29 Weeks and Dirty Clothes

I noticed something this week. This is my second round with these maternity clothes. I lent all of them out to my cousin when she was pregnant last year. I also lent some shirts out to another friend. So some of my shirts are on their 4th pregnancy. I'm happy they've had so much use... but I also realize that pregnant people are sloppy. I'm not blaming my cousin or my friend. I'm blaming me. Almost all of my clothes have some sort of stain on them! I'm sure they are my fault. I feel bad for lending out stained clothes! Gross! I know it's me because most of the stains are grease stains. I should try to get them out, but I'm too lazy. 

Baby is still behaving. My mom was able to feel some kicks over the weekend. I had a very fast appointment last week with a heart rate in the 130s. I gained 8 pounds in 2 weeks, so I'm going to watch my snacks over the next two weeks to try to slow that down a bit. 

Here's something cool: We went to the beach on Sunday. The weather wasn't that great, so I wore capri pants over my suit. I wore a maternity bathing suit top. This was the very first time in my life that I had ZERO body issues at the beach. I saw super hot girls walking along and I didn't care. I took pictures of just me, full length! That never happens in a bathing suit! I sprawled out on a chair. I threw myself down in the sand to dig a hole. I just let it all out there and it was great. I don't know if we'll make it to the beach again this summer, so I wanted to hold onto that feeling. I wish we could all have that! I'm sad that I had to be 29 weeks pregnant to feel that way. I told M about it and he said that I should feel that way all the time. I'm glad the person that counts thinks that about me. I'll try to keep that feeling next year. 

28 weeks and new clothes

I saw my mom over the weekend and she brought me some maternity shorts. Now I'm ready for the summer... whenever that starts!

I've been feeling pretty good the past week. My back hasn't bothered me and I slept pretty well. That's all good news. So far, the third trimester has been kind to me. Nothing really new to report there.

I got our pool passes for the summer and now I just stare at the pool everyday when I drive by. I can't wait to just float for a little while. I hope the bathing suit I bought will fit all summer. I hope I can find a way to shave my legs all summer - or I hope no one gets close enough to tell!

Grateful

This is always my most conflicted time of the year. The searing pain has faded, but the general feeling of sadness is still there. Four years ago today, it was my last day of a seemingly normal pregnancy. I was visiting friends and wearing maternity pants (maybe even the same ones I am wearing today). I had no inkling that everything would end the next morning.

I feel guilty spending so much time dwelling on the baby that isn't here. I'm distracted by planning a birthday party and huge birthday surprise for W (a playset in the backyard!). But I also have had extra time to think. Every night this week, I've been sitting in the dirt clearing a garden around the area where the new playset will sit. It took a long time. I had time to think. Our lives would be completely different if we had that baby. The biggest difference would be that we wouldn't have W and I can't comprehend that. We'd still have a little boy, just older. Maybe we'd have a second kid by now. I try not to dwell on all of this. I don't want to wish away the life I have right now, the amazing kid that W is becoming and the tiny baby that always assures me that he or she is just fine whenever I need it. 

I wish I could send this post back in time to myself four years ago. I remember people trying to tell me about how they knew about some girl who had a miscarriage and then had a baby soon afterwards and she was happy now. Hooray for her, she's not me. What about the pain I was experiencing? What if I didn't have that success story? 

And now I am that girl. I am that story. I am so grateful. 

27 Weeks and heartburn!

The heartburn really isn't that bad yet. But it happens a lot! 

My mother's day was absolutely wonderful. We had lots of family time and M took W to the bathroom as often as he could. I didn't have to wipe anyone's butt yesterday! 

The baby seems to have moved up in my belly this week. All of the movement was low and seemed to be happening in my underbelly. The baby would kick me right in my c-section scar and it was actually getting to be a little painful. Now it is up and I can feel the kicks from the top of my belly and now they are fun movements and don't make me wince. We felt a butt (or a head) over the weekend sticking out a bit. It was fun to "play" with the baby for the first time. 

I came out on facebook after my appointment last week. I put up a picture showing W in his Big brother t-shirt. It was a small collage idea that I got from pintrest. I mainly did it because I want to use it in my scrapbook. It felt weird to post the news as I enter the 3rd trimester instead of the 2nd. At least my distant friends will all feel that my pregnancy is very quick. 

