I always feel like I overreact and then I have a good appointment. If that's what it takes...
I can use my post from earlier today to help calm myself down next time. Fair warning - I'll probably do it again anyway!
This appointment was quick. We heard the heartbeat much quicker than last time. It still took a minute or two, but this doctor talked to me the whole time and kept me distracted. I liked that! I was too excited about hearing the heartbeat to remember what the number was... somewhere in the 150s. I'll ask M when he gets home. He's good with details.
I have my anatomy scan scheduled for 8 am on Dec 15th. I was going to ask to have it on my birthday (the 18th! 30! Holy crap!) but the scary bug whispered in my ear and told me not to ask for too much. So now I'm over the moon excited! We're not going to find out the gender but I'll do any kind of old-wives tale you can throw at me. I'll list them all sometime later.
I had some blood drawn for the quad screen so I can either totally calm down about the spina bifida or I can totally freak out. I'll wait to get results before I decide. The MTHFR does something to reduce how much folic acid I can absorb and I didn't take any until I was almost 5 weeks pregnant. I did drink some OJ every morning, but that's not enough to calm me down. Ah, there's always something...
M's cousin who had Cystic Fibrosis passed away on Friday. We weren't close to her and I'd only met her one time. She had just completed the process to get on the list for a lung transplant and the family was starting to get some hope. She had a bad day on Wednesday and went into the hospital for a minor surgery. After the surgery, she woke up and they told her she'd have to be on a ventilator to survive. She declined and died shortly after that. She had a hard life and we're happy she was able to make this decision, but it had to be a hard one. It really made me thankful to know our little one won't have to suffer like she did.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Waiting, take 5
Here I am again… writing the same post I’ve written before. I have my appointment at 2 pm today and I’m freaking out. I feel like I’m going to vomit, but I think that’s because my nervous system is out of control.
I had tons of “flutters” on Friday and Saturday, but nothing really yesterday or today. This must mean something is wrong.
I talked up the pregnancy a lot over the weekend. This must mean I jinxed it.
My Mother-in-law’s entire Thanksgiving prayer was about how thankful she is for this little one on the way. I’m sure I’m going to let her down.
I’m supposed to visit a daycare center after the doctor appointment. I’m thinking of just cancelling it now.
Writing all this out makes me feel like a drama queen. I’m doing it so I can either (a) come back and feel reassured (if everything is actually ok) when I feel like this again or (b) just feel like I can say “I told you so.”
I’m not sleeping at all. I was awake most of last night in freak-out mode. I’m sure that IF this baby is fine, it will have a neural tube defect. They’ll (hopefully) test for that today when I get blood drawn for the quad screen.
I had tons of “flutters” on Friday and Saturday, but nothing really yesterday or today. This must mean something is wrong.
I talked up the pregnancy a lot over the weekend. This must mean I jinxed it.
My Mother-in-law’s entire Thanksgiving prayer was about how thankful she is for this little one on the way. I’m sure I’m going to let her down.
I’m supposed to visit a daycare center after the doctor appointment. I’m thinking of just cancelling it now.
Writing all this out makes me feel like a drama queen. I’m doing it so I can either (a) come back and feel reassured (if everything is actually ok) when I feel like this again or (b) just feel like I can say “I told you so.”
I’m not sleeping at all. I was awake most of last night in freak-out mode. I’m sure that IF this baby is fine, it will have a neural tube defect. They’ll (hopefully) test for that today when I get blood drawn for the quad screen.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
16 Weeks
This week doesn’t seem very momentous or anything. I’m doing well. I’m still feeling the flutters and I’m still nervous as hell.
Good Things: The fabled “honeymoon of pregnancy” has begun. I’m staying awake to my normal 10 pm bedtime. I actually do things in the evening. My boobs feel fine. I’m showing just enough to make me smile. I’ve got these little flutters. M has started rubbing my belly and saying “Hi Baby!” and melting my heart.
Bad Things: Yeah, all that stuff ending scares me. My face is still gross and I have zits everywhere. I went for a walk on Friday and blew out my shoes (you know how that is – I popped the air in my Nike Airs).
Normal Life: I can’t wait for this work day to be over and Thanksgiving will begin! I was dreading this holiday before I got pregnant again. Now I think I can do this. We’ll just be with M’s immediate family and his brother’s roommate’s family (random?). I’m happy about this because we won’t have the huge family gathering with everyone NOT talking about how we were supposed to have a baby by now. And it means I can hold out on telling M’s grandmother for a little longer (we’re looking at hopefully telling on her birthday in mid-December).
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there. I have so much to be thankful for and I can’t believe I’m living this life right now. I’ll keep all of you in my thoughts tomorrow. I know some of you are afraid for current pregnancies and some are wishing to be pregnant. I never stop thinking and hoping for you.
Good Things: The fabled “honeymoon of pregnancy” has begun. I’m staying awake to my normal 10 pm bedtime. I actually do things in the evening. My boobs feel fine. I’m showing just enough to make me smile. I’ve got these little flutters. M has started rubbing my belly and saying “Hi Baby!” and melting my heart.
Bad Things: Yeah, all that stuff ending scares me. My face is still gross and I have zits everywhere. I went for a walk on Friday and blew out my shoes (you know how that is – I popped the air in my Nike Airs).
Normal Life: I can’t wait for this work day to be over and Thanksgiving will begin! I was dreading this holiday before I got pregnant again. Now I think I can do this. We’ll just be with M’s immediate family and his brother’s roommate’s family (random?). I’m happy about this because we won’t have the huge family gathering with everyone NOT talking about how we were supposed to have a baby by now. And it means I can hold out on telling M’s grandmother for a little longer (we’re looking at hopefully telling on her birthday in mid-December).
