Childbirth Class 3

Last night’s childbirth class was much calmer than the one we had last week. We just sat in the chairs and listened and watched videos. We learned all about epidurals and c-sections and all the other gory things.

We watched a video that showed a birth with narcotic medication, a birth with an epidural and a c-section. They were not gory or graphic (thank goodness). I cried every time the baby came out. I might have thrown up a little in my mouth when I got to watch a model of a c-section. But anyway, I was kind of embarrassed about my crying. M did not cry. I am going to be a mess when this baby gets here. Those little slimy, wrinkly babies! I’m crying a little now!

In other news, I had a good night of sleep last night. I think my exhaustion finally caught up with me. I’ve given up on my alarm clock and just get up close to when I am supposed to. I’d rather get 30 minutes of sleep than be on time for work. I’m so lucky that I don’t have set hours that I need to be at work. Whew!

Middle of the night ranting

This might not make sense. I apologize in advance. It's 1:27 am and I am wide awake. I'm so tired that I'm almost in tears. I'm freezing cold and my back is sweaty. I want to sleep for days, but I just can't.

I think my time is almost up. My MIL told me yesterday that the baby dropped. Who knows if she's right. I can breathe better and the baby's movements are lower than before.

I can't stop thinking about what I need to do. My list for stuff at home really isn't that long and isn't anything to stress over. I need to pack my bag and sterilize my pumping stuff. That is all I feel that I NEED to do before the baby gets here. I'd like to have the interior windows all painted, but that's not on MY to-do list anyway. My work list is crazy long, but all I really need to do is sit down with the people taking over the projects and give them an update. Then I can leave work with a clear conscience.

I have spent 5 of the last 6 days with my inlaws. Do I really need to say anything else about that? They are amazing people and did SO much work. We have 17 windows and doors in our house that needed the interior trim finished (wood filler, caulking, some drywall work, priming and painting). 14 of those are finished because my inlaws were helping M. Two of the last three are in the basement. Ideally, they'd all be done before the baby arrives, but the main work is complete and what's left can be done without disturbing an infant.

I just wish I could sleep.

We will prevail

Today is another remembering day for me (and lots of others). April 16, 2007 is high on the list of the saddest days in my life. I’m thinking of all those families missing their children or their parents. I remember feeling so shaken, that something like this could happen at a place that I hold so close to my heart. The Virginia Tech campus has always been a safe place for me, like home, where you just feel free to breathe. Could one person take that away from all of us? I don’t think he did. We’ve been to Blacksburg twice since the shootings. The first time was hard – we walked through the memorial and wondered how engineering students spent their days now that Norris Hall doesn’t have classes anymore. I have so many memories (not all good) of that building – classes and tests and stress and friends. I got asked out on a date in there. You know how when you read a book and you picture the setting, and that setting is usually a place you are familiar with? When I read a book that has a classroom scene, it is always a classroom in Norris Hall. You can’t even look at that building, in the center of campus, without remembering.


I guess you never really lose the fear that something will happen to your child. I was afraid last night when the baby wouldn’t wake up for M when he finally had a minute to relax. I was fairly sure all was well – I’d just felt hiccups 10 minutes before. I’ll always be nervous when this baby is out of my sight. I’ll have to trust that s/he will grow up with a strong sense of right and wrong, but what about other people? I can’t always be there…

So all you Hokies out there … Let’s Go! Hokies!

Who ever thought that a football cheer would stir up so many emotions?

Belly Pics

So I promised to put up some pictures. I think if I didn't have this blog, I would never take pictures. So thanks for that.

We'll do side by side.

34 weeks is in blue pants, which make my butt look ginormous. Black pants ( at 36 weeks) truely are slimming!

Next, we can take a look from the front. It looks like no change from this view.

36 Weeks

Ok, I was supposed to have everything ready by today. I am a little bit behind and I am placing all the blame on home renovation projects. The nursery is set up again, but it’s not finished and cute yet. I’m not sure how to convince M that getting a bookshelf is more important than painting the interior trim in the living room… I guess I’ll have to wait on that one.

The good: Baby dreams. I have dreams a few nights a week that I have a normal, healthy newborn. This is totally crazy for me. Up until now, most of my dreams have been wacko children that are full grown or talk to me in a deep voice or whatever. I am also craving jell-o. I made a huge batch and I just leave the spoon sitting in the bowl in the fridge. It satisfies my hunger and thirst in one! It is refreshing! It is green!

The bad: The usual. Hips hurting and bad sleeping. I’m huge. I will be taking a belly picture tonight and I will do my best to actually post it.

The ugly: I think this baby wants to be born through the top of my uterus, or possibly the side. The baby is constantly pushing out. I think it is stretching and it is painful! Today isn’t so bad, but yesterday made me feel like I was getting beat up. I’m pretty sure my birth experience is going to be less like the books and more like the movies.


My new favorite blog. I hate that she stopped posting a few years ago.

Childbirth Class 2

Well, we simulated labor for an hour last night. It wasn’t a bad labor, we had to put our finger in ice for the duration of each contraction and the guys had to keep track of time and rub our backs. I don’t know if we really learned anything new last night. She reviewed everything from last week. It was good for M, he likes to know what job he needs to do. He didn’t complain when we left last night. I don’t think it really prepared me for labor – when my finger went numb, I decided that the drugs were working. We do know what to do now. I’m ready to be in labor. I’m weirdly looking forward to it.

L&D Tour

M and I must be pretty special. We had a private tour of Labor and Delivery at our hospital on Saturday. The day was insane. We had painters at our house at 7:30, M had a MBA seminar in the morning, our house was torn apart for the window stuff and we had the tour scheduled for 2:30. I was already exhausted from cleaning when we got there, but I was so excited.

The woman giving the tour (Sergeant J) is the same woman who is leading our childbirth class (aka boot camp). We were the only people signed up for the afternoon tour, which was kind of nice. Except that M didn’t really like the personalized service. She started every sentence with M! This is where you will be walking when you arrive! M! Do not attempt to take any other elevators! M! Floor 3! I thought it was funny.

Highlights:
We now know where to park and what door we need to go through. M was worried about after hours, but now we know.
The walk to the elevators is longer than the walk from the parking lot to the front door. I think they do this to help with labor.
The entire hospital smells like Subway
The NICU starts renovation at the end of this month. This means I need some extra prayers that Baby will be fine.
Standard practice is to give me the baby immediately after birth, skin to skin, and to try breastfeeding. I am so happy to know this.
I will get a special lactose-free menu.
I will probably request that they completely remove the huge-ass mirror on wheels from the room. I don’t even want to look at my funky nipples right now. There is NO WAY I want to see myself split in half. I’ll wait a few extra minutes to see the baby.

When we were leaving, the nurses said, “See you soon!” and I almost cried. I cannot wait.

So, in other news, my house has all new windows and all new, freshly painted exterior trim. It looks amazing. I am so proud of our little house. Of course, with the fresh paint, parts of the outside look shabby and now we are going to get the house pressure washed, but that’s a small thing. I am so happy this is done! However – the inside is still insane. We did have the interior trim put back in, but the finish work is pretty expensive and we already burst the budget with everything else. M is caulking and painting all the interior trim by himself. I’m so lucky to be married to a man who can fix anything. The nursery window is already done! He did a great job. I spent all weekend cleaning up the construction mess. I pretended I was nesting, but washing sawdust from the bottom of the toilet doesn’t really strike me as “preparing for baby.” This week I will scrub the nursery from top to bottom and then I FINALLY get to set up the room. I will be in heaven!

Today is April 12th. I am supposed to have a baby in one month.

35 Weeks

The Good: I may be complaining about being awake all the time, but I don’t mind it when this little booger is awake, too. My hiccup-y baby is so cute. I feel so bad for this little thing jumping all over the place a few times a day. I don’t think s/he likes the hiccups very much. I spend the time rubbing the mass that I assume is a baby back and try to soothe it, but I might just be making it worse.

The Bad: I’m sweating all the time. Like SWEATING. My coworkers are wearing jackets. I had to go buy new shoes so I would have some sandals that don’t have high heels. That has helped, but the bottom of my feet are going to stink by the end of today. My hands and feet are getting a little puffy today. My rings went on fine, but I think I’m going to need some cold water to get them off tonight. It’s not sausage-y yet. I’ll keep an eye on this.