I was hesitant to put the announcement up. I knew that I wanted to do it, but I'd been putting it off for a while. I didn't want to hurt my SIL or any of my friends who are still dealing with infertility and loss. But I also didn't want to just start posting pictures of a newborn all of the sudden. 

So then I started wondering what people would think. I haven't been shy about speaking out about miscarriage on facebook. I post every October 15th about it. I will post articles that I find if they are interesting. I posted one of those inspirational photos yesterday about moms in mourning. I didn't say anything in the pregnancy announcement about my losses leading up to this pregnancy. I wanted to focus on the positive. Did anyone see it and think, "It's so easy for her. I wish it were like that for me." Or maybe, "I hope this one came easier for her." Or even, "There's a story of hope there." I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings. 

26 Week appointment

Well, I liked the sugar drink again. I enjoyed the quiet 45 minutes after my appointment to sit and read my book. I loved my McDonald's breakfast afterwards. Hopefully, we'll get good news from this appointment. Last time I needed to start taking iron pills after the results came back. That's not so bad. I'm not too worried about the diabetes. 

The actual appointment was super-fast with a doctor I had never met. I didn't like that part too much. She was running late and barely talked to me. The heart rate was in the 140s and my measurement looked good. She did give me a pamphlet on Cord Blood donation. I looked into this when I was pregnant with W and I really wanted to do it, but it wasn't widely available in my state. Now it is offered as a normal procedure at my hospital, so we will definitely sign up (I have to wait until 28 weeks). 

So, on we go! I'm into the two-week appointments now and I have the next four scheduled. One of them is with the doctor who did my c-section. I'm going to do everything I can to have her do this one if needed. For those of you who have had repeat (scheduled) c-sections, when did you set the date? 

26 weeks and my little tree

I’ve talked about my little tree before. My mom gave it to me after my 14 week miscarriage and I had to take care of it. I’m not a gardener and I absolutely cannot keep plants alive. I have no idea. The plant on my desk is only alive because a guy near me takes pity on it. My garden looks ok because I only plant things that have no maintenance requirements. I was upset when my mom gave me this tree because I knew one day the tree would die and I would feel like a failure.

We have come to that time. We moved in August and brought the tree with us. In the moving, I know I didn’t water the tree like I should have. I saw it turn brown over the winter. And now it is completely dry and the leaves (I think they are called leaves on this type of tree) are falling off. We did the huge spring clean up and mulching a few weeks ago. M’s parents were helping us. I told M that I thought they should take the tree and dig it up. There is no way I could do that myself. He told me to wait and see how it goes through the spring. So it’s still there, right where I can see it. Dead. I’m upset about that.

26 weeks is treating me well. I have an appointment on Wednesday with the Glucose test. I like the drink and the hour to read a book and the McDonald’s breakfast I get for myself on the way to work. So I’m looking at this as a little treat for myself. Is that weird?

I fell down on the street Saturday morning. I was walking along to meet up with MIL who was watching W and had taken him for a walk. I decided to walk up the street to meet them and walk back together. It was a beautiful day! I went around a corner and stepped right off the edge. I stumbled and fell on my knee. It was not a bad fall. I am not a fast walker and I am not tall. I got a scrape, but it didn’t even bleed. MIL could see me, but she was far enough away that she couldn’t even yell to see if I was ok. A car was pulling up to the stop sign as I fell. The man rolled down his window and asked if I was ok. Then he watched me get up and brush myself off and inspect my knee. He asked again. I assured him and thanked him. When MIL got to me, she told me that man was the head of OBGYN at the hospital where I will give birth! Possibly the best person to have nearby when you fall down! M was concerned when I told him about it, but the baby hasn’t changed its habits. I’m not at all worried about the fall.

I’ll update again on Wednesday. It’s my last 2^nd trimester appointment! 

25 weeks and a break from diapers

Everything pregnancy related is going wonderfully. I did have a moment last week when I thought the baby wasn’t moving as much, so I laid down and it responded wonderfully with lots of wiggles and kicks.

I potty trained W over the weekend, starting with a day off from work on Friday. I was pretty sure he would get it quickly, but I was expecting a lot of resistance. He has always responded to “Do you have to go potty” with a loud “NO!” and sometimes he’d shout it “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” just so I would get the point. I never pushed it. Just hoped he’d potty train himself, I guess.

