Everything C-Section

This is my c-section preparation post. You know how people sometimes tell you that they are telling you the "Stuff no one tells you?" They are lying. This is for real - the stuff absolutely no one tells you. Some of this is TMI. Be ready!
Last updated: October 13, 2013
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What to pack:
Regular pillows - this is on every list, but I need to add it again. Bring your own pillows!!!! We had one for each of us. That would be the bare minimum.
Boppy pillow (or whatever) - I couldn't really move myself around, so moving me, pillows and a little baby to different positions was a lot of work. If I had my boppy, I would have had a much easier time with the nursing, just getting in the right position was enough work!
Drawstring pants - Maternity pants all have the elastic band really low (right at the incision) or have the elastic high and a seam right at the same height as the incision. Drawstring pants are perfect. You can wear them all high and look funny but the don't touch the sensitive area. At 2 weeks, I could wear maternity sweatpants or pants with the low elastic. I can wear the jeans (with the high elastic) if I wear a tank top that is long enough to protect me from the seam. Not that it hurts, it is just funny feeling.
Dry Erase marker - My room had a board where one nurse wrote her name and the date. That was one of the best things. We usually had no idea what day it was. And then I could ask for my nurse by name when I called the nurses station. None of the other nurses did it because they didn't have a marker. You could even bring your own like you had on your door to your dorm room.
Tank tops - The hospital gown is crap. You'll have to wear it until the IVs come out (because you can't put shirts on over the tubes), but then you will NEED your own clothes.
Nursing bras - Again, you'll be there for several days. You'll want your bras.
Pen and notebook - You'll want to write down what is happening, visitors, notes about appointments and all that stuff. Also, the nurse will give you a confusing sheet to keep track of nursing and diapers. That sheet is ridiculous. Keep track your own way so you won't be all confused when they ask questions. The nurses don't seem to realize you are on crazy drugs.
High fiber snacks - You'll thank me later.
Husband - Get yourself an amazing one. Mine held my leg back during labor, hugged me while I was in pain. Held our son when I couldn't. Changed all the diapers for the first few days because I couldn't stand. Helped me take a shower. Took me to the bathroom. Changed my pads. Walked slowly with me at home. Gave me an enema. He is amazing.
What not to pack: Your own socks. I took socks. They are in the trash now.
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Preparations before you go in:
Take a breastfeeding class. Know as much as possible before your baby is born.

If you have stairs in your house, get duplicates of everything: Butt paste, nipple cream, wipes, whatever and have a huge stash on each floor. They tried to tell me I could only use the stairs once a day... and I live on a 3-level townhouse. I had to ignore that advice.

Eat a high-fiber diet for a week before... lots of whole wheat and activia yogurts! Get that system primed!

Purchase stool softeners and some other supplies. Maybe a suppository or a mineral oil fleet enema. They might come in handy and there's nothing worse than sending your husband out for these things when you need them.

Find some fruit paste and have it ready. Bring some to the hospital! Have some at home! I had my MIL bring me one activia yogurt each day I was there. (Thanks to Katie for her post on dealing with the c-section constipation)

Get your pump supplies sanitized and read the manual. I had to pump at the hospital and at home. Somebody told me to get it all ready beforehand and I am so grateful.

Make sure your husband knows (and agrees with you) about your birth plan and breastfeeding plans. He is the one you are going to lean on the most, and he will be the one making decisions when you can't. He'll also be the one in the trenches with you afterwards, so it's easier for both of you when he knows what you want.
Here's a resource all about c-section stuff: ICAN - International Cesarean Awareness Network.
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After surgery:
Get out that notebook! Write down all the drugs you are getting and their dosages and timing. I had some nurses that would bring me drugs at the right times. Others wouldn't give me anything unless I asked. I was on Oxycodone (spelling?) and some sort of ibuprofren mixture that made a good strong drug. The oxycodone helped the pain and the ibuprofren helped the soreness. They are two very different pains and I wanted to stay ahead of them. I usually knew which one to ask for, but I would have done better if I had the schedule written down.

Make sure you are getting stool softeners.

Get out of bed as soon as they will let you.

Walk down the hall to get your own water.

Don't eat like a pig - don't eat food that will stop you up. If the hospital food isn't what you need, have someone bring you something better.

If you are close to your mom or mother in law (and don't mind them seeing your boobs), have them come visit you that first day and help you. My husband had never changed a diaper in his life and he was overwhelmed at first. I couldn't get out of bed, so I wasn't any help. I called his mom and she came to spend some time with us. I only did this because she is amazing - I wouldn't have called a mother in law that wasn't completely supportive.

On my last day, the nurse gave me some pads to put over my scar to keep my clothes from rubbing on it. Awesome. I had about 1 weeks worth and it made wearing pants easier.

