What I did on my snowy weekend

I think I’m a little tired of snow. We broke the records for snowfall in Maryland and we’re about to get more. I’m not nearly as tired as poor M, who had to shovel us out. We are so lucky to have friends next door, so M doesn’t have to shovel alone. It’s more like hanging out with his friend instead of being a chore. I like watching them dig and laugh together.

I left work early on Friday afternoon when the snow started picking up. I’m not about to risk anything with this baby. It didn’t really start to stick until after I would have gotten home normally, but whatever. I got all of the weekend chores finished before it was even officially the weekend!! That was awesome.

Anyway, snow, snow everywhere and I was the only one who couldn’t drink!

This is a view of the windows looking onto our deck. The snow was drifted, so it looks a bit worse than it really is... but it's deep! The piles between driveways are over 7' tall!



Our power went out at 3 am on Saturday morning. This means M didn’t sleep at all after that as he went into man mode and needed to protect us. At first, he just laid in bed and complained about being cold and yelled at me for throwing the covers off. He was trying to keep warm by spooning me, which just made me sweat like a pregnant lady. He got out of bed around 7 and somehow he got our neighbor, A, to start a fire in our fireplace. We made a fire back in 2004 and never did it again. We have a small woodpile under the deck with a ton of old wood. It wasn’t ideal, but they did get a small fire started. It didn’t become a FIRE with HEAT until 2 pm. The 4 of us were laying on our couches and covered with blankets not speaking and frowning. Someone’s cell phone rang and we all thought for 2 seconds that the power was coming back on. That was funny. When it did come back on for real (The roar of our old beer fridge let us know), we started cheering.

In the meantime, the men shoveled, the women laid on the couch and my mother in law called over and over again to freak out.

Note to MILs everywhere: If you are freaked out about your DIL’s pregnancy, don’t call her when there is nothing anyone can do. It’s not like my main priority was shoveling the snow. I spent the day wrapped in blankets and keeping my core temperature normal. Sure, my nose and toes were chilly, but my house never fell below 53 degrees! I wouldn’t have had a problem if she hadn’t kept calling us. M actually yelled at her. So when the baby wasn’t moving much on Saturday night, I was extra freaked out.

Sunday was a finally a fun snowed in day. I made 4 (FOUR!) scrapbook pages for the baby book. I was afraid to start, but now I can’t stop! M made chili, I was warm and the neighbors came over for the superbowl (the baby LOVED Carrie Underwood singing. WTF?). I was sad when the front end loader came out around midnight to dig out our road.

So here I am, at work and everyone is talking about the 12-18” we’re supposed to get on Tuesday. Note to the weather: This is MARYLAND! Not the arctic!

On another note: I found out all the details of my short term disability pay from work. And it is CRAPPY. I get 6 weeks past my due date at 70% pay. That sounds good, right? Except that I have to be out of work 29 days before that kicks in. Meaning I will get paid for the 29th day through the 42nd day. That is 13 days (minus weekends). I will get 70% of two weeks of pay and we wanted me to stay home for 12 weeks. Haha! My job is to now sit down and go through the budget and find out how long I can stay home without making a huge dent in our savings. You’d think this would mean we would go into savings mode right now, but we’re trying to get new windows before the baby gets here. I need to make some spreadsheets.

26 Weeks

The most exciting thing about this week is LESS THAN 100 days!!! I am down to double digits. This is awesome.

The good: Most everything is good this week. I’ve been going to bed early, only waking up once or twice. I’ve had dancing in my belly and lots of frozen yogurt.

The bad: There’s the whole peeing thing (thanks for making me feel less weird about it… I figured it was just one of those things no one talked about). I’ve been having weird dreams (not a pregnancy symptom for me – I always have detailed wacko dreams) that sometimes include miscarriage dreams (or me getting eaten by sharks). The dreams are still scary, but the reassurance of a few kicks when I wake up help so much.

I can’t do much on weeknights. My back starts to hurt pretty bad after cleaning up from dinner, so I have to limit myself from doing anything after dinner. That’s not too bad, I guess. We’re late eaters and M does all the cooking. Good thing!

The ugly: I am very very very angry about the snow (Snow last weekend, snow this morning, snow this weekend). I’m supposed to have a great weekend planned. WTF, Snow?? I live in Maryland. It’s supposed to snow here twice a year and just be annoying cold rain the rest of the time. My mom is planning on coming down on Friday and then we’ll go register on Saturday morning. If she can’t come down this weekend then who knows when she’ll be able to visit again. I feel like a whiner. But this was going to be such a special weekend! I’ve been thinking about this for years!!! Ugh.

An entire post about pee

I think I’m pretty close to the crazy peeing part of pregnancy. It would be nice if I was already there and this was as bad as it gets. But I’m pretty sure it will get crazier. I have to say I love getting classic pregnancy symptoms! It makes me feel normal!

I’m pretty sure I have pee on my knee right now.

I get an amazing pressure in my belly area when I have to pee. It doesn’t even feel like it’s supposed to, it’s like I’ve had to re-learn that feeling. But it goes away the second I pee. And I pee a lot (as in a large amount) and it goes all over the place. I have to “be neat and wipe the seat” every time.

My favorite part of the day is when I get home from work and I can pee freely. Like take off my pants and contort my body into any position necessary to get all the pee out. I can’t do that in a work bathroom.

Over the weekend, M and I were doing...you know... and in the middle we had to stop so I could run to the bathroom. I had somehow gotten myself in a pee position and I almost peed all over him.

I wear only sweatpants at home because it is easier access for peeing.

I’m not even going to start with gas….

And I thought I had a pregnancy craving...

An email exchange from yesterday:

C: How is your day? I had a breakdown this morning and went to Dunkin Donuts to get a muffin. I needed it. I got doughnuts for the rest of the office, too. Now I am not really hungry for lunch.
M: What kind of breakdown? I hope you’re OK?!
C: I was so hungry. I thought I would die. I didn’t want anything but a muffin or a cheeseburger. It was 10 am, so I decided on a muffin. It wasn’t a mental breakdown.
M: Oh. A lot of time I want either a muffin or a cheeseburger also. This is completely normal.

Thank you notes

This is one of my favorite websites: Alphamom

The writers (I’m not even sure if there are more than one!) are awesome and seem like normal people. The pregnancy calendar is frickin fantastic and the advice column is one of the few where I don’t get angry at the columnist for being an idiot (good advice: Carolyn Hax, bad advice: Friend or Foe*).

Right, so back on topic. Today’s Advice Smackdown is from a woman who had a stillborn son. She was wondering about writing the thank you notes for all the wonderful things people had done for her. I was there (although not exactly in her shoes)and I remember the awfulness of those cards. Actually making the cards was wonderful and therapeutic (I’m crafty and I make my own cards. You wouldn’t ever guess that because I’m an engineer). Writing the actual thank you notes was terrible. I cried through every single one. I broke down in the middle and told M that I wasn’t supposed to be writing these cards. I was supposed to be taking care of a baby soon. I got them out before I even went back to work because I just needed to get that chore out of the way.

Amy’s advice today was perfect. I saw that a few people from our side of the web have chimed in on the comments. I’m going to keep this in the back of my mind – you know the things you remember *just in case* this happens to someone else. I never thought to offer to write someone else’s thank you notes. But now I will. I’ll bring over dinner and leave with a list of notes to write. And to never, ever expect one in return.

*So I think Friend or Foe sucks. It's not bad today, but if you are bored, go back to the early days and see what you can find. I read it because I love train wrecks.

25 Weeks

These weekly updates are starting to get monotonous… Sorry about that! I just like keeping a record of everything.

The good: The usual, movement is great, I’m starting to show more and more and my uncontrollable hunger is starting to get controlled. I’m still warm all the time, but that’s a good thing when it is 35 degrees outside. It’s a bad thing sometimes (see below), but I was kind of looking forward to this pregnancy symptom so I would stop being cold all the frickin time.

The bad: I am not sleeping well, even with my body pillow. I bought a huge one, which I LOVE, but now I’m hot. Of the two (intense back pain or sweating), I pick sweating. I might wake up just as often, but I’m falling asleep faster. M hates the pillow, but he cuddles with the side closest to him. Last night I was having trouble sleeping (because of stuff on my mind) and I crawled out of my nest and over to him. He was sleeping, but said, “yessssssss!” when I made him spoon me.