Several of my internet friends successfully used the three-day bootcamp, so I decided to give it a try. I found a weekend where we didn’t have anything planned and blocked it out. I read the book a few weeks in advance to see if we needed to do any prep work – mainly we cut out the nighttime milk. I read it again last week to prepare.

And it worked like a dream. I give most of the credit to W’s age. He will be 3 in 3 weeks. He understands everything we say to him. The rest of the credit is to the methods in the book. It was totally clear on what to say, when to say things and how to explain to your kid what is going on. We actually only had 3 accidents and I could tell that it had clicked with the 3^rd accident (he stopped and told me and then finished on the toilet), which was early Friday afternoon. I kept up with it for the 2^nd day just to make sure. We decided to drop it and take a family trip to the zoo on Sunday. We didn’t have anything else planned!

I was nervous about the outing – we took 4 changes of clothes and put an incontinence pad in the carseat. It worked out perfectly, though. I had to pee constantly and just took W into the bathrooms with me. He was cool with the public toilets as long as I held onto him.

The hardest part was the physical part of getting him on and off the toilet, the bending over, the up-and-down of it all. My back was killing me each night. That probably doesn’t happen to the non-pregnant people!

The best part was the 3 days straight of just focusing on W. I found several projects on pintrest for us to do together. We read tons of books. We watched a movie. We played outside. And, well, he did yardwork. M did the mulching around the yard on Friday afternoon. W was outside with his little wheelbarrow and no pants, loading up the mulch and delivering it to the garden. He only paused for bathroom breaks!

I’m going to be one of those people that preaches this method. Everyone I know that has used it was successful. 

24 Weeks and cocoa butter

My belly smells great. I was at the mall on Saturday to get W some shoes. I was SO happy to see the lotion/soap store that I really like had re-opened in a new location. I ran in there and got some cocoa butter lotion for my belly. It had started itching and I'm trying to avoid stretch marks. I was lucky enough not to get any the first time around - maybe it was because of the lotion! Who knows. Putting it on brought back memories. I hadn't smelled that scent in nearly 3 years. 

I think you'd all be proud of me - I parked in the expectant mother parking lot at Babies R Us without hesitation. 

I had a 90 minute prenatal massage on Friday evening. It was heaven. I should probably have one every week. 

I'm about at the point where my hair has stopped falling out. Now I think I'll need to get a haircut to manage all of the hair I'm going to have for the next few months. 

My friends threw me a sprinkle this weekend. It was a surprise to me - I thought it was a sprinkle for another friend (it was for both of us!). That was awesome and a girl flew in from far away to surprise all of us. I have the best friends ever. I spent some time last night just looking at these tiny diapers and remembering how small babies are. I'm used to humongous size 6 diapers for W (by the way, I'm doing the 3-day potty training boot camp this weekend. Send me patience and good luck), so these little bitty size ones are amazing to look at. 

22 weeks and 23 weeks

Pregnancy brain made me leave my 22 week post in with the drafts, so here are two weeks at once: 

22 Weeks: 

I took off a day to recover from my cold. It was a great idea. I haven't been too busy at work and the extra sleep seemed to get me back to normal. I really struggled with taking the day off. I've been hoarding my vacation time for maternity leave. My goal is to have 3 weeks of vacation and I had some cushion built in so I could justify taking a few days before my due date, too. Then I ended up at home on Monday because W was sick. So my cushion is gone and that makes me sad. It's not a big deal, I just like knowing that I had those extra days. I probably will still take off before my due date!

I am doing great at 22 weeks. I had an appointment April 8th and the doctor had to chase the baby down to get the heartbeat - it was in the low 150s. Next appointment is the orange drink! 

I'm getting bigger. It is happening in small bursts. I have a day or two of feeling like my skin is too small and then the next day my MIL says I look bigger. My boobs are all veiny now. It is gross to see. I keep them covered! 

23 Weeks: 

I saw the baby move from the outside last night! It was awesome. M saw it, too. 

I can see now why a lot of people are one and done. I am so happy and excited about another baby, but the idea is also exhausting. Dealing with W in the mornings is hard and I know it's because I'm already tired and impatient before I see him. I'm trying my best not to take it out on him. He can be a handful, but he can also be the sweetest thing ever. I know he just doesn't understand why I can't pick him up all the time. The other reason is that W is (normally) so easy and fits so well into our daily life. It's not going to be like this with 2 kids!