Also, right before you go home, find out when you are due for medicine and how much. Don't forget about medicine in all the excitement of going home. It will haunt you in the middle of the night. Get your prescription for the heavy stuff - I wasn't going to, but I needed it 2 or 3 times. I skipped the motrin and just took advil so I could take less than 800 mg as needed. 

Talk to the lactation consultants every day. They will have different ones, so try to get to all of them. You will learn something new from each one. The second one you see will contradict something the first one said. Listen to all of it and make the decisions for yourself. They are not in charge of you or your baby - you are.
Stand up for yourself. You are going to be in the hospital for a long time. You are going to have multiple nurses looking after you and multiple nurses looking after your baby. In a perfect world, everyone would have the same idea and opinions on breastfeeding and basic baby care as you and you'd all work together as a team. That is not my experience, and it hasn't been the experience of most c-section moms. I hate to say it (because my mom is a nurse and her friends are lovely people), but my situation was us vs. them. With a typical vaginal birth, you are out of the hospital after one night, but I was there from Tuesday at 8 am to Saturday at 3 pm. I posted about my care here. I am happy that I stood my ground about the breastfeeding, but I'm not happy about the way I was treated. I don't think that you should go into the hospital looking for a fight, but I do think that you should educate yourself as much as possible on breastfeeding and basic baby care so YOU know your own opinions. Look into a supplemental nursing system. It's hard to stand up for yourself when you don't know what you want to do. And it's even harder when you are in a post-surgery fog and haven't slept in 3 days. You are not yourself in those early postpartum days.
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Here is the story of my actual surgery: 

Warning! This is about an unplanned c-section after labor. For a planned c-section, click here.

The lead up to surgery was a little crappy. I had to stop pushing, but I was still having contractions. The anesthesiologist came in and made me drink a little cup of something gross. M got dressed in the scrubs and I pretty much laid on my side and whimpered to my mom until the OR was ready.
I was a little afraid. I always heard that you could feel pulling and tugging. I was afraid that I'd feel pain. And I was feeling more than I was supposed to - the doctor was pricking me with a sharp thing on my stomach for a while and I kept telling her that I could feel it. The anesthesiologist was surprised and gave me some stronger drugs. He was a very nice man and talked to me a lot. This is where I stop remembering some things. I remember M walking in and sitting next to me. Then I remember hearing a baby crying and looking over my shoulder and seeing a tiny hand sticking up from the baby station in the corner. Then I somehow knew I had a boy. M told me that he was allowed to come in and saw them opening me up. He claims the anesthesiologist told him it was a boy and then M told me. He also says that he saw W pee all over the place when they were cleaning him up.
Once W was cleaned up, M was able to hold him. I just laid there and watched them look at each other. M got pretty emotional (and of course I did, too!). Every few minutes, M would peek over the curtain and tell me I was still getting stitched up. I could feel little tugs, but nothing painful. And I actually didn't care at all what they were doing to me.
It took about 5 minutes for W to come out and another 45 min to an hour to get me all back together. I have a horizontal incision just above my pubic bone. It is about the length of my hand. I was sown up from the inside and I had steri-strips on the outside. For the first day, I had a big bandaid thing across my belly.
Once I was finished, they gave me W to hold while I was wheeled back to my room. I cried the whole time. We arrived back in our room and our parents came in. M took W into the alcove and the nurse pushed on my belly to get some gunk out. I felt gross (it did hurt a little). I got more pitocin to contract my uterus and some antibiotics.
I could lift my butt off the table almost immediately, so they took me to my post-partum room right away. This was when they took W to the nursery. They need to see the baby within 2 hours of birth, so away he went. I missed him.
I had a catheter and IV in for the first day. I didn't move from the bed and that was ok with me. I was in a little pain, but the IV meds kept me feeling good. In the afternoon, a tech came in and told me I was getting out of bed. She didn't give me the option. She was great to me. I told her I was afraid of the mess and she said it wasn't a big deal and she would clean it up. I walked to the bathroom (slowly) and made a mess. I cleaned myself up - which was very strange with the catheter and IV and everything. But I felt much better. Getting in and out of bed took forever because I could barely lift my legs. It's amazing how much you use your abdominal muscles!
Later on (I can't remember when), I got my catheter out. That meant I had to go to the bathroom on my own. That first time was a little rough. It didn't hurt to pee, it was just hard to get there. At the end of my pregnancy, the pee sensation had kind of changed to just pressure. It was the same way after the surgery. I didn't really know when I had to pee. I kept an eye on the clock and made sure I went every few hours. I had to pee in a container and I filled it up every time.
My IV got taken out sometime, too. But they left the port in. That was annoying. After a day or two I told them I needed it out. It was catching on everything and making me crazy. I learned that if you are annoying about something, the nurse will take care of it for you. But you have to be annoying.
Nurses would check my incision and my vital signs every few hours. I had a huge gas bubble in my abdomen and they would tap on it. Sometimes they would push on my belly (that hurts). One doctor came in and told me she was checking my incision and she ripped off the bandage. She did it quick and I am thankful. Holy crap, that would have hurt a lot more if she had taken her time. I was able to move a little more after that.
Coughing was the worst. I could not cough unless I had help. M would roll up a blanket and hold it against my stomach so I could cough. I felt like me body was going to split in half. It didn't. After the first cough, it got easier, but it still sucked. It was able to cough normally in about a week. The nurses gave me a thing to breathe into to make me cough. I did not use it as much as I was supposed to. (thank you jill for reminding me about this!)
Once I was on pills, it got harder to get my medicine. I had to ask for it and they would ask me about my pain level. This is why I wish I had written down my doses and times I could take everything. I would wake up at night in pain and I don't like that.
The rest of my hospital stay wasn't really about me. I basically took care of myself (except for getting medicine). My mom helped me take my first shower. M helped with the second. I dressed myself and started walking around in the hallways. Walking is the key and the only way to get better. WALK!!
One week after the surgery, I still hadn't pooped. I was in pain. I called the doctor and they told me to take stool softners. I said those weren't cutting it. She said to get suppositories and if that didn't work, to get an enema. I skipped right to the big guns (I was crying because of the pain at this point). M had to give it to me. Then I labored in the tub for about 1.5 hours until it happened. This is where childbirth class came in handy. It was gross. But I felt SO MUCH BETTER. I was alive again. I didn't need a second c-section to get the poop out.
The doctor pulled off the steri-strips at my 2 week checkup. She told me I could drive again.
Four weeks later, I'd say I'm at about 90%. I was so lucky to have the doctor I had. Lots of nurses told me she was meticulous with her surgeries and I can tell. I could walk just fine within a few days. I can carry my baby in his carseat. I can go for long walks. My incision does not hurt at all anymore, but the area above it feels funny.
Here is more on my postpartum care.
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A final note: Only one thing matters in this whole world: That little baby. This sounds like total BS: No matter how much pain I was in, the second my son was in my arms, all of that pain was gone.
Also, I'd do it all over again. Even the poop part.