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there. I have so much to be thankful for and I can’t believe I’m living this life right now. I’ll keep all of you in my thoughts tomorrow. I know some of you are afraid for current pregnancies and some are wishing to be pregnant. I never stop thinking and hoping for you.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Flutter talk
Remember how I was talking about those flutters last week? And how I KNOW they aren’t the baby moving, but they give me some hope that there is someone in there? I’m not the only one that loves them!
I told M about them a few times. He has nodded and kind of acknowledged them like any of my other symptoms. But on Sunday night, we were reading on the couch (the cable went out) and I told him I could feel them. He looked at me and asked if he could feel them, too. He had the sweetest look on his face, he wanted to feel them more than anything! I wish I could give that to him. Just a few more weeks, right?
I gave more blood to the CF doctor yesterday. It took three sticks for him to get a vein. They didn't hurt, though, and I don't have those awful bruises that you usually get when they miss. M said it was a good thing he wasn't there. He never would have made it through the first one. After he got enough blood, the doctor talked economics with me. He was curious about what I'd pay for some of these tests. It's hard to look back and say what I would have paid before I knew anything about the different strains of CF and all the mutations. I think he was disappointed in my answer. Then he told me they are going to shift their major focus to paternity tests (while still researching the CF tests) because those have a high demand. How scary is that?
I just scheduled a tour of a day care facility. It is right after my appointment on Monday. I had to cancel two tours in May because of my miscarriage. Now I’m stressed out.
I told M about them a few times. He has nodded and kind of acknowledged them like any of my other symptoms. But on Sunday night, we were reading on the couch (the cable went out) and I told him I could feel them. He looked at me and asked if he could feel them, too. He had the sweetest look on his face, he wanted to feel them more than anything! I wish I could give that to him. Just a few more weeks, right?
I gave more blood to the CF doctor yesterday. It took three sticks for him to get a vein. They didn't hurt, though, and I don't have those awful bruises that you usually get when they miss. M said it was a good thing he wasn't there. He never would have made it through the first one. After he got enough blood, the doctor talked economics with me. He was curious about what I'd pay for some of these tests. It's hard to look back and say what I would have paid before I knew anything about the different strains of CF and all the mutations. I think he was disappointed in my answer. Then he told me they are going to shift their major focus to paternity tests (while still researching the CF tests) because those have a high demand. How scary is that?
I just scheduled a tour of a day care facility. It is right after my appointment on Monday. I had to cancel two tours in May because of my miscarriage. Now I’m stressed out.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Reactions, rings and pants
I have a few things I want to talk about today. Reactions, Belly Rings and Pants.
1. Reactions: Telling people you are pregnant (again) is a totally different experience. Some people barely even register. “Oh, ok” and they go on with whatever. You’d think I told them this same thing 6 months ago. Some people are SO happy for us. Our neighbors actually clapped and cheered! Most people are kind of in between – they’re happy to hear the news, just a little more reserved than before. I understand that one the most. I’m kind of reserved about it, too.
One of my coworkers told me I shouldn’t move around as much and not wear tight clothes. I’m pretty sure my baby didn’t die because of the pants I was wearing. That kind of hurt.
2. Belly Rings: We took out my belly button ring on Friday night. I feel naked. I got that ring my junior year of college in August 1999. One of the first people I showed was my friend across the hall. I had no clue that 10 years later he’d be the one taking it out because we’re expecting a baby! But now my stomach looks so boring and sad. M told me I look like a Cyclops. I’m glad we didn’t wait longer – M had a hard time prying that thing apart and I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m not going to put it back in or try to keep it from closing up. I’ll be 30 in a month. I don’t need a belly button ring anymore.
3. Pants: I’m wearing maternity pants and I LOVE them.
1. Reactions: Telling people you are pregnant (again) is a totally different experience. Some people barely even register. “Oh, ok” and they go on with whatever. You’d think I told them this same thing 6 months ago. Some people are SO happy for us. Our neighbors actually clapped and cheered! Most people are kind of in between – they’re happy to hear the news, just a little more reserved than before. I understand that one the most. I’m kind of reserved about it, too.
One of my coworkers told me I shouldn’t move around as much and not wear tight clothes. I’m pretty sure my baby didn’t die because of the pants I was wearing. That kind of hurt.
2. Belly Rings: We took out my belly button ring on Friday night. I feel naked. I got that ring my junior year of college in August 1999. One of the first people I showed was my friend across the hall. I had no clue that 10 years later he’d be the one taking it out because we’re expecting a baby! But now my stomach looks so boring and sad. M told me I look like a Cyclops. I’m glad we didn’t wait longer – M had a hard time prying that thing apart and I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m not going to put it back in or try to keep it from closing up. I’ll be 30 in a month. I don’t need a belly button ring anymore.
3. Pants: I’m wearing maternity pants and I LOVE them.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
15 Weeks
I’m in uncharted territory.
Good things: I’m still kind of tired. I’m waiting for the second trimester energy to kick in, but I haven’t seen it yet. That’s fine with me. I don’t really mind lounging on the couch and not doing laundry. My house is getting messy, though. The boobs are barely hurting at all, but they are changing. I’ve got these blue veins that I can see and it grosses me out. I can only see them in the mirror. I spend a lot of time staring at various body parts in the mirror. I’m getting a little bigger. My abs feel like I’ve been doing sit-ups (as if I would know what that feels like).