Tonight I am getting out my pregnancy body pillow (my nest). I need back support at night. I think that will make me a happier person during the day!

It's not all tiredness and complaining, though. I normally feel great. And seriously, this baby is a mover. I love it. Any minute I have any doubts, I just need to sit still and I get a little poke. I feel like this pregnancy is moving way faster than W's. I guess it's because I am so focused on W that I don't have time to sit around and ponder this pregnancy. 

I have a prenatal massage scheduled for Friday and W will be spending the night with some family. That will be a great time to just sit around and ponder. I can't wait. 

21 Weeks and sick again

We've been dealing with W's cough for most of the winter. We call it Kennel Cough. I took him to the doctor on Friday and we got antibiotics for an ear infection and something that is probably a bacterial infection in his lungs (nothing serious, just the usual stuff). Since W does things like cough into my mouth and lick my eyes, I came down with everything on Saturday evening. This is nothing like what I had in January, but it's a reminder that medicine is so wonderful and that I miss it.

I went on a site visit for work last week. I pulled into an Arby's for lunch and the spot had something written on it. I pulled back out and read "Expectant Mother." I parked in another spot. What's wrong with me? I told M about it. I told him I was afraid that someone would ask me to prove it. "All you have to do is show them your belly." Who would question that anyway? I have no idea why I didn't park there. 

Our Easter weekend was very busy. I ate a ton of candy. I am gaining weight, but I don't know how much. When I park my car in the garage, my door easily cleared some wood next to the car. This past week, I opened the door and sat down. I could not close the car door because it was sitting on the wood. I knew that was coming. 

The upside of being awake with a cold is that the baby is awake, too. This little one is a mover and I love it. 

I bought my very first pregnancy-related item this weekend - maternity tank tops. It made me happy. I still haven't bought anything for this baby. Mostly because I haven't had the opportunity. We're working pretty hard on getting W's room ready. Once he is moved out of the nursery I'll get some more stuff for the baby. I'm not sure how much W will want from his room. He'll probably want all of his books and of course his stuffed animals. I'll give him the blankets that were made specifically for him, but keep the ones I got for my shower in the baby's room. 

I gave W a baby doll. He hugged it and said it needed a nap. Then he took it upstairs, put it on the floor and put a laundry basket over it. Then he jumped on the laundry basket. 

We have a lot of work to do. 

20 weeks and I am easily annoyed

20 weeks feels awesome. I get mad when all the pregnancy trackers are congratulating me on being halfway through. I thought about this with W and I still believe that I will celebrate that milestone at 22 weeks.

I'm feeling pretty good, although my body is still very aware that something is different. My back hurts if I sit or stand for too long. I pee all the time. I don't remember the aches being this bad last time, but I am 3 years older and approaching my mid-thirties... I feel my belly stretching and getting bigger too.

I've had two birth dreams already. Both of them resulted in a girl. One of them had us deciding on a middle name. That middle name sounded great in my dream. I was pleased when I woke up. Then I said it to myself and it sounded terrible. We haven't talking about names at all, but we still have our girl name from W. We like the first name, but we were never satisfied with the middle name. We need to work on that.

I guess it's no surprise that this pregnancy is harder than the first one. I don't get to spend my evenings doing whatever and my weekends are always filled with constant activity (unless I plan a day to stay home). A stay-home day doesn't mean I get to relax, though. I'm cleaning and chasing W all over the place. I'm lucky he's such a good kid, but he can be a handful. All I want to do it sit. That works really well when he wants me to read to him (but then I get sleepy). 