What a difference a year makes

I'm working on the rest of my birth story and hospital stay and I'll post those soon. But I just realized that my blog is a year old. Wow. I never, ever thought I would be here now. Last year I was sitting in my cold office writing to calm myself down so I wouldn't cry through the day. This year I'm in my cozy basement rocking a baby to sleep to give me a few more minutes here.

I'd love to have that first baby here with me now, but I would never, ever change what I have now. I am so in love with this little guy. He's everything I ever dreamed of and he's made me fall in love with life all over again. He's worth all the pain from last year.

I started reading blogs and got some hope from girls who were on the other side. I wondered what it would be like to not worry about losing a pregnancy anymore. Now here I am. I'm a success story. You can be afraid for 10 months and get through it with the support here. It is possible.

I'm still afraid. I wake up constantly during the night and listen for his breathing. I reach into the bassinet just to touch him and feel his chest rise and fall. I'll never stop worrying about him.

Thank you again for getting me to this side of the rainbow. I hope all of you will be here soon.

Baby W's Post-partum story

One thing I didn't mention in my last post - The doctor talked to me after the C-section. I would have needed it no matter what. He was kind of stuck in my pelvis with his chin and shoulder wedged up together and he wasn't going to come out that way. So the surgery wasn't a result of pushing too soon or the induction. It was all about his position.

This is kind of jumbled. I tried to keep it organized, but I honestly can't remember everything that happened during our hospital stay. I remember being tired and walking around with my nipples exposed and wearing mesh panties.

So I left off right with my little boy being born and being sent to post-partum. We arrived in our room around 3:30 am Wednesday morning and I have no idea what happened for a while. I know W arrived back around 5 and I was able to try to nurse him for the first time. It worked! It wasn't great and he didn't eat a lot, but he did what he was supposed to and I was satisfied that he got something. The nurses helped me and stuck around until he was done. They put him back in the little bassinet while he was still awake (around 6 am) and I could see his little face through the plastic (good job designers on making those things clear!). I just stared at him for the next half hour until he fell asleep. My mom left around 6:30 to go home and rest. M was passed out on the little pull out bed and I was just there, knowing I needed to sleep... But how could I?

I'll talk about my medical care in the c-section post - I want to get it all in one place, but I couldn't really move at all the first day. I had to shout at M to wake up to give me the baby because I couldn't poke him or reach anything to throw at him (M, not the baby). M's mom spent the day with us just for moral support. She helped M with the diapers and kind of guided us on the basic steps. We were tired. Both sets of my parents came in to visit. We had doctors all over the place. It was a huge blur. M and I had no idea what day it was.

