Due Date

I’m not sure how to feel today. I knew I’d be confused. I have so many different feelings right now. I have a vague feeling of sadness, but I just can’t suppress the joy from yesterday. So right now, I’m actually a little giddy. Which makes me feel guilty. I know there’s no RIGHT way to feel today. I’ll probably have some bad times off and on, but I’m doing much better than I thought I would be. Good news just seems to be flowing today (you know who you are!) and my mind has a hard time thinking about the bad stuff when I have so much good right now.

******
I wrote this a few days ago, when I still wasn’t sure I would still be pregnant today:

In the past few weeks, the emptiness was getting to me. I have all this empty time. I feel like something is missing in my life. I felt it a little when we started TTC last year, but now it is getting bigger. I have these hours that I don’t want to fill. I just kind of sit and look around. I know what I should be doing. I should be taking care of a little one. I should be wishing for more sleep. I should be smiling at a sleeping little boy.

I would know now what he looks like. I would know if those blue eyes snuck past my family’s dark brown eyes. I would know how big he would be. I would know what his hands looked like and how cute those toes could be. I would know what it was like to have a baby want to be held by me.

Instead, I’m at work. I’m wearing normal people pants. No one here knows what today is. Why would you remember someone’s unfulfilled due date? That’s not something you write on your calendar.
******

A girl walked up to me today and said “It’s Friday the 13th! This is such a terrible day!” and I didn’t really respond. I kind of started to like the idea of Friday the 13th…

Like I said, those thoughts are still there, just not in the front of my mind. I wish the world worked out different, but I can’t wish this new little baby away. I want this baby, I want the other baby. I’m totally in love with that little sound I heard yesterday, I wish I had a crying baby in my arms right now.

Even with all this last year has brought me, I’m so happy and blessed to be where I am right now.