Great things: I’ve read everywhere that these little flutters are not baby movements. Fine. I believe you. But they are something. I didn’t have this before pregnancy and I have a lot of gas problems. This is something else. Everyone on the birth boards is talking about them now. So this isn’t a kid kicking me. I’ll call it “Uterus flutters” and I’ll put it in the symptom column. However. There was something. Something completely and totally different than these little flutters. I was running all over the office and bending up and down and carrying plans all over the place and in a tizzy because of some work thing. When it all calmed down, I sat in my chair and took a deep breath. That was when something (I won’t say who or what) tapped me from the inside about 4 quick times. It was light like a fingertip and right down there where a baby lives. It was just that one time. I’m still not saying I felt baby movement… but I’m also not saying that I haven’t.
Bad things: I’ve lost my confidence from the appointment on Thursday. I’m not gaining weight. I still am the only person in my household that thinks I’m showing.
In normal life: I dropped off some blood for the CF doctor yesterday. They made a discovery about blood draws while I was sitting there (something about blood flow – I wasn’t watching). I felt cool to be helping them out.
I’ve heard so much about how once you’re past 14 weeks, your chance of miscarriage goes down again. Yeah? I thought it went down at 6 weeks… or 10 weeks… or at the 2nd trimester… This feeling will never go away. I know I’ll feel better once (if?) I can feel someone kicking my lungs. Come on time! Speed up!!!
Good things: I’m still kind of tired. I’m waiting for the second trimester energy to kick in, but I haven’t seen it yet. That’s fine with me. I don’t really mind lounging on the couch and not doing laundry. My house is getting messy, though. The boobs are barely hurting at all, but they are changing. I’ve got these blue veins that I can see and it grosses me out. I can only see them in the mirror. I spend a lot of time staring at various body parts in the mirror. I’m getting a little bigger. My abs feel like I’ve been doing sit-ups (as if I would know what that feels like).
Great things: I’ve read everywhere that these little flutters are not baby movements. Fine. I believe you. But they are something. I didn’t have this before pregnancy and I have a lot of gas problems. This is something else. Everyone on the birth boards is talking about them now. So this isn’t a kid kicking me. I’ll call it “Uterus flutters” and I’ll put it in the symptom column. However. There was something. Something completely and totally different than these little flutters. I was running all over the office and bending up and down and carrying plans all over the place and in a tizzy because of some work thing. When it all calmed down, I sat in my chair and took a deep breath. That was when something (I won’t say who or what) tapped me from the inside about 4 quick times. It was light like a fingertip and right down there where a baby lives. It was just that one time. I’m still not saying I felt baby movement… but I’m also not saying that I haven’t.
Bad things: I’ve lost my confidence from the appointment on Thursday. I’m not gaining weight. I still am the only person in my household that thinks I’m showing.
In normal life: I dropped off some blood for the CF doctor yesterday. They made a discovery about blood draws while I was sitting there (something about blood flow – I wasn’t watching). I felt cool to be helping them out.
I’ve heard so much about how once you’re past 14 weeks, your chance of miscarriage goes down again. Yeah? I thought it went down at 6 weeks… or 10 weeks… or at the 2nd trimester… This feeling will never go away. I know I’ll feel better once (if?) I can feel someone kicking my lungs. Come on time! Speed up!!!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Telling the world
We’ve started telling people. We told M’s friends at a football game on Saturday. I told my friend’s mom on Sunday. I told my coworkers this morning. We’re not making grand announcements. We’re just mentioning to people as we see them. Now I’m freaking out.
I KNOW this baby isn’t going to just up and die because I started telling people we’re pregnant. I know that is a crazy thought. I still have it. I’ve said this over and over, but last time we started telling and our baby was already dead.
I don’t want to tell M’s grandmother yet. She had some miscarriages and she took ours pretty hard. That little boy was going to be her first great-grandchild. Everyone had been waiting for him (I found out that they watched my every move towards the bar since we got married). I KNOW it’s not my fault, but I feel like I let her down. I don’t want that to happen again. I told my MIL about this and she hugged me and started to cry (so what else is new?). I’m not waiting because I’m upset. I’m waiting because she was so upset. I don’t want her to worry like I’ve been worrying. She knows what it’s like.
So I have a question. When does this pregnancy stuff start flying by? I keep hearing “Oh, enjoy it! It’ll be over so fast! Pregnancy is so great!” Every second is like an hour for me. October was 6 months long. November isn’t going any faster. The only time that goes by fast is the time I get for sleeping.
I KNOW this baby isn’t going to just up and die because I started telling people we’re pregnant. I know that is a crazy thought. I still have it. I’ve said this over and over, but last time we started telling and our baby was already dead.
I don’t want to tell M’s grandmother yet. She had some miscarriages and she took ours pretty hard. That little boy was going to be her first great-grandchild. Everyone had been waiting for him (I found out that they watched my every move towards the bar since we got married). I KNOW it’s not my fault, but I feel like I let her down. I don’t want that to happen again. I told my MIL about this and she hugged me and started to cry (so what else is new?). I’m not waiting because I’m upset. I’m waiting because she was so upset. I don’t want her to worry like I’ve been worrying. She knows what it’s like.