Some of the nurses were great and some were not. I was not thrilled with the baby nurses. I understand that the baby is their priority, but they treated me like a feed bag. None of them cared what I had just been through. This sounds whiny, but when I cried at the thought of a baby nurse showing up in my room, something must be wrong. In fact, I'm tearing up a little now and it's 3 weeks later. I had one yell at me because I wasn't nursing enough. When I told her about the last time I fed him (3 hours earlier) she said "Well that's your problem" in a very agitated way. Then I spent the rest of the night having my vitals taken every hour because I had elevated blood pressure. I had them yell at me because I had the lights too low. I had another one yell because I was feeding him when they needed to take him to the nursery. I KNOW and AGREE that my baby was the most important person, but I wish I had been treated like a person, too...

On our last night (what was supposed to be our second to last night), W got dehydrated. My milk wasn't in yet and he was a big baby, so he needed more food. We spent the whole night awake. All three of us were crying off and on. By the time the morning came, we were all stressed out and scared. I don't even really remember what happened. I knew I wasn't giving him anything. His mouth was dry and he would only sleep for a few minutes at a time. M would hold him, I would hold him... nothing would work. I said something to my nurse about wanting to supplement him and she came back with a bottle of formula. I politely refused. But I wonder what would have happened if I had been a younger, less educated woman? Would I have taken the bottle and then given up on breastfeeding before I even tried? What if I didn't know my options? How many other moms give up at this point? I was upset and crying even more about this. I'm the type to always follow rules and listen to people in authority - it was hard for me to say no to this nurse! I did eventually get a hold of a baby nurse who was great (the only one I liked) and she set me up with a SNS (Supplemental Nursing System). I used it at the hospital and at home until Sunday (Day 5) when I finally started getting some milk. They also gave him some formula in the nursery to rehydrate him. I don't know if they used a bottle or not. I don't want to know. All I know is that I cried a ton and felt like I didn't deserve to have a baby. I felt like a failure. Once we started the supplementing and he was calm again, we were all much better. And ready to get out of the hospital.

Saturday morning (Day 4), I started telling every person that came into our room that I was ready to leave. We were going home that day. I couldn't take one more day in that room. M and I had been there since Tuesday morning (he'd been home twice to shower and get stuff). I was tired of getting woken up by people coming in constantly to check me or the baby. I was tired of calling the nurse to give me medicine. I was tired of the bed and the low chairs. I wanted to be home and to get our life started! And it worked. We were discharged at 3 pm and home by 4.

I cried when I got home. W slept. It hasn't all been easy since then, but the good times are better than I imagined.

Baby W's Birth Story

This took forever, but I didn't want to forget a thing. It's rough to stay away from this little face for too long, so most of this was written with my foot rocking a car seat and that little face giving me dirty looks whenever I stopped! Now he is snoring!

Things are going pretty great now. He's eating a ton and gaining weight like a crazy guy. Nursing is exhausting and I can see why people give up. Nipple sheilds are my savior - I have inverted nipples! Who knew! That does not mean they are innies, it means they retract when I squeeze my boob. He's sleeping great and has a fun little personality. This is wonderful.

So here's the birth part of the birth story. It's long and doesn't even begin to describe they whole experience.

We woke up around 6 am to get ready for the induction. I had cheerios and water for breakfast. It wasn’t very satisfying. I wanted to eat a lot, but the instructions I had said to eat lightly that morning. I should have ignored that! I went to the bathroom shortly before leaving the house and saw that I lost my mucus plug. Hooray! Labor would happen in a week or two!

We arrived at the hospital around 8 am and I was in a room and hooked up to the monitors by 8:10. The weather outside the window was grey and steamy – we were looking out over a bunch of roof vents. M was freezing and I was sweating. The baby’s heart rate stayed in the 130s and 140s and I was so relaxed knowing it was ok and I would be seeing my baby soon! My IV went in at 9:12 and Pitocin started at 10:10. They upped the Pitocin drip at noon and stripped my membranes. I believe I was up to 3 cm at the time and the contractions were barely noticeable. We watched HGTV for a while and read. I tried to nap, but I was so excited. M and my mom got some lunch and ate it in front of me. The nurses kept saying that I could eat whatever I wanted as soon as the baby was here. I wanted everything I saw advertised on the TV.

