7 weeks

Part of me will feel relief if we don’t see a heartbeat on Tuesday. This is a very small, scary part of me. But it’s there and I need to talk about it. It’s not because I don’t want this baby. It’s because if I lose it now, I won’t lose it at 14 weeks. I won’t lose it after I fall hopelessly in love with the little blinking blob. I’m trying not to think about it, but things like this pop in my head in the middle of the night. I’ve be weighing another D&C vs. drugs. I’ve been trying to get stuff done at work in case I’m out for the rest of the week.

But… oh man, if something is there. I’m crying just thinking about the possibility. I can’t even think about that. I don’t even want to let myself hope that much.

Today I'm 7 weeks. I feel like crap, which is a great thing. Less than 32 hours until the appointment.

Update on my craziness

I’m feeling better. I’m not convinced that everything is great, but I’m not throwing away the prenatal vitamins, either. I had a little boob pain in the afternoon and that helped me calm down. I’m not going to call the doctor. I just want to fast forward to Tuesday afternoon.

I think I feel better because of the support here. Thank you! I’ve said it before, but I am so thankful for this community. Thank you!

Afraid

My symptoms have disappeared. My chest feels perfect - no pain at all, not even when I twist and squeeze or do anything. The slight nausea before breakfast has been replaced with just plain hunger. But the biggest thing that scares me is the little voice that came out of nowhere last night and told me that it was over.

Any of these things, taken separately, is nothing to worry about. But all three at once is bad news for me. This is exactly what happened to me the first time. That was on a Tuesday and I was bleeding Saturday night. I don’t know what to say to my husband. My body is telling me there’s no hope. Even my normal optimist has left me alone.

I do not have cramps and I do not have any bleeding. Technically, I have nothing to worry about. I don’t want to cause a scene, I’m just saying what is the reality for me right now.

I don’t know what to say now. I’m not trying to get reassurance or pity from comments. Just keep me in your thoughts.

On birth boards...

I joined a huge pregnancy/baby website last November and I loved it immediately. I loved how many people were also TTC at the same time as me and how often they would talk about what I was thinking.

Then I joined (and left) the September 2009 birth club. Then I joined (and left) the November 2009 birth club. I was hesitant to join the May 2010, but I did it anyway. And wow, they are always the same.

I think I commented on one post of the huge birth club, but I mainly try to stay away. I’m so far removed from the typical early pregnancy chatter. The threads talking about names and c-sections are not anything I can think about now.

Sometimes I’ll see a post “Is this normal?” and the girl will be asking about some pain or some symptom going away. I want to say that it happened to me and at my next ultrasound everything was fine. But, given my history, would you want to hear that? That would probably make me more nervous. So I don’t say anything. I’m a lurker now. Not even a lurker, I just read the titles of the posts and roll my eyes and leave. Maybe that will change if I reach uncharted pregnancy territory.

I’m not totally avoiding the boards, of course. I’m also a member of a board for girls (and one guy, actually) who lost their November babies. The group is a huge comfort and supportive. I do like it there. It’s one of the few places (like this blog) where I feel safe talking about all these crazy feelings.

What are your experiences with birth boards?

6 weeks

I realized over the weekend that my due date (May 17th) is one day before the one-year anniversary of the no-heartbeat appointment. It is possible that I could have the happiest day of my life right around the time of the worst day of my life.

Of course, this also means I could have a really shitty day right before I celebrate the anniversary of another shitty day.

As for now, everything seems to be going well. My boobs are finally starting to get sore and I even felt a little nauseous this morning! I’m 6 weeks today and my first appointment is in 8 days.

Vacation Pictures

Here's a little blurb about our vacation. I got a little distracted and forgot to tell you guys anything!

We had an amazing time. It really was a once in a lifetime trip. We spent two days in Edinburgh, then rented a car and drove through the highlands with a stop at Loch Ness and then down the coast and back over to Edinburgh. I got the itenerary from Secret Scotland. We didn't follow it exactly but we did use a lot of their advice and there's no way I could have done that all on my own.

I have about 800 pictures. I'm pretty sure you're not interested in all of them. Here is a sample:

The Queen's home in Scotland, Holyrood House

Inside of Edinburgh Castle.

I really liked the cows there.

Kildrummy Castle

Cawdor Castle (someone actually lives here)

Urquhart Castle, on the Shores of Loch Ness

Linlithgow Palace, from the inside courtyard. Easily one of the best we saw. We could have spent all day here exploring different rooms. Amazing.

