A trip!

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend, D, and I realized how different I am now. We talked about my upcoming vacation to Scotland. M and I decided to take this trip so I could have something to look forward to, I always need to have something to plan and think about and be excited for. It doesn’t take much. Sometimes I’m really excited about dinner. Just last night I was counting down the minutes to “I Survived a Japanese Gameshow!” This can get out of hand and sometimes I get so excited for a plane trip that I forget to get excited about the actual vacation. Several hours where I can just sit and read! What could be better! McDonald’s breakfast on the way to the airport!

Right, moving on.

So, M and I are waiting to try again until after this vacation. I told D this and she said something about how you wouldn’t want to be pregnant and on a cool vacation. Well, number one, I wouldn’t be going on this trip if I were still pregnant. Also, it never even occurred to me about how a pregnancy would inconvenience me on the trip. I am most concerned about miscarrying while sightseeing in the highlands. I don’t want to spend the entire trip afraid to use the bathroom. Who cares if I can drink wine (although I DO like to drink wine). Our first due date (September 10th) is in the middle of this trip. While I may be drinking as much wine as I can, I’ll also be wishing I wasn’t even there. A baby would be so much better.

In other trip-related news, M and I had a driving lesson last night. I’m not so, uh, confident when it comes to driving a stick-shift. I was told that we couldn’t do a 10-day driving trip unless I could drive the car we will be renting. We’ve tried this driving thing before and we’ve stopped each time because both of us were in tears (me – frustration, M – fear that his car will explode). I did ok this time and I decided to quit while I was ahead. I can stop easily now and I’ve gotten over my fear about rear ending every car in sight. But I’m a little rough on takeoff. I’m sometimes afraid to pull in front of traffic in my reliable automatic Civic. Now I’m just taking this a little at a time and I picture myself taking M’s car out for a spin just for fun! I will be a wonderful driver!

When I got out of the car last night, M almost cried again. But this was because I was drenched in sweat and it looked like I peed my pants. He wiped off the seat and laughed the whole way home.

Friends with Babies

One of my closest, most wonderful friends, R, had her second little girl yesterday. I’ve been friends with R since my first day of high school and she’s been everything you could ever want in a friend. Her first pregnancy ended before 6 weeks and she was devastated. I didn’t know what to do for her then and I probably wasn’t as supportive as I should have been. Looking back on that, I feel pretty bad.

She was the only person (besides M) who knew about our first pregnancy, and she was actually at my house when it happened. I didn’t tell her about it that morning, but I did later on and she kept checking on me and making sure I was doing ok. And the second time, she was still there and still rooting for me. All this time, she’s been pregnant.


I don’t have that normal jealousy/nauseous feeling when I think about her pregnancy. I’m not sure how I don’t, but the only feeling I have when thinking about her new baby and her pregnancy is happiness for her. She was wonderful about talking about the baby after I lost mine. I actually had to ask her for details, and then she gave me exactly the right amount. She’s amazing, and I’m lucky to have friends like her. I’m still not sure when I’ll go see her and the baby. I was worried that she would have a boy and I’d never visit, but with a girl I can see myself up there in a month or two. I’m not ready yet.

I have other, wonderful, supportive friends – and I wonder how a girl like me ended up with this great circle of girls. But, hey, I’m not complaining!

Back to me and my feelings… I told my MIL last night that our baby was a boy and I filled her in on all the blood tests I had. Then she started walking towards me. I actually yelled, “Don’t hug me, please!” but she still did. I tried so hard to keep myself from breaking down when I was telling her everything, but she kept at her goal of making me cry as much as possible. So I had to sit there sobbing for a while. The whole time, I could hear M and his brother talk about soccer and pretend we were normal.

The blood letting

Around 1:30 yesterday, I realized that I was sitting in the blood drawing room at my OB office and I was reading a book about vampires. I had to laugh a little at that because I didn't want to pay attention to what was going on around me. The Tech had a huge list of tests in front of her and she had to look them all up because she had never seen some of them before. I learned all kinds of new stuff about blood tests. Each test has to go in a specific color tube. Some tubes need to be frozen. Some tubes need to be mixed and some need to be separated. I had all of these. She had to go back and get a second set of labels for my blood tubes.