My contractions started getting more intense around 1:45. They were getting painful and coming in regular waves. I decided to hold off on the epidural a little longer. Then I started crying through contractions and my nose would get stuffed up (I was still recovering from my awful cold!) and I wouldn’t be able to breathe and I’d start coughing. Those three things would send me into a panic. We decided I needed some pain medication at 3:00. I had a student do my epidural, but a real anesthesiologist was there with her. M and my mom were sent out of the room (that made me sad) and I was left with the nurse. She did a good job of calming me down and getting me into the position I needed. I am grateful for her doing that. The worst part of the whole process was the numbing needle. Everything else was painless (except for the contractions I had while they were working on me). I also got the catheter put in and that broke my water fully. It was gushes and gushes and felt gross.

The epidural was great for about 2 hours. Then it wasn’t great anymore. I was having strong contractions that I could feel down my right leg. We learned that epidurals are gravity fed afterwards… I had been propped up on a pillow at some point for some reason, so the medicine didn’t go all the way to the right side. Bummer.

At some point, the alarm for the epidural pump kept going off saying there was a kink in the line. I sat up and they inspected the whole thing, but no one could find the problem. Hearing that alarm go off was driving me nuts!

Around 7:30, I decided I wanted to push. They checked and I was close to 10 cm, so I just had to wait for the doctor. Someone opened the epidural pump and saw that the kink in the line was inside the pump, so that got fixed. The medicine wasn’t at 100%, but at least it was something. I could feel that I was having contractions, but they weren’t crazy painful. I was also scared out of my mind. M and my mom were right by my side holding my legs in the position I wanted and giving me love.

The doctor showed up and we were pushing. It took a few tries to get the hang of it and then I was an expert. You know how I knew I was an awesome pusher? Because I pooped the ENTIRE time - with every push. The poor nurse. I could feel it. It was funny and gross. Mike said it was not as funny as I thought. At some point I told the nurse to shut up. The blood pressure cuff would tighten during the contraction and I would lose the ability to push. I was sweating like crazy and my last push with every contraction turned into a scream. I pushed with the handle bars, I pushed holding my own legs, I pushed with the tug of war. I pushed for over 3 hours. No dice. I could tell when the head was close because M and my mom would get so excited and tell me to keep pushing. But he wouldn’t come out. The doctor finally called it off. I was getting tired and the baby couldn’t be having too much fun, either. The heart rate stayed wonderful for the entire time, so that was good to know. They checked out the OR and we had to wait for an emergency c-section to finish before I could go in.

At this point, M got pretty upset. I wasn’t afraid or anything, but I imagine it’s pretty traumatic to see someone you love go through all this at once. That 1-hour (plus) wait was rough. I still had contractions and the baby’s head felt like it was going to explode out of my butt. I made the nurse reassure me that I didn’t have hemorrhoids. She said I didn’t. That made me feel better. So the contractions were killing me and M took pictures. We have a great one of me in pain and him all dressed in scrubs and smiling.

I went into the OR first. M had to wait for me to be completely numbed up before he could come in. I remember them sticking me with sharp things to check my numbness. I kept feeling it. They were surprised and just gave me more drugs. Then I was very happy and very numb. Suddenly, M was next to me. I was happy to see him. Then I looked over towards the baby area and I could see a small hand reaching up into the air. I had no idea the baby had even been born. I could not believe what I was seeing. M told me it was a boy and just cried. I just remember being so happy. After a few checks, M was able to hold him while I got sewn up. I could feel little tugs, but nothing bad. Who cared what they were doing to me. I had a son! My husband was holding our baby! M got pretty emotional (who wouldn’t!). I think it took more than 45 minutes to get me all back together. We just looked at out little boy. He was wide awake and so beautiful.

The nurses put him in my arms to get me back to recovery. I cried the whole time. We got back to my room and M went to get the grandparents from the lobby. He didn’t tell them anything except that we were fine and happy. They walked in and I introduced them to their grandson. The grandmas screamed and cried. I cried. M took the baby into the room alcove to meet everyone while the nurses finished some stuff with me. They pushed on my belly some more and changed some pads and got me ready to leave labor and delivery.

W had to go to the nursery at 2 hours old. I hated seeing him go. I wasn’t allowed to try to nurse him (it makes sense now – so many drugs!). I also could not have anything to eat or drink. I had to beg for ice chips. They tasted like heaven. Once I was able to lift my butt with my own power, I was moved to post partum where I would stay for the next few days.

We're Home!

[adorable picture removed]

[family picture removed]

Hi Everybody! I can't post much, but I wanted to say thanks for all the congratulations!



W was born at 12:10 am on May 19th. He is 8 lb, 6 oz and 21 inches long. He is a dream come true. I had a long labor with 3 hours of pushing when my doctor decided it was time to stop. When she went in with the C-Section, he was stuck with his head and shoulder all wedged together. He came out screaming and is a very healthy little boy.