My patience with him used to be awesome. I could sit with him while he sat on the stairs and talked about everything EXCEPT going down the stairs. I can't do that now. I think it's a combination of me having a  shorter fuse and him being almost three. He is throwing full tantrums when he doesn't get his way and it makes me crazy. Twice in the past week, I have had to put him in his car seat while he is screaming and twisting and shouting and kicking. It's hard (physically) and I feel totally worn out over it. But I don't have an alternative. I have to go to work, I can't explain that to a 2 year old when he is crying. We've done basically the same routine since he was 10 weeks old. It's no surprise. I feel like my only option is to stick to my guns and let him know that a fit isn't going to change my plans. He also gets mad at home sometimes before dinner, but those are easier to deal with. He can scream all he wants, but I'm not changing our dinner menu to include fruit snacks. He will usually come around on that one and start eating after a while. I just have to ride that out (without wine!). I KNOW what his triggers are - tired and/or hungry. But I can't force him to eat a snack every day when we get home. I can only offer it over and over. I can't force him to take a nap on the weekends, I can only provide a restful environment. At daycare, he will sometimes fall asleep after 1.5 hours of them making him lay on the cot - sometimes. I don't have the patience for that. We actually do better on busy weekends when we spend time in the car. He'll fall asleep about 50% of the time on long rides... although we've been to parties 1.5 hours from home and have driven back without him ever even blinking. So I have a non-napper that gets super mad sometimes when he's tired. I still think I have it pretty easy.

I've been trying to prepare for the later weeks by not picking him up anymore, which can result in him lying limp on the floor because he doesn't want to walk to the bathroom. That's getting better, though. I haven't had to drag him in weeks.

My point is that I think this is going to get worse before it gets better. And I think we're going to have an interesting transition with the new baby. We have a doll that we want to give him so we can talk about the changes that are coming. I wanted to give it to him on Sunday, but we had a rough day. I'll see how he does this evening.

Ultrasound pictures

Here are a few pictures from all of the scans we've had with this baby. Some of them are very unique. I 'd say the 9 week one is not really identifiable as a baby. But I love them all!

6 weeks, 5 days

9 weeks, 5 days

NT Scan: 11 weeks, 3 days

Anatomy Scan: 19 weeks, 3 days

19 Weeks and an Anatomy scan

I reached 19 weeks over the weekend. We went to an indoor water park. I figured it would be a while before we could go on a little family vacation again, so I found a deal and took us away for 3 days. W had his own special kind of fun, which meant he spent most of his time playing with a steering wheel attached to a pole and watched everyone else. He said he had a great time. I was so happy to get some time to just be with him. Whenever we're home, we're always doing so much. On vacation, it's just the three of us and we could just talk to W and hang out. I loved it. 

I was able to wear my normal bathing suit. But I looked terrible. Like I have a huge gut. My belly did not look cute in my suits. I look very cute in maternity shirts! I didn't worry about it too much. I took pictures with W and placed him in front of me. You can barely see my body! Perfect. 

My back is starting to hurt if I don't support my belly while sleeping. I'm having trouble getting up when sitting on the floor. It's been spread around daycare that I am waddling (I'm not!). This baby is a little mover and if M had any patience, I think he'd be able to feel the flips from the outside. 

Our anatomy scan was Tuesday afternoon. I went in MUCH calmer than I was with W. I knew the baby was growing and I knew the baby was moving. I could only hope that we'd see a healthy baby. And we did! The baby's head is measuring right on time. The tech never took any time to look to see if the baby is a boy or a girl. I'm assuming she saw something, but just didn't point it out (we didn't want to know). I consider myself pretty good at identifying the parts because I see a lot of ultrasound pictures, but I couldn't tell anything. I saw some "stuff" that could easily be an umbilical cord and I don't even know if we were looking at the body or the head at that moment. She said it is about 11 oz, which is also perfect. I counted heart chambers while she was checking them. We saw a stomach and kidneys (or at least the tech saw them) and a brain. We couldn't get a good shot of the face and part of the brain, so the tech left to talk to the doctor while we waited for the baby to move around a bit. 

When she left, M asked me if everything was OK. I told him that we saw a great heart and the tech never seemed concerned and she never stopped talking, which usually meant it went well. When she came back, we got to see the face and she got a few more brain measurements. The doctor came in and told us the baby looked great. Not even one tiny spot of concern. I am thrilled and relieved.

This was the time with W where I really started to let my guard down. Everything is as good as it can be right now. I pulled out my scrapbook and we compared pictures of this baby to W's pictures. It looks very different - the head shape and the profile are less similar than I was expecting. W looked with us and asked to look at my belly again. He still doesn't see a baby when he looks at my belly button. 

I'm going to post all of the ultrasound photos in a separate post.

