Here I am again… writing the same post I’ve written before. I have my appointment at 2 pm today and I’m freaking out. I feel like I’m going to vomit, but I think that’s because my nervous system is out of control.
I had tons of “flutters” on Friday and Saturday, but nothing really yesterday or today. This must mean something is wrong.
I talked up the pregnancy a lot over the weekend. This must mean I jinxed it.
My Mother-in-law’s entire Thanksgiving prayer was about how thankful she is for this little one on the way. I’m sure I’m going to let her down.
I’m supposed to visit a daycare center after the doctor appointment. I’m thinking of just cancelling it now.
Writing all this out makes me feel like a drama queen. I’m doing it so I can either (a) come back and feel reassured (if everything is actually ok) when I feel like this again or (b) just feel like I can say “I told you so.”
I’m not sleeping at all. I was awake most of last night in freak-out mode. I’m sure that IF this baby is fine, it will have a neural tube defect. They’ll (hopefully) test for that today when I get blood drawn for the quad screen.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
16 Weeks
This week doesn’t seem very momentous or anything. I’m doing well. I’m still feeling the flutters and I’m still nervous as hell.
Good Things: The fabled “honeymoon of pregnancy” has begun. I’m staying awake to my normal 10 pm bedtime. I actually do things in the evening. My boobs feel fine. I’m showing just enough to make me smile. I’ve got these little flutters. M has started rubbing my belly and saying “Hi Baby!” and melting my heart.
Bad Things: Yeah, all that stuff ending scares me. My face is still gross and I have zits everywhere. I went for a walk on Friday and blew out my shoes (you know how that is – I popped the air in my Nike Airs).
Normal Life: I can’t wait for this work day to be over and Thanksgiving will begin! I was dreading this holiday before I got pregnant again. Now I think I can do this. We’ll just be with M’s immediate family and his brother’s roommate’s family (random?). I’m happy about this because we won’t have the huge family gathering with everyone NOT talking about how we were supposed to have a baby by now. And it means I can hold out on telling M’s grandmother for a little longer (we’re looking at hopefully telling on her birthday in mid-December).
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there. I have so much to be thankful for and I can’t believe I’m living this life right now. I’ll keep all of you in my thoughts tomorrow. I know some of you are afraid for current pregnancies and some are wishing to be pregnant. I never stop thinking and hoping for you.
Good Things: The fabled “honeymoon of pregnancy” has begun. I’m staying awake to my normal 10 pm bedtime. I actually do things in the evening. My boobs feel fine. I’m showing just enough to make me smile. I’ve got these little flutters. M has started rubbing my belly and saying “Hi Baby!” and melting my heart.
Bad Things: Yeah, all that stuff ending scares me. My face is still gross and I have zits everywhere. I went for a walk on Friday and blew out my shoes (you know how that is – I popped the air in my Nike Airs).
Normal Life: I can’t wait for this work day to be over and Thanksgiving will begin! I was dreading this holiday before I got pregnant again. Now I think I can do this. We’ll just be with M’s immediate family and his brother’s roommate’s family (random?). I’m happy about this because we won’t have the huge family gathering with everyone NOT talking about how we were supposed to have a baby by now. And it means I can hold out on telling M’s grandmother for a little longer (we’re looking at hopefully telling on her birthday in mid-December).
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there. I have so much to be thankful for and I can’t believe I’m living this life right now. I’ll keep all of you in my thoughts tomorrow. I know some of you are afraid for current pregnancies and some are wishing to be pregnant. I never stop thinking and hoping for you.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Flutter talk
Remember how I was talking about those flutters last week? And how I KNOW they aren’t the baby moving, but they give me some hope that there is someone in there? I’m not the only one that loves them!
I told M about them a few times. He has nodded and kind of acknowledged them like any of my other symptoms. But on Sunday night, we were reading on the couch (the cable went out) and I told him I could feel them. He looked at me and asked if he could feel them, too. He had the sweetest look on his face, he wanted to feel them more than anything! I wish I could give that to him. Just a few more weeks, right?
I gave more blood to the CF doctor yesterday. It took three sticks for him to get a vein. They didn't hurt, though, and I don't have those awful bruises that you usually get when they miss. M said it was a good thing he wasn't there. He never would have made it through the first one. After he got enough blood, the doctor talked economics with me. He was curious about what I'd pay for some of these tests. It's hard to look back and say what I would have paid before I knew anything about the different strains of CF and all the mutations. I think he was disappointed in my answer. Then he told me they are going to shift their major focus to paternity tests (while still researching the CF tests) because those have a high demand. How scary is that?
I just scheduled a tour of a day care facility. It is right after my appointment on Monday. I had to cancel two tours in May because of my miscarriage. Now I’m stressed out.
I told M about them a few times. He has nodded and kind of acknowledged them like any of my other symptoms. But on Sunday night, we were reading on the couch (the cable went out) and I told him I could feel them. He looked at me and asked if he could feel them, too. He had the sweetest look on his face, he wanted to feel them more than anything! I wish I could give that to him. Just a few more weeks, right?
I gave more blood to the CF doctor yesterday. It took three sticks for him to get a vein. They didn't hurt, though, and I don't have those awful bruises that you usually get when they miss. M said it was a good thing he wasn't there. He never would have made it through the first one. After he got enough blood, the doctor talked economics with me. He was curious about what I'd pay for some of these tests. It's hard to look back and say what I would have paid before I knew anything about the different strains of CF and all the mutations. I think he was disappointed in my answer. Then he told me they are going to shift their major focus to paternity tests (while still researching the CF tests) because those have a high demand. How scary is that?
I just scheduled a tour of a day care facility. It is right after my appointment on Monday. I had to cancel two tours in May because of my miscarriage. Now I’m stressed out.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Reactions, rings and pants
I have a few things I want to talk about today. Reactions, Belly Rings and Pants.
1. Reactions: Telling people you are pregnant (again) is a totally different experience. Some people barely even register. “Oh, ok” and they go on with whatever. You’d think I told them this same thing 6 months ago. Some people are SO happy for us. Our neighbors actually clapped and cheered! Most people are kind of in between – they’re happy to hear the news, just a little more reserved than before. I understand that one the most. I’m kind of reserved about it, too.
One of my coworkers told me I shouldn’t move around as much and not wear tight clothes. I’m pretty sure my baby didn’t die because of the pants I was wearing. That kind of hurt.
2. Belly Rings: We took out my belly button ring on Friday night. I feel naked. I got that ring my junior year of college in August 1999. One of the first people I showed was my friend across the hall. I had no clue that 10 years later he’d be the one taking it out because we’re expecting a baby! But now my stomach looks so boring and sad. M told me I look like a Cyclops. I’m glad we didn’t wait longer – M had a hard time prying that thing apart and I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m not going to put it back in or try to keep it from closing up. I’ll be 30 in a month. I don’t need a belly button ring anymore.
3. Pants: I’m wearing maternity pants and I LOVE them.
1. Reactions: Telling people you are pregnant (again) is a totally different experience. Some people barely even register. “Oh, ok” and they go on with whatever. You’d think I told them this same thing 6 months ago. Some people are SO happy for us. Our neighbors actually clapped and cheered! Most people are kind of in between – they’re happy to hear the news, just a little more reserved than before. I understand that one the most. I’m kind of reserved about it, too.
One of my coworkers told me I shouldn’t move around as much and not wear tight clothes. I’m pretty sure my baby didn’t die because of the pants I was wearing. That kind of hurt.
2. Belly Rings: We took out my belly button ring on Friday night. I feel naked. I got that ring my junior year of college in August 1999. One of the first people I showed was my friend across the hall. I had no clue that 10 years later he’d be the one taking it out because we’re expecting a baby! But now my stomach looks so boring and sad. M told me I look like a Cyclops. I’m glad we didn’t wait longer – M had a hard time prying that thing apart and I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m not going to put it back in or try to keep it from closing up. I’ll be 30 in a month. I don’t need a belly button ring anymore.
3. Pants: I’m wearing maternity pants and I LOVE them.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
15 Weeks
I’m in uncharted territory.
Good things: I’m still kind of tired. I’m waiting for the second trimester energy to kick in, but I haven’t seen it yet. That’s fine with me. I don’t really mind lounging on the couch and not doing laundry. My house is getting messy, though. The boobs are barely hurting at all, but they are changing. I’ve got these blue veins that I can see and it grosses me out. I can only see them in the mirror. I spend a lot of time staring at various body parts in the mirror. I’m getting a little bigger. My abs feel like I’ve been doing sit-ups (as if I would know what that feels like).
Great things: I’ve read everywhere that these little flutters are not baby movements. Fine. I believe you. But they are something. I didn’t have this before pregnancy and I have a lot of gas problems. This is something else. Everyone on the birth boards is talking about them now. So this isn’t a kid kicking me. I’ll call it “Uterus flutters” and I’ll put it in the symptom column. However. There was something. Something completely and totally different than these little flutters. I was running all over the office and bending up and down and carrying plans all over the place and in a tizzy because of some work thing. When it all calmed down, I sat in my chair and took a deep breath. That was when something (I won’t say who or what) tapped me from the inside about 4 quick times. It was light like a fingertip and right down there where a baby lives. It was just that one time. I’m still not saying I felt baby movement… but I’m also not saying that I haven’t.
Bad things: I’ve lost my confidence from the appointment on Thursday. I’m not gaining weight. I still am the only person in my household that thinks I’m showing.
In normal life: I dropped off some blood for the CF doctor yesterday. They made a discovery about blood draws while I was sitting there (something about blood flow – I wasn’t watching). I felt cool to be helping them out.
I’ve heard so much about how once you’re past 14 weeks, your chance of miscarriage goes down again. Yeah? I thought it went down at 6 weeks… or 10 weeks… or at the 2nd trimester… This feeling will never go away. I know I’ll feel better once (if?) I can feel someone kicking my lungs. Come on time! Speed up!!!
Good things: I’m still kind of tired. I’m waiting for the second trimester energy to kick in, but I haven’t seen it yet. That’s fine with me. I don’t really mind lounging on the couch and not doing laundry. My house is getting messy, though. The boobs are barely hurting at all, but they are changing. I’ve got these blue veins that I can see and it grosses me out. I can only see them in the mirror. I spend a lot of time staring at various body parts in the mirror. I’m getting a little bigger. My abs feel like I’ve been doing sit-ups (as if I would know what that feels like).
Great things: I’ve read everywhere that these little flutters are not baby movements. Fine. I believe you. But they are something. I didn’t have this before pregnancy and I have a lot of gas problems. This is something else. Everyone on the birth boards is talking about them now. So this isn’t a kid kicking me. I’ll call it “Uterus flutters” and I’ll put it in the symptom column. However. There was something. Something completely and totally different than these little flutters. I was running all over the office and bending up and down and carrying plans all over the place and in a tizzy because of some work thing. When it all calmed down, I sat in my chair and took a deep breath. That was when something (I won’t say who or what) tapped me from the inside about 4 quick times. It was light like a fingertip and right down there where a baby lives. It was just that one time. I’m still not saying I felt baby movement… but I’m also not saying that I haven’t.
Bad things: I’ve lost my confidence from the appointment on Thursday. I’m not gaining weight. I still am the only person in my household that thinks I’m showing.
In normal life: I dropped off some blood for the CF doctor yesterday. They made a discovery about blood draws while I was sitting there (something about blood flow – I wasn’t watching). I felt cool to be helping them out.
I’ve heard so much about how once you’re past 14 weeks, your chance of miscarriage goes down again. Yeah? I thought it went down at 6 weeks… or 10 weeks… or at the 2nd trimester… This feeling will never go away. I know I’ll feel better once (if?) I can feel someone kicking my lungs. Come on time! Speed up!!!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Telling the world
We’ve started telling people. We told M’s friends at a football game on Saturday. I told my friend’s mom on Sunday. I told my coworkers this morning. We’re not making grand announcements. We’re just mentioning to people as we see them. Now I’m freaking out.
I KNOW this baby isn’t going to just up and die because I started telling people we’re pregnant. I know that is a crazy thought. I still have it. I’ve said this over and over, but last time we started telling and our baby was already dead.
I don’t want to tell M’s grandmother yet. She had some miscarriages and she took ours pretty hard. That little boy was going to be her first great-grandchild. Everyone had been waiting for him (I found out that they watched my every move towards the bar since we got married). I KNOW it’s not my fault, but I feel like I let her down. I don’t want that to happen again. I told my MIL about this and she hugged me and started to cry (so what else is new?). I’m not waiting because I’m upset. I’m waiting because she was so upset. I don’t want her to worry like I’ve been worrying. She knows what it’s like.
So I have a question. When does this pregnancy stuff start flying by? I keep hearing “Oh, enjoy it! It’ll be over so fast! Pregnancy is so great!” Every second is like an hour for me. October was 6 months long. November isn’t going any faster. The only time that goes by fast is the time I get for sleeping.
I KNOW this baby isn’t going to just up and die because I started telling people we’re pregnant. I know that is a crazy thought. I still have it. I’ve said this over and over, but last time we started telling and our baby was already dead.
I don’t want to tell M’s grandmother yet. She had some miscarriages and she took ours pretty hard. That little boy was going to be her first great-grandchild. Everyone had been waiting for him (I found out that they watched my every move towards the bar since we got married). I KNOW it’s not my fault, but I feel like I let her down. I don’t want that to happen again. I told my MIL about this and she hugged me and started to cry (so what else is new?). I’m not waiting because I’m upset. I’m waiting because she was so upset. I don’t want her to worry like I’ve been worrying. She knows what it’s like.
So I have a question. When does this pregnancy stuff start flying by? I keep hearing “Oh, enjoy it! It’ll be over so fast! Pregnancy is so great!” Every second is like an hour for me. October was 6 months long. November isn’t going any faster. The only time that goes by fast is the time I get for sleeping.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Belly Pic - 14 weeks
I had M take a lot of pictures. This is the only one where it looks like I have a baby bump and not just some extra pudge. Unfortunately, I'm leaning back so you can't really appreciate my ample bosom. Sorry about that. I know you're all fascinated with boob size, but I can't please everyone.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Due Date
I’m not sure how to feel today. I knew I’d be confused. I have so many different feelings right now. I have a vague feeling of sadness, but I just can’t suppress the joy from yesterday. So right now, I’m actually a little giddy. Which makes me feel guilty. I know there’s no RIGHT way to feel today. I’ll probably have some bad times off and on, but I’m doing much better than I thought I would be. Good news just seems to be flowing today (you know who you are!) and my mind has a hard time thinking about the bad stuff when I have so much good right now.
******
I wrote this a few days ago, when I still wasn’t sure I would still be pregnant today:
In the past few weeks, the emptiness was getting to me. I have all this empty time. I feel like something is missing in my life. I felt it a little when we started TTC last year, but now it is getting bigger. I have these hours that I don’t want to fill. I just kind of sit and look around. I know what I should be doing. I should be taking care of a little one. I should be wishing for more sleep. I should be smiling at a sleeping little boy.
I would know now what he looks like. I would know if those blue eyes snuck past my family’s dark brown eyes. I would know how big he would be. I would know what his hands looked like and how cute those toes could be. I would know what it was like to have a baby want to be held by me.
Instead, I’m at work. I’m wearing normal people pants. No one here knows what today is. Why would you remember someone’s unfulfilled due date? That’s not something you write on your calendar.
