I went to see Eclipse yesterday. Finally. I’m so lame! I wore my New Moon t-shirt. I was happy to be caught up. Whew. I was excited about the previews. Why? Because I was expecting to see the Harry Potter preview. They didn’t show it. Crap heads.
What I did see was a preview for Charlie St. Cloud. It’s not a movie I want to see. I cried during the preview. Not because of the story, but how I could see myself in that role. The basic story (no spoilers – this is just the preview): Zac Efron promises his little brother that they will practice baseball together every night until Zac leaves for college. Then the little brother dies in a car accident. Zac can still see him and they play baseball every evening. Then Zac meets a girl and he starts falling in love and thinks about his brother less and less. Then the girl starts interfering with the baseball playing. The little brother gets angry.
Can you see the parallels to our lives? When I lost my baby, I promised to never forget him. I promised to love him always and think about him all the time. But then W came along. W, who is right in front of me all of the time. Who smiles at me and sleeps in my arms. When I was pregnant, I found myself thinking about the lost baby a little less. Once W was out and with me, I could go a full day without thinking about the lost baby. When I do think about him, I add in some guilt with the sadness. It’s not that I love him less, but… but… what can I say here? I love that baby, but he’s not here. I love W with every cell in my body.
I think the movie is supposed to be about moving on from your losses. I love my dead grandparents, but I don’t think of them every day. I don’t love M’s living grandparents instead of the dead ones. I don’t love W instead of my lost baby. I love them both. Am I moving on from my loss? I hope I’m not forgetting. I don’t want to ever forget, but I do think I’ve learned to live with the loss. I guess that is moving on. I am living in the now instead of the what-might-have-been.
I’m hoping that the baby boy I lost isn’t looking down on me with jealousy or anger. I hope he’s happy to see that we have such a happy family now and he’s encouraging us to fully enjoy our life as it is. I have to believe that.
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7 comments:
Think about what a complete mess most people would be if no one ever "moved on". I know I would be. Obviously I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child but I'm assuming people learn to live with it more and more until it just becomes a part of you. You won't ever forget. And, you have your blog posts to help you remember as well. I'm sure that if your baby is looking down on your family now, he is happy for you. He contributed to who you are as a person and a parent - he will always be with you.
I am fighting back tears...have had and still do have all of the emotions you describe. I stil mourn, then beat myself up for "forgetting" or moving fwd. I did this when Lil Pumpkin and again with Peanut. I think with Peanut there is an added layer becuz know I know how those lost babies might have felt or grown or looked, too.
I still mourn daily, and still think about the decisions that we have made, and then feel guilty for being so sad about my losses when I should be so happy that this pregnancy is going so well! It is something that we will never loose, but something that we can grow from. Your baby is not looking down on you upset or sad...Dave told me once that this is the same baby...that we were not ready for some reason or another to have her sooner...and that God gave her back to us.
Cheryl, this touched my heart so deeply. Sending you hugs of love and understanding.
Cheryl, that was so beautifully put. I am struggling with these things, too, just being pregnant.
Life is all about change and moving forward. There is always room in your heart, things just find different places.
Sending lots of love.
For sure he is happy that you are happy. That is how it works, in my opinion. I think where he is there is no such thing as jealousy or anger.
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