The ugly: I have lost all patience for anyone else’s petty emotional crap problems.
{drama removed}

Normal stuff: I told a client today about the baby. I’m supposed to start going on site visits for a building and I’m not about to go picking my way through muddy, uneven construction sites. I fall down on normal days on flat floors. I don’t want to trip over some rebar or risk anything. I told him that we wanted to go out to the site, but I wouldn’t be the one doing the visit. He was fine with that. I do really like site visits. You get to meet the people that call all the time and it’s time away from the desk! Plus, I’ll be the one doing all the work from the visit, so it’s usually best to get a glimpse of the actual construction. But I’d rather not go and my bosses have said they don’t want me doing anything I’m uncomfortable with. That’s a good thing! Not everyone has that luxury!

M finished working on the nursery/office closet and now I have shelves to put things on! Tonight we’ll be putting things on shelves in the guest bedroom and the nursery. Organizing makes me happy. Parts of my house are a huge mess right now, but parts of it are so clean! Woohoo!!!

24 weeks belly pic

This is a few days late, but I took this picture last Wednesday:



The boob overflow is way down because of Gap Maternity tank tops. Thanks Gap!

24 Week Appointment

I had my 24 week appointment this morning. Everything went great. I saw the doctor for about 5 minutes. She found the heartbeat immediately and then the baby moved, so she found it again. We were steady in the 140s. I will probably have the 1-hour glucose test at my next appointment in 4 weeks. I say probably because the doctor talked to me about it, but forgot to write it on the form. The lady scheduling appointment is going to make sure. My office doesn’t require fasting or anything before the test, so it will be fine if I have it and fine if I don’t.

A girl came in while we were waiting. She was there for a miscarriage follow-up. She had some questions about the paperwork and I knew what she was asking about. I wanted to run up to the counter and hug her and tell her that there are so many of us out here. But I knew that I couldn’t do it. I would have been so upset if someone had done that to me. I kept a look out for her when I was in the back doing the regular appointment stuff, but I didn’t see her. I remember sitting in the same waiting room and not looking at anyone because I didn’t want to see a smiling pregnant woman. So I sent her lots of little prayer and kept my face down. I hate hearing that this keeps happening.

Thanks for all the great comments on my last post. I checked on the tree this morning and hasn’t had any more damage. The picture is a “before” picture. I don’t want to take an after picture… so sad. M painted the office/nursery closet over the weekend, so I wasn’t allowed to get on the computer while the paint dried. Thank you!! Hopefully I’ll be able to catch up on ICLW today!

My Tree

Friday was a bad day.

We were getting ready to have our neighbors over for dinner when M came up the stairs and told me that the deer had eaten our little tree. I thought he meant a sad holly we planted a few years ago that just can't seem to keep up. He didn't. He meant the little tree in the backyard that my mom gave us in May. The little tree that I almost think of as my son.

I cried. I'm still crying.

I know he's not really in the tree, but I feel like I failed him. I went out during the snow storms to make sure the little tree was still upright, I watered it all summer. I love that tree.

And I failed him. I left it unprotected and now it looks like a sad stick in the ground.

I cried the kind of sobs that make husbands cry. He tried to calm me down because he didn't want me to do any harm to our new baby, but I couldn't stop. Then he did what men do best. He fixed the problem. He stood up and said, "Let's go." We went to home depot and bought a little wire fence and he installed it immediately, even though he should have been preparing dinner for our friends.

I'm still so sad about this, but I can't stop feeling grateful for M. I heard him go outside this morning to check on the tree. He already is the best father in the world. I am so lucky to have him.

Welcome ICLW!

Hi! Nice to meet you!

Here’s a little background on me – I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant. I had two miscarriages in 2009. The first was in January at 5 weeks and the second was a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks in May. I was diagnosed with heterozygous MTHFR and I have to believe that one baby aspirin a day is keeping this kid growing.

My current struggles are keeping the hope alive that this baby will be ok (and I’m doing well with this right now), keeping my stress level low at work and dealing with some people around me that make me crazy.

I’m in a good place right now that sometimes makes me feel even sadder – I cry more about my baby boy than I did earlier in my pregnancy, but less than I did before it. I think about how I missed out on so much with him, but then realize that I wouldn’t have this baby without him. It’s a weird place to be.

This is my A-Z that I did a long time ago.

My normal rambling for today:

I discussed reaching viability with M last night. He asked me what it meant and then said that we shouldn’t think about that right now. He’s right. I told him the signs of pre-term labor and how I don’t think I have any of them and then he talked about a ping-pong tournament at work.

He’s talking about making a career change. He’s so unhappy at work and I wish I could do something to help. He had one interview, but then his contact changed jobs so that kind of fell through the cracks. We talked about him getting his MBA and what that would take. It will be a lot of work and time… but M is a born leader. He’s a classic oldest child! An MBA is the way to go for him. I know it will be hard to start this fall with our life at home changing so much. We’ll have to make some sacrifices… it will probably mean staying in our house longer than we had planned, it will mean having to eat dinners that I cook, it will mean he’ll be away a few nights a week and need study time. But it feels right. I’m proud of him.

Today I’m going to a meeting and I tried to put on clothes that would kind of hide this belly. It’s not possible. My belly sticks out past my boobs now (barely). This project will be due in the summertime and I’m not trying to advertise that fact that I (probably) won’t be the one finishing it. I just don’t want to deal with the questions. I’ve never worked with any of these people before, so I don’t know if any of them will ask. They probably won’t even notice. I keep forgetting that I work with only men.

24 Weeks

So, 24 weeks! Neat!

The good: This kid keeps getting more and more active. I had a kick that made me sit straight up in bed and almost scream. I’ve started getting punched in the organs above the uterus (very lightly, but still uncomfortable). I’m talking to the baby more and we’re starting to work on the nursery.

I ordered a body pillow and I can’t wait to get it. I would really like to be able to sleep without crazy back pain. M tried to help, but then he rolls away from me after a few hours. Every night he gets into bed and tries to shape himself like a pillow. It doesn’t really work. We talked about the pillow and I’m sad that it will get in the way of cuddling, but… it’s only for a few months. And I told him he could cuddle with the pillow, too.

We got our first baby outfit! I went to have dinner at my aunt’s house and she gave us a little toy and two onesies. I play with them every day. I love them. I can’t believe we have baby clothes!

The great clean out continues – we cleaned out the closet in the office. It was filled. We got out 3 bags of recycling and 2 bags of trash. I also got rid of a ton of books that I’m taking to the second hand bookstore tonight. I’d say they are about one trash bag full. That puts the total at 18 trash bags of stuff removed from our house so far. M is going to buy some more shelving for our guest room and office/nursery closet today and he’ll get those up this weekend.

The bad: I’m stressed at work. It sucks. That’s why I haven’t been posting here very often. Thank goodness this kid is staying active or I’d be double stressed. I hate work stress and I’ve always made it a point to leave work stress at work, so I do have that going for me. M asked me last night how things were going and I think I surprised him but just venting for about 20 minutes… so maybe I’m not that good at keeping it separate. He helped me out, though. The bad stuff for this project should be over by the end of next week (or it will get worse). Let’s all hope it gets worked out.

Preggo brain – not a myth. I left my purse at work last night (probably a mixture of preggo brain + stress). I don’t remember anything. Ever.

The ugly: I am now officially the hot, sweaty pregnant woman. I have to take my shoes off before lunch because my feet get sweaty. I’m worried that when I stand up everyone will see how sweaty my butt is.

100th post

Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary and my 100th post!

Happy Anniversary, M. I’m not going to post a mushy love letter to him here, but I’m so lucky to have him as a husband. I’d be a disaster without him. I promise I don’t really want to name our kid Heathcliff.

For my 100th post, here is an idea I stole from Kym:

I played around with this back in the summer and the picture was totally different. This isn't totally filled with positive words, but miscarriage is pretty small now and happy is getting bigger.

I saw a kick from the outside yesterday. Of course M wasn't watching, but I saw it!

Updated: Here is the link to Wordle. I used their site to make my fun word jumble.

23 Weeks

Keep on truckin’. I’m feeling good.

The good: Lots of movement. Not a lot of back pain this week. M was able to feel the baby move a few times this weekend. We were laying in bed over the weekend and I started getting some big kicks. I made him hold his hand over the spot for a while when we got a bunch of good kicks right in a row. He was smiling so much. Later on that day he hugged me and told me, “I felt the baby this morning!”

We talked about names a little more. M had two favorite names (which I don’t like). I have two favorite names. He likes the girl name, but isn’t too sure about the boy name. The baby name book is on the coffee table and we both pick it up and look at it, but we don’t talk much about it. I know lots of couples pick out names before they even get married. We are not like those couples. I’ve convinced some friends that we’re naming the kid Xavier Yvonne (our last name starts with a Z). They believe me.

My mom is going to come down in early February and we’re going to register. We have officially picked the nursery furniture. We still won’t order anything for a while. But we know.

