The appointment was at 4, so I had the entire day to wait. I felt pretty nervous and tried to talk myself out of it. After all, I had my symptoms and everything seemed great. I did look up blighted ovum at one point, thinking that if I could just see the statistics, I would feel better. I was sweaty and had a stomachache by the time I was in the doctor’s office. M was with me, so we just kind of sat there and didn’t talk about anything.
The doctor came in and did the normal check up stuff and talked to me a little before starting the ultrasound. She started looking around and I could see the sack. She got closer and scanned through the sack once without seeing anything. I still had hope at this point. I grabbed M’s hand as she went through a second time, much slower. Still nothing. She measured the sack, but couldn’t get the machine to give the dating measurement. She said it looked small. After a little more looking, she turned it off and we talked about it. She asked if my dates could be off. I told her that I had a positive test on the 21st. That is way too early to not see anything by now. She agreed. She left so I could get dressed. When she came back, I had an appointment at a nearby ultrasound place for Wednesday and a follow up with a different doctor afterwards.
We were upset. M was stoic. He waited with me while I had some blood drawn. We sat next to another couple who were smiling and giggling to each other. I went home and M went to pick up W. Then we didn’t do anything for the rest of the evening. I emailed my bosses to tell them what happened and a girl in my office so she could pick up some work that I needed done on Wednesday.
I had lots of support. Two friends who knew and my internet group. It was like I had 20 people on standby waiting for my news.
This isn’t as bad as last time. It was early. We never got our hopes up. We have W. But I’m still angry and constantly yelling FUCK in my mind.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Empty sack.
Not much else to say really. I have another ultrasound with a high-tech machine tomorrow at 11. Then a follow up at my doctor's office at 1:30.
So I'm pissed off.
And, unfortunately, stuck with my pollyanna attitude that keeps nagging me: At least it happened now and not a month from now! Isn't it better this way?
So I'm pissed off.
And, unfortunately, stuck with my pollyanna attitude that keeps nagging me: At least it happened now and not a month from now! Isn't it better this way?
Friday, January 13, 2012
Coming out
I came out last night to my MOPS group. Not that I’m pregnant, but about being a baby loss mom. It was freeing and, of course, amazing to hear their stories as well. We were a table of 9 women: 3 had experienced miscarriages, 2 had suffered infertility and 1 had a stillborn baby girl. That is 6 out of 9, much higher that I would have thought.
The topic of the night was depression (and counseling) and I wasn’t too eager to go. I was very upset after my miscarriages, but I never considered myself depressed. I was grieving and crying a lot, but never lost hope or felt like life wasn’t worth living. Depression isn’t really on my radar. But I listened to the speaker because I wanted to know what she had been through and I want to be able to be a good listener in case someone I know needs help.
After the speaker, we went back to our groups and discussed. It started off generic and then went deeper when one girl at our table started talking about her daughter, stillborn at 39 weeks. I knew a little background about her, she has 2 living children and one angel (as she is listed in the newsletter). I had been wanting to ask her about it, but we’re not close and I didn’t want to be too intrusive.* She talked about how she struggled with depression even before she lost her daughter and how counseling had helped her. Another girl talked about deaths in her family and the parish counseling she received. Another talked about feeling lost in college and going to a support group. So I brought up the internet. I said that I went through two miscarriages and found support and hope with girls online. It was the only place that I could find others who knew what I felt and didn’t wish I would just stop talking about it already. I saw others nodding and I went on and ended up explaining the ALI world online. That brought out stories from 2 other girls about their losses. As the conversations led to smaller groups talking, the girl next to me told me about her struggle to get pregnant. Then the girl on the other side told me about her infertility while holding her 5 month old daughter – from a donor embryo. It brought our little group to the next level. In a weird way, it made me happier to be there.
I was asked several times when we are planning to have another. It’s hard for me to lie outright, so I just said, “Sometime soon, I hope!” which is the exact honest truth.
As for my normal life: 6 weeks, 5 days pregnant. I’m starting to get tired and my boobs are huge. All great signs. I’m counting down the hours until Tuesday at 4 pm. In the meantime, I’m trying not to think of adorable ideas of how to tell our families and not committing to upcoming bachelorette parties.
*Tangent: I have the impression that parents want to talk about their babies that aren’t here. I mean, I’ll talk to you about my babies if you ask. I know bringing it up won’t remind her of her daughter – everything brings those memories back. So I had been thinking of ways to ask her. But I hadn’t been given the opportunity to talk to her one on one and I’m not brave enough to create that situation.
The topic of the night was depression (and counseling) and I wasn’t too eager to go. I was very upset after my miscarriages, but I never considered myself depressed. I was grieving and crying a lot, but never lost hope or felt like life wasn’t worth living. Depression isn’t really on my radar. But I listened to the speaker because I wanted to know what she had been through and I want to be able to be a good listener in case someone I know needs help.
After the speaker, we went back to our groups and discussed. It started off generic and then went deeper when one girl at our table started talking about her daughter, stillborn at 39 weeks. I knew a little background about her, she has 2 living children and one angel (as she is listed in the newsletter). I had been wanting to ask her about it, but we’re not close and I didn’t want to be too intrusive.* She talked about how she struggled with depression even before she lost her daughter and how counseling had helped her. Another girl talked about deaths in her family and the parish counseling she received. Another talked about feeling lost in college and going to a support group. So I brought up the internet. I said that I went through two miscarriages and found support and hope with girls online. It was the only place that I could find others who knew what I felt and didn’t wish I would just stop talking about it already. I saw others nodding and I went on and ended up explaining the ALI world online. That brought out stories from 2 other girls about their losses. As the conversations led to smaller groups talking, the girl next to me told me about her struggle to get pregnant. Then the girl on the other side told me about her infertility while holding her 5 month old daughter – from a donor embryo. It brought our little group to the next level. In a weird way, it made me happier to be there.
I was asked several times when we are planning to have another. It’s hard for me to lie outright, so I just said, “Sometime soon, I hope!” which is the exact honest truth.