I can't watch the needle go it and I can't watch my blood drain into the tube, so I occupied myself by trying to count the vials. No good! You try to think while your life force is getting sucked out of you (well, not that bad, but the vampire books are really getting to me). I counted somewhere between 13 and 19. Some were pretty small, so the amount of blood wasn't that bad.

I'm happy about the amount of tests I'm getting done. I feel like we might be able to come up with an answer. I tried to remember the ones she looked up, but, again, losing blood = no memory. One was Factor II something and one was for Lupus. I tried to look these up, but got confused by the medical terms. Really I just want to find something that says, "Here's your problem! You can fix it so easy! Take this pill, and have a great next pregnancy!"

Stupid clothes

I have a love/hate relationship with shopping. I love shopping for *stuff* like holiday decorations (I LOVE holidays) and silly gifts, but I’m not a huge fan of shopping for clothes. I don’t fit in anything. Short legs, long torso, big on top (which is nice for some things), ugly ankles, etc. I did an awesome job yesterday, though. I got 11 new shirts (2-3 for work, the rest are casual), 2 belts and a pack of socks. Most of my casual clothes are t-shirts (I’m almost 30!) and I needed some nicer things to wear. I’m happy with what I got, I’m wearing a new shirt today and I feel cute.

However… there’s always a however. I saw a pregnant woman in the parking lot and got mad that I was shopping for normal clothes. You know those cute, flowy shirts that are all loose in the waist and look really adorable on skinny girls? Well, they look pretty dumb on a big-chested girl who used to be pregnant. They looked ok, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to wear any of them. They made me sad just to put on – how could I wear that in public? I know this is kind of self absorbed, but when people see me they will feel bad for me because it will look like I’m wearing maternity clothes for no reason. So everything I bought is kind of form fitting. No loose shirts for me!

Baby Boy

My doctor called me yesterday morning to tell me the results of the chromosome testing. I chose to do this because I want to know a reason why our baby died. But she didn’t have one, the baby was perfectly normal… a little boy. We wanted a boy so much and knowing this brought on a whole new wave of grief. He’ll always be on my mind, and it feels so great to be able to say HE and not call my baby an it. I’m happy that we know, and I’m happy we made a boy, but now I miss him more than ever. Seeing little boys is just going to break my heart for a long time. I know that some people name their babies, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do that. He doesn’t need a name for me to remember him, he’ll just always be my little baby boy.

I guess the chromosome testing came back with good news. Nothing was wrong with him, so maybe the problem is with me. I’m going in on Thursday to have blood drawn and they’ll do all kinds of mad-scientist tests to see what’s up. I hope that will give me some answers. I don’t really want to have some kind of weird blood clotting problem, but I’d like to know a reason and I’d like that reason to be something I can manage. I have to wait 4-6 weeks to get the results from that test.

Tonight I’m going shopping for some new clothes. I hadn’t bought anything new in anticipation of being pleasantly chubby for the summer and my clothes really need some spicing up! Luckily Kohl’s moved the maternity section over to the baby area, so I won’t even have to see it.

The beach weekend

M and I went to the beach this weekend to spend time with my parents. They are in the process of building a house down there and they are having a great time picking out all the stuff that goes with it. I used to work for a builder, so I wanted to see how the houses are built and my parents are very concerned with the siding color. We spent 15 minutes in the car while my mom took pictures of the lot. My dad had to keep moving the car to get it out of the shot and tried to get my mom to stand on the car to get a picture of the view. The guys working on the house next door just stopped and stared at them the whole time. My parents haven't embarrased me in years, but they came close this weekend.

One evening, we went to my aunt's house to have some drinks. Most of my dad's family was there and we had a nice time talking to them and watching them get drunk. My aunt (she's about 70) came up to the bar and picked up a drink and smelled it, "That's water! That can't be my drink! Where's my drink???" We didn't talk as much as giggle at the old folks.