The bad: Nothing bad this week. I do freak out when I don’t feel movement for like… 5 minutes. Then I talk some sense into myself and calm down. Then usually I get a nudge or a kick.

The ugly: The zits came back last weekend. It was gross. Then they went away again. I’m still cranky and tired. I have a short fuse right now and some people are rubbing me the wrong way. I wish I could just growl at them. Work is stressful for stupid reasons and someone outside is using a landscaping tool that makes annoying noises.

January 10, 2009

One year ago, I woke up in the middle of the night to severe cramping and lost my first baby. I was 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I knew it was coming and I'd been waiting a few days with only a little hope. I had no idea what to expect. I couldn't stop crying.

Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night because a new baby was moving around all over the place. I couldn't stop smiling.

I couldn't be happier about where I am today and the contrast between myself one year ago and myself today is immeasurable.

My hopes are high right now. I hope that I'll be posting a similar thought on May 18th. One year after the worst days of my life, I hope to be experiencing the best days.

22 Weeks

Twenty-Two weeks is the REAL halfway point if you listen to Ms J. (and maybe you should, she’s pretty cool).

The good: Still getting those kicks, and even though they are sometimes uncomfortable, I won’t adjust how I’m sitting just so I can feel them. I haven’t had any more Braxton-Hicks.

The bad: Itchy skin and back pain. I’d still rather have these things than not have them, but they blow.

The ugly: Me in maternity clothes. I LOVE them, but I don’t really like this in-between stage. I look a little silly in these clothes that will fit me down the road. I think this is pretty common. We don’t fit into anything right now. I had a client come in yesterday and I was wearing a tent shirt, but it just looks like I’m wearing it for fun. He kind of glanced at me, but I didn’t say anything to him. I don’t really talk to him much anyway. Last time, I worked with a guy and talked to him every day. He knew and then I had to tell him about the miscarriage. It was weird. Now clients will know about this when I send out a message about going on maternity leave.

Another weird thing is delegating out my projects. Anything that I’m starting now be in progress or finish when I’m away. So I’m making sure someone else is aware of everything I do. That’s kind of tough for me. I’m independent at work and I like to do everything myself. Asking for help at work now will probably help me ask for help when I really need it.

*Notice how I said WHEN. I am getting better. When I think that I still have 18 more weeks to go, I get a little scared. But knowing that my baby is fine right now is helping.

Braxton Hicks

Ok, well now I know what Braxton-Hicks contractions feel like. And the articles are right-on.

Yesterday afternoon I was working and my stomach/uterus area felt tight. I walked around a little and it was mildly uncomfortable. I didn’t think much about it. It went away after a while, but I wasn’t focused on it.

Yesterday night, it happened again and it was crazy uncomfortable. It didn’t hurt at all, I just couldn’t get comfortable. And my uterus area was hard as a rock. It took a while to go away and once it did, I was almost sore and I just kept hoping it wouldn’t come back. Of course, we went to bed in the middle of it, so I had plenty of time to get worked up about it. I convinced myself it was the beginning of the end. It took me about an hour and a half to finally fall asleep. Then I woke up because I drank a sh!t-ton of water before bed (I remembered something about dehydration causing the contractions). It hasn’t happened since then and I looked up the articles on Braxton Hicks this morning. It’s the first time the internet has actually calmed me down. I haven’t had anything happen since last night (except for the monster kicks and flips all morning).

I told M about it this morning. “That just means you are getting bigger.” Thanks, Dr M.

Shopping!

So, happy 2010! I didn’t do a year in review post… I guess we could all just go back and read my posts from the last year. But I like reading everyone else’s! That kept me busy all morning!

I think I’ve changed. I am actually starting to think this is for real. I might really really have a baby in May. I need to start believing it, because my house is starting to believe it! We’ve cleaned out so much stuff to make room for another person in our townhouse. Not that we have a tiny house, we’ve just expanded to fill the whole thing! We got 7 trash bags from our bedroom (5 goodwill, 2 trash) over Christmas and 5 more (1 recycling, 2 trash, 2 goodwill) from the guest bedroom over New Year’s. I’m still not done in that room. I need to do my yearly purge of books. I only get rid of books I don’t like and I give them to my mom. She works at a hospital and they sell used books in the gift shop. That’s great idea. I apologize, people stuck in the hospital, for giving you the books I don’t like. But you might enjoy them!

We did something drastic on Saturday. We went to Babies R Us. This was the first time M has ever been in a real BRU. He has been shopping for baby gifts at the crappy Toys R Us baby section, but he has never seen the glory that is BRU. He was overwhelmed (surprise!). The car seat/stroller part really blew him away. We walked through the 3 aisles of these things and he was sweating. I told him our plan (we’re going to use his parent’s Consumer Reports account to do some research and narrow it down to a few). He felt better and we moved on. We picked out the nursery furniture we’ll buy. For realz. We’re still kind of looking and I’ve learned that we don’t have many other options. The local places just don’t sell cribs, which makes us sad. I found one store that has one crib/nursery set and we’ll check it out this week. I plan on actually purchasing the furniture sometime after my next appointment (Jan 25th – 24 weeks, 5 days). So sometime in February. M seems to think the only furniture our kid will ever need is a bed and a small dresser. I’m going to push for the bookcase because any kid of mine is going to need a place to keep books. I’ll let you know who wins.

So that’s exciting. We’re getting the house ready. I should take some before pictures of the computer/craft room so you’ll know what a mess this is. I am still happy that we painted the room yellow 4 years ago. One less thing on the list!

21 Weeks - Belly pic

For Leda... if you look closely you can see that I wrote "picture" on my hand so I wouldn't forget tonight.

Also, check out that boob overflow! H-O-T!!

Damn, girl! I think that bump looks better in pictures than it does in person!

21 Weeks!

Is this a milestone where the baby can start drinking? That would be nice (and timely) for tomorrow!

Ah, alas… I will not drink tomorrow. My 2nd NYE without the booze.

Anyway, back to 21 weeks!

The Good: movement, movement, movement, maternity clothes.

The Bad: Dropping Sh!t. I was bad at dropping stuff before. Now I’m awful. We made breakfast for the inlaws on Saturday and I dropped a piece of cheese of the ground. My brother in law was right there, so I gave it to him to throw away. I looked up ten seconds later and caught his eye. He was eating it.

I broke the scale this morning! M told me I must be getting really fat now! I lost my balance when I stepped on it and cracked the window. M does not think this is funny.

The Ugly: That wasteland between my boobs is gross. I am a “blessed” girl in that area and, since September, I’ve become more blessed. I need to get new bras. I KNOW it. Right now, my chest is crammed into an old bra and I itch like mad. This happened before. I have zits in between my boobs, so I decided to put some medicine on it (benzyl peroxide only). The medicine is fine on my face, but apparently gives me a gross rash when used elsewhere. Gross. GROSS. All red and itchy. And to make it worse, I keep dropping saltines down there and they make the itching worse. I want to go to the fancy store to get fitted by the fancy people and find good maternity bras that will last. But I’m afraid to go there with my zits and rash. I’ll wait for the rash to clear up and then re-evaluate.

The Question: I’m headed to the bookstore to use some gift cards this weekend. We’re going to get a baby name book. I also want to get The Happiest Baby on the Block. Any other recommendations for a not-to-crunchy future mom? Maybe a book about birth that will make me feel good about my decision to go drug free until I feel the tiniest bit uncomfortable (just so I can say I tried?).

The Update: A coworker just asked me if I'm pregnant! I thought everyone knew, but he wasn't here the day I told everybody. I'm so excited!

So Much to Say

I should have posted over the weekend. I can’t believe how much stuff I need to talk about! I’ll go in reverse order.

Appointment:

I had my doctor appointment Monday at 4 pm. Only one doctor was there, so we had to wait forever. That was fine. I read a magazine and M looked at a Chesapeake Bay picture book. I’m afraid we’re going to be driving around looking for spots he found in the book. The was the first appointment for this pregnancy where I wasn’t afraid. The baby was kicking me while we were waiting, and I was so happy to be able to relax. The nurse didn’t even pause or make a face when she took my blood pressure! I gained some weight, too (although the weight might have been the gigantic pit beef sandwich I had for lunch!). The baby’s heart rate was in the 140s the entire time. We got to hear it for a while because I asked the doctor some questions and she held the Doppler on my stomach while she answered them.