As for my normal life: 6 weeks, 5 days pregnant. I’m starting to get tired and my boobs are huge. All great signs. I’m counting down the hours until Tuesday at 4 pm. In the meantime, I’m trying not to think of adorable ideas of how to tell our families and not committing to upcoming bachelorette parties.
*Tangent: I have the impression that parents want to talk about their babies that aren’t here. I mean, I’ll talk to you about my babies if you ask. I know bringing it up won’t remind her of her daughter – everything brings those memories back. So I had been thinking of ways to ask her. But I hadn’t been given the opportunity to talk to her one on one and I’m not brave enough to create that situation.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
First milestone!
We passed the first milestone. This is officially more successful than my least successful pregnancy.
Today I am 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I don't feel pregnant, but I don't feel not pregnant. That's the thing about this time around - I'm not really focused on being pregnant. I actually forget all the time. I remember twice a day - breakfast (when I take my vitamins and baby aspirin) and dinner (when I don't drink wine).
We don't talk about this pregnancy at home. I know M is worried, but neither one of us wants to get the other worked up. He does mention to me every once in a while something small, like, "Did you take your medicine today?" and "Make your drink now so you can fake it."
We were out shopping over the weekend and I saw the most adorable big brother t-shirt that was on sale. I asked M if we should get it just in case and he said no. We could come back and get it when we need it. I wouldn't have bought it anyway, not now. We'll tell our parents after we see a heartbeat and that appointment isn't for another 2 weeks (Jan 17, 4 pm). I agreed that I'd rather not have to put the shirt in a drawer to find some other day. We have enough stuff like that in drawers around the house already.
W news: He stopped sucking his thumb over the holidays and that means his naps went to crap. I told M that in a few years we'll forget how rough this no-nap time was with him and we'll tell other people how we're fantastic parents and we got our toddler to stop thumb sucking at 19 months old.
Today I am 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I don't feel pregnant, but I don't feel not pregnant. That's the thing about this time around - I'm not really focused on being pregnant. I actually forget all the time. I remember twice a day - breakfast (when I take my vitamins and baby aspirin) and dinner (when I don't drink wine).
We don't talk about this pregnancy at home. I know M is worried, but neither one of us wants to get the other worked up. He does mention to me every once in a while something small, like, "Did you take your medicine today?" and "Make your drink now so you can fake it."
We were out shopping over the weekend and I saw the most adorable big brother t-shirt that was on sale. I asked M if we should get it just in case and he said no. We could come back and get it when we need it. I wouldn't have bought it anyway, not now. We'll tell our parents after we see a heartbeat and that appointment isn't for another 2 weeks (Jan 17, 4 pm). I agreed that I'd rather not have to put the shirt in a drawer to find some other day. We have enough stuff like that in drawers around the house already.
W news: He stopped sucking his thumb over the holidays and that means his naps went to crap. I told M that in a few years we'll forget how rough this no-nap time was with him and we'll tell other people how we're fantastic parents and we got our toddler to stop thumb sucking at 19 months old.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Feeling better about this
Here is today's test (on the right). It is looking much darker and feels real. I also have a very dark line on a First Response, but I sent myself the wrong picture this morning... Oh no!
I told M about it this morning. I wanted to wait for Christmas, but I can not keep a secret to save my life, especially one this big! He was grinning all morning!
EDD is Sept 2nd. I'll call for the first appointment on the 27th. I still think it's too early to call the doctor.
I'm so happy to see so many familiar names in my comments. You all have a special place in my heart and it makes me feel warm and cozy to know you're still out there.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
VFP?
You can't see it on the pictures. I can see something at home. Of course I'll keep testing!
I wasn't haveing symptoms yesterday and pretty much talked myself out of testing this morning. But I woke up and my boobs felt huge and achy, so I waited until DH was shaving (in the guest bathroom) and tested and hid it in a drawer until I could take the picture. I didn't tell him because he would really think I was crazy right now!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Non-update
I didn't want to leave anyone hanging - BFN on Sunday. I'm saying that I'll wait until Saturday to test again. I'll let you know when my willpower breaks!
Friday, December 16, 2011
It’s been a while
So, hi! I bet you missed me!
I’m still reading all the blogs out there, but I fell victim to the craziness of blogger and not being able to comment. I tried some of the fixes, sometimes they worked. Most of the times they didn’t. Those are crappy excuses, but true. I’m on a work computer, so I don’t want to mess with the settings too much. Who knows what I’d screw up.
I’m back because we are back on the TTC wagon. Maybe we’ll be lucky and I’ll be able to surprise DH with a positive test in his stocking (as if I have enough will power to wait that long). Maybe we won’t.
I talked to a friend today about how this time around will be not-so-different from the last time. Part of me thinks that it should be so easy and relaxing because, Hey! We can do this! The other part of me thinks I’ll be just as crazy as last time.
I hope I’ll have those feelings that some other non-first time mom’s have about pregnancy. Where you kind of aren’t as focused on the pregnancy as the first time. But I’m sure I’ll still be scared.
TWW report: I’ve had some mild tenderness today. A few days ago, I was really tender. I’m testing on Sunday. I’ll be somewhere between 7 and 10 dpo.
I’m back because we are back on the TTC wagon. Maybe we’ll be lucky and I’ll be able to surprise DH with a positive test in his stocking (as if I have enough will power to wait that long). Maybe we won’t.
I talked to a friend today about how this time around will be not-so-different from the last time. Part of me thinks that it should be so easy and relaxing because, Hey! We can do this! The other part of me thinks I’ll be just as crazy as last time.
I hope I’ll have those feelings that some other non-first time mom’s have about pregnancy. Where you kind of aren’t as focused on the pregnancy as the first time. But I’m sure I’ll still be scared.
TWW report: I’ve had some mild tenderness today. A few days ago, I was really tender. I’m testing on Sunday. I’ll be somewhere between 7 and 10 dpo.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
A new resource
The biggest help for me right after I lost my baby was reading the stories of others who understood how hard it was. Knowing that I wasn't alone and reading about the pain gave me more support than I could ever express here.
