And so we begin my annual introspection of how this year is different from last year and the year before that.
Two years ago today, I had just found out that we were not going to have a baby in November. I listened to my own heartbeat go out of control while we tried to find a tiny baby heartbeat. I saw a lifeless, perfectly formed baby on an ultrasound machine. My clearest memory is of his tiny ribcage.
One year ago today, I was strapped all over with monitors, but we found that perfect heartbeat and it stayed steady. I couldn’t stop smiling. Even when the pain was crazy and I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, it was still a great day.
Two years ago tomorrow, I was put to sleep and woke up alone and cried. It was the worst day of my life.
One year ago tomorrow, I was given some extra drugs to block out the pain as the c-section started. I woke up surrounded by people and cried. It was the best day of my life.
I’m sorry I sound so crazy, but it’s such a crazy time for me. I’m so excited about celebrating W’s birthday tomorrow (and this weekend!). But I still just need to sit and think about who isn’t here. And because that little boy isn’t here, I have W. I have weird, conflicting emotions about this. I’m getting better at dealing with it all.
Two years ago today, I had just found out that we were not going to have a baby in November. I listened to my own heartbeat go out of control while we tried to find a tiny baby heartbeat. I saw a lifeless, perfectly formed baby on an ultrasound machine. My clearest memory is of his tiny ribcage.
One year ago today, I was strapped all over with monitors, but we found that perfect heartbeat and it stayed steady. I couldn’t stop smiling. Even when the pain was crazy and I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, it was still a great day.
Two years ago tomorrow, I was put to sleep and woke up alone and cried. It was the worst day of my life.
One year ago tomorrow, I was given some extra drugs to block out the pain as the c-section started. I woke up surrounded by people and cried. It was the best day of my life.
I’m sorry I sound so crazy, but it’s such a crazy time for me. I’m so excited about celebrating W’s birthday tomorrow (and this weekend!). But I still just need to sit and think about who isn’t here. And because that little boy isn’t here, I have W. I have weird, conflicting emotions about this. I’m getting better at dealing with it all.
8 comments:
hugs... many, many hugs...
Happy birthday W!!!!!!!!!!
I think about that stuff, too. Lil Pumpkin likes to talk about how she is my eldest and Peanut is my youngest child (into those kind of concepts in pre-school lately). And how by becoming my daughter, she "made" me a Mommy, therefore. Which is true. But . . . I get this lump in my throat, thinking of the three m/c's and adoption referral that happened before she was matched with us . . . and I know she is a good decade away from me explaining that. And how I don't want her to understand or feel slighted in any way because I still cry for these babies whom I have named in the deepest corners of my mind.
Thinking of you, dear bloggy friend :0/
Happy birthday W! I know it's going to be a challenging day for you {{{HUGS}}}
I know this so well. And cry with you. I am so happy you have both your boys in your life.
So happy you have your little man and wishing him a VERY Happy 1st Birthday!! It seems like the days went by so slowly while going through Fertility issues, and yet now it seems like the past year since Kailyn was born has just FLOWN by before my eyes!!!
Happy Birthday to W! You made it, mommy!
You are a great mom. Remembering both your kids on the same day must be difficult.
I love you and am thinking of you. I am glad you feel like you are coping okay, but be gentle with yourself. It's okay to feel both happy and sad on these big days...don't forget to give yourself some time if you need it.
Tough stuff, and wonderful stuff. Hard memories, and amazing memories.
Happy Birthday W!
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