The Ugly: Still not sleeping. I’m so tired, so I go to bed early. All that does is mean I wake up before 4:30 in the morning. Either I’m crazy uncomfortable or too hot or my hip hurts or the baby is having a dance party. The dance party is fine, but all the rest make me nuts. I know this is only temporary… only a few more weeks and I’ll be not sleeping for a much better reason.

If you say something in the comments about this sleep “preparing me” for the baby, I’m going to reach through the screen and throw sand in your eyes.

34 Week Appointment

This appointment was quick, so I don’t have much to say today. I’ve been crazy busy at work… so that’s why I’m not commenting as often, but I am reading and supporting and thinking about you guys.

The doctor came in and measured me… 34 weeks, which is technically ok. This is the first time a doctor has something other than “right on time” so I guess it’s fine. The baby’s heart rate is still in the 130s. She told me to stop the baby aspirin at 36 weeks. I hate that idea. I don’t want to stop the baby aspirin! I’ve banked this entire pregnancy on this tiny pill and I’m afraid to stop. But I will because I always follow the rules.

My only question today was about the process when I go into labor (the lady at class last night told us to ask). The doctor gave me the last month information sheet so I could read ahead. I liked that.

The next appointment will be at 37 weeks exactly. I’ll have my Group B strep test, my first internal check and we’ll have a conversation about labor with my labor coach (or, as I like to call him, my husband). Sounds exciting!

Laura, my to-do list at the beginning of this pregnancy was insane. I got a list of classes from the hospital and I think I signed up for every single one. M grumbles about them all, but I love them! It makes me feel like I’m doing something. I got excited today when I scheduled the extra L&D tour since he won’t be able to make the last class. I can't wait to hear about your experiences!!!

Childbirth Class 1

We started learning how to give birth last night. M thinks this is ridiculous. I think it is necessary. So I win and we’re going every Monday in April to the community room in the hospital.

The class last night was a little intense. The instructor is a small woman with an intimidating personality and sometimes it felt like we were in trouble. Like she was lecturing us. “Gentlemen! You must get her to change positions!” M was a little afraid. We were expecting something a little more soothing. Oh well. You get what you get.

Things we learned:
The hospital tour (the thing we want most) isn’t until the last class. M is going to miss this class because of training. We’re going to schedule a separate tour.
You are supposed to pee every hour during labor to reduce pain.
TACO if your water breaks (Time, Amount, Colorless, Odorless).
Only 10% of women start labor with their water breaking (or 75% of my friends).
You can use a rolling pin as a back massager.
I am the furthest along in the class.
M is in charge of keeping track of the contractions, making sure I am comfortable and making me change positions.

So last night was laboring at home. Next week is labor in the hospital. Week 3 is medical interventions (C-sections, epidurals… all that). The last week is a pediatrician and the tour.

In our regular life:

M’s training (the last week of April) is for a new job! I am so happy for him. The timing is a little tricky. I’ll be in my 37th week, so labor could start while he is away. But it might not. And he’ll only be in DC, so a little over an hour away if things get going at non-rush hour times. If it starts between 6 and 10 am or 2 and 7 pm, I’ll probably have to wait a few hours for him to get to me. That’s going to have to be ok. And, no, I won’t call my MIL to come labor with me. Our neighbors have already agreed to come over and sit with me if needed. My mom is going to come down to attend the last class with me.

And, since we don’t want to make these last few weeks of pregnancy easy, we are also getting our windows and all exterior trim on our house replaced right now. M called me and said 6 windows on our front bump-out are already gone. I really can’t wait for this to be done. We can’t open most of our windows because they were painted shut or had no screens. And I couldn’t see out of the back windows because the seals were all broken. This is going to be so nice!

34 Weeks

6 weeks to go!

I’ve had a nice week. My parents had their marriage recognized in the church (my brothers and I decided that we are now all legitimate, even though we are step children and all that mess…). I had to wear a dress. I was very upset about having to wear pantyhose (hello, ugly fat legs!). M suggested that I get thigh-highs. That man is a genius.

The good: The nursery is coming along. I decided it is much more fun to wash baby clothes than regular clothes. It also takes twice as long because I hold everything up and gush about how cute it is. My entire house smells like Dreft. I’ll post pictures once it is finished.

The bad: M won’t let me buy depends for nighttime. I just want to not have to roll myself out of bed two times a night!

The ugly: The next person to tell me “Sleep now while you can!” is going to get a swift punch in the neck. Look at me! Do you think I am sleeping? Are you insane? And do you really I’ll be sitting there at 3 am with a crying newborn all perky and going “Hey, you know what? I’m so glad I slept that extra 30 minutes in March! I’m wide awake now!” Jerks. Shut up.

In other news, my MIL has offered to drive us to the hospital when I go into labor. I’d like to remind you this is the same woman who flipped out when our electricity went out this winter and wanted to come rescue us, even though we have a fireplace and blankets. She is WONDERFUL, but she cannot handle stress. She is the type of person to grab the handle above the window and shriek if the light turns yellow as you drive through it. She is the last person I want driving while I have a contraction. Luckily, M agrees. He doesn’t even really want his parents at the hospital.

I've been thinking about when I had 34 weeks to go... when I was just 6 weeks pregnant and scared out of my mind. 34 more weeks seemed like such a long time to live with the crazy fears that come with pregnancy after loss. All those sleepless nights before doctor appointments. The crying and the constant reminding myself to say IF. Things are different now. I'm not afraid of going to the doctor anymore and getting news that my baby is dead - all I need to do is poke myself in the belly to be reassured. We say WHEN about the baby. We have a room set up. We could have the car seat installed this weekend. Of course I'm still afraid of something happening at delievery or my baby coming too early... I can't read any kind of story about stillbirth or SIDS. Those scare the shit out of me. But I'm not the paranoid mama that I was in September.

My heart is going out to everyone in the early days of pregnancy. You can get through it! It won't be long until you'll be writing about how you are less afraid and how in love you are.

CPR Certified

We took our CPR class last night. I expected it to be filled with, I don’t know, teacher type people. But it wasn’t. It was about 90% pregnant couples. It was CPR for all people, not just infants (but that was obviously what most of us wanted). I took out my aggression (bad day at work) on poor Annie and I am SORE today. No one tells you that CPR class is actually a workout. My wrist is aching, my butt is sore (can I talk about butts any more here?). I’m like an old person!

And I think I’m pretty well off. M was amazed looking around at all the pregnant girls. Everyone asked everyone else how far along they were. Most people were about 30 weeks. One girl was 2 days ahead of me. I was one of the smallest girls there. M told me I was lucky, and he’s right. Some of the girls at 30 weeks were carrying so low – they had to do the CPR with the mannequins on the table.

So now I can help someone who collapses. I know what to do if my baby starts choking, I know what to do if my baby is unresponsive. I hope I don’t ever have to use this stuff.

Officially Mutation Free

We have finally received the results of M's CF testing. He is clear!

Read some background here. The short version is that I am a carrier for CF. M's family has a bad history (read: lots of early childhood death) and we decided to check for every single mutation, even the very rare ones. He does not have a single one. It cost us about $700 to make sure, but now we can breathe easy about this. I've been worried, just not talking about it.

All I need to do now is take the baby to the CF doctor a few weeks after birth so they can see if s/he is a carrier and compare that to the results from the early tests we did. Why is this important? It is WAY harder to tell if a baby has the same mutation as the mom. They try to isolate the baby's DNA from mine in the blood, but if we have the same CF markers, that's a little harder. So we still can help a little. And I don't have to worry (about this).

Oh, the *finally* part of the waiting is not because of the doctors or the lab. I've been bugging M to get the blood draw since December. He didn't want to do it. Not because of the blood draw part, but because he would have to go to his doctor's office and most likely get a physical. You know what doctors do to men at physicals? It involves fingers and butts. Once I found out about the group-B strep test, I told him that if I had to go through birth AND get something in my butt, he was going to do this one little thing. You can't argue with that. So he made the appointment and had the finger test. Now he is eagerly awaiting my butt appointment (and you all thought he was just really into butt stuff).

33 Weeks

The good: A lady offered me her seat when I was waiting for my lunch last week. I look pregnant. Very pregnant. My house is full of baby things. My little kicker is happily moving around right now. We’re busy getting storage things together so we can start setting up the nursery! I can’t wait! My replacement glider is ready to be picked up. I’m going to BRU with the gift card we got from buying the furniture, so I will be set loose with $150! It’s going to be awesome!