******
A girl walked up to me today and said “It’s Friday the 13th! This is such a terrible day!” and I didn’t really respond. I kind of started to like the idea of Friday the 13th…
Like I said, those thoughts are still there, just not in the front of my mind. I wish the world worked out different, but I can’t wish this new little baby away. I want this baby, I want the other baby. I’m totally in love with that little sound I heard yesterday, I wish I had a crying baby in my arms right now.
Even with all this last year has brought me, I’m so happy and blessed to be where I am right now.
******
I wrote this a few days ago, when I still wasn’t sure I would still be pregnant today:
In the past few weeks, the emptiness was getting to me. I have all this empty time. I feel like something is missing in my life. I felt it a little when we started TTC last year, but now it is getting bigger. I have these hours that I don’t want to fill. I just kind of sit and look around. I know what I should be doing. I should be taking care of a little one. I should be wishing for more sleep. I should be smiling at a sleeping little boy.
I would know now what he looks like. I would know if those blue eyes snuck past my family’s dark brown eyes. I would know how big he would be. I would know what his hands looked like and how cute those toes could be. I would know what it was like to have a baby want to be held by me.
Instead, I’m at work. I’m wearing normal people pants. No one here knows what today is. Why would you remember someone’s unfulfilled due date? That’s not something you write on your calendar.
******
A girl walked up to me today and said “It’s Friday the 13th! This is such a terrible day!” and I didn’t really respond. I kind of started to like the idea of Friday the 13th…
Like I said, those thoughts are still there, just not in the front of my mind. I wish the world worked out different, but I can’t wish this new little baby away. I want this baby, I want the other baby. I’m totally in love with that little sound I heard yesterday, I wish I had a crying baby in my arms right now.
Even with all this last year has brought me, I’m so happy and blessed to be where I am right now.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Faithfully...
I heard a Journey song on the way to the doctor's office. On my way to the first appointment, I heard "Don't Stop Believing!" and I knew it would be an anthem for this pregnancy. I was thinking as I drove today... I'd really like to hear some Journey and then it was the next song.
We were in the office for about an hour before we went back to a room. The nurse kept coming out and telling me she didn't forget! That was nice.
M saw a guy he knew from elementary school leaving with his wife. They shook hands and congratulated each other.
Then we went into the room. It's weird waiting in a setting like that. M and I were kind of looking at each other. We talked a little about being nervous. Then we stared some more. It is nice to be able to keep my pants on now. I don't get nearly as sweaty when I'm fully clothed.
The doctor came in and went for a listen right away. And then we waited and she searched. And searched. She started feeling around looking for my uterus. Then she searched some more. I closed my eyes and just prayed. That's when she said, "I can hear something moving in there," but that didn't help much. Nervousness = Gas for me. I was sure she was just hearing my intestines. Then it was there. Not very loud, but totally not timed with my pounding heart.
160 beats per minute. A heartbeat heard on a doppler. I felt my own heart relax.
I asked her about the due dates since the NT scan put me 8 days ahead. She talked about different machines and different times and whatever. Then she said that since I've been consistently ahead, she's going to split the difference. My new official due date is May 12th. That puts me at 14 weeks and 1 day. Wow.
Officially, officially out of the first trimester. With a live baby.
Tomorrow is still going to be tough, but I can hold this new hope in my heart and I can get through it. Especially with the support I have here. Thank you.
We were in the office for about an hour before we went back to a room. The nurse kept coming out and telling me she didn't forget! That was nice.
M saw a guy he knew from elementary school leaving with his wife. They shook hands and congratulated each other.
Then we went into the room. It's weird waiting in a setting like that. M and I were kind of looking at each other. We talked a little about being nervous. Then we stared some more. It is nice to be able to keep my pants on now. I don't get nearly as sweaty when I'm fully clothed.
The doctor came in and went for a listen right away. And then we waited and she searched. And searched. She started feeling around looking for my uterus. Then she searched some more. I closed my eyes and just prayed. That's when she said, "I can hear something moving in there," but that didn't help much. Nervousness = Gas for me. I was sure she was just hearing my intestines. Then it was there. Not very loud, but totally not timed with my pounding heart.
160 beats per minute. A heartbeat heard on a doppler. I felt my own heart relax.
I asked her about the due dates since the NT scan put me 8 days ahead. She talked about different machines and different times and whatever. Then she said that since I've been consistently ahead, she's going to split the difference. My new official due date is May 12th. That puts me at 14 weeks and 1 day. Wow.
Officially, officially out of the first trimester. With a live baby.
Tomorrow is still going to be tough, but I can hold this new hope in my heart and I can get through it. Especially with the support I have here. Thank you.
Keeping Calm... deep breath...
This is it. 13 weeks and 3 days. I have never heard a heartbeat at my doctor's office. I want that to happen today.
I'm wearing my lucky rhino necklace, dragonfly earrings, butterfly socks, and red underpants. I've got my rock lobster in my purse. My page-a-day calendar has a rainbow on it today.
I have an important project for work today that I need to get finished so I can leave this afternoon with nothing to worry about. I'll clean up my desk at 2:30 and leave at 2:40. Hopefully I'll be here tomorrow, but I like to be ready.
Send some prayers and hold my hand at 3 pm, please!
I'm wearing my lucky rhino necklace, dragonfly earrings, butterfly socks, and red underpants. I've got my rock lobster in my purse. My page-a-day calendar has a rainbow on it today.
I have an important project for work today that I need to get finished so I can leave this afternoon with nothing to worry about. I'll clean up my desk at 2:30 and leave at 2:40. Hopefully I'll be here tomorrow, but I like to be ready.
Send some prayers and hold my hand at 3 pm, please!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
If if if
Things are looking up. I cried yesterday because M came home and I was making chicken fajitas. He had told me on the phone we would make stir-fry for dinner. And I cried. And cried. And cried. Then I cried more because poor M was getting home from a terrible day at work at 7:30 pm to a crazy wife who was crying about the wrong chicken.
But then he laughed at me a little and said I was making him feel better because I was sobbing into his armpit.
The tide of emotions for Friday is starting to come in. Part of me thinks I should stay home from work. But won’t that just be worse? Sitting on my couch watching Ellen and crying? I could at least sit here and cry a little in the bathroom. As usual, I must add the side note that this is assuming everything will go well at the appointment on Thursday.
On that note, does anyone read Busted Babymaker? Back when she was waiting for her Toddle, she always said “if” and “maybe” and never “when.” I didn’t understand why she was so negative about her pregnancy. But here I am, doing the exact same thing. My loss is so different from hers, so much earlier and one baby. But I get it now. Even when I think about this pregnancy in my head, I have to say if. I can’t ever assume things will be ok. When I think about our son, I remember how I would talk about when Thanksgiving came and how we would have this little baby. Now I say that I hope I’ll still be pregnant at Thanksgiving so I can wear my belly band and have more room for mashed potatoes.
How can I function in the normal world? I cringe when people around me say when about my pregnancy. I have to correct them in my head. I can’t hear their positive voices. This weekend, my (wonderful, lovely, perfect, pretty) friend said something like, “This is something you can do to keep busy when you’re in labor.” And I said in my head, “Hopefully! Hopefully!” But, really, if she had said, “This is something you can do to keep busy if you ever get to the point where you’re in labor,” I would be crying and sad and hurt. So I need that positivity from the people around me. I won’t ever say when, but I need to hear it.
54 more hours. It feels weird to count down to something that could be devastating.
But then he laughed at me a little and said I was making him feel better because I was sobbing into his armpit.
The tide of emotions for Friday is starting to come in. Part of me thinks I should stay home from work. But won’t that just be worse? Sitting on my couch watching Ellen and crying? I could at least sit here and cry a little in the bathroom. As usual, I must add the side note that this is assuming everything will go well at the appointment on Thursday.
On that note, does anyone read Busted Babymaker? Back when she was waiting for her Toddle, she always said “if” and “maybe” and never “when.” I didn’t understand why she was so negative about her pregnancy. But here I am, doing the exact same thing. My loss is so different from hers, so much earlier and one baby. But I get it now. Even when I think about this pregnancy in my head, I have to say if. I can’t ever assume things will be ok. When I think about our son, I remember how I would talk about when Thanksgiving came and how we would have this little baby. Now I say that I hope I’ll still be pregnant at Thanksgiving so I can wear my belly band and have more room for mashed potatoes.
How can I function in the normal world? I cringe when people around me say when about my pregnancy. I have to correct them in my head. I can’t hear their positive voices. This weekend, my (wonderful, lovely, perfect, pretty) friend said something like, “This is something you can do to keep busy when you’re in labor.” And I said in my head, “Hopefully! Hopefully!” But, really, if she had said, “This is something you can do to keep busy if you ever get to the point where you’re in labor,” I would be crying and sad and hurt. So I need that positivity from the people around me. I won’t ever say when, but I need to hear it.
54 more hours. It feels weird to count down to something that could be devastating.
Monday, November 9, 2009
13 Weeks
Well, here we are. The milestone week. If I can make it past this week I will be in the second trimester with a live baby. I made it to the second trimester before… but with a dead baby. My appointment is on Thursday – exactly 13 weeks and 3 days.
Some good things: I’m still feeling nauseous. This morning I threw up in my mouth on my way to work. It was gross, but not huge, you know? Just a little tiny bit. And it made me happy. I’m so weird. I had some more “growing pains,” but they might have just been gas. I’m still falling asleep around 9 pm. My boobs are still tender when I smoosh them.
Some bad things: All of my symptoms are decreasing. I know this is supposed to happen. It’s fine and normal… but it happened at the same point last time and look where that got me.
I have a little voice come in and say, “Don’t worry! What are the chances you’ll find out about your miscarriage in the same week as last time?” and then a second voice chimes in, “Pretty damn good!” and a third, weaker one says, “Hey! Everything will be fine and May will bring a baby!” and the other two voices shout, “Shut up, dummy!” This happens 2-3 times an hour.
I’m sorry to be such a downer at this time when I should start to get excited, but this is going to get rough. I am simultaneously dreading and longing for Thursday. I wish it would just get here and we could get past Friday and I could start to get excited. I’m afraid it will get here and I will be sadder than I ever was in May.
We went back to the CF doctor on Friday afternoon. They have most of M’s DNA sequenced (and all is clear so far), but a few pieces just aren’t working. They took 4 tubes of blood from him and he did great. The doctor took the blood himself, so now M is done. We’ll know his full results on Wednesday afternoon. If all goes well with me, I’ll give 1-2 tubes every week for 3-4 weeks starting next week. Again, I’m happy to be part of this study. He really wanted some blood for this week, but decided to wait until we’re past the 14 week mark.
I’ll have more updates this week that will sound about the same. Hopefully, you’ll get a positive and joyful post on Thursday. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Some good things: I’m still feeling nauseous. This morning I threw up in my mouth on my way to work. It was gross, but not huge, you know? Just a little tiny bit. And it made me happy. I’m so weird. I had some more “growing pains,” but they might have just been gas. I’m still falling asleep around 9 pm. My boobs are still tender when I smoosh them.
Some bad things: All of my symptoms are decreasing. I know this is supposed to happen. It’s fine and normal… but it happened at the same point last time and look where that got me.
I have a little voice come in and say, “Don’t worry! What are the chances you’ll find out about your miscarriage in the same week as last time?” and then a second voice chimes in, “Pretty damn good!” and a third, weaker one says, “Hey! Everything will be fine and May will bring a baby!” and the other two voices shout, “Shut up, dummy!” This happens 2-3 times an hour.
I’m sorry to be such a downer at this time when I should start to get excited, but this is going to get rough. I am simultaneously dreading and longing for Thursday. I wish it would just get here and we could get past Friday and I could start to get excited. I’m afraid it will get here and I will be sadder than I ever was in May.
We went back to the CF doctor on Friday afternoon. They have most of M’s DNA sequenced (and all is clear so far), but a few pieces just aren’t working. They took 4 tubes of blood from him and he did great. The doctor took the blood himself, so now M is done. We’ll know his full results on Wednesday afternoon. If all goes well with me, I’ll give 1-2 tubes every week for 3-4 weeks starting next week. Again, I’m happy to be part of this study. He really wanted some blood for this week, but decided to wait until we’re past the 14 week mark.
I’ll have more updates this week that will sound about the same. Hopefully, you’ll get a positive and joyful post on Thursday. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Shots
I got my h1n1 shot. It took 5 minutes. A little girl watched them stick the needle in my arm. I watched her watching me. Her eyes got all round and huge. I think that made it hurt me a little more. I came right back to work and handed over the paperwork to my boss. We do some work for a giant hospital that is now requiring all of their contractors to have the flu shots. This may be the only time in the history of the world that pregnancy has been an asset to an employer. I just hope they realize that I’m not carrying ladders all over the place.
M has to go into the CF doctor again tomorrow. They have 95% of his gene sequenced (and still no sign of being a carrier! Hooray!!). They can’t get the rest from his cheek swab, so we’ll go in right after lunch tomorrow when his blood sugar is nice and high. I’ll have some more blood drawn, too.
Anyway, the good feeling I had from the ultrasound on Monday is gone. It lasted way longer than I thought! I got all the way to Wednesday night before I started getting nervous again. I’m still torn about the Doppler thing. M vetoed the idea as soon as it came out of my mouth. “No. Way. That is not going to help you calm down.” Only 7 days and 2 hours until my next appointment!
The big news today is AKD having her FET today. Send her love!
M has to go into the CF doctor again tomorrow. They have 95% of his gene sequenced (and still no sign of being a carrier! Hooray!!). They can’t get the rest from his cheek swab, so we’ll go in right after lunch tomorrow when his blood sugar is nice and high. I’ll have some more blood drawn, too.
Anyway, the good feeling I had from the ultrasound on Monday is gone. It lasted way longer than I thought! I got all the way to Wednesday night before I started getting nervous again. I’m still torn about the Doppler thing. M vetoed the idea as soon as it came out of my mouth. “No. Way. That is not going to help you calm down.” Only 7 days and 2 hours until my next appointment!
The big news today is AKD having her FET today. Send her love!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
12 Weeks (or 13 weeks?)
Today I am 12 weeks, 1 day. Or 13 weeks, 2 days. I think I’m going to stick with the old dates for a while. I’ll talk to my doctor next week and see what she thinks. So here is my 12 week status report:
My symptoms are the same as last week. I get a little tiny bit nauseous in the morning before breakfast and then a little tiny bit after I eat. Then I’m fine. My boobs are hurting less. Every once in a while, they’ll hurt so bad I could cry, but that seems to coincide with the husband having grabby hands…
My button up shirts are not fitting anymore. This is not because of my belly. I have to safety pin my shirts closed because they are straining around my chest. It’s not like I’m new to this. I can only wear shirts from NY&Co because they are the only ones that stretch enough to cover them normally. Now those aren’t doing the job anymore. At least colder weather is coming, so these shirts aren’t going to be practical much longer anyway. I can’t wait to get to sweaters.
I’m hairbanding all my pants now. I’m not quite ready to go to the bella band yet, but I’ve got 2 under my bed. It’s hard to pee with those things, and I’m peeing a lot. I guess the hairbands are a hassle, too. It might be time to take a belly picture.
