One Year Ago

I stopped birth control on October 10, 2008. It was a Friday and I was about to go to a girl’s weekend in Pennsylvania. I don’t need to describe how hopeful and starry-eyed I was then. I couldn’t think about anything else. I should have been thinking about my very low tolerance for alcohol. Then maybe I wouldn’t have had to stop on the side of the road several times on my drive home Sunday morning.

But back to the subject - I remember wishing that I would be pregnant within a year. I was afraid we’d have trouble. I knew my mom spent over a year trying to get pregnant (both times – she had a 13-week miscarriage before me). But the idea of miscarriage was barely on my radar. I never imagined I’d be this person right now.

Am I sad about the past year? Yes. Would I go back and warn myself or change anything? Probably not. Getting some warning about this would have made it worse. And what could I change? Maybe I would tell myself to start a little earlier so I could get this some of this bad stuff out of the way quicker.

What’s different about me now? I seem (to myself) to be a little softer, a little nicer. Not that I’m usually a very mean person, but I’m more likely to stop and think before I say something snarky. And that stop and think part has added some patience. Now I’ll stop and wonder if there’s a reason why someone does something – and now I’ll wonder if you have something sad going on behind the scenes.

My happiness is returning, slowly. I know that has a lot to do with the new Hope I have growing. I was in a very low spot right before my vacation and right before I found out about this pregnancy. Now I’ve been smiling spontaneously again and planning things with friends. It’s good to be back.