A new resource

The biggest help for me right after I lost my baby was reading the stories of others who understood how hard it was. Knowing that I wasn't alone and reading about the pain gave me more support than I could ever express here.

The blogs gave me friendship and hope. I don't update much anymore, but I leave my story out here so others might get the same support from me.

A new directory is up with baby loss blogs. I loved the Faces of Loss page, but that seems to have slowed down. The blogs were always a better way to get to know people and get the long story (and hopefully the happy ending).

The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory.

The smart kid

A couple of day ago, I rolled up to daycare all excited to pick up the W man. I walked in an giggled a little at the sight of a half naked baby and lots of kids standing around, looking at a half naked girl. Then I noticed that one kid was missing from the gawkers. Mine. W was confined to a crib. He was looking and stretching his neck and wanting to be with the others.

"W is in the crib because J puked on the floor and W tried to eat it."

I love that kid.

My Bittersweet Day

And so we begin my annual introspection of how this year is different from last year and the year before that.

Two years ago today, I had just found out that we were not going to have a baby in November. I listened to my own heartbeat go out of control while we tried to find a tiny baby heartbeat. I saw a lifeless, perfectly formed baby on an ultrasound machine. My clearest memory is of his tiny ribcage.

One year ago today, I was strapped all over with monitors, but we found that perfect heartbeat and it stayed steady. I couldn’t stop smiling. Even when the pain was crazy and I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, it was still a great day.

Two years ago tomorrow, I was put to sleep and woke up alone and cried. It was the worst day of my life.

One year ago tomorrow, I was given some extra drugs to block out the pain as the c-section started. I woke up surrounded by people and cried. It was the best day of my life.

I’m sorry I sound so crazy, but it’s such a crazy time for me. I’m so excited about celebrating W’s birthday tomorrow (and this weekend!). But I still just need to sit and think about who isn’t here. And because that little boy isn’t here, I have W. I have weird, conflicting emotions about this. I’m getting better at dealing with it all.

After MTHFR

The deal with MTHFR (for me at least) was “Hooray! We have a REASON!” It was a neat little package with a pill to fix everything. It was a best-case scenario in a morbid kind of way.

To recap: My MTHFR is the easiest to deal with. It is a blood clotting disorder that isn’t really a big deal when you are not pregnant. It is a big deal in the placenta. I was able to control it with one baby aspirin and some extra folic acid each day.

Now I’m dealing with the other side of discovering this problem. Every single birth control ad you see has a disclaimer about not taking the pill if you have a blood clotting disorder. Part of me wants to say that I took birth control for 10 years and never had a problem… but most of me is pretty risk-adverse. And the doctors are the same way.

My options are now limited to an IUD or the mini-pill (the same one given to breastfeeding mothers). I was on the mini-pill off and on while breastfeeding. It didn’t work out well for me – I had a 28 day period (like light bleeding for 4 weeks) and then started getting a 7 day period every 14 days. I was taking it at the right time and being careful and all that. M and I decided that the point of BC is to be able to have sex whenever you want… the mini-pill was kind of missing the point on that one.

I had a long talk with my doctor about the IUD. I had a few options. She was mildly concerned about the crazy cycles, so I’d either have to have a ton of tests to make sure that the pill was the problem or wait several months to see if I would go back to normal without the pill. We decided that the IUD was not right for me because of our plans to start trying for a second baby in a year or whatever. The IUD isn’t really a short term BC method.

So that leaves me out here… in the scary place of just condoms. We’re very good about it. The idea of two kids in infant daycare will scare anyone into perfect condom use!

W is getting older and the idea of another baby is floating around. I’m not at the point where I’m craving another baby yet. I’m still just amazed that I have W. I can’t even imagine loving someone else the way I love him. M has also said that he’s not ready to split his attention between two kids. So we’re still talking about it and deciding. I’m grateful that we have that option.

That Day in May.

I’d been having a kind of emotional day on Mother’s day. Anyone who has struggled knows the pain that this day can bring. I found myself in tears at several points. And I felt guilty. I never had a difficult Mother’s day. I was so lucky to be one of the few who doesn’t have to go through the day while suffering a loss or waiting for a baby. I was remembering Mother’s day 2009 and how that was the day we announced to the world that Baby November was on his way. How I had no idea what was coming. How baby November was already in heaven.

I cried for that girl and her family.

I cried tears of joy for that same girl who spent Mother’s Day 2010 walking around a community lake trying to get labor started.

I cried grateful tears for the little boy who was giving me drooly open mouth kisses.

I cried painful tears for some dear friends who would give anything for drooly open mouth kisses.

I wish I knew that there would be a day in the future where this all comes to an end. It seemed for a while that things were looking up. Lots of the girls I followed had babies. Lots of my the girls in my online support group had babies. But then I start reading new stories. And the girls in my group that are still waiting are having so much trouble. It’s not over.

Lots of love to all the moms out there who are missing babies.

A valentine

Faces of Loss presented this monthly challenge:
February’s topic: Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. Write about something special a friend, family member, or other loved one did for you after your baby(ies) died that really touched your heart.

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This post is a long time coming. Sometimes my posts turn into love fests for my friends, but this one is going start out that way. It might get gushy.