My questions and answers:
Q: Can you recommend a place for infant CPR?
A: Check out the American Heart Association website. I didn’t think this was very helpful. The only thing I could find was a kit so you can learn at home. I see the good points – We could do this whenever we wanted and then pass it on to family and friends. The bad points are that you don’t have an instructor watching you to tell you if your technique is wrong. That makes me nervous. I found some classes that the county offers for free. It is a long class, 8:30 – 1:30 on a Saturday. But you learn everything CPR related. That can’t hurt. I’ll talk to M to see if he has a preference.

Q: How long do you allow a pregnancy to last before induction?
A: If all is going well, they will induce at 41 weeks. If I get dilated and stall out around 3 cm for a week or so, they will induce after 39 weeks. This is only for normal sized babies and no health problems. I just wanted to know the policy.

Q: What do I need to do for cord blood donation?
A: Information is on this website. I think this website (you have to register) is run by a cord blood bank, so they make the donation sound like a terrible idea. We are more interested in donation, so I need to research a little more. I need to talk to my mom about this, too.

Q: Now that I’m feeling movement, when should I call if I notice a decrease in activity?
A: If I go more than a day without feeling anything, I can call and they’ll take a look at the baby. I am supposed to drink juice and then lay down to check for movement before calling (I’ve heard this everywhere). Around 24 weeks, I should start paying more attention and call if I don’t feel anything for a few hours. I’ve already noticed a pattern – I’ll have one day of crazy activity followed by a day or two of just random kicking.

Movement:

Like I said to the doctor, the kicks/punches are getting more and more regular and harder. M was able to feel one over the weekend. He’s so impatient! He’ll hold his hand there for about 10 seconds and then say he can’t feel anything. This one time, the baby had good timing and got him with a good, strong punch right in the palm of his hand.

Christmas:

Christmastime was great. We went to my parent’s house on Christmas eve and had brunch with friends and then dinner with my dad’s sister’s family. My brother and his family came over for breakfast on Christmas, my other brother and his wife came over for dinner. Then we went home so we could have M’s parents over for breakfast on Saturday. We spent Saturday afternoon at M’s aunt’s house with that entire side of the family. Then I passed out from exhaustion. Sunday and Monday were pure at-home days. We organized our closets and got rid of 7 trash bags of clothes. I moved everything I can’t wear out of reach and my closet looks empty. I have some generous friends and family! So many people gave me maternity clothes for my birthday and Christmas. I have plenty to wear for the next few months! Two people gave me maternity clothes to borrow. I had a fashion show for M. My friend’s clothes were fine, but M’s aunt’s clothes were hysterical. They were pretty old and I think that elastic may not have been invented for these clothes. She had 2 jumpsuits (I don’t know what else to call them). They were pants that kind of had a tank top attached to them? And had all the room you could ever need for a baby. I almost kept those just for the story. M would not let me take a picture.

That whole coworker situation:

{Removed so I don't have to worry about this biting me in the ass one day}

Sorry for the all over the place post! I’m caught up here now. I have 66 unread blogs in my reader!!

Bump picture to come tomorrow or the day after. I completely missed week 20!

20 Weeks!

Ohhhh-oh We’re halfway there!!!
OOOHHHH OHH! Livin’ on a prayer!!!
Take my hand and we’ll make it, I swear!

I hope that made your day. What’s better than a little Bon Jovi to light up the morning? My absolute favorite Bon Jovi song is “I Wish Everyday Could be Like Christmas” because it is true and beautiful. Bon Jovi, you speak to my soul….

Right, where was I? 20 whole weeks pregnant? With a baby that kicks me and lets me know s/he’s still there?

The good: The kicks, the flips, the acid reflux! I’m starting to feel like a real pregnant woman! I spent all weekend with a baby who wouldn’t slow down. My heart just bursts with all this activity. I could cry right now. I could cry at any second. I cry a lot because I’m so full of love and happiness this Christmas.

I loved this snowstorm over the weekend. I couldn’t shovel, so I got to follow around a 5 year old neighbor who wanted to walk around in other people’s footprints. I promise I tried to get her to not eat the icicle she picked off a car… but I kind of wanted to do it too.

M is being so cute with the snow and ice. Whenever we walk outside, he holds my hand and takes me to the car door so I won’t slip. I wish I could say this was just because of the pregnancy. It’s really because I fall down a lot anyway.

My zits seem to have cleared up. This could mean that they will come back full force just in time for Christmas. Hooray!

M and I were talking last night about how the baby can hear us. This, of course, led to us wondering if the baby can hear him fart. We will be wonderful, mature parents!

The bad: The baby barely moved at all on Monday, which had my head spinning. But the movement came back full force on Tuesday!!!

The ugly: The emotions. {Some stuff removed}

The good thing about being awake all night? Someone else was awake with me and getting a lot of exercise. I love it.
The other good thing about being so awake? I came in to work at 6:45 so I’m out of here at 3:45 pm for Christmas Vacation!!!! I probably won’t be updating over the holiday since I’ll be all over the place.

Merry, Merry Christmas!!!

Tuesday

After all my complaining about no one congratulating us on this pregnancy, I got some Christmas cards over the weekend with little notes of excitement in them. That’s something, so I’ll take it!

One of the cards was from M’s Great Aunt J. Aunt J is a nun from Boston who is somewhere around 80 years old. If you know any nuns in their 80s, then you know that they tend to be amazing people. She sent me a prayer card for St. Gerard, the patron saint of expectant mothers. She wrote in her note how she was praying for us and all sorts of stuff that had me sobbing like a fool. She even enclosed a tissue for my tears. A few hours later, I was showing M’s mom the prayer card when a little medal fell out of the tissue. Turns out she wasn’t trying to make me cry!! I keep this with me now whenever I’m awake. If I’m wearing a low-cut shirt (which is all the time), I keep it in my pocket.

**********

{Removed some complaining}

Another coworker brought in cornbread and came over to let me know as soon as she got here. She is concerned that I’m not big enough and wants me to eat all I can. I think I’m in love with her.

**********

Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I guess 30 isn’t so bad. Here are some pictures of my birthday snow!

Three-Zero

Thirty. Just look at that word for a minute. It even looks old. But for real? There’s no way I’m mature enough to be thirty.

I know they're happy for me, but...

I was thinking about the post I wrote about the different reactions I’m getting to this pregnancy. I’d like to make a comparison. Tons of people sent cards filled with joy and good wishes when we announced our pregnancy in mid-May. We had already gotten cards from our moms, who sent them over within a week of getting our news. We got a rush of cards after the big announcement. We even got cards after my D&C.

Let’s talk about those cards that arrived after the miscarriage. One card showed up the day we found out our baby didn’t have a heartbeat. Another two followed in the next day or two. That last wave of cards was rough, I admit it. I cried when the card M’s grandmother sent arrived the day of my D&C. I cried a lot. I did feel like I had taken so much away from her. I gathered the cards up and hid them under the bed. I haven’t looked at them since. But I remember them and I remember the joy that our friends and family had for us.

Afterwards, we got a whole new set of cards. I think we got more sympathy cards than congratulatory cards. Cards and flowers and food and notes and I cherished each one. Everything made me cry, but I still felt the love they sent. A little cry is worth knowing that someone loves you.

I wish – and not in a selfish way – that I could get some of the joy from those first cards now. We keep our cards on a table in the kitchen. I have exactly one bright baby card with a cute little onesie on it and I was so happy to get this one card. I keep it right in the front. It is from my mom’s coworker. It’s not from my mom or my mother in law. It’s not from a friend or relative who couldn’t wait to look at baby cards for us.

This isn’t me complaining about the number of cards I have. This is me feeling guilty because maybe I scared people away from feeling happy for us. This is me upset because other people are too afraid to acknowledge this pregnancy in a concrete way. This is me knowing I’m the reason I don’t have any congratulatory cards. I wish I could be positive and rub my belly and say WHEN about my baby. I wish I wasn’t scaring everyone away from me with my disclaimers after every sentence.

I know what they are thinking. They don’t want me to lose this baby and then get a card the next day. I know because I am living this. I have one scrapbook page from my pregnancy in the spring. I made a cute page with pictures of the positive test and wrote about how happy and excited we were. Then I lost the baby a few days later. I have no scrapbook pages for this one. I was afraid to put anything about the positive pregnancy test in our Scotland photo album. Hell, I'm afraid to send people congratulatory cards when I hear they are pregnant. I’m not a good example.

19 Weeks

Nineteen is a big number, but it’s still not as exciting as next week will be. I’m, of course, filled with happiness about seeing a beautiful baby yesterday. I feel like I’ve reached a milestone. I can be happy about this now. I can start to do real planning. M and I even talked about names last night.