The blogs gave me friendship and hope. I don't update much anymore, but I leave my story out here so others might get the same support from me.
A new directory is up with baby loss blogs. I loved the Faces of Loss page, but that seems to have slowed down. The blogs were always a better way to get to know people and get the long story (and hopefully the happy ending).
The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory.
The blogs gave me friendship and hope. I don't update much anymore, but I leave my story out here so others might get the same support from me.
A new directory is up with baby loss blogs. I loved the Faces of Loss page, but that seems to have slowed down. The blogs were always a better way to get to know people and get the long story (and hopefully the happy ending).
The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The smart kid
A couple of day ago, I rolled up to daycare all excited to pick up the W man. I walked in an giggled a little at the sight of a half naked baby and lots of kids standing around, looking at a half naked girl. Then I noticed that one kid was missing from the gawkers. Mine. W was confined to a crib. He was looking and stretching his neck and wanting to be with the others.
"W is in the crib because J puked on the floor and W tried to eat it."
I love that kid.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
My Bittersweet Day
And so we begin my annual introspection of how this year is different from last year and the year before that.
Two years ago today, I had just found out that we were not going to have a baby in November. I listened to my own heartbeat go out of control while we tried to find a tiny baby heartbeat. I saw a lifeless, perfectly formed baby on an ultrasound machine. My clearest memory is of his tiny ribcage.
One year ago today, I was strapped all over with monitors, but we found that perfect heartbeat and it stayed steady. I couldn’t stop smiling. Even when the pain was crazy and I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, it was still a great day.
Two years ago tomorrow, I was put to sleep and woke up alone and cried. It was the worst day of my life.
One year ago tomorrow, I was given some extra drugs to block out the pain as the c-section started. I woke up surrounded by people and cried. It was the best day of my life.
I’m sorry I sound so crazy, but it’s such a crazy time for me. I’m so excited about celebrating W’s birthday tomorrow (and this weekend!). But I still just need to sit and think about who isn’t here. And because that little boy isn’t here, I have W. I have weird, conflicting emotions about this. I’m getting better at dealing with it all.
Two years ago today, I had just found out that we were not going to have a baby in November. I listened to my own heartbeat go out of control while we tried to find a tiny baby heartbeat. I saw a lifeless, perfectly formed baby on an ultrasound machine. My clearest memory is of his tiny ribcage.
One year ago today, I was strapped all over with monitors, but we found that perfect heartbeat and it stayed steady. I couldn’t stop smiling. Even when the pain was crazy and I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, it was still a great day.
Two years ago tomorrow, I was put to sleep and woke up alone and cried. It was the worst day of my life.
One year ago tomorrow, I was given some extra drugs to block out the pain as the c-section started. I woke up surrounded by people and cried. It was the best day of my life.
I’m sorry I sound so crazy, but it’s such a crazy time for me. I’m so excited about celebrating W’s birthday tomorrow (and this weekend!). But I still just need to sit and think about who isn’t here. And because that little boy isn’t here, I have W. I have weird, conflicting emotions about this. I’m getting better at dealing with it all.
Friday, May 13, 2011
After MTHFR
The deal with MTHFR (for me at least) was “Hooray! We have a REASON!” It was a neat little package with a pill to fix everything. It was a best-case scenario in a morbid kind of way.
To recap: My MTHFR is the easiest to deal with. It is a blood clotting disorder that isn’t really a big deal when you are not pregnant. It is a big deal in the placenta. I was able to control it with one baby aspirin and some extra folic acid each day.
Now I’m dealing with the other side of discovering this problem. Every single birth control ad you see has a disclaimer about not taking the pill if you have a blood clotting disorder. Part of me wants to say that I took birth control for 10 years and never had a problem… but most of me is pretty risk-adverse. And the doctors are the same way.
My options are now limited to an IUD or the mini-pill (the same one given to breastfeeding mothers). I was on the mini-pill off and on while breastfeeding. It didn’t work out well for me – I had a 28 day period (like light bleeding for 4 weeks) and then started getting a 7 day period every 14 days. I was taking it at the right time and being careful and all that. M and I decided that the point of BC is to be able to have sex whenever you want… the mini-pill was kind of missing the point on that one.
I had a long talk with my doctor about the IUD. I had a few options. She was mildly concerned about the crazy cycles, so I’d either have to have a ton of tests to make sure that the pill was the problem or wait several months to see if I would go back to normal without the pill. We decided that the IUD was not right for me because of our plans to start trying for a second baby in a year or whatever. The IUD isn’t really a short term BC method.
So that leaves me out here… in the scary place of just condoms. We’re very good about it. The idea of two kids in infant daycare will scare anyone into perfect condom use!
W is getting older and the idea of another baby is floating around. I’m not at the point where I’m craving another baby yet. I’m still just amazed that I have W. I can’t even imagine loving someone else the way I love him. M has also said that he’s not ready to split his attention between two kids. So we’re still talking about it and deciding. I’m grateful that we have that option.
To recap: My MTHFR is the easiest to deal with. It is a blood clotting disorder that isn’t really a big deal when you are not pregnant. It is a big deal in the placenta. I was able to control it with one baby aspirin and some extra folic acid each day.
Now I’m dealing with the other side of discovering this problem. Every single birth control ad you see has a disclaimer about not taking the pill if you have a blood clotting disorder. Part of me wants to say that I took birth control for 10 years and never had a problem… but most of me is pretty risk-adverse. And the doctors are the same way.
My options are now limited to an IUD or the mini-pill (the same one given to breastfeeding mothers). I was on the mini-pill off and on while breastfeeding. It didn’t work out well for me – I had a 28 day period (like light bleeding for 4 weeks) and then started getting a 7 day period every 14 days. I was taking it at the right time and being careful and all that. M and I decided that the point of BC is to be able to have sex whenever you want… the mini-pill was kind of missing the point on that one.
I had a long talk with my doctor about the IUD. I had a few options. She was mildly concerned about the crazy cycles, so I’d either have to have a ton of tests to make sure that the pill was the problem or wait several months to see if I would go back to normal without the pill. We decided that the IUD was not right for me because of our plans to start trying for a second baby in a year or whatever. The IUD isn’t really a short term BC method.