I’ve posted about this friend before. She’s made comments. We’re friends in real life. Back in that summer of 2009, she let me know that she had found my blog. I knew that she was following other blogs in this community, so that wasn’t a surprise. It was hard to decide to start writing when I knew a real-life friend would probably discover what I wrote. I didn’t want to ever edit my feelings or be afraid to share something. So I sat for a while and decided that I knew she was compassionate enough not to judge me if I said something crazy. I knew she wouldn’t go around and tell everyone what a nutter I was for *still* being sad. And I was right.

This friend made me feel better on the day I sent the email to my friends telling them that my baby was dead. I remember typing that up and crying and hoping that no one would call me. I think I even put in there that I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.

I kept her reply. It was perfect.

“I am holding you in my mind. Holding you in a safe place where you are allowed to feel anything, say anything, and be the way you need to be right now.”

We all have the problem of real-life friends not quite understanding what’s happening in our brains. We have to listen to them say crappy stuff. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life and I didn’t have to deal with that much. But to have someone who could understand me in my daily life is truly unique. I’m blessed to have this friend around me.

Having W was a turning point in my life. I’ve said over and over how different emotions kind of knock me out every now and then. I wouldn’t change anything about my life because it got me here, and my losses got me to him. He is everything to me. How can I love him so much and be thankful for him while knowing that I only have him because my other two babies died? How can I honor their memories while also saying that I wouldn’t change anything because of him?

My friend gave me this bracelet when she met W. And it is perfect. I keep it in my pocket almost all of the time. I can’t wear it because of tiny grabby hands, but I reach in and squeeze it. It’s one of my most prized possessions.

Perfect. My baby’s name. His birthstone. Two tiny pomegranate memories at each end. Perfect.

Thank you for being my friend.

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My Faces of Loss Page

The day I found out my friend found my blog

The Common Thread

My friend's aunt's store

Here and there... we were sick, now we're better.

So I’ve been so happy to tell everyone that I’m the luckiest mommy alive. My baby sleeps through the night! My baby doesn’t care if he has formula or breast milk. He’ll switch from breast to bottle without a blink. He gives me kisses. He likes to eat food. He stopped peeing when the diaper comes off.

My luck ran out over the holidays. I woke up sick on Christmas morning and it’s been one thing after another since then. I was on two antibiotics for eye and ear infections. WTF? It was so gross. And I was exhausted. Limbs feeling weak, nodding off at the desk exhausted.

W started running a fever on New Year’s eve and completely stopped sleeping through the night. I know lots of parents are laughing at me. Finally!!! Hahaha! See what we all deal with?? But I’m siiiiiiiick. Uuuuuuuuggggghhhh. Waking up every 45 minutes every night was killing me. M and I generally try to alternate picking up W when he cries. That wasn’t working. M just doesn’t have the mommy touch. W would fall back to sleep, but then he’d wake up 2 minutes later (usually while M is in the bathroom), so I have to go in there anyway. We tried a few nights of winging it. We’d look at each other at the first cries and hope he’d go back to sleep. That meant he just escalated to wails and screams by the time one of us was in there. So the rocking would be 10-20 minutes at a time. Then we would give up and bring him into bed with us. That wasn’t working. Then we tried the no cry sleep solution. We would go in the second we heard the whimpering and pick him up and generally we could put him back down in a few minutes. We also set a cut off time – if (when!) he cried after 3 am, he just came to bed with us. So we got at least a few hours of light sleep. That worked well the first night. Then he started getting stuffed up and just could not sleep unless he was kind of sitting up. So after lots of tears, we went to the guest bedroom with lots of pillows and we both tried to sleep there. M and I alternated days for this. M tried to take more than every other night and would tell me, “Tonight I will take care of W. I’m not tired.” Then he would roll over and push me out of bed at the first cries. I was not mad at him, it was kind of funny. He has no recollection of the pushing.

At one point, I took W to the doctor to rule out any ear infections for him, but he was perfectly fine. I love my pediatrician even more because he took me seriously when I said that my reason for coming in was that W was just not himself.

So that was my life for 2 weeks. Bad sleep, stuffy baby, sick mommy, yuckiness. We started putting some cereal in his bottle at night and we set up a vaporizer and we are squirting saline in his nose (by the way – bad mommy moment – the face he makes when I spray it is hysterical). Something in this combination is working. We’ve had 2 nights of bliss. He’s been waking up, but he wiggles his way up so his head is pressed up against the crib and his butt is in the air and he goes back to sleep. He’s a little piece of heaven. We’re happy again!

I was getting pretty upset during that no sleep time. I would just sit there and rock him and he’d be crying and trying to sit up when all I want him to do is sleep. I was almost in tears from frustration, but then I would stop. I thought to myself about all the times I cried because I didn’t think I would have nights like that. It was strange, and calming, to sit in the middle of the night with a screaming baby and think about how thankful I am. Because that’s what matters the most. Not sleep, I’d trade sleep for him any time.