I’m falling asleep before 9 pm every night and I’m uncomfortable when I sleep. I don’t want M to touch me at night, and I’m normally a huge cuddler. I tuck a bear* under my stomach and I’m happy.
I just got an appointment for my h1n1 vaccine. I know there is a lot of debate about it, but my mom is a nurse in a large health care system and is on committees about pandemic flues. She told me to get the shot, so I'm getting the shot. Also, my mother in law sends me emails every day about getting the shot and washing my hands. That is getting old.
*I’ve had this bear since I was 8 years old and it is a little taller than my friend’s 20 month old daughter. I love this bear.
My symptoms are the same as last week. I get a little tiny bit nauseous in the morning before breakfast and then a little tiny bit after I eat. Then I’m fine. My boobs are hurting less. Every once in a while, they’ll hurt so bad I could cry, but that seems to coincide with the husband having grabby hands…
My button up shirts are not fitting anymore. This is not because of my belly. I have to safety pin my shirts closed because they are straining around my chest. It’s not like I’m new to this. I can only wear shirts from NY&Co because they are the only ones that stretch enough to cover them normally. Now those aren’t doing the job anymore. At least colder weather is coming, so these shirts aren’t going to be practical much longer anyway. I can’t wait to get to sweaters.
I’m hairbanding all my pants now. I’m not quite ready to go to the bella band yet, but I’ve got 2 under my bed. It’s hard to pee with those things, and I’m peeing a lot. I guess the hairbands are a hassle, too. It might be time to take a belly picture.
I’m falling asleep before 9 pm every night and I’m uncomfortable when I sleep. I don’t want M to touch me at night, and I’m normally a huge cuddler. I tuck a bear* under my stomach and I’m happy.
I just got an appointment for my h1n1 vaccine. I know there is a lot of debate about it, but my mom is a nurse in a large health care system and is on committees about pandemic flues. She told me to get the shot, so I'm getting the shot. Also, my mother in law sends me emails every day about getting the shot and washing my hands. That is getting old.
*I’ve had this bear since I was 8 years old and it is a little taller than my friend’s 20 month old daughter. I love this bear.
Monday, November 2, 2009
NT Scan Results
Everything looks wonderful. Thank you so much for your prayers and support!
Here are the details: I told the tech about the miscarriages and she was great. She was kind and asked all the right questions. I felt like hugging her. She looked for the heart beat right away and I couldn’t really see it, but she let us hear it. It was at about 176 right then. I think it might have been high because my own heart rate was out of control. Then she checked all over. The baby is perfect. We saw both hemispheres of the brain, a bladder, spinal cord, fingers, toes and long legs. The baby opened and closed its mouth a few times.
M couldn’t take his eyes of the screen. He held my hand the whole time but I think he forgot I was in the room.
Later on in the scan, the baby’s heart rate went down to 158 and steady, which is wonderful. She was happy to see that. Then we talked about my dates. The baby measured 13 weeks, 1 day. That was from several measurements at several angles. I am supposed to be 12 weeks, 0 days. I’m not surprised that we were off – if everything had been right on time, we wouldn’t have this baby!
My due date has been changed to May 9th. This could be the best Mother’s day ever!
All of the measurements for the NT scan were right where they should be.
So, this baby moved everywhere. The last baby barely moved during the scan. The heart rate was at 158 and 176, which is within the normal range that the tech wants to see. The last baby was at 186 – too high. This baby is measuring 13 weeks, 1 day. The last one measured 12 weeks 6 days at my 14 week appointment.
Could this really happen?
Here are the details: I told the tech about the miscarriages and she was great. She was kind and asked all the right questions. I felt like hugging her. She looked for the heart beat right away and I couldn’t really see it, but she let us hear it. It was at about 176 right then. I think it might have been high because my own heart rate was out of control. Then she checked all over. The baby is perfect. We saw both hemispheres of the brain, a bladder, spinal cord, fingers, toes and long legs. The baby opened and closed its mouth a few times.
M couldn’t take his eyes of the screen. He held my hand the whole time but I think he forgot I was in the room.
Later on in the scan, the baby’s heart rate went down to 158 and steady, which is wonderful. She was happy to see that. Then we talked about my dates. The baby measured 13 weeks, 1 day. That was from several measurements at several angles. I am supposed to be 12 weeks, 0 days. I’m not surprised that we were off – if everything had been right on time, we wouldn’t have this baby!
My due date has been changed to May 9th. This could be the best Mother’s day ever!
All of the measurements for the NT scan were right where they should be.
So, this baby moved everywhere. The last baby barely moved during the scan. The heart rate was at 158 and 176, which is within the normal range that the tech wants to see. The last baby was at 186 – too high. This baby is measuring 13 weeks, 1 day. The last one measured 12 weeks 6 days at my 14 week appointment.
Could this really happen?
Sunday, November 1, 2009
NT Scan tomorrow!
We're going to the NT scan tomorrow morning, bright and early. We need to be there at 7:45, so I'll be drinking tons of water and wishing I could pee by 6:30.
As of right now (2 pm on Sunday afternoon), I'm feeling good. I'm not to worried, but then I remember that I wasn't worried at that 14-week appointment in May. Then I get worried about not being worried and thinking I might jinx everything.
Do you think I can get the tech to look for a heartbeat immediately? Last time, she looked at my ovaries forever before even passing by the baby. I guess it won't hurt to ask.
As of right now (2 pm on Sunday afternoon), I'm feeling good. I'm not to worried, but then I remember that I wasn't worried at that 14-week appointment in May. Then I get worried about not being worried and thinking I might jinx everything.
Do you think I can get the tech to look for a heartbeat immediately? Last time, she looked at my ovaries forever before even passing by the baby. I guess it won't hurt to ask.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Keep Growing!
I was reading today’s Kirtsy post at LFCA. The post is Bloom Where You’re Planted and it reminded me of my own journey. Lori talks about the plants in her garden that have just shown up, accidently, and how they have taken root around her house.
Right after my D&C in May, I was looking around my yard. I had a garden full of tulips and daffodils that I was so excited about. The daffodil stems poked out of the ground, grew tall and green… and never bloomed. Only half of the tulips (maroon and orange, of course) showed up, with maybe 3 flowers out of the two dozen bulbs. I had a garden full of stems. This brought on a bad night with the husband, with me crying those cries that don’t even make noise. How come I only could grow things half way?
Lori’s post reminded me of my little accidental baby. I tried so hard for the other ones. I wanted them to grow right where they were planted. But this one… this plant that just shows up and grows, like her stubborn flowers, is a survivor. Come on baby. Keep growing.
Right after my D&C in May, I was looking around my yard. I had a garden full of tulips and daffodils that I was so excited about. The daffodil stems poked out of the ground, grew tall and green… and never bloomed. Only half of the tulips (maroon and orange, of course) showed up, with maybe 3 flowers out of the two dozen bulbs. I had a garden full of stems. This brought on a bad night with the husband, with me crying those cries that don’t even make noise. How come I only could grow things half way?
Lori’s post reminded me of my little accidental baby. I tried so hard for the other ones. I wanted them to grow right where they were planted. But this one… this plant that just shows up and grows, like her stubborn flowers, is a survivor. Come on baby. Keep growing.
Skinny Pants
I did wear my skinny pants yesterday. The buttons didn't even come close together. It was great. I almost skipped back from the bathroom each time I went.
Then I went home for lunch. M was home with a sore throat, so we had soup together. It was nice. He pointed out that I had a huge grease stain on my butt. So I had to change out of my skinny pants to regular jeans that zip up just fine.
Boring.
Then I went home for lunch. M was home with a sore throat, so we had soup together. It was nice. He pointed out that I had a huge grease stain on my butt. So I had to change out of my skinny pants to regular jeans that zip up just fine.
Boring.
Monday, October 26, 2009
11 weeks
I guess not much has changed over the last week. I have one week until the NT scan. One week until I start to get nervous for real (like all the nervousness I have now is nothing).
I saw an old friend on Friday night and I did something a little out of character. I told her how scared I am about November. And you know what she did? She gave me a big hug and told me she would be there for me. So I might continue to break out of my usual self and ask for help. I’m going to need a lot of hugs.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night (and it wasn’t because I saw Paranormal Activity on Saturday night). It was because I couldn’t stop thinking about my appointment on November 12th. I’m so afraid that one will end bad. The appointment is at 3 pm, so if I do have to get a D&C, it won’t be on Friday. I would have to wait until Monday. That would be 3 whole days of that misery. I almost couldn’t survive the 22 hours I had to wait last time. I have some big plans for that weekend – a football game and a surprise birthday party. I know I’d be letting people down if I didn’t go to those. The friend with the birthday might not understand if I stayed home. But I’d be bringing a dark cloud with me if I did go. And I'd have to spend November 13th, my due date, carrying a dead baby.
WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS??
Let’s go back to the positive. I’m still feeling good. I still have sore boobies. The soreness is coming and going, the tenderness is always there, but not too bad. My face and hairline are covered in gross zits. I’m still having the pulling/pushing out surface cramps that I am taking as a good sign. I even have a little tiny belly sticking out. I told M I thought it might just be a food baby. He asked me what a food baby was and I said, “That’s what you’re having!” and he wasn’t too happy.
The pants I have on today fit fine. I had to hair-band my jeans over the weekend. I might wear my skinny pants tomorrow just to make myself happy.
I saw an old friend on Friday night and I did something a little out of character. I told her how scared I am about November. And you know what she did? She gave me a big hug and told me she would be there for me. So I might continue to break out of my usual self and ask for help. I’m going to need a lot of hugs.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night (and it wasn’t because I saw Paranormal Activity on Saturday night). It was because I couldn’t stop thinking about my appointment on November 12th. I’m so afraid that one will end bad. The appointment is at 3 pm, so if I do have to get a D&C, it won’t be on Friday. I would have to wait until Monday. That would be 3 whole days of that misery. I almost couldn’t survive the 22 hours I had to wait last time. I have some big plans for that weekend – a football game and a surprise birthday party. I know I’d be letting people down if I didn’t go to those. The friend with the birthday might not understand if I stayed home. But I’d be bringing a dark cloud with me if I did go. And I'd have to spend November 13th, my due date, carrying a dead baby.
WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS??
Let’s go back to the positive. I’m still feeling good. I still have sore boobies. The soreness is coming and going, the tenderness is always there, but not too bad. My face and hairline are covered in gross zits. I’m still having the pulling/pushing out surface cramps that I am taking as a good sign. I even have a little tiny belly sticking out. I told M I thought it might just be a food baby. He asked me what a food baby was and I said, “That’s what you’re having!” and he wasn’t too happy.
The pants I have on today fit fine. I had to hair-band my jeans over the weekend. I might wear my skinny pants tomorrow just to make myself happy.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Doppler Post
First off - M is NOT a carrier of any of the common forms of Cystic Fibrosis. We will know the results for the other 1500 forms of the mutation in about 2 weeks. We are down to a 12% chance that he will be a carrier.
Now I will start talking about a Fetal Doppler.
I don’t know what to do. I’m nervous all the time. I know lots of you have Dopplers and you like them. They keep you calm and happy. AND you get to hear that little heartbeat all the time!
My plan would be to order it near the end of next week so I would get it close to Saturday (Oct 31). I have my NT scan on Monday morning (the 2nd). I would try to find the heartbeat on Sunday evening. If I didn’t find it, I would already be going to the doctor in the morning (after spending the night crying with fear). If I did find it, I would be relaxed for the appointment.
On second thought, maybe I would just wait until after the appointment.
My rule would be to only look in the morning, just in case I don’t hear anything. That way I can call the doctor if I need to.
But.
But what happens to me when I can’t find a heartbeat? I don’t know if I can deal with that. I don’t like the idea of it. I don’t know if I could deal with the waiting. What if I call the doctor and they tell me they can’t see me just because the Doppler doesn’t hear anything? I KNOW what it’s like to search for a heartbeat and not hear anything except my own heart racing with fear. And I was with a doctor who was trying to keep me calm.
I will need to talk this over with M. He will probably try to talk me out of it.
The 10 days between my NT scan (assuming the NT scan goes well) and my next OB appointment will be 100% scarier than the days leading up to the first appointment. I think they will be the scariest days of my life so far. I feel like having a Doppler could help me through it, but I don’t know if I could deal with the nervousness EVERY SINGLE time I pick up the machine to use it.
So, do I stress out majorly for a full 10 days with it all coming to a head on the 12th? Or do I stress out a little less every day for 10 days? Have you had an experience of not finding a heartbeat on a home Doppler? What happened when/if you called the doctor? Do you read a blog where this happened (with good or bad results)? I am 10 weeks, 3 days today. I will be 12 weeks exactly on Monday, November 2nd.
Now I will start talking about a Fetal Doppler.
I don’t know what to do. I’m nervous all the time. I know lots of you have Dopplers and you like them. They keep you calm and happy. AND you get to hear that little heartbeat all the time!
My plan would be to order it near the end of next week so I would get it close to Saturday (Oct 31). I have my NT scan on Monday morning (the 2nd). I would try to find the heartbeat on Sunday evening. If I didn’t find it, I would already be going to the doctor in the morning (after spending the night crying with fear). If I did find it, I would be relaxed for the appointment.
On second thought, maybe I would just wait until after the appointment.
My rule would be to only look in the morning, just in case I don’t hear anything. That way I can call the doctor if I need to.
But.
But what happens to me when I can’t find a heartbeat? I don’t know if I can deal with that. I don’t like the idea of it. I don’t know if I could deal with the waiting. What if I call the doctor and they tell me they can’t see me just because the Doppler doesn’t hear anything? I KNOW what it’s like to search for a heartbeat and not hear anything except my own heart racing with fear. And I was with a doctor who was trying to keep me calm.
I will need to talk this over with M. He will probably try to talk me out of it.
The 10 days between my NT scan (assuming the NT scan goes well) and my next OB appointment will be 100% scarier than the days leading up to the first appointment. I think they will be the scariest days of my life so far. I feel like having a Doppler could help me through it, but I don’t know if I could deal with the nervousness EVERY SINGLE time I pick up the machine to use it.
So, do I stress out majorly for a full 10 days with it all coming to a head on the 12th? Or do I stress out a little less every day for 10 days? Have you had an experience of not finding a heartbeat on a home Doppler? What happened when/if you called the doctor? Do you read a blog where this happened (with good or bad results)? I am 10 weeks, 3 days today. I will be 12 weeks exactly on Monday, November 2nd.
Monday, October 19, 2009
10 Weeks
Double digits! One quarter of the way through! Amost a Fetus!
I’m feeling pretty good now (meaning I don’t feel 100% perfect). My symptoms over the last week have been steady. I’ve got the morning queasiness that barely registers. It’s like I’ll be in the shower and all of the sudden think, “Ugh! I’m going to puke” and then it will go away immediately. I need to sleep everyday around 1 pm (which never happens). My boobs are getting bigger. I notice the way they hit my arms when I’m trying to do stuff. It’s a good thing it’s almost winter. There’s no way I could play miniature golf right now. They are sore/tender off and on. I need to pull out my journal from last time to see when they stopped hurting. I think it was right around now.
But the one symptom that I cling to the most is cramping. Does that sound weird? I didn’t have this last time. They are not crampy-cramps. I would call them surface cramps, like something is growing in there and pushing everything else out of the way. Even with all this, I’m not any bigger (in the belly area) and I haven’t gained any weight.
