Just go get another one!

Last week, my friend K’s dog died and she was pretty upset about him. That makes sense, I would be sad too. We’re not close friends – she is M’s coworker’s wife. We see each other a few times a year and she’s giggly and fun.

When her dog died, they hadn’t actually picked him up yet. They were in some sort of waiting period from the rescue center and the dog died of distemper. When K put a status message up telling the news and saying she was embarrassed about crying for a dog that she didn’t even have yet. I responded and told her that it was ok to cry and several other people expressed their condolences. M and I talked about how bad we felt for them. Sure, a dog and a baby are not the same, but we know the feeling of loosing someone before you even have them, before you get to make memories. I told M to check on his coworker the next day and tell him we were thinking of them.

A day or two later, K had a new photo up showing their new dog and talked about how happy they were.

If only it was that easy for all of us.

The dreaded mailbox

Last night, I got a letter in the mail from the hospital where I had my D&C. I thought it would be a survey about my experience or something. I like surveys! Every single person I dealt with at the hospital was wonderful and they treated me like family. I paid attention to this because my mom is a nurse and she is in charge of customer service (if you can really call it that – maybe it is bedside manner?) at a few hospitals. I was impressed and I wanted to be able to tell someone so they would know. I did talk to a nurse about that already, so I was a little surprised to get a survey in the mail.

Right, but that’s not what I got. I got a congratulatory letter telling me I was now registered to deliver! They had my insurance info all set! I just needed to send them $250 and I would be ready!

I also got another bill for the D&C, but I’m used to those and it didn’t bother me (as much).

I considered just putting the letter in the shredder, but I know I’d just get another one in a few weeks. I’m not ready to incur late fees on a bill for a delivery that I won’t have. So I called the lady and (thankfully) only had to leave a message. I barely got through the end of the account number before my voice started straining. I got a good cry out of this one.

How much longer am I going to get mail about this?

Old Age

Overheard in line for the bathroom:
“Did you see that guy I was talking to?” “Yeah, HOT!”“I KNOW! He’s TWENTY THREE!”
“OMG!”
“Right!?”

I guess that most people in the world don’t know about the beach mecca to drinking on the East Coast, but if you do, you should know that 29 and married is too old to be there. I have known that since I was 22 (when I was too old to be there).

The best part of the weekend was a fancy dinner on Saturday night. We picked the place because they had “1/2 price bottles of wine!” on the blackboard outside. We had a good time pretending to be high class, then went back to drinking bud light out of cans. I’d like to point out that we were not drinking Natty Boh out of cans before breakfast, though. Those were the guys next door.

Much Love

I finally got the balls to add myself to the ALI blogroll. Wow. I’m in the LFCA newsletter and all of the sudden I find all these women like me! Some of you have journeys that blow my mind – and all of you are amazing.

I only started reading blogs earlier this year. I don’t even know where I started, but I just felt better knowing that people out there are feeling the same as me.

I’ve come out of my comfort zone and started commenting (and I’ll continue). It feels just as good to give the support as it does to receive it… shouldn’t I know that by now? Well, I’m filled with warm fuzzies and feel all gooey because of it. I even found myself spontaneously smiling yesterday. This is definitely something good.

Thank you to everyone who lets down their guard and helps girls like me get through the tough times. I’m sorry we’re all here… but I’m grateful, too.

Welcome AF!

Back to normal! I haven’t been this excited to see AF in years. This was my first normal cycle since the D&C – 26 days, arriving within hours of when she was expected. Hooray!

The first AF was 11 days after my D&C, the second was 19 days later. I was afraid I’d be screwed up for a while – I’m so thankful to be normal again so soon. Right after the D&C, I knew I might not get AF for the first time until now. So, now I can cross that worry off of my list. Only 93,214,725 worries left!