So that leaves me out here… in the scary place of just condoms. We’re very good about it. The idea of two kids in infant daycare will scare anyone into perfect condom use!
W is getting older and the idea of another baby is floating around. I’m not at the point where I’m craving another baby yet. I’m still just amazed that I have W. I can’t even imagine loving someone else the way I love him. M has also said that he’s not ready to split his attention between two kids. So we’re still talking about it and deciding. I’m grateful that we have that option.
Monday, May 9, 2011
That Day in May.
I’d been having a kind of emotional day on Mother’s day. Anyone who has struggled knows the pain that this day can bring. I found myself in tears at several points. And I felt guilty. I never had a difficult Mother’s day. I was so lucky to be one of the few who doesn’t have to go through the day while suffering a loss or waiting for a baby. I was remembering Mother’s day 2009 and how that was the day we announced to the world that Baby November was on his way. How I had no idea what was coming. How baby November was already in heaven.
I cried for that girl and her family.
I cried tears of joy for that same girl who spent Mother’s Day 2010 walking around a community lake trying to get labor started.
I cried grateful tears for the little boy who was giving me drooly open mouth kisses.
I cried painful tears for some dear friends who would give anything for drooly open mouth kisses.
I wish I knew that there would be a day in the future where this all comes to an end. It seemed for a while that things were looking up. Lots of the girls I followed had babies. Lots of my the girls in my online support group had babies. But then I start reading new stories. And the girls in my group that are still waiting are having so much trouble. It’s not over.
Lots of love to all the moms out there who are missing babies.
I cried for that girl and her family.
I cried tears of joy for that same girl who spent Mother’s Day 2010 walking around a community lake trying to get labor started.
I cried grateful tears for the little boy who was giving me drooly open mouth kisses.
I cried painful tears for some dear friends who would give anything for drooly open mouth kisses.
I wish I knew that there would be a day in the future where this all comes to an end. It seemed for a while that things were looking up. Lots of the girls I followed had babies. Lots of my the girls in my online support group had babies. But then I start reading new stories. And the girls in my group that are still waiting are having so much trouble. It’s not over.
Lots of love to all the moms out there who are missing babies.
Monday, February 14, 2011
A valentine
Faces of Loss presented this monthly challenge:
February’s topic: Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. Write about something special a friend, family member, or other loved one did for you after your baby(ies) died that really touched your heart.
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Perfect. My baby’s name. His birthstone. Two tiny pomegranate memories at each end. Perfect.
February’s topic: Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. Write about something special a friend, family member, or other loved one did for you after your baby(ies) died that really touched your heart.
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This post is a long time coming. Sometimes my posts turn into love fests for my friends, but this one is going start out that way. It might get gushy.
I’ve posted about this friend before. She’s made comments. We’re friends in real life. Back in that summer of 2009, she let me know that she had found my blog. I knew that she was following other blogs in this community, so that wasn’t a surprise. It was hard to decide to start writing when I knew a real-life friend would probably discover what I wrote. I didn’t want to ever edit my feelings or be afraid to share something. So I sat for a while and decided that I knew she was compassionate enough not to judge me if I said something crazy. I knew she wouldn’t go around and tell everyone what a nutter I was for *still* being sad. And I was right.
This friend made me feel better on the day I sent the email to my friends telling them that my baby was dead. I remember typing that up and crying and hoping that no one would call me. I think I even put in there that I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.
I kept her reply. It was perfect.
“I am holding you in my mind. Holding you in a safe place where you are allowed to feel anything, say anything, and be the way you need to be right now.”
We all have the problem of real-life friends not quite understanding what’s happening in our brains. We have to listen to them say crappy stuff. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life and I didn’t have to deal with that much. But to have someone who could understand me in my daily life is truly unique. I’m blessed to have this friend around me.
Having W was a turning point in my life. I’ve said over and over how different emotions kind of knock me out every now and then. I wouldn’t change anything about my life because it got me here, and my losses got me to him. He is everything to me. How can I love him so much and be thankful for him while knowing that I only have him because my other two babies died? How can I honor their memories while also saying that I wouldn’t change anything because of him?
My friend gave me this bracelet when she met W. And it is perfect. I keep it in my pocket almost all of the time. I can’t wear it because of tiny grabby hands, but I reach in and squeeze it. It’s one of my most prized possessions.
I’ve posted about this friend before. She’s made comments. We’re friends in real life. Back in that summer of 2009, she let me know that she had found my blog. I knew that she was following other blogs in this community, so that wasn’t a surprise. It was hard to decide to start writing when I knew a real-life friend would probably discover what I wrote. I didn’t want to ever edit my feelings or be afraid to share something. So I sat for a while and decided that I knew she was compassionate enough not to judge me if I said something crazy. I knew she wouldn’t go around and tell everyone what a nutter I was for *still* being sad. And I was right.
This friend made me feel better on the day I sent the email to my friends telling them that my baby was dead. I remember typing that up and crying and hoping that no one would call me. I think I even put in there that I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.
I kept her reply. It was perfect.
“I am holding you in my mind. Holding you in a safe place where you are allowed to feel anything, say anything, and be the way you need to be right now.”
We all have the problem of real-life friends not quite understanding what’s happening in our brains. We have to listen to them say crappy stuff. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life and I didn’t have to deal with that much. But to have someone who could understand me in my daily life is truly unique. I’m blessed to have this friend around me.
Having W was a turning point in my life. I’ve said over and over how different emotions kind of knock me out every now and then. I wouldn’t change anything about my life because it got me here, and my losses got me to him. He is everything to me. How can I love him so much and be thankful for him while knowing that I only have him because my other two babies died? How can I honor their memories while also saying that I wouldn’t change anything because of him?
My friend gave me this bracelet when she met W. And it is perfect. I keep it in my pocket almost all of the time. I can’t wear it because of tiny grabby hands, but I reach in and squeeze it. It’s one of my most prized possessions.
Perfect. My baby’s name. His birthstone. Two tiny pomegranate memories at each end. Perfect.