The castle hotel where we spent our last night.

Tests and Telling

I am going to get blood drawn this afternoon to check my thyroid. The doctor’s office called back to say that the lab never ran that test. The nurse told me I could just wait until my appointment (1 week and 5 days from now!) to get the test and that would be fine. I agreed and hung up. Then I remembered that I had just left a comment somewhere telling someone to stick up for herself – this is your baby we’re talking about! So I took my own advice and called them back yesterday morning. I expected to have to beg, but she said that was fine and I’ll be going in today at 1 pm. She did make it clear that I just wanted the blood draw – not an actual appointment.

M might be in Hawaii longer than anticipated. His coworker had to come home early because his girlfriend is in the hospital with a blood clot in her brain. I can’t imagine his flight home – that so much time out of contact with her. We did get news that she is doing well now. I’m sure having him back has helped calm her down! So, M and the other guys will stay at least an extra day to get the work done. That’s disappointing for me, but I’d rather he stay one day than the other guy to have to go back.

Now, on to my next dilemma! I talked to my Mom last night and I struggled with the conversation. We talked about my trip, but I had to kind of skirt around M not coming home until Sunday night. I CAN NOT lie to my Mom. This includes lies of omission. Example: My brothers and I got together one weekend to get a family portrait done as an anniversary present for our parents. For the weeks leading up to the picture, I could only talk to her in short bursts. She wanted me to meet her for shopping on the day we were getting the picture done and I stumbled over trying to tell her that we might go to dinner with a friend. Like I’d dis my Mom for dinner with people I see every week! Right, so last night she brought up M being on the trip. Normally, when he is away over a weekend, I go right up to their house and enjoy just sitting around with them. I LOVE that. Also, on September 26, her friends are having their wine harvest (it’s a small vineyard and it takes about a half day to pick the grapes and crush them -very fun). My problem is that (1) I’m a huge wino. She’ll know the second I say I’m “too tired” to drink. Right. (2) I’ll tell her my secret the second I see her. I’ll be shifting my weight and get goose bumps and spill. (3) Even if I could fake it for one day, I’ll be up there over night. I can’t last that long.

I want to tell her. She had a miscarriage before me (at 13 weeks) after trying for over a year and then had to try for another year before she got pregnant again. She is wonderful. I hate keeping this from her. But telling my parents that our little boy didn’t have a heartbeat was the hardest thing I have ever done. That was harder than dealing with it myself. My dad cried. I can’t do that again. I’m crying right now just thinking about that. I know I’ll be risking it if I do see a heartbeat, but I need to see it myself (and have a little hope myself) before I risk hurting them again.

Other than that, all is normal.

Maybe hairdressers do know everything...

I made my first appointment: September 29 at 4 pm. If the stars line up correctly, I could be 7 weeks at that point, so we could see a definite heartbeat. I still don't "feel"pregnant at all and I wonder if I'm making everything up. I took another test this morning and it was the darkest I've ever seen (one of the internet cheapies).

I’ve told two friends, but I need their support. And they understand why I’m so scared and they didn’t call me crazy when I told them I couldn’t talk about the future of this pregnancy. If we see a heartbeat, I don’t care who knows. I waited until the end of the first trimester last time and that didn’t save me from any heartache. I’m not going to make grand announcements, but I’m not going to pretend to drink either.

I got my hair cut yesterday. That’s a big event for me – I hate the feeling of that cape wrapped around my neck. I feel like I’m going to die for the entire 20 minutes. Anyway, the lady told me that my hair is thinning on top. This isn’t a surprise to me, I’m a ponytail every day girl and my grandmother used to tell me that I would be bald like my dad if I didn’t stop. Several stylists have told me to stop pulling my hair back. This woman told me that’s all crap and I should have my thyroid checked. She asked if I had any recent hormone changes (check) and I spilled the beans about this pregnancy. When I had my million blood tests, one of them was for my thyroid. The last time I talked to my doctor, she said those results hadn’t come back yet. So I called this morning and left a message asking about the results. Hopefully she’ll call me back soon.

I know you have a picture of me in your head now with a comb-over. It’s not that noticeable! Stop staring at me!

An Accidental Surprise

Well, where to start? I’ve been trying to catch up on my Google Reader these past few days. You guys have been busy.

I do have a ton of pictures and a ton of things to say about my awesome trip, but that’s going to have to wait.