I spent Sunday with the most fertile family on the planet. I realized that I’m still not ready to be around pregnant ladies. They are just so confident with their bellies, I can’t take it. I kind of stare at them. How did they manage to get that far? How are they not sitting and staring at themselves in wonder? So, I’m still all jealous. No changes there. It reminded me about my pomegranate string and beads that I have waiting. I plan on wearing the bracelet when (if? Ugh!) I start showing. Maybe just one person will notice, but that’s enough. Maybe people will ask about it and I can spread the word.
M is in Alaska for this week. I hate it when he’s gone.
I’m feeling pretty good now (meaning I don’t feel 100% perfect). My symptoms over the last week have been steady. I’ve got the morning queasiness that barely registers. It’s like I’ll be in the shower and all of the sudden think, “Ugh! I’m going to puke” and then it will go away immediately. I need to sleep everyday around 1 pm (which never happens). My boobs are getting bigger. I notice the way they hit my arms when I’m trying to do stuff. It’s a good thing it’s almost winter. There’s no way I could play miniature golf right now. They are sore/tender off and on. I need to pull out my journal from last time to see when they stopped hurting. I think it was right around now.
But the one symptom that I cling to the most is cramping. Does that sound weird? I didn’t have this last time. They are not crampy-cramps. I would call them surface cramps, like something is growing in there and pushing everything else out of the way. Even with all this, I’m not any bigger (in the belly area) and I haven’t gained any weight.
I spent Sunday with the most fertile family on the planet. I realized that I’m still not ready to be around pregnant ladies. They are just so confident with their bellies, I can’t take it. I kind of stare at them. How did they manage to get that far? How are they not sitting and staring at themselves in wonder? So, I’m still all jealous. No changes there. It reminded me about my pomegranate string and beads that I have waiting. I plan on wearing the bracelet when (if? Ugh!) I start showing. Maybe just one person will notice, but that’s enough. Maybe people will ask about it and I can spread the word.
M is in Alaska for this week. I hate it when he’s gone.
Friday, October 16, 2009
2nd Appointment Details
OB appointment: This was a great, quick visit. I got in there and the little “cover up” blanket wasn’t on the chair, so I started going through all the cabinets. M told me to just go find a nurse and ask, but I know they have all the supplies in the room. I shuddered a little when I opened the drawer full of speculums, but then the huge stash of gowns was right there. Then M reminded me to hide my underwear.
The baby came right into view. I love seeing that heartbeat and the tiny arms moving around. Perfect. We got two pictures! When she measured the baby, we got 10 weeks, 1 day. I gasped a little and the doctor laughed at me – “No, look how the baby is stretched out!” You can see the difference in position in the two pictures.
So we’re looking good so far. She asked me if I’d be ok with waiting 4 weeks until my next appointment. I agreed, but only because I have the NT scan in the middle. That scan is on November 2 and my next OB appointment is November 12.
Wait, November 12? I must be out of my mind. On November 9, I will be 13 weeks. I lost my November baby sometime near the beginning of the 13th week. I’m happy to have the appointment close to that time so I can just KNOW, but then November 13th was my due date. So I again find myself with the possibility of some great heartache piled on top of some more heartache. I hope that’s not the case….
Ok, on to the CF genetic stuff. We spent over an hour with the people in that office. This group (headed by Dr. D) is developing screening tests for babies through the mother’s blood. Within the past 2 years, they have been able to separate out the baby’s DNA from the mother’s blood and screen for genetic disorders. This means no more invasive testing to confirm Down’s Syndrome or Trisomny 18 and 21 or Cystic Fibrosis. I’ve already decided I’m not going to get a CVS or amnio if M is a carrier for CF. There’s nothing we can do ahead of time and the 1 in 200 miscarriage risk is too much for me (even if the risk has been reduced to 1 in 1600 for an amnio and 1 in 400 for the CVS). I’m not ruling out the tests for other problems, just not for CF.
So, back to the doctor. They started off with all the forms. My main concern had been about them requiring one of those tests, but they don’t. M had to swab his cheeks for the quick screening. Then they took blood from both of us (or tried). M went first. She got about 4 drops out of him and he turned gray and soaked in sweat. She had missed his vein. The poor nurse felt so bad. He needed about 20 minutes to recover. They ended up getting 8 more cheek swabs from him. He might have to go back next week if they can’t get his full DNA from that. Then she took 8 vials from me. I didn’t even flinch. I made sure to rub this is in at every opportunity.
CF has about 1600 different mutations. The screening offered to pregnant women looks for 20-30 of these mutations (the most common ones). I have DeltaF508, the most common of the most common. The cheek swab will only look for those same mutations. If he has one of those, ok. They are also testing him for the remaining 1570 mutations. In return for getting this done for free, I am giving blood samples throughout my pregnancy (hopefully).
Dr. D and his wife had 2 miscarriages before their daughter was born and then another before their son. He was kind to us and is going to have us wait until I pass 14 weeks to give any more blood. He doesn’t want any extra stress on this baby (or me).
I really believe in what he’s doing. Imagine all those women who get a high percentage chance back from the NT scan and then have to decide in more tests that could harm the baby. Soon they’ll have the option to know earlier, and more specifically, if anything is wrong. I do see the flip side – perhaps parents will see the results of this test and decide to end the pregnancy, even if it is a treatable condition.
But the good outweighs the bad. So many parents are faced with finding out about chromosomal problems when it is too late and their options are limited, restricted, or downright scary. I know it doesn’t make the decision any easier, but no one should have to fight for their rights when in the middle of so much grief. That’s why this is important to me.
The baby came right into view. I love seeing that heartbeat and the tiny arms moving around. Perfect. We got two pictures! When she measured the baby, we got 10 weeks, 1 day. I gasped a little and the doctor laughed at me – “No, look how the baby is stretched out!” You can see the difference in position in the two pictures.
So we’re looking good so far. She asked me if I’d be ok with waiting 4 weeks until my next appointment. I agreed, but only because I have the NT scan in the middle. That scan is on November 2 and my next OB appointment is November 12.
Wait, November 12? I must be out of my mind. On November 9, I will be 13 weeks. I lost my November baby sometime near the beginning of the 13th week. I’m happy to have the appointment close to that time so I can just KNOW, but then November 13th was my due date. So I again find myself with the possibility of some great heartache piled on top of some more heartache. I hope that’s not the case….
Ok, on to the CF genetic stuff. We spent over an hour with the people in that office. This group (headed by Dr. D) is developing screening tests for babies through the mother’s blood. Within the past 2 years, they have been able to separate out the baby’s DNA from the mother’s blood and screen for genetic disorders. This means no more invasive testing to confirm Down’s Syndrome or Trisomny 18 and 21 or Cystic Fibrosis. I’ve already decided I’m not going to get a CVS or amnio if M is a carrier for CF. There’s nothing we can do ahead of time and the 1 in 200 miscarriage risk is too much for me (even if the risk has been reduced to 1 in 1600 for an amnio and 1 in 400 for the CVS). I’m not ruling out the tests for other problems, just not for CF.
So, back to the doctor. They started off with all the forms. My main concern had been about them requiring one of those tests, but they don’t. M had to swab his cheeks for the quick screening. Then they took blood from both of us (or tried). M went first. She got about 4 drops out of him and he turned gray and soaked in sweat. She had missed his vein. The poor nurse felt so bad. He needed about 20 minutes to recover. They ended up getting 8 more cheek swabs from him. He might have to go back next week if they can’t get his full DNA from that. Then she took 8 vials from me. I didn’t even flinch. I made sure to rub this is in at every opportunity.
CF has about 1600 different mutations. The screening offered to pregnant women looks for 20-30 of these mutations (the most common ones). I have DeltaF508, the most common of the most common. The cheek swab will only look for those same mutations. If he has one of those, ok. They are also testing him for the remaining 1570 mutations. In return for getting this done for free, I am giving blood samples throughout my pregnancy (hopefully).
Dr. D and his wife had 2 miscarriages before their daughter was born and then another before their son. He was kind to us and is going to have us wait until I pass 14 weeks to give any more blood. He doesn’t want any extra stress on this baby (or me).
I really believe in what he’s doing. Imagine all those women who get a high percentage chance back from the NT scan and then have to decide in more tests that could harm the baby. Soon they’ll have the option to know earlier, and more specifically, if anything is wrong. I do see the flip side – perhaps parents will see the results of this test and decide to end the pregnancy, even if it is a treatable condition.
But the good outweighs the bad. So many parents are faced with finding out about chromosomal problems when it is too late and their options are limited, restricted, or downright scary. I know it doesn’t make the decision any easier, but no one should have to fight for their rights when in the middle of so much grief. That’s why this is important to me.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
October 15th
Appointment update will be tomorrow. Today is for remembering.
My mom is coming to visit tonight. We're going to go out, spend quality time together, go to a card making class. We'll focus on the positive, because that's what we do. That's how we get through tough times.
So I won't be home to light a candle. But I'll have a light in my heart, the light that never goes out.
I miss you, my baby boy. I love you. So much.
.JPG)
My mom is coming to visit tonight. We're going to go out, spend quality time together, go to a card making class. We'll focus on the positive, because that's what we do. That's how we get through tough times.
So I won't be home to light a candle. But I'll have a light in my heart, the light that never goes out.
I miss you, my baby boy. I love you. So much.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Beautiful, take 2
We saw a great little baby today - arms and legs and a heartbeat!
I'm so much in love.
I'll post full details tomorrow about the doctor and the CF meeting.
Thanks for your prayers today!
I'm so much in love.
I'll post full details tomorrow about the doctor and the CF meeting.
Thanks for your prayers today!
Waiting, take 2
I have my second appointment today.
Reasons why I know everything will be ok:
1. The boobies are still hurting.
2. I have growing feelings in my uterus area. Not cramps, but little pressure-feeling pains near the surface.
3. My pants are slightly tighter.
4. I deserve it, dammit!
Reasons why I’m scared out of mind that everything is NOT ok:
1. The boobies aren’t throbbing with pain.
2. I have these pains that don’t really feel like cramps, but they could be.
3. I didn’t get up to pee last night.
4. I have that pretending feeling when I talk about symptoms.
5. This “baby thing” seems to not care about who deserves what.
I did all kinds of chores around the house last night so I won’t have to worry about it tonight. I will clean up my desk this afternoon and make sure I have notes that will get my projects through the next week. This is cumbersome, but it’s best to be prepared.
I like having my appointments in the afternoon. I specifically ask for one of the last appointments of the day. I must be insane. I will get nothing done today. 4:00 pm at the OB, 5:00 pm at the CF research office. It’s a busy night!
M’s boss asked him to switch work trip so M would be out of town on November 2. That is the day we’re going to the NT scan. I told M it’s time to pull the miscarriage card. He can’t be out of the country any time I have an appointment. That’s my rule.
Reasons why I know everything will be ok:
1. The boobies are still hurting.
2. I have growing feelings in my uterus area. Not cramps, but little pressure-feeling pains near the surface.
3. My pants are slightly tighter.
4. I deserve it, dammit!
Reasons why I’m scared out of mind that everything is NOT ok:
1. The boobies aren’t throbbing with pain.
2. I have these pains that don’t really feel like cramps, but they could be.
3. I didn’t get up to pee last night.
4. I have that pretending feeling when I talk about symptoms.
5. This “baby thing” seems to not care about who deserves what.
I did all kinds of chores around the house last night so I won’t have to worry about it tonight. I will clean up my desk this afternoon and make sure I have notes that will get my projects through the next week. This is cumbersome, but it’s best to be prepared.
I like having my appointments in the afternoon. I specifically ask for one of the last appointments of the day. I must be insane. I will get nothing done today. 4:00 pm at the OB, 5:00 pm at the CF research office. It’s a busy night!
M’s boss asked him to switch work trip so M would be out of town on November 2. That is the day we’re going to the NT scan. I told M it’s time to pull the miscarriage card. He can’t be out of the country any time I have an appointment. That’s my rule.
Monday, October 12, 2009
9 Weeks
I always thought the whole “smell” thing during pregnancy was a little crazy. I’ve never had that problem. My sense of smell isn’t any stronger than it was and I’m not yelling at people because they use scented shampoo. I’m a huge Office fan and I was amused when Pam puked all over the place in the last episode. But I still thought that was kind of a myth. And, yes, I cried like a fool during all the wedding stuff.
Anyway, I went to the grocery store on Sunday by myself. M usually goes with me and spends half the time standing in front of the meat section and frowning. He’s the cook in our marriage. I had a mission to get some chicken and see what else looked good (that’s a lot of pressure). I was having a grand old time until I pulled up in front of the meat. I got all dizzy and almost puked my guts up. Whew! Raw chicken is GROSS! I took a minute, then held my breath and grabbed one package. I bolted to the soda aisle where I could get myself together. Then I was giddy for the rest of the day.
We had a fun weekend – one of our college friends has an Oktoberfest party each year. He offered me wine several times and kept smiling and winking at me. “You don’t come back from Scotland without a baby!” I didn’t confirm, but I was hoping a few other friends were clueless enough to not realize what he was talking about. We told the couple we see every weekend, but they already knew. I’m such a wino. It’s obvious when I’m pregnant.
We also told M’s parents this weekend. His mom cried forever. Then she wouldn’t stop hugging me. My BIL even shed some tears (he’s Metro, so he’s allowed to cry). I did ask that we didn’t tell M’s grandparents yet. I’m not ready for that yet.
So here we are. Fully invested. Everyone knows. 55 hours until my next appointment.
Anyway, I went to the grocery store on Sunday by myself. M usually goes with me and spends half the time standing in front of the meat section and frowning. He’s the cook in our marriage. I had a mission to get some chicken and see what else looked good (that’s a lot of pressure). I was having a grand old time until I pulled up in front of the meat. I got all dizzy and almost puked my guts up. Whew! Raw chicken is GROSS! I took a minute, then held my breath and grabbed one package. I bolted to the soda aisle where I could get myself together. Then I was giddy for the rest of the day.
We had a fun weekend – one of our college friends has an Oktoberfest party each year. He offered me wine several times and kept smiling and winking at me. “You don’t come back from Scotland without a baby!” I didn’t confirm, but I was hoping a few other friends were clueless enough to not realize what he was talking about. We told the couple we see every weekend, but they already knew. I’m such a wino. It’s obvious when I’m pregnant.
We also told M’s parents this weekend. His mom cried forever. Then she wouldn’t stop hugging me. My BIL even shed some tears (he’s Metro, so he’s allowed to cry). I did ask that we didn’t tell M’s grandparents yet. I’m not ready for that yet.
So here we are. Fully invested. Everyone knows. 55 hours until my next appointment.
Friday, October 9, 2009
One Year Ago
I stopped birth control on October 10, 2008. It was a Friday and I was about to go to a girl’s weekend in Pennsylvania. I don’t need to describe how hopeful and starry-eyed I was then. I couldn’t think about anything else. I should have been thinking about my very low tolerance for alcohol. Then maybe I wouldn’t have had to stop on the side of the road several times on my drive home Sunday morning.
But back to the subject - I remember wishing that I would be pregnant within a year. I was afraid we’d have trouble. I knew my mom spent over a year trying to get pregnant (both times – she had a 13-week miscarriage before me). But the idea of miscarriage was barely on my radar. I never imagined I’d be this person right now.
