emails, texts, facebook messages and cards. The outpouring of support was what kept us going. I’m still getting that support from friends who are still finding out. I know I’m lucky to have these kinds of friends.

It’s been 2 weeks and 2 days since my D&C. I’m physically 100% healed. The doctor has given me the all clear for normal activity. My AF returned and seemed normal to me (and to the doctor). She said we could try again in two cycles. We’re still waiting for the results of the chromosome testing on the baby – hopefully that will come back with some answers.

Deciding what to do after the test results will be my next step. Until then, I’m looking forward to a weekend at home, dinner with friends and perhaps a trip to a small beer garden on Saturday evening.