18 Week appointment

W was sick yesterday, so M couldn't come to the appointment with me. He stayed at home all day with the little guy because I have a deadline at work this week that is coming up fast. MIL ended up coming with me. I wasn't worried because this baby is a mover, but I still can't take the idea of going to one of these appointments alone. 

I got there and had to pee so bad. I don't know why I do that to myself. I almost forgot to pee in the cup. I remembered at the last second and pretty much peed all over my hand (not the first time). The nurse said that people forget all the time. 

Our appointment was fast and perfect. The baby's heart rate was 156. The doctor told me a repeat c-section would be scheduled right around my due date, so I won't be getting to 41 weeks with this one. That's a relief! MIL was very involved. She stood next to me and pushed on my belly when the doctor did it. I think a lot of people would be annoyed about that, but I know she's very excited and it didn't bother me. She started crying when we heard the heartbeat. It's been a rough week for her with SIL's miscarriage and then M's grandfather passed away over the weekend. I was very happy I could provide a moment of happiness in the middle of all this. 

The funeral services for Ms grandfather will be Wednesday and Thursday. I'm worried about SIL will feel during everything. It will be the first time we see some family members since the baby announcement and I'm sure lots of them will be gushing about it. Hopefully I can redirect their attention and keep the baby talk to a minimum. I'm going to talk to her about it beforehand. I wish I could tell everyone to just not talk about it! 

My next regular appointment is April 8th. Our anatomy scan is March 19th in the afternoon. 

18 weeks

18 weeks is a fun time. I spent the "snow" day on Wednesday cleaning out my closet and doing the official switch to maternity clothes. I'm looking for more GAP tank tops because the girls seem ready to slap people in the face. I need more coverage than I'm getting from the typical maternity tank tops. I'm trying not to buy more clothes, but I've kept wearing maternity tank tops with my regular clothes.

The cool thing about feeling little jabs and pokes is that I'm keeping positive. The bad thing about little jabs and pokes is that whenever I don't feel them, I freak out. So I'm alternating between awesome happiness and total mopiness.

I feel like my body is changing faster this time. I guess that makes sense, but I'm already struggling to get off the floor and I don't think I should be acting like this. I should still be spry and running all over the place. I'm sure this has a lot to do with the long dark winter and my total lack of physical activity.

Speaking of activity, I did get out my prenatal exercise DVDs. I moved them from the box of maternity clothes to a shelf near the TV. That's progress.

My next appointment is on Monday afternoon.

Things with my SIL are looking as good as they can at this point. This past week has been hell for her and her husband. As of now, her numbers have finally started dropping and we're hoping she can avoid all interventions and this whole thing can be done. It's hard to grieve when you don't even know what's happening with your body. I guess I've been lucky that I've never gone more than a day without knowing exactly what happened. So we're all getting through that.

It’s not about me this time

This is the first time the table has turned. It’s always been about how I feel when the people around me are pregnant and how I feel because I’m not. We spent yesterday evening with my SIL and BIL while they dealt with the aftermath from Friday’s blood draw. Her numbers didn’t go up by much at all and the bleeding has gotten worse. An ultrasound didn’t find a sack. Now she’s going to have a few more blood draws and those follow up appointments that seem to be a punishment for everything.

It hurts.

I’m not going to make this about my pain, but I am sad about all this means for our family. I’d started daydreaming about two little cousins in matching outfits and pictures with me and SIL and huge bellies. I even was a little jealous in a happy way. It was going to be great.

I’m doing the best I can to be the person that I always needed. I have some great models. I have a friend who has always said and done the right thing and another friend whose pregnancy never made me feel upset. I’m also going to remember everything that I felt towards pregnant people in my life. Really, it’s not going to be hard for me. Since I’ve lived through this so many times myself, I’ve always tried to be mindful of who is around me and how they might be feeling (because you don’t always know). You’ll never hear me complain (except for here and I try to limit it even then) or say one word negative about this baby. I am grateful every day for what I have.

I hope and hope that this will be the only hardship they will face on their way to a baby. I remember very clearly how scary it is to have this happen and all the questions and fears I had when this happened to me. You are told how common it is, but it doesn’t make any difference. Within the next few weeks, several people will announce their pregnancies and you will pretend to be happy.  You’ll remember at the worst times and have to do everything to not cry.