So I have a question. When does this pregnancy stuff start flying by? I keep hearing “Oh, enjoy it! It’ll be over so fast! Pregnancy is so great!” Every second is like an hour for me. October was 6 months long. November isn’t going any faster. The only time that goes by fast is the time I get for sleeping.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Belly Pic - 14 weeks
I had M take a lot of pictures. This is the only one where it looks like I have a baby bump and not just some extra pudge. Unfortunately, I'm leaning back so you can't really appreciate my ample bosom. Sorry about that. I know you're all fascinated with boob size, but I can't please everyone.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Due Date
I’m not sure how to feel today. I knew I’d be confused. I have so many different feelings right now. I have a vague feeling of sadness, but I just can’t suppress the joy from yesterday. So right now, I’m actually a little giddy. Which makes me feel guilty. I know there’s no RIGHT way to feel today. I’ll probably have some bad times off and on, but I’m doing much better than I thought I would be. Good news just seems to be flowing today (you know who you are!) and my mind has a hard time thinking about the bad stuff when I have so much good right now.
******
I wrote this a few days ago, when I still wasn’t sure I would still be pregnant today:
In the past few weeks, the emptiness was getting to me. I have all this empty time. I feel like something is missing in my life. I felt it a little when we started TTC last year, but now it is getting bigger. I have these hours that I don’t want to fill. I just kind of sit and look around. I know what I should be doing. I should be taking care of a little one. I should be wishing for more sleep. I should be smiling at a sleeping little boy.
I would know now what he looks like. I would know if those blue eyes snuck past my family’s dark brown eyes. I would know how big he would be. I would know what his hands looked like and how cute those toes could be. I would know what it was like to have a baby want to be held by me.
Instead, I’m at work. I’m wearing normal people pants. No one here knows what today is. Why would you remember someone’s unfulfilled due date? That’s not something you write on your calendar.
******
A girl walked up to me today and said “It’s Friday the 13th! This is such a terrible day!” and I didn’t really respond. I kind of started to like the idea of Friday the 13th…
Like I said, those thoughts are still there, just not in the front of my mind. I wish the world worked out different, but I can’t wish this new little baby away. I want this baby, I want the other baby. I’m totally in love with that little sound I heard yesterday, I wish I had a crying baby in my arms right now.
Even with all this last year has brought me, I’m so happy and blessed to be where I am right now.
******
I wrote this a few days ago, when I still wasn’t sure I would still be pregnant today:
In the past few weeks, the emptiness was getting to me. I have all this empty time. I feel like something is missing in my life. I felt it a little when we started TTC last year, but now it is getting bigger. I have these hours that I don’t want to fill. I just kind of sit and look around. I know what I should be doing. I should be taking care of a little one. I should be wishing for more sleep. I should be smiling at a sleeping little boy.
I would know now what he looks like. I would know if those blue eyes snuck past my family’s dark brown eyes. I would know how big he would be. I would know what his hands looked like and how cute those toes could be. I would know what it was like to have a baby want to be held by me.
Instead, I’m at work. I’m wearing normal people pants. No one here knows what today is. Why would you remember someone’s unfulfilled due date? That’s not something you write on your calendar.
******
A girl walked up to me today and said “It’s Friday the 13th! This is such a terrible day!” and I didn’t really respond. I kind of started to like the idea of Friday the 13th…
Like I said, those thoughts are still there, just not in the front of my mind. I wish the world worked out different, but I can’t wish this new little baby away. I want this baby, I want the other baby. I’m totally in love with that little sound I heard yesterday, I wish I had a crying baby in my arms right now.
Even with all this last year has brought me, I’m so happy and blessed to be where I am right now.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Faithfully...
I heard a Journey song on the way to the doctor's office. On my way to the first appointment, I heard "Don't Stop Believing!" and I knew it would be an anthem for this pregnancy. I was thinking as I drove today... I'd really like to hear some Journey and then it was the next song.
We were in the office for about an hour before we went back to a room. The nurse kept coming out and telling me she didn't forget! That was nice.
M saw a guy he knew from elementary school leaving with his wife. They shook hands and congratulated each other.
Then we went into the room. It's weird waiting in a setting like that. M and I were kind of looking at each other. We talked a little about being nervous. Then we stared some more. It is nice to be able to keep my pants on now. I don't get nearly as sweaty when I'm fully clothed.
The doctor came in and went for a listen right away. And then we waited and she searched. And searched. She started feeling around looking for my uterus. Then she searched some more. I closed my eyes and just prayed. That's when she said, "I can hear something moving in there," but that didn't help much. Nervousness = Gas for me. I was sure she was just hearing my intestines. Then it was there. Not very loud, but totally not timed with my pounding heart.
160 beats per minute. A heartbeat heard on a doppler. I felt my own heart relax.
I asked her about the due dates since the NT scan put me 8 days ahead. She talked about different machines and different times and whatever. Then she said that since I've been consistently ahead, she's going to split the difference. My new official due date is May 12th. That puts me at 14 weeks and 1 day. Wow.
Officially, officially out of the first trimester. With a live baby.
Tomorrow is still going to be tough, but I can hold this new hope in my heart and I can get through it. Especially with the support I have here. Thank you.
We were in the office for about an hour before we went back to a room. The nurse kept coming out and telling me she didn't forget! That was nice.
M saw a guy he knew from elementary school leaving with his wife. They shook hands and congratulated each other.
Then we went into the room. It's weird waiting in a setting like that. M and I were kind of looking at each other. We talked a little about being nervous. Then we stared some more. It is nice to be able to keep my pants on now. I don't get nearly as sweaty when I'm fully clothed.
The doctor came in and went for a listen right away. And then we waited and she searched. And searched. She started feeling around looking for my uterus. Then she searched some more. I closed my eyes and just prayed. That's when she said, "I can hear something moving in there," but that didn't help much. Nervousness = Gas for me. I was sure she was just hearing my intestines. Then it was there. Not very loud, but totally not timed with my pounding heart.