I bought my first toy for the baby last night. I know I bought furniture and bedding, but this felt different. I got a little stuffed Eeyore. It was a little scary, since I’m still constantly doubting that this baby will actually come home with me. I have to let this doubt go. This way I am making memories with this baby, no matter what. I can’t miss out on this time just because I’m afraid.

The bad: Oh, my hips. Oh, my ribs. Oh, I’m tired.

The ugly: I had a leg cramp on Friday night. It was the worst pain I have ever had in my life. I woke M up because I was crying and shouting. Yes, I’m a crier, but I’m a quiet crier (you know, ugly scrunched up face and lots of tears, but no noise). I was yelling because of the pain. That finalized my plans for at least one epidural. Has anyone had a leg cramp like that AND given birth? I can’t imagine a pain worse than the pain I felt Friday night. And I’m pretty sure that was nothing compared to giving birth.

32 week appointment

I just got back from my appointment. Everything went well. I could hear another baby's heartbeat through the walls. It brought back some bad memories, but I knew today's appointment would go well and that I'd hear something similar in just a few minutes.

And I did. The heart rate is steady in the 130s. I am measuring right on time.

I asked two questions today:

Q. What is the crazy soreness that I have every morning right in the top center of my stomach (directly below my ribs)?
A. It is my muscles splitting open! Awesome! It's a type of hernia that I would never be able to remember and she said it can cause severe pain down the road. It doesn't get bad for everyone, but it seems like I might be one that will have it. I can't wait for that. As of now, I have this painful spot every morning when I wake up. It usually goes away within an hour. I wouldn't call it severe... it just feels like a bruise.
There is also the slight possibility that it is the baby pushing up in one spot too much, but since it happens all the time... probably not.
Um, also, do not look up HERNIA online. I just wanted to see if I could find the correct term. No luck. I feel sick now.

Q. What is the position of the baby?
A. "He is head down. Did I just say he? I don't know why I said that?" Then she started flipping through my file. I am actually pretty excited about this. I have no idea if they write it in the file. And the way she flipped through made me think that she didn't even know if that was what she had read. I have such strong girl feelings about this baby. I would be SO surprised if there's a boy in there. But now I have a good reason to wonder again! She also noted that the head down thing is just a RIGHT NOW thing. It could change any minute. I am goign to ask at every appointment now that I know they can tell. It's kind of neat. Now I know that is a little butt that is sticking into my ribs.

I realized that I should only have 5 more appointments. I love countdowns!

Baby Shower!

I had a wonderful weekend!

I’d like to mention quickly that I went to see Stomp on Friday night. It was awesome. The baby was kicking and moving all over the place for the entire show. Then he/she stayed awake all night practicing the moves. That was fun, too.

My shower was on Saturday afternoon. I had such a wonderful time. We got there early so I could greet everyone as they came in. M stayed for a while, too. He was afraid to stay for the presents (he went to an auto parts store with his dad instead). We had lunch and then I opened all the gifts. Wow! We had to ask some family members to take some things home for us. We are pretty well prepared for a baby now! We have all the big stuff and most of the small stuff. We have a gift card from a furniture promotion that we need to use by the end of the month. We figured we’d go there and get a big thing with it… I think we’ll just be getting some diapers and wipes instead. I am so grateful that my family and friends are so awesome!

I cried a lot during the shower. M’s grandmother spent her winter making little blankets and sweaters and booties and hats. They are all so small and cute! I cried!

Then my mom gave me a sweater that my grandmother had made. She was a huge knitter. She would knit all day and make all these little sweaters. She would give them to anyone who was pregnant and all the rest went to the local hospital. I had been hoping there was a sweater for me somewhere… I was so happy when I opened that box. And I cried SO much. I’m still crying now. I cry whenever I look at it or tell someone about it.

Then M’s mom gave me an outfit that M’s great-grandmother had made for him. I can’t even imagine that. My baby will have something from their great-great grandmother. That is something amazing. I hope she has a picture of M in the sweater. I was giggling a little when I opened this one because I kept picturing M in this little green sweater with ribbons all through it. He must have been so cute!

My mom got us a glider. I was so excited about this sucker! The baby loves it when I sit in those things and I knew that I would be glued to it as soon as we could get it in the house. My Father-in-law sat in it while they were waiting for me to arrive. It broke. It wasn’t his fault – he’s not a huge guy or anything. And my mom was actually kind of grateful that it broke when he sat in it instead of me – or later when I was holding the baby. We returned it on Sunday morning and I hope the new one will come in before the end of this week. For those keeping track – that is 2 out of 3 furniture items that were damaged. Neat!

I was exhausted after the party. I got home and just watched Harry Potter movies all evening. I went through all the gifts on Sunday with M. He liked the toys and clothes. He didn’t really care about the rest. We decided we need a lot more storage! We are going to get a bookshelf and a storage shelf for the closet this week. Then I should be able to start putting everything into the room. It’s going to be so cute!

Then the baby barely moved all day on Sunday. It wasn’t like no movement, but just not as much as I am used to. So I was nervous all day. This morning has been nutso, though. The poor kid hates when I type, so I think I’ll end here for now.

I have an appointment at 1 pm. I’m going to ask if they can tell what position the baby is in. M is pretty busy at work, but he’s still coming to all the appointments. I read somewhere that I get a test for an infection that is done rectally at some point. M said he doesn’t want to miss that one. He’s such a lovely man.

Oh, and here’s something awesome. Almost everyone at work is sick. I hear sniffles all day long. People are staying away from me and I’m washing my hands and all that stuff. But I’m pretty sure I’m going to get really cranky really soon.

I did it!

{An entire post about work drama removed}

32 Weeks!

Special thanks to all those who shared their BFing experiences and advice and fears. I feel better!

Here is my 32 week update. 8 weeks to go... holy crap.

The good: M has been feeling the baby regularly. He talks to the baby and all that great stuff. My big shower is this weekend! My new crib is being delivered this afternoon!

The bad: I am getting more and more uncomfortable every day. I am also getting angrier at the people around me (this might not be a bad thing)

The ugly: I am preparing for a child by spitting up a few times a day. Really. Out of nowhere. I don’t even get a burpy feeling, I just burp out a bunch of water. I have yet to make a mess or anything, but it’s still gross (read: I throw up in my mouth). I’m sure this is related to my fantastic heartburn and acid reflux problem, but the spitting up doesn’t hurt at all. It just gives me bad breath.

Normal life: I had a dentist appointment this morning. The hygienist talked to me about nursing the whole time. Does she read my blog? I have fluoride breath right now and it is gross.

{Drama Removed}

Pediatrician: I have one! I had a meet and great yesterday afternoon. He is a jolly man in a bugs bunny tie. He talked to me for about 40 minutes and made sure all my questions are answered. I didn’t see eye-to-eye with him on all the vaccine stuff, but he said several parents are on the schedule that I am interested in (Dr Sears). Why am I interested in the alternative vaccine schedule? My mom said she liked it better. I’m currently reading (skimming) the book and I agree with it. That doesn’t mean any other approach is wrong.

Breastfeeding Class

We had our breastfeeding class last night. I’m glad we took it, I feel more prepared now. I learned about positions and some other tips. I learned that my hospital doesn’t sell the pump I want (I can get it from the hospital where my mom works). I learned that we should grab 2 cookies before the class starts so we don’t have to share one.

The class started off kind of slow. We watched a video that makes it look so easy! She talked about the problems you can have and about the hospital services and policies. I was happy to learn about a back-to-work class that they have after your baby is born. I’ll be going to that!

M learned that boobs aren’t just giant bags of milk. He had no idea about the actual anatomy. Awesome.

She showed us some cream for nipple problems. I will probably just buy that stuff the next time I am at the store.

The biggest thing we got out of the class was the opportunity to think about what we want immediately after the baby is born. My mom will be in the room with me, my dad and M’s parents will be in the waiting room. We’ve decided that we want the first hour with just the 3 of us. We need to try the whole breastfeeding thing and just want that time to bond. The woman told us how a baby is usually alert for the first hour and then all the excitement catches up with them and they pass out. Our parents can come in and hold the sleeping baby. They’ll have plenty of time to get to know him/her afterwards. We’ll never be able to re-do that first hour. We’re happy we’ve decided this ahead of time so we won’t have disappointed parents knocking on the door.