The conversation:
C: We need to start thinking about names
M: Really? [frowns]
C: Yes, really, this kid is going to need a name. We can’t just call it Baby forever.
M: [grins]
C: [grins back, knowing he wants to say something about Dirty Dancing, but also knowing he knows that I know and I’ll take him seriously and we’ll end up with a kid named Baby forever and the poor kid will be in the corner all the time.]
C: We’ll get a book of names and look through it.
M: That sounds good.
C: I want to have 2 names for each. You know, like that time we picked out a name for the goldfish before we got it and it just didn’t seem right.
M: Yup. We’ll get a book.

So I guess you could say we’re talking about names.

The good: I now know what it feels like when the baby turns completely over. It makes me feel better because I knew those bumps couldn’t be kicks yet. But I knew they were something. They are somersaults. I am wearing all maternity clothes: pants, tank top, and shirt. I feel like I could go to bed wearing this stuff. I can’t wipe this smile off my face.

Last night, I was standing in front of the mirror examining my belly (I do this every day) and M came over and smiled and just gave it a little caress, like you would do to a newborn. I love watching him fall in love.

The bad, The ugly: Not much to complain about. Not that I feel like I could ever complain. I’m sleeping terribly, but who cares? I would give up sleeping completely if I had to.

I read some sad blogs today about recent losses. Here I am, all happy and bouncing on a cloud. But other people are still hurting. That could be me today. I just want to crawl into those blogs and hug the women who are just aching. I know what it feels like. I know the pain. I’m grateful to be where I am today, but it only takes me a second to go back to that place. My heart is breaking for everyone experiencing a loss right now. I remember when I first started reading blogs and I would see women who were on the road to having another child and feeling their happiness. I remember wishing I could get to that point. And here I am. I’m not out of the woods at all, but I’m on the path. My wish for everyone out there is that your time wandering around lost will end and you’ll find your hope and your way out. And I wish that it will be soon.

Anatomy Scan!

The baby is wonderful!

I was so nervous. M woke up to me crying this morning and we were almost silent while we got ready for the appointment. We didn't talk about our afternoon plans. We didn't talk about what would happen today at all.

I love being the first appointment of the day. We got in quickly and I was covered in goo within a few minutes of getting there. The first thing we saw was the great (4-chambered!) heart with a heart rate of 148. Everything we needed to see was there. The baby was moving it's hands and feet all over the place. The tech couldn't get pictures of one hand because it was behind the baby's head. M has the "tough" picture with the baby looking right at the camera with the hand behind the head giving everyone the finger.

During the measurements, the baby flipped from face up to face down. When the doctor came in to do a final look, the baby had flipped so the profile was in the other direction. We've got an active one! We were told to look away when she checked the gender. I didn't see any of the girl parts or boy parts that people usually have in those pictures and they never said he or she. I'm very happy about that!

We do have a small spot on the baby's heart. This is one of the markers for Downs Syndrome, but with all my other tests, the risk is still 1/5000. I'm not even going to worry about that.

Here is my favorite picture. I'm in love.

The Usual

I had a good weekend of Christmas parties and shopping. My Mother in Law took me to a maternity store and I didn’t get chased out of the building. I now have enough shirts to last me a week and my Mother in Law is going to wrap up two things for my birthday and Christmas. I think she had more funs hopping than I did! We laughed about the maternity underwear. When I giggled and asked if I would actually grow out of my undies, a lady in the dressing room shouted “YES!” Then we headed over to Babies R Us to walk around and see how the local store compares to others I’ve been to. It was fine, but I don’t think we’ll actually register at that store. My mom wants us to go to Delaware and register there with her helping us.

Ok, onto my fears for tomorrow. I could write ten pages about it, but I’ll just sum it up for you since I've said all of this a million times. I’m afraid… I’m not feeling much movement (and said movement could just be gas)… I’m not getting any bigger… I’m not gaining any weight… I’m sure tomorrow could be the worst day of my life followed by the worst birthday ever and I’m going to have to cancel Christmas. What else is new with me? Send prayers by overnight mail to Baltimore, MD at 8 am tomorrow morning. Thanks!

Update, 10 am Monday: I am feeling more movement this morning, so I'm calmer than I have been before other appointments. You can still send those prayers and hopes for tomorrow, though!!!

Boring clothes and LFCA love

I don’t have much to say today. I’m in one of those days where I’ve decided something is wrong. I felt movement yesterday evening so I’m pretty sure I’m just being crazy. You know you’ve hit a new level of craziness when you can pinpoint irrational thoughts as they happen. I guess I’m getting used to this new reality.

I was going to wear a real maternity shirt today. My MIL got it for me for Mother’s day (which is sad) and I finally got to a point where it didn’t look stupid (which is good). But the shirt was for springtime and it’s 34 degrees today so I had to switch to a regular sweater (which is boring) that shows quite a little belly* (which is exciting). I’ll be wearing a maternity dress to my office Christmas party tonight with hopes that I’ll be a glowing pregnant woman. M told me he thinks I got bigger yesterday.

My ex boyfriend from college posted an ultrasound picture for his second child today of Facebook. I still got jealous. The picture is a 10-week ultrasound (my favorite week by the way – I love the little teddy bears). I still can’t begin to imagine how anyone can assume all is well at 10 weeks. But I congratulated him and sent some prayers that they won’t have to go through any pain. Then I briefly let myself think about my own outing on Facebook. I think I could do it after the anatomy scan. I’m still afraid, but pretty much everyone that I care about already knows. And, of course, all of Facebook knows what happened the first time.

Side note – the only family member who doesn’t know about this pregnancy is my Father. His reaction to my miscarriage kind of brought me down, so I didn’t want to tell him early on. We’re not that close, so it’s more like telling a distant uncle. I’ll tell him after the anatomy scan but before I post on Facebook. Is it bad to tell him over email?

Today everyone is submitting comments about what LFCA means to them. Since I wouldn’t know any of you without it, I’d say it means friendship to me. So thank you for being my friends!

* I accidently wrote butt instead of belly and that made me laugh.

Just a few pictures

We took some pictures tonight and I thought I'd share.

First, here is my Christmas Tree. It's a little blurry, but I love it anyway (because it's not blurry in real life).

Next, the Christmas Tree skirt. I started this in spring 2004. That was before I was engaged. I finished it monday night. So, for the first time in 5 long years, we have an official skirt around our tree.

And the big one - my 18 week belly. It's kind of there. I know you can see it!

18 Weeks

Wait, really? 18 weeks? I never thought I would be here. I never thought I would actually have an anatomy scan scheduled. I feel like I’m on borrowed time. I feel like I’m really pregnant.

The good: I had lots of flutters last night. I couldn’t sleep because I was so happy. On Monday night, I had a kick (maybe). I started telling the kick how much I loved it and then realized that I might be pledging a lifetime of love to some gas. I’m showing a little. Like you can see my belly pushing out my sweater a little today. I saw my coworker glance at it and I wanted to dance.

The bad: I pee a lot. I wake up every hour or two during the night. I’m cranky at the end of the work day. I don’t care about any of these problems.

The ugly: I have a rash between my boobs because they are smooshed together all the time now. It might be time for some bigger bras. And lots of Gold Bond powder.

The scary stuff: I got my results back from the quad screen. Everything came back normal, so I’m going to stop worrying about spina bifida. I will now focus completely on CF and unexplained death. That’s cheerful! M is in the process of getting the rest of his gene checked for the CF deletion genes. It’s pretty hard to call your primary doctor out of the blue and request some off the wall blood test that needs to be sent to California. We’re having some trouble getting them to work with us. He’s calling again today and should get everything straightened out. I’m just happy that M agreed to do this. I know he doesn’t want to, but he understands my fears.

Normal life: My Mother in Law is taking me birthday shopping on Sunday for maternity clothes. Then we’re going to Babies R Us to poke around and giggle at all the baby stuff. This will be a little rough for me – I still feel like an impostor when I go in those places. Like the BRU police and going to spot me and chase me out of the store because I couldn’t possibly think I’ll be having a baby in May. I’ll get sent to the crazy house.

Today is my Grandma’s birthday. She would be 94. While I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore, I’m really missing her now. I’d love to have her around for this excitement. But I’ve decided that she’s got my two little ones up there with her already. She probably has her hands full!

A new favorite player

I love ESPN and their football shows. I love the tear-jerking profile stories. It's kind of a joke between M and I. I'll stop whatever I'm doing to watch the profile stories and then I'll cry. Every single time. He won't admit it, but M has teared up during a few of them, too.

So today I was getting some dinner ready for the crock pot when the profile story came on. It was about Demarcus Ware. As soon as they started talking about his wife's pregnancy, I knew what was coming.

I don't have the video for the ESPN profile, but I'll look for it and post it later on.

Here is the story from the NY Times in 2008.