Lonely

M was out of town for my first miscarriage. He was in Las Vegas for a bachelor party and none of his friends knew we were pregnant. I knew deep down that something was wrong with the pregnancy. My symptoms had gone away and I had even taken a HPT earlier in the week – the line on that test was much lighter than my first line. I knew. But I also knew that I couldn’t do anything about it. I had that first cramp early on Saturday morning, but no bleeding. I don’t know how I got through that day – I cleaned and had a friend, her husband and daughter stay overnight on their way to a family event. My friend was 4 months pregnant and so excited for me. I didn’t know how to tell her that I didn’t think I’d be having a baby. Sunday night, I had the awful bleeding all at once and it was officially over. I still didn’t tell that morning. My friend left mid-morning, so I kept a smile on my face and then prepared myself for the emotions. They came quick. I’d never felt despair like that (I’ve since learned that it can be much worse). I debated calling my mother in law. But I didn’t want to feel her grief – I knew I’d have to put on a happy face to make her feel better and I couldn’t do it. I needed to be sad and cry. I can’t do that in front of someone who only wants me to be happy. I debated calling M to get him to come home early. I looked at flights and saw that unless he was at the airport now, he’d never make it there in time to catch an earlier flight. So I didn’t tell him. When he called, I just told him that I had a headache and I missed him.

Looking back, I don’t know how I survived it. I went to pick him up at the airport and just having him in the car next to me made me feel like I would get through this. M would protect me and life would go on. I could breathe again.

M is away again this week. This time it is for work. Last night I tried to sleep, but my mind kept drifting back and I had to keep turning the light back on and reading to distract myself. I have trouble sleeping sometimes when M is home, but rarely for this long. Just having him next to me is like a calming drug. I miss him.

I'll take any reason, thanks.

My doctor called me this morning with some test results. Mostly everything came back. I have a heterozygous MTHFR mutation. I’m not about to try to explain it, but this means I have a hard time absorbing enough folic acid and I am more likely to get some blood clots. This is not as severe as other clotting disorders, so that’s good news for me.

I am supposed to take a baby aspirin every day when (if?) I find out I’m pregnant again. I need to ask about supplemental folic acid (don’t forget!).

While she was talking to me, she started talking about my thyroid and saw that the results from that test are not back yet, so I should be getting another phone call in a few weeks.

I happy there’s SOMETHING. I admit that my heart sank a little when she said that everything looks good. I’m not wishing that I had some huge health problem, but I wanted something that would give me some sort of answer. I’m willing to accept this one – there must be some reason my baby was perfect one day and then all of the sudden he’s gone. A blood clot seems to be a reason I can hold on to for now.

I feel pretty good now. I feel like there is something I can do next time (hopeful for a next time!) and I kept thanking the doctor as she tried to get off the phone with me. I feel like sending her a thank you note!

Beautiful Wedding

M and I went to the lake in upstate NY this weekend for my cousin’s wedding. I’d really been looking forward to this because she just decided to get married a month ago. This is hard to describe: this is the first big event where I hadn’t pictured myself pregnant. I thought I wouldn’t be as sad to be there.

We threw a small shower for my cousin, L, on Friday afternoon. She worked so hard with my shower and her sister’s shower – she deserved to have one of her own! She was completely surprised and couldn’t believe we had pulled it off so quickly! My dad made her a cake – it was a chocolate cake with gummi worms and Swedish fish in the center. That would take a lot of explaining to understand, but we spent our childhood digging in the dirt up at the lake. L loved it.

A girl showed up as the shower was ending with her 2 month old baby. I said hi and congratulations and then pretty much stayed away. I was watching M and some other guys play bocce ball when the new mom started talking (loudly) about labor and everything wonderful about a baby. My dad, the most wonderful man on the planet, came right over to me and distracted me. We decided to go back to the cabin and spend some time on boats. Later L asked me if I had seen the baby and I told her why I needed to leave the party. She told me it was a good thing I left because it only got worse. I don’t blame the new mom, she’s a nice girl and she doesn’t know my story. I’d be excited, too. M told me it was rude to leave the party so quickly. I kind of got irritated with him, I had set up the shower and been on the clean-up crew. Everything was finished and put away. The party itself was over and people were just standing around We were not the first to leave. I could have stood there and held in tears or I could get away and be with my parents.

The next few hours were some of the best of the weekend. I wanted to go out in kayaks and go around the lake (a small lake!) and my dad was going to go with me. He’s never been out in a kayak before! I convinced my mom that she needed to, just to witness this! She got in her kayak and my dad just pushed her out into the water... her paddle was still in my hand. We were almost on the ground laughing so hard! She had to use her hands to paddle herself close enough to reach me. Then my dad got in the biggest kayak we have. I pushed him out and the top of the boat was about an inch above the water. I have never seen anything like that – my mom wouldn’t let him stay out like that. He had no idea how to paddle, either! It took him a while to get back to shore. Awesome! So, I went out with my mom and looked back to the dock where my dad was getting a tiny rowboat out! He actually got in a boat on the lake and went around with us! I loved that quality time with them and we finally got to show my dad the little coves where my mom and I both searched for frogs and turtles when we were little. She was playing there in the 1950s and I was there in the 1980s. I hope that someday I can bring my children to the lake to play in the same place.