So the real truth is that I am terrified of breast feeding. I’m more afraid of that than birth. Birth hurts real big one time and then you get a reward. You have lingering pain afterwards, but that’s manageable. I actually looking forward to that one. I’m terrified of breastfeeding hurting for months and months. My nipples are pretty sensitive as it is, I don’t think that will get better. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it. I’m afraid I won’t know that I’m not doing it right. I’m afraid that I’ll lose my supply too early (my mom did). I’m afraid my kid will starve. I’m afraid my MIL will think less of me if I can’t do it (she’s already been hinting about how natural birth is wonderful – ha!). I’m afraid of disappointing M.

I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself. I am going to try my best. If I can’t do it, then I have plenty of other ways to feed my baby. We can afford formula (I won’t be using this). No one is going to be angry at me. My child will be fine. I just keep telling myself these things over and over. I hope I can do it.

31 Weeks

Week 31… 9 weeks to go. That is single digits. I can do this!

The good: M could feel a baby butt (or head? Or elbow?) last night and he was amazed. I usually push the butt (in my mind, everything is a butt) back in when it sticks out like that because it hurts a little. But this time, M was right there and I had him touch it. We’re having his brother come over on Friday evening and I hope this little one will be active for his/her uncle!

The bad: M told me that he thinks pregnancy is just a bunch of peeing, farting and burping. I am having a hard time getting out of comfy couches. I leave things on the floor a lot. I just drop everything and I cannot bend over AGAIN to get it. So it stays on the floor until I drop something else nearby. Then I will get both. I believe that my husband should be picking these things up, but I don’t think he sees messes. In his defense: he emptied the bottom rack of the dishwasher so I wouldn’t have to bend over.

The ugly: My butt. Really. I do understand and embrace the idea of gaining weight during pregnancy, I can’t stress that enough… butt… butt… but my maternity pants are getting pretty tight on my butt and thighs. I’m storing up all that fat for nursing, I guess. I’m thankful that I’m not all huge and puffy and that my face still looks normal. I am getting comments about being “so small!” and all that, so I don’t really think I should complain. Butt. I am getting a big butt.

Just to say it a few more times. Butt Butt Butt Butt!

I forgot to talk about my awesome weekend! We went to the beach to see my parents, my brother, SIL and niece (age 4). We had a wonderful time. I kept looking around the house and trying to imagine having a baby with us the next time we are there. My parents decided to buy this house in May. They told me about it on May 16th and we lost the baby on May 18th. So it did hurt to think that I was supposed to have this first visit with a 4 month old. I thought about him a lot this weekend and how I’ll keep thinking about him with everything I do with this baby. It wasn’t all gloominess all the time, though! My niece kept talking to me about the baby. She wants to push the baby on a swing. She wants to feed the baby. She does not want to change the baby’s poopy diapers. She wants me to go to the hospital tonight and get the baby out for her. She asked M why I was having a baby. She did not believe that this baby will be his, too.

In work news:

{Drama Removed}

TMI question: My nipples are getting funny. Like they remind me of scabs that are flaking off. I don't like touching them or anything and this morning a little piece fell off and it was very weird feeling. Is this "cracked, dry nipples?" Should I be getting nipple cream now? If I were a baby, I wouldn't want to get my dinner from these gross looking nipples.

30 week apointment

I had my 30 week appointment today and all is well. It took a minute or two to catch the heartbeat, but I could hear it for a second before it moved. Plus, the baby had been kicking me during the wait for the doctor. That makes the heartbeat search so much easier!

The specifics:

The baby’s heart rate is in the 130s, same as last time.

I am only slightly anemic – the number is 34. Here is an article my mom sent me about the levels. I still don’t really understand it, but it’s not very bad.

The doctor was impressed that I found a place for cord blood donation. Every time I’ve asked them for donation information, they gave me a card for Viacord. In my research, I realized it was because Maryland doesn’t have any local donation facilities. The best I can do is the online place. She wants more information about the bank and hopefully this will work out and more moms will be able to donate. As for their office, no one is sure what the office will do about fees. I will call and find out what the fees are for normal banking so I won’t get surprised. Then I’ll ask what they would do for a donation – most websites say that the collection should be free if you donate the cord blood. I don’t mind paying a small fee, but I’m not going to be charged more than $100 for a good deed.

In other news, I had my office baby shower on Friday (background here).

{Drama Removed}

So, right, the shower itself was very nice. I am blessed to have generous coworkers who contributed to get me a lot of great gifts! I couldn’t believe it! We had lots of great food (ordered in as our normal 1st Friday lunch) and lots of desserts! I love desserts. A coworker’s wife made a cake for me with frogs on it. Very cute ad yummy. Another coworker brought in the cutest cupcakes I have ever seen. The conference room was decorated so nicely!!! If I get pictures of these things, I’ll post them. M was there to celebrate and that was nice (and having him there made it better to talk about it afterwards). Most of the men in my office (that means most of the people in my office) have never been to a baby shower before. Only 2-3 even have young kids. The look on my boss’s face when I opened the boppy pillow was priceless. He had NO idea what that was for. And I wasn’t going to tell him.

{More drama removed}

30 weeks!

The good: Two nights ago, I was cleaning up from dinner while M was still sitting at the table (finishing his wine…. grrr). He waved me over to him and I thought he was going to pull some food off my shirt (because that happens a lot). But he pulled me close to him and leaned over a little so his head was right up against my belly and he whispered, “I love you.” It doesn’t get much better than that.

The bad: Heartburn, as usual. I realize I don’t have it all that bad. I can take one Tums and it usually stops within a few minutes. I complain all the time because the Tums is usually not right next to me and it takes too much effort to actually stand up and get it. It seems that M&Ms are a big reason for this. I’m not going to stop eating them. I need to eat them because E can’t. Somebody has to eat the candy.

The ugly: We’re going to the beach this weekend. I’m thinking of getting some depends because the drive is through a whole lot of nowhere and I know I’m going to need to pee before my usual pee spot (and don’t act like you don’t have your typical pee stops on frequently traveled routes!).

The not-so-exciting shower

I have a work shower coming up. Soon. Like Friday soon.

{drama removed}

For the record, I don’t have any of these fears about my real shower, where I will be surrounded by women that I really like and will be a great time.

Steak, furniture and classes

Hi! Did everyone have a good weekend? Things were insane in my house!

First Item!

I DO NOT HAVE DIABETES!!!! WOOOHHHOOOOO!!! Bring on the cookies. But make them cookies with a side of steak because I’m anemic. I have to take iron pills now. I blame that on M for not giving me cheeseburgers every night. My mom wants to know how anemic I am, so I need to call the office and get the actual numbers. I hope these iron pills don’t stop me up too bad. I got the slow release ones. Now I take 5 different pills a day (which, um, is nothing compared to what some of you do).

Next Item!

We spent all day Saturday emptying out the office and making it into a nursery. Poor M made at least 40 trips from our top floor to the basement carrying tons of stuff – mostly books! We got all of the stuff out of the room before noon (which is pretty darn good!). Then the in-laws came over to help with the furniture. We had some trouble getting desks to the basement, but it all worked out in the end.

M and his dad headed out to BRU to pick up the crib and dresser. They were gone forever. They called me once to complain that nothing fit in the Blazer. I told them to go to Home Depot and get some rope and make it work. They did. Then MIL and I watched them carry the fully assembled dresser up the stairs (we thought it would come in pieces… we probably would have picked different stuff if we knew it was fully assembled). The crib box was all busted up. I would have opened it at the store to make sure it was all ok. M did not do this (although he talked to the guy at the store and they assured him that they had opened the box and inspected everything). The crib headboard was split in half. Yippee! So we have a broken crib in our foyer until they deliver the new one. M called on Sunday and talked to a manager until they agreed to send someone to exchange the crib. He’s good at that kind of stuff. I was almost ready to cry when MIL pulled one of my Pollyanna tricks on me – she said “well, at least it’s not the dresser! I don’t think the guys could get that thing back down the stairs!” She was right. At least it was the much lighter crib that was carried up in pieces. At least the furniture will be here within a week or two. A broken crib 10 weeks before the baby is even due is not a big deal.