Demarcus Ware and his wife Taniqua lost three pregnancies before adopting their little girl, Marley.

My heart aches for them, but I'm so happy they've found happiness.

I have a new favorite NFL player (even if he does play for the Cowboys). And thank you, ESPN, for bringing the subject out to more people.

CF Frustrations

Disclaimer: I’m an engineer, not a doctor. Don’t take any of this as fact if you are looking for CF information. I’m just getting this out from conversations I’ve had.

So, I think we’re back to the Cystic Fibrosis testing again. A quick review: I am a carrier for CF, I found out at about 8 weeks pregnant. I have no family history. My mutation is serious. M has a family history for CF, his mother’s cousin, K, died on Friday at age 43 due to CF. We had M tested for the 1570-ish most common mutations of CF and he came back clear. We waited to get this news before telling M’s mom (she’s a classic worrier). When we told her the whole story, we learned that her cousin K had a sister who died at the age of 3 from CF and her (and M’s mom’s) grandfather had several siblings pass away before the age of 10 due to pneumonia (most likely undiagnosed CF – this was the early 1900s).

Ok, so I told the doctor about this and didn’t think much more about it. He called me today to schedule my last blood draw and said he had been thinking about this more (you never want to hear that a doctor has been thinking more about your case). Turns out, those last 30-ish mutations that they didn’t test for are not only the least common, but they are also the most severe. The most severe mutations are the ones that you never hear about because the child dies very young. He doesn’t test for these types – deletion mutations – because his lab doesn’t have a good way to do it yet. After he learned about the early deaths in M’s family, he realized that there’s a strong possibility that M’s family could carry a deletion mutation.

My mutation (deltaF508) gives a person about 10% lung function. A deletion mutation gives 0% lung function. Pair these two suckers together and things look pretty grim.

I’ll talk this over with M tonight or tomorrow night (depending on his job stress level) and we’ll decide if we’re going to do the further testing at another clinic.

Odds: Assuming M’s great grandfather had CF, M has a 1 in 8 chance of being a carrier. Our child has a 1 in 4 chance of having CF if we are both carriers. Total: our baby has a 1 in 32 chance of having bad CF.

I know they can test for CF in an Amnio. I need to find out if that test will check for all mutations. But then again, even if this kid isn’t affected, we still want other kids and we’ll want to know for them, too. I think I want him to get the full test. He’s not going to be happy.

Crappity crap. I’m tired of worrying about this. I’m tired of making M worried about this. He had finally started to relax. He’s in the process of finding a new job and I really don’t want to add to his stress. I’m already freaked out about my baby dying before birth, now I’m going to be worried about a painful death in the first few years.

17 Weeks

I feel like I’m so far along… but still so far to go…

The great: I have flutters right now! Woo-hoo!!

The bad: I’ve been waking up on my back lately. I’m usually a side sleeper, so I think this is weird. But it’s SO comfortable. I always try to at least prop myself (on poor M) so I won’t be flat on my back. I think everything will be fine. Everything I hear tells me that my body will wake me up if I cut off any circulation. My favorite thing was from a doctor that said women would have evolved to have a hump in their backs if you really couldn’t sleep on your back during pregnancy (I think I heard that in a podcast).

The ugly: My preggo hormones weren’t too crazy for a while. But now I get agitated and cranky. That’s happening more and more. The only way to make me feel less agitated is to make M agitated (which is fun). Then I feel better and he’s all mad because I pinched him. Get used to it, buddy. Also, the zits are getting worse. I look awesome. At least I know more about concealer than I did when I was 15.

Normal life: We decorated the Christmas tree last night. I love it! I tried not to think about taking the tree down last year when I kept telling M about how great Christmas 2009 would be with a little baby. We didn’t even say the B word last night. But I did hope about Christmas 2010. I hoped very quietly that we’ll be putting up baby’s 1st Christmas ornaments next year. I hope, I hope, I hope!!!!

I put up the ticker because everyone else did and I felt left out. So frickin cute.

Sounding good!

I always feel like I overreact and then I have a good appointment. If that's what it takes...

I can use my post from earlier today to help calm myself down next time. Fair warning - I'll probably do it again anyway!

This appointment was quick. We heard the heartbeat much quicker than last time. It still took a minute or two, but this doctor talked to me the whole time and kept me distracted. I liked that! I was too excited about hearing the heartbeat to remember what the number was... somewhere in the 150s. I'll ask M when he gets home. He's good with details.

I have my anatomy scan scheduled for 8 am on Dec 15th. I was going to ask to have it on my birthday (the 18th! 30! Holy crap!) but the scary bug whispered in my ear and told me not to ask for too much. So now I'm over the moon excited! We're not going to find out the gender but I'll do any kind of old-wives tale you can throw at me. I'll list them all sometime later.

I had some blood drawn for the quad screen so I can either totally calm down about the spina bifida or I can totally freak out. I'll wait to get results before I decide. The MTHFR does something to reduce how much folic acid I can absorb and I didn't take any until I was almost 5 weeks pregnant. I did drink some OJ every morning, but that's not enough to calm me down. Ah, there's always something...

M's cousin who had Cystic Fibrosis passed away on Friday. We weren't close to her and I'd only met her one time. She had just completed the process to get on the list for a lung transplant and the family was starting to get some hope. She had a bad day on Wednesday and went into the hospital for a minor surgery. After the surgery, she woke up and they told her she'd have to be on a ventilator to survive. She declined and died shortly after that. She had a hard life and we're happy she was able to make this decision, but it had to be a hard one. It really made me thankful to know our little one won't have to suffer like she did.

Waiting, take 5

Here I am again… writing the same post I’ve written before. I have my appointment at 2 pm today and I’m freaking out. I feel like I’m going to vomit, but I think that’s because my nervous system is out of control.

I had tons of “flutters” on Friday and Saturday, but nothing really yesterday or today. This must mean something is wrong.

I talked up the pregnancy a lot over the weekend. This must mean I jinxed it.

My Mother-in-law’s entire Thanksgiving prayer was about how thankful she is for this little one on the way. I’m sure I’m going to let her down.

I’m supposed to visit a daycare center after the doctor appointment. I’m thinking of just cancelling it now.

Writing all this out makes me feel like a drama queen. I’m doing it so I can either (a) come back and feel reassured (if everything is actually ok) when I feel like this again or (b) just feel like I can say “I told you so.”

I’m not sleeping at all. I was awake most of last night in freak-out mode. I’m sure that IF this baby is fine, it will have a neural tube defect. They’ll (hopefully) test for that today when I get blood drawn for the quad screen.

16 Weeks

This week doesn’t seem very momentous or anything. I’m doing well. I’m still feeling the flutters and I’m still nervous as hell.

Good Things: The fabled “honeymoon of pregnancy” has begun. I’m staying awake to my normal 10 pm bedtime. I actually do things in the evening. My boobs feel fine. I’m showing just enough to make me smile. I’ve got these little flutters. M has started rubbing my belly and saying “Hi Baby!” and melting my heart.

Bad Things: Yeah, all that stuff ending scares me. My face is still gross and I have zits everywhere. I went for a walk on Friday and blew out my shoes (you know how that is – I popped the air in my Nike Airs).

Normal Life: I can’t wait for this work day to be over and Thanksgiving will begin! I was dreading this holiday before I got pregnant again. Now I think I can do this. We’ll just be with M’s immediate family and his brother’s roommate’s family (random?). I’m happy about this because we won’t have the huge family gathering with everyone NOT talking about how we were supposed to have a baby by now. And it means I can hold out on telling M’s grandmother for a little longer (we’re looking at hopefully telling on her birthday in mid-December).

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there. I have so much to be thankful for and I can’t believe I’m living this life right now. I’ll keep all of you in my thoughts tomorrow. I know some of you are afraid for current pregnancies and some are wishing to be pregnant. I never stop thinking and hoping for you.

Flutter talk

Remember how I was talking about those flutters last week? And how I KNOW they aren’t the baby moving, but they give me some hope that there is someone in there? I’m not the only one that loves them!

I told M about them a few times. He has nodded and kind of acknowledged them like any of my other symptoms. But on Sunday night, we were reading on the couch (the cable went out) and I told him I could feel them. He looked at me and asked if he could feel them, too. He had the sweetest look on his face, he wanted to feel them more than anything! I wish I could give that to him. Just a few more weeks, right?

I gave more blood to the CF doctor yesterday. It took three sticks for him to get a vein. They didn't hurt, though, and I don't have those awful bruises that you usually get when they miss. M said it was a good thing he wasn't there. He never would have made it through the first one. After he got enough blood, the doctor talked economics with me. He was curious about what I'd pay for some of these tests. It's hard to look back and say what I would have paid before I knew anything about the different strains of CF and all the mutations. I think he was disappointed in my answer. Then he told me they are going to shift their major focus to paternity tests (while still researching the CF tests) because those have a high demand. How scary is that?