Of course I have guilty feelings about publishing this. I’m so sorry if reading this brings you any kind of pain. I’ve cried at the news that people are pregnant and I’ve cheered at the news. I hope you will cheer for me, but I understand the tears and I do wish you all the best.

I guess I’ll go right into it. We left for our trip to Scotland on Wednesday. I expected AF on Saturday, Sept 5. I had packed a ton of “supplies” because I didn’t want to have to find a store and use unfamiliar stuff. I’m very brand loyal and I don’t like the unexpected. On Saturday, nothing happened. That was fine, I decided with the time change and stress of travelling, I could be a little late.

On Sunday I was in denial. We stayed at a place that had pink toilet paper, so that tricked me.

On Monday I realized that something must be up with me. I told M that we needed to stop by a pharmacy. We were in Inverness (that is the city next to Loch Ness) that night and that’s enough of a city to have actual stores. I bought a 2 pack of Boots brand (think Rite-Aid) tests. I was still in denial. There’s no way. We didn’t touch each other at all during that open window, just like we had decided.

This is what I saw on Tuesday morning. Holy crap. These tests always confuse me, so the positive line is the vertical line in the square window. The control lines are the vertical line in the circle window and the faint horizontal line in the square window. I went to two different pharmacies to find the prenatal vitamins, folic acid and baby aspirin. I calmed down once I had everything.




Thursday was my first due date, we talked about it a little, but we were crazy busy and we were overwhelmed with this news. I highly recommend going somewhere on your due date. My mind was so full with the sightseeing that I couldn’t dwell on what we’d lost.

I thought I would be scared out of my mind. But, no… I would describe myself as completely numb. I refuse to think about the future. It’s not as hard as you would think. When my mind starts wondering, “how far along will I be…” I stop on specifically think about something else. It’s working great so far. I am taking this one pee break at a time.

I’m not even going to start with the fears I have about starting vitamins and folic acid late, going to the dentist, taking allergy medicines, and downing the whiskey!

The main reason I was in denial is the complete lack of symptoms. The last two times, I knew I was pregnant before the tests. My chest was aching at about 3.5 weeks. They are barely starting to hurt now, and it is just little twinges every few hours. I tell M each time I feel some pain and he looks reassured. Other than that, we don’t talk about it at all. I will now go back to not thinking about it. I’m going to call the doctor today at lunch and get my first appointment.

M left for Hawaii this morning. I’m 5 weeks today. I will pass my first milestone of 5 weeks and 3 days on Thursday. He comes home on Saturday. Due date is May 17th. Try not to think about it!!!

On Holiday!*

I’m leaving for my consolation prize trip tomorrow. I am both excited and nervous. The only thing I am really afraid of is the driving a stick shift on the wrong side thing. So I might take a round-about in the wrong direction. Or maybe somebody will rear-end me when I stall out. In either case, my driving troubles are mostly when I’m trying to get moving, so the accidents will all be low-speed. Hooray!

My first due date, September 10th, will come and go while we are driving from Oban to Inveraray (Two towns I had never heard of before this trip). I’m sure I’ll feel a little melancholy, and I’ll probably cry a little, but I’ll be fine overall. I think I have come to terms with that loss. After all, I only knew about that pregnancy for 11 days, and I never really had a good feeling about it. I knew it wasn’t going to work out after a week. I know that pregnancy wasn’t successful because something was very wrong. I have a cause (a vague cause, but obviously, that egg and that sperm were not going to make a person). I can talk about that pregnancy and not cry.

So, pregnancy #1, I miss you and I’m sorry you are not still with me. But I understand why you aren’t here. I’d still rather be in labor and screaming in the hospital instead of being out on this trip.

* I was going to call this "ON VACATION, BITCHES!" but then I didn't. I'll be back on September 12th. I'm not fancy enough to update while I'm away. I'll still be thinking of each of you every day. I hope to return to news of a great first ultrasound, a BFP, a happy post about how you are sent home from the hospital because your twins are doing so amazing, and other great news.

Maybe you could share it with me

Today I am urging all you beautiful infertile or sad mommas to go out and buy a Mega Millions ticket. We all beat some great odds before, so at least one of us should be able to win something, right?

My baby died somewhere between 12 weeks 3 days and 14 weeks 3 days. We’ll go with my chance of miscarriage for that pregnancy being 5%* (I’ll ignore the fact that it was my second miscarriage). Odds of winning any prize in the Mega Millions drawing: 1 in 40 (that’s 2.5%)!