We had some issues with feeding, he was so big and my milk wasn't coming in. We supplemented with some formula (with an SNS system - look it up - pretty cool) and it looks like I had some of the real stuff today. I'll have the full story at some point. I can't go up and down stairs a lot and the computer is int he basement, but I'll get it ALL on here.



Thank you so much for all the support and love. I can't wait to catch up with everyone else.



xoxoxo

He has arrived!

Hello, all! Cheryl's friend here! So happy to have some great news to share. Cheryl had a baby boy named W at 12:10 am May 19th. He was 8lbs 7oz. Based on some late text messages, I believe she had a c-section and is doing fine.

Cheryl wanted all her bloggy friends to know that her new buddy arrived as soon as possible. I am so happy for them. Cheryl and M will be wonderful parents to this little guy and we love them so much!!!

Away we go!

We're getting ready to leave for the hospital. I can't believe the day is here. One year ago today my world was ending and today I have a whole new beginning.

I'm the happiest girl in the world.

40 Weeks and 4 Days

I don't have anything new to say, just checking in to say that I have nothing to say. I always get excited when bloggie friends are close to (or past) the due date.

I do have a buddy lined up to let you guys know when the big event is complete. We must be the only people on the planet without iphones or laptops. Maybe that's a good thing...

40 Weeks and 2 Days

Four more wake-ups until induction. I'm scheduled for 8 am Tuesday morning and it can't get here fast enough.

After this post, I'm taking myself for a walk. I don't have any fears that the baby will start coming out while I'm walking, so I'm ok with going while home alone. I feel dumb that I used to worry about that.

I don't have much else to talk about. The baby is moving fine and I'm cranky and uncomfortable. My Father in Law gave me a nasty, sinus-y cold. So I'm kind of grateful that we don't have a baby right now. When my MIL found out that I got sick, she went ape-shit on FIL. You know that scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie's mom asks him where he heard the F word and he blames it on Flick (or Swartz... I can't remember)? And Ralphie's mom calls Flick's mom and you hear Flick's mom start beating him with the phone? That's what happened to my FIL yesterday. Poor man. It's not like he was trying to give me a cold. Now she's all doom and gloom about M getting sick, but mostly about her getting sick and not being able to touch the baby.

The thing with this cold is that now I feel all protective. No one is coming near our little family without a doctor's note saying they are healthy. And maybe I'll make everyone wear surgical masks. I'm absolutely in misery and I'm 30 years old. Imagine being 30 hours old and getting your first head cold.

So that's my update. I'm cranky. I'm sick. I'm still pregnant.

40 Weeks

Hi! It's my due date! Where's that baby???

The good: I've made it to a fully cooked little (big?) baby! We're both healthy and happy. One of us is a little too happy... I am fully prepared to have a child in this house. I have cereal now.

The bad: Well, it's my due date and the baby is still in my belly. That's not why I was counting down to today!

The ugly: Me. I'm not in too bad shape, but I know poor M must think I'm gross. I'm just really a huge lump of sweat and farts that has to pee a lot. He's being nice and pushing my butt to help me get off the couch. But I'm gross and I know it.

The Appointment:
I did not gain any weight this week. This is the first thing I've had that I can find on my "what happens before labor list" that we get in childbirth class. The Drill Sergent told us that we would stop gaining weight or loose a little right before we have the baby. I am pretending that it doesn't matter that this was a morning appointment and I usually am in there right after lunch.

I measured myself with the tape before the doctor got in there because they never tell me where I am. It said 39 weeks. M said that means I have another week. I told him to never talk to me again. Then the doctor came in. She said I measured on time. I am 3-4 cm dilated and the baby is "way up there." So that's progress and I know I won't have to worry about going to the hospital and having them tell me I'm at a 1. That would suck.

I asked her about work and told her I stopped going on Friday. She said to just leave the disability forms at the front desk and they'll get them filled out for me. That's a great thing. Now I won't feel (semi)guilty about not working this week. And I can get another week out of my very crappy short term disability.

Then we started talking induction. I wanted to go as soon as possible. She said Tuesday. One of us is a doctor, so that person wins. I am currently waiting for a phone call from the nurse to get that scheduled.

Then for the fun! I got a Non Stress Test, which was awesome. I got to curl up in a huge comfy recliner and listen to the baby's heart beat for 20 minutes. M got to sit with me on a wooden chair. He had to pee, but he was afraid he'd miss something. So he just sat with me the whole time. I called my mom so she could hear the monitor and she liked it. The doctor took a look at the chart and pronounced us good. The heart beat was steady the whole time.

Next was an ultrasound to check the fluid. The baby looks SO different now. I couldn't tell what anything was, not even the head. We were on an old machine, so you can't really see much anyway, but she measured the fluid pockets and checked the position. Everything is perfect.