I just scheduled a tour of a day care facility. It is right after my appointment on Monday. I had to cancel two tours in May because of my miscarriage. Now I’m stressed out.

Reactions, rings and pants

I have a few things I want to talk about today. Reactions, Belly Rings and Pants.

1. Reactions: Telling people you are pregnant (again) is a totally different experience. Some people barely even register. “Oh, ok” and they go on with whatever. You’d think I told them this same thing 6 months ago. Some people are SO happy for us. Our neighbors actually clapped and cheered! Most people are kind of in between – they’re happy to hear the news, just a little more reserved than before. I understand that one the most. I’m kind of reserved about it, too.

One of my coworkers told me I shouldn’t move around as much and not wear tight clothes. I’m pretty sure my baby didn’t die because of the pants I was wearing. That kind of hurt.

2. Belly Rings: We took out my belly button ring on Friday night. I feel naked. I got that ring my junior year of college in August 1999. One of the first people I showed was my friend across the hall. I had no clue that 10 years later he’d be the one taking it out because we’re expecting a baby! But now my stomach looks so boring and sad. M told me I look like a Cyclops. I’m glad we didn’t wait longer – M had a hard time prying that thing apart and I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m not going to put it back in or try to keep it from closing up. I’ll be 30 in a month. I don’t need a belly button ring anymore.

3. Pants: I’m wearing maternity pants and I LOVE them.

15 Weeks

I’m in uncharted territory.

Good things: I’m still kind of tired. I’m waiting for the second trimester energy to kick in, but I haven’t seen it yet. That’s fine with me. I don’t really mind lounging on the couch and not doing laundry. My house is getting messy, though. The boobs are barely hurting at all, but they are changing. I’ve got these blue veins that I can see and it grosses me out. I can only see them in the mirror. I spend a lot of time staring at various body parts in the mirror. I’m getting a little bigger. My abs feel like I’ve been doing sit-ups (as if I would know what that feels like).

Great things: I’ve read everywhere that these little flutters are not baby movements. Fine. I believe you. But they are something. I didn’t have this before pregnancy and I have a lot of gas problems. This is something else. Everyone on the birth boards is talking about them now. So this isn’t a kid kicking me. I’ll call it “Uterus flutters” and I’ll put it in the symptom column. However. There was something. Something completely and totally different than these little flutters. I was running all over the office and bending up and down and carrying plans all over the place and in a tizzy because of some work thing. When it all calmed down, I sat in my chair and took a deep breath. That was when something (I won’t say who or what) tapped me from the inside about 4 quick times. It was light like a fingertip and right down there where a baby lives. It was just that one time. I’m still not saying I felt baby movement… but I’m also not saying that I haven’t.

Bad things: I’ve lost my confidence from the appointment on Thursday. I’m not gaining weight. I still am the only person in my household that thinks I’m showing.

In normal life: I dropped off some blood for the CF doctor yesterday. They made a discovery about blood draws while I was sitting there (something about blood flow – I wasn’t watching). I felt cool to be helping them out.

I’ve heard so much about how once you’re past 14 weeks, your chance of miscarriage goes down again. Yeah? I thought it went down at 6 weeks… or 10 weeks… or at the 2nd trimester… This feeling will never go away. I know I’ll feel better once (if?) I can feel someone kicking my lungs. Come on time! Speed up!!!

Telling the world

We’ve started telling people. We told M’s friends at a football game on Saturday. I told my friend’s mom on Sunday. I told my coworkers this morning. We’re not making grand announcements. We’re just mentioning to people as we see them. Now I’m freaking out.

I KNOW this baby isn’t going to just up and die because I started telling people we’re pregnant. I know that is a crazy thought. I still have it. I’ve said this over and over, but last time we started telling and our baby was already dead.

I don’t want to tell M’s grandmother yet. She had some miscarriages and she took ours pretty hard. That little boy was going to be her first great-grandchild. Everyone had been waiting for him (I found out that they watched my every move towards the bar since we got married). I KNOW it’s not my fault, but I feel like I let her down. I don’t want that to happen again. I told my MIL about this and she hugged me and started to cry (so what else is new?). I’m not waiting because I’m upset. I’m waiting because she was so upset. I don’t want her to worry like I’ve been worrying. She knows what it’s like.

So I have a question. When does this pregnancy stuff start flying by? I keep hearing “Oh, enjoy it! It’ll be over so fast! Pregnancy is so great!” Every second is like an hour for me. October was 6 months long. November isn’t going any faster. The only time that goes by fast is the time I get for sleeping.

Belly Pic - 14 weeks

I had M take a lot of pictures. This is the only one where it looks like I have a baby bump and not just some extra pudge. Unfortunately, I'm leaning back so you can't really appreciate my ample bosom. Sorry about that. I know you're all fascinated with boob size, but I can't please everyone.

Due Date

I’m not sure how to feel today. I knew I’d be confused. I have so many different feelings right now. I have a vague feeling of sadness, but I just can’t suppress the joy from yesterday. So right now, I’m actually a little giddy. Which makes me feel guilty. I know there’s no RIGHT way to feel today. I’ll probably have some bad times off and on, but I’m doing much better than I thought I would be. Good news just seems to be flowing today (you know who you are!) and my mind has a hard time thinking about the bad stuff when I have so much good right now.

******
I wrote this a few days ago, when I still wasn’t sure I would still be pregnant today:

In the past few weeks, the emptiness was getting to me. I have all this empty time. I feel like something is missing in my life. I felt it a little when we started TTC last year, but now it is getting bigger. I have these hours that I don’t want to fill. I just kind of sit and look around. I know what I should be doing. I should be taking care of a little one. I should be wishing for more sleep. I should be smiling at a sleeping little boy.

I would know now what he looks like. I would know if those blue eyes snuck past my family’s dark brown eyes. I would know how big he would be. I would know what his hands looked like and how cute those toes could be. I would know what it was like to have a baby want to be held by me.

Instead, I’m at work. I’m wearing normal people pants. No one here knows what today is. Why would you remember someone’s unfulfilled due date? That’s not something you write on your calendar.
******

A girl walked up to me today and said “It’s Friday the 13th! This is such a terrible day!” and I didn’t really respond. I kind of started to like the idea of Friday the 13th…

Like I said, those thoughts are still there, just not in the front of my mind. I wish the world worked out different, but I can’t wish this new little baby away. I want this baby, I want the other baby. I’m totally in love with that little sound I heard yesterday, I wish I had a crying baby in my arms right now.

Even with all this last year has brought me, I’m so happy and blessed to be where I am right now.

Faithfully...

I heard a Journey song on the way to the doctor's office. On my way to the first appointment, I heard "Don't Stop Believing!" and I knew it would be an anthem for this pregnancy. I was thinking as I drove today... I'd really like to hear some Journey and then it was the next song.

We were in the office for about an hour before we went back to a room. The nurse kept coming out and telling me she didn't forget! That was nice.

M saw a guy he knew from elementary school leaving with his wife. They shook hands and congratulated each other.

Then we went into the room. It's weird waiting in a setting like that. M and I were kind of looking at each other. We talked a little about being nervous. Then we stared some more. It is nice to be able to keep my pants on now. I don't get nearly as sweaty when I'm fully clothed.

The doctor came in and went for a listen right away. And then we waited and she searched. And searched. She started feeling around looking for my uterus. Then she searched some more. I closed my eyes and just prayed. That's when she said, "I can hear something moving in there," but that didn't help much. Nervousness = Gas for me. I was sure she was just hearing my intestines. Then it was there. Not very loud, but totally not timed with my pounding heart.

160 beats per minute. A heartbeat heard on a doppler. I felt my own heart relax.

I asked her about the due dates since the NT scan put me 8 days ahead. She talked about different machines and different times and whatever. Then she said that since I've been consistently ahead, she's going to split the difference. My new official due date is May 12th. That puts me at 14 weeks and 1 day. Wow.

Officially, officially out of the first trimester. With a live baby.

Tomorrow is still going to be tough, but I can hold this new hope in my heart and I can get through it. Especially with the support I have here. Thank you.

Keeping Calm... deep breath...

This is it. 13 weeks and 3 days. I have never heard a heartbeat at my doctor's office. I want that to happen today.

I'm wearing my lucky rhino necklace, dragonfly earrings, butterfly socks, and red underpants. I've got my rock lobster in my purse. My page-a-day calendar has a rainbow on it today.