The rest of the time was kind of hectic – my cousin had a pre-reception the night before the ceremony. She didn’t like us calling it the pre-ception. The ceremony was Sunday morning, right on the lake. L looked radiant and the setting was gorgeous. The sky was a perfect blue and reflected on the lake. I can’t even describe it. I hope L realized how wonderful it was. After the ceremony, she got into a rowboat with her new husband and they rowed away…

Back to me and my feelings: I was the only one who brought up my miscarriage (at 3 different times) and on all occasions, the person I was talking to changed the subject or just stopped talking. I know no one wants to hear about it, and it was not a weekend to talk about anything sad, but I’m not thinking of much else.

Two Emotions

A friend from college emailed me last week to tell me she is pregnant with twins. She did everything perfect. She is still early in her pregnancy (I’m not sure how far along) and she wanted to tell me before she told everyone else. I read the email and I was hit with two emotions exactly at the same time. I was filled with joy for her. She let me know that they’ve had trouble getting pregnant and that made me even happier for her. I was almost bursting with happiness. At the same second, I was filled with grief for myself. How come other people are pregnant?? I’m supposed to be pregnant! I want my baby, I want to be the one who is happy. My baby is dead. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to have a baby.

Both of these emotions manifest themselves in tears, so I was sobbing for a good while there. But then I got it together and then wrote her back and told her all about the happy feelings I had. Everything I said is true. I wish her only the very best and I find myself thinking about her, her husband and those little twin hearts beating! She has an ultrasound this morning and I can barely concentrate while I say little prayers and send her so many little good thoughts.

I think the main reason I’m so excited for her is because I know she really wants these babies. When a baby doesn’t come easily, it is so much more appreciated. I know moms who had easy pregnancies and who got pregnant quickly and I know they love and cherish their children. But I’m happier for the moms who had to struggle to get their babies. You know how people say you can’t have sunshine without the rain? You can’t know how good you have it until you’ve known what it’s like to not have a healthy pregnancy. I’m happy for all pregnant women, but I’m happier for the infertile moms and the babylost moms. They are the ones who celebrate their pregnancies and are really grateful for what they have.

How are you?

Fine, thanks. I have my good times and my bad times, but overall I’m doing better each day. Thanks for asking.

See that! I’m getting better at lying! I’m usually terrible with this and everyone can tell when I’m not telling the truth. I can’t keep secrets from anyone. But I seem to be learning. The trick is to lie to yourself as well.

I don’t ever want to forget how I’m feeling now. What if this happens to one of my friends? I want to be able to remember exactly what I am going through so I can be there for her. I don’t want to just stop asking and stop letting her know that I’m thinking about her just because she says to me one day exactly what I’m saying to everyone now.

Here’s the truth: For the first week, I felt like I had a gaping, bleeding, exposed wound that hurt like nothing has ever hurt before. Then I went back to work and I had to spend 9 hours each day pretending like I was fine. It was like I had one of those tiny band-aids over a huge gash and everyone pretended not to notice. Every night, I came home exhausted and I would rush home to get the crying out before my husband came home.

The next few weeks were better because I told myself I was fine. No one talked to me about the baby and I never mentioned it. About a month after my D&C, my cousin-in-law talked to me briefly and it was like the scab had been pulled off and I’ve been having trouble ever since.

Now it has been just over 6 weeks and I feel like I’m barely alive. Things happen and I don’t even notice. For some reason, I keep thinking it is the middle of winter. I’m surprised every day when it’s 8 pm and the sun is still shining. I’m on some sort of auto pilot. I’m doing everything that is required of me, but I don’t even remember. M has noticed that I’ve been confused lately and I keep forgetting about little things.

I’ll be perfectly fine and in the middle of a conversation with anyone about anything and then someone will say “baby” or something about kids and I’ll completely lose it. It’s not like my friends and family are just sitting there whispering “baby” to upset me. They will use it in normal conversation and I will just be transported back to the doctor’s office. I don’t hear anything for the rest of the day. I’ll find my way to the bathroom and calm myself down and come back with a smile on my face.