So back to the cereal in the bottle thing – W is breastfeeding less and less. He used to go to bed around 8 or 8:30 and I’d do a little dreamfeed around 10 when I went to bed. This got all confused when I was sick. I was going to bed right after W went down and when he woke up around 12 or whatever I would try to feed him. Sometimes he didn’t want anything. Sometimes that seemed to make things worse. So I started giving him a bottle right at bed time with a small amount of cereal. That is keeping him asleep and he isn’t even really demanding food right when he wakes up at 6:30. So the night nursing is gone. I’m left with just once per day, first thing in the morning. I’m going to keep it up until next week. He’ll be 8 months on the 19th… I’ll give him a birthday bottle that morning.

How do I feel about this? Not like I thought I would. I’m sad. But not upset sad, we’re weaning on my terms and I’m completely comfortable with it. I want to stop. I want to take strong cold medicines and drink lots of wine. But I’m going to miss it. I’m going to miss the little face he makes when I put him on the boppy (um, he might think Milk comes out of the boppy) and the rooting. I’ll miss his little hands scratching me. I’ll miss the face he makes when I start talking while he’s eating. He pulls off and pushes himself off and gives me a LOOK. Like, lady, I’m trying to eat here. Can you please have your conversations at another time? Really?

The formula feeding stuff is awesome and convenient and easy. Washing the bottles kind of blows, but I had to do that anyway with daycare and pumping. It’s actually less now! W can hold his own bottle so we can feed him while we have dinner or do chores. That means more time for playing. He’s eating all kinds of pureed food. We’re going to start meats soon. He is –just- getting the hang of putting a puff in his mouth to eat it. I’m hoping he’ll start eating little pieces of banana soon. I want to feed him more finger food, but the lack of teeth is making me sad. I’ll be pureeing PBJ sandwiches when he goes to kindergarten.

Merry Christmas!!!

I haven’t had much to say lately – I don’t think anyone is interested in me just gushing about the little guy all the time. He’s army-crawling now. Yesterday I picked him up from daycare and he crawled to me. He started his heavy breathing (that means he’s happy) as soon as I walked in the door and then I knelt down and he came right to me. I was almost crying.

Breastfeeding is coming to a close. I slowed down pumping at work after W was 6 months in November and now I don’t pump at all. I’d been hoping to keep up nursing at night and in the morning, but I can tell my supply is dropping. Plus W is not interested in nursing so much anymore. He’d much rather look around and see who could be in the room. I’ve had to tell M to stop talking sometimes because W loves to look at him.

W’s been eating all sorts of food. Avocado, bananas, sweet potatoes, green beans, peas, pears, carrots. The poop colors have been amazing. I’ve been making his baby food. I never thought I’d be the type to do this, but it’s cheaper and so frickin easy. Even for a lazy bum like me.

I am over the moon excited about Christmas. We took W to see Santa and I thought my heart would explode. He was wonderful and gazed at Santa during the pictures. I loved watching the kids in line – they were talking about what they’d say to Santa and they got to put their letters in a mailbox that had gusts of “snow” blow out when they opened it. It was magical. I can’t wait for W to start understanding the season.




AKD at Little Footprints had a wonderful giveaway and I won (I’m pretty awesome). I feel like I know her in real life, so this is extra special. Her prize was to donate to the March of Dimes in honor of an angel. I’m so proud that my little boy will have this done in his name. Thank you, AKD, for being so generous. You light up my days when you post and your daughter is a beauty!

Due Date - Year 2

So right about now I should be celebrating a first birthday. I should have a funny little boy just starting to run around and I should be exhausted. But I don’t. Don’t feel bad for me, though. I miss that little boy so much and I still cry for him. But this year is so much better than last year. I kind of feel guilty talking about sadness now. I say that a lot here. I’m sad. I’m happy. I want both babies. It’s so conflicting, so I’ll just leave it there. I’ll be thinking about my little Baby November tomorrow, just like I always do.

I just went and read my post from last year. I kind of feel exactly the same. So sad, but so happy.

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Thank you for all the supportive comments about W’s surgery. He’s doing so much better. He’s healing. He might be teething. I went to a MOPS meeting last night and M texted me “W is officially teething.” I rushed home hoping to see something. Nope. Apparently W was just “acting like Satan.” M said his gums felt warm. I stuck my finger in his mouth this morning and couldn’t feel anything. I wish I could take a look, but W won’t open his mouth ever.

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It seems like miscarriages are everywhere right now. Maybe I’m just more sensitive to it. Celebrities are talking about them. A friend just lost her baby at 15 weeks. I’m devastated for her and her family. It takes me right back to that terrible summer and I want to scream thinking that people are just beginning that journey that seems to get worse every day.

There’s that word. Devastating. Every time you see a miscarriage in the news, it is proceeded by devastating. So-and-so suffered a devastating miscarriage prior to this pregnancy. I thought at first that this was kind of redundant. All miscarriages are devastating. To put that word there makes the miscarriage alone sound like it might be ok. It’s not. But then, maybe it is right to have it. To hammer in to the everyone else how bad it really is. Maybe the word miscarriage should be changed to devastatingmiscarriage. Yes, I think that sounds about right. Instead of saying, “I had a miscarriage last year,” I will say, “ I had a devastatingmiscarriage last year.”