I have an important project for work today that I need to get finished so I can leave this afternoon with nothing to worry about. I'll clean up my desk at 2:30 and leave at 2:40. Hopefully I'll be here tomorrow, but I like to be ready.

Send some prayers and hold my hand at 3 pm, please!

If if if

Things are looking up. I cried yesterday because M came home and I was making chicken fajitas. He had told me on the phone we would make stir-fry for dinner. And I cried. And cried. And cried. Then I cried more because poor M was getting home from a terrible day at work at 7:30 pm to a crazy wife who was crying about the wrong chicken.

But then he laughed at me a little and said I was making him feel better because I was sobbing into his armpit.

The tide of emotions for Friday is starting to come in. Part of me thinks I should stay home from work. But won’t that just be worse? Sitting on my couch watching Ellen and crying? I could at least sit here and cry a little in the bathroom. As usual, I must add the side note that this is assuming everything will go well at the appointment on Thursday.

On that note, does anyone read Busted Babymaker? Back when she was waiting for her Toddle, she always said “if” and “maybe” and never “when.” I didn’t understand why she was so negative about her pregnancy. But here I am, doing the exact same thing. My loss is so different from hers, so much earlier and one baby. But I get it now. Even when I think about this pregnancy in my head, I have to say if. I can’t ever assume things will be ok. When I think about our son, I remember how I would talk about when Thanksgiving came and how we would have this little baby. Now I say that I hope I’ll still be pregnant at Thanksgiving so I can wear my belly band and have more room for mashed potatoes.

How can I function in the normal world? I cringe when people around me say when about my pregnancy. I have to correct them in my head. I can’t hear their positive voices. This weekend, my (wonderful, lovely, perfect, pretty) friend said something like, “This is something you can do to keep busy when you’re in labor.” And I said in my head, “Hopefully! Hopefully!” But, really, if she had said, “This is something you can do to keep busy if you ever get to the point where you’re in labor,” I would be crying and sad and hurt. So I need that positivity from the people around me. I won’t ever say when, but I need to hear it.

54 more hours. It feels weird to count down to something that could be devastating.

13 Weeks

Well, here we are. The milestone week. If I can make it past this week I will be in the second trimester with a live baby. I made it to the second trimester before… but with a dead baby. My appointment is on Thursday – exactly 13 weeks and 3 days.

Some good things: I’m still feeling nauseous. This morning I threw up in my mouth on my way to work. It was gross, but not huge, you know? Just a little tiny bit. And it made me happy. I’m so weird. I had some more “growing pains,” but they might have just been gas. I’m still falling asleep around 9 pm. My boobs are still tender when I smoosh them.

Some bad things: All of my symptoms are decreasing. I know this is supposed to happen. It’s fine and normal… but it happened at the same point last time and look where that got me.

I have a little voice come in and say, “Don’t worry! What are the chances you’ll find out about your miscarriage in the same week as last time?” and then a second voice chimes in, “Pretty damn good!” and a third, weaker one says, “Hey! Everything will be fine and May will bring a baby!” and the other two voices shout, “Shut up, dummy!” This happens 2-3 times an hour.

I’m sorry to be such a downer at this time when I should start to get excited, but this is going to get rough. I am simultaneously dreading and longing for Thursday. I wish it would just get here and we could get past Friday and I could start to get excited. I’m afraid it will get here and I will be sadder than I ever was in May.

We went back to the CF doctor on Friday afternoon. They have most of M’s DNA sequenced (and all is clear so far), but a few pieces just aren’t working. They took 4 tubes of blood from him and he did great. The doctor took the blood himself, so now M is done. We’ll know his full results on Wednesday afternoon. If all goes well with me, I’ll give 1-2 tubes every week for 3-4 weeks starting next week. Again, I’m happy to be part of this study. He really wanted some blood for this week, but decided to wait until we’re past the 14 week mark.

I’ll have more updates this week that will sound about the same. Hopefully, you’ll get a positive and joyful post on Thursday. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Shots

I got my h1n1 shot. It took 5 minutes. A little girl watched them stick the needle in my arm. I watched her watching me. Her eyes got all round and huge. I think that made it hurt me a little more. I came right back to work and handed over the paperwork to my boss. We do some work for a giant hospital that is now requiring all of their contractors to have the flu shots. This may be the only time in the history of the world that pregnancy has been an asset to an employer. I just hope they realize that I’m not carrying ladders all over the place.

M has to go into the CF doctor again tomorrow. They have 95% of his gene sequenced (and still no sign of being a carrier! Hooray!!). They can’t get the rest from his cheek swab, so we’ll go in right after lunch tomorrow when his blood sugar is nice and high. I’ll have some more blood drawn, too.

Anyway, the good feeling I had from the ultrasound on Monday is gone. It lasted way longer than I thought! I got all the way to Wednesday night before I started getting nervous again. I’m still torn about the Doppler thing. M vetoed the idea as soon as it came out of my mouth. “No. Way. That is not going to help you calm down.” Only 7 days and 2 hours until my next appointment!

The big news today is AKD having her FET today. Send her love!

12 Weeks (or 13 weeks?)

Today I am 12 weeks, 1 day. Or 13 weeks, 2 days. I think I’m going to stick with the old dates for a while. I’ll talk to my doctor next week and see what she thinks. So here is my 12 week status report:

My symptoms are the same as last week. I get a little tiny bit nauseous in the morning before breakfast and then a little tiny bit after I eat. Then I’m fine. My boobs are hurting less. Every once in a while, they’ll hurt so bad I could cry, but that seems to coincide with the husband having grabby hands…

My button up shirts are not fitting anymore. This is not because of my belly. I have to safety pin my shirts closed because they are straining around my chest. It’s not like I’m new to this. I can only wear shirts from NY&Co because they are the only ones that stretch enough to cover them normally. Now those aren’t doing the job anymore. At least colder weather is coming, so these shirts aren’t going to be practical much longer anyway. I can’t wait to get to sweaters.

I’m hairbanding all my pants now. I’m not quite ready to go to the bella band yet, but I’ve got 2 under my bed. It’s hard to pee with those things, and I’m peeing a lot. I guess the hairbands are a hassle, too. It might be time to take a belly picture.

I’m falling asleep before 9 pm every night and I’m uncomfortable when I sleep. I don’t want M to touch me at night, and I’m normally a huge cuddler. I tuck a bear* under my stomach and I’m happy.

I just got an appointment for my h1n1 vaccine. I know there is a lot of debate about it, but my mom is a nurse in a large health care system and is on committees about pandemic flues. She told me to get the shot, so I'm getting the shot. Also, my mother in law sends me emails every day about getting the shot and washing my hands. That is getting old.

*I’ve had this bear since I was 8 years old and it is a little taller than my friend’s 20 month old daughter. I love this bear.

NT Scan Results

Everything looks wonderful. Thank you so much for your prayers and support!

Here are the details: I told the tech about the miscarriages and she was great. She was kind and asked all the right questions. I felt like hugging her. She looked for the heart beat right away and I couldn’t really see it, but she let us hear it. It was at about 176 right then. I think it might have been high because my own heart rate was out of control. Then she checked all over. The baby is perfect. We saw both hemispheres of the brain, a bladder, spinal cord, fingers, toes and long legs. The baby opened and closed its mouth a few times.

M couldn’t take his eyes of the screen. He held my hand the whole time but I think he forgot I was in the room.

Later on in the scan, the baby’s heart rate went down to 158 and steady, which is wonderful. She was happy to see that. Then we talked about my dates. The baby measured 13 weeks, 1 day. That was from several measurements at several angles. I am supposed to be 12 weeks, 0 days. I’m not surprised that we were off – if everything had been right on time, we wouldn’t have this baby!

My due date has been changed to May 9th. This could be the best Mother’s day ever!

All of the measurements for the NT scan were right where they should be.

So, this baby moved everywhere. The last baby barely moved during the scan. The heart rate was at 158 and 176, which is within the normal range that the tech wants to see. The last baby was at 186 – too high. This baby is measuring 13 weeks, 1 day. The last one measured 12 weeks 6 days at my 14 week appointment.

Could this really happen?

NT Scan tomorrow!

We're going to the NT scan tomorrow morning, bright and early. We need to be there at 7:45, so I'll be drinking tons of water and wishing I could pee by 6:30.
As of right now (2 pm on Sunday afternoon), I'm feeling good. I'm not to worried, but then I remember that I wasn't worried at that 14-week appointment in May. Then I get worried about not being worried and thinking I might jinx everything.
Do you think I can get the tech to look for a heartbeat immediately? Last time, she looked at my ovaries forever before even passing by the baby. I guess it won't hurt to ask.