Checks and Balances

I apologize in advance for the strong language. I know a lot of you are kinder than me, but sometimes I can only really get my feelings out with a loud f-bomb.

I’m writing this while a friend of mine sits in waiting rooms. She’s in the process of post-miscarriage appointments. The worst appointments. The ones where people don’t really know what to say to you. You make pleasantries to the girl who takes your blood pressure, even though it doesn’t matter what your blood pressure is. Everything sucks anyway. You pay your copay and want to yell at the credit card slip to fuck itself. This shit should be free.

This isn’t even about me, but I’m taking it personally. My online group suffered a rash of repeat losses in January. I was one of them. I was pissed off. Right around the same time, one of the girls found out she was pregnant. She’s had multiple losses, struggles to get pregnant and is one of the few in the group who doesn’t have that rainbow baby we all dream about. And, yet, she’s probably the most supportive one we have in the group. Why is it always the best ones?

I thought to myself that all would be right with the world if only this one girl could have her baby. That would make things seem fair, in some crazy way. I’m not saying that I was ok with losing my baby or that I made a deal with God or anything. I didn’t do that. But I thought that in some way, all of these lost babies could be a way to shift the statistics in her favor.

Then she saw a heartbeat for the first time. And maybe, just maybe, the statistics were going to work out.

But they didn’t and the world fucked us all over one more time.

Of course the world doesn’t work that way. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Take some time in your heart and send some love to my friend. She’s a true gem in this world and doesn’t deserve this. None of us do.