Last weekend I was paying bills and I had to pay for our NT scan, which was not covered by insurance. I don’t care about that. I would pay twice that amount that all over again if I had the choice. But I messed up the check twice and we had two bills from the hospital and I couldn’t figure it out. Combine that with the inch of statements I have from the insurance company and I broke down. I had to hide in the bathroom for about 20 minutes to pull myself together.

I don’t want M to know how I’m not dealing well. He cares so much and he always wants to protect me. He can’t bring our baby back and he can’t stop me from thinking about it. I’m afraid that he won’t want to try again because of how much this is hurting me. I’m afraid the blood tests won’t find anything wrong with me and this will keep happening to me.

So, I’m not doing well at all. I feel like I’m living inside a dark fog and the rest of the world is going on without me. Still, 6 weeks later. Thanks for asking.

A trip!

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend, D, and I realized how different I am now. We talked about my upcoming vacation to Scotland. M and I decided to take this trip so I could have something to look forward to, I always need to have something to plan and think about and be excited for. It doesn’t take much. Sometimes I’m really excited about dinner. Just last night I was counting down the minutes to “I Survived a Japanese Gameshow!” This can get out of hand and sometimes I get so excited for a plane trip that I forget to get excited about the actual vacation. Several hours where I can just sit and read! What could be better! McDonald’s breakfast on the way to the airport!

Right, moving on.

So, M and I are waiting to try again until after this vacation. I told D this and she said something about how you wouldn’t want to be pregnant and on a cool vacation. Well, number one, I wouldn’t be going on this trip if I were still pregnant. Also, it never even occurred to me about how a pregnancy would inconvenience me on the trip. I am most concerned about miscarrying while sightseeing in the highlands. I don’t want to spend the entire trip afraid to use the bathroom. Who cares if I can drink wine (although I DO like to drink wine). Our first due date (September 10th) is in the middle of this trip. While I may be drinking as much wine as I can, I’ll also be wishing I wasn’t even there. A baby would be so much better.

In other trip-related news, M and I had a driving lesson last night. I’m not so, uh, confident when it comes to driving a stick-shift. I was told that we couldn’t do a 10-day driving trip unless I could drive the car we will be renting. We’ve tried this driving thing before and we’ve stopped each time because both of us were in tears (me – frustration, M – fear that his car will explode). I did ok this time and I decided to quit while I was ahead. I can stop easily now and I’ve gotten over my fear about rear ending every car in sight. But I’m a little rough on takeoff. I’m sometimes afraid to pull in front of traffic in my reliable automatic Civic. Now I’m just taking this a little at a time and I picture myself taking M’s car out for a spin just for fun! I will be a wonderful driver!

When I got out of the car last night, M almost cried again. But this was because I was drenched in sweat and it looked like I peed my pants. He wiped off the seat and laughed the whole way home.

Friends with Babies

One of my closest, most wonderful friends, R, had her second little girl yesterday. I’ve been friends with R since my first day of high school and she’s been everything you could ever want in a friend. Her first pregnancy ended before 6 weeks and she was devastated. I didn’t know what to do for her then and I probably wasn’t as supportive as I should have been. Looking back on that, I feel pretty bad.

She was the only person (besides M) who knew about our first pregnancy, and she was actually at my house when it happened. I didn’t tell her about it that morning, but I did later on and she kept checking on me and making sure I was doing ok. And the second time, she was still there and still rooting for me. All this time, she’s been pregnant.


I don’t have that normal jealousy/nauseous feeling when I think about her pregnancy. I’m not sure how I don’t, but the only feeling I have when thinking about her new baby and her pregnancy is happiness for her. She was wonderful about talking about the baby after I lost mine. I actually had to ask her for details, and then she gave me exactly the right amount. She’s amazing, and I’m lucky to have friends like her. I’m still not sure when I’ll go see her and the baby. I was worried that she would have a boy and I’d never visit, but with a girl I can see myself up there in a month or two. I’m not ready yet.

I have other, wonderful, supportive friends – and I wonder how a girl like me ended up with this great circle of girls. But, hey, I’m not complaining!

Back to me and my feelings… I told my MIL last night that our baby was a boy and I filled her in on all the blood tests I had. Then she started walking towards me. I actually yelled, “Don’t hug me, please!” but she still did. I tried so hard to keep myself from breaking down when I was telling her everything, but she kept at her goal of making me cry as much as possible. So I had to sit there sobbing for a while. The whole time, I could hear M and his brother talk about soccer and pretend we were normal.