I guess I couldn't ask for anything more. We're both doing great, so there is no need to induce me now. That's a good thing (I keep telling myself). And with this much dilation... I could still go at any time (right?).

The emotional stuff: So, May 18th (Tuesday, induction day) is exactly one year since we found out our baby died. The worst day of my entire life. I could be leaving the hospital with a new baby one year after leaving with no baby. This is kind of hard for me to take. I told M I didn't really want the baby born on the 18th or 19th because those are bad days for me. But I also think that maybe it will be ok... I mean, it's like having a baby on Sept 11... it brings some good back into that day. Something positive.

The Waiting

I'm happy to say that I'm not bored out of my mind. I am enjoying these days of relaxing and cleaning at a slow pace. This morning I am going to give the kitchen a good cleaning and do some vacuuming. Then the house will be as clean as it can get (except where I look down right now and see where M tracked leaves in from the grill last night... men!).

I had one "contraction" feeling thing this morning at 5:45. But still no other signs that anything is happening.

M and I feel like we're getting ready for a camping trip, but we don't know when we're leaving. We've stocked the house with non-perishable items and I'll make a trip to the store again today or tomorrow to get a few more things. We have enough meat in the freezer to last 3 weeks. Does it matter that we live 1/4 mile from the grocery store? That my mom will be here with us? That we have M's family 5 minutes away and amazing neighbors who would get us anything we need? It's a complete unknown out there. Our lives are going to explode with change this next week and we have no idea what to expect. I deal with it by cleaning. M deals with it by... um... not really doing anything different.

So here's to waiting and drinking all the raspberry herbal tea I can handle. At least all the sugar I put in it is keeping the baby busy!

39 week appointment

So why is it that the girl who weighs me always thinks I weigh less then 150 pounds when I get on the scale. I am 2 pounds lighter than my husband right now. I always have to tell them to bump it up another notch. No way is that 100 pound notch going to work.

I peed all over my hand this time. It is the worst I've ever done. The problem was that I'm so hot and sweaty that I didn't really notice. I got very little in the cup.

We had a long wait in the room today and we didn't have much to talk about. M doesn't have much to do at work (good thing!) and we haven't been doing anything really interesting. So I just sat there and sweated all over everything. Once the doctor had me lay back for the check, I had to stand up to peel the paper from my butt! M helped me get the little shreds off after she left. He thought this was the funniest thing ever.

The big news is... no change! Still 2 cm, still 80% effaced. We are to walk, drink raspberry herbal tea (I hate tea), and have lots of sex. If I make it to my appointment on Wednesday, we'll talk induction.

39 Weeks

The Good: I have a lot of good this week. I’m more comfortable now than I was last week, which is weird. The baby changed positions – it had been facing my right side and seems to now be facing my back. So I’m balanced now, not carrying the baby all on my left side. Rolling over in bed is a LOT easier and I’m sleeping more than 2 hours at a time. I have 3 days (including today) left of work.

The Bad: I’m mad at everything. Time is crawling.

The Ugly: I cut myself shaving this morning. It’s not like I was using a real razor or anything, I was using a little trimmer, but I guess those things aren’t completely safe when you cannot see what you’re doing. Eh, oh well. It’s not like I did a good job anyway. And I know the doctor doesn’t care.

I walked 2 miles last night and then drank a big glass of pineapple juice. I was in a little bit of pain after the walk, but nothing that felt like it could be labor. It was more like “I’m going to head butt you in the privates for moving around so much!” pain.

I don’t get to walk tonight because M invited some neighbors over for dessert. They had us over for dinner several weeks ago and he feels that we have to reciprocate ASAP (or we never will). At least I talked him out of making dinner for them. We’re going to have ice cream cones on the deck. These are very nice people with a 7 month old. But I just want to sit on the couch and be cranky.

And thank you so much for all your supportive comments over the past week. I seem to jump all over the place in my moods and you guys understand. I love you for that.

One year ago

It's so weird to think back to myself a year ago. May 4, 2009 was the last time I saw my little boy alive on the ultrasound screen. It was such a great day. I remember calling our parents and squealing about how cute he was. We knew he'd here in November. We started telling everyone. I now know that he passed away a few days later, while we were still sharing the happy news.

I am not where I thought I would be now. I'm not sure how I'll feel as the actual anniversary arrives. I hope it turns out a lot like his due date, where I felt that he would want me to be happy with all the great news I was having. I hope that I'll feel at peace on May 18th and feel him looking down at us as a new little family of three. He won't be the one we'll be hugging and holding and loving, but he'll be in our hearts.

Of course, I still have a tiny voice telling me I'm not out of the woods yet. This baby still has to make it to the day it (finally) decides to be born. Then the delivery has to go well. And all the other unknowns have to line up. I'm afraid. But hopeful. And looking forward to something great.