At the end of the night, M and I were leaving with my parents and my cousin's husband came out with us. He stopped us and said that he was so sorry about our baby and that he'd been thinking of us. I just started crying and couldn't stop. It was part sadness, but part gratefulness that someone had said something. Everyone just acts like nothing happened, but it's all I think about. I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about how different it should be. I should have been sitting on the beach all wrapped up with a cute belly instead of trying to hide some fat, I should have spent a few hours going through the baby departments at the country stores instead of avoiding them, I should have smiled at the babies playing in the sand instead of sitting so I couldn't see them. My parents and I carefully didn't talk about where we would put a crib in the new house.

I have a boring week ahead, but I'm looking forward to going to see the Orioles play on Thursday! I don't really watch the game, but the Old Bay Crab Shuffle between the 3rd and 4th innings is AWESOME!

A Strange Calm

I've been feeling pretty good and at peace lately. I have moments of feeling sad and missing our baby, but I haven't been crying a lot. It's like part of me has accepted that it's not the end of the world that I won't have a baby in November. My life is not over, we will be trying again. We will have a baby someday, just not as soon as I thought.

Part of this is because I try not to think about it at all. I am trying so hard to keep myself distracted. We've been planning our Scotland trip, we're going to the beach this weekend and my cousin is getting married over the 4th of July weekend. I have plenty to keep my mind busy. Whenever I start thinking about baby stuff, I just stop and change the subject in my mind. If I find myself sitting around and doing nothing, I get up and find something to do. I don't even lay in bed for long on the weekends now.

I'm not sure if this is the way I'm supposed to grieve, and this could all come crashing down on me soon. But I'm not the type to drag out crying about anything.

On Monday, I got some statements from my insurance about my D&C. So far the bills have added up to about $2000, but most of it was covered. I don't know how much I actually have to pay yet. I also got a bill for my NT scan, which was not covered at all. That bill upset me a lot - it cost me almost $400 to get our last view of our baby alive. It was worth it and I'd do it again if given the option.

The same day I got all the bills, I also got an issue of Parents magazine. I turned it over so I couldn't see the cover. I have a container under the bed with all my maternity clothes (mostly unworn) and baby stuff. I'm slipping the magazines in there. Someday I'll be able to pull them out and read them and be excited.

But for now, I'll just look forward to reading a book on the beach this weekend.

The long story of me...

I wanted to get a little background so I could write freely about what is going on with me now. This ended up being ridiculously long, but it’s everything! Here is my story (so far):

My husband, M., and I met in college. We bought a house together in December 2003. He proposed in October 2004, we got married on a beautiful day in January 2006.

We started trying for a baby in November 2008. I got my first positive test on December 31, 2008 and drank sparkling juice at the New Years party. I had a bad feeling right from the start and when I miscarried on January 10, 2009, I was terribly upset, but not surprised. I thought that was the worst day of my life. M. had been out of town for the weekend and I had to tell him when he got home. The doctor advised us to wait one cycle and to try again.

We got pregnant right away and I knew I would see that positive line on March 4th. Every appointment for this baby was perfect - perfect heartbeat at 6 weeks, perfect size with arms and legs at 10 weeks, perfect NT scan at 12 weeks. Then I went in for my 14 week appointment. This time I wasn’t nervous – I even had a good blood pressure check because I was so calm. The doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat with the Doppler and I got a little worried. Then she did an external ultrasound and we couldn’t see a heartbeat. She rushed me to the hospital grade ultrasound and we could see a perfectly formed, still, silent, baby. I could see every detail, even a tiny ribcage - but no heartbeat. M. came with me to the 6 week appointment and the NT scan. I told him he didn’t need to come to this 14 week appointment because we were doing great and he was so busy at work. I had to call him to come meet me at the doctor’s office.

I was given two options. I could take some medication and wait it out or I could have a D&C. I opted for the D&C as soon as possible. My 5 week miscarriage was unbearable. I don’t think I could handle this one – also, the doctor wasn’t actually giving me the option. She said it was possible, but not something she recommended.
We went home from the doctor and broke down. It was such a strange feeling. I felt fine; it was a beautiful May day. But I wasn’t actually pregnant anymore. My stomach started to feel like I was carrying a lead weight around. Each of us called our moms – just remembering this brings back so much sadness. Both of them were devastated. My dad called me in the afternoon and just cried on the phone. That has to be one of the worst moments of my life. But it was also a time when I realized just how loved I am. That afternoon I took all of our baby stuff and put it away. Better to do it then, while I was kind of in shock, then to do it after the D&C. I didn’t want to come home and see the reminder of the baby everywhere. The hospital called me to tell me I’d have to be there at 7:30 the next morning for the surgery at 9:30. I had two Cytotec pills to take at 3:00 in the morning (the pills soften your cervix, making the surgery a little easier for the doctor and a little easier on you).