Am I sad about the past year? Yes. Would I go back and warn myself or change anything? Probably not. Getting some warning about this would have made it worse. And what could I change? Maybe I would tell myself to start a little earlier so I could get this some of this bad stuff out of the way quicker.
What’s different about me now? I seem (to myself) to be a little softer, a little nicer. Not that I’m usually a very mean person, but I’m more likely to stop and think before I say something snarky. And that stop and think part has added some patience. Now I’ll stop and wonder if there’s a reason why someone does something – and now I’ll wonder if you have something sad going on behind the scenes.
My happiness is returning, slowly. I know that has a lot to do with the new Hope I have growing. I was in a very low spot right before my vacation and right before I found out about this pregnancy. Now I’ve been smiling spontaneously again and planning things with friends. It’s good to be back.
But back to the subject - I remember wishing that I would be pregnant within a year. I was afraid we’d have trouble. I knew my mom spent over a year trying to get pregnant (both times – she had a 13-week miscarriage before me). But the idea of miscarriage was barely on my radar. I never imagined I’d be this person right now.
Am I sad about the past year? Yes. Would I go back and warn myself or change anything? Probably not. Getting some warning about this would have made it worse. And what could I change? Maybe I would tell myself to start a little earlier so I could get this some of this bad stuff out of the way quicker.
What’s different about me now? I seem (to myself) to be a little softer, a little nicer. Not that I’m usually a very mean person, but I’m more likely to stop and think before I say something snarky. And that stop and think part has added some patience. Now I’ll stop and wonder if there’s a reason why someone does something – and now I’ll wonder if you have something sad going on behind the scenes.
My happiness is returning, slowly. I know that has a lot to do with the new Hope I have growing. I was in a very low spot right before my vacation and right before I found out about this pregnancy. Now I’ve been smiling spontaneously again and planning things with friends. It’s good to be back.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Carrier for CF
Update on the cold – I’m rethinking the SinuCleanse. My nose is almost completely cleared up… that was fast. I decided it must be because I was pouring saltwater in my brain.
All right, let’s talk about Cystic Fibrosis!
At my first appointment, the doctor threw out that I should get the screening for CF. I thought that was fine – I was already having a ton of blood drawn. She called me yesterday with the results. I am tested positive as a carrier.
This alone isn’t a huge deal. 1 in 25 white women are carriers. I’m surprised, though – no one in my family has the disease. I guess we’ve all been lucky! Now, M does have a family history – his grandmother’s sister’s daughter (we’ll call her a great-cousin) has CF and she is always in and out of the hospital. She’s been on the list for a lung transplant forever (I think she is not on the list anymore because of her age). So, it’s remote, but we have a reason to be afraid he’ll be a carrier also. If you remember high school biology – His grandmother is very likely to be a carrier, so M’s mom is 50% likely to be a carrier. If she is a carrier, then M is 50% likely to be a carrier. If we are both carriers, we have a 1 in 4 chance of having a baby with CF. That’s a lot of ifs.
I talked to a doctor at a nearby lab yesterday afternoon. His company is working to develop CF tests that will not require an Amniocentesis or a CVS. He asked me to be part of his study and I agreed. It is just a series of blood draws during my pregnancy and a test on the baby when s/he is born. I’m going to be part of that – I’m good at getting my blood drawn and it should help out moms in the future. He seemed almost giddy when he was talking to me. I guess he doesn’t get a lot of calls so early in the pregnancy and from someone so close. His office is about 2 miles from my house, so going there for the study isn’t a problem for me.
M will have his cheek swabbed at my next doctor’s appointment (the 14th). Immediately after the appointment, we are meeting with the CF doctor and I will have my first blood draw. We’ll know about M’s status about a week later.
I’m a little freaked out about the meeting, but mainly because I don’t like planning pregnancy dependant events after an appointment. That would be a very uncomfortable phone call at a very bad time.
I talked to M for a while last night. He is upset. He feels guilty for possibly giving this life-shortening disease to someone so small. I understand his feelings, but I don’t have them at all for this (yet). I think it’s because I’ve already sorted through feeling guilty about what my body can do to a baby. I’ve already hated myself for something much worse than CF and I’ve dealt with it. This isn’t something we’ve intentionally done to our kid and IF we have a CF baby, we’ll do everything humanly possible to give them a great chance to live a long life.
So we’ll add this to my list of hopes: Dear little baby in there, I hope you’re still happy and growing and feeling all this love I’ve got for you. I hope to see you on a sunny day in May and you come out with great, strong lungs then go on to live a happy, healthy life surrounded with love and laughter.
All right, let’s talk about Cystic Fibrosis!
At my first appointment, the doctor threw out that I should get the screening for CF. I thought that was fine – I was already having a ton of blood drawn. She called me yesterday with the results. I am tested positive as a carrier.
This alone isn’t a huge deal. 1 in 25 white women are carriers. I’m surprised, though – no one in my family has the disease. I guess we’ve all been lucky! Now, M does have a family history – his grandmother’s sister’s daughter (we’ll call her a great-cousin) has CF and she is always in and out of the hospital. She’s been on the list for a lung transplant forever (I think she is not on the list anymore because of her age). So, it’s remote, but we have a reason to be afraid he’ll be a carrier also. If you remember high school biology – His grandmother is very likely to be a carrier, so M’s mom is 50% likely to be a carrier. If she is a carrier, then M is 50% likely to be a carrier. If we are both carriers, we have a 1 in 4 chance of having a baby with CF. That’s a lot of ifs.
I talked to a doctor at a nearby lab yesterday afternoon. His company is working to develop CF tests that will not require an Amniocentesis or a CVS. He asked me to be part of his study and I agreed. It is just a series of blood draws during my pregnancy and a test on the baby when s/he is born. I’m going to be part of that – I’m good at getting my blood drawn and it should help out moms in the future. He seemed almost giddy when he was talking to me. I guess he doesn’t get a lot of calls so early in the pregnancy and from someone so close. His office is about 2 miles from my house, so going there for the study isn’t a problem for me.
M will have his cheek swabbed at my next doctor’s appointment (the 14th). Immediately after the appointment, we are meeting with the CF doctor and I will have my first blood draw. We’ll know about M’s status about a week later.
I’m a little freaked out about the meeting, but mainly because I don’t like planning pregnancy dependant events after an appointment. That would be a very uncomfortable phone call at a very bad time.
I talked to M for a while last night. He is upset. He feels guilty for possibly giving this life-shortening disease to someone so small. I understand his feelings, but I don’t have them at all for this (yet). I think it’s because I’ve already sorted through feeling guilty about what my body can do to a baby. I’ve already hated myself for something much worse than CF and I’ve dealt with it. This isn’t something we’ve intentionally done to our kid and IF we have a CF baby, we’ll do everything humanly possible to give them a great chance to live a long life.
So we’ll add this to my list of hopes: Dear little baby in there, I hope you’re still happy and growing and feeling all this love I’ve got for you. I hope to see you on a sunny day in May and you come out with great, strong lungs then go on to live a happy, healthy life surrounded with love and laughter.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Still snotty!
I’m still sitting here all snotty, so I’ll understand if you don’t want to hang out with me. I don't want you to get sick.
I tried the SinuCleanse last night (thanks for the idea, good enough!). I can’t say that it helped out with my cold, but it had me laughing! I laughed when I saw the little teapot thing, I laughed when I watched the video, I laughed when I stuck the end up my nose. Then I started shaking with giggles and snorted the salt water up into my brain. I tried it twice and I might try it again tonight, just for the humor. If anything, I recommend you go watch the video and wonder why they only show still photos.
I researched all kinds of other medicines and all of them listed scary side effects (Club foot? Hip dislocation? Hernias?). Then everything says, "Use only if the benefits outweigh the risks." Talk about a guilt trip! I'm so sorry you have a cleft palate, my dear child, but mommy had a runny nose!
I won't complain about this anymore. I kept telling M last night that I was uncomfortable, but the end result is well worth my suffering. I'd feel like this for the next 32 weeks if I had to.
I tried the SinuCleanse last night (thanks for the idea, good enough!). I can’t say that it helped out with my cold, but it had me laughing! I laughed when I saw the little teapot thing, I laughed when I watched the video, I laughed when I stuck the end up my nose. Then I started shaking with giggles and snorted the salt water up into my brain. I tried it twice and I might try it again tonight, just for the humor. If anything, I recommend you go watch the video and wonder why they only show still photos.
I researched all kinds of other medicines and all of them listed scary side effects (Club foot? Hip dislocation? Hernias?). Then everything says, "Use only if the benefits outweigh the risks." Talk about a guilt trip! I'm so sorry you have a cleft palate, my dear child, but mommy had a runny nose!
I won't complain about this anymore. I kept telling M last night that I was uncomfortable, but the end result is well worth my suffering. I'd feel like this for the next 32 weeks if I had to.
Monday, October 5, 2009
8 Weeks
I made it to 8 weeks and all I got was this lousy cold.
Let’s see what happened in the last few days, shall we?
I’ve been falling asleep on the couch around 8 pm. I can avoid it by going for a nice long walk after work, but I’m usually too tired to do that.
I researched dental x-rays and pregnancy. For the first time ever, Dr. Google didn’t tell me my baby and I would both be scarred for life. I found this gem (on Yahoo answers): “X-rays for dental cannot hurt your fetus unless you are some kind of marsupial freak that carries your young in your cheeks.” One lady exclaimed that the asker should rush to the doctor immediately before you burn in a fiery hell, but she was the minority. So I’m done worrying about that.
I told my parents this weekend. Of course they were happy and my mom cried. When I told them this one would work out because it was an accident, my dad breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Ain’t that the truth!” For reference: my oldest brother was born a few days after my dad graduated from high school.
My mom refused to listen to my rules of not talking about the future of this pregnancy. She said that she understands my concern (because she’s been through this, too), but she is going to be positive.
I ended up telling a bunch of other people as well. My mom is a nurse and had a party on Sunday with lots of other nurses. One of them is an educator for OB nurses and I wanted her advice on the H1N1 vaccine (I’ll be getting it). Since I told some of the nurses, I had to tell others. Then my brother showed up, and I told him, too. Now it seems like everyone knows and I’m ok with that. Every person said they would keep me in their prayers. That is exactly what I need.
I do have a knock-down snotty type of cold right now and I’m cranky because I can’t take my lovely Advil Cold and Sinus. I slept in this morning, but I still feel icky. But I’d rather be sick now than be able to take the medicines. Does anyone have any old-school remedies?
Let’s see what happened in the last few days, shall we?
I’ve been falling asleep on the couch around 8 pm. I can avoid it by going for a nice long walk after work, but I’m usually too tired to do that.
I researched dental x-rays and pregnancy. For the first time ever, Dr. Google didn’t tell me my baby and I would both be scarred for life. I found this gem (on Yahoo answers): “X-rays for dental cannot hurt your fetus unless you are some kind of marsupial freak that carries your young in your cheeks.” One lady exclaimed that the asker should rush to the doctor immediately before you burn in a fiery hell, but she was the minority. So I’m done worrying about that.
I told my parents this weekend. Of course they were happy and my mom cried. When I told them this one would work out because it was an accident, my dad breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Ain’t that the truth!” For reference: my oldest brother was born a few days after my dad graduated from high school.
My mom refused to listen to my rules of not talking about the future of this pregnancy. She said that she understands my concern (because she’s been through this, too), but she is going to be positive.
I ended up telling a bunch of other people as well. My mom is a nurse and had a party on Sunday with lots of other nurses. One of them is an educator for OB nurses and I wanted her advice on the H1N1 vaccine (I’ll be getting it). Since I told some of the nurses, I had to tell others. Then my brother showed up, and I told him, too. Now it seems like everyone knows and I’m ok with that. Every person said they would keep me in their prayers. That is exactly what I need.
I do have a knock-down snotty type of cold right now and I’m cranky because I can’t take my lovely Advil Cold and Sinus. I slept in this morning, but I still feel icky. But I’d rather be sick now than be able to take the medicines. Does anyone have any old-school remedies?
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Appointment details
Here are all the details from my appointment yesterday. These are not very exciting, it’s mainly for my own reference.
We arrived at the office and my wait wasn’t that bad (surprising for a late afternoon appointment). I had to fill out a few forms that I’ve filled out a few times already. I was shaking the whole time. We moved into the room and M laughed at the way I hide my underwear (everyone does that!). The doctor did all the normal stuff and talked to me a little. She is so nice and I like her much better than the doctor I had last time. She made sure I was taking baby aspirin and then decided I should get a Cystic Fibrosis test, too. What’s one more blood test? I’m good at those!
Then on to the ultrasound! The office has old machines were made in the 1700s. They are loud and fuzzy and old. They can’t even measure this early. I don’t care about that – I get to see my baby! She got the camera up there and I could see a dark blob that was bigger than my last first appointment (last time we saw the baby at 6 weeks, 3 days). I saw the yolk sac first and that scared me, but a few seconds later, the little flickering heartbeat was clear. M leaned in to see and I couldn’t stop crying. The doctor was talking to me, but I have no idea what she said. I couldn’t get a word out until she said, “It’s just one!” and then I almost shouted, “GOOD!” She pronounced that everything looked great and left us alone to get dressed (well, I was the only one who had to get dressed). M and I just sat there and hugged for a few minutes while I finished crying. He even had a few tears. I can’t believe the relief. I never let myself think about what could be there until now. What a beautiful feeling.
We went in to have a chat with the doctor and she gave me the usual rundown. We’re going to schedule the NT scan again. Then I took all my courage and said, “I’m going to be very nervous for the next few weeks.” And she said immediately, “We’ll have you come in every two weeks. There’s nothing we can do this early, but we’ll still watch you closely.” I could have kissed her. She told me to pick up another vitamin (DHA in a pill called Expeta) and add that to the daily regimen.
I got all my blood tests and I’ll be going in again on October 14th. This gives a whole new meaning to the two week wait!
Thank you for all your good wishes and congratulations!
We arrived at the office and my wait wasn’t that bad (surprising for a late afternoon appointment). I had to fill out a few forms that I’ve filled out a few times already. I was shaking the whole time. We moved into the room and M laughed at the way I hide my underwear (everyone does that!). The doctor did all the normal stuff and talked to me a little. She is so nice and I like her much better than the doctor I had last time. She made sure I was taking baby aspirin and then decided I should get a Cystic Fibrosis test, too. What’s one more blood test? I’m good at those!
Then on to the ultrasound! The office has old machines were made in the 1700s. They are loud and fuzzy and old. They can’t even measure this early. I don’t care about that – I get to see my baby! She got the camera up there and I could see a dark blob that was bigger than my last first appointment (last time we saw the baby at 6 weeks, 3 days). I saw the yolk sac first and that scared me, but a few seconds later, the little flickering heartbeat was clear. M leaned in to see and I couldn’t stop crying. The doctor was talking to me, but I have no idea what she said. I couldn’t get a word out until she said, “It’s just one!” and then I almost shouted, “GOOD!” She pronounced that everything looked great and left us alone to get dressed (well, I was the only one who had to get dressed). M and I just sat there and hugged for a few minutes while I finished crying. He even had a few tears. I can’t believe the relief. I never let myself think about what could be there until now. What a beautiful feeling.