160 beats per minute. A heartbeat heard on a doppler. I felt my own heart relax.
I asked her about the due dates since the NT scan put me 8 days ahead. She talked about different machines and different times and whatever. Then she said that since I've been consistently ahead, she's going to split the difference. My new official due date is May 12th. That puts me at 14 weeks and 1 day. Wow.
Officially, officially out of the first trimester. With a live baby.
Tomorrow is still going to be tough, but I can hold this new hope in my heart and I can get through it. Especially with the support I have here. Thank you.
Keeping Calm... deep breath...
This is it. 13 weeks and 3 days. I have never heard a heartbeat at my doctor's office. I want that to happen today.
I'm wearing my lucky rhino necklace, dragonfly earrings, butterfly socks, and red underpants. I've got my rock lobster in my purse. My page-a-day calendar has a rainbow on it today.
I have an important project for work today that I need to get finished so I can leave this afternoon with nothing to worry about. I'll clean up my desk at 2:30 and leave at 2:40. Hopefully I'll be here tomorrow, but I like to be ready.
Send some prayers and hold my hand at 3 pm, please!
I'm wearing my lucky rhino necklace, dragonfly earrings, butterfly socks, and red underpants. I've got my rock lobster in my purse. My page-a-day calendar has a rainbow on it today.
I have an important project for work today that I need to get finished so I can leave this afternoon with nothing to worry about. I'll clean up my desk at 2:30 and leave at 2:40. Hopefully I'll be here tomorrow, but I like to be ready.
Send some prayers and hold my hand at 3 pm, please!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
If if if
Things are looking up. I cried yesterday because M came home and I was making chicken fajitas. He had told me on the phone we would make stir-fry for dinner. And I cried. And cried. And cried. Then I cried more because poor M was getting home from a terrible day at work at 7:30 pm to a crazy wife who was crying about the wrong chicken.
But then he laughed at me a little and said I was making him feel better because I was sobbing into his armpit.
The tide of emotions for Friday is starting to come in. Part of me thinks I should stay home from work. But won’t that just be worse? Sitting on my couch watching Ellen and crying? I could at least sit here and cry a little in the bathroom. As usual, I must add the side note that this is assuming everything will go well at the appointment on Thursday.
On that note, does anyone read Busted Babymaker? Back when she was waiting for her Toddle, she always said “if” and “maybe” and never “when.” I didn’t understand why she was so negative about her pregnancy. But here I am, doing the exact same thing. My loss is so different from hers, so much earlier and one baby. But I get it now. Even when I think about this pregnancy in my head, I have to say if. I can’t ever assume things will be ok. When I think about our son, I remember how I would talk about when Thanksgiving came and how we would have this little baby. Now I say that I hope I’ll still be pregnant at Thanksgiving so I can wear my belly band and have more room for mashed potatoes.
How can I function in the normal world? I cringe when people around me say when about my pregnancy. I have to correct them in my head. I can’t hear their positive voices. This weekend, my (wonderful, lovely, perfect, pretty) friend said something like, “This is something you can do to keep busy when you’re in labor.” And I said in my head, “Hopefully! Hopefully!” But, really, if she had said, “This is something you can do to keep busy if you ever get to the point where you’re in labor,” I would be crying and sad and hurt. So I need that positivity from the people around me. I won’t ever say when, but I need to hear it.
54 more hours. It feels weird to count down to something that could be devastating.
But then he laughed at me a little and said I was making him feel better because I was sobbing into his armpit.
The tide of emotions for Friday is starting to come in. Part of me thinks I should stay home from work. But won’t that just be worse? Sitting on my couch watching Ellen and crying? I could at least sit here and cry a little in the bathroom. As usual, I must add the side note that this is assuming everything will go well at the appointment on Thursday.
On that note, does anyone read Busted Babymaker? Back when she was waiting for her Toddle, she always said “if” and “maybe” and never “when.” I didn’t understand why she was so negative about her pregnancy. But here I am, doing the exact same thing. My loss is so different from hers, so much earlier and one baby. But I get it now. Even when I think about this pregnancy in my head, I have to say if. I can’t ever assume things will be ok. When I think about our son, I remember how I would talk about when Thanksgiving came and how we would have this little baby. Now I say that I hope I’ll still be pregnant at Thanksgiving so I can wear my belly band and have more room for mashed potatoes.
How can I function in the normal world? I cringe when people around me say when about my pregnancy. I have to correct them in my head. I can’t hear their positive voices. This weekend, my (wonderful, lovely, perfect, pretty) friend said something like, “This is something you can do to keep busy when you’re in labor.” And I said in my head, “Hopefully! Hopefully!” But, really, if she had said, “This is something you can do to keep busy if you ever get to the point where you’re in labor,” I would be crying and sad and hurt. So I need that positivity from the people around me. I won’t ever say when, but I need to hear it.
54 more hours. It feels weird to count down to something that could be devastating.
Monday, November 9, 2009
13 Weeks
Well, here we are. The milestone week. If I can make it past this week I will be in the second trimester with a live baby. I made it to the second trimester before… but with a dead baby. My appointment is on Thursday – exactly 13 weeks and 3 days.
Some good things: I’m still feeling nauseous. This morning I threw up in my mouth on my way to work. It was gross, but not huge, you know? Just a little tiny bit. And it made me happy. I’m so weird. I had some more “growing pains,” but they might have just been gas. I’m still falling asleep around 9 pm. My boobs are still tender when I smoosh them.
Some bad things: All of my symptoms are decreasing. I know this is supposed to happen. It’s fine and normal… but it happened at the same point last time and look where that got me.
