One year ago

It's so weird to think back to myself a year ago. May 4, 2009 was the last time I saw my little boy alive on the ultrasound screen. It was such a great day. I remember calling our parents and squealing about how cute he was. We knew he'd here in November. We started telling everyone. I now know that he passed away a few days later, while we were still sharing the happy news.

I am not where I thought I would be now. I'm not sure how I'll feel as the actual anniversary arrives. I hope it turns out a lot like his due date, where I felt that he would want me to be happy with all the great news I was having. I hope that I'll feel at peace on May 18th and feel him looking down at us as a new little family of three. He won't be the one we'll be hugging and holding and loving, but he'll be in our hearts.

Of course, I still have a tiny voice telling me I'm not out of the woods yet. This baby still has to make it to the day it (finally) decides to be born. Then the delivery has to go well. And all the other unknowns have to line up. I'm afraid. But hopeful. And looking forward to something great.