Little boy surgery

I’m back at work after two days off to help W recuperate from his circumcision. My poor little boy. I had some moments of self doubt. Were we doing the right thing? Would he hate us for the pain? Would something terrible happen to him during this mostly cosmetic surgery?

To review – We had decided to circumcise before going in for delivery. The OB told us she wouldn’t do it because of the twisted parts. The pediatrician told us about the problem and that it wouldn’t be a big deal and recommended a urologist for the surgery once W got older. I went in to see him at about 4 weeks old. The line on the back of W’s penis was not straight. It went up slightly crooked (let’s say it’s at 6 o’clock) and then veered off to about 4 o’clock when it got to the head. From the bottom of the head to the top it went from 4 o’clock back to 9 o’clock. That part was the problem. Everything else was fine. He could function normally. The urologist told me that he would do the circumcision once W was 6 months old. We scheduled it for Nov 8th because W is a pretty big kid and we wanted him to be healed before the holidays.

We arrived at the hospital at 6:30 am. W was in a great mood. He smiled at the nurses and played with his sample breathing mask. The anesthesiologist gave him a sample one to play with so he wouldn’t be afraid when she gave him the real one. I thought that was a great idea. We were so worried that he’d cry because of the hunger, but he was just fine. After a little bit of prep, I carried him into the OR. The mask came out and he breathed in it for about a minute until he kind of went limp. He wasn’t asleep, but he was. Then I was sent out to the waiting room with M. I cried. The nurse said it would be about an hour.

90 minutes later, the doctor came into the waiting room and pulled up a chair. He got a piece of paper out and drew us a picture of a penis. Now, this was a stressful time and I still had to keep myself from giggling. So the picture showed everything he did and he wrote out care instructions in crazy neat handwriting. The picture showed stitches all around the head and stitches going up a little and down a little where he kind of re-aligned the line. It’s still not perfectly straight, which is fine with us. We weren’t looking for perfect. We just wanted mostly normal.

About 10 minutes after that, we were called back into the recovery room. W was already awake and was crying loudly. I ran to his room and was able to nurse him right away. That calmed him down! He had an IV in his neck (he’s too pudgy for them to be able to get a regular IV in there. They tried.) We went home with a prescription for Tylenol with codeine and a recommendation to buy lots of KY jelly.

The care is to wipe him as normal then cover the entire penis with KY jelly at every diaper change. He gets sponge baths until Thursday and then soaking for a week after that. He can’t be in the exersaucer or baby bjorn or bumpo or anything this kind of uses the crotch to support him.

His penis looks awful. It is swollen and purple with tons of tiny stitches. He has no idea. He is playing and laughing and being wonderful, just like normal. He seems to dread being on the changing table and gives a little cry when we wipe him down. He’s on standard Tylenol and we never used the strong stuff.

I got through my first surgery on my baby. The whole time I felt like running into the OR and taking him home and not circumcising him. But now I’m glad we did it and he won’t have to worry about this in the future. He’s back at daycare today and doing great. I’m glad that it’s over.

Bad dream

I had a bad dream last night. Not that anyone likes reading about other people’s dreams, but it involved me being pregnant again and miscarrying at around 14 weeks again. I tested, talked to daycare about having a second kid there and even had ultrasounds. I think I still have some deep fears about bad ultrasounds. The one I saw in my dream with the dead baby just played over and over again with some disturbing images that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get out of my head.

It was the kid of dream that you wake up from and have to think for a while before you realize that, for once, it was all a bad dream.

October 15th

Just like last year, October 15th is hitting me harder than I expected. But now I’m not just crying for me. I’m sad for all the moms (dads, too) who are still in the dark days of grieving. The parents who are still have fresh pain.

I’ve been reading almost every story on Faces of Loss/Faces of Hope. I can’t read all of them – it’s so much sadness packed into one place. Sometimes I have to skim to keep from crying at work. But I acknowledge each woman, each loss, each heartbreak. That’s why we post those stories. When I first was dealing with the pain of losing my baby, I spent so much time reading other people’s stories. It really did help to know that other people were out there and they had been through the same thing. They knew what I was feeling and some of them had gone on to have babies. It gave me hope. I put my story on the page and I have had a few girls reach out to me. I’ve reached out to some that have stories similar to mine. I love the idea of everyone posting in one place. I hate the idea that they have over 450 posts in less than 4 months.

I posted about today on facebook just in case someone I know is feeling like they are alone. I’m writing here on my blog and I’ll spend lots of time today with my Babycenter friends, remembering how we felt last year and how far we’ve come. And how so many of us are still struggling.

Lots of love and hugs today. So many posts will be reflecting on babies we barely got to meet. I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be a tearful day.

Parenting Manifesto

Lots of my blog buddies are talking about their parenting styles. This made me sit down and try to define mine. I don’t think I subscribe to any one theory completely. If I need to define myself, I would say I’m a “What to Expect the first year” parent. I keep up on a few development books and apply what I like. I listen to podcasts and read blogs and discussion boards. I do research everything, thanks to a job in front of a computer. And I’m not bashing anything or anyone. If your kid is happy then you’re doing it right. No, wait… if your name is Farrah or Amber and you’re on TV, you are doing it wrong. (While we’re on the subject - Maci, girl, you are going to be a success story. And Caitlynn, I want to hug you. Your mom is mean. I have no idea how you came out so good. Keep at it. I’m sorry to tell you this, but Tyler is a pussy.) I mainly wrote this all out so I can look back when W was older and laugh at myself or pat myself on the back. Or even (hopefully) to remind myself of everything when we are doing this a second time.