Thank you for being my friend.
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Friday, January 14, 2011
Here and there... we were sick, now we're better.
So I’ve been so happy to tell everyone that I’m the luckiest mommy alive. My baby sleeps through the night! My baby doesn’t care if he has formula or breast milk. He’ll switch from breast to bottle without a blink. He gives me kisses. He likes to eat food. He stopped peeing when the diaper comes off.
My luck ran out over the holidays. I woke up sick on Christmas morning and it’s been one thing after another since then. I was on two antibiotics for eye and ear infections. WTF? It was so gross. And I was exhausted. Limbs feeling weak, nodding off at the desk exhausted.
W started running a fever on New Year’s eve and completely stopped sleeping through the night. I know lots of parents are laughing at me. Finally!!! Hahaha! See what we all deal with?? But I’m siiiiiiiick. Uuuuuuuuggggghhhh. Waking up every 45 minutes every night was killing me. M and I generally try to alternate picking up W when he cries. That wasn’t working. M just doesn’t have the mommy touch. W would fall back to sleep, but then he’d wake up 2 minutes later (usually while M is in the bathroom), so I have to go in there anyway. We tried a few nights of winging it. We’d look at each other at the first cries and hope he’d go back to sleep. That meant he just escalated to wails and screams by the time one of us was in there. So the rocking would be 10-20 minutes at a time. Then we would give up and bring him into bed with us. That wasn’t working. Then we tried the no cry sleep solution. We would go in the second we heard the whimpering and pick him up and generally we could put him back down in a few minutes. We also set a cut off time – if (when!) he cried after 3 am, he just came to bed with us. So we got at least a few hours of light sleep. That worked well the first night. Then he started getting stuffed up and just could not sleep unless he was kind of sitting up. So after lots of tears, we went to the guest bedroom with lots of pillows and we both tried to sleep there. M and I alternated days for this. M tried to take more than every other night and would tell me, “Tonight I will take care of W. I’m not tired.” Then he would roll over and push me out of bed at the first cries. I was not mad at him, it was kind of funny. He has no recollection of the pushing.
At one point, I took W to the doctor to rule out any ear infections for him, but he was perfectly fine. I love my pediatrician even more because he took me seriously when I said that my reason for coming in was that W was just not himself.
So that was my life for 2 weeks. Bad sleep, stuffy baby, sick mommy, yuckiness. We started putting some cereal in his bottle at night and we set up a vaporizer and we are squirting saline in his nose (by the way – bad mommy moment – the face he makes when I spray it is hysterical). Something in this combination is working. We’ve had 2 nights of bliss. He’s been waking up, but he wiggles his way up so his head is pressed up against the crib and his butt is in the air and he goes back to sleep. He’s a little piece of heaven. We’re happy again!
I was getting pretty upset during that no sleep time. I would just sit there and rock him and he’d be crying and trying to sit up when all I want him to do is sleep. I was almost in tears from frustration, but then I would stop. I thought to myself about all the times I cried because I didn’t think I would have nights like that. It was strange, and calming, to sit in the middle of the night with a screaming baby and think about how thankful I am. Because that’s what matters the most. Not sleep, I’d trade sleep for him any time.
So back to the cereal in the bottle thing – W is breastfeeding less and less. He used to go to bed around 8 or 8:30 and I’d do a little dreamfeed around 10 when I went to bed. This got all confused when I was sick. I was going to bed right after W went down and when he woke up around 12 or whatever I would try to feed him. Sometimes he didn’t want anything. Sometimes that seemed to make things worse. So I started giving him a bottle right at bed time with a small amount of cereal. That is keeping him asleep and he isn’t even really demanding food right when he wakes up at 6:30. So the night nursing is gone. I’m left with just once per day, first thing in the morning. I’m going to keep it up until next week. He’ll be 8 months on the 19th… I’ll give him a birthday bottle that morning.
How do I feel about this? Not like I thought I would. I’m sad. But not upset sad, we’re weaning on my terms and I’m completely comfortable with it. I want to stop. I want to take strong cold medicines and drink lots of wine. But I’m going to miss it. I’m going to miss the little face he makes when I put him on the boppy (um, he might think Milk comes out of the boppy) and the rooting. I’ll miss his little hands scratching me. I’ll miss the face he makes when I start talking while he’s eating. He pulls off and pushes himself off and gives me a LOOK. Like, lady, I’m trying to eat here. Can you please have your conversations at another time? Really?
The formula feeding stuff is awesome and convenient and easy. Washing the bottles kind of blows, but I had to do that anyway with daycare and pumping. It’s actually less now! W can hold his own bottle so we can feed him while we have dinner or do chores. That means more time for playing. He’s eating all kinds of pureed food. We’re going to start meats soon. He is –just- getting the hang of putting a puff in his mouth to eat it. I’m hoping he’ll start eating little pieces of banana soon. I want to feed him more finger food, but the lack of teeth is making me sad. I’ll be pureeing PBJ sandwiches when he goes to kindergarten.
My luck ran out over the holidays. I woke up sick on Christmas morning and it’s been one thing after another since then. I was on two antibiotics for eye and ear infections. WTF? It was so gross. And I was exhausted. Limbs feeling weak, nodding off at the desk exhausted.
W started running a fever on New Year’s eve and completely stopped sleeping through the night. I know lots of parents are laughing at me. Finally!!! Hahaha! See what we all deal with?? But I’m siiiiiiiick. Uuuuuuuuggggghhhh. Waking up every 45 minutes every night was killing me. M and I generally try to alternate picking up W when he cries. That wasn’t working. M just doesn’t have the mommy touch. W would fall back to sleep, but then he’d wake up 2 minutes later (usually while M is in the bathroom), so I have to go in there anyway. We tried a few nights of winging it. We’d look at each other at the first cries and hope he’d go back to sleep. That meant he just escalated to wails and screams by the time one of us was in there. So the rocking would be 10-20 minutes at a time. Then we would give up and bring him into bed with us. That wasn’t working. Then we tried the no cry sleep solution. We would go in the second we heard the whimpering and pick him up and generally we could put him back down in a few minutes. We also set a cut off time – if (when!) he cried after 3 am, he just came to bed with us. So we got at least a few hours of light sleep. That worked well the first night. Then he started getting stuffed up and just could not sleep unless he was kind of sitting up. So after lots of tears, we went to the guest bedroom with lots of pillows and we both tried to sleep there. M and I alternated days for this. M tried to take more than every other night and would tell me, “Tonight I will take care of W. I’m not tired.” Then he would roll over and push me out of bed at the first cries. I was not mad at him, it was kind of funny. He has no recollection of the pushing.