Do you see what I’m saying here? We have all been on that small side of statistics before – we should take advantage of it. Go get ‘em!

*Please avoid reading this data. I'm only linking this so I can remember the source. Going further into the stuff on this chart is downright depressing.

14 weeks post-pregnancy

Today is a milestone of sorts. It has been 14 weeks and 3 days since the day I found out my baby didn’t have a heartbeat. I was 14 weeks and 3 days pregnant… and then I wasn’t anymore.

I used to say to myself that you had ½ the time you were dating a guy after a breakup to get over him. So, in my mind, I should be over this (twice). I should be moving on.

This past weekend I was able to be happy and do all sorts of things I wouldn’t be able to do if I was still pregnant. I wouldn’t have been able to go tubing behind a speedboat. I wouldn’t have been able to go to three great wineries with some great friends. Last Saturday, I laughed more than I have since May. I was smiling so much and I was happy. I didn’t forget about my baby, but I didn’t feel sad. I missed him, but I was so happy to be where I was right then. That’s progress.

I fell back into my funk on Monday, though. M has confirmed the trip to Hawaii. That pushes our baby making schedule out an extra month. I am rationalizing with myself that an extra 26 days isn’t going to change my life that much. And it won’t. This isn’t a big deal. But it means I have only one chance to get through November 13th with the hope of a new pregnancy. But, hey, I’ve been through worse, right?

How a picture of Africa made me feel better

Yesterday, I got even deeper into my funk of jealousy and sadness. I went to a picnic for M’s office. His boss (the brand-new dad) was there and looked so happy and excited. He even still had the hospital bracelet on because he was headed back to his wife and baby. I was nice to him, but I couldn’t manage much more than a brief hello and congratulations. After walking around for a few minutes, I sat down with some food with the people I know. Then I closed myself up and concentrated on my food. I didn’t look up at all because one girl, Mrs. S, was just a few feet away from me.

Let’s pause briefly while I fill you in: I haven’t talked about her at all on here yet. I can’t seem to say anything nice so I’ve avoided it. Mr.S is M’s coworker (seriously, do I talk about anybody besides his coworkers? Do I have my own life?). Mr.S graduated from college last year and left his girlfriend, Mrs.S, behind to come start work. He went down to visit her a lot and it seemed like they had one of those drama filled relationships. They broke up early this year and Mr.S seemed to be doing a lot better without her. Then they got engaged. Mrs.S found out she was pregnant from a brief reconciliation. She graduated and moved up here with him. They got married a month or two ago. She is due the first week of November. I can’t talk about this much more because I will just spiral into the whole “it’s not fair, I did everything in the right order, I wanted my baby, etc…” rant that we all know too well. I don’t think I need to say how I my jealousy is out of control when I think about Mrs.S. So just thinking of her makes me feel terrible. I have told M several times that I don’t want to be around her. I can’t handle that. Oh, and add this to the mix: After my D&C, Mr.S sent us the nicest most perfect sympathy card in the world. I am a terrible, hateful, spiteful person.

So back to yesterday. There she was, right in front of me in a cute maternity dress with her perfect round belly and Mr.S smiling like the proudest dad-to-be in the world. I swear bluebirds were sitting on their shoulders. And there was me, all oozing green with a raincloud over my head. I ate as much as I could and then ate some more. Eventually, M came down to sit by me and I was able to focus on other conversations. But that didn’t stop me from hearing bits from the conversation nearby between Mr.S, Mrs.S and the boss. Mrs.S (because she is both thoughtful and kind) had brought presents for the boss. Then they all left and I felt a little better. But not much. I couldn’t bring myself up enough to be a fun picnic person, so I took myself home to wallow.

I did some crying and laundry then sat down at the computer to wait until M came home. I went onto facebook and started looking at some pictures that my friend posted. She went to Africa and one picture is just of her looking over her shoulder and smiling with a sunset in the background. It’s beautiful – she looks like she’s smiling right at me. I just stared at this picture and cried. I can’t describe how much better I felt just thinking about her and my other friends and remembering that they love me no matter what. I might not have a baby, but I have them. I am so lucky.

Little Miss Jealous

M’s Boss’s wife had her baby this morning. He announced the pregnancy the day I went to the doctor to confirm my 1st miscarriage. So I might connect her pregnancy to losing that one.