The blood letting

Around 1:30 yesterday, I realized that I was sitting in the blood drawing room at my OB office and I was reading a book about vampires. I had to laugh a little at that because I didn't want to pay attention to what was going on around me. The Tech had a huge list of tests in front of her and she had to look them all up because she had never seen some of them before. I learned all kinds of new stuff about blood tests. Each test has to go in a specific color tube. Some tubes need to be frozen. Some tubes need to be mixed and some need to be separated. I had all of these. She had to go back and get a second set of labels for my blood tubes.

I can't watch the needle go it and I can't watch my blood drain into the tube, so I occupied myself by trying to count the vials. No good! You try to think while your life force is getting sucked out of you (well, not that bad, but the vampire books are really getting to me). I counted somewhere between 13 and 19. Some were pretty small, so the amount of blood wasn't that bad.

I'm happy about the amount of tests I'm getting done. I feel like we might be able to come up with an answer. I tried to remember the ones she looked up, but, again, losing blood = no memory. One was Factor II something and one was for Lupus. I tried to look these up, but got confused by the medical terms. Really I just want to find something that says, "Here's your problem! You can fix it so easy! Take this pill, and have a great next pregnancy!"

Stupid clothes

I have a love/hate relationship with shopping. I love shopping for *stuff* like holiday decorations (I LOVE holidays) and silly gifts, but I’m not a huge fan of shopping for clothes. I don’t fit in anything. Short legs, long torso, big on top (which is nice for some things), ugly ankles, etc. I did an awesome job yesterday, though. I got 11 new shirts (2-3 for work, the rest are casual), 2 belts and a pack of socks. Most of my casual clothes are t-shirts (I’m almost 30!) and I needed some nicer things to wear. I’m happy with what I got, I’m wearing a new shirt today and I feel cute.

However… there’s always a however. I saw a pregnant woman in the parking lot and got mad that I was shopping for normal clothes. You know those cute, flowy shirts that are all loose in the waist and look really adorable on skinny girls? Well, they look pretty dumb on a big-chested girl who used to be pregnant. They looked ok, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to wear any of them. They made me sad just to put on – how could I wear that in public? I know this is kind of self absorbed, but when people see me they will feel bad for me because it will look like I’m wearing maternity clothes for no reason. So everything I bought is kind of form fitting. No loose shirts for me!

Baby Boy

My doctor called me yesterday morning to tell me the results of the chromosome testing. I chose to do this because I want to know a reason why our baby died. But she didn’t have one, the baby was perfectly normal… a little boy. We wanted a boy so much and knowing this brought on a whole new wave of grief. He’ll always be on my mind, and it feels so great to be able to say HE and not call my baby an it. I’m happy that we know, and I’m happy we made a boy, but now I miss him more than ever. Seeing little boys is just going to break my heart for a long time. I know that some people name their babies, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do that. He doesn’t need a name for me to remember him, he’ll just always be my little baby boy.

I guess the chromosome testing came back with good news. Nothing was wrong with him, so maybe the problem is with me. I’m going in on Thursday to have blood drawn and they’ll do all kinds of mad-scientist tests to see what’s up. I hope that will give me some answers. I don’t really want to have some kind of weird blood clotting problem, but I’d like to know a reason and I’d like that reason to be something I can manage. I have to wait 4-6 weeks to get the results from that test.

Tonight I’m going shopping for some new clothes. I hadn’t bought anything new in anticipation of being pleasantly chubby for the summer and my clothes really need some spicing up! Luckily Kohl’s moved the maternity section over to the baby area, so I won’t even have to see it.

The beach weekend

M and I went to the beach this weekend to spend time with my parents. They are in the process of building a house down there and they are having a great time picking out all the stuff that goes with it. I used to work for a builder, so I wanted to see how the houses are built and my parents are very concerned with the siding color. We spent 15 minutes in the car while my mom took pictures of the lot. My dad had to keep moving the car to get it out of the shot and tried to get my mom to stand on the car to get a picture of the view. The guys working on the house next door just stopped and stared at them the whole time. My parents haven't embarrased me in years, but they came close this weekend.