W does not have a schedule. He has a routine, but mostly does whatever we think he wants to do. For the first month or two he fed on demand for as long as he wanted. I eventually started pulling him off after 20-25 minutes because I was so sore. He now eats every 3-3.5 hours for about 20 minutes at a time. We do go longer in the evening, sometimes he’ll be napping and we’ll realize that’s we went 4 hours or more without feeding him. Then he’ll start crying when I’m pulling my shirt up. Like we reminded him that he might be hungry. Other times he’ll try to nurse from M after just an hour or so. He’s been sleeping through the night since he was 2 months old. I do wake him up/dreamfeed around 10 pm. I’m not sure if he needs it, but if it ain’t broke…

Naps are just whenever he seems like it’s nap time. We shoot for 3 a day. He’ll get more if we drive somewhere. He doesn’t like to sleep with anything going on. He will drift off if we put him in the pack and play, but not in his crib. He doesn’t like to go to sleep if M is holding him. He can fight sleep with M for 30 minutes and then pass out the second he’s in my arms. It’s because I’m boring.

Daycare also doesn’t have a schedule. Once he moves to the walking room they do have structured naptimes and meals. I’ll keep to that on the weekends to make life easier for all of us.

I wear him if he’s really fussy. But I can’t do it a lot. Sometimes I think it’s better to let him fuss for 10 minutes while I do my chore and then cuddle. Most of my chores are laundry and washing bottles. I can’t do either of those with somebody pinching my neck and slobbering on me (not always the baby). I use a Baby Bjorn and a Babyhawk. The Babyhawk is cuter and was great when he was tiny. I use that around the house. The Baby Bjorn is better when we’re out because we can get him out in seconds and M likes it. We’re lucky to have both.

W goes with us almost everywhere. We take him out to dinner. We take him to the grocery store. He goes to parties. We started doing that as soon as I could leave the house. We’re trying to not be “those parents” and only take him places where kids are appropriate. Last weekend we went out to dinner and talked about going to a place we really like with awesome crab dip. Then we talked more about the slow service and the crowd, so we opted for our neighborhood pizza place instead. We take him to the “fancy” places on weeknights (but not that often… the cost of daycare means the pizza place is better for the budget).

W is in a daycare center. He still knows I’m his mommy and he isn’t sick all the time (actually, just a few colds… but flu season hasn’t hit yet). I'm kind of defensive about this because I live in a SAHM community. I got a lot of pity looks when I said he would be in daycare.

I use disposable diapers. I wish I used cloth and I have tons of excuses. The main one is daycare. I just switched to cloth nursing pads. I should have done it ages ago.

I don’t care if W sees TV. I don’t sit him down in front of it, but if he’s in the room with a huge TV, he’s going to see it. And he likes watching football. I try to keep him engaged with toys or read to him when we’re watching it. If I’m doing chores, I have him in the kitchen with me. This will evolve as he becomes mobile.

W isn’t circumcised, but for all the wrong reasons. He has a twisty thing going on and will have surgery in November to fix it. Even if weren’t planning on circumcising, we’d have it done to correct the twistyness. I’ve gotten advice from everyone about how to care for the little guy and most of it was wrong. I even started doubting myself. Once I consulted a Hopkins urologist about it, the comments stopped. I’m pretty neutral about the whole thing. I think that by the time W gets to school, both ways will be acceptable. M wanted it done, so that’s what we’re doing.

We don’t co-sleep, but I understand it and sometimes wish we did. I’m a light sleeper and I’ve been known to act out my dreams. I once pinched M so hard that he cried a little. I was trying to escape from something in a dream. M will startle in his sleep and roll onto anything. I don’t want to subject W to any of that. Plus I like to cuddle with M! We do have family time on weekend mornings. W eats around 6:30 and stays in bed after that. I’m just drifting in and out of sleep at that time and it is a great feeling to wake up and see that drooly face smiling at me.

We don’t cry it out. I say this with an asterisk because we’ve never needed to do it. W rarely cries, so if he is crying at night it’s because something is wrong. We’ve had screams in the middle of the night that went away with a few minutes of cuddles. I have trouble getting myself back to sleep and I’m 30. I can’t expect my 5 month old to do it. I don’t always rush to him – this is where the video monitor comes in handy. Usually he’ll wake up and look around and find his thumb and go back to sleep in a few minutes. Other times, he’ll wake up and find his thumb and stay awake. I can watch him and decide if he needs me. I like that. I’m a new breed of parent that hovers over the kid on the video screen. One night he was making loud sucking sounds and wouldn’t go back to sleep, so I was watching him and thinking about going in to rock him so that I could get some sleep. I noticed his sleeve was covering his thumb. I snuck into his room and released the thumb. All was well!