That night was awful. I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I threw up before bed. M. was so worried about me. I wasn’t allowed to eat after midnight, but I probably didn’t have any food or water after 6 and I had thrown up the little dinner we had.

The surgery was way easier than I thought. We arrived at the hospital where the check-in and blood draw went easy. They sent me back to the pre-op room by myself, which was hard. I had to get changed and sit and wait by myself for a while. I cried off and on, the nurses and the anesthesiologist came and went. They were all so nice to me. A chaplain came in and gave me some information and held my hand while I cried. Eventually, M. was able to come in and wait with me. The doctor came in and gave M a list of prescriptions and I started getting some medication through the IV. I remember being in the operating room, but not much past that. I woke up in the recovery room and I can’t even describe how good I felt. I was tired and I was still upset, but my body didn’t hurt anymore. I was fully hydrated from the IV and I had a great deep sleep. My legs were a little sore from the stirrups. M came back after a little while and I was able to eat a little and get dressed to go home. We were home before noon.

I had the D&C on a Tuesday morning, and I stayed home from work for the rest of the week. I cleaned the house, we went to Harper’s Ferry for a day, and we had some friends over for a cook out. Everything seemed so normal.

One thing that I am so thankful for is the support from our friends. We received flowers from my coworkers, M’s friends and M’s aunt. M’s coworkers pooled together to get him a carryout gift card. One of my coworkers sent us a gift card for a steak dinner. My friends sent us a huge box of cookies. M’s mom gave us a book about grieving and a prayer angel. My parents gave us a tree to plant. We also received so many emails, texts, facebook messages and cards. The outpouring of support was what kept us going. I’m still getting that support from friends who are still finding out. I know I’m lucky to have these kinds of friends.

It’s been 2 weeks and 2 days since my D&C. I’m physically 100% healed. The doctor has given me the all clear for normal activity. My AF returned and seemed normal to me (and to the doctor). She said we could try again in two cycles. We’re still waiting for the results of the chromosome testing on the baby – hopefully that will come back with some answers.

Deciding what to do after the test results will be my next step. Until then, I’m looking forward to a weekend at home, dinner with friends and perhaps a trip to a small beer garden on Saturday evening.

The First Post

I suppose I could start off with the story of me and what defines me and why I’m writing, but really I just need to get some things out first. Maybe I’ll continue writing and maybe this need to spill my guts won’t last more than a week.

Things that I will never get to do again:
1. See a pregnancy test and be filled with joy and certainty that I’ll have a baby in 9-ish months.
2. Tell people about a pregnancy and have them automatically think all those happy things. I’m sure their first thought will be “I hope this one works out” or “what will she do if she loses this one, too?”
3. See the joyful expressions from my mom and my mother in law and all those other women I love when they here I get pregnant.
4. Sit calmly in the waiting room of the OB office.

Things I will not get to do this year:
1. Decorate a huge belly like a pumpkin.
2. Spend warm summer nights lounging on the deck and dreaming about our baby.
3. Look at new moms with babies and smile and think about how that will be me in a few months.
4. Spend Thanksgiving full of joy and passing around an infant to family members.
5. Wear maternity pants to Thanksgiving dinner because no other pants fit and I want to eat everything in sight.
6. Take a picture of a sleeping baby in a stocking for my Christmas cards.

Things I get to do that I’m trying to get excited about, even though I wish I couldn’t do them:
1. Spend warm summer nights on the deck with a glass of wine.
2. See the my college team play nearby on the day after my due date.
3. Black Friday shopping with my best friends for the 15th-ish year in a row.
4. Go see New Moon as soon as it comes out.
5. Go to Scotland on a tour of castles with my husband.