I've been feeling pretty good and at peace lately. I have moments of feeling sad and missing our baby, but I haven't been crying a lot. It's like part of me has accepted that it's not the end of the world that I won't have a baby in November. My life is not over, we will be trying again. We will have a baby someday, just not as soon as I thought.
Part of this is because I try not to think about it at all. I am trying so hard to keep myself distracted. We've been planning our Scotland trip, we're going to the beach this weekend and my cousin is getting married over the 4th of July weekend. I have plenty to keep my mind busy. Whenever I start thinking about baby stuff, I just stop and change the subject in my mind. If I find myself sitting around and doing nothing, I get up and find something to do. I don't even lay in bed for long on the weekends now.
I'm not sure if this is the way I'm supposed to grieve, and this could all come crashing down on me soon. But I'm not the type to drag out crying about anything.
On Monday, I got some statements from my insurance about my D&C. So far the bills have added up to about $2000, but most of it was covered. I don't know how much I actually have to pay yet. I also got a bill for my NT scan, which was not covered at all. That bill upset me a lot - it cost me almost $400 to get our last view of our baby alive. It was worth it and I'd do it again if given the option.
The same day I got all the bills, I also got an issue of Parents magazine. I turned it over so I couldn't see the cover. I have a container under the bed with all my maternity clothes (mostly unworn) and baby stuff. I'm slipping the magazines in there. Someday I'll be able to pull them out and read them and be excited.
But for now, I'll just look forward to reading a book on the beach this weekend.
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