At one point, I took W to the doctor to rule out any ear infections for him, but he was perfectly fine. I love my pediatrician even more because he took me seriously when I said that my reason for coming in was that W was just not himself.
So that was my life for 2 weeks. Bad sleep, stuffy baby, sick mommy, yuckiness. We started putting some cereal in his bottle at night and we set up a vaporizer and we are squirting saline in his nose (by the way – bad mommy moment – the face he makes when I spray it is hysterical). Something in this combination is working. We’ve had 2 nights of bliss. He’s been waking up, but he wiggles his way up so his head is pressed up against the crib and his butt is in the air and he goes back to sleep. He’s a little piece of heaven. We’re happy again!
I was getting pretty upset during that no sleep time. I would just sit there and rock him and he’d be crying and trying to sit up when all I want him to do is sleep. I was almost in tears from frustration, but then I would stop. I thought to myself about all the times I cried because I didn’t think I would have nights like that. It was strange, and calming, to sit in the middle of the night with a screaming baby and think about how thankful I am. Because that’s what matters the most. Not sleep, I’d trade sleep for him any time.
So back to the cereal in the bottle thing – W is breastfeeding less and less. He used to go to bed around 8 or 8:30 and I’d do a little dreamfeed around 10 when I went to bed. This got all confused when I was sick. I was going to bed right after W went down and when he woke up around 12 or whatever I would try to feed him. Sometimes he didn’t want anything. Sometimes that seemed to make things worse. So I started giving him a bottle right at bed time with a small amount of cereal. That is keeping him asleep and he isn’t even really demanding food right when he wakes up at 6:30. So the night nursing is gone. I’m left with just once per day, first thing in the morning. I’m going to keep it up until next week. He’ll be 8 months on the 19th… I’ll give him a birthday bottle that morning.
How do I feel about this? Not like I thought I would. I’m sad. But not upset sad, we’re weaning on my terms and I’m completely comfortable with it. I want to stop. I want to take strong cold medicines and drink lots of wine. But I’m going to miss it. I’m going to miss the little face he makes when I put him on the boppy (um, he might think Milk comes out of the boppy) and the rooting. I’ll miss his little hands scratching me. I’ll miss the face he makes when I start talking while he’s eating. He pulls off and pushes himself off and gives me a LOOK. Like, lady, I’m trying to eat here. Can you please have your conversations at another time? Really?
The formula feeding stuff is awesome and convenient and easy. Washing the bottles kind of blows, but I had to do that anyway with daycare and pumping. It’s actually less now! W can hold his own bottle so we can feed him while we have dinner or do chores. That means more time for playing. He’s eating all kinds of pureed food. We’re going to start meats soon. He is –just- getting the hang of putting a puff in his mouth to eat it. I’m hoping he’ll start eating little pieces of banana soon. I want to feed him more finger food, but the lack of teeth is making me sad. I’ll be pureeing PBJ sandwiches when he goes to kindergarten.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Merry Christmas!!!
I haven’t had much to say lately – I don’t think anyone is interested in me just gushing about the little guy all the time. He’s army-crawling now. Yesterday I picked him up from daycare and he crawled to me. He started his heavy breathing (that means he’s happy) as soon as I walked in the door and then I knelt down and he came right to me. I was almost crying.
Breastfeeding is coming to a close. I slowed down pumping at work after W was 6 months in November and now I don’t pump at all. I’d been hoping to keep up nursing at night and in the morning, but I can tell my supply is dropping. Plus W is not interested in nursing so much anymore. He’d much rather look around and see who could be in the room. I’ve had to tell M to stop talking sometimes because W loves to look at him.
W’s been eating all sorts of food. Avocado, bananas, sweet potatoes, green beans, peas, pears, carrots. The poop colors have been amazing. I’ve been making his baby food. I never thought I’d be the type to do this, but it’s cheaper and so frickin easy. Even for a lazy bum like me.
I am over the moon excited about Christmas. We took W to see Santa and I thought my heart would explode. He was wonderful and gazed at Santa during the pictures. I loved watching the kids in line – they were talking about what they’d say to Santa and they got to put their letters in a mailbox that had gusts of “snow” blow out when they opened it. It was magical. I can’t wait for W to start understanding the season.
AKD at Little Footprints had a wonderful giveaway and I won (I’m pretty awesome). I feel like I know her in real life, so this is extra special. Her prize was to donate to the March of Dimes in honor of an angel. I’m so proud that my little boy will have this done in his name. Thank you, AKD, for being so generous. You light up my days when you post and your daughter is a beauty!
Breastfeeding is coming to a close. I slowed down pumping at work after W was 6 months in November and now I don’t pump at all. I’d been hoping to keep up nursing at night and in the morning, but I can tell my supply is dropping. Plus W is not interested in nursing so much anymore. He’d much rather look around and see who could be in the room. I’ve had to tell M to stop talking sometimes because W loves to look at him.
W’s been eating all sorts of food. Avocado, bananas, sweet potatoes, green beans, peas, pears, carrots. The poop colors have been amazing. I’ve been making his baby food. I never thought I’d be the type to do this, but it’s cheaper and so frickin easy. Even for a lazy bum like me.
I am over the moon excited about Christmas. We took W to see Santa and I thought my heart would explode. He was wonderful and gazed at Santa during the pictures. I loved watching the kids in line – they were talking about what they’d say to Santa and they got to put their letters in a mailbox that had gusts of “snow” blow out when they opened it. It was magical. I can’t wait for W to start understanding the season.