We went in to have a chat with the doctor and she gave me the usual rundown. We’re going to schedule the NT scan again. Then I took all my courage and said, “I’m going to be very nervous for the next few weeks.” And she said immediately, “We’ll have you come in every two weeks. There’s nothing we can do this early, but we’ll still watch you closely.” I could have kissed her. She told me to pick up another vitamin (DHA in a pill called Expeta) and add that to the daily regimen.
I got all my blood tests and I’ll be going in again on October 14th. This gives a whole new meaning to the two week wait!
Thank you for all your good wishes and congratulations!
Here's my picture - my scanner isn't working (as usual), so you get a pdf scan.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Beautiful
The news is good - We saw a perfect little blob with a yolk sak and a little flickering heartbeat. I was shaking so bad and couldn't see the heartbeat for a few seconds, but then there it was and all the stress and tension and fear from the past few weeks came out as huge sobs.
I'll post all the details tomorrow. Hopefully I'll find a way to get the picture scanned.
Thanks for the love today.
I'll post all the details tomorrow. Hopefully I'll find a way to get the picture scanned.
Thanks for the love today.
Waiting
I don't have much to say this morning. All I can think is "Please, please, please!" and "Oh, God, how am I going to get through this?" followed by a ton of what-ifs.
Please think of me at 4pm Eastern time. The one thing I've learned through all this is knowing that someone is sending you little thoughts and prayers really does make a difference.
On that note, send some big thoughts and prayers to Erica. She's going in for her C-section any minute now and baby Sam is going to need some love!
Please think of me at 4pm Eastern time. The one thing I've learned through all this is knowing that someone is sending you little thoughts and prayers really does make a difference.
On that note, send some big thoughts and prayers to Erica. She's going in for her C-section any minute now and baby Sam is going to need some love!
Monday, September 28, 2009
7 weeks
Part of me will feel relief if we don’t see a heartbeat on Tuesday. This is a very small, scary part of me. But it’s there and I need to talk about it. It’s not because I don’t want this baby. It’s because if I lose it now, I won’t lose it at 14 weeks. I won’t lose it after I fall hopelessly in love with the little blinking blob. I’m trying not to think about it, but things like this pop in my head in the middle of the night. I’ve be weighing another D&C vs. drugs. I’ve been trying to get stuff done at work in case I’m out for the rest of the week.
But… oh man, if something is there. I’m crying just thinking about the possibility. I can’t even think about that. I don’t even want to let myself hope that much.
Today I'm 7 weeks. I feel like crap, which is a great thing. Less than 32 hours until the appointment.
But… oh man, if something is there. I’m crying just thinking about the possibility. I can’t even think about that. I don’t even want to let myself hope that much.
Today I'm 7 weeks. I feel like crap, which is a great thing. Less than 32 hours until the appointment.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Update on my craziness
I’m feeling better. I’m not convinced that everything is great, but I’m not throwing away the prenatal vitamins, either. I had a little boob pain in the afternoon and that helped me calm down. I’m not going to call the doctor. I just want to fast forward to Tuesday afternoon.
I think I feel better because of the support here. Thank you! I’ve said it before, but I am so thankful for this community. Thank you!
I think I feel better because of the support here. Thank you! I’ve said it before, but I am so thankful for this community. Thank you!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Afraid
My symptoms have disappeared. My chest feels perfect - no pain at all, not even when I twist and squeeze or do anything. The slight nausea before breakfast has been replaced with just plain hunger. But the biggest thing that scares me is the little voice that came out of nowhere last night and told me that it was over.
Any of these things, taken separately, is nothing to worry about. But all three at once is bad news for me. This is exactly what happened to me the first time. That was on a Tuesday and I was bleeding Saturday night. I don’t know what to say to my husband. My body is telling me there’s no hope. Even my normal optimist has left me alone.
I do not have cramps and I do not have any bleeding. Technically, I have nothing to worry about. I don’t want to cause a scene, I’m just saying what is the reality for me right now.
I don’t know what to say now. I’m not trying to get reassurance or pity from comments. Just keep me in your thoughts.
Any of these things, taken separately, is nothing to worry about. But all three at once is bad news for me. This is exactly what happened to me the first time. That was on a Tuesday and I was bleeding Saturday night. I don’t know what to say to my husband. My body is telling me there’s no hope. Even my normal optimist has left me alone.
I do not have cramps and I do not have any bleeding. Technically, I have nothing to worry about. I don’t want to cause a scene, I’m just saying what is the reality for me right now.
I don’t know what to say now. I’m not trying to get reassurance or pity from comments. Just keep me in your thoughts.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
On birth boards...
I joined a huge pregnancy/baby website last November and I loved it immediately. I loved how many people were also TTC at the same time as me and how often they would talk about what I was thinking.
Then I joined (and left) the September 2009 birth club. Then I joined (and left) the November 2009 birth club. I was hesitant to join the May 2010, but I did it anyway. And wow, they are always the same.
I think I commented on one post of the huge birth club, but I mainly try to stay away. I’m so far removed from the typical early pregnancy chatter. The threads talking about names and c-sections are not anything I can think about now.
Sometimes I’ll see a post “Is this normal?” and the girl will be asking about some pain or some symptom going away. I want to say that it happened to me and at my next ultrasound everything was fine. But, given my history, would you want to hear that? That would probably make me more nervous. So I don’t say anything. I’m a lurker now. Not even a lurker, I just read the titles of the posts and roll my eyes and leave. Maybe that will change if I reach uncharted pregnancy territory.
I’m not totally avoiding the boards, of course. I’m also a member of a board for girls (and one guy, actually) who lost their November babies. The group is a huge comfort and supportive. I do like it there. It’s one of the few places (like this blog) where I feel safe talking about all these crazy feelings.
What are your experiences with birth boards?
Then I joined (and left) the September 2009 birth club. Then I joined (and left) the November 2009 birth club. I was hesitant to join the May 2010, but I did it anyway. And wow, they are always the same.
I think I commented on one post of the huge birth club, but I mainly try to stay away. I’m so far removed from the typical early pregnancy chatter. The threads talking about names and c-sections are not anything I can think about now.
Sometimes I’ll see a post “Is this normal?” and the girl will be asking about some pain or some symptom going away. I want to say that it happened to me and at my next ultrasound everything was fine. But, given my history, would you want to hear that? That would probably make me more nervous. So I don’t say anything. I’m a lurker now. Not even a lurker, I just read the titles of the posts and roll my eyes and leave. Maybe that will change if I reach uncharted pregnancy territory.
I’m not totally avoiding the boards, of course. I’m also a member of a board for girls (and one guy, actually) who lost their November babies. The group is a huge comfort and supportive. I do like it there. It’s one of the few places (like this blog) where I feel safe talking about all these crazy feelings.
What are your experiences with birth boards?
Monday, September 21, 2009
6 weeks
I realized over the weekend that my due date (May 17th) is one day before the one-year anniversary of the no-heartbeat appointment. It is possible that I could have the happiest day of my life right around the time of the worst day of my life.
Of course, this also means I could have a really shitty day right before I celebrate the anniversary of another shitty day.
As for now, everything seems to be going well. My boobs are finally starting to get sore and I even felt a little nauseous this morning! I’m 6 weeks today and my first appointment is in 8 days.
Of course, this also means I could have a really shitty day right before I celebrate the anniversary of another shitty day.
As for now, everything seems to be going well. My boobs are finally starting to get sore and I even felt a little nauseous this morning! I’m 6 weeks today and my first appointment is in 8 days.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Vacation Pictures
Here's a little blurb about our vacation. I got a little distracted and forgot to tell you guys anything!
We had an amazing time. It really was a once in a lifetime trip. We spent two days in Edinburgh, then rented a car and drove through the highlands with a stop at Loch Ness and then down the coast and back over to Edinburgh. I got the itenerary from Secret Scotland. We didn't follow it exactly but we did use a lot of their advice and there's no way I could have done that all on my own.
I have about 800 pictures. I'm pretty sure you're not interested in all of them. Here is a sample:
The Queen's home in Scotland, Holyrood House
Inside of Edinburgh Castle.
I really liked the cows there.
Kildrummy Castle
Cawdor Castle (someone actually lives here)
Urquhart Castle, on the Shores of Loch Ness
Linlithgow Palace, from the inside courtyard. Easily one of the best we saw. We could have spent all day here exploring different rooms. Amazing.
The castle hotel where we spent our last night.
Tests and Telling
I am going to get blood drawn this afternoon to check my thyroid. The doctor’s office called back to say that the lab never ran that test. The nurse told me I could just wait until my appointment (1 week and 5 days from now!) to get the test and that would be fine. I agreed and hung up. Then I remembered that I had just left a comment somewhere telling someone to stick up for herself – this is your baby we’re talking about! So I took my own advice and called them back yesterday morning. I expected to have to beg, but she said that was fine and I’ll be going in today at 1 pm. She did make it clear that I just wanted the blood draw – not an actual appointment.
M might be in Hawaii longer than anticipated. His coworker had to come home early because his girlfriend is in the hospital with a blood clot in her brain. I can’t imagine his flight home – that so much time out of contact with her. We did get news that she is doing well now. I’m sure having him back has helped calm her down! So, M and the other guys will stay at least an extra day to get the work done. That’s disappointing for me, but I’d rather he stay one day than the other guy to have to go back.
Now, on to my next dilemma! I talked to my Mom last night and I struggled with the conversation. We talked about my trip, but I had to kind of skirt around M not coming home until Sunday night. I CAN NOT lie to my Mom. This includes lies of omission. Example: My brothers and I got together one weekend to get a family portrait done as an anniversary present for our parents. For the weeks leading up to the picture, I could only talk to her in short bursts. She wanted me to meet her for shopping on the day we were getting the picture done and I stumbled over trying to tell her that we might go to dinner with a friend. Like I’d dis my Mom for dinner with people I see every week! Right, so last night she brought up M being on the trip. Normally, when he is away over a weekend, I go right up to their house and enjoy just sitting around with them. I LOVE that. Also, on September 26, her friends are having their wine harvest (it’s a small vineyard and it takes about a half day to pick the grapes and crush them -very fun). My problem is that (1) I’m a huge wino. She’ll know the second I say I’m “too tired” to drink. Right. (2) I’ll tell her my secret the second I see her. I’ll be shifting my weight and get goose bumps and spill. (3) Even if I could fake it for one day, I’ll be up there over night. I can’t last that long.
I want to tell her. She had a miscarriage before me (at 13 weeks) after trying for over a year and then had to try for another year before she got pregnant again. She is wonderful. I hate keeping this from her. But telling my parents that our little boy didn’t have a heartbeat was the hardest thing I have ever done. That was harder than dealing with it myself. My dad cried. I can’t do that again. I’m crying right now just thinking about that. I know I’ll be risking it if I do see a heartbeat, but I need to see it myself (and have a little hope myself) before I risk hurting them again.
Other than that, all is normal.
M might be in Hawaii longer than anticipated. His coworker had to come home early because his girlfriend is in the hospital with a blood clot in her brain. I can’t imagine his flight home – that so much time out of contact with her. We did get news that she is doing well now. I’m sure having him back has helped calm her down! So, M and the other guys will stay at least an extra day to get the work done. That’s disappointing for me, but I’d rather he stay one day than the other guy to have to go back.
Now, on to my next dilemma! I talked to my Mom last night and I struggled with the conversation. We talked about my trip, but I had to kind of skirt around M not coming home until Sunday night. I CAN NOT lie to my Mom. This includes lies of omission. Example: My brothers and I got together one weekend to get a family portrait done as an anniversary present for our parents. For the weeks leading up to the picture, I could only talk to her in short bursts. She wanted me to meet her for shopping on the day we were getting the picture done and I stumbled over trying to tell her that we might go to dinner with a friend. Like I’d dis my Mom for dinner with people I see every week! Right, so last night she brought up M being on the trip. Normally, when he is away over a weekend, I go right up to their house and enjoy just sitting around with them. I LOVE that. Also, on September 26, her friends are having their wine harvest (it’s a small vineyard and it takes about a half day to pick the grapes and crush them -very fun). My problem is that (1) I’m a huge wino. She’ll know the second I say I’m “too tired” to drink. Right. (2) I’ll tell her my secret the second I see her. I’ll be shifting my weight and get goose bumps and spill. (3) Even if I could fake it for one day, I’ll be up there over night. I can’t last that long.
I want to tell her. She had a miscarriage before me (at 13 weeks) after trying for over a year and then had to try for another year before she got pregnant again. She is wonderful. I hate keeping this from her. But telling my parents that our little boy didn’t have a heartbeat was the hardest thing I have ever done. That was harder than dealing with it myself. My dad cried. I can’t do that again. I’m crying right now just thinking about that. I know I’ll be risking it if I do see a heartbeat, but I need to see it myself (and have a little hope myself) before I risk hurting them again.
Other than that, all is normal.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Maybe hairdressers do know everything...
I made my first appointment: September 29 at 4 pm. If the stars line up correctly, I could be 7 weeks at that point, so we could see a definite heartbeat. I still don't "feel"pregnant at all and I wonder if I'm making everything up. I took another test this morning and it was the darkest I've ever seen (one of the internet cheapies).
I’ve told two friends, but I need their support. And they understand why I’m so scared and they didn’t call me crazy when I told them I couldn’t talk about the future of this pregnancy. If we see a heartbeat, I don’t care who knows. I waited until the end of the first trimester last time and that didn’t save me from any heartache. I’m not going to make grand announcements, but I’m not going to pretend to drink either.
I got my hair cut yesterday. That’s a big event for me – I hate the feeling of that cape wrapped around my neck. I feel like I’m going to die for the entire 20 minutes. Anyway, the lady told me that my hair is thinning on top. This isn’t a surprise to me, I’m a ponytail every day girl and my grandmother used to tell me that I would be bald like my dad if I didn’t stop. Several stylists have told me to stop pulling my hair back. This woman told me that’s all crap and I should have my thyroid checked. She asked if I had any recent hormone changes (check) and I spilled the beans about this pregnancy. When I had my million blood tests, one of them was for my thyroid. The last time I talked to my doctor, she said those results hadn’t come back yet. So I called this morning and left a message asking about the results. Hopefully she’ll call me back soon.
I know you have a picture of me in your head now with a comb-over. It’s not that noticeable! Stop staring at me!
I’ve told two friends, but I need their support. And they understand why I’m so scared and they didn’t call me crazy when I told them I couldn’t talk about the future of this pregnancy. If we see a heartbeat, I don’t care who knows. I waited until the end of the first trimester last time and that didn’t save me from any heartache. I’m not going to make grand announcements, but I’m not going to pretend to drink either.
I got my hair cut yesterday. That’s a big event for me – I hate the feeling of that cape wrapped around my neck. I feel like I’m going to die for the entire 20 minutes. Anyway, the lady told me that my hair is thinning on top. This isn’t a surprise to me, I’m a ponytail every day girl and my grandmother used to tell me that I would be bald like my dad if I didn’t stop. Several stylists have told me to stop pulling my hair back. This woman told me that’s all crap and I should have my thyroid checked. She asked if I had any recent hormone changes (check) and I spilled the beans about this pregnancy. When I had my million blood tests, one of them was for my thyroid. The last time I talked to my doctor, she said those results hadn’t come back yet. So I called this morning and left a message asking about the results. Hopefully she’ll call me back soon.