I’m filled with the evil green jealousy monster. I wonder if my skin is getting a nice shade lettuce or if that is just the reflection from a green book nearby. I am oozing with the stuff. I want that to be me. I want it so bad. I can’t even leave a little message of congratulations because I’m afraid everyone will see right through it. You envious little ogre.

What the hell is going to happen to me when these November babies are born?

I'm annoying myself, too.

Just a few minor vents today. I’m still cranky about my steroids. I’m starting to think my bad mood will be permanent. I’ve also chewed all over the inside of my mouth like an e-tard.

You know what pisses me off? Tom Brady. You are a jerk, Tom Brady. I’m sick of US weekly being filled with pictures of Gisele’s baby bump. You both frown so much and I bet this baby wasn’t even planned (US weekly hinted that you are disappointed). I dislike you in a strong way.

I have a few friends (and a few parents) who send me every email forward ever. I’m getting tired of it but I will never say anything to them. Today I got one about how terrorists are going to attack airports in the next month. I assume this means I will get blown up on my fancy trip. Thanks for putting a damper on that! Don’t worry everyone: snopes.com (I love you!) told me that this latest prediction is from July 2005. I’m calm again.

In other news – I have a list next to me with the possible 4 trips that M could be sent on over the next 2 months. All of them have him at home during that oh-so-important time in October. I feel like I’m using him.

And the decision is…

No. We’re not going to TTC early. I brought it up at dinner last night and M thought it would be a good idea. For about 1 second. Then he started shaking his head and said that we can’t try early. He is afraid we’ll lose another one, and he’s not comfortable taking that risk. “The next time you get pregnant, you’re not leaving the house.”

I can’t be mad at him. I really want to try now, but I really am afraid that I’ll miscarry again and then I’d have a terrible case of the what-ifs. I’d blame myself for rushing. I really would be scared the entire time that the stress of a strange location and the flights would hurt a baby. Waiting is the right choice.

I have some hope though: The actual contract for the Hawaii work trip is not approved yet, so maybe no one will have to go (or it could be rescheduled). M also hinted that his coworker (the dad-to-be) might still be interested in going on the trip. So who knows. Keep your fingers crossed!

I feel a little lame complaining about this. I know I’m very lucky to be able to have this vacation and the opportunity to choose when we’ll TTC again. I’m grateful for that.

The big decision

I’ve talked about my big vacation a lot on here. I need to think about it all the time so I can stay excited for something. The big plan is to enjoy our trip and then come home and get right to work on making a baby. Our trip is from September 2nd to September 12th.

M told me last night that he will probably have to go on a work trip from the 13th to the 19th of September. He doesn’t want to do go for normal reasons – we’ll get home from Scotland on the afternoon of the 12th and then he’ll leave for Hawaii* on the morning of the 13th. That is a lot of jet lag. He works with two other guys who could go on the trip, but one of them is already scheduled for a trip that week and the other will be a brand new dad (his wife is due this week) and shouldn’t be away for a whole week.

So, it looks like M will be gone over those critical few days. I’m disappointed. I’ve really been looking forward to getting back on the roller coaster. Missing our try in September means we’ll only have once chance to get pregnant before November. Waking up on November 13th wouldn’t seem so bleak with a baby on the way.

I’ve been thinking for the last week or two that maybe starting a little early would be ok. I could substitute this cycle for the try in September. If it doesn’t work, I could easily convince myself that it wouldn’t have worked in September, either.

Let’s make a list.

Trying in August – Pros
1. A May baby! Perfect weather!
2. Taking a pregnancy test in Europe. Is the positive line on the wrong side over there?
3. Congratulations! Ye ur expectin' a wee bairn in th' sprin'!
4. All the excitement will distract me from POAS addiction.
5. A picture of a positive test on a kilt!
6. If it’s not positive, I will still feel better about not trying in September.
7. Making M mad by telling him we can only choose between Nessie and Wallace for names.
8. Great excuse for not having to try all the beers and scotch and new foods.


Trying in August – Cons
1. I will have the real possibility of losing a pregnancy on the vacation that is supposed to make me feel better about losing two pregnancies.
2. 5 weeks and 3 days falls while M will be on his trip.
3. 14 weeks falls on November 9th, 4 days before my November due date.
4. M is a planner and doesn’t like when I change my mind (and I do that a lot).
5. If I don’t get pregnant, I might feel worse when the September due date arrives.
6. I won’t be able to hide all the POAS I like to do. We’ll be in tiny B&Bs. M might discover how crazy I am.
7. Will customs pull me aside because of all the tests I will take with me (and then all the ones I hope to bring back)?
8. We’ll be at a friend’s vacation house during the critical days in August. I’m kind of a prude and I’m a little afraid of doing that at someone else’s house!
9. Not getting to taste all the wines and beers and scotch.

