Part of me will feel relief if we don’t see a heartbeat on Tuesday. This is a very small, scary part of me. But it’s there and I need to talk about it. It’s not because I don’t want this baby. It’s because if I lose it now, I won’t lose it at 14 weeks. I won’t lose it after I fall hopelessly in love with the little blinking blob. I’m trying not to think about it, but things like this pop in my head in the middle of the night. I’ve be weighing another D&C vs. drugs. I’ve been trying to get stuff done at work in case I’m out for the rest of the week.
But… oh man, if something is there. I’m crying just thinking about the possibility. I can’t even think about that. I don’t even want to let myself hope that much.
Today I'm 7 weeks. I feel like crap, which is a great thing. Less than 32 hours until the appointment.
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11 comments:
I think fears once us IFers is normal hun.
I really really hope that you see that heartbeat!
I'll be thinking of you.
Sass
I know that feeling so well. I think more people feel that way than actually admit it.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping that if there's a heartbeat there, it doesn't let you down!
I'm on the same page as you 100%. I keep thinking to myself, if I'm going to lose this one too, I want to lose it now and not after I get attached or at the point where I'll need a D&C.
I'll be thinking about you and wish you the best of luck. Can't wait to see your update tomorrow.
Hugs!!
I completely understand what you are saying. As has been said, I think many more of us think this than admit it. I am praying that tomorrow goes well!
Cheryl, I'll be praying for you. You deserve this hope so much. I too think the fear is normal - fear that it is, and fear that it isn't.
I totally understand too. Though I have a few more cycles that I'll probably continue to try with my own eggs, I'm at the point where I'm almost rooting for it not to work rather than risk another BFP heartbreak. Sadly, I seem to be terrified of my own eggs.
But trust in yourself and this baby. We both have some good eggs left in us, it's just a matter of capturing the good ones. Feeling like crap is a great sign that this one is a strong, healthy bean.
I'll be sending you many P&PTs for tomorrow.
I completely understand you. I'm 9 weeks today and scare more than ever. This is the farthest we have ever made it but at the same time I am so in love now it's to hard to even think about losing this one.
I pray everything does go well tomorrow for you and continues that way.
fingers crossed for a great appt!!!
I TOTALLY GET IT, SISTAH!
I actually have had a few blog readers who did NOT "get it" and thought I had a screw lose or was otherwise ungrateful.
Every week makes it harder to think about saying goodbye. Having had 3 early m/c's, I know I grieved as mightily as someone who went much further (I don't think how far along someone is has anything to do with how much grief they are entitled to possess - a bond is a bond, ya know?!)
I also thought a lot about how friggin' PHYSICALLY excruciating my m/c was last time around (7 weeks), and how I think I passed all of the baby/tissue prior to my D&C the following morning. Still, I needed the D&C, emotionally, to move on, if it makes sense?!
I can't imagine the physical pain involved if I lose this baby now that I am 15 weeks, 3 days. Nor the emotional guilt that will accompany it for having held back my attachment pretty much at this point.
Honey, I totally get where you are coming from. Totally.
As someone who has had 2 m/c's in the past year I understand your fear. I hope Tuesday holds a wonderfully strong heartbeat for you!!
ICLW
I know where you are coming from, as I have the same fear..I hope and pray that you will see a strong heartbeat on your u/s and that slowly, day by day and week by week, your fear will start to turn into real joy.
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