Once again...

And it's over. I feel like it didn't even begin. 

I had some pink spotting yesterday, but I didn't get worried. It's was barely anything. I wouldn't have even seen it if I wasn't looking like a crazy person with each trip to the bathroom. Right before bed I had a streak of red. Luckily I was exhausted and didn't stay awake with worry at all. 

This morning I was laying in bed and thinking that I didn't want to get up. As soon I went into the bathroom I knew I would see red and it would be over for sure. But my bladder was screaming, so I went in and everything was fine. Not even a trace. I though I was home free and yesterday was just that spotting that some people have. 

Then I was about to get into the shower and I peed again (I pee a lot, especially on cold mornings). There was lots of red with tissue. 

It took me a while to cry. It was more of a huge rush of rage and frustration. Then I sat on the floor and cried for a while. I got myself together to tell M. I'm always having to tell him that it's over. We cried together for a little while and I went back to bed. I briefly considered going to work because that would be a good distraction. Then I realized that I would have to spend the day pretending I was fine. That's exhausting. 

I waited for W to wake up and pulled him into bed with me. Even now, when I feel so angry with myself and the entire world, I know I am lucky. I have this amazing little person who gave me a hug and was so so happy when I told him I was staying home with him today. I told my work and daycare that he is sick. My MIL is babysitting him tonight, so I'll have to lie to her, too. 

I already told my mom about the positive test. She was here visiting and she told me that she had a feeling when she saw me. Moms always can just tell. I told her we were not getting excited about it until after the first ultrasound. But I know she was still happy. Now I have to call her and tell her about this. Again. I'm always calling and telling people that they aren't getting a grandchild. 

I gave myself a 50% chance of getting a heartbeat this time and a 25% chance of actually getting a healthy baby. Next time those will be worse. One child from 5 pregnancies. Four babies not born. 

I'm going to call the doctor later and maybe I'll get an appointment for this afternoon or tomorrow just to verify that everything is coming out ok. The last time this happened, they did an ultrasound to make sure everything was gone and they took some blood.