Done cooking

My craziest fear is about to happen....

Behold the popped belly button! Gross!

Waiting

9 days until my due date.

I’m starting to believe I will be pregnant forever. This is where my complete lack of patience is starting to show. Every time I have any kind of little pain, I wonder if this is the beginning. It never is.

My plan for the weekend was to walk all over the place and do all kinds of labor inducing things. M would not participate in the ones he would be useful for… he said the baby isn’t ready yet and blah blah blah.

I have lots of little things from the weekend:

I met up with an old friend for dinner on Friday. I hadn’t seen him since 2006! We had Pho (Vietnamese soup made out of salt and beef and noodles). We were sitting around talking when I realized that my feet were exploding out of my shoes. Salty dinner plus hot day…. Oops!

We went to a sheep and wool festival on Saturday with the neighbors. It was a great time. I had Pit Lamb. Do you know how good Pit Beef is? Multiply that by 100. Wow. I did get to walk all afternoon and I wasn’t even that miserable! I had to wear normal shorts (I’m not about to go buy any more clothes!) and I had trouble getting them over my thighs. I did not see any pregnant sheep. Could you imagine being pregnant with something that has hooves???

Sunday was too hot to go outside, so no walking. Maybe tonight?

My bag is packed with a list of last-minute items sitting next to it. All of our windows are painted. My to-do list is still full of tiny things, but they are not anything that needs to be done before the baby comes.

Just waiting. Trying not to complain!

38 Week Appointment

Ugh, no change.

But I guess that's fine. I don't think I can get much more than 80% effaced.

The doctor couldn't tell how dilated I am because my cervix was moving around. What does that mean??? She didn't seem concerned, so I'm not either. I'm just happy that she didn't keep trying!!

I am negative for Group B Strep.

I wonder if anyone will notice if I take a nap now. It's not like I'm being productive with work!

38 Weeks

The good: A healthy moving baby. Nothing can be better than this!

The bad: I’m uncomfortable and sleepy all that stuff. But it’s not going to last forever.

The ugly: I’m getting afraid again. I spend so much time just being thankful for what I have. The May birth board is full of sad stories right now – it seems so many babies are suddenly not moving and the moms have to go to the doctor knowing what they will hear. Each one breaks my heart and can’t imagine just starting this journey now – and with a heavier heart. I’ve started avoiding the board because of the sad stories. I shouldn’t complain about any of my minor aches and pains. They don’t matter.

Tomorrow is my 38 week appointment. My MIL wants to go with me since M is in training. I don’t want her to go. I know she would love it, but I’ll be getting an internal check and sitting there with that paper towel that cannot cover me anymore. She said she could come and just sit in the waiting room… I don’t know. She stresses me out because she constantly voices her fears about things. I can’t be the one to calm her down when she is stressed out about MY labor. If the baby is having a good day tomorrow, I’ll be fine. If the baby is quiet all day, I’ll ask her to be there in the waiting room. She’s not really the person I would want by my side in case of bad news… but she’s better than being alone. She’s a great person, but I would feel the need to comfort HER – that’s too hard.

Nursery Pictures

Here are a few pictures of our little nursery. It is a tiny room in the front of the house.

The cute crib and the froggie pictures. I kept a calendar from 2007 to use in the baby's room. I think it looks so good!

My changing table. Am I actually looking forward to changing diapers???

Another view of the room with the new bookshelf and the glider. It all just barely fits!

Childbirth Class 4

I graduated from childbirth class! Hooray!

I don’t have much to say about the last class. We had a pediatrician come in to talk for a little while. She was nice and talked about the normal stuff. I didn’t agree with everything she said, but I liked hearing her opinion on things. My mom was with me (she’s a nurse) and she asked a few questions. She already knew the answers to the questions, but she’s also an educator… so she asked for everyone else.

Then we went on the tour, which I did with M a few weeks ago. Nothing new there. I cried when I saw a baby. My mom liked seeing everything and knowing where she had to go.

We finished the nursery on Sunday (pictures soon!) and installed the car seat. I sterilized all the breast feeding equipment. I love it! My house looks like we could have a baby in it soon!

M is away this week for his training and I’m holding the baby in. I’m emotional about not seeing him and feeling good about the baby not coming during this week. We’re almost halfway through! He’s stressed that I’m going to call him in the middle of the day and he’ll miss the birth. I told him not to worry. This trip is so strange. His old job had a lot of travel, but it was usually half-way around the world. I couldn’t talk to him for long, but we could email because he had a blackberry. This time, he’s still in the same time zone (and really close – I used to have a longer daily commute!). We talk a few times a day. Four nights isn’t really that long. Just two to go!