So now we have a baby room with a dresser and our office is all set up in the basement. It looks good down there. I wasn’t optimistic and I thought we’d be crowded down there. Now I kind of wish we’d always had the office in the basement.

Next Item!

We took the in-laws to dinner after all their hard work. I spent the dinner with a foot in my rib, so I kind of had to sit sideways to elongate myself. Everyone told me I looked like a fat trucker eating at a diner. I tried to sit better, but then I couldn’t reach the table. I am sitting the same way right now (but leaning to the right instead of the left). The kid will move when I push it down, but then reaches back up in there. Oh boy!

Next Item!

We went to an infant care class on Sunday. We learned how to bathe a baby and how to change diapers and swaddle. She showed us pictures of newborns and all the little things that might scare someone who has never seen a newborn up close. She spent A LOT of time telling us to trust our instincts, to advocate for ourselves and the baby and to not be afraid to ask for help. All the things that girls like me need to hear. I thought that was the best part of the class. The worst part was that our baby doll was ugly. And the clothes we had for him were pink and frilly. We felt bad that we didn’t bond with our ugly baby and then gave him a complex with girl clothes.

Next Item!

Alyssa wrote a few days ago about being on the other side of the fence.

That was a huge thing for me this weekend and last weekend. Normally, I do try to conceal this belly some. I’m usually wearing my huge purple MIL coat that just makes me look like a chubby lady who isn’t used to walking with her fat. I don't want anyone to look at me and feel the sadness that I used to feel.

Right, so we were in Babies R Us registering last weekend and I was sitting at the table getting everything set up. I had my coat on even though I was kind of warm. I didn’t want to bother anyone around me with my belly. Then I realized something. I was in the middle of preggo-land. Although people around me might have suffered from a loss or infertility, they were here because they were preparing for a baby and their dreams were coming true. I didn’t have to hide here!

I had the same feeling this weekend. We walked into the hospital and I kind of guarded my belly. Then I realized I was in a class for infant care. Everyone there was the same size as me. I could rub my belly all I wanted and I could shift uncomfortably when I had that foot in my rib.

It’s a great place to be.

Sock it to me!!!

I love this. I love socks! I love Kym!

My socks came from somewhere in the midwest from someone whose name I can't remember! I'm such a jerk! I got rid of the shipping information before I could write down my person! If you are the awesome blogger who sent me these fantastic socks, leave a comment so I can fully acknowledge you. Thank you!

Updated: Kym let me know that my socks came from Beautiful Mess at Life induces thoughts, mostly random. I'll be catching up on her all day today. Thanks!!!

Let's start by checking out my fantastic pedicure from my girl's weekend:





You know, it's kind of a shame to hide feet like that with socks. But I love socks.

Now, I got two pairs of socks. They are perfect. I do not wear plain socks, even when I am trying to be professional. These can go into my daily rotation.

So, which do I like better? The green fancy ones?

Or the yellow duckies?

Or how about both!

So, how has the blogging community supported me over the past year? Can I even put that into words? I had the darkest time of my life this past summer... if I didn't have this place, I'm not sure I would be in one of the brightest times right now. I was able to see that my feelings were normal, I wasn't alone and others had survived the sadness of losing a pregnancy and gone on to have babies. My friends here held me up and carried me through the scary first weeks with this pregnancy. Now I'm trying to send those positive vibes to others who are just starting to get out of the dark days.

Everything is still going wonderful over here. I've officially been kicked during my dreams. We are picking up the nursery furniture on Saturday. I've been invited to my baby shower! Wow.

29 Weeks

The title of this post should be: Why does water give me heartburn?

Things are still truckin along. I got a phone call last night telling me that our furniture is ready to be picked up. Oh Shit!

This evening (and maybe tomorrow and/or Friday if this new Snownami shows up), I am going to start gathering my craft things together and move them down to the basement. It’s cold down there, so I’m reluctant to move… but it’s worth it!

The good: The baby had hiccups again last night during the ski-cross. M couldn’t really feel them, but I could. I’m still getting nervous when I don’t feel a lot of movement, but whenever I sit still and have some food, it starts up again.

The bad: Hip pain sucks, but it goes away if I change position. I’m waking up in the middle of the night for hours and feeling wide awake. Everyone says this is practice for the baby. I think those people are full of S. I spend the time awake either planning my work day (which does not help at all) or thinking about a little yellow nursery with new furniture (which does help).

Also, I'm frickin STARVING.

The Ugly: Heartburn all over the place. Heartburn after breakfast. Heartburn at 3 am. Heartburn after ice cream.

28 Week Appointment

I’m back from my 28 week appointment. It was a quick in and out for the doctor part. The baby’s heart rate is in the 130s, which is lower than before, but baby is getting bigger. I’m measuring exactly on time. Hooray!

Um, weight… not that it’s a big deal but I am now officially heavier than I have ever been in my life. I weigh more than I did my junior year of college when I lived next door to the best on campus dining hall on the east coast and discovered that beer was better than liquor. This is expected and I’m fine with it. But I can feel the heaviness!

The glucose test was fine, I guess. I really didn’t think the drink was that bad. I have a huge sweet tooth… so drinking orange sugar drink is kind of a treat for me. I waited for an hour and had the blood draw. The whole time I was SO hungry and thirsty. I didn’t get my normal morning carb load and that made me cranky. Then I had a headache. Those things didn’t make me feel too excited about the results. I will load up on sugar and carbs for the next few days just in case.

I got McDonalds on my way to work and now I am happy!

We registered this weekend! And we bought our furniture! And then I took a nap!

Stretch Marks!!!

Oh Shit!

I was feeling all proud of my non-stretch-marked self for having such elastic skin and being so frickin beautiful.

Then, last night, I was getting punched in the belly while I brushed my teeth. I lifted up my shirt to see if I could see the punches from the outside when I saw something awful. Two little blue lines snaking around on my right side. M decided that I was getting bruises from the punches because we have the strongest baby in the world. I had to tell him the awful truth.

I have one small container of lotion for this stuff (I'll get more this weekend). I was rubbing it all over my belly and M was just laying in bed laughing. He said he wants to rub the belly from now on. Then he told me I look like Tim Allen in The Santa Clause. I love my husband.

28 Weeks

Ok, now I can really say I’m in the third trimester. I can officially be cranky and waddle a little. I was sitting on the stairs, talking to our neighbor and struggled to get up. M told me I was getting up like a pregnant lady. Ha!

The good: I’m round and waddling. I had a prenatal massage. The baby had hiccups on Sunday night. Those were cool, but pretty uncomfortable… and the fact that they happened around 3 am didn’t help with my sleeping.

The bad: I’m sick of peeing all the time. Who isn’t? It sucks. I’m sleeping like crap. BH contractions whenever I don’t drink enough water… blah.

The ugly: I’m growing out of the work pants I bought. Oh well. They are going to have to last me 12 more weeks and I don’t care if I stretch the hell out of them by then. Heartburn is not funny anymore. My belly button is getting shallower and shallower. I hate it when anything touches near it. And I hate the way it looks. I am upset about this and if it pops out I will probably pass out for the remainder of the pregnancy.

The usual: I had a great weekend with friends. I was pampered at the spa with my massage. I think I will always have a prenatal massage. I liked cuddling with the body pillow. I had the fancy manicure and pedicure because I deserve it. I loved the pedicure. My toes look awesome. I still wonder why I get manicures. I stare at my nails and I want to peel! the! polish! now! Also, the extreme nail growth means my brand new manicure already looks about a week old. But the color is pretty!!!

What else… I am really registering on Saturday and so excited to spend quality time with my mom! M is going to miss the first hour or two because he’s going to an information session for an MBA program (hooray!). He is actually kind of upset about it, but I told him not to worry. We’ll focus on thermometers and bottles while we wait for him. We are really going to order our furniture. And… I have a real baby shower scheduled. Wow. It seems crazy to be doing all this stuff. I’m nervous that my appointment on Monday won’t go well, but then I have to stop myself and hold still and wait for a little kick to tell me everything is ok.

The baby does have a pattern of activity. It is one day of insane movement followed by 2-3 days of just kicks here and there. I am in the down part right now and I hate it. I was freaking out this morning so I laid on my side after breakfast to see what would happen. I got back up after 4 minutes because the baby had already kicked 7 times. And I consider this to be “down time”… what’s my problem?