I have a little voice come in and say, “Don’t worry! What are the chances you’ll find out about your miscarriage in the same week as last time?” and then a second voice chimes in, “Pretty damn good!” and a third, weaker one says, “Hey! Everything will be fine and May will bring a baby!” and the other two voices shout, “Shut up, dummy!” This happens 2-3 times an hour.
I’m sorry to be such a downer at this time when I should start to get excited, but this is going to get rough. I am simultaneously dreading and longing for Thursday. I wish it would just get here and we could get past Friday and I could start to get excited. I’m afraid it will get here and I will be sadder than I ever was in May.
We went back to the CF doctor on Friday afternoon. They have most of M’s DNA sequenced (and all is clear so far), but a few pieces just aren’t working. They took 4 tubes of blood from him and he did great. The doctor took the blood himself, so now M is done. We’ll know his full results on Wednesday afternoon. If all goes well with me, I’ll give 1-2 tubes every week for 3-4 weeks starting next week. Again, I’m happy to be part of this study. He really wanted some blood for this week, but decided to wait until we’re past the 14 week mark.
I’ll have more updates this week that will sound about the same. Hopefully, you’ll get a positive and joyful post on Thursday. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Some good things: I’m still feeling nauseous. This morning I threw up in my mouth on my way to work. It was gross, but not huge, you know? Just a little tiny bit. And it made me happy. I’m so weird. I had some more “growing pains,” but they might have just been gas. I’m still falling asleep around 9 pm. My boobs are still tender when I smoosh them.
Some bad things: All of my symptoms are decreasing. I know this is supposed to happen. It’s fine and normal… but it happened at the same point last time and look where that got me.
I have a little voice come in and say, “Don’t worry! What are the chances you’ll find out about your miscarriage in the same week as last time?” and then a second voice chimes in, “Pretty damn good!” and a third, weaker one says, “Hey! Everything will be fine and May will bring a baby!” and the other two voices shout, “Shut up, dummy!” This happens 2-3 times an hour.
I’m sorry to be such a downer at this time when I should start to get excited, but this is going to get rough. I am simultaneously dreading and longing for Thursday. I wish it would just get here and we could get past Friday and I could start to get excited. I’m afraid it will get here and I will be sadder than I ever was in May.
We went back to the CF doctor on Friday afternoon. They have most of M’s DNA sequenced (and all is clear so far), but a few pieces just aren’t working. They took 4 tubes of blood from him and he did great. The doctor took the blood himself, so now M is done. We’ll know his full results on Wednesday afternoon. If all goes well with me, I’ll give 1-2 tubes every week for 3-4 weeks starting next week. Again, I’m happy to be part of this study. He really wanted some blood for this week, but decided to wait until we’re past the 14 week mark.
I’ll have more updates this week that will sound about the same. Hopefully, you’ll get a positive and joyful post on Thursday. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Shots
I got my h1n1 shot. It took 5 minutes. A little girl watched them stick the needle in my arm. I watched her watching me. Her eyes got all round and huge. I think that made it hurt me a little more. I came right back to work and handed over the paperwork to my boss. We do some work for a giant hospital that is now requiring all of their contractors to have the flu shots. This may be the only time in the history of the world that pregnancy has been an asset to an employer. I just hope they realize that I’m not carrying ladders all over the place.
M has to go into the CF doctor again tomorrow. They have 95% of his gene sequenced (and still no sign of being a carrier! Hooray!!). They can’t get the rest from his cheek swab, so we’ll go in right after lunch tomorrow when his blood sugar is nice and high. I’ll have some more blood drawn, too.
Anyway, the good feeling I had from the ultrasound on Monday is gone. It lasted way longer than I thought! I got all the way to Wednesday night before I started getting nervous again. I’m still torn about the Doppler thing. M vetoed the idea as soon as it came out of my mouth. “No. Way. That is not going to help you calm down.” Only 7 days and 2 hours until my next appointment!
The big news today is AKD having her FET today. Send her love!
M has to go into the CF doctor again tomorrow. They have 95% of his gene sequenced (and still no sign of being a carrier! Hooray!!). They can’t get the rest from his cheek swab, so we’ll go in right after lunch tomorrow when his blood sugar is nice and high. I’ll have some more blood drawn, too.
Anyway, the good feeling I had from the ultrasound on Monday is gone. It lasted way longer than I thought! I got all the way to Wednesday night before I started getting nervous again. I’m still torn about the Doppler thing. M vetoed the idea as soon as it came out of my mouth. “No. Way. That is not going to help you calm down.” Only 7 days and 2 hours until my next appointment!
The big news today is AKD having her FET today. Send her love!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
12 Weeks (or 13 weeks?)
Today I am 12 weeks, 1 day. Or 13 weeks, 2 days. I think I’m going to stick with the old dates for a while. I’ll talk to my doctor next week and see what she thinks. So here is my 12 week status report:
My symptoms are the same as last week. I get a little tiny bit nauseous in the morning before breakfast and then a little tiny bit after I eat. Then I’m fine. My boobs are hurting less. Every once in a while, they’ll hurt so bad I could cry, but that seems to coincide with the husband having grabby hands…
My button up shirts are not fitting anymore. This is not because of my belly. I have to safety pin my shirts closed because they are straining around my chest. It’s not like I’m new to this. I can only wear shirts from NY&Co because they are the only ones that stretch enough to cover them normally. Now those aren’t doing the job anymore. At least colder weather is coming, so these shirts aren’t going to be practical much longer anyway. I can’t wait to get to sweaters.