I guess this opens up another thing: I have a thumb sucker. And I'm proud of it. We sleep.

And of course we don’t have any type of discipline right now. He punches me in the face all the time and pulls my hair and pinches whatever he grabs, but you can’t yell at him for that. He just wants to get close and put my face in his mouth. And really, if I give in and let him pull me in for the slobber fest and lose some hair… it’s so worth it.

A Major Award

I won a prize! It’s awesome.

Cape Girl had a contest to guess Jackson’s weight. I won because I am super-awesome. It showed up and M was so excited. He kept looking at the box and talking about my major award and how it could be anything! We are a little obsessed with A Christmas Story...

Here is a picture:

I won some salt water taffy (yum!) some cranberry jelly, a cool cape cod towel (M spent a lot of time examining this), funny cookie cutters (M thought the fish was a tree) and -my favorite- a little oyster ornament.

I can’t wait to put the ornament on our Christmas tree. I always get ornaments when we go places so we can remember important parts of our lives. Now I have this little reminder that I have so many friends out there in the world. You are all a big part of my life. It might be weird to say, but I feel so close to a bunch of you! It's hard for me to get through a day without thinking of some of you. I talk about you to M and he knows about your lives. Little things happen to me and they remind me of one of you.

We gave W some cereal on Saturday. He didn’t care. I’ve read that babies aren’t ready for the solids if they push the food out with their tongue and don’t eat any of it. That’s about right. We’ll try again in a week. It was so cute to watch him try.

Here is the requested picture of a messy baby. Check out that huge thigh!!!

[adorable picture removed]

BFN - and happy about it!

I’m back to POAS all the time.

Not because I want another baby right now! My hands are full. But because I’m in this no-woman’s land of no AF and the birth control with all these warning about taking it at the EXACT same time every day and the failure rate on the package is higher than the regular pill. It’s freaking me out. Combine that with feeling kind of queasy a few mornings this week and you’ve got a full on panic attack!

So I ordered a ton of internet cheapies so I could test every 2 weeks until we start trying again. Last night I took the first one. It was a perfect, clear, unquestionable negative and I had a nice sigh of relief. Anyway, the packaging made me laugh a little. Here I am buying tests in hopes that I’ll get a ton of negatives and I get pamphlets on OPKs and even a temporary tattoo with *~Baby Dust~* all over it. I asked M if he wanted to wear it. Nope.

I’m now blaming my crummy feelings on something going around. I have a kid in daycare. It’s about time that I get a bug.

Hooray! So, having a 4 month old is still pretty awesome. He’s such a great kid. I get all kinds of compliments from the daycare ladies about how good he is. He likes hanging out and playing with books. He does not like The Little Engine That Could and cries when I read it. This makes me sad because it’s my favorite kid book. He does really like The Belly Button Book and that one is fun to read. Every day with him is amazing. M loves him so much – I love to watch them together. We’ve figured out that M is the fun one and I’m the comforting one. W will fall right to sleep in my arms, but struggle to stay awake with M and watch him make faces. I love that he can grab toys now and will take stuffed animals when I hand them to him. We’re going to give him some cereal this weekend just to see how he’ll react.

I’m so happy to read about how so many of you are so close to babies – and one brand new baby today. I can’t believe how far we’ve come!

100 Days!

Everyone loves a reason to celebrate! Last Friday a coworker asked me when W would turn 100 days old and I realized it would be on Saturday. Woo-hoo! We didn’t miss it!

We went to the beach this weekend, so we were with a lot of my family. My parents invited everyone over to happy hour to celebrate. Some people were meeting W for the first time. My sister in law and niece showed up unexpectedly, which was wonderful. I love spending time with them, especially time when we can just sit around and talk. They were the only ones excited about the 100 days thing anyway. I put W on his boppy and laid out a pen, a paintbrush, a coin, my professional seal and a calculator (these are not the exact things you are supposed to lay out… we improvised). Whichever one he chooses is supposed to be his future. He looked at everything and slapped his hand on the calculator. So we’ve got a numbers guy. Not surprising… he’s got two engineers for parents.

The beach was wonderful. We spent most of Saturday and Sunday out there. We dug a chair in the sand so W could look around and watch the kids playing in the water. He slept when we put him in his tent. He ate when I pulled out my boob. The beach is the only place that I’ve ever nursed in public. I don’t feel as self-conscious there. An advertising plane flew above us on Saturday that said “Babies are born to breastfeed!” and M got very excited and pointed at it. He said it was up there for me.

We stopped for crabs on the way home and I learned some valuable lessons. One - Don’t put the baby next to Dad if you’re eating something messy. He barely wiped the Old Bay from his fingers when he started to dig the pacifier out to ease W’s fussing. I’m sure W would love a little zing with his plastic… The second is that crabs taste a bajillion times better when someone else picks them. We ordered 6 crabs for an appetizer and crab cakes for our dinner. I’m a slow picker, so I ate 2 while M ate all three of his. Then we realized that we had a bonus crab (!!). M had a fourth while I fed W (from a bottle – I’m not ready to NIP at the crab deck!). We saved the bonus crab for dessert. I held W while M picked. He’d give me every other piece and it was heaven. Perfection. I love crabs!!