Work is nutso, but should calm down after this week (and it did calm down a lot today… I’m finally writing this and catching up with everyone else). My horoscope for March said I would have a lucky work day on the 1st. I am going to try to talk to the bosses about maternity leave that day. I’m nervous!

One last thing, my husband is so great! I left him alone on Valentine’s day to be on my girl’s weekend and he did all the chores AND left flowers for me to find when I got home on Monday morning. He is amazing!

27 Weeks

Isn't this really the end of the second trimester? Do I really have to wait another week? M and I discussed this over breakfast. We decided that if I am really cranky this week, it will be the 3rd trimester. Judge for yourselves!



The Good: Baby is back on its regular kicking schedule. Sleep is still going well. I am getting a prenatal massage on Sunday at it better be the best thing ever. If I fall asleep during it I am going to punch somebody.



The Bad: More Braxton Hicks! Ugh! I hate that stuff. I think it was caused by me being kind of stressed out yesterday and being a little "stuck" if you know what I mean. I took a break at work and stretched myself out and played some internet games for about 15 minutes. The contractions went away and when I got home I was able to fix the other problem.



I cut my toenails last night. That was harder than I expected. I have a girl's weekend coming up (hence the massage) and I'll be getting a pedicure, too. I HATE the feeling of someone else cutting or filing my nails (fingers and toes). I like to get that done myself before the appointment. It looks like I'm going to have to get over that pretty soon. The good thing is that I guess I have to get more pedicures now... poor me!



I have old man heartburn now. Just prop me up and send over the tums.



The Ugly: Like everyone else on the planet, I'm a little tired of hearing about Snowmageddon. And I'm living in the center of it. I'm not at work today (which is awesome!) but I have to take vacation time for it (which sucks!) and this is the most busy I've been at work for a while. That is why I'm kind of stressed out. Life will be better in a week or two. The bright side: at least we have power!



I think I'm working on a post-college record of not seeing my mom. It makes me sad. I hate you, Snowmageddon!

Here is the view from our office/future nursery window right now. I can actually feel the wind blowing from my chair. We really need to get new windows before I make a baby sleep in here!

P.S. A bunch of you gave me that awesome award and that is awesome. Thanks!! If I can get my sh!t together, I'll do the random facts. My only random facts right now are about snow and they are all angry.

What I did on my snowy weekend

I think I’m a little tired of snow. We broke the records for snowfall in Maryland and we’re about to get more. I’m not nearly as tired as poor M, who had to shovel us out. We are so lucky to have friends next door, so M doesn’t have to shovel alone. It’s more like hanging out with his friend instead of being a chore. I like watching them dig and laugh together.

I left work early on Friday afternoon when the snow started picking up. I’m not about to risk anything with this baby. It didn’t really start to stick until after I would have gotten home normally, but whatever. I got all of the weekend chores finished before it was even officially the weekend!! That was awesome.

Anyway, snow, snow everywhere and I was the only one who couldn’t drink!

This is a view of the windows looking onto our deck. The snow was drifted, so it looks a bit worse than it really is... but it's deep! The piles between driveways are over 7' tall!



Our power went out at 3 am on Saturday morning. This means M didn’t sleep at all after that as he went into man mode and needed to protect us. At first, he just laid in bed and complained about being cold and yelled at me for throwing the covers off. He was trying to keep warm by spooning me, which just made me sweat like a pregnant lady. He got out of bed around 7 and somehow he got our neighbor, A, to start a fire in our fireplace. We made a fire back in 2004 and never did it again. We have a small woodpile under the deck with a ton of old wood. It wasn’t ideal, but they did get a small fire started. It didn’t become a FIRE with HEAT until 2 pm. The 4 of us were laying on our couches and covered with blankets not speaking and frowning. Someone’s cell phone rang and we all thought for 2 seconds that the power was coming back on. That was funny. When it did come back on for real (The roar of our old beer fridge let us know), we started cheering.

In the meantime, the men shoveled, the women laid on the couch and my mother in law called over and over again to freak out.

Note to MILs everywhere: If you are freaked out about your DIL’s pregnancy, don’t call her when there is nothing anyone can do. It’s not like my main priority was shoveling the snow. I spent the day wrapped in blankets and keeping my core temperature normal. Sure, my nose and toes were chilly, but my house never fell below 53 degrees! I wouldn’t have had a problem if she hadn’t kept calling us. M actually yelled at her. So when the baby wasn’t moving much on Saturday night, I was extra freaked out.

Sunday was a finally a fun snowed in day. I made 4 (FOUR!) scrapbook pages for the baby book. I was afraid to start, but now I can’t stop! M made chili, I was warm and the neighbors came over for the superbowl (the baby LOVED Carrie Underwood singing. WTF?). I was sad when the front end loader came out around midnight to dig out our road.

So here I am, at work and everyone is talking about the 12-18” we’re supposed to get on Tuesday. Note to the weather: This is MARYLAND! Not the arctic!

On another note: I found out all the details of my short term disability pay from work. And it is CRAPPY. I get 6 weeks past my due date at 70% pay. That sounds good, right? Except that I have to be out of work 29 days before that kicks in. Meaning I will get paid for the 29th day through the 42nd day. That is 13 days (minus weekends). I will get 70% of two weeks of pay and we wanted me to stay home for 12 weeks. Haha! My job is to now sit down and go through the budget and find out how long I can stay home without making a huge dent in our savings. You’d think this would mean we would go into savings mode right now, but we’re trying to get new windows before the baby gets here. I need to make some spreadsheets.

26 Weeks

The most exciting thing about this week is LESS THAN 100 days!!! I am down to double digits. This is awesome.

The good: Most everything is good this week. I’ve been going to bed early, only waking up once or twice. I’ve had dancing in my belly and lots of frozen yogurt.

The bad: There’s the whole peeing thing (thanks for making me feel less weird about it… I figured it was just one of those things no one talked about). I’ve been having weird dreams (not a pregnancy symptom for me – I always have detailed wacko dreams) that sometimes include miscarriage dreams (or me getting eaten by sharks). The dreams are still scary, but the reassurance of a few kicks when I wake up help so much.

I can’t do much on weeknights. My back starts to hurt pretty bad after cleaning up from dinner, so I have to limit myself from doing anything after dinner. That’s not too bad, I guess. We’re late eaters and M does all the cooking. Good thing!

The ugly: I am very very very angry about the snow (Snow last weekend, snow this morning, snow this weekend). I’m supposed to have a great weekend planned. WTF, Snow?? I live in Maryland. It’s supposed to snow here twice a year and just be annoying cold rain the rest of the time. My mom is planning on coming down on Friday and then we’ll go register on Saturday morning. If she can’t come down this weekend then who knows when she’ll be able to visit again. I feel like a whiner. But this was going to be such a special weekend! I’ve been thinking about this for years!!! Ugh.

An entire post about pee

I think I’m pretty close to the crazy peeing part of pregnancy. It would be nice if I was already there and this was as bad as it gets. But I’m pretty sure it will get crazier. I have to say I love getting classic pregnancy symptoms! It makes me feel normal!

I’m pretty sure I have pee on my knee right now.

I get an amazing pressure in my belly area when I have to pee. It doesn’t even feel like it’s supposed to, it’s like I’ve had to re-learn that feeling. But it goes away the second I pee. And I pee a lot (as in a large amount) and it goes all over the place. I have to “be neat and wipe the seat” every time.

My favorite part of the day is when I get home from work and I can pee freely. Like take off my pants and contort my body into any position necessary to get all the pee out. I can’t do that in a work bathroom.

Over the weekend, M and I were doing...you know... and in the middle we had to stop so I could run to the bathroom. I had somehow gotten myself in a pee position and I almost peed all over him.

I wear only sweatpants at home because it is easier access for peeing.

I’m not even going to start with gas….

And I thought I had a pregnancy craving...

An email exchange from yesterday:

C: How is your day? I had a breakdown this morning and went to Dunkin Donuts to get a muffin. I needed it. I got doughnuts for the rest of the office, too. Now I am not really hungry for lunch.
M: What kind of breakdown? I hope you’re OK?!
C: I was so hungry. I thought I would die. I didn’t want anything but a muffin or a cheeseburger. It was 10 am, so I decided on a muffin. It wasn’t a mental breakdown.
M: Oh. A lot of time I want either a muffin or a cheeseburger also. This is completely normal.