I’m hairbanding all my pants now. I’m not quite ready to go to the bella band yet, but I’ve got 2 under my bed. It’s hard to pee with those things, and I’m peeing a lot. I guess the hairbands are a hassle, too. It might be time to take a belly picture.
I’m falling asleep before 9 pm every night and I’m uncomfortable when I sleep. I don’t want M to touch me at night, and I’m normally a huge cuddler. I tuck a bear* under my stomach and I’m happy.
I just got an appointment for my h1n1 vaccine. I know there is a lot of debate about it, but my mom is a nurse in a large health care system and is on committees about pandemic flues. She told me to get the shot, so I'm getting the shot. Also, my mother in law sends me emails every day about getting the shot and washing my hands. That is getting old.
*I’ve had this bear since I was 8 years old and it is a little taller than my friend’s 20 month old daughter. I love this bear.
My symptoms are the same as last week. I get a little tiny bit nauseous in the morning before breakfast and then a little tiny bit after I eat. Then I’m fine. My boobs are hurting less. Every once in a while, they’ll hurt so bad I could cry, but that seems to coincide with the husband having grabby hands…
My button up shirts are not fitting anymore. This is not because of my belly. I have to safety pin my shirts closed because they are straining around my chest. It’s not like I’m new to this. I can only wear shirts from NY&Co because they are the only ones that stretch enough to cover them normally. Now those aren’t doing the job anymore. At least colder weather is coming, so these shirts aren’t going to be practical much longer anyway. I can’t wait to get to sweaters.
I’m hairbanding all my pants now. I’m not quite ready to go to the bella band yet, but I’ve got 2 under my bed. It’s hard to pee with those things, and I’m peeing a lot. I guess the hairbands are a hassle, too. It might be time to take a belly picture.
I’m falling asleep before 9 pm every night and I’m uncomfortable when I sleep. I don’t want M to touch me at night, and I’m normally a huge cuddler. I tuck a bear* under my stomach and I’m happy.
I just got an appointment for my h1n1 vaccine. I know there is a lot of debate about it, but my mom is a nurse in a large health care system and is on committees about pandemic flues. She told me to get the shot, so I'm getting the shot. Also, my mother in law sends me emails every day about getting the shot and washing my hands. That is getting old.
*I’ve had this bear since I was 8 years old and it is a little taller than my friend’s 20 month old daughter. I love this bear.
Monday, November 2, 2009
NT Scan Results
Everything looks wonderful. Thank you so much for your prayers and support!
Here are the details: I told the tech about the miscarriages and she was great. She was kind and asked all the right questions. I felt like hugging her. She looked for the heart beat right away and I couldn’t really see it, but she let us hear it. It was at about 176 right then. I think it might have been high because my own heart rate was out of control. Then she checked all over. The baby is perfect. We saw both hemispheres of the brain, a bladder, spinal cord, fingers, toes and long legs. The baby opened and closed its mouth a few times.
M couldn’t take his eyes of the screen. He held my hand the whole time but I think he forgot I was in the room.
Later on in the scan, the baby’s heart rate went down to 158 and steady, which is wonderful. She was happy to see that. Then we talked about my dates. The baby measured 13 weeks, 1 day. That was from several measurements at several angles. I am supposed to be 12 weeks, 0 days. I’m not surprised that we were off – if everything had been right on time, we wouldn’t have this baby!
My due date has been changed to May 9th. This could be the best Mother’s day ever!
All of the measurements for the NT scan were right where they should be.
So, this baby moved everywhere. The last baby barely moved during the scan. The heart rate was at 158 and 176, which is within the normal range that the tech wants to see. The last baby was at 186 – too high. This baby is measuring 13 weeks, 1 day. The last one measured 12 weeks 6 days at my 14 week appointment.
Could this really happen?
Here are the details: I told the tech about the miscarriages and she was great. She was kind and asked all the right questions. I felt like hugging her. She looked for the heart beat right away and I couldn’t really see it, but she let us hear it. It was at about 176 right then. I think it might have been high because my own heart rate was out of control. Then she checked all over. The baby is perfect. We saw both hemispheres of the brain, a bladder, spinal cord, fingers, toes and long legs. The baby opened and closed its mouth a few times.
M couldn’t take his eyes of the screen. He held my hand the whole time but I think he forgot I was in the room.
Later on in the scan, the baby’s heart rate went down to 158 and steady, which is wonderful. She was happy to see that. Then we talked about my dates. The baby measured 13 weeks, 1 day. That was from several measurements at several angles. I am supposed to be 12 weeks, 0 days. I’m not surprised that we were off – if everything had been right on time, we wouldn’t have this baby!
My due date has been changed to May 9th. This could be the best Mother’s day ever!
All of the measurements for the NT scan were right where they should be.
So, this baby moved everywhere. The last baby barely moved during the scan. The heart rate was at 158 and 176, which is within the normal range that the tech wants to see. The last baby was at 186 – too high. This baby is measuring 13 weeks, 1 day. The last one measured 12 weeks 6 days at my 14 week appointment.
Could this really happen?
Sunday, November 1, 2009
NT Scan tomorrow!
We're going to the NT scan tomorrow morning, bright and early. We need to be there at 7:45, so I'll be drinking tons of water and wishing I could pee by 6:30.
As of right now (2 pm on Sunday afternoon), I'm feeling good. I'm not to worried, but then I remember that I wasn't worried at that 14-week appointment in May. Then I get worried about not being worried and thinking I might jinx everything.
Do you think I can get the tech to look for a heartbeat immediately? Last time, she looked at my ovaries forever before even passing by the baby. I guess it won't hurt to ask.