And everything with W is still going great. I’m getting more comfortable with the daycare thing and pumping is still ok. W is having a growth spurt now and I’m not adding much to my freezer stash and barely keeping up with him. He’s holding his head up and starting to play with his toys. Everything is so amazing with him.

Zippers

I’m wearing pants that button and zip today. I’m not saying I’m in my skinny jeans or anything, but I’m getting there. 5 more pounds and I’ll be at my pre-pregnancy weight. 10 more pounds and I’ll be at my happy weight. Since we joke about the last 5 pounds being the hardest, M has told me I should shoot for 5 pounds less than my happy weight – I’m hoping his idea works!

I walked almost every morning on maternity leave. I started slow, but worked up to over an hour every day. If it was too hot or raining, I went to the mall and chugged around and prided myself on not eating anything from the food court (torture!!). I gained weight from my 2 week incision check to my 6 week check. The nurse asked me if I was breastfeeding. When I said yes she was surprised, “Oh? You gained weight.” Hahaha. Fantastic. I’ve read that nursing moms store fat in case of a famine. I guess that means we’ll get through the next round of potato blight.
Now I can’t walk as much because I have chores to do at night (washing bottles) and I want to spend as much time as possible cuddling. M is a fitness guy. He runs, he lifts weights, he doesn’t add salt to anything and won’t eat hamburger helper (you know the type). He tried to get me to do his exercises, but it didn’t work out. I thought it was boring and I wasn’t good at the “flex your muscles and make a tough face” part. So now I’m doing a post natal rescue DVD. It’s not awful. W watches me. It takes 15 minutes. I don’t know if it’s doing anything… I’m on the second step. I’ll let you know if I ever get to the third one.

I’m hoping a bunch of this weight is in my boobs. I KNOW some of it is in my stomach. I’ve got a little pot belly that is preventing me from getting into lots of my pants. My boobs are preventing me from getting into shirts. I had trouble with button-up shirts anyway. Now I have to stay away from those even more. I put one on this morning and I looked like I was trying to be some comic-book office girl all busting out. Hot? Nope.

Not forgetting

I went to see Eclipse yesterday. Finally. I’m so lame! I wore my New Moon t-shirt. I was happy to be caught up. Whew. I was excited about the previews. Why? Because I was expecting to see the Harry Potter preview. They didn’t show it. Crap heads.

What I did see was a preview for Charlie St. Cloud. It’s not a movie I want to see. I cried during the preview. Not because of the story, but how I could see myself in that role. The basic story (no spoilers – this is just the preview): Zac Efron promises his little brother that they will practice baseball together every night until Zac leaves for college. Then the little brother dies in a car accident. Zac can still see him and they play baseball every evening. Then Zac meets a girl and he starts falling in love and thinks about his brother less and less. Then the girl starts interfering with the baseball playing. The little brother gets angry.

Can you see the parallels to our lives? When I lost my baby, I promised to never forget him. I promised to love him always and think about him all the time. But then W came along. W, who is right in front of me all of the time. Who smiles at me and sleeps in my arms. When I was pregnant, I found myself thinking about the lost baby a little less. Once W was out and with me, I could go a full day without thinking about the lost baby. When I do think about him, I add in some guilt with the sadness. It’s not that I love him less, but… but… what can I say here? I love that baby, but he’s not here. I love W with every cell in my body.

I think the movie is supposed to be about moving on from your losses. I love my dead grandparents, but I don’t think of them every day. I don’t love M’s living grandparents instead of the dead ones. I don’t love W instead of my lost baby. I love them both. Am I moving on from my loss? I hope I’m not forgetting. I don’t want to ever forget, but I do think I’ve learned to live with the loss. I guess that is moving on. I am living in the now instead of the what-might-have-been.

I’m hoping that the baby boy I lost isn’t looking down on me with jealousy or anger. I hope he’s happy to see that we have such a happy family now and he’s encouraging us to fully enjoy our life as it is. I have to believe that.

My first day back

This isn't really a commentary. More of a timeline.