AKD at Little Footprints had a wonderful giveaway and I won (I’m pretty awesome). I feel like I know her in real life, so this is extra special. Her prize was to donate to the March of Dimes in honor of an angel. I’m so proud that my little boy will have this done in his name. Thank you, AKD, for being so generous. You light up my days when you post and your daughter is a beauty!
Friday, November 12, 2010
Due Date - Year 2
So right about now I should be celebrating a first birthday. I should have a funny little boy just starting to run around and I should be exhausted. But I don’t. Don’t feel bad for me, though. I miss that little boy so much and I still cry for him. But this year is so much better than last year. I kind of feel guilty talking about sadness now. I say that a lot here. I’m sad. I’m happy. I want both babies. It’s so conflicting, so I’ll just leave it there. I’ll be thinking about my little Baby November tomorrow, just like I always do.
I just went and read my post from last year. I kind of feel exactly the same. So sad, but so happy.
***********
Thank you for all the supportive comments about W’s surgery. He’s doing so much better. He’s healing. He might be teething. I went to a MOPS meeting last night and M texted me “W is officially teething.” I rushed home hoping to see something. Nope. Apparently W was just “acting like Satan.” M said his gums felt warm. I stuck my finger in his mouth this morning and couldn’t feel anything. I wish I could take a look, but W won’t open his mouth ever.
**********
It seems like miscarriages are everywhere right now. Maybe I’m just more sensitive to it. Celebrities are talking about them. A friend just lost her baby at 15 weeks. I’m devastated for her and her family. It takes me right back to that terrible summer and I want to scream thinking that people are just beginning that journey that seems to get worse every day.
There’s that word. Devastating. Every time you see a miscarriage in the news, it is proceeded by devastating. So-and-so suffered a devastating miscarriage prior to this pregnancy. I thought at first that this was kind of redundant. All miscarriages are devastating. To put that word there makes the miscarriage alone sound like it might be ok. It’s not. But then, maybe it is right to have it. To hammer in to the everyone else how bad it really is. Maybe the word miscarriage should be changed to devastatingmiscarriage. Yes, I think that sounds about right. Instead of saying, “I had a miscarriage last year,” I will say, “ I had a devastatingmiscarriage last year.”
I just went and read my post from last year. I kind of feel exactly the same. So sad, but so happy.
***********
Thank you for all the supportive comments about W’s surgery. He’s doing so much better. He’s healing. He might be teething. I went to a MOPS meeting last night and M texted me “W is officially teething.” I rushed home hoping to see something. Nope. Apparently W was just “acting like Satan.” M said his gums felt warm. I stuck my finger in his mouth this morning and couldn’t feel anything. I wish I could take a look, but W won’t open his mouth ever.
**********
It seems like miscarriages are everywhere right now. Maybe I’m just more sensitive to it. Celebrities are talking about them. A friend just lost her baby at 15 weeks. I’m devastated for her and her family. It takes me right back to that terrible summer and I want to scream thinking that people are just beginning that journey that seems to get worse every day.
There’s that word. Devastating. Every time you see a miscarriage in the news, it is proceeded by devastating. So-and-so suffered a devastating miscarriage prior to this pregnancy. I thought at first that this was kind of redundant. All miscarriages are devastating. To put that word there makes the miscarriage alone sound like it might be ok. It’s not. But then, maybe it is right to have it. To hammer in to the everyone else how bad it really is. Maybe the word miscarriage should be changed to devastatingmiscarriage. Yes, I think that sounds about right. Instead of saying, “I had a miscarriage last year,” I will say, “ I had a devastatingmiscarriage last year.”
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Little boy surgery
I’m back at work after two days off to help W recuperate from his circumcision. My poor little boy. I had some moments of self doubt. Were we doing the right thing? Would he hate us for the pain? Would something terrible happen to him during this mostly cosmetic surgery?
To review – We had decided to circumcise before going in for delivery. The OB told us she wouldn’t do it because of the twisted parts. The pediatrician told us about the problem and that it wouldn’t be a big deal and recommended a urologist for the surgery once W got older. I went in to see him at about 4 weeks old. The line on the back of W’s penis was not straight. It went up slightly crooked (let’s say it’s at 6 o’clock) and then veered off to about 4 o’clock when it got to the head. From the bottom of the head to the top it went from 4 o’clock back to 9 o’clock. That part was the problem. Everything else was fine. He could function normally. The urologist told me that he would do the circumcision once W was 6 months old. We scheduled it for Nov 8th because W is a pretty big kid and we wanted him to be healed before the holidays.
We arrived at the hospital at 6:30 am. W was in a great mood. He smiled at the nurses and played with his sample breathing mask. The anesthesiologist gave him a sample one to play with so he wouldn’t be afraid when she gave him the real one. I thought that was a great idea. We were so worried that he’d cry because of the hunger, but he was just fine. After a little bit of prep, I carried him into the OR. The mask came out and he breathed in it for about a minute until he kind of went limp. He wasn’t asleep, but he was. Then I was sent out to the waiting room with M. I cried. The nurse said it would be about an hour.
90 minutes later, the doctor came into the waiting room and pulled up a chair. He got a piece of paper out and drew us a picture of a penis. Now, this was a stressful time and I still had to keep myself from giggling. So the picture showed everything he did and he wrote out care instructions in crazy neat handwriting. The picture showed stitches all around the head and stitches going up a little and down a little where he kind of re-aligned the line. It’s still not perfectly straight, which is fine with us. We weren’t looking for perfect. We just wanted mostly normal.
About 10 minutes after that, we were called back into the recovery room. W was already awake and was crying loudly. I ran to his room and was able to nurse him right away. That calmed him down! He had an IV in his neck (he’s too pudgy for them to be able to get a regular IV in there. They tried.) We went home with a prescription for Tylenol with codeine and a recommendation to buy lots of KY jelly.
The care is to wipe him as normal then cover the entire penis with KY jelly at every diaper change. He gets sponge baths until Thursday and then soaking for a week after that. He can’t be in the exersaucer or baby bjorn or bumpo or anything this kind of uses the crotch to support him.