As of right now (2 pm on Sunday afternoon), I'm feeling good. I'm not to worried, but then I remember that I wasn't worried at that 14-week appointment in May. Then I get worried about not being worried and thinking I might jinx everything.
Do you think I can get the tech to look for a heartbeat immediately? Last time, she looked at my ovaries forever before even passing by the baby. I guess it won't hurt to ask.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Keep Growing!
I was reading today’s Kirtsy post at LFCA. The post is Bloom Where You’re Planted and it reminded me of my own journey. Lori talks about the plants in her garden that have just shown up, accidently, and how they have taken root around her house.
Right after my D&C in May, I was looking around my yard. I had a garden full of tulips and daffodils that I was so excited about. The daffodil stems poked out of the ground, grew tall and green… and never bloomed. Only half of the tulips (maroon and orange, of course) showed up, with maybe 3 flowers out of the two dozen bulbs. I had a garden full of stems. This brought on a bad night with the husband, with me crying those cries that don’t even make noise. How come I only could grow things half way?
Lori’s post reminded me of my little accidental baby. I tried so hard for the other ones. I wanted them to grow right where they were planted. But this one… this plant that just shows up and grows, like her stubborn flowers, is a survivor. Come on baby. Keep growing.
Right after my D&C in May, I was looking around my yard. I had a garden full of tulips and daffodils that I was so excited about. The daffodil stems poked out of the ground, grew tall and green… and never bloomed. Only half of the tulips (maroon and orange, of course) showed up, with maybe 3 flowers out of the two dozen bulbs. I had a garden full of stems. This brought on a bad night with the husband, with me crying those cries that don’t even make noise. How come I only could grow things half way?
Lori’s post reminded me of my little accidental baby. I tried so hard for the other ones. I wanted them to grow right where they were planted. But this one… this plant that just shows up and grows, like her stubborn flowers, is a survivor. Come on baby. Keep growing.
Skinny Pants
I did wear my skinny pants yesterday. The buttons didn't even come close together. It was great. I almost skipped back from the bathroom each time I went.
Then I went home for lunch. M was home with a sore throat, so we had soup together. It was nice. He pointed out that I had a huge grease stain on my butt. So I had to change out of my skinny pants to regular jeans that zip up just fine.
Boring.
Then I went home for lunch. M was home with a sore throat, so we had soup together. It was nice. He pointed out that I had a huge grease stain on my butt. So I had to change out of my skinny pants to regular jeans that zip up just fine.
Boring.
Monday, October 26, 2009
11 weeks
I guess not much has changed over the last week. I have one week until the NT scan. One week until I start to get nervous for real (like all the nervousness I have now is nothing).
I saw an old friend on Friday night and I did something a little out of character. I told her how scared I am about November. And you know what she did? She gave me a big hug and told me she would be there for me. So I might continue to break out of my usual self and ask for help. I’m going to need a lot of hugs.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night (and it wasn’t because I saw Paranormal Activity on Saturday night). It was because I couldn’t stop thinking about my appointment on November 12th. I’m so afraid that one will end bad. The appointment is at 3 pm, so if I do have to get a D&C, it won’t be on Friday. I would have to wait until Monday. That would be 3 whole days of that misery. I almost couldn’t survive the 22 hours I had to wait last time. I have some big plans for that weekend – a football game and a surprise birthday party. I know I’d be letting people down if I didn’t go to those. The friend with the birthday might not understand if I stayed home. But I’d be bringing a dark cloud with me if I did go. And I'd have to spend November 13th, my due date, carrying a dead baby.
WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS??
Let’s go back to the positive. I’m still feeling good. I still have sore boobies. The soreness is coming and going, the tenderness is always there, but not too bad. My face and hairline are covered in gross zits. I’m still having the pulling/pushing out surface cramps that I am taking as a good sign. I even have a little tiny belly sticking out. I told M I thought it might just be a food baby. He asked me what a food baby was and I said, “That’s what you’re having!” and he wasn’t too happy.
The pants I have on today fit fine. I had to hair-band my jeans over the weekend. I might wear my skinny pants tomorrow just to make myself happy.
I saw an old friend on Friday night and I did something a little out of character. I told her how scared I am about November. And you know what she did? She gave me a big hug and told me she would be there for me. So I might continue to break out of my usual self and ask for help. I’m going to need a lot of hugs.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night (and it wasn’t because I saw Paranormal Activity on Saturday night). It was because I couldn’t stop thinking about my appointment on November 12th. I’m so afraid that one will end bad. The appointment is at 3 pm, so if I do have to get a D&C, it won’t be on Friday. I would have to wait until Monday. That would be 3 whole days of that misery. I almost couldn’t survive the 22 hours I had to wait last time. I have some big plans for that weekend – a football game and a surprise birthday party. I know I’d be letting people down if I didn’t go to those. The friend with the birthday might not understand if I stayed home. But I’d be bringing a dark cloud with me if I did go. And I'd have to spend November 13th, my due date, carrying a dead baby.
WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS??
Let’s go back to the positive. I’m still feeling good. I still have sore boobies. The soreness is coming and going, the tenderness is always there, but not too bad. My face and hairline are covered in gross zits. I’m still having the pulling/pushing out surface cramps that I am taking as a good sign. I even have a little tiny belly sticking out. I told M I thought it might just be a food baby. He asked me what a food baby was and I said, “That’s what you’re having!” and he wasn’t too happy.
The pants I have on today fit fine. I had to hair-band my jeans over the weekend. I might wear my skinny pants tomorrow just to make myself happy.
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