Thank you notes

This is one of my favorite websites: Alphamom

The writers (I’m not even sure if there are more than one!) are awesome and seem like normal people. The pregnancy calendar is frickin fantastic and the advice column is one of the few where I don’t get angry at the columnist for being an idiot (good advice: Carolyn Hax, bad advice: Friend or Foe*).

Right, so back on topic. Today’s Advice Smackdown is from a woman who had a stillborn son. She was wondering about writing the thank you notes for all the wonderful things people had done for her. I was there (although not exactly in her shoes)and I remember the awfulness of those cards. Actually making the cards was wonderful and therapeutic (I’m crafty and I make my own cards. You wouldn’t ever guess that because I’m an engineer). Writing the actual thank you notes was terrible. I cried through every single one. I broke down in the middle and told M that I wasn’t supposed to be writing these cards. I was supposed to be taking care of a baby soon. I got them out before I even went back to work because I just needed to get that chore out of the way.

Amy’s advice today was perfect. I saw that a few people from our side of the web have chimed in on the comments. I’m going to keep this in the back of my mind – you know the things you remember *just in case* this happens to someone else. I never thought to offer to write someone else’s thank you notes. But now I will. I’ll bring over dinner and leave with a list of notes to write. And to never, ever expect one in return.

*So I think Friend or Foe sucks. It's not bad today, but if you are bored, go back to the early days and see what you can find. I read it because I love train wrecks.

25 Weeks

These weekly updates are starting to get monotonous… Sorry about that! I just like keeping a record of everything.

The good: The usual, movement is great, I’m starting to show more and more and my uncontrollable hunger is starting to get controlled. I’m still warm all the time, but that’s a good thing when it is 35 degrees outside. It’s a bad thing sometimes (see below), but I was kind of looking forward to this pregnancy symptom so I would stop being cold all the frickin time.

The bad: I am not sleeping well, even with my body pillow. I bought a huge one, which I LOVE, but now I’m hot. Of the two (intense back pain or sweating), I pick sweating. I might wake up just as often, but I’m falling asleep faster. M hates the pillow, but he cuddles with the side closest to him. Last night I was having trouble sleeping (because of stuff on my mind) and I crawled out of my nest and over to him. He was sleeping, but said, “yessssssss!” when I made him spoon me.

The ugly: I have lost all patience for anyone else’s petty emotional crap problems.
{drama removed}

Normal stuff: I told a client today about the baby. I’m supposed to start going on site visits for a building and I’m not about to go picking my way through muddy, uneven construction sites. I fall down on normal days on flat floors. I don’t want to trip over some rebar or risk anything. I told him that we wanted to go out to the site, but I wouldn’t be the one doing the visit. He was fine with that. I do really like site visits. You get to meet the people that call all the time and it’s time away from the desk! Plus, I’ll be the one doing all the work from the visit, so it’s usually best to get a glimpse of the actual construction. But I’d rather not go and my bosses have said they don’t want me doing anything I’m uncomfortable with. That’s a good thing! Not everyone has that luxury!

M finished working on the nursery/office closet and now I have shelves to put things on! Tonight we’ll be putting things on shelves in the guest bedroom and the nursery. Organizing makes me happy. Parts of my house are a huge mess right now, but parts of it are so clean! Woohoo!!!

24 weeks belly pic

This is a few days late, but I took this picture last Wednesday:



The boob overflow is way down because of Gap Maternity tank tops. Thanks Gap!

24 Week Appointment

I had my 24 week appointment this morning. Everything went great. I saw the doctor for about 5 minutes. She found the heartbeat immediately and then the baby moved, so she found it again. We were steady in the 140s. I will probably have the 1-hour glucose test at my next appointment in 4 weeks. I say probably because the doctor talked to me about it, but forgot to write it on the form. The lady scheduling appointment is going to make sure. My office doesn’t require fasting or anything before the test, so it will be fine if I have it and fine if I don’t.

A girl came in while we were waiting. She was there for a miscarriage follow-up. She had some questions about the paperwork and I knew what she was asking about. I wanted to run up to the counter and hug her and tell her that there are so many of us out here. But I knew that I couldn’t do it. I would have been so upset if someone had done that to me. I kept a look out for her when I was in the back doing the regular appointment stuff, but I didn’t see her. I remember sitting in the same waiting room and not looking at anyone because I didn’t want to see a smiling pregnant woman. So I sent her lots of little prayer and kept my face down. I hate hearing that this keeps happening.

Thanks for all the great comments on my last post. I checked on the tree this morning and hasn’t had any more damage. The picture is a “before” picture. I don’t want to take an after picture… so sad. M painted the office/nursery closet over the weekend, so I wasn’t allowed to get on the computer while the paint dried. Thank you!! Hopefully I’ll be able to catch up on ICLW today!

My Tree

Friday was a bad day.

We were getting ready to have our neighbors over for dinner when M came up the stairs and told me that the deer had eaten our little tree. I thought he meant a sad holly we planted a few years ago that just can't seem to keep up. He didn't. He meant the little tree in the backyard that my mom gave us in May. The little tree that I almost think of as my son.

I cried. I'm still crying.

I know he's not really in the tree, but I feel like I failed him. I went out during the snow storms to make sure the little tree was still upright, I watered it all summer. I love that tree.

And I failed him. I left it unprotected and now it looks like a sad stick in the ground.

I cried the kind of sobs that make husbands cry. He tried to calm me down because he didn't want me to do any harm to our new baby, but I couldn't stop. Then he did what men do best. He fixed the problem. He stood up and said, "Let's go." We went to home depot and bought a little wire fence and he installed it immediately, even though he should have been preparing dinner for our friends.

I'm still so sad about this, but I can't stop feeling grateful for M. I heard him go outside this morning to check on the tree. He already is the best father in the world. I am so lucky to have him.

Welcome ICLW!

Hi! Nice to meet you!

Here’s a little background on me – I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant. I had two miscarriages in 2009. The first was in January at 5 weeks and the second was a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks in May. I was diagnosed with heterozygous MTHFR and I have to believe that one baby aspirin a day is keeping this kid growing.

My current struggles are keeping the hope alive that this baby will be ok (and I’m doing well with this right now), keeping my stress level low at work and dealing with some people around me that make me crazy.

I’m in a good place right now that sometimes makes me feel even sadder – I cry more about my baby boy than I did earlier in my pregnancy, but less than I did before it. I think about how I missed out on so much with him, but then realize that I wouldn’t have this baby without him. It’s a weird place to be.

This is my A-Z that I did a long time ago.

My normal rambling for today:

I discussed reaching viability with M last night. He asked me what it meant and then said that we shouldn’t think about that right now. He’s right. I told him the signs of pre-term labor and how I don’t think I have any of them and then he talked about a ping-pong tournament at work.

He’s talking about making a career change. He’s so unhappy at work and I wish I could do something to help. He had one interview, but then his contact changed jobs so that kind of fell through the cracks. We talked about him getting his MBA and what that would take. It will be a lot of work and time… but M is a born leader. He’s a classic oldest child! An MBA is the way to go for him. I know it will be hard to start this fall with our life at home changing so much. We’ll have to make some sacrifices… it will probably mean staying in our house longer than we had planned, it will mean having to eat dinners that I cook, it will mean he’ll be away a few nights a week and need study time. But it feels right. I’m proud of him.

Today I’m going to a meeting and I tried to put on clothes that would kind of hide this belly. It’s not possible. My belly sticks out past my boobs now (barely). This project will be due in the summertime and I’m not trying to advertise that fact that I (probably) won’t be the one finishing it. I just don’t want to deal with the questions. I’ve never worked with any of these people before, so I don’t know if any of them will ask. They probably won’t even notice. I keep forgetting that I work with only men.

24 Weeks

So, 24 weeks! Neat!

The good: This kid keeps getting more and more active. I had a kick that made me sit straight up in bed and almost scream. I’ve started getting punched in the organs above the uterus (very lightly, but still uncomfortable). I’m talking to the baby more and we’re starting to work on the nursery.

I ordered a body pillow and I can’t wait to get it. I would really like to be able to sleep without crazy back pain. M tried to help, but then he rolls away from me after a few hours. Every night he gets into bed and tries to shape himself like a pillow. It doesn’t really work. We talked about the pillow and I’m sad that it will get in the way of cuddling, but… it’s only for a few months. And I told him he could cuddle with the pillow, too.