I know you have a picture of me in your head now with a comb-over. It’s not that noticeable! Stop staring at me!
Monday, September 14, 2009
An Accidental Surprise
Well, where to start? I’ve been trying to catch up on my Google Reader these past few days. You guys have been busy.
I do have a ton of pictures and a ton of things to say about my awesome trip, but that’s going to have to wait.
Of course I have guilty feelings about publishing this. I’m so sorry if reading this brings you any kind of pain. I’ve cried at the news that people are pregnant and I’ve cheered at the news. I hope you will cheer for me, but I understand the tears and I do wish you all the best.
I guess I’ll go right into it. We left for our trip to Scotland on Wednesday. I expected AF on Saturday, Sept 5. I had packed a ton of “supplies” because I didn’t want to have to find a store and use unfamiliar stuff. I’m very brand loyal and I don’t like the unexpected. On Saturday, nothing happened. That was fine, I decided with the time change and stress of travelling, I could be a little late.
On Sunday I was in denial. We stayed at a place that had pink toilet paper, so that tricked me.
On Monday I realized that something must be up with me. I told M that we needed to stop by a pharmacy. We were in Inverness (that is the city next to Loch Ness) that night and that’s enough of a city to have actual stores. I bought a 2 pack of Boots brand (think Rite-Aid) tests. I was still in denial. There’s no way. We didn’t touch each other at all during that open window, just like we had decided.
This is what I saw on Tuesday morning. Holy crap. These tests always confuse me, so the positive line is the vertical line in the square window. The control lines are the vertical line in the circle window and the faint horizontal line in the square window. I went to two different pharmacies to find the prenatal vitamins, folic acid and baby aspirin. I calmed down once I had everything.
Thursday was my first due date, we talked about it a little, but we were crazy busy and we were overwhelmed with this news. I highly recommend going somewhere on your due date. My mind was so full with the sightseeing that I couldn’t dwell on what we’d lost.
I thought I would be scared out of my mind. But, no… I would describe myself as completely numb. I refuse to think about the future. It’s not as hard as you would think. When my mind starts wondering, “how far along will I be…” I stop on specifically think about something else. It’s working great so far. I am taking this one pee break at a time.
I’m not even going to start with the fears I have about starting vitamins and folic acid late, going to the dentist, taking allergy medicines, and downing the whiskey!
The main reason I was in denial is the complete lack of symptoms. The last two times, I knew I was pregnant before the tests. My chest was aching at about 3.5 weeks. They are barely starting to hurt now, and it is just little twinges every few hours. I tell M each time I feel some pain and he looks reassured. Other than that, we don’t talk about it at all. I will now go back to not thinking about it. I’m going to call the doctor today at lunch and get my first appointment.
M left for Hawaii this morning. I’m 5 weeks today. I will pass my first milestone of 5 weeks and 3 days on Thursday. He comes home on Saturday. Due date is May 17th. Try not to think about it!!!
I do have a ton of pictures and a ton of things to say about my awesome trip, but that’s going to have to wait.
Of course I have guilty feelings about publishing this. I’m so sorry if reading this brings you any kind of pain. I’ve cried at the news that people are pregnant and I’ve cheered at the news. I hope you will cheer for me, but I understand the tears and I do wish you all the best.
I guess I’ll go right into it. We left for our trip to Scotland on Wednesday. I expected AF on Saturday, Sept 5. I had packed a ton of “supplies” because I didn’t want to have to find a store and use unfamiliar stuff. I’m very brand loyal and I don’t like the unexpected. On Saturday, nothing happened. That was fine, I decided with the time change and stress of travelling, I could be a little late.
On Sunday I was in denial. We stayed at a place that had pink toilet paper, so that tricked me.
On Monday I realized that something must be up with me. I told M that we needed to stop by a pharmacy. We were in Inverness (that is the city next to Loch Ness) that night and that’s enough of a city to have actual stores. I bought a 2 pack of Boots brand (think Rite-Aid) tests. I was still in denial. There’s no way. We didn’t touch each other at all during that open window, just like we had decided.
This is what I saw on Tuesday morning. Holy crap. These tests always confuse me, so the positive line is the vertical line in the square window. The control lines are the vertical line in the circle window and the faint horizontal line in the square window. I went to two different pharmacies to find the prenatal vitamins, folic acid and baby aspirin. I calmed down once I had everything.
Thursday was my first due date, we talked about it a little, but we were crazy busy and we were overwhelmed with this news. I highly recommend going somewhere on your due date. My mind was so full with the sightseeing that I couldn’t dwell on what we’d lost.
I thought I would be scared out of my mind. But, no… I would describe myself as completely numb. I refuse to think about the future. It’s not as hard as you would think. When my mind starts wondering, “how far along will I be…” I stop on specifically think about something else. It’s working great so far. I am taking this one pee break at a time.
I’m not even going to start with the fears I have about starting vitamins and folic acid late, going to the dentist, taking allergy medicines, and downing the whiskey!
The main reason I was in denial is the complete lack of symptoms. The last two times, I knew I was pregnant before the tests. My chest was aching at about 3.5 weeks. They are barely starting to hurt now, and it is just little twinges every few hours. I tell M each time I feel some pain and he looks reassured. Other than that, we don’t talk about it at all. I will now go back to not thinking about it. I’m going to call the doctor today at lunch and get my first appointment.
M left for Hawaii this morning. I’m 5 weeks today. I will pass my first milestone of 5 weeks and 3 days on Thursday. He comes home on Saturday. Due date is May 17th. Try not to think about it!!!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
On Holiday!*
I’m leaving for my consolation prize trip tomorrow. I am both excited and nervous. The only thing I am really afraid of is the driving a stick shift on the wrong side thing. So I might take a round-about in the wrong direction. Or maybe somebody will rear-end me when I stall out. In either case, my driving troubles are mostly when I’m trying to get moving, so the accidents will all be low-speed. Hooray!
My first due date, September 10th, will come and go while we are driving from Oban to Inveraray (Two towns I had never heard of before this trip). I’m sure I’ll feel a little melancholy, and I’ll probably cry a little, but I’ll be fine overall. I think I have come to terms with that loss. After all, I only knew about that pregnancy for 11 days, and I never really had a good feeling about it. I knew it wasn’t going to work out after a week. I know that pregnancy wasn’t successful because something was very wrong. I have a cause (a vague cause, but obviously, that egg and that sperm were not going to make a person). I can talk about that pregnancy and not cry.
So, pregnancy #1, I miss you and I’m sorry you are not still with me. But I understand why you aren’t here. I’d still rather be in labor and screaming in the hospital instead of being out on this trip.
* I was going to call this "ON VACATION, BITCHES!" but then I didn't. I'll be back on September 12th. I'm not fancy enough to update while I'm away. I'll still be thinking of each of you every day. I hope to return to news of a great first ultrasound, a BFP, a happy post about how you are sent home from the hospital because your twins are doing so amazing, and other great news.
My first due date, September 10th, will come and go while we are driving from Oban to Inveraray (Two towns I had never heard of before this trip). I’m sure I’ll feel a little melancholy, and I’ll probably cry a little, but I’ll be fine overall. I think I have come to terms with that loss. After all, I only knew about that pregnancy for 11 days, and I never really had a good feeling about it. I knew it wasn’t going to work out after a week. I know that pregnancy wasn’t successful because something was very wrong. I have a cause (a vague cause, but obviously, that egg and that sperm were not going to make a person). I can talk about that pregnancy and not cry.
So, pregnancy #1, I miss you and I’m sorry you are not still with me. But I understand why you aren’t here. I’d still rather be in labor and screaming in the hospital instead of being out on this trip.
* I was going to call this "ON VACATION, BITCHES!" but then I didn't. I'll be back on September 12th. I'm not fancy enough to update while I'm away. I'll still be thinking of each of you every day. I hope to return to news of a great first ultrasound, a BFP, a happy post about how you are sent home from the hospital because your twins are doing so amazing, and other great news.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Maybe you could share it with me
Today I am urging all you beautiful infertile or sad mommas to go out and buy a Mega Millions ticket. We all beat some great odds before, so at least one of us should be able to win something, right?
My baby died somewhere between 12 weeks 3 days and 14 weeks 3 days. We’ll go with my chance of miscarriage for that pregnancy being 5%* (I’ll ignore the fact that it was my second miscarriage). Odds of winning any prize in the Mega Millions drawing: 1 in 40 (that’s 2.5%)!
Do you see what I’m saying here? We have all been on that small side of statistics before – we should take advantage of it. Go get ‘em!
*Please avoid reading this data. I'm only linking this so I can remember the source. Going further into the stuff on this chart is downright depressing.
My baby died somewhere between 12 weeks 3 days and 14 weeks 3 days. We’ll go with my chance of miscarriage for that pregnancy being 5%* (I’ll ignore the fact that it was my second miscarriage). Odds of winning any prize in the Mega Millions drawing: 1 in 40 (that’s 2.5%)!
Do you see what I’m saying here? We have all been on that small side of statistics before – we should take advantage of it. Go get ‘em!
*Please avoid reading this data. I'm only linking this so I can remember the source. Going further into the stuff on this chart is downright depressing.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
14 weeks post-pregnancy
Today is a milestone of sorts. It has been 14 weeks and 3 days since the day I found out my baby didn’t have a heartbeat. I was 14 weeks and 3 days pregnant… and then I wasn’t anymore.
I used to say to myself that you had ½ the time you were dating a guy after a breakup to get over him. So, in my mind, I should be over this (twice). I should be moving on.
This past weekend I was able to be happy and do all sorts of things I wouldn’t be able to do if I was still pregnant. I wouldn’t have been able to go tubing behind a speedboat. I wouldn’t have been able to go to three great wineries with some great friends. Last Saturday, I laughed more than I have since May. I was smiling so much and I was happy. I didn’t forget about my baby, but I didn’t feel sad. I missed him, but I was so happy to be where I was right then. That’s progress.
I fell back into my funk on Monday, though. M has confirmed the trip to Hawaii. That pushes our baby making schedule out an extra month. I am rationalizing with myself that an extra 26 days isn’t going to change my life that much. And it won’t. This isn’t a big deal. But it means I have only one chance to get through November 13th with the hope of a new pregnancy. But, hey, I’ve been through worse, right?
I used to say to myself that you had ½ the time you were dating a guy after a breakup to get over him. So, in my mind, I should be over this (twice). I should be moving on.
This past weekend I was able to be happy and do all sorts of things I wouldn’t be able to do if I was still pregnant. I wouldn’t have been able to go tubing behind a speedboat. I wouldn’t have been able to go to three great wineries with some great friends. Last Saturday, I laughed more than I have since May. I was smiling so much and I was happy. I didn’t forget about my baby, but I didn’t feel sad. I missed him, but I was so happy to be where I was right then. That’s progress.
I fell back into my funk on Monday, though. M has confirmed the trip to Hawaii. That pushes our baby making schedule out an extra month. I am rationalizing with myself that an extra 26 days isn’t going to change my life that much. And it won’t. This isn’t a big deal. But it means I have only one chance to get through November 13th with the hope of a new pregnancy. But, hey, I’ve been through worse, right?
Thursday, August 20, 2009
How a picture of Africa made me feel better
Yesterday, I got even deeper into my funk of jealousy and sadness. I went to a picnic for M’s office. His boss (the brand-new dad) was there and looked so happy and excited. He even still had the hospital bracelet on because he was headed back to his wife and baby. I was nice to him, but I couldn’t manage much more than a brief hello and congratulations. After walking around for a few minutes, I sat down with some food with the people I know. Then I closed myself up and concentrated on my food. I didn’t look up at all because one girl, Mrs. S, was just a few feet away from me.
Let’s pause briefly while I fill you in: I haven’t talked about her at all on here yet. I can’t seem to say anything nice so I’ve avoided it. Mr.S is M’s coworker (seriously, do I talk about anybody besides his coworkers? Do I have my own life?). Mr.S graduated from college last year and left his girlfriend, Mrs.S, behind to come start work. He went down to visit her a lot and it seemed like they had one of those drama filled relationships. They broke up early this year and Mr.S seemed to be doing a lot better without her. Then they got engaged. Mrs.S found out she was pregnant from a brief reconciliation. She graduated and moved up here with him. They got married a month or two ago. She is due the first week of November. I can’t talk about this much more because I will just spiral into the whole “it’s not fair, I did everything in the right order, I wanted my baby, etc…” rant that we all know too well. I don’t think I need to say how I my jealousy is out of control when I think about Mrs.S. So just thinking of her makes me feel terrible. I have told M several times that I don’t want to be around her. I can’t handle that. Oh, and add this to the mix: After my D&C, Mr.S sent us the nicest most perfect sympathy card in the world. I am a terrible, hateful, spiteful person.
So back to yesterday. There she was, right in front of me in a cute maternity dress with her perfect round belly and Mr.S smiling like the proudest dad-to-be in the world. I swear bluebirds were sitting on their shoulders. And there was me, all oozing green with a raincloud over my head. I ate as much as I could and then ate some more. Eventually, M came down to sit by me and I was able to focus on other conversations. But that didn’t stop me from hearing bits from the conversation nearby between Mr.S, Mrs.S and the boss. Mrs.S (because she is both thoughtful and kind) had brought presents for the boss. Then they all left and I felt a little better. But not much. I couldn’t bring myself up enough to be a fun picnic person, so I took myself home to wallow.
I did some crying and laundry then sat down at the computer to wait until M came home. I went onto facebook and started looking at some pictures that my friend posted. She went to Africa and one picture is just of her looking over her shoulder and smiling with a sunset in the background. It’s beautiful – she looks like she’s smiling right at me. I just stared at this picture and cried. I can’t describe how much better I felt just thinking about her and my other friends and remembering that they love me no matter what. I might not have a baby, but I have them. I am so lucky.
Let’s pause briefly while I fill you in: I haven’t talked about her at all on here yet. I can’t seem to say anything nice so I’ve avoided it. Mr.S is M’s coworker (seriously, do I talk about anybody besides his coworkers? Do I have my own life?). Mr.S graduated from college last year and left his girlfriend, Mrs.S, behind to come start work. He went down to visit her a lot and it seemed like they had one of those drama filled relationships. They broke up early this year and Mr.S seemed to be doing a lot better without her. Then they got engaged. Mrs.S found out she was pregnant from a brief reconciliation. She graduated and moved up here with him. They got married a month or two ago. She is due the first week of November. I can’t talk about this much more because I will just spiral into the whole “it’s not fair, I did everything in the right order, I wanted my baby, etc…” rant that we all know too well. I don’t think I need to say how I my jealousy is out of control when I think about Mrs.S. So just thinking of her makes me feel terrible. I have told M several times that I don’t want to be around her. I can’t handle that. Oh, and add this to the mix: After my D&C, Mr.S sent us the nicest most perfect sympathy card in the world. I am a terrible, hateful, spiteful person.
So back to yesterday. There she was, right in front of me in a cute maternity dress with her perfect round belly and Mr.S smiling like the proudest dad-to-be in the world. I swear bluebirds were sitting on their shoulders. And there was me, all oozing green with a raincloud over my head. I ate as much as I could and then ate some more. Eventually, M came down to sit by me and I was able to focus on other conversations. But that didn’t stop me from hearing bits from the conversation nearby between Mr.S, Mrs.S and the boss. Mrs.S (because she is both thoughtful and kind) had brought presents for the boss. Then they all left and I felt a little better. But not much. I couldn’t bring myself up enough to be a fun picnic person, so I took myself home to wallow.