And then, to make it all worse, your sister in law is pregnant and you have to see her at every family function.

I promise to be there for you. I promise to do everything I can to help you through this. You will get through it.

17 weeks and heartache

First of all, I’m 17 weeks and still doing fantastic. The flutters have changed into flipping and tapping. Perfect little moves to make my heart happy. Today I am sitting at work in full maternity gear. I look a little silly in the maternity shirts, but I look like a fat fatty in regular clothes. I have 2-3 regular shirts that are flowy and look very nice, but I can’t wear them all week at work. I need to really sort out clothes this weekend. My closet in the new house is a mess anyway – I hate the layout and the space isn’t efficient at all. I’ll have to clean it out a bit to make room for the new clothes. I am thrilled to have this problem.

Last night, my Brother in law and Sister in Law came over. It was a spur of the moment visit. To make a long story short, SIL is very newly pregnant and bleeding. They are terrified. I spent a long time talking to her and explaining all that happened to me. It’s so scary. I wanted to hug her and cry, but I kind of went into factual mode – I can talk very plainly about the facts of my miscarriage. And when I was going through them, I never wanted anyone to talk to me about my feelings (I did that all here). So I kind of have a wall between me and emotional miscarriage talk. The good thing is that she is still getting dark, positive pregnancy tests. Any time I’ve have bleeding, the tests were either negative or faint when the bleeding started. Today she went for a second blood draw and won’t know the results until Monday. That is so long to wait. That’s all I can really think about right now. 

15 Weeks and Maternity Jeans

I pulled out my maternity jeans yesterday. My regular jeans still fit, but they won't stay up. That doesn't make much sense, but my belly is up high and I guess I wear my pants higher than I used to! Maternity jeans are wonderful. 

I am officially feeling the baby move around. I could really feel movement last night at dinner. It is a great feeling!

My face is disgusting. Zits everywhere... perhaps there is a girl in there? That's what everyone tells me. But my face was disgusting with W, too. I don't put much faith in the old wives tales. 

14 Weeks and a heartbeat!

We had a great appointment yesterday! We didn't have to wait long and the doctor found the heartbeat right away. It was in the 160s and steady. I am still giddy about it!

After that, she threw me a curve ball. She asked, "Have you thought about delivery?" I couldn't believe she was bringing it up so early. I almost couldn't answer. Since M and I have only talked about VBAC a little and do not agree on it, I had her explain everything. The office lines up right with what I want. If I go into labor on my own, I can try to push the baby out. They will not induce me. I will have a C-section date scheduled. I am so happy they are supportive. I would LOVE to have a VBAC. I don't want to spend days in the hospital again. I don't want to deal with the recovery while having W and a baby around.

Of course, if it comes down to it, I'll be ok with another c-section. I'm not worried about it. They say planned ones are easier and recovery is better. And I'll have so much fiber in me that the poop thing is NOT going to be an issue (right?).

I think M feels better about it now. I'll send him some articles I have so he can be informed. His main issue is going through all the labor and pushing and ending up with the surgery anyway. It could still happen. But it won't be as bad as last time. If I do go into labor, we'll be at home for a while.

Telling our friends over the weekend was fun. We had W in a big brother t-shirt and lots of them didn't notice. They read the shirt and didn't get it! It was funny. We're slowly telling everyone now. I'm telling my coworkers at an office lunch today. M is telling his coworkers. I had W wear his t-shirt to daycare today. We still have to tell our siblings. We just can't get to see them! M's brother has been sick and my brothers are out of state (we'll see them in two weeks). I feel bad that they are finding out last, but they don't have to know that other people know!

Second Trimester!

Here I am! Thirteen weeks and three days. Officially done with the first trimester. I can't wait to not be sleepy. 

My appointment is on Thursday. I wish I could just fast forward and get there. I go back and forth between excitement and absolute grim fear. I feel like I made it worse by telling people over the weekend. 

I've decided the squirmy feelings are my complete craziness and I can't use them as a way to feel happy anymore. Will I feel better after this appointment? I will be 13 weeks and 5 days. I won't really be past the 14 week 3 day mark that I consider to be the milestone. But then again, I'm fairly sure that my November baby died right around 13 weeks. 

I'll probably be able to talk myself out of being confident after this appointment. I'm not going to feel good until I feel this baby moving for real.