3:40 am – Hear W sucking his fingers. Hope he falls back to sleep (and he does).
5:15 – Hear W sucking his fingers. Hope he wakes up soon (and he doesn’t).
5:40 – M wakes up and gets ready for work.
5:41 – Remember that today is back to work day. Try not to cry already.
6:10 – Get out of bed and have breakfast. Watch W roll around a little on monitor.
6:20 – Realize frozen milk bags did not thaw in fridge overnight. Panic.
6:21 – Put bags in cold water. They thaw in minutes. Unpanic.
6:30 – Get W’s lunch bag packed and kitchen cleaned up.
6:50 – W wakes up, change his diaper and wash his face. Cry a little on him.
6:59 – Feed W. Inspect his crevices to make sure he won’t be the dirty kid at daycare.
7:13 – W gives me the pouty lip, so I know he’s full. I cry a little because I won’t be nursing him until the evening.
7:15 – Pump and pack up that pumping bag. Pray I’m not forgetting anything.
7:30 – Shower and dressed.
7:45 – Get W dressed and ready. Try to get him to smile at me (unsuccessful) and cry.
7:50 – Pack up W and the car. W cries when I put him in the carseat, but giggles while I put on my shoes. I cry.
8:03 – Arrive at daycare. Keep calm.
8:05 – Take W out of carseat. Consider putting him back in and fleeing.
8:07 – Cry while trying to give ladies instructions. They already know all this stuff.
8:13 – Hug and kiss W. Cry.
8:14 – Give daycare more money than I will make this week.
8:20 – Get in car and cry. Call M. Cry.
8:30 – Arrive at work. Smile at coworkers. Don’t talk so I won’t cry.
8:31 – Set up pictures of W.
8:32 – Cry.
9:30 – Coworker asks what W is doing during the day. I cry.
10:00 – Call daycare. W is happy and finished his bottle.
10:10 – First pumping session. Success. No one walked in on me.
10:40 – Cry a little.
11:30 – Have to get a new tissue for a big cry.
12:49 pm – My chest hurts.
1:00 – Second pump and lunch. Pumping is making me sore.
2:20 – Count how many minutes left (190).
2:26 – Talk to M. Try not to cry. Fail.
2:31 – Stare at baby pictures.
2:52 – Call daycare. W liked the swing.
2:55 – Sit in desk chair and cry a little.
3:38 – Jealous of M who has already left work.
4:00 - Begin to wonder if W and M made it home ok.
4:03 - Last pumping session. I'm sore-er than before. Very happy I remembered to pack the Lansinoh!
4:28 - Call home and text M to see if they are home.
4:31 - M calls. They are home and happy. He gives me the rundown on W's pee and poop.
4:32 - Wish I was home.
5:21 - Daydream about going home.
5:27 - I think this day can be over. Pack up and leave. Hope I remember the milk in the fridge!

Two Months

Two months in and I'm still loving this. W makes it easy. He's a great baby. He sleeps through the night (usually 10 pm until 7-ish). He eats great. He doesn't cry that much (unless there's a problem). We are the luckiest parents in the world. This post is kind of all over the place. Just random thoughts I've had over the few days I've been typing this.

He started sucking his fingers reliably this week, so the pacifiers are getting used less and less. Everyone has their own ideas about this, and we decided to go with fingers. W likes them best and we're not happy about having a kid with a paci in his face all the time, so fingers are best for us. We know we'll have trouble down the road getting him to stop sucking his fingers, but both ways present a challenge and the pediatrician told us to go with whatever works. The pacifier is around for when he gets so worked up that he just can't get the fingers to work. Yesterday M's family kept picking it up and shoving it in W's face. I felt like a broken record "It looks like he doesn't want that now." "Hmmm... I think he's ok without the pacifier." "I try not to give that to him if he doesn't want it." and on and on.

Breastfeeding is still going great. It doesn't hurt anymore (took about 4 weeks to get to that point) and my supply is still awesome. I have a great stash in the freezer for him. But it was hard to stick with it. Those first few weeks were tough (and I had it good!). I really admire anyone who had trouble and could still do it. And I also admire those of you who had the good sense to stop trying if it wasn't working. I get so mad at the LCs who say that BFing is SOOOO convenient! Is it convenient to have to wear breast pads everywhere? Is it convenient to not want to shower because you don't want water to touch your nipples? Is it convenient to have to go hide in a bedroom every few hours to feed the baby? Is it convenient to have to go home early from a date because you feel like you're going to pop? Is it convenient to have to pump and store all this milk? Is it convenient to not know how much your baby is eating? Is it convenient to pump 3 times a day at work? I could go on forever... But it is wonderful to be able to provide for him this way. And it's wonderful to watch him look up at me while he's eating. And I like having all that cuddle time built in. No matter who's around, I get to claim him and snuggle for as long as I want because he needs me.

[note - just read Ms J's post about breastfeeding. I agree that you don't need breastfeeding to create a bond. M LOVES giving W a bottle because of the loving looks he gets while feeding the baby. I love rocking W to sleep because of the way he tries to stay awake just to look at me. That's the bonding. Showing your baby that he is safe with you and you will give him everything he needs.]

This is my last full week off. I visited the daycare to make sure everything is ready and I have everything W needs. I'mboth upset and a little excited. I'm ready to get back to my life and having a social outlet. I feel pretty detached from everyone (online and real life). I'll have all the me time I need at work, so when I get home I can focus on W. But man, I'm going to miss him! I'm going to want to go see him during the day, but won't it be harder to drag myself away from him TWICE in one day?

Before I had W, I used to worry if I'd be a good mom. I'm pretty self centered and I need a lot of quiet alone time. M is the only person I've ever been able to be around constantly. I worried that having a baby would make me cranky. But it hasn't. I want W around me all the time. Every morning feels like Christmas. I wake up to his little noises and I want to grab him out of the bassinet and hug him tight. When people visit, I get jealous of them for getting to hold W.

I'm not sure what's going to come out of this blog now. I'm not really into being a mommy blogger. I feel like anything I could say has already been said (much better) by so many other people. It might turn into a place for me to release my frustration about being away from W all day at work.

Fair warning: There will probably be a weepy sad lonely post from work coming in the next two weeks.

Here is a baby in a pool:

[adorable picture removed]