One evening, we went to my aunt's house to have some drinks. Most of my dad's family was there and we had a nice time talking to them and watching them get drunk. My aunt (she's about 70) came up to the bar and picked up a drink and smelled it, "That's water! That can't be my drink! Where's my drink???" We didn't talk as much as giggle at the old folks.

At the end of the night, M and I were leaving with my parents and my cousin's husband came out with us. He stopped us and said that he was so sorry about our baby and that he'd been thinking of us. I just started crying and couldn't stop. It was part sadness, but part gratefulness that someone had said something. Everyone just acts like nothing happened, but it's all I think about. I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about how different it should be. I should have been sitting on the beach all wrapped up with a cute belly instead of trying to hide some fat, I should have spent a few hours going through the baby departments at the country stores instead of avoiding them, I should have smiled at the babies playing in the sand instead of sitting so I couldn't see them. My parents and I carefully didn't talk about where we would put a crib in the new house.

I have a boring week ahead, but I'm looking forward to going to see the Orioles play on Thursday! I don't really watch the game, but the Old Bay Crab Shuffle between the 3rd and 4th innings is AWESOME!

A Strange Calm

I've been feeling pretty good and at peace lately. I have moments of feeling sad and missing our baby, but I haven't been crying a lot. It's like part of me has accepted that it's not the end of the world that I won't have a baby in November. My life is not over, we will be trying again. We will have a baby someday, just not as soon as I thought.

Part of this is because I try not to think about it at all. I am trying so hard to keep myself distracted. We've been planning our Scotland trip, we're going to the beach this weekend and my cousin is getting married over the 4th of July weekend. I have plenty to keep my mind busy. Whenever I start thinking about baby stuff, I just stop and change the subject in my mind. If I find myself sitting around and doing nothing, I get up and find something to do. I don't even lay in bed for long on the weekends now.

I'm not sure if this is the way I'm supposed to grieve, and this could all come crashing down on me soon. But I'm not the type to drag out crying about anything.

On Monday, I got some statements from my insurance about my D&C. So far the bills have added up to about $2000, but most of it was covered. I don't know how much I actually have to pay yet. I also got a bill for my NT scan, which was not covered at all. That bill upset me a lot - it cost me almost $400 to get our last view of our baby alive. It was worth it and I'd do it again if given the option.

The same day I got all the bills, I also got an issue of Parents magazine. I turned it over so I couldn't see the cover. I have a container under the bed with all my maternity clothes (mostly unworn) and baby stuff. I'm slipping the magazines in there. Someday I'll be able to pull them out and read them and be excited.

But for now, I'll just look forward to reading a book on the beach this weekend.

The long story of me...

I wanted to get a little background so I could write freely about what is going on with me now. This ended up being ridiculously long, but it’s everything! Here is my story (so far):

My husband, M., and I met in college. We bought a house together in December 2003. He proposed in October 2004, we got married on a beautiful day in January 2006.

We started trying for a baby in November 2008. I got my first positive test on December 31, 2008 and drank sparkling juice at the New Years party. I had a bad feeling right from the start and when I miscarried on January 10, 2009, I was terribly upset, but not surprised. I thought that was the worst day of my life. M. had been out of town for the weekend and I had to tell him when he got home. The doctor advised us to wait one cycle and to try again.

We got pregnant right away and I knew I would see that positive line on March 4th. Every appointment for this baby was perfect - perfect heartbeat at 6 weeks, perfect size with arms and legs at 10 weeks, perfect NT scan at 12 weeks. Then I went in for my 14 week appointment. This time I wasn’t nervous – I even had a good blood pressure check because I was so calm. The doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat with the Doppler and I got a little worried. Then she did an external ultrasound and we couldn’t see a heartbeat. She rushed me to the hospital grade ultrasound and we could see a perfectly formed, still, silent, baby. I could see every detail, even a tiny ribcage - but no heartbeat. M. came with me to the 6 week appointment and the NT scan. I told him he didn’t need to come to this 14 week appointment because we were doing great and he was so busy at work. I had to call him to come meet me at the doctor’s office.