Those seem about even. I guess I’ll bring it up tonight and see what M thinks. He was disappointed last night when I told him that his trip conflicted with the baby making plans. Maybe he’d be up for a little try.

I’ve spent the morning working researching prednisone (steroids for poison ivy) and the effects on TTC. I don’t want to risk deformities just because I can’t wait 26 more days. Turns out, some REs prescribe prednisone before ovulation to help with implantation. Is that a sign? I’m finished with the pills at the end of next week.

Side note – Preseason football sucks… but it’s better than no football! Hail to the Redskins!

*Awww…. Poor guy… his second trip to Hawaii for work in a year…

That Facebook vent

I feel like everyone has to complain about the wonder of Facebook at some time. I love it, of course. I’m not good at calling my friends, so this way I can keep up on the little things that are going on.

I have the usual complaint that we all have – too many ultrasound pictures. I had to delete a guy because his wife’s u/s and pregnancy pictures popped up for me to see EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’ve hidden people so I don’t see their updates about how great their babies are growing (then I panic and end up peeking at their profiles to make sure doctor appointments are going well).

My own personal facebook problem is that I announced my pregnancy the week of May 10th. My baby was probably already dead when I was getting all the congratulations and excitement. The next week, I had to go back and delete the ultrasound pictures. I just couldn’t bear to see the pictures all the time. I kept the comments congratulating us because I needed some proof that he had existed. After I announced that the baby had died, I got a huge outpouring of support from friends. I was amazed at how much that helped.

But that doesn’t mean everyone saw that we weren’t pregnant anymore. I still get messages from people asking me how the baby is doing. One time, a former coworker started a chat asking me how the pregnancy was going (I never responded). It’s like somebody is punching me in the face each time that happens.

{Complaining removed}

To end on a better note (and since I’m on the topic), here is my favorite category from one of my favorite blogs. You do have to click on the entry title to get the full gloriousness of each entry. So good!

She's pretty as a daisy...

I had a good post idea, but that will have to wait for tomorrow. Today I have one thing on my mind.

ITCHING.

I have no idea what Poison Ivy looks like. Not true… I have a slight idea. It looks like every other weed living plant in my garden. I’m lucky because I don’t usually get a bad rash from it, just a few spots on my fingers for a few days and then it goes away.

Usually. This time is an exception. My neck (yes, what idiot gets poison ivy on her neck?) is bright red, bumpy and itchy. Behind my right ear, under my chin and down my throat. Uck. Ick. Gag.

I also have a spot the size of a pencil eraser on my finger and a little behind my knee.

So, dummy, maybe you should just try wearing gloves? But I hate wearing gloves! I can’t grab right and my hands get all sweaty. I only wear gloves when absolutely necessary, like mulching day and when pregnant (which I’m not… thanks, Garden, for finding a way to remind me).

I’ll just sit here today with my anti-itch cream and stare at the rain and listen to coworkers make fun of me. Perhaps next time I will have M walk around and point the stuff out instead of him telling me later that he saw the poison ivy in my weed pile.

P.S. Do not type “poison ivy” into a Google images search. What idiot does that? I think I’m going to vomit.

Update - Friday Morning.
I went to a Minute Clinic (and God bless the person who came up with that idea) and I got a prescription. I usually would have tried to suck it up and deal, but the rash has crept down between my boobs. Now I'm on the 'roids! I should probably try out for a baseball team this weekend.

Fra-gee-lay!

I think you are supposed to prepare for winning A Major Award and get a speech all ready. I’m not good at that. I’ve tried to think of something profound, but really, this is me we’re talking about.





















So, thank you Stephanie for thinking I’m awesome. I completely agree. I also think you are pretty awesome.

Here are the rules: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I will pass this on to the person I started following most recently:

LuckyOnce at Where's my white picket fence? Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’ll be rooting for you when you decide to start trying again.

And really, I’m so bad at this. I want to give everyone an award and hug you in person.

On another note: Here’s a shout out to my awesome real life friend who has found me here. You said this to me when I found out about my miscarriage: “I am holding you in my mind. Holding you in a safe place where you are allowed to feel anything, say anything, and be the way you need to be right now.” I pull your email out and look at it whenever I feel bad. Thank you for being you.