His penis looks awful. It is swollen and purple with tons of tiny stitches. He has no idea. He is playing and laughing and being wonderful, just like normal. He seems to dread being on the changing table and gives a little cry when we wipe him down. He’s on standard Tylenol and we never used the strong stuff.
I got through my first surgery on my baby. The whole time I felt like running into the OR and taking him home and not circumcising him. But now I’m glad we did it and he won’t have to worry about this in the future. He’s back at daycare today and doing great. I’m glad that it’s over.
To review – We had decided to circumcise before going in for delivery. The OB told us she wouldn’t do it because of the twisted parts. The pediatrician told us about the problem and that it wouldn’t be a big deal and recommended a urologist for the surgery once W got older. I went in to see him at about 4 weeks old. The line on the back of W’s penis was not straight. It went up slightly crooked (let’s say it’s at 6 o’clock) and then veered off to about 4 o’clock when it got to the head. From the bottom of the head to the top it went from 4 o’clock back to 9 o’clock. That part was the problem. Everything else was fine. He could function normally. The urologist told me that he would do the circumcision once W was 6 months old. We scheduled it for Nov 8th because W is a pretty big kid and we wanted him to be healed before the holidays.
We arrived at the hospital at 6:30 am. W was in a great mood. He smiled at the nurses and played with his sample breathing mask. The anesthesiologist gave him a sample one to play with so he wouldn’t be afraid when she gave him the real one. I thought that was a great idea. We were so worried that he’d cry because of the hunger, but he was just fine. After a little bit of prep, I carried him into the OR. The mask came out and he breathed in it for about a minute until he kind of went limp. He wasn’t asleep, but he was. Then I was sent out to the waiting room with M. I cried. The nurse said it would be about an hour.
90 minutes later, the doctor came into the waiting room and pulled up a chair. He got a piece of paper out and drew us a picture of a penis. Now, this was a stressful time and I still had to keep myself from giggling. So the picture showed everything he did and he wrote out care instructions in crazy neat handwriting. The picture showed stitches all around the head and stitches going up a little and down a little where he kind of re-aligned the line. It’s still not perfectly straight, which is fine with us. We weren’t looking for perfect. We just wanted mostly normal.
About 10 minutes after that, we were called back into the recovery room. W was already awake and was crying loudly. I ran to his room and was able to nurse him right away. That calmed him down! He had an IV in his neck (he’s too pudgy for them to be able to get a regular IV in there. They tried.) We went home with a prescription for Tylenol with codeine and a recommendation to buy lots of KY jelly.
The care is to wipe him as normal then cover the entire penis with KY jelly at every diaper change. He gets sponge baths until Thursday and then soaking for a week after that. He can’t be in the exersaucer or baby bjorn or bumpo or anything this kind of uses the crotch to support him.
His penis looks awful. It is swollen and purple with tons of tiny stitches. He has no idea. He is playing and laughing and being wonderful, just like normal. He seems to dread being on the changing table and gives a little cry when we wipe him down. He’s on standard Tylenol and we never used the strong stuff.
I got through my first surgery on my baby. The whole time I felt like running into the OR and taking him home and not circumcising him. But now I’m glad we did it and he won’t have to worry about this in the future. He’s back at daycare today and doing great. I’m glad that it’s over.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Bad dream
I had a bad dream last night. Not that anyone likes reading about other people’s dreams, but it involved me being pregnant again and miscarrying at around 14 weeks again. I tested, talked to daycare about having a second kid there and even had ultrasounds. I think I still have some deep fears about bad ultrasounds. The one I saw in my dream with the dead baby just played over and over again with some disturbing images that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get out of my head.
It was the kid of dream that you wake up from and have to think for a while before you realize that, for once, it was all a bad dream.
It was the kid of dream that you wake up from and have to think for a while before you realize that, for once, it was all a bad dream.
Friday, October 15, 2010
October 15th
Just like last year, October 15th is hitting me harder than I expected. But now I’m not just crying for me. I’m sad for all the moms (dads, too) who are still in the dark days of grieving. The parents who are still have fresh pain.
I’ve been reading almost every story on Faces of Loss/Faces of Hope. I can’t read all of them – it’s so much sadness packed into one place. Sometimes I have to skim to keep from crying at work. But I acknowledge each woman, each loss, each heartbreak. That’s why we post those stories. When I first was dealing with the pain of losing my baby, I spent so much time reading other people’s stories. It really did help to know that other people were out there and they had been through the same thing. They knew what I was feeling and some of them had gone on to have babies. It gave me hope. I put my story on the page and I have had a few girls reach out to me. I’ve reached out to some that have stories similar to mine. I love the idea of everyone posting in one place. I hate the idea that they have over 450 posts in less than 4 months.
I posted about today on facebook just in case someone I know is feeling like they are alone. I’m writing here on my blog and I’ll spend lots of time today with my Babycenter friends, remembering how we felt last year and how far we’ve come. And how so many of us are still struggling.
Lots of love and hugs today. So many posts will be reflecting on babies we barely got to meet. I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be a tearful day.
I’ve been reading almost every story on Faces of Loss/Faces of Hope. I can’t read all of them – it’s so much sadness packed into one place. Sometimes I have to skim to keep from crying at work. But I acknowledge each woman, each loss, each heartbreak. That’s why we post those stories. When I first was dealing with the pain of losing my baby, I spent so much time reading other people’s stories. It really did help to know that other people were out there and they had been through the same thing. They knew what I was feeling and some of them had gone on to have babies. It gave me hope. I put my story on the page and I have had a few girls reach out to me. I’ve reached out to some that have stories similar to mine. I love the idea of everyone posting in one place. I hate the idea that they have over 450 posts in less than 4 months.
I posted about today on facebook just in case someone I know is feeling like they are alone. I’m writing here on my blog and I’ll spend lots of time today with my Babycenter friends, remembering how we felt last year and how far we’ve come. And how so many of us are still struggling.
Lots of love and hugs today. So many posts will be reflecting on babies we barely got to meet. I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be a tearful day.
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