I was given two options. I could take some medication and wait it out or I could have a D&C. I opted for the D&C as soon as possible. My 5 week miscarriage was unbearable. I don’t think I could handle this one – also, the doctor wasn’t actually giving me the option. She said it was possible, but not something she recommended.
We went home from the doctor and broke down. It was such a strange feeling. I felt fine; it was a beautiful May day. But I wasn’t actually pregnant anymore. My stomach started to feel like I was carrying a lead weight around. Each of us called our moms – just remembering this brings back so much sadness. Both of them were devastated. My dad called me in the afternoon and just cried on the phone. That has to be one of the worst moments of my life. But it was also a time when I realized just how loved I am. That afternoon I took all of our baby stuff and put it away. Better to do it then, while I was kind of in shock, then to do it after the D&C. I didn’t want to come home and see the reminder of the baby everywhere. The hospital called me to tell me I’d have to be there at 7:30 the next morning for the surgery at 9:30. I had two Cytotec pills to take at 3:00 in the morning (the pills soften your cervix, making the surgery a little easier for the doctor and a little easier on you).

That night was awful. I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I threw up before bed. M. was so worried about me. I wasn’t allowed to eat after midnight, but I probably didn’t have any food or water after 6 and I had thrown up the little dinner we had.

The surgery was way easier than I thought. We arrived at the hospital where the check-in and blood draw went easy. They sent me back to the pre-op room by myself, which was hard. I had to get changed and sit and wait by myself for a while. I cried off and on, the nurses and the anesthesiologist came and went. They were all so nice to me. A chaplain came in and gave me some information and held my hand while I cried. Eventually, M. was able to come in and wait with me. The doctor came in and gave M a list of prescriptions and I started getting some medication through the IV. I remember being in the operating room, but not much past that. I woke up in the recovery room and I can’t even describe how good I felt. I was tired and I was still upset, but my body didn’t hurt anymore. I was fully hydrated from the IV and I had a great deep sleep. My legs were a little sore from the stirrups. M came back after a little while and I was able to eat a little and get dressed to go home. We were home before noon.

I had the D&C on a Tuesday morning, and I stayed home from work for the rest of the week. I cleaned the house, we went to Harper’s Ferry for a day, and we had some friends over for a cook out. Everything seemed so normal.

One thing that I am so thankful for is the support from our friends. We received flowers from my coworkers, M’s friends and M’s aunt. M’s coworkers pooled together to get him a carryout gift card. One of my coworkers sent us a gift card for a steak dinner. My friends sent us a huge box of cookies. M’s mom gave us a book about grieving and a prayer angel. My parents gave us a tree to plant. We also received so many emails, texts, facebook messages and cards. The outpouring of support was what kept us going. I’m still getting that support from friends who are still finding out. I know I’m lucky to have these kinds of friends.

It’s been 2 weeks and 2 days since my D&C. I’m physically 100% healed. The doctor has given me the all clear for normal activity. My AF returned and seemed normal to me (and to the doctor). She said we could try again in two cycles. We’re still waiting for the results of the chromosome testing on the baby – hopefully that will come back with some answers.

Deciding what to do after the test results will be my next step. Until then, I’m looking forward to a weekend at home, dinner with friends and perhaps a trip to a small beer garden on Saturday evening.

The First Post

I suppose I could start off with the story of me and what defines me and why I’m writing, but really I just need to get some things out first. Maybe I’ll continue writing and maybe this need to spill my guts won’t last more than a week.

Things that I will never get to do again:
1. See a pregnancy test and be filled with joy and certainty that I’ll have a baby in 9-ish months.
2. Tell people about a pregnancy and have them automatically think all those happy things. I’m sure their first thought will be “I hope this one works out” or “what will she do if she loses this one, too?”
3. See the joyful expressions from my mom and my mother in law and all those other women I love when they here I get pregnant.
4. Sit calmly in the waiting room of the OB office.

Things I will not get to do this year:
1. Decorate a huge belly like a pumpkin.
2. Spend warm summer nights lounging on the deck and dreaming about our baby.
3. Look at new moms with babies and smile and think about how that will be me in a few months.
4. Spend Thanksgiving full of joy and passing around an infant to family members.
5. Wear maternity pants to Thanksgiving dinner because no other pants fit and I want to eat everything in sight.
6. Take a picture of a sleeping baby in a stocking for my Christmas cards.

Things I get to do that I’m trying to get excited about, even though I wish I couldn’t do them:
1. Spend warm summer nights on the deck with a glass of wine.
2. See the my college team play nearby on the day after my due date.
3. Black Friday shopping with my best friends for the 15th-ish year in a row.
4. Go see New Moon as soon as it comes out.
5. Go to Scotland on a tour of castles with my husband.