We got our first baby outfit! I went to have dinner at my aunt’s house and she gave us a little toy and two onesies. I play with them every day. I love them. I can’t believe we have baby clothes!

The great clean out continues – we cleaned out the closet in the office. It was filled. We got out 3 bags of recycling and 2 bags of trash. I also got rid of a ton of books that I’m taking to the second hand bookstore tonight. I’d say they are about one trash bag full. That puts the total at 18 trash bags of stuff removed from our house so far. M is going to buy some more shelving for our guest room and office/nursery closet today and he’ll get those up this weekend.

The bad: I’m stressed at work. It sucks. That’s why I haven’t been posting here very often. Thank goodness this kid is staying active or I’d be double stressed. I hate work stress and I’ve always made it a point to leave work stress at work, so I do have that going for me. M asked me last night how things were going and I think I surprised him but just venting for about 20 minutes… so maybe I’m not that good at keeping it separate. He helped me out, though. The bad stuff for this project should be over by the end of next week (or it will get worse). Let’s all hope it gets worked out.

Preggo brain – not a myth. I left my purse at work last night (probably a mixture of preggo brain + stress). I don’t remember anything. Ever.

The ugly: I am now officially the hot, sweaty pregnant woman. I have to take my shoes off before lunch because my feet get sweaty. I’m worried that when I stand up everyone will see how sweaty my butt is.

100th post

Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary and my 100th post!

Happy Anniversary, M. I’m not going to post a mushy love letter to him here, but I’m so lucky to have him as a husband. I’d be a disaster without him. I promise I don’t really want to name our kid Heathcliff.

For my 100th post, here is an idea I stole from Kym:

I played around with this back in the summer and the picture was totally different. This isn't totally filled with positive words, but miscarriage is pretty small now and happy is getting bigger.

I saw a kick from the outside yesterday. Of course M wasn't watching, but I saw it!

Updated: Here is the link to Wordle. I used their site to make my fun word jumble.

23 Weeks

Keep on truckin’. I’m feeling good.

The good: Lots of movement. Not a lot of back pain this week. M was able to feel the baby move a few times this weekend. We were laying in bed over the weekend and I started getting some big kicks. I made him hold his hand over the spot for a while when we got a bunch of good kicks right in a row. He was smiling so much. Later on that day he hugged me and told me, “I felt the baby this morning!”

We talked about names a little more. M had two favorite names (which I don’t like). I have two favorite names. He likes the girl name, but isn’t too sure about the boy name. The baby name book is on the coffee table and we both pick it up and look at it, but we don’t talk much about it. I know lots of couples pick out names before they even get married. We are not like those couples. I’ve convinced some friends that we’re naming the kid Xavier Yvonne (our last name starts with a Z). They believe me.

My mom is going to come down in early February and we’re going to register. We have officially picked the nursery furniture. We still won’t order anything for a while. But we know.

The bad: Nothing bad this week. I do freak out when I don’t feel movement for like… 5 minutes. Then I talk some sense into myself and calm down. Then usually I get a nudge or a kick.

The ugly: The zits came back last weekend. It was gross. Then they went away again. I’m still cranky and tired. I have a short fuse right now and some people are rubbing me the wrong way. I wish I could just growl at them. Work is stressful for stupid reasons and someone outside is using a landscaping tool that makes annoying noises.

January 10, 2009

One year ago, I woke up in the middle of the night to severe cramping and lost my first baby. I was 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I knew it was coming and I'd been waiting a few days with only a little hope. I had no idea what to expect. I couldn't stop crying.

Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night because a new baby was moving around all over the place. I couldn't stop smiling.

I couldn't be happier about where I am today and the contrast between myself one year ago and myself today is immeasurable.

My hopes are high right now. I hope that I'll be posting a similar thought on May 18th. One year after the worst days of my life, I hope to be experiencing the best days.

22 Weeks

Twenty-Two weeks is the REAL halfway point if you listen to Ms J. (and maybe you should, she’s pretty cool).

The good: Still getting those kicks, and even though they are sometimes uncomfortable, I won’t adjust how I’m sitting just so I can feel them. I haven’t had any more Braxton-Hicks.

The bad: Itchy skin and back pain. I’d still rather have these things than not have them, but they blow.

The ugly: Me in maternity clothes. I LOVE them, but I don’t really like this in-between stage. I look a little silly in these clothes that will fit me down the road. I think this is pretty common. We don’t fit into anything right now. I had a client come in yesterday and I was wearing a tent shirt, but it just looks like I’m wearing it for fun. He kind of glanced at me, but I didn’t say anything to him. I don’t really talk to him much anyway. Last time, I worked with a guy and talked to him every day. He knew and then I had to tell him about the miscarriage. It was weird. Now clients will know about this when I send out a message about going on maternity leave.

Another weird thing is delegating out my projects. Anything that I’m starting now be in progress or finish when I’m away. So I’m making sure someone else is aware of everything I do. That’s kind of tough for me. I’m independent at work and I like to do everything myself. Asking for help at work now will probably help me ask for help when I really need it.

*Notice how I said WHEN. I am getting better. When I think that I still have 18 more weeks to go, I get a little scared. But knowing that my baby is fine right now is helping.

Braxton Hicks

Ok, well now I know what Braxton-Hicks contractions feel like. And the articles are right-on.

Yesterday afternoon I was working and my stomach/uterus area felt tight. I walked around a little and it was mildly uncomfortable. I didn’t think much about it. It went away after a while, but I wasn’t focused on it.

Yesterday night, it happened again and it was crazy uncomfortable. It didn’t hurt at all, I just couldn’t get comfortable. And my uterus area was hard as a rock. It took a while to go away and once it did, I was almost sore and I just kept hoping it wouldn’t come back. Of course, we went to bed in the middle of it, so I had plenty of time to get worked up about it. I convinced myself it was the beginning of the end. It took me about an hour and a half to finally fall asleep. Then I woke up because I drank a sh!t-ton of water before bed (I remembered something about dehydration causing the contractions). It hasn’t happened since then and I looked up the articles on Braxton Hicks this morning. It’s the first time the internet has actually calmed me down. I haven’t had anything happen since last night (except for the monster kicks and flips all morning).

I told M about it this morning. “That just means you are getting bigger.” Thanks, Dr M.

Shopping!

So, happy 2010! I didn’t do a year in review post… I guess we could all just go back and read my posts from the last year. But I like reading everyone else’s! That kept me busy all morning!

I think I’ve changed. I am actually starting to think this is for real. I might really really have a baby in May. I need to start believing it, because my house is starting to believe it! We’ve cleaned out so much stuff to make room for another person in our townhouse. Not that we have a tiny house, we’ve just expanded to fill the whole thing! We got 7 trash bags from our bedroom (5 goodwill, 2 trash) over Christmas and 5 more (1 recycling, 2 trash, 2 goodwill) from the guest bedroom over New Year’s. I’m still not done in that room. I need to do my yearly purge of books. I only get rid of books I don’t like and I give them to my mom. She works at a hospital and they sell used books in the gift shop. That’s great idea. I apologize, people stuck in the hospital, for giving you the books I don’t like. But you might enjoy them!

We did something drastic on Saturday. We went to Babies R Us. This was the first time M has ever been in a real BRU. He has been shopping for baby gifts at the crappy Toys R Us baby section, but he has never seen the glory that is BRU. He was overwhelmed (surprise!). The car seat/stroller part really blew him away. We walked through the 3 aisles of these things and he was sweating. I told him our plan (we’re going to use his parent’s Consumer Reports account to do some research and narrow it down to a few). He felt better and we moved on. We picked out the nursery furniture we’ll buy. For realz. We’re still kind of looking and I’ve learned that we don’t have many other options. The local places just don’t sell cribs, which makes us sad. I found one store that has one crib/nursery set and we’ll check it out this week. I plan on actually purchasing the furniture sometime after my next appointment (Jan 25th – 24 weeks, 5 days). So sometime in February. M seems to think the only furniture our kid will ever need is a bed and a small dresser. I’m going to push for the bookcase because any kid of mine is going to need a place to keep books. I’ll let you know who wins.

So that’s exciting. We’re getting the house ready. I should take some before pictures of the computer/craft room so you’ll know what a mess this is. I am still happy that we painted the room yellow 4 years ago. One less thing on the list!