I did some crying and laundry then sat down at the computer to wait until M came home. I went onto facebook and started looking at some pictures that my friend posted. She went to Africa and one picture is just of her looking over her shoulder and smiling with a sunset in the background. It’s beautiful – she looks like she’s smiling right at me. I just stared at this picture and cried. I can’t describe how much better I felt just thinking about her and my other friends and remembering that they love me no matter what. I might not have a baby, but I have them. I am so lucky.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Little Miss Jealous
M’s Boss’s wife had her baby this morning. He announced the pregnancy the day I went to the doctor to confirm my 1st miscarriage. So I might connect her pregnancy to losing that one.
I’m filled with the evil green jealousy monster. I wonder if my skin is getting a nice shade lettuce or if that is just the reflection from a green book nearby. I am oozing with the stuff. I want that to be me. I want it so bad. I can’t even leave a little message of congratulations because I’m afraid everyone will see right through it. You envious little ogre.
What the hell is going to happen to me when these November babies are born?
I’m filled with the evil green jealousy monster. I wonder if my skin is getting a nice shade lettuce or if that is just the reflection from a green book nearby. I am oozing with the stuff. I want that to be me. I want it so bad. I can’t even leave a little message of congratulations because I’m afraid everyone will see right through it. You envious little ogre.
What the hell is going to happen to me when these November babies are born?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I'm annoying myself, too.
Just a few minor vents today. I’m still cranky about my steroids. I’m starting to think my bad mood will be permanent. I’ve also chewed all over the inside of my mouth like an e-tard.
You know what pisses me off? Tom Brady. You are a jerk, Tom Brady. I’m sick of US weekly being filled with pictures of Gisele’s baby bump. You both frown so much and I bet this baby wasn’t even planned (US weekly hinted that you are disappointed). I dislike you in a strong way.
I have a few friends (and a few parents) who send me every email forward ever. I’m getting tired of it but I will never say anything to them. Today I got one about how terrorists are going to attack airports in the next month. I assume this means I will get blown up on my fancy trip. Thanks for putting a damper on that! Don’t worry everyone: snopes.com (I love you!) told me that this latest prediction is from July 2005. I’m calm again.
In other news – I have a list next to me with the possible 4 trips that M could be sent on over the next 2 months. All of them have him at home during that oh-so-important time in October. I feel like I’m using him.
You know what pisses me off? Tom Brady. You are a jerk, Tom Brady. I’m sick of US weekly being filled with pictures of Gisele’s baby bump. You both frown so much and I bet this baby wasn’t even planned (US weekly hinted that you are disappointed). I dislike you in a strong way.
I have a few friends (and a few parents) who send me every email forward ever. I’m getting tired of it but I will never say anything to them. Today I got one about how terrorists are going to attack airports in the next month. I assume this means I will get blown up on my fancy trip. Thanks for putting a damper on that! Don’t worry everyone: snopes.com (I love you!) told me that this latest prediction is from July 2005. I’m calm again.
In other news – I have a list next to me with the possible 4 trips that M could be sent on over the next 2 months. All of them have him at home during that oh-so-important time in October. I feel like I’m using him.
Friday, August 14, 2009
And the decision is…
No. We’re not going to TTC early. I brought it up at dinner last night and M thought it would be a good idea. For about 1 second. Then he started shaking his head and said that we can’t try early. He is afraid we’ll lose another one, and he’s not comfortable taking that risk. “The next time you get pregnant, you’re not leaving the house.”
I can’t be mad at him. I really want to try now, but I really am afraid that I’ll miscarry again and then I’d have a terrible case of the what-ifs. I’d blame myself for rushing. I really would be scared the entire time that the stress of a strange location and the flights would hurt a baby. Waiting is the right choice.
I have some hope though: The actual contract for the Hawaii work trip is not approved yet, so maybe no one will have to go (or it could be rescheduled). M also hinted that his coworker (the dad-to-be) might still be interested in going on the trip. So who knows. Keep your fingers crossed!
I feel a little lame complaining about this. I know I’m very lucky to be able to have this vacation and the opportunity to choose when we’ll TTC again. I’m grateful for that.
I can’t be mad at him. I really want to try now, but I really am afraid that I’ll miscarry again and then I’d have a terrible case of the what-ifs. I’d blame myself for rushing. I really would be scared the entire time that the stress of a strange location and the flights would hurt a baby. Waiting is the right choice.
I have some hope though: The actual contract for the Hawaii work trip is not approved yet, so maybe no one will have to go (or it could be rescheduled). M also hinted that his coworker (the dad-to-be) might still be interested in going on the trip. So who knows. Keep your fingers crossed!
I feel a little lame complaining about this. I know I’m very lucky to be able to have this vacation and the opportunity to choose when we’ll TTC again. I’m grateful for that.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
The big decision
I’ve talked about my big vacation a lot on here. I need to think about it all the time so I can stay excited for something. The big plan is to enjoy our trip and then come home and get right to work on making a baby. Our trip is from September 2nd to September 12th.
M told me last night that he will probably have to go on a work trip from the 13th to the 19th of September. He doesn’t want to do go for normal reasons – we’ll get home from Scotland on the afternoon of the 12th and then he’ll leave for Hawaii* on the morning of the 13th. That is a lot of jet lag. He works with two other guys who could go on the trip, but one of them is already scheduled for a trip that week and the other will be a brand new dad (his wife is due this week) and shouldn’t be away for a whole week.
So, it looks like M will be gone over those critical few days. I’m disappointed. I’ve really been looking forward to getting back on the roller coaster. Missing our try in September means we’ll only have once chance to get pregnant before November. Waking up on November 13th wouldn’t seem so bleak with a baby on the way.
I’ve been thinking for the last week or two that maybe starting a little early would be ok. I could substitute this cycle for the try in September. If it doesn’t work, I could easily convince myself that it wouldn’t have worked in September, either.
Let’s make a list.
Trying in August – Pros
1. A May baby! Perfect weather!
2. Taking a pregnancy test in Europe. Is the positive line on the wrong side over there?
3. Congratulations! Ye ur expectin' a wee bairn in th' sprin'!
4. All the excitement will distract me from POAS addiction.
5. A picture of a positive test on a kilt!
6. If it’s not positive, I will still feel better about not trying in September.
7. Making M mad by telling him we can only choose between Nessie and Wallace for names.
8. Great excuse for not having to try all the beers and scotch and new foods.
Trying in August – Cons
1. I will have the real possibility of losing a pregnancy on the vacation that is supposed to make me feel better about losing two pregnancies.
2. 5 weeks and 3 days falls while M will be on his trip.
3. 14 weeks falls on November 9th, 4 days before my November due date.
4. M is a planner and doesn’t like when I change my mind (and I do that a lot).
5. If I don’t get pregnant, I might feel worse when the September due date arrives.
6. I won’t be able to hide all the POAS I like to do. We’ll be in tiny B&Bs. M might discover how crazy I am.
7. Will customs pull me aside because of all the tests I will take with me (and then all the ones I hope to bring back)?
8. We’ll be at a friend’s vacation house during the critical days in August. I’m kind of a prude and I’m a little afraid of doing that at someone else’s house!
9. Not getting to taste all the wines and beers and scotch.
Those seem about even. I guess I’ll bring it up tonight and see what M thinks. He was disappointed last night when I told him that his trip conflicted with the baby making plans. Maybe he’d be up for a little try.
I’ve spent the morning working researching prednisone (steroids for poison ivy) and the effects on TTC. I don’t want to risk deformities just because I can’t wait 26 more days. Turns out, some REs prescribe prednisone before ovulation to help with implantation. Is that a sign? I’m finished with the pills at the end of next week.
Side note – Preseason football sucks… but it’s better than no football! Hail to the Redskins!
*Awww…. Poor guy… his second trip to Hawaii for work in a year…
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
That Facebook vent
I feel like everyone has to complain about the wonder of Facebook at some time. I love it, of course. I’m not good at calling my friends, so this way I can keep up on the little things that are going on.
I have the usual complaint that we all have – too many ultrasound pictures. I had to delete a guy because his wife’s u/s and pregnancy pictures popped up for me to see EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’ve hidden people so I don’t see their updates about how great their babies are growing (then I panic and end up peeking at their profiles to make sure doctor appointments are going well).
My own personal facebook problem is that I announced my pregnancy the week of May 10th. My baby was probably already dead when I was getting all the congratulations and excitement. The next week, I had to go back and delete the ultrasound pictures. I just couldn’t bear to see the pictures all the time. I kept the comments congratulating us because I needed some proof that he had existed. After I announced that the baby had died, I got a huge outpouring of support from friends. I was amazed at how much that helped.
But that doesn’t mean everyone saw that we weren’t pregnant anymore. I still get messages from people asking me how the baby is doing. One time, a former coworker started a chat asking me how the pregnancy was going (I never responded). It’s like somebody is punching me in the face each time that happens.
{Complaining removed}
To end on a better note (and since I’m on the topic), here is my favorite category from one of my favorite blogs. You do have to click on the entry title to get the full gloriousness of each entry. So good!
I have the usual complaint that we all have – too many ultrasound pictures. I had to delete a guy because his wife’s u/s and pregnancy pictures popped up for me to see EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’ve hidden people so I don’t see their updates about how great their babies are growing (then I panic and end up peeking at their profiles to make sure doctor appointments are going well).
My own personal facebook problem is that I announced my pregnancy the week of May 10th. My baby was probably already dead when I was getting all the congratulations and excitement. The next week, I had to go back and delete the ultrasound pictures. I just couldn’t bear to see the pictures all the time. I kept the comments congratulating us because I needed some proof that he had existed. After I announced that the baby had died, I got a huge outpouring of support from friends. I was amazed at how much that helped.
But that doesn’t mean everyone saw that we weren’t pregnant anymore. I still get messages from people asking me how the baby is doing. One time, a former coworker started a chat asking me how the pregnancy was going (I never responded). It’s like somebody is punching me in the face each time that happens.
{Complaining removed}
To end on a better note (and since I’m on the topic), here is my favorite category from one of my favorite blogs. You do have to click on the entry title to get the full gloriousness of each entry. So good!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
She's pretty as a daisy...
I had a good post idea, but that will have to wait for tomorrow. Today I have one thing on my mind.
ITCHING.
I have no idea what Poison Ivy looks like. Not true… I have a slight idea. It looks like every otherweed living plant in my garden. I’m lucky because I don’t usually get a bad rash from it, just a few spots on my fingers for a few days and then it goes away.
Usually. This time is an exception. My neck (yes, what idiot gets poison ivy on her neck?) is bright red, bumpy and itchy. Behind my right ear, under my chin and down my throat. Uck. Ick. Gag.
I also have a spot the size of a pencil eraser on my finger and a little behind my knee.
So, dummy, maybe you should just try wearing gloves? But I hate wearing gloves! I can’t grab right and my hands get all sweaty. I only wear gloves when absolutely necessary, like mulching day and when pregnant (which I’m not… thanks, Garden, for finding a way to remind me).
I’ll just sit here today with my anti-itch cream and stare at the rain and listen to coworkers make fun of me. Perhaps next time I will have M walk around and point the stuff out instead of him telling me later that he saw the poison ivy in my weed pile.
P.S. Do not type “poison ivy” into a Google images search. What idiot does that? I think I’m going to vomit.
Update - Friday Morning.
I went to a Minute Clinic (and God bless the person who came up with that idea) and I got a prescription. I usually would have tried to suck it up and deal, but the rash has crept down between my boobs. Now I'm on the 'roids! I should probably try out for a baseball team this weekend.
ITCHING.
I have no idea what Poison Ivy looks like. Not true… I have a slight idea. It looks like every other
Usually. This time is an exception. My neck (yes, what idiot gets poison ivy on her neck?) is bright red, bumpy and itchy. Behind my right ear, under my chin and down my throat. Uck. Ick. Gag.
I also have a spot the size of a pencil eraser on my finger and a little behind my knee.
So, dummy, maybe you should just try wearing gloves? But I hate wearing gloves! I can’t grab right and my hands get all sweaty. I only wear gloves when absolutely necessary, like mulching day and when pregnant (which I’m not… thanks, Garden, for finding a way to remind me).
I’ll just sit here today with my anti-itch cream and stare at the rain and listen to coworkers make fun of me. Perhaps next time I will have M walk around and point the stuff out instead of him telling me later that he saw the poison ivy in my weed pile.
P.S. Do not type “poison ivy” into a Google images search. What idiot does that? I think I’m going to vomit.
Update - Friday Morning.
I went to a Minute Clinic (and God bless the person who came up with that idea) and I got a prescription. I usually would have tried to suck it up and deal, but the rash has crept down between my boobs. Now I'm on the 'roids! I should probably try out for a baseball team this weekend.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Fra-gee-lay!
I think you are supposed to prepare for winning A Major Award and get a speech all ready. I’m not good at that. I’ve tried to think of something profound, but really, this is me we’re talking about.
So, thank you Stephanie for thinking I’m awesome. I completely agree. I also think you are pretty awesome.
Here are the rules: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
I will pass this on to the person I started following most recently:
LuckyOnce at Where's my white picket fence? Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’ll be rooting for you when you decide to start trying again.
And really, I’m so bad at this. I want to give everyone an award and hug you in person.
On another note: Here’s a shout out to my awesome real life friend who has found me here. You said this to me when I found out about my miscarriage: “I am holding you in my mind. Holding you in a safe place where you are allowed to feel anything, say anything, and be the way you need to be right now.” I pull your email out and look at it whenever I feel bad. Thank you for being you.
So, thank you Stephanie for thinking I’m awesome. I completely agree. I also think you are pretty awesome.
Here are the rules: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
I will pass this on to the person I started following most recently:
LuckyOnce at Where's my white picket fence? Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’ll be rooting for you when you decide to start trying again.
And really, I’m so bad at this. I want to give everyone an award and hug you in person.
On another note: Here’s a shout out to my awesome real life friend who has found me here. You said this to me when I found out about my miscarriage: “I am holding you in my mind. Holding you in a safe place where you are allowed to feel anything, say anything, and be the way you need to be right now.” I pull your email out and look at it whenever I feel bad. Thank you for being you.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Held a baby!
I held a baby this weekend! And I didn’t cry at all. I was so afraid to meet R’s little girl, and I’m glad I waited. Just two weeks ago I cried at the IDEA of holding a baby. I held her close and watched her sleep and played with her little toes.
I was at a “book club” meeting. My great friends from high school have a book club as an excuse to get together once every few months. We talk about the book for 10 minutes (or less) and then get distracted. This month’s book was Dead Until Dark, which was great. But I think we talked about Twilight for three times as long as we talked about the actual book.
M held the little girl twice and even soothed her when she started crying. He’s going to be a great dad someday.
I was at a “book club” meeting. My great friends from high school have a book club as an excuse to get together once every few months. We talk about the book for 10 minutes (or less) and then get distracted. This month’s book was Dead Until Dark, which was great. But I think we talked about Twilight for three times as long as we talked about the actual book.
M held the little girl twice and even soothed her when she started crying. He’s going to be a great dad someday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
